Going forward, while looking back

March 2004 he approached me in a local bar, , he was trying to hard he was just a little to persistent, he told me he just moved here from Portland OR, normally if a man gives me his number at a bar it ends up in the trash by the end of the night, but he was insistent I program it in my cell phone and he watched as I did making sure programmed it and had his name, I remember thinking to myself please just go away, but I smiled and was polite, the conversation was short and he left the bar telling me to call him, I was thinking yeah ok buddy, have a good night honestly I never once called a man who gave me his number at a bar, and I was not about to start, I remember it was Good Friday I was very recently divorced, I was not feeling vulnerable, I was looking forward to starting over, I was 29 years old. Two days later on Easter I was not feeling so empowered my children were with my ex husband it was the first holiday I spent alone since my divorced, I was lonely, then I remembered that guy from the bar he said he just moved here I bet he has no family here, and is feeling lonely as well, I figured why not call him what could it hurt, I called him and my life is forever changed.
We hit it off and things moved along really fast before I knew it he was living with me, it was only a month after I meet him, and things were not adding up with him, I had a funny feeling, so I ended it and he left.
A few weeks passed and he never called me, and to this day I don’t know why it bothered me, but it did, again I don’t know why but I called him, and before I knew it he was living with me, he said he was going to be moving away to MS in a month or so to be near his Father, so even though my instinct told me something was wrong get away from this man, I figured he is moving soon, so just ride it out and end things on a positive note, in the mean time I was slowly falling in love with him, as the time approached for him to leave, I was feeling sad and lonely, knowing he would be moving away forever in just a few days. That was his time to strike making my worse nightmare come true, I came home and he was gone, I was asking myself why would he do this when he is leaving in a few days, he would not take my calls, completely ignore me, and then I find out there is another woman, I was crushed, why, how, just like that he walked away with no explanation, in such a cruel and hurtful manor, I was left feeling that I would never see him again, I felt so helpless, then he would call, and ask to see me, I so relieved, hurt, and angry, but relieved, because I thought I would never get closure, or answers if he just left, he would say he is sorry, and he suggested how about I stay another month, to make things right, I was so caught in the moment I forgot what he just did to me, and was happy because the helplessness, and hurt was gone. It all happened so fast I did not realize what happened, I somehow forgot about the intentional pain, and hurt. And focused on making things good because he was about to leave forever, this became a pattern he did this to me three or four times in the course of a year, I still don’t know exactly how he was able to do it, but he made me very insecure thinking, I could come home one day and he would just be gone, I began to feel I needed him, I now realize he knew exactly what he was doing he found my weakness, and he proceeded to “break me down” it was as if he were trained on how to do this, he cheated on me, he did not work, yet I felt I needed him, I was always a very independent woman, and had never had an abusive relationship before this, my friends and family saw what was going on, so I began to lie, deny we were together I would say I ended it, thinking in my mind I could pull off the lie to my friends and family, after all he was moving soon so I would not have to live this lie long, looking back I think I really wanted him to move, because I saw the toll it was taking on me living a lie, always full of anxiety, trying to not have anyone know he was living with me, even my children thought he was gone and we lived together, it was a constant juggle him out the back door, as I entered the front with my kids, I was so stressed out, but he was moving soon, and I was in love with him, I had such a fear of him just leaving me when all I wanted was to end it on a positive note, and having closure.
This went on for over a year, then I sold some investment property this was to be a second chance at life, I was going to buy a house, it was not a huge amount of money 50 Thousand but enough to get ahead, his attitude changed he was so sweet, and played me like a violin, telling me exactly what I needed to hear, it happened so fast only 4 months, and I was broke. Imagine coming down from the high of having money (I never had money before to just shopping or do what I wanted) to being broke, realizing I blew this chance to buy a home, I was depressed, he was cold did not care a bit, my estimate is he probably ended up with over half the money threw sweet talking, loans, shopping etc. he did not care what so ever that I wasted my second chance at life.
It was October 28 2005 the very week the last dime was spent, we rented a movie, then I went to bed he said he be up soon, when I woke up, the nightmare began, he was gone all his things gone he packed up and left while I was sleeping never saying good bye, all that time when he was breaking me down, making me feel that he would do just that leave , with no closure, no explanation, just gone. At that moment I realized I was scammed, I screamed at the top of my lungs, breaking things, I remember driving down the road just screaming, and crying I feel so out of control. My heart ripped out my chest, I loved him, I wanted to die, and all the lies I had told to family and friends, saying he was gone, we were no longer together, I continued to play it off, even though my heart was broke, I questioned everything, even myself how could I let this happen, I was so deeply depressed, yet tried not to let anyone know, what happened, because I would look like such a fool, not to mention I was living a lie, all that time to family and friends how could I come clean now, so I suffered the most horrible pain I ever felt, and I suffered it alone, nobody to talk to about it.
He was long gone, I was angry hurt, in disbelief, he was so cruel he went out his way to make it clear that he never cared, he never loved me, and as he said “I was just his 2 dollar whore” and I should just get over it.
He spent the next few months traveling the county meeting woman that he met online; of course they paid for his expenses. I would call him begging him to lie to me, I would say trick my mind make it so it is not true, he would go out of his way to intentionally hurt me. As soon as I would begin to accept it for what it was, he would call me, say he is sorry and that he loved me, one occasion he went as far as to tell me he was on his way back to me, only 5 hours away, although I did not want him back, I wanted to believe him I wanted the pain to stop”it was then that he stopped taking my calls I did not hear from him for 2 weeks, when he called he acted as if I was crazy like he never promised he was 5 hours away and we were going to make it right.
I decided I was not going to stop till I found him, sued him and held him accountable. Everyday when I woke up I thought what can I do today to find him, I was resourceful. He was on many dating sites, so I would post fake profiles, trying to chat with him, by doing so I would get the I.P address which only gave me a city and state, but I would use that info and contact him and say how is Dallas I hired an investigator I know where you are, trying to make his life hell. On 2 occasions I was able to locate him to a specific woman, one in FL and one in IL. I told them everything sent them proof and they threw him out, if felt good, I thought eventually he would stop, playing games and just give me my money, and realize he did not win with me. But he never kept playing a game of cat and mouse for two years after he left it consumed me, it was all I thought of. I was beginning to wonder what I was doing, questioning my own sanity. Everyone said stop let it go I could not though I had an overwhelming desire to catch him, and expose him on T.V it sounds crazy but that was my goal. Last fall it all came to an end he just showed up at my door, like nothing ever happened. That was my opportunity to strike back, for me it was closure, I convinced him to go on Judge Mathis telling him if I won they would pay the judgement to me on his behalf, and I said to him that I would split it with him. Being the sociopath that he is so full of greed, he believed me. My intention was to go on the show, and blind side him, expose him, and most importantly get closure. We went on the show, and I won but the con man that he is, he was able to make me look unstable, he was so calm, and I was nervous as hell. That is about 10% of the story I could not begin to tell the whole story. The good new is I really did get closure, and I feel free”but I must admit there is many scars, many wounds that have yet to heal I don’t know if they ever will. I have since meet someone, and beginning to heal but I still have many issues, when it comes to relationships and I hope to heal.