It’s the holiday season, and many of us are running around doing last minute shopping, trying to find gifts for everyone on our list—and possibly, with this economy, on a limited budget. But what are we planning to give the most important person on our list? That is, what are we planning to give to ourselves?
This year, some of us have been forced to face the fact that the person to whom we dedicated our time, energy, love and money was a sociopath, thoroughly prepared to take everything he or she could from us. Some of us discovered this a year or two ago, and are still processing the awful truth.
When we become entangled with a sociopath, it shakes the foundation upon which we built our lives. Axioms by which we lived turned out to be flawed: No, not everyone can be saved by our love. Yes, when some people say, “I love you,” they’re lying. No, not everyone is good deep down inside. Yes, evil exists.
The turmoil can leave us feeling like we’re drifting without an anchor.
I’d like to suggest that this year, we give ourselves the gift of a new anchor, a new axiom. And what is the gift? Trusting ourselves.
Most of us knew on some level, early in the involvement with the sociopath, that something was wrong. The sociopath’s stories didn’t add up, the behavior seemed odd, the emotions didn’t match the words. But we doubted ourselves. We let the sociopath explain away our queries, or convince us that we were paranoid.
Then, as the entanglement progressed, we started to lose ourselves. Perhaps the sociopath told us we were insane. Perhaps it was easier not to argue. Eventually our lives no longer seemed to be ours.
Well, we’ve learned the hard way that we were right all along. So let’s not berate ourselves for not heeding our instincts. Let’s take it as proof that our instincts work.
We may have to start slowly, by consciously asking ourselves, “What do I want to do now? What is right for me in this situation?” But as we release the anxiety of the sociopathic relationship and listen to ourselves, we’ll find that we have the answers.
This year, let’s give ourselves the gift of trusting and believing in our own good. We can do it. We can emerge from this experience with hard-won wisdom, and move forward to create a happy and fulfilling life.
The Lovefraud authors will be taking a break for the holidays, and will resume posting after the New Year. We wish all of you a healthy, safe and Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, blessed solstice, or whatever you celebrate, and a wonderful New Year!
Henry, I’m jealous of your relationship with the wild birds!!!! That is AMAZING!
Wooo HOooo!!
And a merry Christmas to Erin and her boys!!
Yea, Henry, that “dream of a white christmas is a NIGHTMARE, huh?” We only got a few inches here but the blizard winds are awful, I had to go outside with son C to take care of the stock and it was terrible the few minutes I was out. Fat and Hairy are hunkered behind their wind break and we gave them some corn to heat them up a bit from inside.
Glad your little birdies are coming to eat! I know they appreciate your boundy in the snow which covers all their food.
Glad you still have power! My friend from Dallas called and said it snowed so hard and blew 60 MPH down there that all their holiday get togethers were canceled. Reminds me of 1983 when it was a blizard all across the country and I drove home from San Diego to Arkansas after christmas in an ice storm half the way and 60+ MPH winds where there was no ice.
My egg donor knows how much I hate that kind of driving and she asked my kids after we arrived, “How did you make it?” and they said “we were in the back a praying and mom was in the front a cussin!”
Had a similar trip in 1976 or so, ice and 10-12 inches of snow on most of I-40 all the way from L. A. after you crossed to the east of the mountains and 10 degree weather.
Nice just to snuggle up inside and not worry about traveling in this kind of weather, but lots of folks flooded out, stranded in airports and even stranged on the road. They interviewed a kid whose car went off the road in a flood on I-30 a couple of days ago and he is stranged and ‘broke.” Also families driving to Texas got caught here in Arkansas and couldn’t continue. Hundreds of them, plus the folks with water in their houses for christmas, not a nice present from “Mother Nature” at all, so I think we are fortunate Henry and the rest of the LF crew here! P-FREE and safely at home!
Spirit40 and all….I think any help we give others here also helps ourselves. And thank you to everyone for your kindness to me and all the help!
Happy Holidays to Everyone!!!! Many thanks to all, for your willingness to share so deeply. I am grateful for all of you here, all of you who come and go, and for those who no longer post.
This is the second year of awakening, and I feel peaceful, safe, and content!!!!! YIPEE. These feelings are SO connected to the trust I have developed, in me. Before I felt frightened of ‘my own shadow’. Because I couldn’t trust myself to listen and heed my own senses/wisdom.
Lovefraud (this community!) has been one of the most influential, healing, contructive places I have had to good fortune to discover.
Love to you ALL….Slim
Pollyannanomore,
Thank you, I sure hope for the good memories for me and my boys, as well as everyone here!
I hope you are having a wonderful peaceful time!
Thank you for your acknowledgement, it means a lot to me. It is very nice to be spoke to. You said it best…”a sense of belonging.”
Spirit40,
Thank you! I didn’t know that I had helped anyone. I sure hope that I have.
I know I could sure use the help and friendship, so I hope that I somehow have offered the same to you and others.
All of LF
I hope EVERYONE is having a peaceful, fulfilling holiday season!!
Hi everyone…
Im having a rough day today as it is my ex’s birthday. I made it through the holidays with medium difficulty, however, his birthday being today is upsetting to me.
I try and remember all the crap that happened, and after the holidays are REALLy over, I will be better able to put it back in perspective again.
I feel like that song by Keith Urban…”tonight, i wanna cry”…
Any posts replies would be greatly appreciated 🙂
Dear R-babe,
The ups and downs are “normal” feelings in the early stages (and sometimes the late stages) of the healing process.
I’m not sure why HIS birthday would trigger you, but obviously it does some how.
Distracting yourself by doing something for YOU is usually a good plan, go to a movie, call a friend, take a long hot nice bath, go to the gym, take a walk, whatever rings your chimes and makes YOU feel good.
I used to feel bad sometimes when my egg donor’s birthday would go by and of course I did not send her a card, but you know, after this time has passed, this year I didn’t even remember the day was her birthday til a couple of days later. I’m not all that great on “dates” anyway but didn’t even think about it this year and that’s a good thing.
Sitting home mopeing when we are down is probably the worst thing to do, so I try to find something productive to do or do something for me. Have a better day! (((hugs)))
robxsykobabe,
Maybe if you have a good cry it will be cleansing and then you can call a friend and make some dinner plans or go to a movie or somthing like Oxy said.
Sometimes we just need a good cry and then we can do something productive afterwards so we don’t get “stuck” there….
Do keep the perspective that what you ARE missing was never real. I think that part of it is important. To not get caught up in the “if onlys”.
Hope that you will feel better real soon 🙂
Rbabe, I can imagine even by next year (and past years) that your friend’s birthday might trigger you – the people we love and anything associated with them takes on special significance. So I’d say cry, get it out but try like Oxy said to channel those feelings elsewhere. I’ve been away for a few days, came back tonight to read and wanted to wish everyone very happy holidays, glad to see that Erin is back and sounds happy. I’m still in the mix, the next two days will see how my own money issues with my friend plays out – I have no expectations, only my own deadline to be true to myself if he is not. But tonight is not for running my situation into the ground – I see and have received so much help and love here – Rbabe, you were kind to me in your remarks one day and I’m sorry you’ve been sad – hope tomorrow is a new and better day for you.
Thanks to everyone, will be back near the New Year – wishing all a wonderful, happy one.