Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
How do I process a relationship that had so many lies in it that I don’t know really with whom I was involved?
I miss the person I thought I knew so much, but at the same time, he was involved with someone else, and others, since at least last June. I thought he had had one affair—but not anything to the extent that it looks like now.
How do I process a relationship I never had? Was he lying the whole time acting out the “I love you’s”, the romantic comments, and the idea that we should be together? Is it all an act?
Most of us are reading and posting on Lovefraud because we were intensely, callously, brutally deceived in a relationship with a sociopath. The betrayal was so deep, and so profound, that all we can say is that the person we thought we knew, the relationship we thought we had, didn’t exist.
Much has been written here on Lovefraud about the different aspects of recovery. But in response to this reader’s e-mail, I’ll review some of the key points.
Understanding sociopaths and “love”
Sociopaths do not feel empathy for other human beings. Therefore, they do not have the ability to love as we understand it. There is no emotional connection, no true caring for the target of their “affections.”
What is going on when sociopaths say, “I love you?” They are not all the same, so there is a range of explanations for what they mean.
At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target, or may enjoy sex with the target. Sociopaths may label as “love” whatever it is they feel with the target. So, “I love you,” means, “I like how I look when you’re with me,” or, “I like the fact that you’re showering me with attention,” or, “I like having sex with you.”
At the sinister end of the range, sociopaths know they are cold-hearted predators and view their targets the way cats view mice. These sociopaths play with their targets for awhile, then, when they tire of the game, abandon them, leaving the targets battered and gasping. Or, some sociopaths will go in for the kill, usually figuratively, but sometimes literally.
The reader asked, “Is it all an act?” Often, the answer is yes.
Accepting reality
The sociopath may have painted a picture of an exquisite future of unending togetherness and bliss. Or, the sociopath may have latched on to our own nurturing instincts, and convinced us that they can only survive with our caring and support. Then the mask slips, the story unravels, and we learn that everything we believed was a lie.
We must accept this reality. We must believe our own eyes and recognize the truth.
This may be really difficult. We thought we were working towards our dream. We made important life decisions based on what we were told. We may have spent a lot of money—maybe all of our money—at the behest of the sociopath.
We don’t want to believe that it was all a cruel mirage. We argue with ourselves—there must be some other explanation, some other reason. We may say, “I must have misunderstood; no one can be that heartless.”
Yes, sociopaths are that heartless.
The reasons they are heartless do not matter. Yes, in some cases they have had bad parents and a terrible childhood. But as an adult, they are not going to change. They are what they are, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Time and permission to recover
The psychological and emotional damage that we suffer because of our entanglements with sociopaths is often extensive. We may experience anxiety, depression, guilt, self-hatred, and perhaps even post traumatic stress disorder.
Some of us are so angry with ourselves for falling for the scam that we punish ourselves by blocking our own recovery. We say we will never trust again; never love again.
Please do not feel this way. If you never recover, giving up on trust and love, the sociopath will have truly won. Deny him or her that victory. Give yourself permission to recover.
Recovering from this damage is not an event; it’s a process. Readers often ask, “How long will it take?” The answer: It will take as long as it takes.
We may need to move forward in several directions at once, but it’s okay to move forward slowly. Some steps to take:
- Protecting our physical safety, if the sociopath has made threats, and what remains of our financial assets.
- Taking care of our physical health—eating right, getting enough exercise and sleep, avoiding alcohol and other substances.
- Finding a way to release the pent-up anger and pain within us, without showing it to the sociopath, because that will backfire.
- Rebuilding relationships with family members and friends that were damaged because of the sociopath.
- Letting moments of joy, no matter how small, into our lives. Joy expands, so the more we can let in, the more it will grow and the better we will feel.
The Lovefraud Blog has many more articles that focus on how to recover from the sociopathic entanglement. You’ll find them in the following category:
Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can get past the experience. You may have lost your innocence, but in the end, you’ll gain invaluable wisdom.
Yes, Freemama, my ex’s family believes him when he portrays me as the evil one. But then, he is family and is a very convincing speaker.
I always told him that he could charm the underwear off a nun. And that is more true than not.
So when people ask him why we are not together and how he could let someone like me go, someone who was good to him and a nice person, he goes into depth about something he wants them to believe about me, a statement designed for that audience to turn them against me.
For example, with some of his hood buddies, he says I was a narc. To the hard working neighbors of his family’s neighborhood, he tells them I interfered with his job (that lasted five minutes).
I am and did neither of these things.
It is hard for me to have been so devoted to this man and then to have him portray me like this. But he needs to protect his ego and his ‘reputation’, at great cost to me. He needs to walk away from this looking good.
I am thankful that as an ex con, his credibility is poor.
And I try to remind myself that he makes a trainwreck of his own life. And that he will always find another willing woman to believe him, however briefly. There are some desperate women in the city who will accept just about anything. There are few men around…most are either dead, or locked up. So the ones remaining on the streets can get away with anything. They have it made.
None of this is easy stuff. Because most of we victims of these people are smart and accomplished, having our good name tarnished by their lies is yet another layer of hurt and harm.
Joanie?
Ditto on the women brought to the house.
I would go out to work and he would have the soccer mom from down the street over to ‘visit.’
And at night, after I had returned home from working, prepared a nice dinner, spent good time with him, worked out and went to bed exhausted? He would ‘visit’ my elderly neighbor.
Can you say dirty dog?!
Freeatlast-I tried to look you up on fb but there are several people with that same name. Which one is really you?
Nolarn,
If you’re out there, I dropped in just to see how you and a few others are doing, and I just want you to know I’m thinking about you. I had a change of email and so haven’t been following LF regularly, but I did read some of the stuff you were going through a few weeks ago relating to your past.
For once, I have no advice for you. I think opening up deep pain can be really ungrounding, and add the lack of structure from a job and lack of resources, it can seem insurmountable. I get into some pretty painful places at times, and I often feel like I have inadequate resources. Usually when I feel this way, it’s because the pain is so overwhelming that I have shut it down, and I seek others to help me process it. Sometimes I wonder why, why do I keep going? The main thing I’ve learned over the years is coping skills. This is a combination of having a structure (job to go to, even when I hate it), a few people I can unburden myself to (even if they don’t always know how to listen), and the ability to work with my mind cognitively to change destructive thought patterns. The only thing – the ONLY thing – I can offer you right now is to tell you that even when you feel really really bad, you can train your mind to perceive it in a different way. You can interpret the bad feelings any way you want. You can create any story you want about yourself. The story I choose to create when I feel like I want to die from depression is this: This feels worse than it has ever felt. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut and run over by a truck. It is because there is some deep pain I have not yet felt. When I get through this, I’ll be in a better place. I’m grateful (yes, grateful) for the events that caused me to feel like this, because they were the mirror that will help me heal. Eventually I will heal. etc……… I actually tell myself these things when I’m down and even suicidal. It’s amazing what you can do just with the power of your own mind.
You are not alone. I’m going through a lot right now too, and it really doesn’t feel very good. I don’t know how you can get through what you are going through. But I know that you can.
All of the most difficult emotions, when worked through, offer great gifts. We are so much more than what we feel in the moment. I even believe this as I’ve made a big mistake lately that has left me feeling probably not much different from how you are feeling. (I will talk about it in the next post).
If you need immediate income, temp agencies have always worked very well for me. I’ve even swallowed my pride and gone to the Labor Ready places where you do manual labor all day and get paid cash at the end of the day. Do what you need to do to survive. You evolve your character every day you get up and do what you need to do to survive. Neither your employment status, relationship status, nor how you feel have any bearing on who you are as a person – which is beautiful and unique, and loved.
My biggest hugs,
Star
Powerful and caring stuff, Star.
You offer much hope that there can be a good outcome from this pain that we all have in common.
Healing is often about changing perceptions. We can view something as positive or negative. And the feelings that flow from that mindset can either move us forward or keep us stuck.
I feel as though I am getting some traction in getting unstuck..due in large part to the support of LF.
In the begining, during the discovery of the truth, it was all about the perpetrator of the insult.
Over time, it becomes all about the recovery and readjustment to reality. It isn’t so bad to leave the fantasy behind. In fact, a lot of it is quite good.
And a lot of it is very solitary.
But there is plenty to do to fill a day. And I don’t relate to people the way I did before. Yes, things are different.
But, that is the natire of change. And change is constant.
Whatever your guiding star, things were going to change.
Past the relationship that never was are the ones that always were and the ones that could be.
The world and the country we live in are going through changes that are profound. Nothing is the way it was. And the sooner we accept what is, the faster and better we get on with improving our lives.
Sometimes, that means putting feelings in neutral and going on with the work at hand, sometimes it means feeling the joy in a moment and sometimes it means recognizing feelings we’ve had before that direct aversion.
There just aren’t clearly defined rules or structure. You have to make your life what it is going to be.
The point is when you make your decision to decide. Because until you decide, Providence can not step forward with you.
“Bend with the willow
All the desires of your heart.”
Basho
I truly believe that when I met my mess of a human being 17 years ago, that was all I deserved. I knew he was a liar, I knew he walked away from his gf and child to be with me. I watched him act like he cared so much about the child he left behind. When I pushed him to pick up his child he would pass the baby over to me and he would catch up with the babies mother. I remember the first time I saw his evil side and he snapped out the words “what are you f-ing stupid”. That was the last time I was caught off gaurd and taken back. After that it became a way of life to take verbal abuse. I had a way of totally blocking all of his verbal abuse. What it did was it turned me into a sociopath, like him. A year and a half he is gone and I cant get past it. I haven’t started to feel the joy you said we should feel. I am patient but I see him,because we have two kids. I see him happy go lucky , he has a new woman he is living off of, and life is good for him. I am stuck with a full schedule of two teens full time job, and never enough money. He brings them wonderful birthday gifts and throws his good income in my face. If I was nicer to him I could still get his pay check. Well I wasn’t nice any more , he stoled my joy many years ago. Sometimes life isnt fair. But I do love this blog, thank you for allowing me to vent. Sue
So as promised in the previous post, here is an update on what I have done recently that is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my life. I broke no-contact with a guy I had a 2-week affair with in Costa Rica last September. It has led to some disasterous consequences for me. And he’s not even a spath! So use this as a lesson about breaking NC with someone you’re trying to get over.
I returned to Costa Rica a few weeks ago with a group. We were herping (looking for snakes in the jungles). We stayed at a beautiful resort that just happened to be 20 minutes from where I met Raymond last September. Raymond and I had had a passionate affair while we became travel companions, and it was one of the most magical times of my life. We faded away after my return, and it was so painful when he did not beg me to come back, but wished to keep me in his life as a “friend”. I felt so close to him that I didn’t want to throw out the friendship option. But I knew deep down he had moved on, so I moved on too. Or so I thought.
I didn’t plan to contact him in Costa Rica this time. But when I was there, we drove by some of the places Raymond and I had been to. The memories came flooding back into my mind and heart like a heavy rain floods a tropical wetforest. I knew I needed to at least try to contact him while I was near his town. I hadn’t emailed with him in about 4 months. I didn’t know if he was still in town, or if he’d returned to Canada or some place else. But I had his old local cell number. I called from my hotel room. Disconnected. I was satisfied that he was not there. But I couldn’t let it go. I borrowed a computer and sent him a brief email. I said: Raymond, I am in town. I am staying at the Villa Lapas, Room 146, which is 20 minutes outside of Jaco. If you’re around, feel free to leave me a message or drop by. If not, maybe we’ll catch up next time. Take care, Sherri
This was my message. Then I actually had my friends drop me off at the bar in Jaco where I’d met him. I was hoping to see some of our old cronies and possibly see him or hear word about him. His little cabina where he lived was a 5-minute walk from there. I could have knocked on his door.
But then while the car was turning around that had dropped me off, I had a revelation. The revelation was that I was DONE chasing him. I ran to the car and got in. I decided to go birdwatching instead. I was a big decision for me, not to expose myself to more hurt. It was very likely that if he was in town, he had a girlfriend. Or several. And even if I didn’t see him, I’d probably hear about it from the gang at the bar. I didn’t want to put myself through it. So I let go.
I had a very weepy day in my room where I realized that he was not nor had ever been in love with me, and I had greatly idealized the relationship. You can probably see from my writing style that I am a very romantic person, and dreamed of maybe seeing him again. But he never called or visited for the remainder of the week. I had the option of checking my emails, but I chose not to. I did not want to hear from him for the rest of the week and ruin my trip. I let go. I was in a very good place when I returned home. It’s a good thing, because there in my inbox was an email from him, sent the very next day after I had emailed him in Costa Rica. It said: “Sherri, I am still in Jaco. My new cell number is xxxxxxxxx. I would at least like to talk to you before I go to Panama in a few days. I have gotten into some wierd ass shit here. Please contact me. I hope to talk to you soon. Caio, mi carina. Raymond” (“mi carina” translates into “my love” or “my darling”). I had no interest in what his “weird ass shit” was, and I didn’t want to be dragged into it, whatever it was. I wanted to just move on.
When I saw his email, I took note that he could have easily called me in Costa Rica or taken a cab to the hotel. Instead, he wanted me to chase him. I was very glad I didn’t. I wrote him back: “LOL, I am back in the states now. I didn’t check my email for the rest of the trip, so sorry we didn’t get to talk. I figured if you were in town, you could call or drop by. Maybe we can touch base next time. Take care, my friend. Sherri”. Then I put together my Costa Rica blog with pictures. I sent the link to all my contacts, including him. I didn’t expect to ever hear back from him. As far as I was concerned I was done.
But boy was I wrong. I had opened a can of worms that I now cannot unopen! Two days ago, I got a phone call at 2:30 am. It was Raymond! I hadn’t heard his voice since last October. And here he was calling me at 2:30 am. Mind you, it was also 2:30 am in Costa Rica. There is no time difference there. I figured it must be pretty important. I was very curious what he had to say. So I unguarded myself and listened. He proceeded to tell me about his Costa Rican girlfriend that he has been living with for 6 month. The situation is “TFU” (totally fucked up) in his words. She is “crazy” and treats him badly. She is a “pirate” as he calls the women there who hook up with white men, and then the white men support her and her family. Basically, she is a prostitute. This is what he is doing – supporting her and her family on his savings! He has no job there. It’s had for Canadians to find work there. He went on and on about how desperate the situation is and now he thinks she is pregnant. She is 39 and has a 20-year old son and a 14-year old daughter already. He got kicked out of his little cabina for partying and now lives with her and her family, who refuse to speak any English. He’s very unhappy and doesn’t want her to have the baby. Of course she will have the baby because she wants him to marry her, which he probably will. I gathered that he is addicted to the sex and will probably never leave her. This went on and on……
It hurt me to hear all this, but the pain wasn’t unbearable. I listened because it was like looking at a train wreck. You don’t want to look but you can’t look away. He wanted to give me his phone number so we could talk more often. I told him I would not call him in Costa Rica and didn’t want his phone number. So he said he would call me again next week. When I hung up, I felt shocked and stunned. But I was okay. I realized, of course, what he was doing. He was too weak to leave a bad relationship, so he was triangulating me in. I wanted no parts of it. I would just not take his calls any more.
But then, it took a turn for the worst. After I hung up, I started putting two and two together. With his girlfriend’s age (39) and her location, I wondered if it was a waitress he’d been flirty with while we were together traveling. If it was, I would have been devastated, and I would never speak to him again. The pain of even thinking about it was unbearable, that he would travel back to seek out some woman he met while we were together. I was burning to know. If it wasn’t her, I could be okay.
I woke up and noticed he had sent me an email before he had called me about all the happy horseshit with his girlfriend. I wrote him back and asked if it was the waitress in Tamarindo. He replied back right away that it was not. BUT it WAS a woman who had helped us find our bus to get up to that town. She was one of the “prostitutes” of an older guy who went with us to meet her in that town. She met us there and helped us find the bus. I noticed how very gorgeous and intelligent she was at the time. I had the thought that she is someone Raymond would like. Then I let the thought go, because I am trying to work on not being a jealous person. Raymond is 37. I was 49 when I met him. So many of these Costa Rican women are stunning, with their long dark hair and beautiful complexions. Well it was that woman. She was much more of a threat to me than the waitress in Tamarindo. She is the type a man could get very addicted to.
The news hit me like a giant machete going through my gut. I literally could not get off the floor for most of the day. Naturally, I wondered how it came about with her, if he’d noticed her that day and went back and asked the older guy friend if he could “be with her” or whatever. The thoughts killed me. She is younger and more beautiful and someone I could never compete with. I had reopened a whole can of worms I didn’t want to get into.
In his email when he told me about her, he told me: “Her name is xxxxxxxx and she approves of this message.” I wrote back and said simply: “I see.” He replied, “Do you skype?”
I thought about a response. I said only: “No. But I wish you the best with your new love and new baby. Take care. Good bye, Sherri.” That’s all I said.
Over the course of the day, shock gave way to grief, and I wrote many scathing letters that I didn’t send. The word “slut” and “user” came up many times, in addition to asking why the f*** he would call me in the middle of the night to use me as a sounding board? I ended up sending him the calmest version of that letter. It started out with….”You want to skype? Skype this!” And I told him that he needs to man up to his responsibilities instead of calling ex-lovers in the middle of the night to whine about it. I asked why he would tarnish my beautiful memory of our travels? Those were really the nicest things I said to him. It really didn’t matter what I said to him. It was over between us. He’s “left me” for a younger woman and it probably happened right after I came back to the states. I had fallen hard for someone I only knew for two weeks. I let myself fall because I knew it was only for 2 weeks. And now I am in pain. The anger phase is over, and I’m just in unbearable grief.
Yes, I could have left well enough alone and not invited him back into my life. It was my doing. I hope going through all this grief gets me to a better place with myself, and with my relationships with men. I have learned a very painful lesson about opening up quickly with someone. The lesson is this: If you have a vacation romance, leave it in the past. Do NOT try to rekindle it, because that rarely has a happy ending.
And this guy is just a normal self-centered guy – not a spath. I can’t imagine what it’s like to break NC with a spath. Don’t do it for anything!
Love,
Star
The things I used to think were such a innocence about him, now I know were just act. I even said to him, he sounded very innocent, when he speaks of love and his desire. It sounded me like he is reading statements/comments from a love 101 book. I found it interesting about him. Amazign thing was he would look at me like what are you talking about.
Even his foreplay were all kind of rehersed acts. I was never could put my finger on why. Yes he wanted 100% my attention, if I go to meet my girl freind, he would hate it, though he would say I have freedom to do so, but if I do, he would hate it, on other hand he would meet women friends, thinking it is ok. He took advantage of my openess.
Yes it is hard to beleive there are such human being exist, becasue none of us can fall a person like that. It doesn put a big question mark on oue own judgement of people and it does bring a question, how do you know next person is not a spath.
This article and several posts strongly resonant with my experience.
“At the clueless end of the range, sociopaths may view the target as attractive arm candy, or may like the attention they receive from the target…”
Interesting choice of words as “clueless” is a word my x-spath uses in various online profiles. I guess I was just attractive arm candy. The city boy with a big apartment lavishing attention on a flight attendant. My version of Butterfield-8, which of course is my neighborhood…
Stargazer:
Both your story and mine underscore that even a short-term relationship with the wrong person can have disastrous long-term consequences. Mine was with a sociopath, albeit on the “clueless” end of the spectrum.
I did something stupid a bit back and looked him up on Twitter. Not that he tweets much, but there was this cryptic message, actually a location tweet that was odd and *may* have implied a civil union ceremony. Nothing confirmed but it really made me wonder. And this is why NC is important. Sociopaths are never truthful so not matter what “information” you learn about them, it not only won’t be the truth, but will be interpreted from your perspective, not reality.
What if he is an “relationship.” Does that make me any less desirable? He never wanted me in the first place and from what I know now, I would not want to be in any kind of relationship with him.
I need to constantly remind myself he is not real and any compatibility I saw in him was merely his mirroring my values. In reality, he is cold, manipulative and dishonest. It is only his exterior charm that keeps me from emotionally accepting what I intellectually understand.