It’s the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves?
This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth.
When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our lives. Axioms by which we lived turned out to be flawed: No, not everyone can be saved by our love. Yes, when some people say, “I love you,” they’re lying. No, not everyone is good deep down inside. Yes, evil exists.
The turmoil can leave us feeling like we’re drifting without an anchor.
I’d like to suggest that this year, we give ourselves the gift of a new anchor, a new axiom. And what is the gift? Trusting ourselves.
Most of us knew on some level, early in the involvement with the sociopath, that something was wrong. The sociopath’s stories didn’t add up, the behavior seemed odd, the emotions didn’t match the words. But we doubted ourselves. We let the sociopath explain away our queries, or convince us that we were paranoid.
Then, as the entanglement progressed, we started to lose ourselves. Perhaps the sociopath told us we were insane. Perhaps it was easier not to argue. Eventually our lives no longer seemed to be ours.
Well, we’ve learned the hard way that we were right all along. So let’s not berate ourselves for not heeding our instincts. Let’s take it as proof that our instincts work.
We may have to start slowly, by consciously asking ourselves, “What do I want to do now? What is right for me in this situation?” But as we release the anxiety of the sociopathic relationship and listen to ourselves, we’ll find that we have the answers.
This year, let’s give ourselves the gift of trusting and believing in our own good. We can do it. We can emerge from this experience with hard-won wisdom, and move forward to create a happy and fulfilling life.
The Lovefraud authors will be taking a break for the holidays, and will resume posting after the New Year. We wish all of you a healthy, safe and Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, blessed solstice, or whatever you celebrate, and a wonderful New Year!
A lovely and timely reminder, Donna. Yes, we can give ourselves the gift of a new anchor of self-trust.
My personal relationship with a N/S especially helped me confront my own insecurities from family-of-origin stuff and co-dependency issues in ways that free me daily from believing I am obligated to try to work things out with everyone.
The reality is that some people are impossible. They refuse to cooperate or compromise. “Mutual benefit” is not part of their vocabulary.
I received emails today from someone I did business with this year, and the individual attempted to intimidate me in different ways. I don’t know if this guy is a S or N, but he definitely has traits of being a bully. His way of relating is backwards.
I let the guy have the last word. I’d already made my points earlier about a relatively minor dispute with this person and suggested options for dealing with a problem he created that he is now trying to make my problem solely.
I survived the personal relationship with my ex-N/S, and now find myself maintaining a calm demeanor in the face of the business acquaintance’s non-sense, responding in writing in ways that I am very proud of.
In many ways, my education from dealing with a personality-disordered person has resulted in trusting myself on an entirely different level. I have greater clarity and boundaries. I feel it on a soul-level, and am excited as I move forward.
I am pumped as move forward. I take full responsibility for creating a fulfilling life for myself.
recovering,
my second ‘wow’ for tonight for your post!
going to print this one too!
This being the anniversary of one of the worst x mas eve’s last year the awkwardness, the humiliation, the set up with the ex female landlord … I am N/S/P free now….! I never listened to myself, the inner voice telling me.. wtf is he /she doing?? I mean yes I heard it but blew it off like this cant be happening .. who does this to another person… someone you have stood by for so long could just set you up to be “hurt”… well I am an intelligent, young woman and I am capable of having a healthy relationsionship and this is my time to get myself and accomplish my “goals” I do have them and most of all .. there is no one to tell me …how to drive? how to do the dishes? how to mop a floor? how to do my homework?… what to wear , eat , how to sleep when to sleep? the list is endless…. a year fly’s by… trusting our instincts….. in the movie… under the tuscan sun… when she is buying the house the little old italian lady says she is waiting… for a sign…. a signo from dio “a sign from god.”.. before she agrees to sell the house to DL also ignored those signs as well…. not anymore… I first came here on independence day 09 that was my first sign…. then the relapse… now the final boot….. Thank you to everyone here… Donna for the article… and all the great listening and support Oxy… Cat , Matt, EB, Polly and anyone I forgot…
one_step_at_a_time says: Thank you for the shout-out of support.
The common denominator for me — something I once knew but had to re-learn in the last year — in all these experiences is to not personalize other people’s behaviors or issues. It can be so easy to forget, as this appears to be a flip side of our ability to be empathic and willing to consider what role we play in a situation when a conflict arises with another.
As normal people, we will have our neurotic moments as part of our human condition. But I/we need to stop a tendency to blame ourselves or take on responsibility for things we are not responsible for. Making such distinctions and letting go on a regular basis means less stress and more freedom and inner peace.
Those with character/personality disorders will gladly project all blame and shift responsibility onto everyone else, as they tend to see “the world” as always at fault.
This year, I have been constantly reminded of why balance and discipline are necessary in all aspects of life — personal and professional; mental and physical. As M. Scott Peck wrote in “The Road Less Traveled,” discipline gives us the tools to acknowledge and deal with problems in life in ways that promote respect for self and others, with potential to enhance personal and spiritual growth.
Personal power results from practicing discipline, which demonstrates self-respect from a foundation of healthy (as opposed to malignant) self-love.
Oopsy. In my previous post, the attribution to one-step “says” should have left out “says.”
Great Article, Donna!
This year has been for me a “gift” of learning to trust myself in some things, and learnig to accept other things in myself that are more difficult (I won’t say impossible) to change.
I never ceases to amaze me the new insights I get from LoveFraud authors and bloggers every day. The gift of trusting our instincts and listening to them is a big GIFT, and one which each of us should gift themselves with. I got a big package of that last summer (an early Christmas present) when I was able to assess a situation with someone and come to the conclusion that they were a psychopath, masking as a victim. Putting that trust in myself and asking them to exit my life, and then seeing plainly the gyrations they went through to elicit pity from me was almost laughable. Everything ever described by a blogger here happened just like a “play” that I already knew the plot to, the actor was just changed. They planed the role to “perfection” and it didn’t move me at all.
I have hit myself on the back for this trusting of myself, puonded my back black and blue patting myself on the back for this and I will continue to do so. The realization that I CAN trust myself, that I CAN stand up to this kind of great psychopathic performance and NOT BE MOVED, to not get emotionally involved in it, to NOT let my empathy for the “downtrodden” overcome my instincts (to say nothing of common sense!) is so empowering.
And even though I know I am human and I may be fooled again in the future, I will feel much more trust in myself to spot them EARLY on before they have done damage to me.
This gives me a sense of safety, of trusting myself to keep myself safe. If we can’t trust ourselves, WHO can we trust?
Establishing SELF TRUST I think is THE most important part of our healing, and I’m glad I reached that milestone in 2009. It will make 2010 a better year, a safer year, and for this I thank you and all teh authors and bloggers here for helping me reach that point. Without thinking about it, I couldn’t have reached it, and LF and the articles and blogs here are what made me THINK about this aspect of healing so that I could lacheive it.
Happy Holidays to everyone here!!!!!
OxDrover — I know you know your not being moved by the psychopathic performances and not getting emotionally-involved in the pity-plays will result in being called/labeled “cold,” “bitch” and worse by those whose manipulations no longer work. LOL.
A year-end toast to you for making SELF-TRUST your motto, which, as you say, is THE most important part of our healing.
Happy Holidays to you and all on Lovefraud who have provided me such warmth on this journey of ongoing recovery.
Recovering:
your post above where you mention not taking things personally could have been written by me three years ago. in fact, your insertion of ‘says’ really had my head tilted sideways, cause it sounded so much like me pre N and pre S.
THANK YOU. part of this healing is to see who i was before contact. and i don’t want to go back to who i was then——-i wanna be BETTER.
I had an experience in a meeting last week – a few minutes of watching two folks trying to gaslight me and a room full of people. I am glad my laptop was between me and them – i could see the LF icon on my toolbar. I held my own better than I ever could have in the past.
Out of the meeting i explained what they were doing to someone who was shaking her head at their behavior. I said, ‘that was gaslighting. I don’t what they motivation was – probably to pass the buck, etc. but this is the process…’
Christmas is my Birthday.
Today my mother asked me what kind of cake I wanted.
I am a big fan of ice cream cake, which I have requested pretty consistantly since the passing of my grandmother, whom would make all of our cakes from scratch.
This year at the age of 31, I decided I didn’t want and ice cream cake, but I also am not a big fan of whipped or cream frosting…I was lost.
I kept telling my mom, “I don’t know.” then, “I don’t care.”
But, then a little, tiny voice inside of me spoke. Each time I said I don’t know, or I don’t care the voice grew.
For those who are still tuning their receptors to the still small voice within; it’s not audible of-course, but it feels like guilt or anxiety.
When I “heard” the voice I knew there must be something I wanted. I HAD to decide. This was MY birthday afterall. I DESERVE what I WANT.
I had to think.
First I sorted through my mental catalog of distinct bakeries, then I decided on the flavor.
It was a bitter-sweet moment.
I am saddened by the realization that my first instinct is to go the easy route, and NOT make things difficult for others.
I am empowered by my exercising of my opinion and voicing my preferences.
Why was this so hard?
I am growing and healing now, but it is alarming at how slowly I am progressing.
-I think this is in the realm of what this article is expressing, and I hope I have shed some light for others who are still learning to love and care for, and YES, trust their instincts.
Love and Peace to all
“and to all a good night!”
Banana
Great article.. yes to trust myself and like another post wrote don’t take others behavior personally.. how they behave is about them.. and if they don’t treat me with respect and value I am gone.. To look at what others do, how they do it, really listen and more important to hear and to go slow.
Last night, I went to dinner with a girlfriend and where we ate was where the guy and I went often. In fact we took his mother there for her birthday dinner and she died about a week later… He was in my area. So there are memories in the place that I have gone for years.. but I confort them when they tweak me.. My girlfriend brought up the role modeling of her telling me how this man entered my life and the way that he just took it over.. she did it like a man was doing that to her .. so I could see it clearly… putting some distance on what is going on in your life and sharing with a friend and getting their objective input really allows you to see with new eyes.. I saw in the first week what this man was doing and had I listened to my instincts and pulled back I would’ve seen him faster and confronted things.. But was this supposed to happen in that I helped his mother.. After she died and I found out that he was about to be evicted when he moved in with me… I never trusted him again..and I actually was suspecious in the first week… as it was too much too fast.. but I will give him this.. he hung in like almost the perfect partner for months.. but it all felt contrived and I just could never beleive him.. and that is another aspect that we talked about.. I geninuely care for people.. in my heart.. I dom’t fake it.. and it amazes me how others can fake it .. use the word love.. use the word soulmate like they are saying hello… then they are off to another…
So that is the hurt.. and the realization yes, trust myself.. as my God given instincts have never failed me..
I am genuine and that is what attracts them to me and why I am blinded.. I assume that they are as real as I am.. and they aren’t..
And I have this in business, like in another post.. I just recently had issues with a business interaction.. and persons in personal life.. It’s like most everyone is just out to get what they can get, use others to get it, lie, con, and even use religion to do so.. this world is getting even worse on some aspects…conning everywhere…
Seeing clearly, feeling your moral adjuster, and reconizing the con.. keeping people at arms length.. don’t reveal so much about myself.. done be so open..realize cons are looking for you to reveal yourself…
Protect myself and trust my instinsts..TRUST MYSELF not others… and surround myself with honest friends..that aren’t afraid to tell the truth.. Proudly that is what my girlfriends say about me.. that when they ask me.. they can count on the truth.. I have no agenda…
TRUST MYSELF!