By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
The Happiness Trap is a great book. It explains how life is NOT always happiness and joy. Its a mix of sorrow and joy.
Once we accept this…we are happier! Good read.
I need advice. I rented the room I built in my garage..which is a matter of survival for me. I interviewed people for months and finally met someone I feel comfortable with. She is great.
I told my oldest daughter…who I built the room for and she is a mess…crying…angry..etc.
I plan to move her into my middle daughter’s room, because she only sleeps in it . The youngest has her own room and just painted it and decorated it.
I was going to give her my master b/r, but I NEED my own space and have lots of closests for my stuff …needed.
She comes home and isolates herself in her room everyday…(has been very unhappy with her “family” since she met her b/f….another story~)
So, I told her she could have the middle daugter’s room and even put her piano in it….its down the hall at the opposite end of the house…so she can have her privacy. Her sister merely sleeps in the room.
She is angry, says she “hates” me…etc.
I don’t know what to do. Bring her to family counselling?
tobehappy, did your eldest daughter know you were interviewing people for months and intended to rent the garage room? Or did she only learn when you found the ideal person?
I think family counseling seems a bit drastic from the bit you tell. It seems to me she’s being a typical teen: bit narcistic, need of her own privacy to feel she has more control over her own life. She probably looked forward to having her own room, where she’d have the freedom to decide where to put her stuff and put up some posters. If she didn’t know you intended to rent it out, this info came to her with such a surprise that she feels her “ultimate chance” to have her own space to have control over has been taken away and resents you for it. I’m not saying this because I think she has a right to that room, or even the right to her own room. She must learn that you can’t always get what you want because of finances, and have to made do with what you got. But there are ways to let her have a feeling of starting to have control over her own life. You’re probably used to making decisions for the family by yourself now, without explanation. Your daughter though is getting at an age where decisions made above her head without even knowing it is going to make her feel resentful. While of course she’s too young to make financial decisions for you, her sisters and for herself… she’s getting old enough to be included in the process, or informed about it, so that she has time to readjust the plans she’s making in her own head about her life.
A minor example would be: let’s say she made some plans to see a friend or bf within the appropriate times she’s allowed to have to herself. And then all of a sudden you inform her you planned to go somewhere with the whole family and she must go too. This plan crosses her own plans. More, you’ve been planning this family outing for say a month already but kept it quite to keep it a surprise. She feels trapped and unable to make use of her time the way she would like to and resents you for it. She comes along on the trip, but spoils the whole surprise day by being snappy, moody, pouting and reclusive.
The way to avoid such an incident is by informing her of your plans much earlier, include her in the surprise. It gives her the room to adjust her agenda and plan things without interfering with each other.
I think getting her involved more will solve more than dragging her to family counseling for having feelings that are pretty normal for her age. You don’t need to defend yourself or even give her a decision power. But just by giving her info ahead, before the other children, might give her enough sense of self-control over her time and plans to not making her resentful about it anymore. For the garage it would have helped if you told her that you intended to rent it out after you decided you needed to do it. You might even got her involved in the renting process of meeting the possible renters. She might not have initially liked it at all, but she’d have time to get over the feeling and even feel some control by being part of the process in selecting who gets to have ‘her’ room.
What’s going on with the bf?
2B,
I can’t remember how old this daughter is….and she obviously feels that the space you rented was “hers” (or is using this as an excuse if you don’t like the BF)
I think there is more going on with her than just you renting out the room.
You can’t appease her if she doesn’t want to be appeased…no matter what room you give her.
You might point out to her that if you lose the house because you couldn’t rent the room that the SHELTER wouldn’t give her much option on what bed they’d let her sleep in.
I do think some family counseling might be a good idea…your kids have been through a lot and with the teenage stuff going on I think maybe it might help. Doubt it would hurt. Might give you some support. And Yes, you deserve and Need the master suite…and by the way, the MOM and the HOME OWNER’S mantra
MY HOUSE, MY RULES.
“The happiest people dont necessarily have the best of everything: they just make the best of everything they have.”
Hens,
I remember a post you made a while ago. It made an impact on me. I told my older sister, my friend on the blog I’m on said “I have gas in my truck and ice cream in the fridge, I’m happy” So simple, yet soooo true. I’m content like that too.
Hens, you are so right my friend! Making the BEST of what we have is so true…I just finished reading a book about people who scrap the iron out of old ships, they live in a place in India called Alang. They are on SLOW STARVATION because the work they do burns so many calories and the wages they get is not enough to fund as many calories as they burn up each day working so they get thinner and thinner and eventually so weak they can’t work, then finish starving to death.
I got to thinking as I was reading this book, and these conditions are recent, not last century, how fortunate I am…here I sit in my warm robe, after a dinner of more calories than I needed even after a day of pretty hard work, with two sides of meat hanging in the shed ready to be cut up tomorrow and I am so wealthy compared to those unfortunate men, and yet, as awful as their work is, without it they would starve sooner. Greenpeace and other organizations are trying to stop this ship breaking because these men are exposed to toxins etc. but without it, they would die sooner of starvation. What a catch 22 they are in.
How fortunate I am,, how fortunate we all are…so I vote we all appreciate the wonderful blessings that we have and find joy in the smallest things that make our lives wonderful. TOWANDA!!!!
Ana ~! I have a full tank of gas but no icecream, well I better get to the store before it closes, hmmm homemade vanilla or milk chocolate?
Yes Ox the world is full of tragedy, specially for that poor little critter hangin in your shed.
Hens!
ANY type of chocolate chip!! Go get it!
Regarding happiness, I really felt like I was turning a corner when a few different things started happening. The main thing was that I started really caring for people – and not in a people-pleasing way but in a genuine way. And feeling like I wanted to do more to help people. This change has occurred in the last few years, but especially in the last 6 months. When I started even caring for people I didn’t care for very much like some people at work. When I’m feeling down, and I’m able to feel happy just be thinking happy thoughts. And most recently, when I didn’t feel the need for therapy anymore, and I’d rather be at the gym doing Zumba than going to a counseling appointment. When little annoying things people do don’t bother me so much, or when I can let go of them pretty quickly. And when I am suddenly attracting a lot of really really nice people into my life.
Sounds good to me, Star…if that ain’t happiness I’m not sure what would be.