by AlohaTraveler
Today, July 3, is a significant day for me. On this day, three years ago, I left the Bad Man. Let’s take stock of that moment in time:
- Total cash = $700
- Debt = at least $16,000
- Job = None
- Place to live, bed to sleep in, a clue = No
- Plan = None
- Me = A total wreck.
Between May of 2005, when I moved in with the Bad Man, and May of 2007, I have moved 10 times. This includes one move back to the islands in September 2005 and then back to California again on November 29, 2005. My car has 7,200 nautical miles on it and it shows. It looks like it’s eating itself. Cars aren’t meant to go to sea and mine crossed the ocean three times between July 3, 2005 and November 29, 2005.
Below is the Reader’s Digest version of my trials and tribulations.
Movin’ movin’ movin’
- Moved in with the Bad Man for one last hurrah after having been apart for 4.5 months. What was I thinking?!
- The great escape: Moved out from Bad Man while he was at work.
- Moved from one friend to another.
- Moved back the the islands.
- Moved out of the hotel and into a condo.
- Moved back to California again.
- Moved in with my employer as a live-in nanny.
- Moved in with friends who took care of me for four months because I was a WRECK.
- Moved in with another friend after four months of rest, armed with a new plan. Finally.
- Moved in with my dear friends, Eric and Jen. This is where I live now and have been living for over a year.
Jobs, jobs, jobs
Between July 3, 2005 and May 2007, I landed and lost six jobs all for various reasons.
- North Shore Resort: Resigned and left Hawaii for a second time. Finally, a good choice.
- Internet start up: Business went under
- “Wellness” company: Fired by a narcissist
(Noticed right away that the boss reminded me of the Bad Man. Shortly before she gave me the ax, I was told that it was suspect that she had narcissistic personality disorder. Upon hearing this, I had a massive anxiety attack.) - Internet company: Not the right fit
- Live-in nanny: Not the right fit again
- County job: Contract ran out.
Where I am today
I have a place to call home and have been there for over a year now. Shortly after I moved in, my friends gave me an old dresser. It’s big and heavy and feels like an anchor, a welcome anchor. I unpacked my suitcases for the first time in nearly two years. That night, as I lay in bed, I stared at my “new” dresser and I cried. Since I have been here, life has finally started to stabilize for me.
My symptoms of PTSD have subsided. Occasionally, I have a strange choking, coughing sensation in my throat when I have a distressing thoughts but I don’t have anxiety attacks like I did before. I smile more. I laugh more. I sleep better. I don’t think about the Bad Man and worry if he really was the one and if it really was me that messed it all up. I fully embrace and accept that he is a pathological, not fixable, person and it has absolutely nothing to do with me.
I have two jobs now. I have been at the first one since November of last year. I have been at the second one since March of this year. They are both in the area of social services and are an extension of the county contract I did last year. I have applied for grad school for an MSW and I am waiting to hear if I have been accepted.
I have paid off over $11,000 of that original Maui debt. Keep in mind that since I have been home, I have been unemployed off and on for at least 10 months and have worked for long periods of time for just $10 an hour.
I have started to date. At times, it feels like stepping out on thin ice, but I am doing it. I have started to rejoin the activities I loved in the past, such as sailing and baking and LAUGHING!
The road leads to you
I believe we will recover at the rate equivalent to the degree that we are committed to telling ourselves the truth. Now that you are here at Lovefraud, the truth is available to you and right under your nose. Will you accept it? It’s up to you.
Whatever it is you have lost, you will eventually get one thing back if you keep trying. Life might not ever look like it did before you crossed paths with a pathological partner but if you are open, it can look better. And at the end of the road, you will find YOU, and… another road… and maybe an old dresser.
Sitting in my “Big Girl Panties” today
- Debts = under control.
- Jobs = more than one
- A safe place to live, warm bed, and a plan for my life = check!
- Me = a whole lot wiser and not a juicy pick anymore for a Bad Man.
The man I almost left my husband for, lives a block away. And this is a small town and I know I’ll run into him. I’ve confronted him with the truth of who he is and now I know the rest of the story. But what I went through to find out! I wish he would move away then I could forget.
He took my brokenness and broke it even more. But I needed that, because it took my inner fortitude to put me back together again. He was my lesson, too. The more these people tried to break my spirit, the more I endeavored to prove them wrong. I want to say to the most of them, how do you like me now? The meanness and such didn’t work. I just wish I knew why they wanted to, to begin with. Why did any of them think I’m unworthy of equality and mutuality? It took all that abuse to show me just what I’m made of and I’m not that broken down, inept woman they thought they knew. I am fine and dandy. I now smile more than ever. It makes them all wonder what I’ve been up to. I no longer tell all, either. I’m just glad I learned how before I got too old to use all this knowledge and power
They wanted to break you because they are bullies.
Like any bully they use others to build themselves up.
They get off on it.
And for an even better high, they find someone who is strong like us so they can get off knowing they brought us to our knees.
Like any human hunter, they don’t set out to bag the weakest or sickest or lamest or smallest trophy, they set out to bag the strongest and the most beautiful.
That is what is perverted about this situation. It goes against nature. In nature, a predator finds the weakest and ensures the survival of the fittest.
In human sickness like this, the predator not only preys on the strongest, but it preys on its own kind.
I don’t look at this as a lesson. I knew I was strong before this, I just look at this as a terrible thing that happened to me.
Just like a woman with breast cancer didn’t get cancer for the lesson it would teach her. It just happened.
But I say to myself, well, now I know this terrible thing happened to me, and now I know what to do about it.
I don’t think we needed a lesson like this to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and equal. We knew that before.
We had the fight of our lives just to prove that? I don’t think so.
We were victims of a crime. If a terrible thing happened to us, it happened.
How we choose to go on from there is up to us. It is important to try to make lemonade from this lemon.
But the lemon didn’t come and hit us in the head because there was something deficient in us.
It just happened to hit us. Some people find out they have cancer. Some people find out their child has a terminal illness. Some people are struck by lightning.
Bad things happen to good people. (A great book that helped me by the way).
Good things happen to bad people.
There is no one deserving of anything, good or bad. God doesn’t slam us with a lesson because we need to be stronger.
He is there to help us endure it when we get slammed. But things happen at random in the world.
For a long time I didn’t realize that.
But coming to that realization that I wasn’t chosen by God to endure this lesson as punishment for my failure to recognize red flags has helped tremendously.
I am just continuing to live my life the best I can, realizing that worse things can happen to people. This is horrible, yes, but there are indeed worse things that could happen to me tomorrow.
If my son (God forbid) was hurt and in the hospital tonight, the stuff with the creep wouldn’t even compare to that agony.
Why waste another minute on these creeps? We should live today as though it is our last. Something worse can happen tomorrow.
Or something better can happen too. Let’s just see what happens because we never know.
My son is outside waiting for me and we are washing the car. Hmmm…would I rather be in here ruminating about the creep or out there with the bubbles and him….?
See ya later.
lilygirl,
You rationalize your situation like I did everything. I would be having a very glum day and bemoaning the fact that my children all moved away and I was left alone. This thought would come to me, that I could at least still speak with them. How about all those mothers who lost children in the wars, whose husbands killed the children to keep the wife from having them, children who’ve run away and so on. I’d stop, count my blessings and I’d say, too, this crapola I’m dealing with is nothing.
I wasn’t killed. What I endured was emotional. Through those emotions I processed who I really am. I don’t want that kind of emotional rubbage again. I want to be prepared at a moments notice should I be called upon for something far worse. I run the scenario in my mind of me ruminating over what happened and the money I lost, and think of the precious little children all over the world who go to bed hungry at night and have no one to love them and know I am blessed indeed.
Even though I lost the love of a man, I have the unconditional love of my children. All isn’t lost. I have been loved and the sun will come up and the moon and stars will come out and life goes on. So will I. Take care.
Right on!
I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet…
So true. I obsess at times of the weight I need to lose. I can’t get motivated and don’t want to make that my life’s ambition. I then think of one of our tenants who is a quadriplegic who can’t even scratch her nose. At least I can jump in my car and go where I need to and take care of me. And my children are healthy and fine. I’ll gladly sacrifice my happiness as long as my children are okay. I just wish that point could be made to those who want to cause harm. I guess they are the ones to be pitied. Not in the true sense of the word, though.
WOW! I go outside to workk for a few hours and bingo, I come back and there is some GREAT STUFF posted here!
You go Lilygirl! Ditto Apt/Mgr!!!
I can feel the POWER SERGES all the way to my computer!!!
Learningme,
You have the POWER BABE!!! He has no power unless you give it to him. You are strong!!!!!! (((Big hugs))))) We’re right beside you as well! (((holding your hand)))))
alohatraveler,
You will make it and come out stronger and better in the end. You are an inspiration.
If there is one consolation from surviving a horrible experience with a bad person, maybe it is that when you finally meet a good person, you will appreciate, enjoy, and cherish him all the more. That is what I hope for myself and for all here.
I often find joy in simple things now, (like having a dresser), because they are such a contrast to what my life was like before.
One example is driving with a friend who was giving me directions. It was such a pleasure to do such a simple thing together.
Don’t forget to enjoy the simple things. Like driving. And dressers.
The contrast between this and the experience with my ex was astounding. In the same situation, he would have been yelling at me and I would have been walking (driving!) on eggshells and very anxious the entire time. Not because I was doing anything wrong or driving badly, but because he would have deliberately given me bad directions (turn there) and then yelled at me for following them. Or he would have been deliberately vague and then yelled at me for not reading his mind. (Take the next right. NOT THIS ONE, THE ONE AFTER THIS!)
It sounds so stupid now to realize that I put up with such a constant level of criticism and anxiety for so long.
alohatraveler,
Your dresser looks like “home” with the plant, pillow, pictures, and stuff on it. So nice!
Free,
Thank you so much, it is good to know I am not crazy. I know how I feel, I know this was not me, or weak boundaries or any such thing.
I just ordered three books about gaslighting, I need to learn more about it. But I hate to order books without knowing what they will say. So much of what I have read is complete bullshit. But I believed it because – well – it was in a book.
If you have any information to share with me, please do. I could use it and I think you totally understand where I am in this and what I am saying.
I am SO reluctant to take in anything from anyone right now. I keep screaming Krajco and Bancroft because over time, they have proven to me to be right in what they say.
Judging people who are in or trying to escape from abuse is the WORST thing someone can do, especially when the abuse was psychological.
Bancroft’s belief is that women go back multiple times before they can see the pattern. I believe that. This is a process that just gets played out, and when it plays out, it becomes clear and then you can CHOOSE no contact, because you believe in it.
He says when you start to leave and get back, the next time you leave, stay away longer. Each time, stay away longer – as long as you can stand it.
That way of looking at it was way easier on me. He and Krajco were the only ones – in the dozens and dozens of books I’ve read on everything from codependence to narcissism to psychopaths to anger management to crazymaking – who actually made me feel NORMAL.
Hearing that my gut feelings were NORMAL did the most good for me.
That it is normal to feel bonded to the abuser, that it is normal to want to go back to the relationship, that it is normal not to see the abuse in the beginning, that it is normal to want to believe the lies.
I am NORMAL.
That was all I needed to hear.
People craming things in my brain just made me feel more and more crazy because I COULD NOT DO WHAT THEY WANTED.
I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t stand up to him. I couldn’t do anything else but what I did. PERIOD.
Now I come here for support and so many people gang up and force their way of doing things on me. If it wasn’t for you and Jane Smith and a few others, I wouldn’t have come back.
I see many things said on this blog that eat me up. It shouldn’t be happening.
The cramming of things in people’s brains does nothing to help them become stronger, it weakens people because they then feel like even bigger failures when held up against others who keep saying they do no contact and enforce boundaries and etc. better than anyone else.
This is not a contest to see who is a better survivor, but I feel it has become one.
Because of the deadly abuse we suffered, you and I now have to question EVERYTHING. Why? Because we trusted someone. We can’t trust the rain on our skin. We can’t trust the sun on our backs.
They say: with physical abuse, the abuser kills you. with psychological abuse, you kill yourself.
My creep had much to loose if his abuse was out in the open. He broke my ribs once, hit me in the jaw and kicked me in my shin, as well as numerous throws down the hall.
But he held back on much of the physical abuse. He felt the psychological abuse was “cleaner.”
So now because of this we can’t trust our decisions – whether they be as small as a choice of salad dressing or big ones about finances.
I have shut down for a while. I am just sitting still. I can’t move. I can’t keep going. I need a rest. I am so tired and exhausted from walking around like this.
Like I have been on hyperdrive 24/7 for five years. Like I have been living in a war zone.
The flashbacks are so hard on me. I could really use a friend. I could really use a friend I can trust.
Today I broke down on the porch with my son and cried. I explained to him that this creep really hurt me (I talk about this a lot with him, something my mother never did with me, which may be why I was so naive)
I have some very low days still. Today was one. I apologized to my little boy for being so sad and not being able to pick myself up and pack a picnic basket and take him swimming. That was what I had planned to do.
I just couldn’t get to it today. Maybe I will tomorrow.
But he sat across from me, SO wise and SO strong and he said, “Mom, if you are going through this today, I will be here with you and I will go through it with you. You aren’t alone and remember, we could be living in a cardboard box. Lots of people have worse days than these.”
And I felt better.
He spent the afternoon doing bike tricks for me in the driveway. All I had to do was sit and smile. That was enough for today.
where is Janesmiths poem? And you know what? It has been a long time since anyone worried about me. Thank you SO much, you have brought tears to my eyes.