Going forward, while looking back

apt/mgr –

I urge you to see Gaslight, the movie. It isn’t at your local Blockbuster, you’d probably have to order it from amazon or something.

very powerful. VERY powerful.

And you got it, the key here is the fact that these creeps DO NOT OFFER COMFORT when we struggle with their behavior.

That is key. That is key with everyone in life, how they react to your pain.

Insincerity puts the blame back on you… I am sorry you feel that way…those kinds of statements put the blame back on you.

And as for speaking up – I think many people back away when a woman claims abuse because they think it’s contagious.

Anyone who holds the victim of a crime responsible for that crime is WRONG. Let me repeat – WRONG.

We are not stupid. We should never, ever blame ourselves when we do not reach our goals right away – for instance, when we break down and get back together with him.

We just need to pull ourselves together and try again. You will succeed eventually, perhaps on your very next attempt.

We have the right to self-determiniation. We are entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what someone else would choose, including the decision to STAY with him or return after a seperation.

We cannot convince a woman that her life belongs to her if we act like it belongs to us. We need to stay by her even when she makes choices we don’t like.

Lundy Bancroft offers this mental exercise:

Think about your own life for a moment, and consider some problem that has been difficult for you to solve. Perhaps you have had difficulty finding a job you really like; perhaps you have a weight problem or some other health problem; perhaps you wish to quit smoking.

Now think about a time when friends or relatives were jumping in to tell you what you should do about the challenge facing you.

How much did that help?

Did they gloss over the complexities, making solutions sound simpler than they really are? Did they become impatient when you were reluctant to take the steps that they proposed? How did their impatience feel to you?

Bancroft is right. Totally right.

That’s what gets me sometimes about these posts. They don’t offer real practical solutions – all some do is clamp a lid on people and demand no contact.

Information is key. We need to share our research. We need to offer it and let those who are suffering learn for themselves. They will learn it, and they will be able to leave.

Screaming NO CONTACT does nothing. NOTHING. The person needs to WANT no contact first. Then we can easily not open the door or answer the phone or letters.

But when we scream NO CONTACT and the reader HAS contact, or can’t do what others are demanding, they feel even more like a failure. This is the danger.

The opposite is what is necessary. A woman will leave an abuser multiple times before it sticks.

I did.

But I kept reading. I read EVERYTHING. And each time I went back, I went back SMARTER. I began to see through his masterful manipulations, little by little. I would remember a sentence here and there…Most of all, I felt NORMAL.

I began to believe I was NORMAL – something I didn’t for a long time. I felt for years that something was wrong with me, I failed AT EVERYTHING – with him or without him.

Of course I knew he was a creep, so what was wrong with me that I couldn’t get away?

Turns out there was NOTHING wrong with me. EVER. I didn’t fail at red flags. I wasn’t stupid. I WAS A VICTIM OF A CRIME.

I was operating as a human being with whom I thought was another human being. NOT STUPID.

Kathy Krajco talks about an episode of the Twilight Zone when aliens land on Earth.

They provide us with all kinds of comforts, they take care of us, bring us the most wonderful foods, fatten us up and even bring gifts.

One of those gifts was a book called “How to Serve Man.”

Wow, even the President thought these aliens were wonderful and opened up even more of the country to them. They were indeed our friends. Many volunteered to go back to space with the aliens.

But in reality, these were still aliens.

Turns out the book, “How to Serve Man” was actually a cookbook.

We are not wrong for believing the people we encounter are human beings. It is the fault of the abusers, not us, that we went through this.

Kathy Krajco writes about projection on her site and in her book – Lundy Bancroft does too, only he calls it twisting the reality.

I love Bancroft’s one line when one woman ponders “He got me so frustrated one day that I slapped him across the face and then he broke my arm in self-defense.”

Bancroft says while the slap is not advisable, the broken arm was not self-defense – it was revenge.

Was the man actually in fear of his life when she slapped him? Was the slap a pattern that was designed to control his behavior?

No.

Was the broken arm?

Yes.

An abuser does not have a problem with his anger, he has a problem with YOUR anger and will do whatever it takes to swat you down.

I wanted it to work too. This was the man of my dreams.

But also as Bancroft wisely points out, none of these creeps would have a woman even on the same side of the street with them if they were their ‘true’ selves on the first date.

That is why I took such offense to what Aloha said about my thoughts on this – for my abuser – IT IS DIFFICULT FOR HIM to be caring, loving, thoughtful. It is not his way. He has to put on an act – a really good act – 24/7 until I am hooked.

It is exhausting for him to pretend he is human.

For him, as the horrible person he is inside, this is the most difficult part – the HOOK. Pretending he is a good guy when he is evil is the toughest act he will ever perform.

But without it, no one will come near.

He controls me exactly because HE DOES NOT WANT TO ACT HUMAN TOWARDS ME. He wants to brainwash me and gaslight me so he doesn’t have to treat me with respect or love or caring.

He would rather manipulate me so he doesn’t have to care about me. Caring about me makes him sick.

And I believe the ONLY thing that drives these creeps away is EXPOSURE so they can’t pull this hook on other women.

They trive in big cities, but in a small town like this where women talk, it is more difficult to keep his true self under wraps.

(His last relationship was across the country – and I truly believe he was forced out of that state by an agreement between his exgirlfriend’s family and his that he leave the state or the family would press charges against him.

Someday I hope to know that for sure, but my gut tells me he had to leave under threat of prosecution by the law.)

Just like a cockroach in the kitchen when you flick on the light – he scurries under the cupboard and hides. He does not want anyone to know he is there.

But this time, when I was suicidal, I called his best friend and began to tell the truth about what he did to me.

Whether or not the friend believed me, I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter.

Just the threat that now I am speaking out has forced him under the cupboard.

Now I have a breather – the first one in five years – where I can see what he did to me.

I find myself jealous of the posters here whose abusers are an ocean away, or in jail. They got the decompression time they needed.

My creep? He’s a half-mile away. I can see him in the grocery store, the post office, on the street.

But now I am armed with knowledge.

I can look him in the eye if I must and without blinking, say,

“I know what you did to me.”