by AlohaTraveler
Today, July 3, is a significant day for me. On this day, three years ago, I left the Bad Man. Let’s take stock of that moment in time:
- Total cash = $700
- Debt = at least $16,000
- Job = None
- Place to live, bed to sleep in, a clue = No
- Plan = None
- Me = A total wreck.
Between May of 2005, when I moved in with the Bad Man, and May of 2007, I have moved 10 times. This includes one move back to the islands in September 2005 and then back to California again on November 29, 2005. My car has 7,200 nautical miles on it and it shows. It looks like it’s eating itself. Cars aren’t meant to go to sea and mine crossed the ocean three times between July 3, 2005 and November 29, 2005.
Below is the Reader’s Digest version of my trials and tribulations.
Movin’ movin’ movin’
- Moved in with the Bad Man for one last hurrah after having been apart for 4.5 months. What was I thinking?!
- The great escape: Moved out from Bad Man while he was at work.
- Moved from one friend to another.
- Moved back the the islands.
- Moved out of the hotel and into a condo.
- Moved back to California again.
- Moved in with my employer as a live-in nanny.
- Moved in with friends who took care of me for four months because I was a WRECK.
- Moved in with another friend after four months of rest, armed with a new plan. Finally.
- Moved in with my dear friends, Eric and Jen. This is where I live now and have been living for over a year.
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Between July 3, 2005 and May 2007, I landed and lost six jobs all for various reasons.
- North Shore Resort: Resigned and left Hawaii for a second time. Finally, a good choice.
- Internet start up: Business went under
- “Wellness” company: Fired by a narcissist
(Noticed right away that the boss reminded me of the Bad Man. Shortly before she gave me the ax, I was told that it was suspect that she had narcissistic personality disorder. Upon hearing this, I had a massive anxiety attack.) - Internet company: Not the right fit
- Live-in nanny: Not the right fit again
- County job: Contract ran out.
Where I am today
I have a place to call home and have been there for over a year now. Shortly after I moved in, my friends gave me an old dresser. It’s big and heavy and feels like an anchor, a welcome anchor. I unpacked my suitcases for the first time in nearly two years. That night, as I lay in bed, I stared at my “new” dresser and I cried. Since I have been here, life has finally started to stabilize for me.
My symptoms of PTSD have subsided. Occasionally, I have a strange choking, coughing sensation in my throat when I have a distressing thoughts but I don’t have anxiety attacks like I did before. I smile more. I laugh more. I sleep better. I don’t think about the Bad Man and worry if he really was the one and if it really was me that messed it all up. I fully embrace and accept that he is a pathological, not fixable, person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I have two jobs now. I have been at the first one since November of last year. I have been at the second one since March of this year. They are both in the area of social services and are an extension of the county contract I did last year. I have applied for grad school for an MSW and I am waiting to hear if I have been accepted.
I have paid off over $11,000 of that original Maui debt. Keep in mind that since I have been home, I have been unemployed off and on for at least 10 months and have worked for long periods of time for just $10 an hour.
I have started to date. At times, it feels like stepping out on thin ice, but I am doing it. I have started to rejoin the activities I loved in the past, such as sailing and baking and LAUGHING!
The road leads to you
I believe we will recover at the rate equivalent to the degree that we are committed to telling ourselves the truth. Now that you are here at Lovefraud, the truth is available to you and right under your nose. Will you accept it? It’s up to you.
Whatever it is you have lost, you will eventually get one thing back if you keep trying. Life might not ever look like it did before you crossed paths with a pathological partner but if you are open, it can look better. And at the end of the road, you will find YOU, and… another road… and maybe an old dresser.
Sitting in my “Big Girl Panties” today
- Debts = under control.
- Jobs = more than one
- A safe place to live, warm bed, and a plan for my life = check!
- Me = a whole lot wiser and not a juicy pick anymore for a Bad Man.
Wow
Kitty YOU are Free from (it) that is a priceless treasure!
LOVE jere
Kitycat, the void is an uncertain place to be. But just ride with it. I have beeen there many times. You have to be brave and have faith in the unknowingness – and that is brave – but that is when you get your best thoughts.
This article is priceless – and a testament to the fact that recovery is, most certainly, possible. I LOVE the statement, “I believe we will recover at the rate equivalent to the degree that we are committed to telling ourselves the truth.”
This statement is so spot-on that it needs to be etched in crystal, somewhere. “…we are committed to telling ourselves the truth.” I have to remind myself of the truth, sometimes frequently. I don’t have to LIKE the truth, but I am most certainly willing and committed to accepting it, even if it takes some time to get to that point.
AlohaTraveler, thank you for this absolutely insightful article.
Brightest blessings
Dear Truthspeak,
I just saw your comment from months ago. I was cruising down memory lane, thinking about the past in light of the present. Telling myself the truth about the Bad Man was key to my recovery,
It has now been 8 years since I left the BM? I have since completed Grad School. I won two awards for my community project aka “Relationship Check-Up” which was a program to educate college students about the warning signs of dating abuse. I was doing this at the same time as Donna was doing her LoveFraud presentations to high schools. My presentation is no where near hers but it was still thrilling to me to be doing it. I will be starting a paid internship next week in an underprivileged high school where I will be running groups to process trauma and I will get to bring my dating abuse presentation back to life. Thrilling!
So yes, there is recovery available to us. I have grow so much since my Bad Man experience.. I still have that strange choking thing I described in the article. My throat tightens and sends me into coughing spasms any time I have a thought that produces anxiety. And I haven’t been successful at dating. I have been doing crochet instead. LOL!
Anyway, thank you for the comment. I am always so happy if my words and stories are helpful to others.
Peace to all LoveFraud readers.
Sincerely,
Alohatraveler, MSW (hey I earned it and I’m proud of it!)
Wooo hoooo Alohatraveler!!!! Welcome to the MSW club!!
You will have empathy and experience to share!!
My experience is that once the anxiety the way you describe it starts, it never really goes away. You can however learn to manage it much better, and it ends up being a sign that you need to pay attention to whatever is causing it.
My sincere wish for you is that you find a kind loving compatible traveler for your life journey!!!!
Maybe you could share more with LF readers about your “Relationship Check Up” ?? How does it differ from what Donna does?
Kudos to you!!!
Alohatraveler – Congratulations on the MSW! That’s terrific. You are one of the original members of the Lovefraud community, and it’s so great to know how you’ve recovered, moved forward, and are using your experience to help others! Fantastic!
Best wishes and keep us posted!
Thanks Donna! I might do an article about Relationship Check-Up. That would be fun. I am working toward my license now. That will be a celebration when I get the LCSW.
What I have learned from my own experience and from the the experiences of others shared here at LoveFraud has helped me so much working in the field. I see manipulation and exploitation when others don’t. I have been the first one to “know” more than once and I can certainly spot personality disorders from 1 miles away.
And LoveFraud has been a fabulous forum for learning. I have referred people to it many times. Some took the advice and some didn’t. When they are ready to learn, LoveFraud will be here for them.
Aloha
Aloha – it’s amazing how once you know the warning signs, sociopaths are easy to spot. Yes, please contribute your article!
This is my first time commenting although I have been absorbing everything from LoveFraud for the last 5 months. May 25th was the 3 year anniversary of the day I kicked my spath out for good. We were married for 8 years and what a roller coaster ride it has been. LoveFraud literally saved my life and I am eternally grateful for Donna and everyone who posts on here. In the last 3 years, in addition to the divorce being finalized, I lost both of my parents in less than a year, my son was deployed to Afghanistan and my dog, who was my buddy during some of the worst of times, was violently killed. My spath, as is their mo, moved me away from my family to another state. During my marriage to him I lost my family, including all 5 of my children, my friends and my professional career. This evening I am sitting in a McDonald’s on my laptop trying to hold myself together ……again. Because of the abuse I suffered, I have all but lost my health which has made it next to impossible to work. I am on the verge of losing what little I have left and I am at a loss. Doctors have all but given up on trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I now believe, because of the information gleaned through LoveFraud, that I am suffering from PTSD. I have been fighting to survive but I am now at a total loss.
Dear TotallyLost,
You are not totally lost but I do understand that feeling and I would venture to say that so do so many here. The good news is that you have found a community that understands your confusion and pain. I spent many sleepless nights trying to sort out what I went through with the Bad Man. I did get it worked out and from this point in my life I am grateful for the lessons. I know that is a hard pill to swallow and you may not be feeling grateful at this time. That is OK. The beauty of this healing community is that there are people in all stages of recovery here. There are people ahead of you lighting the path. And there are people behind you just hoping to reach the point of recovery where you are … to get to the place where they can leave their abuser/exploiter for good. Perhaps you are further along than you realize. The healing thing for me has been to use my experiences to help others. But I can remember a time when I wasn’t even there yet. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you. All I can say is you will get there. My heart goes out to you. I remember those days when I felt so lost. You will get through this.
Aloha
Beautiful! 🙂
Dear totallylost,
I’m so sorry for all of your horrendous losses. I hope that you can draw strength from the stories of other survivors here and that you will find the will to recover from all of the trauma. These monsters really set out to destroy lives. It pains me to hear about all the suffering they cause.
Thank you Stargazer. I have come so far since discovering LoveFraud. Reading posts by others who seem to have been married to my ex-spath also (lol) has been validation that I’m not crazy at least. Although there are many days I wonder just how much of my mental capacity I have left.
Totally Lost,
I have several other articles here. If you would like I could try to dig them up. I went through a phase where I sat in a coffee shop in Santa Cruz CA and wrote for what seemed like a few weeks. This was incredibly healing for me. I use humor and that Aloha honesty some may know me for. (Sorry for the bad grammar Donna). Writing helped me process my pain and helped me to look honestly at myself and what I needed to learn from all of this.
For some reason, your post really touched me. I know that someone else is reading your post and relating to that feeling of total loss. In that connection, there is a spark of healing. So I would like to challenge that if there is another silent reader who really felt it when you read those words, make a connection to this reader.
And for fun, I will post my first article below… And be sure to note the date. :0). It’s been 8 years for me. So great to say that!
Aloha
Once upon a time, I would do anything for love, but not anymore.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2007/10/16/letters-to-lovefraud-once-upon-a-time-i-would-do-anything-for-love-but-not-anymore/
:O)
Aloha
Aloha,
I figured out years ago that he was a sociopath, but I only had a surface understanding of what that really meant. It was actually a contractor that was doing the remodel on our house that suggested that I read “The Sociopath Next Door”. But it wasn’t until I found LoveFraud did I get that definite “ahaaa” moment when I was to say enlightened and my eyes were opened to just how sick he was. That’s when I began to really put all of the puzzle pieces together. I have come an extremely long way. I actually attempted suicide at one point a little over 2 years ago and thankfully I was unsuccessful. I have had NC with him for about a year now with one exception when he contacted me about the tag for my car (which is in the name of his company and he’s using to try and hurt me…I’m driving a car with an expired tag). I decided to send a friend to meet him to pick up the tag because I didn’t want to see him because I had learned that every time I did, I would spiral down into a deep depression for sometimes week and I didn’t want to chance that trigger. She had never met him and I think she thought I must have been exaggerating in the stories I had told her about him. However, when she walked up to him and introduced herself, he flipped out. He was furious that I didn’t meet with him. She said he had a stack of papers in front of him so I figure he had a hidden agenda, which he always did and I ruined his plans. When she came home she was wide eyed and amazed. She said he was the most evil person she had ever been in contact with. I get it, I really do. I completely understand. The thing I’m having an issue with now is picking up the pieces and moving forward. I, like so many I have read about on the site, was always outgoing, type A personality, very social, always laughing and seeing the positive in life. Yes there were ups and downs, but I was happy most of the time. But now, every day is a struggle, even with the knowledge and validation I have. I go out to make my calls, and I find myself sitting in my car in a parking lot, having anxiety attacks and unable to get out of the car, much less call on clients. I have been unable to work since February because my health has declined so much. It’s something new just about every week. Every time I get through one bout of illness, something else strange pops up. I have lost my drive, my enthusiasm and my will to push forward. I have depleted every cent I have. I am frozen with fear. At my age I should be getting ready to retire and should be able to enjoy my granddaughter. Everything is so uncertain now. I have to start completely over, and I don’t know right now what that looks like. I don’t mean to whine. All I know to do right now is keep coming back hear and reading and reading and putting one foot in front of the other. I am so thankful for LoveFraud and people like you. You are an inspiration Aloha.
Hi Totallylost,
I hope one day you will change your handle to “hetotallylost” or “Totallygotit.”
LoveFraud was a critical piece to my understanding of what exploitative people are like and all about. LF helped me by leaps and bounds.
I had to rebuild my life too. It was a struggle for sure. I am grateful that I was able to do it but it was not without the sponsorship of some dear friends that took me in. This allowed me to begin building forward traction in my life. And they made me feel loved and safe. There are very few people that are able to listen and not judge.
Until one had experienced first hand the manipulation of a disordered person, they simply can not understand.
If you haven’t already, seek some community counseling. There is always very low cost counseling available from professionals working toward their license. Or use LF as your therapy circle. It’s free and there is nearly always someone listening. Being understood it also critical to letting this experience fade into the past. It’s a long road but worth traveling. I am very thankful as well that you were not successful at suicide. Someone will benefit from hearing your story. If you can bear it, maybe you can write an article and share a little piece of your journey. I never shared my whole story. It was too much, too confusing and I got confused just trying to tell it. So, I chose bits and pieces that hopefully brought clarity to some about their own experiences.
The narrative can help you process your pain and light the way for someone else too. Give it a shot.
I wrote like crazy for about 2 weeks several years ago. I still have tons of unfinished articles. The writing was going all over the place in a big mess. I felt like I was wrestling a dragon trying to get it all out. I know that it helped me though.
Anyway, there is a new life waiting for you. It will surely be different than what you imagined before but just be thankful also for what it isn’t, anymore. :O) And take time to enjoy every little bit of joy, beauty and McDonald’s Sundae.
And thanks for sharing with me.
Aloha…. I will try to check back on you if I can. I am juggling two jobs right now… working toward my license. :O)