By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
MiLo, sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t, depending on how badly they are addicted to that “thing.” I know with son C it doesn’t matter that he must spend an entire month working for a faster bigger computer for his games, that’s fine, and he will spend the LAST dollar he has saved to get it….forgetting that if he blows a tire, he won’t have the money to replace it. He just counts on nothing bad happening until he has enough money to buy a new tire if he needs one.
He lost on that gamble once when his car quit and he lived out in the country with one of his buddies who was a long haul trucker and never home….and he had no car to drive to work, thus, he got fired from his job. No way to get to town except walk, and NO money. Actually I “rescued” him from that one….(he was like 20 years old) brought him home, sold him an old clunker we had on time payments, and got him a good job at a local factory making double what he had been making….and gave him the USUAL conditions of living here at home and working….1/3 to me for room and board, save 1/3 and you get 1/3 to pay your expenses on etc. but I did not enforce it….and of course though he paid me for the car, and gave me the room and board money, he did not save a dime….and at the end of the year when I tossed his arse out for being surly to me when I asked about the savings. He had, I estimate, spent $18,000 that year on computers and video games, and didn’t have a single dime. He went BACK to live with that truck driver buddy and quit his good job and went back to work for the job shop he had been working for and continued to live in abject poverty except for the computers until he married the psycho-bride in which case THEY lived in poverty but had cable TV with all the bells and whistles and more and bigger computers.
So you know, this has been a pattern with C since he was out of college….video games are his life, and he will spend every dime he can rake up to buy newer and bigger games….he is 40 going on 15. About like 2Bs daughter…..he does work, and is an excellent employee….so at least maybe she will get a job and do okay even if she is surly to 2B…who knows?
Oxy – My second son will be 40 next year, is married, they both work and they have NOTHING, because they spend it ALL on toys. I am ashamed to say I have loaned (given) them money time and time again when they can’t make payments, car problems, health problems, you name it.
They now know, that well ran dry. It’s now “sorry for your luck”. They really are having rough times now, but I THINK (not sure) but THINK they are finally learning. It is hard to see your kids living in poverty, but like you say it has been their choices that got them there. They must be the ones to get out.
Maybe I am an old fogie, but I think if you want something bad enough, especially the “extras” like cell phones, IPads, the best clothes, etc., you need to work to pay for it.
MiLo, I agree with you totally, but I think many people today, even ones who grow uup in poverty some how see the “toys” as essentials and that they are entitled to them, and don’t realize that things like FOOD etc are not guarrenteed. I used to get so upset when people would come into the clinic without health insurance for themselves or their kids, though they had a $30,000 bass boat in their yard and a big EXPENSIVE pick up to pull it and a much bigger house than I had and then cry because they “couldn’t afford” health insurance….well they were stretched out as far as the lending establishment would go with them, a 4,000 square foot house, etc. but they didn’t budget for health insurance because it was “too expensive.” They would get angry with us at the clinic for charging them…. UGH!!!!!
I’ve bailed C out in the past too, but no more. I gave him a chance this last time he moved home to dig himself out of the hole and to have something besides poverty, but HE CHOSE to buy the toys, and in addition, he CHOSE to LIE to me about it…he knew I would NOT “approve” of his choice, and he didn’t want to man up to tell me about it…so, when the time comes that I pass on out of this world, anything I have left is NOT going to him because he did not use what he had in what I consider a reasonable way, and since I EARNED what I have, I get to say who gets it and it won’t be HIM to buy bigger and better computer games.
I don’t have cable, I don’t have an Iphone, I don’t even have texting on my phone. I don’t have a NEW vehicle but it is one that runs 100% of the time and is paid for, and my home is paid for because I worked hard to pay for it….and did without a lot of “toys” that others had. I live well now because I worked hard and saved money for “the future needs” and if other people don’t do that, then I don’t feel a compelling need to open up my check book and give them what I have saved even if those people are people I love. However, for people who have done everything they can to help themselves and need a little boost, that’s a different story.
Thanks again everyone for your support! I shut her phone off and she texted me from her friend’s phone, who she is living with. She said “I cannot tell you where I am if I don’t have a phone”. First text since the police were there! Too bad. I’m not paying for the phone anymore. Let her friend’s mom put her on HER plan.
So, I have to pick up her sister from Drama club at six..and bring her back at seven for a concert tonite at the HS.
I am NOT driving her home or bringing her back.
She wants to be on her own…let the neighbor cart her around.
I am really convinced that she has no heart.
Dear Tobehappy,
Of course the snarky remark of “I can’t tell you where I am if I don’t have a phone” in a TEXT she was making from someone else’s phone! LOL ROTFLMAO How P-ish of her!
As for giving her a ride to anywhere—nope—no rides, no money, no phone, NADA. She can get a job or her “rescuer” can provide for her and feed and clothe her…or she has the OPTION of coming home and behaving herself in a respectful way and receiving nurturing, but she is NOT going to run the house hold.
MY HOUSE, MY RULES. DON’T LIKE MY RULES? GO SUPPORT YOURSELF OR FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO WILL.
AMEN!
ToBe,
I’ve been reading about your daughter and not saying much because the others seem to have lots of good advice for you.
There is one thing that has been left unaddressed though: your other daughters. How do they feel about the fact that you gave the oldest preference in so many ways? I wonder because I watched my parents give my spath siblings the “golden child” treatment. There was no good reason except “he’s the only boy” and “she’s the youngest.” The real reason was because they were cuter than I was.
Anyway, it has affected my ability to ask for anything (there was never enough money to go around for everyone, but the spath kids always got what they wanted) and I have become someone who automatically sacrifices so that others can have.
I know that your spath daughter is going to come back. You have been EXCELLENT N-supply for her and people don’t like to give up their supply. She is going to come back and continue to expect the special treatment you’ve always given her.
I think that even if she does come back she should not get a smart phone plan if the other kids don’t. In fact, the new rule should be: you don’t get one because we can’t afford for EVERYONE to get one.
Her behavior, IMO, comes from the special treatment she has always gotten. She feels entitled. It may be too late to teach her that she ISN’T ENTITLED, but you can certainly try. Expect a huge battle.
Edit:
I think that in the end, your other daughters will benefit too from a more equitable arrangement. It might not be too late for them to learn that they are no less than their sister, or anyone else.
She’s always been so demanding. The other two never were…they were content to stay home.
Since she was my first..and I felt guilty about their loss of their father..I didn’t want any of them to not get the “best”.
She always wanted things and to do things…and whined to get it. I would feel guilty and give her what she wanted.
I realize now that she was being selfish. She didn’t care. I had too much guilt…maybe because she was the only one who knew her father and lost him. The other two never had a bond with him…they were younger and don’t remember anything.
Looking back, I realize that I was just trying to keep them all happy. The two younger ones were happy being home and didn’t want a lot. She wasn’t.
I pulled her out of school for a whole year in seventh grade. I was working and on the verge of losing my house. She was crying that the teachers were nasty and she didn’t like school. I blamed it on the school …that they didn’t have a gifted and talented program for her! Imagine that! I was so stressed so I let her stay home and home schooled her.
She is highly intelligent and uses it to her advantage…to manipulate others.
I just can’t believe that she turned on me. She bit the hand that fed her.
Now, I ‘m done feeding her. I don’t know if she’ll come home..I’m sure she is livid, because she lives on that phone..twitter…etc..
Like Hens said….Maybe now she’ll get a life. All of her moral support via texting is gone! Maybe she will use her brain and think instead of posting.
Its really scary. I would never imagine that she would be such a traitor.
In her mind, you are the traitor because you stopped giving her everything she wanted. As much as she wanted the room, I think a big part of this is that you toppled her from her pedestal by saying no, you can’t have it. It’s like a narcissistic injury more than anything. She feels like she lost power over you and now she’s trying to regain it by threats and coersion. Now you are involved in a power play.
Even explaining all this to her would not change the way she FEELS.
The book, “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry men.” by Lundy Bancroft, gives a really good example of how an entitled person thinks and feels.
The example is of a boy who has been told his whole life that he will inherit a piece of land when he turns 18. That property is actually a park but he doesn’t know that. He has been taken to that park and shown that it will be his when he grows up. As he gets older, he starts to visit the place and he sees other people picnicking there and he chases them off, incensed at their lack of respect for his property. They keep coming back so he tries to cordon off a section of the park for picnickers. When he turns 18 he tries to take control of the park and gets arrested. He is informed that it isn’t his property and that he has been misled all those years, but it takes a long, long time for him to let go of the idea that he grew up with: that he is entitled to that property.
2B ~ Unfortunately, demanding, manipulative and even highly intelligent are all also terms to describe my daughter.
I have come to learn that no matter how much I gave her, it was never enough in her eyes. She never got enough attention and/or material things. There was no way, nothing I could do to satisfy her needs.
Stay strong