by AlohaTraveler
Today, July 3, is a significant day for me. On this day, three years ago, I left the Bad Man. Let’s take stock of that moment in time:
- Total cash = $700
- Debt = at least $16,000
- Job = None
- Place to live, bed to sleep in, a clue = No
- Plan = None
- Me = A total wreck.
Between May of 2005, when I moved in with the Bad Man, and May of 2007, I have moved 10 times. This includes one move back to the islands in September 2005 and then back to California again on November 29, 2005. My car has 7,200 nautical miles on it and it shows. It looks like it’s eating itself. Cars aren’t meant to go to sea and mine crossed the ocean three times between July 3, 2005 and November 29, 2005.
Below is the Reader’s Digest version of my trials and tribulations.
Movin’ movin’ movin’
- Moved in with the Bad Man for one last hurrah after having been apart for 4.5 months. What was I thinking?!
- The great escape: Moved out from Bad Man while he was at work.
- Moved from one friend to another.
- Moved back the the islands.
- Moved out of the hotel and into a condo.
- Moved back to California again.
- Moved in with my employer as a live-in nanny.
- Moved in with friends who took care of me for four months because I was a WRECK.
- Moved in with another friend after four months of rest, armed with a new plan. Finally.
- Moved in with my dear friends, Eric and Jen. This is where I live now and have been living for over a year.
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Between July 3, 2005 and May 2007, I landed and lost six jobs all for various reasons.
- North Shore Resort: Resigned and left Hawaii for a second time. Finally, a good choice.
- Internet start up: Business went under
- “Wellness” company: Fired by a narcissist
(Noticed right away that the boss reminded me of the Bad Man. Shortly before she gave me the ax, I was told that it was suspect that she had narcissistic personality disorder. Upon hearing this, I had a massive anxiety attack.) - Internet company: Not the right fit
- Live-in nanny: Not the right fit again
- County job: Contract ran out.
Where I am today
I have a place to call home and have been there for over a year now. Shortly after I moved in, my friends gave me an old dresser. It’s big and heavy and feels like an anchor, a welcome anchor. I unpacked my suitcases for the first time in nearly two years. That night, as I lay in bed, I stared at my “new” dresser and I cried. Since I have been here, life has finally started to stabilize for me.
My symptoms of PTSD have subsided. Occasionally, I have a strange choking, coughing sensation in my throat when I have a distressing thoughts but I don’t have anxiety attacks like I did before. I smile more. I laugh more. I sleep better. I don’t think about the Bad Man and worry if he really was the one and if it really was me that messed it all up. I fully embrace and accept that he is a pathological, not fixable, person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I have two jobs now. I have been at the first one since November of last year. I have been at the second one since March of this year. They are both in the area of social services and are an extension of the county contract I did last year. I have applied for grad school for an MSW and I am waiting to hear if I have been accepted.
I have paid off over $11,000 of that original Maui debt. Keep in mind that since I have been home, I have been unemployed off and on for at least 10 months and have worked for long periods of time for just $10 an hour.
I have started to date. At times, it feels like stepping out on thin ice, but I am doing it. I have started to rejoin the activities I loved in the past, such as sailing and baking and LAUGHING!
The road leads to you
I believe we will recover at the rate equivalent to the degree that we are committed to telling ourselves the truth. Now that you are here at Lovefraud, the truth is available to you and right under your nose. Will you accept it? It’s up to you.
Whatever it is you have lost, you will eventually get one thing back if you keep trying. Life might not ever look like it did before you crossed paths with a pathological partner but if you are open, it can look better. And at the end of the road, you will find YOU, and… another road… and maybe an old dresser.
Sitting in my “Big Girl Panties” today
- Debts = under control.
- Jobs = more than one
- A safe place to live, warm bed, and a plan for my life = check!
- Me = a whole lot wiser and not a juicy pick anymore for a Bad Man.
You go girl!
Stories like yours keep me strong. Even being in the straights you were in is better than staying to be destroyed piece by piece by a P.
And truer words were never spoken. “It has nothing to do with me”. The victims are interchangeable and of no consequence. We were only meant to “project” for them how worthy they are. So if they land a nice one, like you or me, all the better. If they can rip us off in the process, big score.
Because of our painful and bitter experience, we are now equipped for the rest of our lives to protect ourselves from these vultures.
And we are ready to live, laugh and love!
I hope the bad man doesn’t have initial MH? One of my bosses fled our state and moved to HI. I hope he didn’t rope you in cause I could tell you some stories about when he worked with us.
Aloha, “you’ve come a long way baby” and you are on the move! Congratulations!
GREAT POST!
Awesome! I love the dresser, great talisman….
a pair of big girl panties..would have been hysterical… 🙂
Well Done AloaT. You’re a star! Well done you – big girls panties and all! You’ve shared alot of your pain with us and now you are coming out the other end. Thank you for sharing your inspiring journey. (((hugs)))
“I don’t think about the Bad Man and worry if he really was the one and if it really was me that messed it all up. I fully embrace and accept that he is a pathological, not fixable, person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.”
That is the biggest TRUTH of all!!!!
We all love the success stories…. Donna’s and your’s!
It sure is a long road to wellness and recovery…. and a lot of times the progress seems so slow, that we don’t even think it’s happening…. but as you have done here, when we make a “list” of what we were and what we started with, and compare it to where we are now and what we have accomplished, we can see the measureable strides we have taken and the hurdles we have overcome…..Aloha, I see that with and in you and with your story. I hope that you keep the lists that you shared with us, close to your heart and mind, so when you have those days that those old tapes play in your head, and when you might ever second guess the reality of what was “not”, pull out those lists of “where and who I was and where and who I am now” and be reminded of the courage, beauty and the TRUTH of who you are.
I read a lot more then I post nowadays.. but I feel a bond with all of you here….
We’ve all seem to have landed here in the same beat-up, broken condition, and through the process of sharing with each other our fears, our anger, our disbelief and giving to one another support, understanding, and love, we eventually come to an acceptance of what happened and perhaps our part in it (lack of boundaries), then we move on to making positive changes in mind and spirit… redefining, reinventing, who we once were, into a better, wholeness of a person….. The proverbial taking something bad that happened and making something good from it. I know that is possible for everyone of us, and at some point we all will be totally in that sweet spot.
Aloha, you have been one of more outspoken ones here and I have seen you “wrap” your arms around those here who, by the pain in their written words, have needed a “hug” with incouraging, heartfelt responses.
You are a success story for all of us.. and we love you! Thanks for once again sharing your heart with us.
~R~
Bravo, Aloha. You’ve been a constant surfeit of comfort, support and practical wisdom for many people on this site.
You DO deserve the very best that life has to offer, and I admire your courage, strength, resolve to be a giving, compassionate woman during and after the chaos that the BM created for you. He is a nobody, a plague upon the human species.
We are the epitome of success, proven by our indomitable spirits to overcome that which we thought was the surest defeat. I sincerely applaud all the women and men who have been exposed to the darkest, blackest souls on Earth but were able to claw, slowly climb their way out of the abyss, clean and pure, shining with incandescent light.
You are radiant, hon, and your radiance flows from this healing website to my monitor, into my heart.
Bless you…:)
Another survival story!! I am beginning to see how much everyone is healing since I came to the sight last fall (case history – pilot cons women…). I too look back and see what I have accomplished since January 2006 when the bottom fell out. And the best part is I did it by myself. I had to sell a boat, get a mortgage, hire an attorney out of state, get an new job (the other filed bankrutcy), and then to be able to pay the real estate taxes – I decided I would have to rent the extra bedroom in my house. I have survived!!
I still like spending time by myself (because I don’t have to answer to anyone), but I am finding myself slowly warmimg up to doing things with friends; and of course I have my family.
Life is certainly not looking at dismal as it did before. Now I’m working on my “bucket list”.
Best to you AlohaT!!
Aloha:
Hurrah for you!! Especially the laughter. Very touching article on healing and survival; you’re very strong.
Congratulations!
Peggy Pseu
Its nice to see you back peggywhoever. Makes me nostalgic, when I remember some of the people on here when I first posted last autumn and how far we have all travelled. I do miss some of the other people and wonder how they are getting on.