by AlohaTraveler
Today, July 3, is a significant day for me. On this day, three years ago, I left the Bad Man. Let’s take stock of that moment in time:
- Total cash = $700
- Debt = at least $16,000
- Job = None
- Place to live, bed to sleep in, a clue = No
- Plan = None
- Me = A total wreck.
Between May of 2005, when I moved in with the Bad Man, and May of 2007, I have moved 10 times. This includes one move back to the islands in September 2005 and then back to California again on November 29, 2005. My car has 7,200 nautical miles on it and it shows. It looks like it’s eating itself. Cars aren’t meant to go to sea and mine crossed the ocean three times between July 3, 2005 and November 29, 2005.
Below is the Reader’s Digest version of my trials and tribulations.
Movin’ movin’ movin’
- Moved in with the Bad Man for one last hurrah after having been apart for 4.5 months. What was I thinking?!
- The great escape: Moved out from Bad Man while he was at work.
- Moved from one friend to another.
- Moved back the the islands.
- Moved out of the hotel and into a condo.
- Moved back to California again.
- Moved in with my employer as a live-in nanny.
- Moved in with friends who took care of me for four months because I was a WRECK.
- Moved in with another friend after four months of rest, armed with a new plan. Finally.
- Moved in with my dear friends, Eric and Jen. This is where I live now and have been living for over a year.
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Between July 3, 2005 and May 2007, I landed and lost six jobs all for various reasons.
- North Shore Resort: Resigned and left Hawaii for a second time. Finally, a good choice.
- Internet start up: Business went under
- “Wellness” company: Fired by a narcissist
(Noticed right away that the boss reminded me of the Bad Man. Shortly before she gave me the ax, I was told that it was suspect that she had narcissistic personality disorder. Upon hearing this, I had a massive anxiety attack.) - Internet company: Not the right fit
- Live-in nanny: Not the right fit again
- County job: Contract ran out.
Where I am today
I have a place to call home and have been there for over a year now. Shortly after I moved in, my friends gave me an old dresser. It’s big and heavy and feels like an anchor, a welcome anchor. I unpacked my suitcases for the first time in nearly two years. That night, as I lay in bed, I stared at my “new” dresser and I cried. Since I have been here, life has finally started to stabilize for me.
My symptoms of PTSD have subsided. Occasionally, I have a strange choking, coughing sensation in my throat when I have a distressing thoughts but I don’t have anxiety attacks like I did before. I smile more. I laugh more. I sleep better. I don’t think about the Bad Man and worry if he really was the one and if it really was me that messed it all up. I fully embrace and accept that he is a pathological, not fixable, person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I have two jobs now. I have been at the first one since November of last year. I have been at the second one since March of this year. They are both in the area of social services and are an extension of the county contract I did last year. I have applied for grad school for an MSW and I am waiting to hear if I have been accepted.
I have paid off over $11,000 of that original Maui debt. Keep in mind that since I have been home, I have been unemployed off and on for at least 10 months and have worked for long periods of time for just $10 an hour.
I have started to date. At times, it feels like stepping out on thin ice, but I am doing it. I have started to rejoin the activities I loved in the past, such as sailing and baking and LAUGHING!
The road leads to you
I believe we will recover at the rate equivalent to the degree that we are committed to telling ourselves the truth. Now that you are here at Lovefraud, the truth is available to you and right under your nose. Will you accept it? It’s up to you.
Whatever it is you have lost, you will eventually get one thing back if you keep trying. Life might not ever look like it did before you crossed paths with a pathological partner but if you are open, it can look better. And at the end of the road, you will find YOU, and… another road… and maybe an old dresser.
Sitting in my “Big Girl Panties” today
- Debts = under control.
- Jobs = more than one
- A safe place to live, warm bed, and a plan for my life = check!
- Me = a whole lot wiser and not a juicy pick anymore for a Bad Man.
OxD –
Thank you! I am relieved, I keep hearing that message again and again – that the kind of person I am is wrong – too weak, too nice, too caring too good.
I just read somewhere the other day about “codependence – when caring becomes a disease.”
I honestly think we need more codependence in this world then – if that is indeed what it is.
I am so sick and tired of hearing that my virtues are what cursed me to this. I have heard it from counselor after counselor…
I have boundaries. I always have had them.
This creep knew how to get around them. I am no match, nor will I ever be – a match for a predator who has practiced his whole life on how to prey on others and get around their boundaries.
I am dead meat for someone intent on harming me that way.
I will continue to keep my boundaries and know who I am, but I am no match for this kind of person.
I could have had every boundary in the world, but his abuse was so hidden and insidious that it was nearly impossible to identify what he was doing, let alone explain it or understand what he was doing to me.
It was like he was putting rat poison in my food, but too little for me to ever taste it or know it was there. And all the while I was happy he was cooking me dinner every night. I would end up thanking him for poisoning me.
No boundary in the world could have prevented that. I was not stupid or weak or codependent for not even giving it a thought that he was poisoning me.
I guess I have lived a charmed life because I never ever knew someone could say they loved me and do this to me. But now I know.
I was thinking earlier…we would be together and he’d sing little songs.
One of them I remember went…. ‘What was I thinking…?’ and another went… ‘I met a girl I’d like to know better, but I’m already with someone…’
Both are popular tunes, ones that you might hear on the radio and sing over and over to yourself…but then again, he was singing them while we were together…I would hear them and it would play with my head.
If I dared ask him why he was singing them, he would twist it around on me and call me paranoid.
What? I can’t even sing a song to myself with you? You’re nuts.
If I even got a taste of disrespect or abuse that was obvious, I would have been out of there – as I have done my ENTIRE life, whether it has been a job, or a friendship or anything. I never stayed around long enough to see the real damage they can do.
Now I know this kind of evil person exists and can be walking around with me, holding my hand and telling me they love me. Never, ever in my life before, have I known that people can be so two-faced.
I think learning that horrible people can function and even succeed in life is the lesson that I needed to learn.
I have a small fortune invested in self-help books scattered here at my feet. Most were a complete waste of money. I found my answers in two places – Kathy Krajco and Lundy Bancroft – and also from the people like us who have lived it.
But most of the other stuff I have read has been total B.S. and I finally have given myself permission NOT to take it in just because someone with a PhD or MD. or anything told me so.
Actually, having lived through this I AM THE EXPERT – not the person who has read about this in a psychology book. Who is this person to advise me?
Yes, this is a new boundary. Not to trust mental health professionals with my mental health. I imagine many of them are narcissists who sit in judgement of others who come to them weakened.
Even with my ‘expert’ status in having gone through this, I never, ever feel smart, important, or righteous enough to tell another person what to do.
I will offer my experience, and they can take it or leave it. But I hope I never, ever, sit in judgement of someone who does it differently.
We all need to make our own way through this, and as we do, we are picking up pieces of what will eventually be the big picture.
I am just trying to offer what I can, mostly through the mistakes I’ve made in this, to hopefully save someone some agony.
That is what this is. Pure agony.
Lilygirl,,
DANGER DANGER DANGER.
“He knocked me down, picked me up, kissed my wounds and then knocked me down again.”
GAME ON! This is fun for a pathological partner.
“He didn’t pick me because I was weak. “He didn’t see me as a weak member of the herd. He picked me because of my goodness.”
He picked you because you have no boundaries. Don’t feel bad. I didn’t have boundaries either and I am practicing them everyday now and it’s hard to go against my internal “nice” wiring. “Nice” does not have to equal no boundaries. I am learning this now.
“I know you guys think I need to change, but I am telling you ”“ I am not giving up one speck of WHO I AM because he decided to rape my mind.”
Don’t think of it as changing Lilygirl. Think of it growing. The first person that is responsible for taking care of your well being is you. You can have “goodness” and still be good to yourself. Throwing yourself in front of the bus to save your pathological partner, especially when he is driving the bus (or starting the fire) is not wise. This is not the definition of love that you want your son to learn… and the Bad Man is not your son either. He is a grown man and he was immensely enjoying torturing you.
“It is difficult for him though, to go through that honeymoon stage with the new girl ”“ where he is caring, all giving, loving wonderful dream come true. It is a tough act for him, so he’d rather not do it.”
No. He loves this and it is easy for him. He does this for fun. It’s a set up where he gets to see you fall before the fall. He gets women to fall for him by being everything they ever wanted and then they fall on their face. FUN FUN FUN! It is no more difficult for him to be this way than it is for you to be the good, kind, loving person that you are. It is his nature to be this way. This is who he is.
“Just like he felt when he was a baby, whenever his Mom would ignore him. He “knows deep down that he is unlovable, after all, his mother didn’t. If she didn’t love him, well, no one will.”
BULL SHIT ALERT!
PITY PLAY 101.
“This had nothing to do with ME. I am just the woman he happened to stumble on. I just happen to be a really GOOD woman.”
Here is what it had to do with you. You were the kind of woman that would put up with it. It is not your fault that he ACTED THE WAY HE ACTED… but it is because of your lack of boundaries that he selected you. And it’s very likely that he tested your boundaries early on, even if it was in some small barely perceptible way… such as being late and offering no apology, or doing a no-show, no call. Am I right? Think hard now, Lilygirl. And a man like him will of course select someone that is a “good woman.” It helps him keep up the facade. He VERY CAREFULLY selected you.
It can be tempting to tell yourself that you were the nicest, the smartest, the best catch, the sexiest.. of all the women that “left” him. First, think of it this way. They escaped him. Second, it is very likely that all of those women are a lot like you and me. They are your sisters as we are.
I hope my words have not offended you today. If they do, they won’t in a few months. Keep reading.
I detect in your story the following:
1.Pity Play
2.Push Pull
3.Manipulation
4.Lack of any real remorse.
5.Emotional Battering, Terrorizing, Degrading, Belittling
6.Lack of Impulse Control
7.History of Failed Relationships.
8.Spin Doctoring
9.Narcissism
Just to name a few…
Keep trudging forward, Lilygirl.
There’s a beaten up old dresser waiting for you!
This was in response to your 2nd to last post… I don’t have time to read the new one but just keep considering boundaries… at what point did you realize it is not right for him to treat you this way? I nderstand “getting around boundaries.” I didn’t think I would let something like this happen to me either. But I did. Why… must go make a pizza.
XO Aloha
P.S. Read this essay for more explanation.
http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart5
Dear Lilygirl,
You believe that you had boundaries. What were those boundaries?
You say you had no way of knowing that he was a psychopath because he wasn’t physically beating you.
Yet, you admitted that you put your cats to sleep because he didn’t like cats.
He told you that you were such a bad person that you even thought of taking your own life to quit causing pain to your son, to the Psychopath etc.
You also indicated that you can’t stop him if he shows back up at your door, that you dont’ have the strength or power to keep him out of your life…
You say he called you paranoid (names) but at the same time you say if you had gotten even a hint of disrespect you would have been out of there. Name calling isn’t a “hint” of disrespect? He “calls me a crazy bitch”–that’s not disrespect? Then the next day you are perfect, and the next day back to crazy bitch–you didn’t get a hint of disrespect or dysfunction from that?
I am very confused here.
What do YOU think is the way to heal yourself?
Who do you think is responsible for stopping him from hurting you?
Lilygirl, I am in no way trying to come down on you, but sometimes the kindest thing we can do for others is to point out the inconsistencies in our ways of thinking. Believe me, my dear Lilygirl, Aloha and I have both been in the depths of despair, trying to make “sense” out of what is NONSENSE, and we have both been involved in trying desperately to “normalize” our Psychopaths—but they are not normal. Their thinking isn’t. They twist reality until WE can no longer see truth from lies, truth from falsehood. Reality from fantasy.
The bottom line is that EACH of us must save ourselves. I can’t save Aloha and she can’t save me, and the two of us together can’t save you. ONLY YOU can protect yourself from him. Only you can heal yourself. We can and will be here to be supportive of you, maybe even some “tough love” at times, but you know yourself, as a parent, that sometimes telling a child what they “want to hear” isn’t what is best ffor them in the long run, so we tell them the truth even if it hurts them for the moment. Telling a child that their beloved pet has died is painful for both the parent and the child, but it gives the child a chance to learn about death, about grief, and about life. It gives the child a chance to grow.
Telling you less than the honest truth isn’t helpful for you or for me either, but anything I have said here is meant totally in the intention of kindness, caring, and supporting your healing. Until I was confronted by the fact that the boundaries I THOUGHT I had were not real, were not protective, and that I was enabling others to hurt, use and abuse me, and until recognized these truths about myself, I couldn’t heal, I couldn’t grow, I couldn’t stop the pain. I had to learn and grow in order not to continually be a victim. Now I am more aware of abuses, people who show “red flags” that signal that they are abusers or would be if I allowed them to be.
By keeping these people OUT OF MY LIFE, not allowing them to come back in at will, by going NO contact, I am a powerful person.
(((hugs))))) Prayers and concern for you Lily girl. Oxy
Aloha –
God bless you sister. I read all five parts of Romeo a long time ago. I like it.
I know what you are saying and I understand and you have nailed him.
I know who and what he does, is and always will be. I don’t think I am the best girl that he ever had, in fact, I have LONGED to have lunch with the past girlfriends. I’d bet we’d have a blast.
For a long time, when I would think that my ‘love’ would save him, I thought to myself, no, there is nothing special about your love that will succeed where other women’s love has failed. You can’t love him ‘better’ than they did.
I hope you read my second post after the pizza. I am respectfully disagreeing with you on the boundary issue. For a long time I thought I had some control over what happened to me, but I realize now that I didn’t.
I think of it this way – I feel MUCH safer if I believe it was weak boundaries that I CAN STRENGTHEN so this doesn’t happen to me again.
I feel more in control then. It’s like getting an ADT system installed after your house is burglarized. It is a way that you can control a situation that has left you vulnerable.
It might be too scary to think that this happened to me and I really had no control over it.
Sometimes terrible things happen to us for reasons we can’t control. It is a scary thought for me, but one that allows me to give up trying to control this situation.
I can’t control it. I can do what I can to protect myself, but if there is someone with intent to do me harm with no boundaries of his or her own, there is not much I can do to stop them.
I will always loose in a fight with someone who will sink to any level to win. Who doesn’t let up when the other person is on the ground. Who kicks someone when they are down.
I would lose that fight because I am a fair fighter.
They will get me one way or another. The most I can do is stay away from them.
But he can be out there tonight, still calling me crazy. Still destroying my character and my reputation. Still planting images in other peoples’ minds of ‘crazy me.’
There is not one thing I can do – no boundary will protect me from that.
And people will fall for it too. Juicy gossip. They love it. Doesn’t matter to them if I have lived an updstanding, altruistic life. They will fall for what he says just to stay on his good side – for indeed, someday he could turn on them as well.
So he can continue to abuse me as long as he wants. Now if I dispute the change my grocer gives me, I am crazy.
If I stand up for my son when his best friends’ mother ruins his birthday – I can’t get along with anyone.
Now if I want to address bullying in my son’s grade school, I am that girl who overreacts to everything.
See how it works? He isn’t even here and is still putting rat poison in my food.
Character assasination is about the worst thing you can do to a person. He assasinated my character to me and to the world.
How do you fight that? By going around telling people you aren’t that way? That you really don’t overreact? That you really were abused behind closed doors?
When I have lost my temper and asserted my self-worth – my boundaries – I was assasinated more. He would ensure he drove me to madness so I would loose it in front of witnesses.
All it took was a few times. Now the seeds are planted.
My only redemption in this was reaching out to those former girlfriends. I did. I asked if he did this to them too. I got one to answer me, yes, he did.
That is the only way I could see out of this. The only way I knew it wasn’t me.
Did you ever see the movie Gaslight? It is the story of what he did to me. That scene where she insists on her boundaries and demands to go to the recital at her friend’s home, and without saying a word, during the recital, he drives her to loose it in front of everyone?
When I first saw that scene, I broke down in the most horrible crying spell I have ever had. I still break down just thinking about it.
I have felt that pain so many times.
That is what he did to me. He would buy me earrings and then hide them and tell me I lost them and make me feel ashamed.
He would tell me something and then deny he said it the next day. He would have a way to back it up, and there was no way I could argue.
All the while, behind my back, he was destroying me, my character.
He would play games with my head, making inuendos about bumping into past girlfriends. He would whisper a different name in my ear in the heat of passion, but the name would be very close to mine. If I said anything, I was crazy and imagining things.
You guys don’t have to tell me what to do. What I could use right now is some validation of my reality. I need people to tell me that he was at fault and that he is 100 percent responsible for doing this to me.
And that I had no control over it. I was a victim and he was intent on hurting me. I am not ashamed of being a victim. This was a crime. I was a victim. Period.
Aloha, I LOVED your list of what you see him doing to me. I need more of that.
You guys have to understand, I have gone though this alone, with ABSOLUTELY no one to support me. Plus I have raised a WONDERFUL little boy. He is so wonderful that the mothers’ of his classmates beg me to allow their kids to play with him, as he is such a good influence on them. I am so proud of him.
Talk about strong boundaries. I have them, or else I wouldn’t have gotten out of this alive.
I crawled out on my belly with my mind twisted in knots because I have boundaries that told me, even after I’ve been brainwashed, that something is wrong.
Nothing but my boundaries got me out of it.
My boundaries have always been strong. That is why I didn’t allow him to drive me to suicide. The abuse came because he is abusive, not because I allowed it because I had weak boundaries.
I am sorry, but I will never accept that. I fought tooth and nail not to allow it. But when I fought, the abuse got worse. My character got more assasinated. I was degraded into submission.
Sometimes a woman will submit to rape rather than be killed. Does that mean she allowed the rape? Does it mean that she could have prevented it? Or does it mean she did what she had to do to keep from being killed.
I did what I had to do to keep from being killed. That means a person is strong. Not weak.
I had no control over what he did to me. None.
Now I just need someone to understand why I did what I did, not to tell me that I was wrong to do what I did.
Think of my mind as being raped. I didn’t want it to be, I didn’t hand it over to be raped. But I was in danger, and I did what I had to do to survive it and get away.
A woman who stays with a husband who beats her is often doing what she has to do to stay alive, because often if she leaves he will kill her.
Or he will kill her children. The courts force visitation with a dad, abusive or not.
Maybe she feels they are safer not being alone with him for unsupervised visitation. Maybe he whispered in her ear that if she leaves him, he will rape her daughter on the first visit.
The father may or may not rape the daughter, but what a wonderful way for him to keep his wife from leaving him. MIND CONTROL.
No one knows why people do what they do. There is more to this than weak or bad boundaries.
For the mother who endures beatings rather than allow her daughter to be raped by her father, her boundaries don’t match the ‘accepted’ boundaries of staying away from abusers.
Her boundaries allow her to protect her child and endure what she must endure until it is safe to get away. But I would never blame the mother for staying with an abuser because I understand what she is up against.
It is about more than boundaries and just deciding what we will and won’t accept. For me, it was way more complicated.
God Bless you too Oxy.
You were posting while I was writing my seventh novel of the day.
I appreciate the tough love. I am not blind to the different ways of thinking about this.
I am not saying I WILL give in to him when he comes around again, I am saying I am doing my best to prepare to do battle with him, knowing that I could loose because he is SO much better at controlling me than I am.
I must just stay away because if he gets to me, I am a goner.
Right now, this thinking for me is as strong as I’ve ever been. It is working for me.
A lot of it came from Kathy Krajco. And as I have said so many times before, she literally gave me permission not to think the way everyone tells me I should think.
For the first time, she validated what I had been feeling and thinking on my own. Lundy Bancroft did too. Finding their messages has finally made me strong enough to believe that I am strong, not weak.
I was the victim of a crime. It’s my opinion that we all were.
I didn’t love a psychopath. That book title bothers me. That’s like saying “Women Who Love Rapists.”
I was controlled and brainwashed by a psychopath. Nothing about this had to do with love. I would prefer that title to be “Women who are Controlled and Brainwashed by Psychopaths.”
For me, I am frustrated a lot by a lot of the stuff I have read and believed for so long. It is the belief that I had some control over this that kept me in this. It was very dangerous thinking.
I had no control. I escaped by sheer grit. I almost didn’t. I still will never be able to walk down the street and not look over my shoulder. He’s out there.
Boundaries don’t protect women who are killed every day by controlling boyfriends. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves an abuser.
PFA’s, the police, the courts and not even a guard dog protects her then.
If he wants to get her, he will.
Dear Lilygirl,
Validating your theory about it being 100% “his fault” isn’t something I can do, because it isn’t what I believe. What I believe is this.
What they (in my case multiple Ps) did to me is not right, not fair, and is 100% their responsibility for doing it.
The reason they were able to do this for long periods of time is because I did not set appropriate boundaries and enforce them.
“Crap on me once, shame on you, crap on me TWICE, shame on me.”
I held on to a malignant hope that I could love them enough, help them enough, do enough for them that they would stop hurting me and love me back. That some way I could “fix” the situation by whatever it was that they wanted me to do to show them that I loved them.
When they disrespected me, I ‘forgve them” and restored trust, when they betrayed that trust, I tried it again, and again and AGAIN and A*G*A*I*N and so on. I did not set boundaries, I kept pushing the boundaries back and back and back.
Sure, I told myself I was just trying to “be fair” and all the other crap I told myself to excuse the fact that their ACTIONS were anything but loving or good. I was the one that hadn’t lied, but I was the one HURTING. I was not the one that had cheated, but I was the one HURTING. Over and over I went up and down up and down, trying to figure out some way to make the pain go away—but eventually I realized the only way to make the PAIN GO AWAY is to make the psychopath GO AWAY.
You are right, boundaries don’t protect women who are killed by controlling boyfriends, but the LACK of boundaries in the early relationship where the abuse starts slowly and they continue to allow it lets the relationship build up and up and up until the boyfriend/lover/husband crosses the ULTIMATE boundary and kills them.
i Have ULTIMATE control of who I let into my circle of “trust”—and it is a priviledge to be in my circle of trust, to be close to me. To be my friend. Sure my boundaries won’t protect me from stranger rape, or someone breaking into my home, but among those people that I know, that I am involved with, that I consider part of my “circle” –those people will DEMONSTRATE that they care for me, that they respect me, that they respect others, that they are honest, upfront, not coniving and controlling. LONG BEFORE THEY are INSIDE my circle.
By watching for “red flags”—the signs that someone is disrespectful, dishonest, has anger issues, dysfunctional, etc. and when these “red flags” are seen, excluding that person from my inner circle, I am going to avoid having intimate friendships with people who are likely to abuse me (or others)
Many times when you set boundaries you have to be prepared that the relationship will END right then and there. But–by the same token if the relationship ends because I will not allow someone to use or abuse me (cross a boundary) then I haven’t lost a thing of any value.
I had some dear friends who are “down on their luck” financially and also with poor health. They are full time living in an RV motor home. I let them park their motor home out here (they paid their own electric etc) but they had two dogs, both pit bulls that were dangerous to other animals, especially small animals. Normally they kept the dogs on chains near their RV but the dogs started to get loose on a regular basis and they would show up at my front door. I have a little 18 pound terrier who thinks he is a 150 pounds and will attack anything in his territory. I asked my friends to keep their dogs under control 100% of the time because I didn’t want my dog killed in his own front yard by their dogs getting loose and coming over to my house.
I got excuses, but no action, so I finally set a very firm boundary. Keep your dogs up or I will kill them if the attack my dog. They agreed to buy a pen for their dogs. They didn’t buy a pen for their dogs. I finally told them that they were going to have to leave because they had not kept their word, and I was not responsible for their dogs, THEY WERE.
I was prepared for the relationship to end in a shouting match, which, thankfully it didn’t. But the boundary had to be set because they were not responsible for their dogs. I didn’t like having to set a boundary, or to put such horrific consequences to it, but on the other hand, I was not going to let my own dog be endangered by their irresponsible behavior by having dogs which were dangerous to other animals and NOT controlling them. It didn’t seem important to them that they were putting MY dog in danger, or that this was MY farm, that I was allowing them to live here rent free because I cared about them.
All they had to do to continue to live here was to control their dogs in a responsible manner. I dont’ think that was a great deal to ask, but obviously it was not something that they were willing to do.
People will treat us the way that we expect and allow them to treat us. If I had not said anything about this because I was “afriad to hurt their feelings or make them mad” sooner or later I would have gone to let my dog out to go pee and he would have faced one of the pit bulls head on and been dead before I could reach for my gun. It was their choice to respect my boundary or to leave, and they chose to leave.
I’ve never had any problem with acquaintences in setting boundaries, but with people close to me, I’;ve always had trouble setting boundaries, but now it is ‘EQUAL OPPORTUNITY” BOUNDARIES.
There isn’t any way you can protect yourself from the slander your X does, and I have found the best way with that is to just ignore it, and prove to people by your behavior that he is lying. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t, but it isn’t anything you can control.
I’m going to focus on the things I can CONTROL and one of those things is how I ALLOW people to treat me. I no longer associate with my mother because of the way she has treated me, and I realized that it had been that way my entire life, not just lately, when it got worse. It hurts to realize that your entire life your mother has manipulated you and programmed you with false “precepts” in order to control you. But, once I realized the situation, I set boundaries. She crossed them, and I removed her from my life. That’s the only control I have. NO CONTACT. She can say anything she wants to about me, or believe anything, but I VALIDATE MYSELF, because I know I am not the one who was abusive, or lied, or put her at risk for murder. It is HER LOSS. I was a good daughter, a loving daughter, and she betrayed me, lied to me. Why would I WANT to associate with anyone who would do that to me? I wish it wasn’t that way, but it IS. Not my choice, but I accept it as reality. What IS.
I am focusing on healing me, loving me. Those that don’t love me don’t need to be in my life. That is what I CAN CONTROL.
Lilygirl,
Don’t get hung up on semantics. No one is saying that you are responsible for his behavior. No one is saying you can control him. But you can control yourself as Oxy just stated. Here’s how you do it. NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.
That dear girl is a clear boundary. Can he break into your house? Sure he can. That’s not about boundaries… that’s about a loose window latch or whatever.
You are swinging wildly with this thing about what a boundary is and you are being stubborn and missing the point. He did what he did. You allowed it to some degree.
Yes, the way they use control and mind games IS complicated. There is no doubt about that. You asked if we understand what it’s like to be made to look crazy. Yes. We do. You explained “see how it works”.. we know how it works. We know. That’s why we are here.
You left with your last scrap of self preservation… I get that. So did I.
Try to listen. We know your story. Tell it if it helps you but understand that we know it already inside and out.
It is criminal what they do and we are victims to a certain degree. And I agree that abusers don’t “look” like most people think. Now I know more than ever that they look like Ministers, a refined gentleman, a Police Officers, Doctors, the cute guy at the gym. I have learned a hell of a lot about abusers and I hope one day I will work with victims of Domestic violence and other abuse victims.
But, there is always a sign and you were passing the signs as if they were not there.. so did I, by the way, because I wanted my dreams to come true and he made it seem like he would make them come true.
The Bad Man acted as though he was just trying to help me see myself too but you know what, I am old enough to know that a person that is trying to help you, doesn’t call you an F—ing Bitch, or scumbag, loser, sleezy cheesy, asshole. (Sorry Donna… I am making a point.) I KNEW THIS. But I allowed it more than once. I allowed it over and over. There were many things he said/did that should have been 1 strike and you are OUT!!!
I accepted behavior from him that was not second chance worthy behavior. There are things that are unforgiveable to me as in… YOU HAVE DONE “X” AND THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE SO YOU ARE NO LONGER WELCOME IN MY LIFE.
Lilygirl, if it makes you feel better to say that it was your boundaries that saved you, then fine. I will admit my boundaries are fairly shakey. I can be manipulated. I work with troubled teen age girls who abuse me and manipulate all the time. This is a good job for me right now. I get to practice and practice all the time. I need this. I tell them “No” to something and then the next thing I know, they are trying to get it by asking another way. Or they are trying to get it by being sweet. Or they are trying to get it by being abusive to me and appealing to my need to be liked. The thing is, none of these tactics should work on me if it really is in my best interest to say “NO.”
“No” is a boundary.
“I am not saying I WILL give in to him when he comes around again, I am saying I am doing my best to prepare to do battle with him, knowing that I could loose because he is SO much better at controlling me than I am.”
All you have to be good at to “win” is to not open the door. NO CONTACT.
We NEVER win any “battle” we play with a Sociopath or a Pathological. I have said it before… put down your bat and go home. Forfeit the game. This is how you win. You will not win verbal battles and you will not be able to prove to others that he is the one that is nuts, not you. This part has got to be one of the WORST elements of the whole thing.
For the record… I HATE LOOKING CRAZY!!!! This nearly drove me out of my mind. See how that works?
It’s best if you don’t say goodbye or explain why. You just go silent and disappear. Treat him like a potted houseplant as Beverly says.
If you feel you will be in physical danger for any reason, call a women’s shelter and get advice.
Okay my dear… I have to go to bed now. We do know what you are going through. We do know.
I admire the help you are offering Lilygirl, Oxy & Aloha, but I think this isn’t actually the time for “tough love”. Not yet, anyway.
She was with the soul sucker for 5 years! It’s only been 4 months since she last spoke with him. That a long flipping time to spend being abused, manipulated, controlled by a psycho. Lilygirl is expressing her thoughts, her ideas, her feelings regarding where she is now in her healing. 2 weeks from now she will probably have a completely different perspective, one that is beneficial to her own growth and recovery.
By her admitting how vulnerable she considers herself to be at this stage, takes a lot of courage. It’s one of the hardest things to admit to another person, especially after the psycho hungered for that vulnerability from her and used it for his own selfish good time.
I really think we should curtail our advice to her and just let her speak her mind. Let her take as long as she needs to purge his malicious evil from her precious heart and soul. We are here to offer comfort, support, a loving, caring shoulder for her to cry on, not advice unless she asks for it.
We should listen and learn from her experience by saying…”hey, Lilygirl, I’m here if you need to talk. What ever you need to say is ok by me.”
Sometimes we just want to be heard….
Thank you Jane Smith and Free.
I can’t be here now. I know you guys understand why.
I can’t afford to be sent back to the place I just crawled out from.
Thank you for your support. I will do this on my own.
God bless everyone and I am sorry I can’t stay.
Oh, Lilygirl….
I’m here to listen if you decide to visit and share with me. I think you’re absolutely wonderful, doll. And very intelligent, witty, totally brilliant. Please believe in the truth that you are. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. You OWN that truth, babe.
My thoughts and prayers are with you….hug