Yesterday I attended a family celebration in honor of my little niece’s First Holy Communion. The guest of honor, my niece, is in the second grade and is a beautiful, vibrant child—blond hair, blue eyes with a sprinkle of freckles across her nose. In her white Communion dress, she looked like a little angel.
It was a sunny day and a pleasant get-together. Most of the guests had left when my niece and her friend, another little girl, wanted to put on a “show” for those of us who remained. We, of course, agreed to be the audience.
With a video clip from the Internet providing the music, the girls sang and danced to the song Beggin’ On Your Knees by Victoria Justice.
I was horrified.
Victoria Justice
Victoria Justice is 18 years old. She has been performing since the age of 10, and has acted in several TV shows on Nickelodeon. Without a doubt, she is a beautiful, talented singer and dancer. But she is also selling sex to little girls.
Here’s the video of Beggin’ On Your Knees.
The video is slick, obviously packaged by entertainment executives and corporate bigwigs to appeal to tweens—and younger. It’s set on a seaside amusement pier, with the actors playing arcade games and going on rides. The performers, of course, represent a nice multicultural mix—I’m sure the money men don’t want to miss any marketing opportunities.
So Victoria Justice sings about her relationship with some guy, and how he cheats on her. The chorus goes like this:
and One day i’ll have you begging on your knees for me
yeah, One day i’ll have you crawling like a centipede
You mess with me?
And mess with her!
So I’ll make sure you get what you deserve
yeah, One day you’ll be begging on your knees for me
So my little niece, who a few hours earlier was angelic in her white Communion dress, was shaking her body and crawling on the floor as she sang along to Beggin’ On Your Knees.
She, of course, had no idea what the words meant. But the messages are there for anyone to see: Girls achieve success by attracting good-looking boyfriends. Good-looking boyfriends cheat on their girlfriends. When cheating happens, girls take revenge.
Gee—when I was my niece’s age, I watched Shirley Temple sing Animal Crackers in My Soup.
Cheerleaders
This isn’t the first time I was struck by the blatant sexual messages being communicated to young girls. A few months ago, friends were in Atlantic City to watch their daughter perform in a big cheerleading competition. They invited my husband and I to join them.
This girl is a senior in high school and has been cheerleading since she was young. Approximately 3,000 girls were participating in this competition, ranging from high school age to girls my niece’s age—or younger.
As I walked around Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, I could not believe my eyes. All of the girls, down to the youngest ones, were parading around in cheerleading costumes that featured off-the-shoulder tops, bare midriffs and extremely short skirts. They all wore heavy make-up. They were all being taught to strut, show what they’ve got, and smile.
Abusive dating
I, in the meantime, am preparing to talk to another group of high school students about Sociopaths and Abusive Dating Relationships.
Part of my message is that sociopaths use sex to trap their victims. If you’re lonely, you are vulnerable. And when you have sex, you form a psychological bond that makes it difficult to get away if the person turns out to be an abuser. This is how domestic violence starts.
Yet according to the constant bombardment of messages directed towards young girls, their success depends on how sexy they are, and whether they can attract a hot boyfriend. Any girl without a boyfriend, therefore, will feel lonely, and will be vulnerable to the abuse of a sociopath.
So how do I compete with overwhelming, lifelong marketing? How do I tell these high school students that sex may get them in trouble when they’ve been fed a steady diet of “sex sells” since they were little kids?
Girls are being brainwashed by marketers out to make a buck. I don’t even know how parents can protect their kids from the onslaught—they’d have to raise their daughters in a cocoon. As a result, so many little girls are probably ripe to become the next generation of victims of sociopaths.
sugarandspice – do you know about ‘our family wizard?’ it’s a tool that will minimize bs in emails. pas this on to your finance, and he should consider blocking her from text messaging: http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/
Check out the posts of Liane Leedom, M.D. in the column on the left of this page for some good information.
you are taking on a lot here. i don’t know how long you have been engaged, or how long you plan to be engaged before you are married, but you need to know that what you are spelling out seems a recipe for disaster. I know you have asked for help with the kids – but really your finance concerns me. He has to be the one initiating changes within his family and be able to deal with the ex, or you will never be able to deal with the kids together.
The ex will be in YOUR life for for at least another decade – or until she gets bored; but as the daughter is so easy and fun to ‘play with’, i suspect the x will be around for a very long time.
The daughter sounds like she might be more than a victim. she has momma’s genes, ya know. Do you really want all this in your life? To become your life?
Please focus on taking care of yourself – which in your case means that your finance must get past any denial and start working on a plan with your help on how to deal with the x and each child. that the son ‘doesn’t want to go’ is no reason for him not to go to therapy. I think your finance needs to step up and take control of his life. I know it is devastatingly hard with the dynamics you are describing – but i have a picture of YOU burnt to an emotional crisp if he does not. Let him know about lf – we are a great resource – if he won’t step up, do you really want this to be your life?
i don’t mean to offend you – and i know that i am responding to a small amount of information – but i tell you, if he has abdicated when it comes to the kids, he will with you also.
Hi all. I’m new here, just found this site few days ago.
So, concerning the topic – of course its deplorable, but its the general pushing of “sexiness” toward young girls in our culture overall that is the problem.
I had never heard this song, but I just did. I notice alot of these teen girl angst songs reflect the low-esteem of girls, and how dependent they are on a boy’s view of them, as this one does. They reflect how teens are, but it also glorifies it and continues the damage on the new ones. At least this one has a tone of confidence and some degree of strength, and she does not want to get him back, but have him appreciate what he threw away. What’s funny to me is that the boy shows the same sociopathic traits you discuss here – cheating, lying to win her “i never felt this way”, and she does plan to out his tricks to the new girl (and does so in the video). So, it could help be a warning to, although the flipside is that it normalizes that boys are prone to do this, but it does not seem to accept it, thankfully. Perhaps this could be discussed in your seminars as an example, showing the pros and cons.
As for cheerleaders, it is not just them. Check any local dance troupe and see the makeup and outfits. (I’m always horrified, I ask other mothers how they let their daughters do that, but they want to be part of the group, even if they don’t like it, so they go along.) Not just that, oh no, check any walmart and see the shorts that are available to young girls. Mothers say they have to search around to find a store that carries shorts that are longer than Daisy Dukes.
Makes me glad I only have a son. I would “freak the freak out” (another song by Victoria Justice).
Charmed
Dear sugarandspice,
I agree with one/Joy on this one….this whole thing sounds like a DELUX disaster and your fiance is the one who needs to be learning about psychopathy and how to handle his children and this relationship.
HE IS THE ONE RESPONSIBLE for his children, and while your desire to “help” him is noble and good, it is not something you can do for him, and even if he gets counseling and does the best he can, he may not succeed in helping his children over come the odds against them with both genetics and poor parenting on the mother’s part.
Starting “family counseling” with him soon sounds like a good first step, and not sure if you are living with him or what the situation is but I would think long and hard before I married this man or had his child either. At best any marriage has only about a 50/50 chance, repeat marriages 25/75 so at BEST the marriage has a poor statistical chance…but factor in the emotional, financial and chaotic problems with this x wife and with the children themselves it spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R to me.
There is another step mother here on the blog who is going through it with her step son and his P mother, so you are NOT alone in this and maybe she can give you some advice as well.
I hate to sound so negative about the situation but at the same time getting a REALISTIC idea of what is going on with thhis man, his x wife, and his children, should help you make decisions that are best for not only YOU but for everyone concerned. good luck and God bless. Keep on reading here, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
Dear Charmed,
Welcome to LoveFraud! And, thanks for your very relevant post as well. I totally agree with your comments!
Charmed,
while I agree with everything you said, I would also add that the problem isn’t just sexiness being promoted. It’s the whole idea that girls need to be pleasing and pleasant to everyone. We are raised to want to please. sick, sick, sick.
sex is just another avenue for pleasing.
I was in a meeting, one time and a man was talking about his daughter, and how worried he was about her. He was afraid that the boys would conn her and break her heart. He said that she was very naive, etc. etc. etc.
I made the point that while I felt for him, and understood his concern, it really had a lot to do with HOW MEN RAISE THEIR SONS. If there wasn’t such a double standard in our culture dfather’s wouldn’t have to worry so much about their litlle Princess’s. Furthar more, as Sky observed, we don’t spend enough time or energy empowering our daughters. We spend a lot of time teaching them that LOOKS are what count, and we teach them how to be nice and helpful, but we don’t teach them to say NO or have boundrys, or trust their guts, etc.etc.etc.
I still have a hard time setting boundrys, if I think it will hurt someones feelings.
This is a case in point. I was walking to the store one Evening and it was almost dark. There is a trail that goes through a little clearing in the middle of a grove of trees, and you can see to the other end of the trail. A man was stepping onto the trail from the other end, and I decided to walk around. When he came out of the other side of the trail. he yelled at me that I was a racest, and I had profiled him as dangerous, based on his race. I felt bad, and apologized to him. But, I should not have felt bad. I have the responsibility to protect myself, and I did not feel comfortable on that secluded trail with him….(probably would have had the same reaction to any man. So I was guilted into apologizing for setting a boundry. Sheeeeesh. When does this recovery stuff become second nature? It’s so much work.
kim frederick:
Awesome post! So well said and so true…all of it.
Kim,
I can see why he might feel that way, BUT you had every right to “profile” him based on ANY CRITERIA that you set to keep yourself safe.
I would have done the same thing, based on the fact he was an UNKNOWN MALE—regardless of race.
Him yelling at you showed that HE HAD A PROBLEM so actually underscored the decision you made to walk outside the “trail”—so BOINK yourself for feeling guilty. LOL But give yourself a pat on the back for putting YOUR SAFETY FIRST! Good job!
Ox, I only felt guilty as a knee-jerk reaction. Once I thought about it, I knew I had every right to choose to walk around.
And I agree that he was acting very aggressively, so I made the right decision.
Well, you know, that “knee jerk” reaction of GUILT that we have may never completely go away….but the GOOD THING is that now that we KNOW BETTER, when it happens, we assess it and do a “re-do” on it. So the automatic response we have may be so ingrained in us that it will just flash into our heads, but the fact that we know it isn’t valid we can counter it with our THINKING BRAINS!
And that is what we MUST DO….
I had to e mail egg donor yesterday for a question, about a neighbor that wants to widen the road at the corner of our property and we would have to give them a sliver of land to do so, but they have lived next to us for 4 generations and are good neighbors and since they will reset the fence and the county will widen the road there it won’t really be any expense or trouble to us so I thought it was okay, and could have signed the permission without even letting egg donor know but I thought I would be polite and “consult” with her. So sent her an e mail telling her what they wanted and that they would redo the fences and it wouldn’t cost us anything and That I was willing, and she sent me back a chatty note signed “love, Mama” approving the deal as well…I saved, of course, the copy of the e mail to prove –if I ever have to —-that she agreed as well…that I didn’t do something against her wishes. (excuse me while I puke) anyway. I was kind of proud of myself that it really didn’t upset me or cause my blood pressure to rise. So as we grow, as we heal, we get to where these knee jerk reactions are not so bad and if we do have one, we quickly assess it with our brains and realize we have every right to protect ourselves.