It’s the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves?
This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth.
When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our lives. Axioms by which we lived turned out to be flawed: No, not everyone can be saved by our love. Yes, when some people say, “I love you,” they’re lying. No, not everyone is good deep down inside. Yes, evil exists.
The turmoil can leave us feeling like we’re drifting without an anchor.
I’d like to suggest that this year, we give ourselves the gift of a new anchor, a new axiom. And what is the gift? Trusting ourselves.
Most of us knew on some level, early in the involvement with the sociopath, that something was wrong. The sociopath’s stories didn’t add up, the behavior seemed odd, the emotions didn’t match the words. But we doubted ourselves. We let the sociopath explain away our queries, or convince us that we were paranoid.
Then, as the entanglement progressed, we started to lose ourselves. Perhaps the sociopath told us we were insane. Perhaps it was easier not to argue. Eventually our lives no longer seemed to be ours.
Well, we’ve learned the hard way that we were right all along. So let’s not berate ourselves for not heeding our instincts. Let’s take it as proof that our instincts work.
We may have to start slowly, by consciously asking ourselves, “What do I want to do now? What is right for me in this situation?” But as we release the anxiety of the sociopathic relationship and listen to ourselves, we’ll find that we have the answers.
This year, let’s give ourselves the gift of trusting and believing in our own good. We can do it. We can emerge from this experience with hard-won wisdom, and move forward to create a happy and fulfilling life.
The Lovefraud authors will be taking a break for the holidays, and will resume posting after the New Year. We wish all of you a healthy, safe and Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, blessed solstice, or whatever you celebrate, and a wonderful New Year!
Banana: I am reading the Betrayal Bond, and it talks about ‘trauma deprivation or abstinence’ – I do this. I deny myself, even when I CAN do something, accept something, receive something.
SOOOO, WHAT KINDA CAKE ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE??
A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
One Step,
Thank you 🙂
I LOOOOOve peanut butter.
I am going to have a “Reeses” cake: peanut butter and chocolate.
MMMMmmmmmmmm.
On another note. I am thinking I should read that book.
What do you think?
It has been 7 months since my “aha” moment, when I realized my wayward husband was a S/P. I am afraid of triggering.
I think maybe I need to start facing my fears head-on, for my benefit, specially in this case where the education may be freeing and healing.
BANANA: peanut butter and chocolate! awesome!
what do I think? what do YOU think? LOL
The BETRAYAL BOND is really grounding for me; there is a ‘trauma stress index’ in the 2nd chapter that i did last week, and the info i got from it, is reverbing daily.
I go at the work in the book slowly, so that I don’t overwhelm my system. Step by step. I am looking froward to doing another exercise over the next few days. The book is really giving me information about what has happened throughout my life experience that has brought me to the psychotic people- and keep me there.
oops, that should have been, ‘kept me there’.
An early Happy Birthday to you, banana! What an awesome day to have a birthday!
You know, one of the things I am learning about myself is the very thing you brought up. I struggled with this and still do. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact, at times, that there are those who really do want to do something for me. It stems from my past with my ex because everything had strings attached to it. To just GIVE FROM THE HEART was something I had come to believe others didn’t do. I quit asking for anything, but in doing so, I also took from others the chance to give when they really wanted to. When I finally asked for help from friends to get out of the mess I was in, their comment was “Finally! All we wanted to do was help, but you had to ask for it first.”
I denied myself of so much by not simply asking for what I needed. I truly believed I didn’t deserve it, that I wasn’t worthy. My mind didn’t even GO there. I had to do it all or there was nothing done. Now, I am reaching out, getting help and support, giving what I can, mainly to people here on LF and I am starting to balance this out a little bit.
I love this article about trusting yourself, Donna. What a wonderful present to all of us! I am doing this in bits and pieces and it works! It feels good too!
Happy holidays to all!
Cat
Dear Banana,
Happy birthday to you Sweetie!!! And the cake sounds great!
I also recommend that you read the Betrayal Bond it is a good book. If you haven’t read Bob Hares’ Without conscience” that is another MUST read. I did a review of a book on People Pleasing too ( you can search on LF for “oxdrover” and all my articles will come up, I can’t remember the exact name) but that was a good one for me.
It is like we are afraid to “displease” someone, anyone. If we displease anyone it is out fault, even if we displease them by standing up for ourselves against their abuse. This is somehow programmed into us and I think makes us the PERFECT VICTIMS in many ways. DIS-pleasing anyone gives us anxiety and a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in which we try to justify how we try to placate them and keep them from becoming displeased.
Some of us get it from our parents demanding that we always PLEASE them, but others get it in different ways. I am also suspecting that there are some sort of GENETIC combination for this as well as the Genetics for tending toward dominance and psychopathy.
Where ever it comes from, WE have the ability to change this through hard work, knowledge and therapy (even if it is self-therapy) and we are getting “GROUP therapy” of a sort here at LF, I think that is why it is so empowering for us all. Why we come here.
Sometimes I get “burned out” on reading books about self help and psychopathy, and go for a whiel reading novels or history, and then will go back and read another book for insight into myself, sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t resonate with me. But I have never failed to get some insight here on LF almost every day. Either from an article or from a blogger’s comments.
It also buoys up my spirits when I see progress in a blogger who came here a ‘basket case” and is now making great progress and passing on that strength to the newer bloggers. That is an amazing process to watch! I enjoy each success of each of the bloggers here as if it were my own success!
Remember too “A BURDEN SHARED IS HALVED, AND A JOY SHARED IS DOUBLED!”
Banana,
Happy B-Day to you, ….I don’t know about the rest of you all but I’m going to Bananas moms house for some peanut butter and chocolate cake on Christmas…..Yummy!
Lol….
A very Happy Christmas, to all my wonderful friends on LF! I have learned SO much in the 6 months since I found this great website. Ive ben able to learn about my spath daughters, and about MYSELF, what triggers me from my manipulative Mum, and my chauvinistic brothers. I was, like a lot of you, perfect “spath-bait”! {My great new word!} Today is Xmas day, and our ‘adopted” kids are coing over for Xmas lunch and stayong overnight with us. I did most of the preparation in advance, laid the Xmas table, etc. so dont have much to do today.My Grandkids and SIL and his GF are coming over NY day, so they can get their gifts then. My older D hasnt rung, my boundary still stands, I havent weakened and rung her, its hard but Im determined she wont have control over me any more. She is the loser! The ball is in her court! her pride wont allow her to apologise to me, and I WONT lower my
boundary. I have a whole new life now, I know I must embrace it with both hands! I can do no more for her, but give her to God, same with the other spath daughter.
Thanks so much again all of you, esp. dear OXY Kathy, TB , Henry,Witty, you are all AWESOME!! have a wonderful spathfree xmas, and a peaceful, healthy,prosperous and spathfree 2010!!Lots of Love and {{{HUGS!!}}} Gem.XX {Any news yet on NewLily, Oxy?}
I was wondering where you were GEM! Darlling we are freezing up here in the snow, rain and ice, and are soooo jealous of your summer breezes!Wish we could all come to your house and put some nice fat prawns on the barbie!
I remember a Christmas day on Durban beach in the hot summer time and it was wonderful, except I burned!
Happy holidays dear Gem! enjoy!
My darling Oxy! Thank you,-you have a great Xmas day too!
Yesterday the temp was 38 deg. C, with 90 % humidity. The sweat was running down my face as I typed on the computer, as the office is upstairs in the hottest room in the house.
A Gf in Scotland sent me some great pics of thir house and garden with about a foot of snow on an outside round table, it looked likea wedding cake! We sure have extremes of temps on this wonderful blue planet of ours, -hope we havent stuffed it up permanently! Please throw me a nice fat snowball, and Ill use it to cool my drink! Much Love to all of you, and a spath free New Year to all!! Gem.XXX