Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
eb….hang in there…..it DOES get better. Trust the process darlen.
xxoo
EB
EB:
I am glad you have peace now. You can’t put a price on that. I am sorry we all had to deal with this junk.
Thank you…I will trust the process. I know it will be better some day. I just have to let everything take its course. Thank you again.
eb, healing is a minute by minute process….
When you have good minutes, take a snapshot in your mind, become aware of that moment…..and take that with you into your down minutes. This will remind you that, every minute is different….and what your feeling right now will not last.
Minute by minute, hour by hour, day to day, week to week, month to month and on……..
Remember the good feelings.
EB:
Thank you so much. You are helping me a lot.
eb-I don’t know-I can’t figure it out. I don’t miss him though. My hormones are still wild for Little Ms. Stick Up Her Butt and I have had raging hotflashes the last two nights in a row at 4am. They worked me over like a slave on the job today and made my nerves bad. I made my money today.
I just got great news that my best friend just got a new job. She was on the road to getting fired just like I did for a total setup by a spathy headnurse who is psycho. I am so proud of her. She finally had the nerve to leave where she’s been for years and go to a new hospital. She is 58 and it is hard for her to do. Now we are praying that I get the job on Monday since she got hers. I am just really wanting to work in the E.R so much and I never had the chance. I don’t even care that I would have to commute and hr and a half each way to get there. I HATE SPATHS-THEY F’N SUCK!!!!!
I wanted to post this song since I have seen songs posted here in the past. Most of you have probably heard this, but some may not have. I love it. This woman’s voice is so powerful and soulful. Listen to the words carefully. This always makes me think of my X spath. It’s my anthem song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TLrOM-_N5Rp1E
Nola;
Find the positive in everything darlen……
eb…..:)
eb….beautiful voice…
Here is the song that got me through…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-VgCr2E9Xg&feature=fvst
Still makes me smile!
Erin-I am trying to do just that. It was so nice today and yesterday to work in a place where the people are nice and not spaths all over. I’m happy that I relented to go to counseling so I can try to heal from this sexual assault that killed my self esteem. I am trying to deal with this unbelievable crush that I can’t get out of my head.
hello all, don’t know if i should be posting or journalling; but i have gotten so used to posting, that posting it is.
due to my lack of ability to sit still and focus well, it has been easier for me to post. most of my posts are fairly short for the same reason. my ability to sit still and focus is increasing. i am finding a lot of pleasure in reading about my new work sector. just being real quiet and learning. i loved to journal but i cannot write long hand anymore, there was to much damage to my hands. typing is not the same for me, although that is what i have done since i hurt my hands. i have started to learn to control my hands again – putting effort into forming letters. I wonder if it was that hard when we were kids just learning. I wonder if our hands became fatigued then also.
well, what i learned this week was: do not spell friday ‘t-e-q-u-i-l-a’. feel like shit today. what i also learned is that a really bad thing can possibly be leveraged into some good things. the bad thing: crazy boy neighbor losing his mind; good thing: having a chat with his odd as bat shit momma, the first time in almost 2 years; possible good thing: if the crazy boy keeps threatening the db, maybe the db will move. If the db moved and i was on easier terms with the bat shit odd crazy boy’s momma, then being horribly triggered would have been worth it.
i am feeling a lot of shame – about my body, about how the president of my board (who i usually avoid like the plague, but have decided to stop avoiding so much) interacts with me and i end up feeling devalued, and it can happen with the vp – who is a rough person, but we work pretty well together. i find the whole work situation dispiriting. deeply so. i need to keep showing up and work through some more of the shame. i recognize that this job is not ‘of my heart’. i have to keep reminding myself of that – it is not the best situation for my esteem. i don’t want to ‘work hard’ on those relationships – fuck no – but to take what i can from the situation, learn as much as i can (not only through teaching myself, but letting myself be a bit vulnerable to some of these people i don’t really turst – as there are things i can learn from them.) i am just learning some of what i am doing – and instead of feeling helped or advised and given helpful info or direction when i reach out, i sometimes feel shamed; and it goes deep. i have been struggling with this the last 2 weeks. i’d like to break this. but as i said, i will take what i can from this job. someone i have gotten to know a bit in the industry said he would be hiring about the time my contract is up – i have to look to the positive. i am also taking on a part time advertising sales job – it’s been rather loosey goosey. i got another email tonight asking my advice about some aspect of what i will be working on, and i am going to respond with – ‘ the first two pieces of advice were free, but i need to see the terms and sign a contract before i give you any more feedback.’
i have felt very down today. i know i am making progress, and it feels validating to write out the above. my body is really aching, and has been for days. that’s getting me down. just the pain gets me down. june is n sires bday, and fday. 🙁 i have been wanting to reach out to one of my lost freinds. it’s so sad that we are no longer friends. 🙁 for 6 months now, i have picked thing sup for him – thing si wold get for him in those different seasons…and i never take them to him. this morning i was going downtown, and i was in a car, about half a block from his house, and i could see him sitting on his porch. 🙁 i t is sad that we are no longer friends. i am doing something tomorrow, going to a little festival, that in the past I would have gone to with the two lost friends. i am so excited to be going. sooooo.
as i work in the garden – my ‘land’, i remember how the fake boy felt like ‘home’ to me. all that creativity and willingness to give himself to me. that home was fake. but no one else has ever felt like home. sigh. a lot of sadness today, and in these last few days. feeling my way along this ‘adrift.’ i have been being more public about the spath in an online forum where people go to find out about her. i am still guarded, but i am telling my story. and inching my way toward finishing the stuff for the ADA. inch inch inch….
i had expected a much larger income tax return. much. i am stupefied. i did the thing twice and checked everything – was i that off? I have done my own taxes for years, so i am shocked. i did 2 years last year and they were all fucked up, and that i can understand, given my state at the time, but this year??? i will get their declaration in the mail shortly and i will compare it to my accounting and see. more than anything i am disappointed, as i had planned to pay down a couple of bills – one that is owing to an old friend, and as it stands now, i cannot.
god, my place is a mess. i just can’t keep up with this moving from room to room to avoid the deeds of various neighbors. i am trying to give myself permission to just give up. it’s all so unsettled. i was thinking about the to and fro the other day about whether hurting us was a goal or just collateral damage for spaths and i remembered something – after the fake boy fake died, i was in pretty bad shape – ill and in grief, poor and oh so effed up. and i gave up. completely without hope. and when the spath resurrected the fake boy i told him that and she was OH SO PLEASED WITH HERSELF. So yah, she jones on hurting people. hard to believe that people like this exist; what a horrible and deeply sad reality for humanity.