By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
‘I get by with little help from my friends’
The Beatles
Happiness today for Milo – “saps arising”, we are boiling and have collected almost 2,000 gallons of sap. Happy times, great smells and tastes. Ah, the little pleasurers in life.
2B – I have to add my last two cents here. You tell of your daughter’s many accomplishments at school and in music. Think about this – the school has strict rules that she must follow to achieve honor grades, the music demands self-discipline to be that good. She followed those rules, she can follow rules you set for her at home too. She may even be waiting for some rules (although you will never hear it from her)
The “wild horse” theory. Take it from an old horse trainer, you do not have a “wild horse”, you have a “sour horse”. A “sour horse” is a horse that although trained, has picked up some bad habits and those habits have not been properly handled by it’s owner/rider/handler. As a trainer, we must FIRST “un-train” the horse of the bad habits, then “re-train” with the good habits. It is much harder to deal with a “sour horse” than a “wild-horse”, it takes patience and persistent and it doesn’t happen overnight.
Everytime I was hired to do this, my number one rule – The “sour horse” MUST stay in my barn, so I could deal with those problems 24/7.
Just a farm girl’s thoughts.
Back to the sweet smell of maple syrup.
Molo
Weird. My youngest has the cold and I have just tempted her tastebuds with some French Toast which we haven’t had in ages and ages.
Wish you could transport some of that Maple syrup to me. Sounds just perfect.
STJ
xxx
Milo,
I had gluten free pancakes this morning. Your description of the maple harvest made my mouth water… mmmmm.
great insight about the horse training. Any tips that can apply to humans? I have lots of bad habits of my own that I’d like to break.
God Weird again
My youngest is the horserider of the family and I have had her involved with the stables working for rides since she was five.
She is now 14.
I can’t afford her own horse but I have cut a deal with these stables to get a full loan in exchange for her getting the horse shoed.
She is delighted cos’ she likes a horse that is a challenge.
Benjy has been out in a field for a year and she said he is unruly. What she has started off with is teaching him manners-a common procedure in the horsey world here.
I am afraid of horses–too big and I wasn’t introduced to them when young. Although a city girl I am a country girl in the imagination.
Just another weird coincidence tonight.
I#l need to ask her what kind of horse he is-but he sounds like a big cheeky sook when she talks about him.
STJ
xxx
Hi Milo
Just checked with my daughter cos’ I was curious.
She is a horse trainer too and quite sought after by people in various stables for help with problem horses.
I described your ‘sour’ horse the way you said it. She had never heard of the term here in the UK–but she said it is what they call a ‘bad mannered horse’ here.
Isn’t that strange.
I think angels are abroad tonight
STJ
xxx
STJ ~ That is so neat that your daughter is a fellow “horsey girl”. Good for her to earn a horse to ride. When you are “horse crazy” there is always a way. I’m sure there in the UK, it’s english riding. I ride mostly western, actually the “working horses”, cutting and reining. I should say I used to, funny thing when you age, the ground gets harder and harder. LOL Now I mostly stick to driving my grandson’s pony in the cart.
I’m surprised she never heard of “sour”, often we say a horse that balks at coming out of the barn, going into a trailer or through a gate as “barn sour”. A horse that develops a bad habit in the show ring, such as shying at an object is “ring or show sour”. It is probably the same, they need a “manners adjustment”.
Wish I could send you all some fresh maple syrup. Grand is back at the sugar house right now boiling hard boiled eggs in the sap. Yummmmm
Sky ~ actually breaking a bad habit in a horse is the same as breaking a bad habit in a human. Replacing the bad habit with a desirable one then REPETITION – PATIENCE – REPETITION – PATIENCE If that doesn’t work, there is always the whip. ONLY KIDDING – please don’t turn me into the “horse whisperer”, that man is scary!!
Milo
I am totally ignorant with horses but my daughter is very mature about them. I love the environment as she mixes with both adults and children and is comfortable around both.
They share a common passion.
It is school horses she works with and we live in Scotland and I really don’t know if it is different from England.
At 10-she wanted to be a horse whisperer
At 12-a horse trainer
And now a horse vet.
I hope she keeps it up-but sadly through the years I have watched numerous girls give it up when they discover the boys and make up.
If I put her on to talk to you I would be in the background as she would discuss horses until she was blue in the face with you. LOL
Anyway
Good night peeps
Bedtime here
STJ
xxx
STJ – happy dreams. Yes, some do move on as the discover boys. I never did, ask my hubby. He is not thrilled by that fact. I try not to let him in the barn, because everytime he discoveres a new horse in there, OH MY.
I think it is a great thing for kids, sure keeps them out of trouble, they have too many important things to do.
Wow, this brings back memories. My parents were fervent horse riders (never owned, but paid for 1-2 hours horse riding a week) … as a toddler I was used to going there and hang around the stables (taught not to stand behind a horse). But when he lost his job and needed to find a new one of course they stopped going. Year later, when I was around 11-12 they started going again, having reconnected with the old horse riding friends. And of course, I was at an age to learn to ride myself (and a young teen girl and horses… it’s true, it’s a fascintation that works).
Swimming and horse riding were the sports I was naturally good at. And I totally loved it! The thing was that at the time insurances did not allow a person under 14 to ride outside (on the street and nature and woods), not even accompanied. And my dad was not taking any risks, so I had to ride horse inside the corrals where they teach people. So, I kept being instructed, eac week again. After a while it was a situation where adults who took classes were beginners and I was the experienced rider (at least in a corral that is). So, they started to give me the sour horses or more troublesome horses (at least in the corral). So, instead of just learning how to ride, I started to learn how to keep a pesky horse in line. There was this horse that was fine for riding outside, but it hated the corral and always tried to step out of line and go to the entrance. I spent an hour in learning first that it was something I should not allow to happen, to try to make her listen to me and then to anticipate the behaviour and prevent it from happening. I remember pure frustration, and thinking I could never do prevent it… but eventually I did. That’s when I started to love to get the ‘difficult’ horses. It wasn’t always that one. It depended on the situation. Only one I didn’t like was one of fjord stock … it had this giant head and would pull for an hour long. I’d have to pull the reins the whole time, against its massive jaw. And a fjord is like a big pony, and has a shorter rhtyhm. Man that horse could get me dead tired. And then there were the rainy days. It was pouring so hard, and I was the sole one there (not even sure whether my parents rode out that day). It was raining so hard I was wearing a rain poncho that I used on the bike. They put me on a horse that usually was the meakest, including in the corral… but it hated riding in the rain. And that day it decided to get so close to the corral barriers, that I had to shift my seat and ended up sliding off and end up in the mud. He managed to do it four or five times. But each time I got on again, and eventually anticipate it and prevent it.
I kinda realize the horse rider stalls used me to break some bad habbits with some horses, and at the same time I learned how to do it, and absolutely loved it.
Unfortunately my dad got laid off about the time I was almost 14 (and would finally be allowed to ride outside), so no more horse riding for a while. By the time I wanted to pick it up again around 18, I had my first back problem (back muscles being cramped) and then they discovered it’s a weak spot… and since regular horse riding is bad for the back, I never did it regular anymore aside from 1 week camp. Now, I just do it when I’m tourleading as one of the activities during trips. Only request I have: the horse might have a personality, but love cantering.
Anyway, what I learned from that is that when you need to break a bad habbit, it requires persistence and anticipation to be ahead of the habbit. Do not be discouraged if you do not see immediate results. Constistency, persistance and anticipation… keep at it, even if you don’t see any changes, and it feels as if you have to rein in and she still persists at it. Either it suddenly works, or it doesn’t.