by AlohaTraveler
Today, July 3, is a significant day for me. On this day, three years ago, I left the Bad Man. Let’s take stock of that moment in time:
- Total cash = $700
- Debt = at least $16,000
- Job = None
- Place to live, bed to sleep in, a clue = No
- Plan = None
- Me = A total wreck.
Between May of 2005, when I moved in with the Bad Man, and May of 2007, I have moved 10 times. This includes one move back to the islands in September 2005 and then back to California again on November 29, 2005. My car has 7,200 nautical miles on it and it shows. It looks like it’s eating itself. Cars aren’t meant to go to sea and mine crossed the ocean three times between July 3, 2005 and November 29, 2005.
Below is the Reader’s Digest version of my trials and tribulations.
Movin’ movin’ movin’
- Moved in with the Bad Man for one last hurrah after having been apart for 4.5 months. What was I thinking?!
- The great escape: Moved out from Bad Man while he was at work.
- Moved from one friend to another.
- Moved back the the islands.
- Moved out of the hotel and into a condo.
- Moved back to California again.
- Moved in with my employer as a live-in nanny.
- Moved in with friends who took care of me for four months because I was a WRECK.
- Moved in with another friend after four months of rest, armed with a new plan. Finally.
- Moved in with my dear friends, Eric and Jen. This is where I live now and have been living for over a year.
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Between July 3, 2005 and May 2007, I landed and lost six jobs all for various reasons.
- North Shore Resort: Resigned and left Hawaii for a second time. Finally, a good choice.
- Internet start up: Business went under
- “Wellness” company: Fired by a narcissist
(Noticed right away that the boss reminded me of the Bad Man. Shortly before she gave me the ax, I was told that it was suspect that she had narcissistic personality disorder. Upon hearing this, I had a massive anxiety attack.) - Internet company: Not the right fit
- Live-in nanny: Not the right fit again
- County job: Contract ran out.
Where I am today
I have a place to call home and have been there for over a year now. Shortly after I moved in, my friends gave me an old dresser. It’s big and heavy and feels like an anchor, a welcome anchor. I unpacked my suitcases for the first time in nearly two years. That night, as I lay in bed, I stared at my “new” dresser and I cried. Since I have been here, life has finally started to stabilize for me.
My symptoms of PTSD have subsided. Occasionally, I have a strange choking, coughing sensation in my throat when I have a distressing thoughts but I don’t have anxiety attacks like I did before. I smile more. I laugh more. I sleep better. I don’t think about the Bad Man and worry if he really was the one and if it really was me that messed it all up. I fully embrace and accept that he is a pathological, not fixable, person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I have two jobs now. I have been at the first one since November of last year. I have been at the second one since March of this year. They are both in the area of social services and are an extension of the county contract I did last year. I have applied for grad school for an MSW and I am waiting to hear if I have been accepted.
I have paid off over $11,000 of that original Maui debt. Keep in mind that since I have been home, I have been unemployed off and on for at least 10 months and have worked for long periods of time for just $10 an hour.
I have started to date. At times, it feels like stepping out on thin ice, but I am doing it. I have started to rejoin the activities I loved in the past, such as sailing and baking and LAUGHING!
The road leads to you
I believe we will recover at the rate equivalent to the degree that we are committed to telling ourselves the truth. Now that you are here at Lovefraud, the truth is available to you and right under your nose. Will you accept it? It’s up to you.
Whatever it is you have lost, you will eventually get one thing back if you keep trying. Life might not ever look like it did before you crossed paths with a pathological partner but if you are open, it can look better. And at the end of the road, you will find YOU, and… another road… and maybe an old dresser.
Sitting in my “Big Girl Panties” today
- Debts = under control.
- Jobs = more than one
- A safe place to live, warm bed, and a plan for my life = check!
- Me = a whole lot wiser and not a juicy pick anymore for a Bad Man.
Totallylost, my heart hurts for you!!! Please remember that for right now all you need to be concerned about is a breath at a time, a day at a time and the next RIGHT thing….things will fall into the place they need to be in for you when you focus on keeping yourself healthy. Please take tender care of yourself. Eat well, go for walks and try to rest when your body says enough.
You will be astonished at the helping hands that reach for you when you most need them. You are still the extraverted happy individual that you were. You have love to give…no one can take that away from you. There were many times in my darkest days when I had to say I may be broker than broke but I am rich in people. Stick to the strong people around you…it does get better!!!!
Totallylost – welcome to Lovefraud. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Know that, as difficult as it is, what you’re experiencing is the transition. You were holding it together for so long, and now you know that whatever you thought your relationship was with the man was a lie. It is normal to feel like every rug has been pulled out from under you.
As others have said, the solution is to be good to yourself, put one foot in front of the other, and keep going. We have many articles here on Lovefraud to help you, and many people who are willing to share an encouraging word.
Donna – I cannot even begin to express what LoveFraud has done for me. I am so grateful for you and the wonderful safe haven you offer for those of us that are victims of these horrible people. Just finding a place where we are understood and not judged. One of the hardest things to deal with is trying to get others to understand exactly what we’ve been through and that we’re not the crazy ones. During my time with my spath, I always felt like I was living one of those dreams that was a horrible nightmare with the bad guy trying to get you, and when you scream no sound comes out. He was definitely Jekyl & Hyde all the time. And as so many others have stated on here, he was an ordained minister, amongst other things. Unfortunately the church was probably the worst. He was president of our Sunday School class, which was attended by mature theologians, such as the Dean and also the President of the seminary as well as multiple professors at the seminary. They all knew exactly what he was and turned a blind eye. The only person who acknowledged the issue was the pastor of the church when I first moved there. It was a year before I reached out to anyone at the church for help. The pastor told me he wished he had been able to talk to me before we married because he knows he is a sociopath. He also asked if I had met his previous wife. I hadn’t and he told me that the stories I shared with him were identical to the stories his previous wife had told him. The pastor was a very kind, brilliant man with a very caring spirit. My ex-husband worked diligently and got him kicked out of the church. It still amazes me how much he gets away with. But I am finished with that, and like you said I’m concentrating on one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other. Today was positive though. I received a formal job offer which I am accepting. It is a temporary, short term assignment, but it will bring some money in and be a great help. The crazy thing is I have gotten 3 offers today! I think I will start with the short term job just to see how I do. Baby steps. However, I am sitting here having a lot of anxiety about getting out of the house and going to work. I know I can do the job and this is so frustrating because I don’t want to be like this. I’ve never been like this. I cannot wait to get to the other side. As they say, the best revenge is a well-lived life and I am so ready to be there.
Totallylost,
Congratulations on your job offer – it can be really helpful to have some routine right now. It’s always good to know you are in control of your life and can take care of yourself, even if you feel like you’re falling apart on the inside.
I don’t know about in your town, but here there are counseling centers that offer sliding scales that go down to practically nothing. Occasionally, you can find a counselor who specializes in trauma. There are a variety of techniques that are especially good for trauma survivors. This specialized work can be very beneficial and more helpful than just talk therapy. I encourage you to seek it out if you have the time and resources. In the meantime, know that what you are going through – the hopelessness and depression – is very normal for someone who has been through what you have been through. If you can find any kind of energy work, this may help you, too, to clear out some of the toxicity out of your body that you took on from the spath. We have people in my town who do free aura cleansings. These people have saved my life over the years. Sounds airy fairy, but it works.
There seems to always be a gift that comes out of devastating loss. Something precious you have that you earned through surviving that you will have to offer others. You may be in a dark night, but your story is not written yet. 🙂 Just because you are retirement age, that doesn’t mean anything. In the realm of spirit, age is completely irrelevant. To have the opportunity to awaken and heal yourself at any age is a great gift.
LOVE the last piece Stargazer!! Well said!!!
Wow totally lost,
I did not know your sociopath was a man of the church. The Bad Man was a “” sort of excommunicated” minister from the Assemblies of God. Maybe is why I felt so Drawn to your post. I remember what it was like to be approached in the community by people who obviously had respect for the Bad Man. Meanwhile he was abusing me in private.
There is an article on LoveFraud called “Sociopaths pretending to be religious.” You might want to look that one up.
One thing that helped me was that I let go of needing all of my friends and family to understand what I went through. Instead I found understanding and acceptance at LoveFraud. A select few people in my personal life were able to understand what I went through without judgment. It is difficult to wrap one’s head around what is a sociopath unless you’ve experienced it yourself.
Sorry about my bad grammar I’m using talk to text. Anyway rest assured that you are understood here.
Congratulations on your job offers. May I suggest that you take the time to compartmentalize your pain and give yourself a small break from it. Go enjoy working. Your pain will wait for you.
Aloha
Hi Totallylost…
Welcome to the Lovefraud site and to the wonderful group of people who share their stories here.
I, too, got caught up with a Bad Man (spath) for about four years. That ended about 1 1/2 years ago. Reading your story, I have been where you are. I’ve been in that state of bewilderment, sadness, anger, loss. I, too, had thoughts of suicide at one point. I simply had no idea what hit me, until I studied and learned….and then things started making sense.
I chose to start over in many ways. Within a few days of finding out he was involved with someone else while we were living together, I moved out. He said he met her once and talked with her a few times and “really liked her”. It made me sick to hear. Turns out he had been in a relationship with her for months (he had not just met her “once”. So, I moved out and then in with my sister and her husband for 3 1/2 months. At about the 3 1/2 month mark, I decided it was time for me to make a decision as to what I wanted to do. After conversations with my family, I elected to move 2000 miles away and start over….new job, new place to live, new people to meet…the whole thing. Without a doubt, this was the best thing for me. Like you, I’ve always had an outgoing, type A, personality, and I wanted that back. During my struggles, some of my sisters said to me that they miss the vivacious, energetic me. I was somewhat stunned to hear that because I didn’t even see the changes in me when I was involved with the spath.
And like you, I’m closer to retirement than not. So trust me when I say you can do this. I started to heal and became healthier emotionally and even physically. I’ve always been involved in fitness, but the ending of that relationship was so horrendous I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even focus. So I wrote, talked, cried and lived through the pain. But as time went by, I could feel myself getting better and stronger. Believe me, it’s not easy and there are many emotional highs and lows as you heal, but you can do this.
Congratulations on your job offers! Take one day at a time, sometimes a moment at a time. We’re here to help. Keep writing and keep sharing…
carolann
I feel so blessed to have this outlet to share and be loved. It is so comforting to hear everyone’s stories and how similar we all are. I have thought a lot about moving to a different part of the country. I think it would definitely help. I see him in passing all the time and have to drive by the area our house is in as well. Everything I see here triggers me, especially if I drive by him. It’s amazing to me how just seeing him drive by can send me on a downward spiral that can last days or even weeks. I hate it. I have been NC for about 9 months now. I also began deleting anything that had to do with him or anything connected to him as well as any of his enablers. Which meant disconnecting from everyone at the church we attended together, as well as his daughters and friends. That was tough, deleting pictures and throwing memories away, but I had to let go completely in order to heal. I am so ready to get things back under control and move forward. I feel like I am just rambling on here sometimes but this is the first time I’ve been able to talk with anyone who really understands. Thank you everyone for your patience. The one thing I’ve always said is that since God did not choose to take me when I attempted suicide, then I want to be able to use what has happened to help others. I am trying to learn and grow through all of this. Please say a prayer for me as I start my new job. I am having a lot of anxiety and fear. It’s hard for me to deal with it because I have never been affected like this. Normally I would “take the bull by the horns” and go at it 200%, but not anymore.
Totallylost…
You bet I’ll include you in my prayers. You said you normally would “take the bull by the horns” and go at it 200%….well if you did it before, you CAN do it again.
These spaths that do this to us are only out for themselves. Until I studied and learned, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into or exactly what happened. I just didn’t get it at first, but I do now. My move helped me get away from him and the home that was originally mine. I sold my home to him, but it all stemmed from manipulation on his part…and I fell for it all.
For me, moving away allowed me to regroup and refocus. The pain was still there for quite some time, but lessoned as I got stronger and wiser. We all heal in our own timeframe, so be kind to yourself. It sounds like you’re taking steps to move forward….allow yourself that time. Allow yourself to move through this pain….trust me, you will come out on the other side a much stronger woman!
As difficult as it is to understand sometimes, you are where you are meant to be at this point in time. There’s a plan for all of us.
Stay strong my friend…
carolann
Hi Totallylost”
I’m not sure if I can add anything here that hasn’t been said by all these caring and brave survivors, I just want you to know that many of us can relate to what you are going through, and promise you that it will get better. You have already done the most difficult part, and the triggers are so common for survivors and sufferers of PTSD. You will work through them and they will go away.
Congratulations on your new job, that is exciting, but I can also relate to the anxiety. I think that the anticipation of starting is probably what the anxiety is coming from, chances are once you begin you will be feeling so much better, and like carolann said, take one day at a time.
Your story helps us heal, too, and I think you will touch many lives through your strength.
Quinn
Dear Totallylost-
I’m so happy to hear that you have a new job. It’s a wonderful distraction from the pain you feel. Having a steady income can help to ameliorate the awful depression you’ve experienced. It’s one less hardship to deal with.
I’ve read the posts that advised you to seek counseling at a low cost, and I want to point out to you that many large hospitals have mental health clinics. They will enable you to enroll for low cost or free services that even include medication, should you need it. Most will provide you with a specific practitioner so you will not feel bounced around. You will have professional help and support.
Writing down your story will give you clarity and help you move on. It will help you stop ruminating over your pain. Part of what sufferers do is cling to their memories. It’s a means to provide ourselves with validation. Unfortunately, it also gets in the way of recovery. Sometimes, writing it down gives us the ability to know we don’t need to keep the hurt ever present in our mind. We can store it in our bureau drawer and get back to it as we chose. The process of writing it down also provides clarity and enables us to keep focused on what is real.
Another plan is to limit the amount of time during each day that you will allow yourself to consider what gives you sorrow. Initially, the length of that time is less important than mastering the ability to control your thoughts. In addition, you need to add a specific length of time that you will do a specific thing that creates happiness for you. Keep in mind that betrayal has left a void of oxytocin for you, a neurotransmitter that makes you feel good and loved. Make sure you do at least one thing each day to make yourself feel good…. paint your nails, go for a brisk walk or run, help out at a soup kitchen, volunteer to help at a remedial reading program at a school. You don’t have to spend money to give yourself a sense of self worth that will carry you out of your depression.
You are not only suffering from an emotional withdrawal, but also from a withdrawal of brain chemistry that produced good feelings when you were in his presence. It is that chemical attachment to him that triggers you when you’re in his proximity. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay completely away from him or reminders of him.
Wishing you a speedy recovery-
JmS
Totallylost,
I wanted to welcome you personally,as this is actually the first time I’ve read this thread since you’ve posted.I’ve had anxiety attacks so bad that I almost lost my breath…and had a big meltdown in a grocery store!So believe me,I can understand what you’re going through!These guys mess us up so bad that we need help to find ourselves again!!! I finally had to admit that I needed to make a dr appt and get a script for an anti-depressant.
Since I’ve taken Cymbalta in the past for Fibro pain,that’s what she prescribed.Some may be able to take the med for just a short period of time,but I was married for nearly 3 decades,and can’t miss more than 1 dose!
But along with medication,I really recommend counseling.I got mine from the local Domestic Violence shelter.I wasn’t physically battered,but they also offer counseling for victims of emotional and psychological abuse.The service was free.
~~~Your Healing Matters!~~~
Thanks so much to everyone for all of the wonderful advise and encouragement. I have actually been trying to find somewhere to get counseling once again but so far have run into a lot of dead ends. I intend to keep looking because I know at this time I really need it. And yes Blossom, I too have given in and realized I really need to get to a doctor to get an anti-depressant. I think I am so depleted that my brain is just unable to function effectively or efficiently, not to mention being constantly ill and barely able to walk. It has taken a long time, but once I read about the lack of proper chemicals to function, it all made sense. Just having that knowledge was a huge relief and understanding that I was suffering from PTSD. I’M NOT CRAZY….HURRAY! Hopefully I can address all of this within the next week now that I will have an income once again.
Blossom
I developed fibromyalgia in the midst of my divorce and being involved with the sociopath at the same time. I had been married for 21 years and the emotional abuse started slowly and got progressively worse. Chronic stress plays a big factor in developing fibromyalgia especially if you are predisposed to the condition. I think the body gets to a point where it can’t cope with the stress anymore and physical things happen. Unfortunately fibromyalgia doesn’t go away. If I could go back to when I first met the sociopath and had walked away I firmly believe I wouldn’t have developed the fibro. Permanent physical ailments are another BIG reason for people to learn about “common” sociopaths so they/we can avoid them.