By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
Oh……something BIG fell into my lap today, with a little EB backspathing….. 🙂
It’ll provide me the info to know when to expect him.
Spath’s coming……..he IS coming!
I’ve got an ‘insiders view’ now……WHEW! HUGE!!!!
Hope your all getting out and enjoying a bit of each day!!!
Life is good………do something nice for yourself.
Today was a good day!
BACKSPATHINATOR!!!!! Points for The Backspathinator!!!! TA DA!!! TOWANDA!!!!!! Gooood Job EB!!!!! Hee hee
Good Morning everyone…
I crashed out early last night. This whole situation just took my strength and energy from me!
Anyway…I have to say that everyone on here is so right.
“I” created this monster. ME.
I overcompensated with my first child. I grew up with a socio mom who verbally and physically abused me…called me names, told me that I was “stupid” and had “no common sense
just like my (educated) father….that I was “ugly”…etc. DAILY.
So, when I had my first child, I told her everyday that she was so smart, beautiful…etc. I have videos of her at 2 yrs old helping me take care of my second child…bathe her and even jump into the crib and change the newborn’s diaper. I have videos of her breading chicken cutlets.
By first grade, when I moved into this house, she WAS running the house. I was told by her first grade teacher that she was so highly gifted that she needs to go to a private school..which I couldn’t afford. My aunt told me that she is more like my partner than child and that she has too much responsibility for a child….
At age ten, she did my taxes online! She actually helped me raise the younger ones! She knew how to deal with my middle daughter who had serious sensory problems, OCD…tantrums, etc…SHE could get her out of the house better than me. The younger ones asked HER to take splinters out and help with homework…not me. I used to tell people that even though I don’t have a husband, God gave me a gifted child to help me through life raising 3 kids alone.
If something broke, SHE would fix it. She’s done plumbing, fixed a refrigerator…computers..pianos…anything that breaks..she can fix it. (her socio dad is the same…can fix anything)
Yes, “I” created a monster. And, I didn’t know I was doing it.
I thought I was instilling confidence and love into her that I never got!!!! I overcompensated.
With the two younger ones…I wasn’t able to spoil them as much. I didn’t have funds left after the demanding older one got through with her “needs” for skating lessons, piano lessons…etc. I depended on the older one too much. And, now I am paying for it. It IS so my fault.
As the younger ones got older, they became jealous of her. They started saying that “she gets everything”. They were right. At this point, I couldn’t say no to her.
I created a mess here. All MY doing…without even realizing it. She had a way to manipulate me to get whatever she wanted. Yet, the younger two are more self disciplined and understand that I don’t have the money to give all of them everything. They never “begged” for things or tried to convince me that they “needed” things like she did. SHE is the only one that has a smartphone…while even “I” don’t have one…just a simple old phone that doesn’t even hold a charge!
Ok. Now what? Now that I created this mess…what do I do?
She isn’t a “bad” kid…She is high honors…sings the National Anthem at games…plays and sings piano on stage…is involved in all sorts of activities at school..doesn’t party or drink or smoke. If you met her…you would never take her to be a “runaway”. What runaway goes to school and keeps up with her straight A’s???? She doesn’t fit the profile of a juvenile delinquent. She’s just SPOILED and now has a sense of “entitlement” from a mom who gave her everything she wanted because I felt guilty about her not having a father…and because “I” was so abused and mistreated as a child!!
She texted me last night and said…”You are welcome to come to my “All-Shore” concert tomorrow night. (She competed against 500 singers to get into this high honor, county singing group of 100)
I told her I want to attend it and I also want her to come home. I realize that I have a choice…either let her stay out there…and go crazy worrying about her..or get her home where I know she is safe…and try to turn this around.
I KNOW its not going to be easy to deal with her now. She isn’t going to change overnight. She is NOT going to like the new way I am going to deal with her….not giving her my car to drive places…not letting her keep the smartphone unless she pays for it…etc. Its going to be pure hell and drama here.
But, I have no choice other than to give her permission to live with someone else and still be responsible for her.
I don’t think anyone wants the responsibility of another child in their home…not even the neighbor who does like having her there.
So, this is where I am at. I realize I made mistakes raising my girls. Luckily they are all in high honors classes…get straight A’s…are involved in Drama club at school and aren’t behaviour problems and disrespectful outside of this home.
I know I have to set limits with all of them. And, I am going to stop a lot of my “love-slave” behaviors….(like driving them to school when a bus is right around the corner…like letting them have friends for sleepovers…like catering to them)
There are going to be more RULES here. I know I can’t turn this around overnight…but I am going to try to wean these “new rules” (limits) in slowly…for my OWN sanity.
I am old enough to be their grandmother! I had them at 37, 39, and 40!!! (suicide!….lol) And, I need them to respect me and help me by being more responsible.
I hope its not too late.
I am substitute teaching in the schools in my town. I have to say that I am shocked by the behaviours of 70% of the students! We live in a different world..where you aren’t free to discipline children with any fear. They know (from the internet) …more information than their emotions can handle so young. Their social skills are nil!
I told a 3rd grader to put her feet down off of the chair next to her. She said…”Make me!” THIRD grade!! The kids today will threaten to call CPS if you smack them or threaten them!
When my daughter threatened to call them when she was younger…I handed her the phone and told her I would dial for her….because they would take all of them away from me…and that I would be FREE and HAPPY!!
She never threatened again!
WOWWWWW!!!! We live in a different world.
My only consolation is that they will all turn 18 soon..the oldest one this November…and the other two in one and three years! THEN I will have control to say….If you don’t follow my rules….GET OUT!
It’s sad that our world is changing. The internet is the best thing and the worst thing.
Parenting today is more difficult than ever.
My kids wouldn’t last 1 hour with my mother! They would have probably stabbed her with a knife …
And, gotten aquitted …..
Sad, but true.
I have my work cut out for me.
SO grateful for all of your support here!
2B, I’m glad that you have not resented or thrown away the “hard truths” I have boinked you with….but at the same time, you are going to need some real world support and I hope and pray that you will GET SOME PROFESSIONAL help with turning your home around. It will take you, and your kids, working together.
You have been unfair to your younger kids by picking a “golden child” and she has come to expect this special treatment, to demand this special treatment, and it isn’t fair to eithe ryou, or the other girls.
I think you are getting some insight into what has been going on for 17 years…but if you want to do anything but wait until your girls turn 18 then throw them out, I think you have a short window to do it. YOu do NOT need to wait until they are 18 to set boundaries and rules. You can set boundaries NOW and expect tyhat they will abide by them.
Please get some counseling. (((hugs))))
Thanks Oxy….I think its a good idea to have a professional help me with this now.
I don’t know if the older one will respond to counselling…she may be too far gone. And, I know when she comes home it isn’t going to be easy. She is going to take a “fit” if I say no..and threaten suicide…etc. Manipulate as usual.
Trying to get a 17 yr old “out of control” child, under control is not going to be easy for me. Hopefully it won’t kill me.
At this point, its either take the chance that SHE will kill herself…or that “I” will have a heart attack from stress and die!
I do believe that we are born with our temperaments and certain traits…because she is so much like her father. But, even WILD horses can be tamed if you train them. And, she is a wild horse that I’ve let run wild….and now I have the job to try to tame her.
Is she just a “spoiled” out of control child? Is she rehabilitative? or….Is she too far gone?
God, give me strength!!!!
2BE, I think all parents make mistakes. And I don’t think it’s ever too late to change or to set limits with your kids. you may need a little support because they will probably not like it when you upset the apple cart.
I admire you for raising teens. I think raising kids in this society must be very difficult, and I wouldn’t want to do it. You are definitely going against the norm when you take away cell phones and ipads and so on. I feel that not only are these things unnecessary to being a kid/teen but they are responsible for ADD, lack of social skills, and general rude and antisocial behavior. To teach real values goes against the norm in this society. I don’t think you’re alone in these issues. I hope there is a support group for you with other single moms who are dealing with similar things.
As for you spoiling your daughter, I don’t think you are 100% responsible for her behaviors – genetics and free will choice also play a big part. I know I was the mother in my family – cook, maid, and family therapist. But I don’t have that kind of entitlement complex – more the opposite. If her dad was a spath, she is definitely at risk for being spathy, too. Time will tell if she can be turned around. You can only do your best now and set appropriate limits to restore the balance of power in your family. She doesn’t have to like it, just abide by the rules. If she does things that make you feel afraid of her, I’d definitely get the police involved. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and feel safe in your home.
2B, I definitely think yiou have got your hands full with taming this wild horse that has a “high head” to start with and one that you have allowed to kick and bite and get away with it….so she is going to continue to do what HAS WORKED FOR HER IN THE PAST.
The threats of suicide if she makes them should get her a FREE ride to an inpatient facility in a police car, the FIRST TIME SHE DOES IT….the threat of self harm or harm to others is a reason to lock someone in an inpatient facility….so DO IT. NO “threats” on your part, if you say you will do it, then DO IT. If you set a rule, enforce it.
Take that phone away from her and get her a $14 go phone and put her sim chip in it and it will make calls…and texts, not even pictures. That is all she gets until she gets a job and earns the money for the smart phone. That is what I have and it works fine for phones.
I am glad that you are with me on the PROFESSIONAL help in managing this sort of thing, it is going to be a BIG job, 2B and you will need real world help not just what you can get here, but we will continue to support you, you know that Good luck and keep us posted. Do not respond to her DRAMA RAMA except as a CALM COOL and COLLECTED parent. Let her “hate” you, let her rage, just stand there cool and say “when you are done screaming, we will talk and not until.”
You c an do it!
2B
Stand by your GUNS_ I mean BOUNDERIES.
I too pulled my youngest out of school as the enviroment turned bad and I home educated for 2 years before putting her back into the system.
When I ran from my EX P. the trauma had left me with damaged bounderies and this came through on my parenting. I was ill.
As kids do, they took advantage and when I saw them getting worried about me, I got the strengh to start asserting them again. I also carried an unfair burden that I had left them without a father.I became lax-through no fault of my own as I was assaulted and traumatised. Nothing visual like a bruise.
And I was ill.
So very suddenly I had to jump into the saddle as a single parent of an S and become everything at once. I didn’t even know where to start and I left me behind.
I survived and so did my kids,
My kids-because I was ill due to their spath dad were for the first itime in their life neglected. I just didn’t have the strength to be consistant in my house rules as I was too busy putting food on the table, so years of good parenting was neglected for a while.
It was my middle child that started acting out first and she was really pissing me off. The more pissed off I became- the worse it got. then one night in anger she said ‘ I do everything for you’.
I was astonished that she could come to this conclusion. All she did for me was collect my medicine and take me home with my shopping.
But lately I have dug deeper. In the months after I left her dad I was practically a Zombie. My world had a collapsed when my husband did the BIG REVEAL. And it was then that she took care of her little sister and gave me physical help when I took ill–even taking time off work to do it.
Because of PTSD my mind was not taking this in.
Perhaps I took her too much for granted-but it was unintentional as I was ill.
So part of my healing was to start standing by my guns again when I enforced bounderies.
My childern are a lot happier now. They have their mum back with her own crazy set of rules for living and they feel more secure.
We are thriving
I still can only do it a day at a time–I’m not out of the woods yet.
Me Me Me FIRST
Be Be Be consistant
Elegantly Elegantly Elegantly
Perhaps I will earn this MBE for parenting one day as the woman who stands by her guns.
Everythings gonna be alright
Everythings gonna be alright
No woman no cry.
As a starting point of trying get back to NORMAL-I introduced again and insisted upon was MANNERS. This meant I had to practice what I preached.
I put my MBE badge on and now at least civility reigns.
Progress
Stay strong 2b, In your own words-they don’t drink, smoke or party and are gifted.
I do agree that it is hard to keep then grounded in this day and age. Over here in the UK we have totally inane reality shows from all over the country depicting a really shallow way of living.
Mine are engrossed in it.
To keep them grounded I say to them what was said to me by my gran.
‘They eat and shit like us’
I will be checking in on you to see how you are getting on.
Go ”annie oakley go’
STJ
xxx
Funny, I just watched a special on tv all about Annie Oakley!!
Thank you all for your support.
Had my hair done…feels and looks great
And…going for my walk now.
Taking care of ME…
I’ll keep you all posted on how I am managing.
HUGS HUGS HUGS
STJ,
You are so right MANNERS! Insist that they talk to each other and to you with good manners…please and thank you etc.
Stick by your Guns! If you say it. DO IT. No “threats” that you don’t carry through.
I know it must be terribly hard to have PTSD and to also try to parent children either with a P co-parent or no co parent, as well as keep food on the table and try to heal from the wounds of the psychopath. I have the UTMOST respect for you gals and guys out there trying to raise children in this chaos. I didn’t have children when the worst of my chaos hit, but Ii can only imagine how difficult it must be.
Just take it one day at a time.