by AlohaTraveler
Today, July 3, is a significant day for me. On this day, three years ago, I left the Bad Man. Let’s take stock of that moment in time:
- Total cash = $700
- Debt = at least $16,000
- Job = None
- Place to live, bed to sleep in, a clue = No
- Plan = None
- Me = A total wreck.
Between May of 2005, when I moved in with the Bad Man, and May of 2007, I have moved 10 times. This includes one move back to the islands in September 2005 and then back to California again on November 29, 2005. My car has 7,200 nautical miles on it and it shows. It looks like it’s eating itself. Cars aren’t meant to go to sea and mine crossed the ocean three times between July 3, 2005 and November 29, 2005.
Below is the Reader’s Digest version of my trials and tribulations.
Movin’ movin’ movin’
- Moved in with the Bad Man for one last hurrah after having been apart for 4.5 months. What was I thinking?!
- The great escape: Moved out from Bad Man while he was at work.
- Moved from one friend to another.
- Moved back the the islands.
- Moved out of the hotel and into a condo.
- Moved back to California again.
- Moved in with my employer as a live-in nanny.
- Moved in with friends who took care of me for four months because I was a WRECK.
- Moved in with another friend after four months of rest, armed with a new plan. Finally.
- Moved in with my dear friends, Eric and Jen. This is where I live now and have been living for over a year.
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Between July 3, 2005 and May 2007, I landed and lost six jobs all for various reasons.
- North Shore Resort: Resigned and left Hawaii for a second time. Finally, a good choice.
- Internet start up: Business went under
- “Wellness” company: Fired by a narcissist
(Noticed right away that the boss reminded me of the Bad Man. Shortly before she gave me the ax, I was told that it was suspect that she had narcissistic personality disorder. Upon hearing this, I had a massive anxiety attack.) - Internet company: Not the right fit
- Live-in nanny: Not the right fit again
- County job: Contract ran out.
Where I am today
I have a place to call home and have been there for over a year now. Shortly after I moved in, my friends gave me an old dresser. It’s big and heavy and feels like an anchor, a welcome anchor. I unpacked my suitcases for the first time in nearly two years. That night, as I lay in bed, I stared at my “new” dresser and I cried. Since I have been here, life has finally started to stabilize for me.
My symptoms of PTSD have subsided. Occasionally, I have a strange choking, coughing sensation in my throat when I have a distressing thoughts but I don’t have anxiety attacks like I did before. I smile more. I laugh more. I sleep better. I don’t think about the Bad Man and worry if he really was the one and if it really was me that messed it all up. I fully embrace and accept that he is a pathological, not fixable, person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I have two jobs now. I have been at the first one since November of last year. I have been at the second one since March of this year. They are both in the area of social services and are an extension of the county contract I did last year. I have applied for grad school for an MSW and I am waiting to hear if I have been accepted.
I have paid off over $11,000 of that original Maui debt. Keep in mind that since I have been home, I have been unemployed off and on for at least 10 months and have worked for long periods of time for just $10 an hour.
I have started to date. At times, it feels like stepping out on thin ice, but I am doing it. I have started to rejoin the activities I loved in the past, such as sailing and baking and LAUGHING!
The road leads to you
I believe we will recover at the rate equivalent to the degree that we are committed to telling ourselves the truth. Now that you are here at Lovefraud, the truth is available to you and right under your nose. Will you accept it? It’s up to you.
Whatever it is you have lost, you will eventually get one thing back if you keep trying. Life might not ever look like it did before you crossed paths with a pathological partner but if you are open, it can look better. And at the end of the road, you will find YOU, and… another road… and maybe an old dresser.
Sitting in my “Big Girl Panties” today
- Debts = under control.
- Jobs = more than one
- A safe place to live, warm bed, and a plan for my life = check!
- Me = a whole lot wiser and not a juicy pick anymore for a Bad Man.
Free –
13 years? I am so sorry. With your son? How is he today? How did you handle your trauma while raising him? Did you talk with him about it? I wonder so much how this has hurt him, and hope I have done him no harm.
(I have to get off this computer today and spend the afternoon with him…he has been patiently waiting.)
You are alone here in this country? You don’t have anyone either?
We are very much alike.
In her mid-life, my mother lost it and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and died in 2004. The entire thing ripped apart my family, and it was so devastating to me that I didn’t see her on her deathbed. Long story.
But my abuser knew about my mother’s mental illness and used it to gain more control of me.
Even my son’s father brings it up to me when he wants to shut me up, and control what I am doing, and he wasn’t the abusive one. He just abandoned me with a 3 month old. (It was easier to take than what the abuser did when I met him when my son was 2).
And I see you’ve answered my question about dating. I feel the same way. I want no relationship now. I need to heal. And you seem to feel the same way.
Must be normal.
How did you find your counselor? Angels are very rare in that business.
I fear that the counselors who are intent on keeping the blame on the victim are the ones who perpetuate the “bad boundary” theory that I am reeling against.
No abuser lets his true side show until you are hooked, and then it is very late if not too late, to get away. Red flags and boundaries can be written off easily.
Just like a smoker who keeps smoking even if they know it will eventually kill them. Cognitive Dissonance.
Many many books I read gave me AMPLE reasons to tell myself…well, I smoke low tar, or I only smoke because weight gain is even more unhealthy…or I only smoke after meals…or I smoke because it helps me to de-stress…
I am not a smoker, but if you want to believe in the man you love, it is very easy to find some professional or some author out there who can give you TONS of reasons to hang in there.
When I have time, I am planning a book report and it will help me to organize my information to post on Amazon.
I have read dozens of books. Only three actually helped and one of them was Kathy Krajco’s and you can’t get it on Amazon.
There is a little female goldfinch sitting on my windowsill looking at me right now. She comes often, clinging to the tiny strip of rubber that seals the window, hanging on for dear life, and then she just looks in at me.
You don’t have a yellow shirt on right now do you Free? I think this little gal is checking in on me to make sure I am okay.
Yikes 4:49 a.m.?
It’s 3:30 p.m. here.
I guess we can’t have lunch someday then.
I have found some answers here. At least here everyone knows what the other is going through. Had I been out searching for someone to do this to me, then I’d not be surprised. And had I never known what it was like to be touched, caressed, made to feel like I am loved, I wouldn’t know what I was missing. But I took those touches and caresses and words of love and endearment, and claimed them as my own, but they weren’t meant. They were just words to get me to bend to their will. I did, because I thought I had to. I thought that would make me a dutiful wife and I’d secure my future filled with love.
Boy I sure stepped into the wrong fairy tale. I remember how my friends and I would play house when we were 8-10. We’d talk of how we were going to do it. I made that my goal instead of finding an alternative if that failed. I think, could I be analyzed, it came from my mother dying too early and there was no one to finish that mothering process. It was like a bird that was kicked out of the nest too soon and hadn’t any idea of how to survive. I thought I knew how to love and thought love begat love. That is so far from the truth of the matter that it doesn’t exist.
As I keep going alone, I’m not lonely per se. I miss what I set myself up for. Just to finish what my husband and I started. I had no idea he was just saying empty words. I believed him and he only meant the words that pertained to his future. What he would do when he retired. I guess he was too old for me, but at the time it didn’t seem so. I saw myself as his wife, but he saw me as a mother. I suspected that and it wasn’t until I became acquainted with the web and found this site and others, that it confirmed what I knew deep in my heart.
Our character is determined by our actions. If someone screams from the roof tops they aren’t an alcoholic, but drink constantly in secret, they are still an alcoholic. Some people think if no one can see them do what they do, then they don’t do it. Like the tree falling in the forest, etc.
I’m still in a state of disbelief that when light kept dawning in my life and the truth was being exposed, that my husband could still deny it. He and his family are such that they’d cut their tongue out of their head before they’d admit to something they did. But they wait until they are dying and want to make amends. They allowed life to pass them by and lost all those years filled with bitter resentment. I don’t want that for me and that’s why I wanted truth. I didn’t want my husband to wait till he was dying to say he was sorry.
But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you can’t force someone to love you. If they say the word, they think that’s all that’s required. It’s such a mixed up state of mind. And some go around collecting friends in name only. No action on their part, but we’re friends. I think I missed something somewhere concerning life 101. I think it’s easier to get into Heaven following God’s precepts than it is getting through life.
For some reason those here and those who are going through the same thing but haven’t found their way out, there is a purpose to all this. It’s finding that purpose that stymies me. I admire those who bounce right back and go out and find another. I just can’t put myself out there and go through it all again.
Am I a shrew? Maybe. I can’t say that I’m angry, but I will now fight back when cornered. I never did before. I have a Christian friend who says I’m now experiencing being human. I think that is so. I was a non entity for so long. I was the strong one. I was the glue and sand paper. But I wasn’t given the credit. Instead I was blamed. And I’m working my way out of that.
Dear Apt/Mgr,
NO, you are not a shrew! You are a woman who has been abused by someone who should have loved her and respected her, but didn’t.
EVeryone will find, I think, their “own special purpose” for the things we have been through–Dr. Viktor Frankl, who went thrhough the Nazi concentration camps wrote a wonderful book, “Man’s search for Meaning” in which he explores how pain and suffering effects people. Doesn’t matter what the pain is, Nazis or abusive spouses, pain is pain is pain.
I was totally thrilled by reading this man’s deep thoughts about how pain effects us, the choices we have when we have been wronged—we can be bitter and go out and hurt others just because, or we can realize that when you are down to nothing but your own body,and you have lost everything else in the world, you can still come out and be a better, kinder, and more peaceful person. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is searching for “meaning” in the aftermath of the abuse.
Dr. Frankl’s vision of his wife (who died in a camp not far from him) and the love he had for her helped him endure, and love and spirituality can bring us all through. Love for ourselves, love for a higher power. Not giving up on ourselves or life itself. Not becoming bitter and vengeful. Learning to forgive our abusers, not for their sakes but for our OWN SAKES. Forgiveness I have found doens’t have to include trusting them again, forgiveness and trust are two separate issues to me.
I don’t want to be that bitter angry old woman who stews the rest of my life about how badly I have been treated. I would rather have people remember me as a wise and kindly old woman, caring and loving, but no one’s fool.
You are so right, Apt/Mgr, you can’t force someone to love you even if they say the words, and “death bed sorrys” aren’t worth very much, even if it is real sorrow, but the Ps can’t even get that RIGHT unfortunately. I’d rather be the victim than the abuser, at least we can love.
apt/mgr
there once was a woman who went on a blind date.
the man was nothing like she’d hoped he would be. he was not like the love of her life who lied to her and broke her heart and ended her dreams of happily ever after.
this man was a nerd. he had glasses and was skinny and had a pocket protector. her friend had set her up on the date, telling her that he was a doctor.
the woman sat unimpressed, impatient and really missing the ex jerk even more as she looked at the nerd across from her.
she wished for the date to be over.
she got her wish.
his pager went off. there was a medical emergency. he offered to drop her off after he attended to the patient.
turns out the nerd was a pediatrician. the call was for a child undergoing cancer treatment and was sick at home.
the woman watched this nerd as he tended to the child. she listened to the compassion in his voice and watched him skillfully alleviate the child’s pain. he knew exactly what to do.
she saw how the child looked at him. with the trust that you need when you trust someone with your life. the child looked at the doctor with that trust, and with love.
the doctor sat and held the child’s hand until soon, he could bring a smile to the child’s face again.
through the whole episode, the woman watched and learned about this man who she scoffed at and thought was a nerd.
inside his pocket protector, he hid lollipops for children in pain.
her opinion changed once she opened her eyes and she even forgot to miss the ex jerk. that guy didn’t even come close to the quality of the man holding the child’s hand.
soon, she considered herself lucky to be with this nerd. soon she realized she wanted a second date. soon she realized that she wanted a man like this in her life, how great of a father he would be.
remember apt/mgr – our dreams can always change if we are open to seeing what is right before us.
forget the white horse and shining armor.
i hope someday you find a nerd with glasses and pocket protector.
Aloha and Ox- I have read alot of both of your posts and have found them very refreshing and helpful. I don’t post here much anymore because you never know when someone will take friendly advise out of context. I already hide out as much as I can because people can be cruel and vicious. I really wanted to say thank you for all of your posts and look forward to your stories and advice.
lilygirl and Oxy,
Thank you. Actually my husband would have been a nerd in his time. He was handsome, though and very clean cut. He just never dated until we met. That’s why I felt special. But it was Wini who suggested he only married me to get everyone off his back. I think that just might be it, and he got more than he bargained for.
We liked the same movies, music, food. Early on he would compliment me. We talked of what we wanted to accomplish with our lives. We decided we wanted two children. That was what we could afford. We were so close at first but I realize now that it had to be an act. How could one change so radically? It had to be because he trapped himself and really didn’t want what he had.
If he would just talk of the real reason, he would feel so free. I know so few men who will get in touch with their emotions. They scream and holler, but refuse to identify the real cause. They want to blame and I was blamed.
My husbands good looks turned to ugly to me, because of his horrible anger. He killed desire in me. It was an awful marriage, but in his mind it was great. How can they be so blind? We went to church all the time. He taught Sunday School. To the outsiders we had a wonderful existence. It was when the door shut the truth came out. I spent so many years placating him and trying to shield the girls from his anger, that I think I’m still emotionally exhausted. He couldn’t even see how broken I was that I came so close to having an affair just to find some warmth. That was my wake up call, but that opened another can of worms.
What a life I’ve had! One doesn’t have to be in a prison made of bars to be in prison. I’m torn between my promise to God and my vows, and wanting a life for me. I have no life with him. It’s just one of apathy. And that would be fine if that was all I wanted. I know that makes me sound selfish, but I have no life there. It’s just about him and his comforts and he can’t see himself. It’s so frustrating.
I so appreciate coming here to vent. You all know the feelings I describe. You tell me about me. I know what I have could be so much worse, but what’s the sense in having a marriage that is filled with nothingness? We don’t have a house built with love. It was built with anger. But he can’t see that. He can’t see that he never finished half of what he started for us, but would lovingly do for others.
I had to run out to the house and coming back, I’m in a funk. My boss allows me to use one of our efficiency apartments and I spend most of my time in my office that looks like my living room, so when I go to the house it’s like being sent back to prison. I never thought I’d be one of those women who had to go through this stage. And the saddest part is that we endure all of this, trying to make it right, to only die. Solomon said that all is vanity and I know that. I just can’t convince those who want to harm me. They are going to die too, why can’t they see it?
Sorry. Thank you all for your words. I hear what some of you have gone through and it makes what I had, a walk through the park, but it’s the parts that no one saw, except what’s in my memories that cause me pain. I see it though in the posts here. I’m like, that was me. I just need to process it all and put it away for good. I don’t want to live in the past and don’t but I have to keep going back there in order to finish the financial process.
But you’re all a great bunch of people. I never thought I’d be blogging. This is therapy like no other. I couldn’t even find this in the church. Sometimes the churched are the ones who wound their own. They did me. But God can deal with them. I’m just glad I have someone to talk with. Thank you.
my ex has the nerve to say, that if WE as in him and I decide that we should stop talking, then he would be ok with that, but me making the choice to stop talking to him is the wrong thing to do. then he has the balls to tell me that i cheated on him, and im talkin to some new guy. when the truth is that i went out when we have been broken up and danced for 10 mins with some guy with one of my girlfriends. on top of that this guy asked for my number and i turned it down. talk about controlling. i didt do anything wrong but the second you disobey what they think is right its the end of the world. but they can cheat on you for over a year, lie to you, live another life and have a realtionship with someone else but none of that matters bC they are SELFFISH!!
Had to get that out bc it just frustrates me how sick they are!
Thank you Rperk from the bottom of my heart! I wish you would post more, I love your comments! I hope you are doing well and that things are looking up for you.
This week is the anniversary of my husband’s death and I thought I was doing okay, but broke out in a case of shingles (herpes zoster) yesterday and it is quite painful…stress is one of the factors in shingles outbreaks so I guess I may be under more stress than I really thought.
Today the young man who was 16 at the time of the crash 4 years ago and his mother came by to visit me today. He was badly burned, mostly 3rd degree over about 30% of his body. MOst of his face was spared and he is receiving lazer treatments to lighten the redness of the scars. He is such an amazing and wonderful young man, age 20 now. Going to college, studying aviation (my husband is still his hero) and already teaching flying lessons to others. Recently he flew a national big wig as co-pilot on a jet.
It makes me so happy to see the recovery this brave young man has made and how he has lived through such a inferno and still doing so well in life and so successful. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like INSIDE that plane for someone so young. My adopted son D was also in the plane and badly burned but didn’t have to be hospitalized.
Though the insurance of the plane covered about 1/3 of his million dollar hospital bill, these lovely people did not sue either me or the owner of the plane, or the man who caused the crash. Which I think is amazing! When the young man graduated from high school, I gave him my husband’s brief case that he carried when he was a corporate pilot for a major company for a graduation present. He wants to follow in my husband’s footsetps and is already making giant strides in that direction for one so young. I’m not sure if I had been in that burning plane if I could have ever gotten inside one again and now he is confidently piloting one.
I know the loss of my beloved husband isn’t and wasn’t a P-event, but it has sure made it much harder for me to fight off the Ps because it did take so much out of my system it left me very weak and vulnerable. LIfe “gets us” that way sometimes and when we are LEAST ABLE to “defend” ourselves the Ps seem somehow to know that we are the “lame” animal in the herd and seem to go for us like the lion after the limping antelope. When my X-BF P started “courting me” 8 months after my husband’s death, I knew it was “too early” to be even interested in a relationship but it seemed almost god-sent, we had so much in common, etc. I felt like Cinderella at the ball. I was going to have another wonderful soul mate to help me heal from the grief of losing my H. Instead it turned into the relationship from hell, leaving me devestated again, then my P-son, knowing I was foundering pounced on me again–so it was one scrape after another, barely surviving each crisis before the next one hit.
This last year has been a series of losses, from my 14 year old Shitzu, to my 11 year old GReat white Pyraness who was murdered by some gun happy creep in her own front yard on Thanksgiving day, gut shot and left to be found hours later, my 32 year old horse had to be put down because she was incurably lame, and the NC with my mom, my son, and the near loss of my son C’s life, and the stalking I got from the Trojan Horse P–it has been a pretty full year and a half, and the last year especially.
The good side though, is that I am back home, and the Trojan HOrse P is still in prison, my son C survived the attack of his wife and the TH-P and the DIL is now the EX-DIL out of our family, thank you Jesus! I am no longer trying to placate my mother as I have been my entire life I realize by throwing my body parts to her like meat to a two headed dog to keep her from tearing me apart completely.
My spirituality has changed for the better and I see a loving God who cares for me, rather than the vengence prone nasty old man who is just looking for a chance to Zap me for not pleasing my mother. My relationship with my son C has never been better, and my two sons D and C are closer than ever, and they refer to the P-son as their EX-brother.
I have so many things to be thankful for, both spiritual and material and I am doing my best to be grateful for all that God has given me and all that He has done for me. Thank you all so much too, for being here when I needed you. I guess this is going to be a difficult few days. (sniff) I was fortunate though to have 40 wonderful years of friendship with my H and 20 wonderful years of an exciting and fun marriage. He made me laugh so much. Peace
Oh yes Free. We have the same story.
From opposite ends of the earth, we have the same story.
It proves to me that this is not a coincidence.
This is not bad relationship dynamics. This is a known and recognized pattern of behavior that is designed for one thing – to control.
This little story might make you shake your head at the absurdity of what they do.
Remember he made you feel overweight? Mine did too – and guess what? I AM A FITNESS INSTRUCTOR.
I make my living by exercising. I teach others how to lose weight. I teach some of the hardest classes – including spinning (stationary bicycles) around. We burn at least 1100 calories in 45 minutes.
And one night in a posh restaurant at the bar, we met with friends. The woman took my class and commented about how much she enjoyed it, and how difficult it was.
He interrupted her and said, well, if Lilygirl is an example of the instructors there, it can’t be a very good gym.
So Free, it is all in what they wanted us to believe. They purposely learned all they could about us to turn and use it against us.
When you met him, did you think that you went through all of your horrible past just so it could bring you to him? That he was your ‘reward’ for having such a difficult life?
That is what I thought. I thought I went through the horror of having my husband of 10 years walk out on me for another woman when my son was 3 months old just because God wanted me to be with this man.
I was so proud. I was like ‘hey, screw you ex husband, look at how great I made out. I have this rich man who loves me and he loves my son and he will be the man for us that you never were.’
I was so full of hubris. I honestly thought it was Karma at work. (As long as I believed in Karma though, I couldn’t escape. A belief in Karma got me into this, and a belief in Karma kept me from escaping).
I have learned a huge lesson, not to believe in Karma, or in God’s rewards or punishments. Life is just life for me now. Bad things happen to good people. Husbands walk out on wives and babies.
There is an old saying, “If you see a blind man, kick him. Why should you be kinder than God?”
God didn’t lead me to this creep to make up for what my husband did to me. He didn’t lead me to this creep to punish me either.
But for a long time I believed in that. That God brought us together, and God was rewarding me for my past suffering with this man who promised me love, a happy life and comfort.
My son too, loved him. My son knew no other man. This creep brought a HUGE family to us, as he is one of six children. Kids everywhere. My son had a family. I was SO happy.
There was also a chance I would have another baby and my son would have a real brother or a sister. It was the dream I couldn’t let go.
I turned 45 in March. He kept dangling that dream on a stick until now that it is too late. I will never be able to have another baby. He withheld that to hurt me.
Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened to me. But I wanted another baby and I am so sad that it won’t happen for me.
But in the beginning, I would often think, how did I get so lucky? Here is this perfect man with his perfect life and family and he is sharing it with me?
A divorced single mother with really nothing to offer him but love.
How could a perfect man like him who could have any woman he wanted, be with me?
As I look back on the times he was most brutal, I see a pattern:
He would offer me something, and then when I took it, he resented it. He would seethe with resentment.
He would invite me somewhere and then turn angrily to me and ask, “Why are you always here?”
He would give me a gift and get mad if I used it, or if I didn’t use it. Often to the point where he would ask for it back.
He would offer me something wonderful and get angry that I enjoyed it, and rip it away.
Once he actually told me that he couldn’t have me on his family’s property because he knew if I got hurt there I would sue them.
This guy was the guy who said he loved me most in the world. Who promised to change, who cried at my feet when I would leave him.
He asked me to marry him and then said because I didn’t answer in time, the offer was revoked.
All the while, if I would object to any of this abuse, I WAS HURTING HIM.
Then the whole time, he was the one who remained generous, and I was the sue-happy, greedy bitch who didn’t appreciate any of it.
My agony wasn’t real to him. He said my despair was just my manipulation of him to get what I wanted.
Poor him.
I asked him once, if I am such a manipulator, if I am so cunning and cutthroat and greedy, why am I the one sitting here with my eyes swollen and feeling suicidal while he is golfing at his country club?
When he has no answer, he runs away. Then he rewards himself with a new $20,000 BMW motorcycle.
If he really was a bad guy, he wouldn’t have a new motorcycle, right?
Then, when he knows I am crying and suicidal at home, he makes sure he takes it for a spin in front of my house.
That part in the gaslighting post about how they get their friends and family to support them in their abuse of us really hit home with me:
“Eventually a Gaslighting abuser wins the ultimate war, the final argument, when she begins to collapse mentally and emotionally.
The worst Gaslighting abusers will then mock her, humiliate her by sharing her “wrongdoings” (of searching for a solution) with their mutual friends, hoping to get a response of “I wouldn’t listen to all that nagging, Man,” from them.
Perhaps it better eases his conscious to have others tell him it is all her, or that she’s just a bitch, or just a nag. Hell, she’s not worth the effort it takes him to keep on living with her! ”
That part was me. It sounds like it was you too. Our abusers then get soothing support for what they do.
The movie Gaslight really makes this point and I probably should watch it again. It is difficult to watch someone driven mad though, but it is important to see how it is done and how ruthlessly.
At the end, I sent him an email – finally standing up for myself and saying the things I had been thinking for SO long. I was afraid of his retaliation – I knew if I sent it, he would ensure I got hurt.
But I had to send it. No reply of course. It was the last thing I ever said to him.
___________
i am sick to think you have done this to me and enjoyed it, but it is what i truly believe.
you are addicted for sure – to hurting me.
that is certain. you did it again today.
but hey creep, no rush, take your time and ‘figure this out,’ so you can keep delaying what you should do – change your behavior towards me and keep your promises and heal what you have done to me.
but hey, i am just sitting here in tortured agony, no problem.
just keep concentrating on yourself – keep thinking of yourself, your feelings, your needs, your insanity. focus on yourself – that’s where you should be looking right? whistle while you do it, it will keep you from looking over at me and the damage you’ve done.
meanwhile, my heart is bleeding out of my chest. but hey, don’t let me interfere with your self-absorption.
snap my heart like a twig, i am nothing. make me feel like the world is better off without me so you can have power over me. abusing me is nothing, so i am nothing.
i am just supposed to pretend you didn’t do this to me and tell you i love you that you aren’t that bad of a guy – isn’t that what you said i should have done?
instead i crazily told you i was angry – what the hell is wrong with me that i would honestly think you’d care and accept my anger as justified and respond in a way to heal what you have done?? I AM CRAZY!
oh, yea, i was supposed to pretend you didn’t abuse me. i forgot.
i am supposed to know all of these promises are really lies and manipulations and you never ever really mean them, but i am supposed to pretend you mean them, so you can abuse me and stay a good guy!
got it. i forgot. so sorry.
we need to play pretend and if i don’t – you bring in the next game – Keep Away from Lily! and if we don’t play your way you take your toys and go home after punching me. got it. i forgot how two-year-olds play. it’s been a while.
this relationship has been about two things : your power and control over me. that’s all, you are right, you never loved me at all.
it was about power and control. did you have a good time? i mean, look at how successful you’ve been!
i feel like i have been gang raped. (not that you actually care how i feel….)
you say –
hey guys, use lily, laugh at her, don’t treat her like a human being with feelings, exclude her and when she complains, punch her. make up some degrading nicknames for her while you are at it.
tell her she is ugly and out of shape and complain about her tits – oh, and old – don’t forget to tell her she is OLD. then watch her disintegrate. it happens every time!
promise you’ll love her, but never treat her like you do – brainwash her and treat her like the opposite: abuse = love.
tell her that if she behaves like a good girl, she’ll get the prize – your love! then tell her she never behaves good enough – don’t forget that part, it is double damage.
when she gets frustrated, blame it on her – that she is unlovable – that no one on earth wants to be with her – force her to be alone on holidays – it really sinks in deep then!
promise to take her places and then get angry because she actually expects to go!
tell her she ruins it for you by just wanting to go! just the IDEA of her going is disgusting ( make sure she knows that.)
keep asking her to marry you – you know that’s what she has always wanted, so use NOT giving it to her as the coolest way to hurt her.
it is such a trip to see her crumble over and over again. ‘can’t believe she still falls for it! what a dumb bitch.
use her, have fun and don’t worry about her feelings. she knows what kind of person you are, it’s her fault for trusting you.
have a free-for-all on lily, she is nothing, she has no feelings, she doesn’t matter. she doesn’t exist.
she is here for all of us to abuse and use and we will laugh at her when she cries. what fun!!
then dump her off in the gutter when she becomes too much of a drag and isn’t any fun anymore…
so in the end, you are right, creep there was never ever love involved from you, except for the love that you have for yourself and your addiction to me having to worship you constantly so you never have to truly face the kind of person you are.
my existence in this relationship was for one thing: to reflect back on you all the wonderful qualities you don’t really have.
so here you go – “you really are an awesome boyfriend. thanks so much for all you’ve done for me… (is that good enough?you want more?)….i am so lucky that i got to hang out with you…
you can gang rape me whenever you want because i exist only to make you happy….
so don’t worry, i’ll always be here for you, invite your friends and family to join in on the fun!
you really aren’t that bad of a guy….
it’s all my fault for believing in you, and trusting that you loved me and wanted to see me happy in life, succeeding and feeling good about myself.
how dare i think that i would be important to you – the all-powerful creep?
what was i thinking??? i am just a stupid piece of shit and i always will be a stupid piece of shit. i am so sorry for hurting you by actually thinking i would ever be anything else.”