Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Adamsrib, you made a comment above about “your presence here is like a fart in church” and for THAT YOU GET A BOINK!!!!! No knocking yourself!!!!! (((hugs))))
If you truly think that you might have some level of Ausperger’s you can still be tested.
We had some people who were here a year or so ago, two people with Ausperger’s who were married to each other and they blogged here with us for quite some time. I missed them when they left as I thought their take on things was interesting. They didn’t get mad and leave, just like a lot of former bloggers, they got busy with life and drifted away from the blog.
Auspergers is part of the autism spectrum though, and just as autism is a spectrum of behaviors so is psychopathy. But look at Dr Temple Grandlin, she is autistic, but very very successful in her field (animal behavior) and has revolutionized the cattle handling industry because she had a different perspective than the rest of us.
LoL… Oxy that’s funny..I consider myself successfully boinked 🙂
I don’t have health insurance right now so I haven’t even thought about getting tested but I would like to. It’s good to hear about the lady Dr. who did the research with cattle. We often hear about Bill Gates and Albert Einstein etc. but not about women w/ Ausperger’s. Yes they (we?) certainly have a different perspective on things. My son absolutely amazes me with his logic. He can take philosophy and logic classes at his college and breeze through them where as I find them a challenge though I am still fascinated by the subject.
(((hugs back)))
AdamsRib and Oxy,
I know who Dr Temple Grandlin is. Do you know who James Durbin is? Competed on American Idol and most thought was a shoe in winner. Yup. Auspergers. And Tourettes. And totally coooollll amazing talented young rocker.
I am struggling with my wee peapod. So full of anger and contempt for me. I did the right thing and made a life with her away from my family from hell. Unfortunately I married an spath. Spaths love to control, mine loved the head games. He learned from his mom how to divide a parent from their child. Easy. The spath becomes the best buddy a kid could have, esp a kid without a dad. And then whenever mom is “mean mommy”, he directs the sabotage towards the mom, undermines moms goal for her child, whispers things to the kid so that eventually the kid joins the spath in degrading mom. Then, when mom finally leaves and moves out, spaths tells the fully grown kid who thought the spath loved and preferred her, that what’s wrong with her is that she’s just like her mom. Then spaths never again speak to the child who grew up adoring him. And the best part, the now adult kid still has that kids desire to keep her mom on the hook, but every time she sees something in herself that reminds her of her mom that she was taught was “less than” and stupid and weak, the adult kids HATE rages at tornado levels. Yeah baby. Spath is the scorpion that keeps on stinging.
Q: How I live with what I did to my daughter? A: I am accountable for what I DID. NO MORE than that.
I am not accountable for her personality, for her anger, for what my husband did behind my back, for what others did, for her refusal to listen to me, to let me help her, not responsible that she rejects me. I am ONLY responsible for marrying a man who was a fraud. I am NOT responsible that he is a fraud b/c HE IS A FRAUD that I would not have married had I known… and in fact I left him b/c of what he turned into.
And you AdamsRib, did nothing wrong and ARE not wrong for your son’s auspergers. It just is. What you wrote made me think you blamed yourself. I hope I read that wrong.
Seems we may be more kindred spirits than I thought when I read your religion/faith posts. I am socially awkward therefore I am pretty much reclusive, introspective, analytical, curious. I say I am a wierdo. I say it before others can so it doesn’t feel like rejection. But I am okay with being a little peculiar. I went to the Oxford Literary Festival this year. Everyone was like me. I found my tribe!!! I am the stereotypical eccentric englishwoman! I’m jsut saying, if ya feel isolated sometimes, it might be b/c you are unique, as in precious and rare.
ps I took some of those intel tests. Blew the lid off all the tests for logic. Things HAVE to make sense to me or I get very anxious. Imagine the crazy logic of spaths and you understand why I concluded I was developing alzeimers. B/c it SEEMED my logic stopped working!
WOW! This is such a great thread with so many enlightening comments and stories!
SadMe: I just gotta tell ya, you really got the opportunity that I WISH i could get my hands on. My spath contacted me with two ecards for mother’s day. This AFTER I had said he WOULDN’T contact me. What a douche bag! Well, the REASONS for his contact, were NOT to get back with ME (he has so many to choose from seriously), it was a POWER PLAY. AND THAT”S ALL. Anytime we attribute some sort of intention that is remotely human in their contacts, we are SADLY MISTAKEN. What you got was your POWER back. You took your power back from HIM, and in the process, you got to see that he ISN”T treating the new wife or whatever she is to him, ANY differently than he treated YOU. THAT is the blessing I wish I could have. But it’s NOT worth getting in contact again to find out!
As far as the Mother’s Day ecards go, well, I DID respond in a very sarcastic, VERY pointed way in reminding him of the boundaries I set for two months BEFORE in that I wanted him NOT to contact me at all. Spaths don’t listen to that shit. But they do listen to “I won’t play”. Mine, I HOPE, got bored and is finding his triangulations (he was really into that) and drama elsewhere. He is supposedly getting married soon. I’m sure he would LOVE for me to freak out in jealousy and envy and contact her and go off about what an ass he is. I use to grovel.
Today, I celebrate six months way from the bastard and did so with a beautiful day and a haircut and two faithful friends who keep me STABLE every single day!
Yesterday, I had a set back. I saw him. At an intersection. My daughter was with me. I did the potted plant, my daughter waved and smiled sarcastically at him. He pretended that he didn’t see her, while the ENTIRE TIME I was sitting at the light he was looking at me and my car!! BASTARD. I did cry and it did hurt, and there is residuals from it today, but it’s not lasting as long as it use to now.
In understanding the spaths REAL motives (YOUR destruction) it makes it easier to see that any effort to contact you is nothing more than a play to get you back under control. Congratulations for not allowing that to happen and you are one lucky chica to have seen that he’s doing it to the next. Must feel awesome!
Secondly, this isn’t just something I’m saying for you SadMe, but something I’m seeing on the blog a lot here.
I can’t believe I’m saying this. Because it means Ox is kinda right, but what the hell: I understand about wanting to date or have a relationshit. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that. There are things I miss that I had with spath that go with any relationshit, sex, cuddling, doing things together (with a spath? Yea, whatever!), but I can’t bring myself to do it. I think about it, but I don’t want to date. I’m simply not ready. I dont’ want to date for the WRONG reasons that would make me susceptible to another spath, anything from loneliness, boredom, society/environmental influence, seeing others all happily, snuggly and in love. Today while driving home from my celebratory hair cut and my six months out, I saw this couple on a motorcycle. At the stop light to the freeway, she was kissing his neck in a really sweet way. I almost pissed myself. Envy….just like a spath…..but ya know what? I can’t have that right now, because i’m not okay with me yet. And, ironically, in some ways, I’m learning to be OKAY that I”M NOT OKAY WITH ME right now. I think the best relationshit will happen when I’m okay WITHOUT one.
I don’t need a man anymore to validate me, even though i don’t know what me is just yet, but that’s the thing. Until I DO KNOW, I don’t belong in ANY relationshit! In so many ways, that makes me so sad, because I’m not getting any younger. I’m 47, and there are wrinkles now, and I’m not in a good place in my life financially due to all of this….but I want to give that to God. I KNOW, undoubtedly, that if I were to try to get into another relationshit it is to ESCAPE my pain, something I was numb to before and that got me into all the bullshit aftermath I had with my spath. My fantasy of a loving man by my side, to “complete” me was nothing more than that: FANTASY.
Now I live in pain everyday…but SLOOOOOWLY it’s getting better. And ya know? There is just something inside me that says I need to ride out the pain this time and at times it is EXCRUTIATING! But I still have too. The hard road isn’t always fun. It isn’t the easy one either. I can see that the “easy” road WOULD be easier, in the interim….just like it was with spath. I had a distraction.
But it’s not in the long run.
I also have not given up hope about humanity. Or about men. There are good men out there. And my radar, I’ve found lately, is quite good. My boundaries are excessive, but that’s okay. It protects me while I heal…..
And this is becoming drivel….LOL
Anyway…………..before you consider dating, or that a penis is the answer to all your woes (providing you’re lucky enough not to have it attached to another SPATH!), learn to love yourself FIRST. Be willing to sit in the PAIN. I know that’s super duper HARD, but if you can see past your loneliness or others pressure that you should be out in the dating pool again or that somehow, having a man around is going to solve all your issues……….well, think again…what it does is set you up to be even MORE vulnerable to another spath.
What I am learning is that I can GUARANTEE you that if you give your healing some time, and can focus on SEEING PAST your loneliness, fear and pain of your trauma, get well…..
The relationshit that God has for you will happen. And if it doesn’t, you’ll be okay with that. Because personally, the flowers on my porch, the time spent getting to know my kids again, having such a great friends, a beautiful day like this where I can sit outside on my deck and blog all of this to you….will mean so much more and you will be PROTECTIVE of it.
A relationshit is so much work, even in a healthy one.
But you can’t do the work, even in a healthy relationshit, unless you do it on yourself FIRST.
Make YOU the QUEEN/KING of your own life FIRST.
The rest will follow. Whatever that means.
LL
I know how you are feeling KatyDid. When my youngest boy was just 3 years old, I let my ex husband, his dad, intimidate me into a 50/50 time share, one week with me, one week with the bi polar narc, spath dad. And I regretted it SO BAD as I became empowered after the divorce. I tried two times to get it changed but it was set in stone and couldn’t change it. My wee one lived with Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde for SEVEN whole days at a time from the time he was 3 and he was a mess all the time. When he came home to me it took a couple of days for him to normalize. My ex was not physically abusive to him as he was with my older so (his step son) but he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Thank God he did take care of his physical needs pretty well just ignored him and intimidated him at every turn.
Good news is now he is doing so well. Ex lost his visitation rights when Jr was 13. I told him as he grew that one day he would just not take it anymore and he would react and sure enough when he was 13 and a BIG boy he threatened to kick my ex’s ass and the guardian at litum revoked my exes visitation rights. My son refuses to see him and he is now 16. But lots of counseling and TLC. He is a great kid.
My point is KD I beat the crap out of myself for years and years because I didn’t have the balls to say no to that damn time share when it was proposed and my son suffered. I can only hope that he has been redeemed out of it and it does not have too much of an effect on him when he becomes a husband and dad. I pray for him All I can do really.
Don’t be so hard on your self KatyDid. I am sure that if you could go back and do it over YOU WOULD and that shows.
Seems from your post as if yes we do have a lot in common. I always say I know I am different, quirky, and I am ok with it. Now that I am older, but as a young women it caused me so much angst wondering “what is wrong with me?”. I tell my son to embrace his quirkyness and how lucky he is to know he can embrace it at such a young age. Took me until just recently to say “the hell with it. I am who I am” like Popeye 🙂 and I am growing and evolving even if it is just centimeters, I strive to be better everyday.
I tell him to take Bob Dylan the singer for example. He was considered very strange when he first hit the folk music scene in NYC. Yet, he took his quirkiness and made it work for him until he became a musical ICON. That is genius in my opinion along with his poetic skills.
Isn’t it just euphoria when you “meet your tribe”?? Good on you KatyDid. So happy for you.
Are you from the UK?
LL wow thank you for the post. So so good.
It made me think how after I dumped Addiction I put him in NC and one day I saw him at a red light and I just panicked. He was wearing his beret and even though he’s an older dude, he looked so hot and my heart just melted but I managed to ignore him. It wasted me though and it took me days to get over seeing him. I cried for two whole days but I made it through with NC. By the grace of God I think. I am so glad that Irish Guy is 5000 miles away. I can’t even fathom how I would have reacted to seeing that one with another woman. He was the love of my life.
Thank you for what you are saying about being ready to begin dating again. It is SO important to be in the right place emotionally or yes we will make another mistake and choose another jerk.
There are good men out there. Don’t buy into the lie that there is no one because of your age. I am 53 and I meet a lot of really nice men. Men who are widowers or never married and I know them well. Just not attracted to them. But with the man I am seeing now, I was just not looking. He found me. So far so good. I told him let’s take this a day at a time. No sex until we are good friends and I find he is trust worthy. I have to say this: I prayed a lot for a loving, good man. Let’s see if this is answer to those prayers, for now. But you are right. You HAVE to be ready.
Thanks! 🙂
SadMe there is another thread “Advice for Dealing With Sociopaths: Don’t Take it Personally” that has some posts on faith dated May13. Hope that helps!! Hang in there. You will get so much support here. (((hugs))).
Adamsrib
KatyDid,
My oldest biological son C is an example I think of a situation where we just have to realize that the child we loved FOR WHATEVER REASON did not grow into the adult that we want for a friend….even if they are not psychopathic, they can still be cruel to us, or less than honest.
From the descriptions of your daughter’s behavior toward you, it seems to me that she harbors RAGE at you—whether “justified” in anyone’s opinion or not is beside the point—everything about her treatment of you shows me at least that she does not want a loving relationship with you, but uses your desire for a loving relationship as a club to beat you over the head with.
My son C I don’t think is a psychopath, but he is not the kind of man I want for a friend. He lacks honesty, but he also lacks respect for me as well, and when I look back at the times he sided with his P-wife against me,, with the Trojan Horse Psychopath and with my egg donor and his P brother—-KNOWING that they were trying to run me out of my home that I had built with my own hands—-I realize now that he might have been “duped” but he HAD NO LOYALTY TO ME. I blamed his bad financial decisions on his P wife, I blamed a lot of stuff on her, but he was WILLING to go along with her distancing him from our family (mainly me) and I realize now that it was NOT AGAINST HIS WILL.
Accepting that he is not the man I wish he was, that I can’t trust him, that he has no loyalty to either me as Oxy or to me as his mother, and so I finally accepted that I can’t have him in my life. I don’t hate him, I don’t fear him, I just can’t have him close because he will betray that, and I don’t want the hurt again. Sure, I WISH I could have a close and loving relationship with him, but DISTANCE and essential NC is pain free, and being close to him is NOT PAIN FREE.
AdamsRib
I am not from the UK but I go there as much as I can. At first I ran away there to get some peace away from my spath. But I noticed they aren’t so dismissive of the odd ducks. And I can be an odd duck. I love discussions of ideas and schools of thought. There is almost nothing that I don’t find some aspect of curiousity about. (yep I am not editing and am aware of sentence structure errors.)
The lit festival was fantastic. I went alone as I usually do b/c if I rarely have anyone to go out with. But instead of eating alone as I usually do when traveling, others were just as chatty as I about who we saw, what intrigued us, questions to ask, curiousity about where people were from and what was the best lecture or what talk to not miss or what book was a must have. That we were eating in the Harry Potter Hall added to the surreal atmosphere of fun.
Single room at Christ Church College for Sunday Times Oxford Literary Festival: 60 gbp (pounds) pn
Finding Others Just LIKE ME: PRICELESS
KD that sounds so wonderful! I surely would have gone with you!!
I love the UK. So rainy and green and ancient! Gosh I can’t even imagine being in a Harry potter scene. You are so blessed to be able to go . Good on you!!!
your last sentance: sooo cooolll 🙂