By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
Oxy ~ I’m sure you can relate – like anything else in farming, you better love what you are doing, because you sure are not going to make any money at it. We always say, it’s expensive to live the simple life. LOL
Milo, Yea, “it is EXPENSIVE to live the simple life” LOL Since I rented out the pasture to the folks with the high dollar horses, it helps me….I only have a few head of livestock and THEY furnish the feed (hay) for them and put it out, fix the fences, furnish a bull for my cows, and all that kind of thing, so actually I don’t have to put out the labor and the money for the place any more…or mow weeds and all that and they keep it up pretty well.
It is actually cheaper though to BUY organic chicken at $7+ per pound than to raise it with the price of feed so high…and the ducks that Henry and I co-parent, I figure each egg costs $3-5 (that is EACH!) but I like the duckies so it is worth it to me. LOL
I can’t even imagine how much wood or fuel it takes to cook down 2,000 gallons of juice into 18 gallons of syrup, to say nothing of the time to tap them, and stir it all….you’d probably be better off to go buy it than to try to produce it. LOL Yep, I can relate.
There is something in the satisfaction though, of doing it yourself, of knowing the meat you ate before it was meat.
Hey Everyone…..
I went to see my daughter’s concert last night because she invited me…”You are welcome to come see me” was her text.
So, my 2 other daughters and I drove up and after we waited for her to come to the lobby where they were meeting with their parents. I texted her to ask if she was driving home with us. She answered “NO”. Didn’t thank us for coming and then snubbed us when we walked up to her and her friends to say hello.
So, we left and she said she was staying at her bf’s house when I asked via text.
Today I asked if she was coming home and she said “NO”…usually one word answers.
I asked what her plans were and she said she had none but does not want to come home and has some friends who invited her to live with them.
I said…”Fine..as long as they sign a paper with my permission and assume responsibility for her while there”.
She said “Ok”.
I think she is embarrassed to come back and has too much PRIDE. She is still angry that I rented her room out and was even angry at me before I did. So, I don’t know where she is going to live.
When she said …”Ur kids didn’t say hi to me in school”…I almost died. Not, “MY sisters….” UR KIDS??????
She doesn’t even look the same…..
I don’t know what is happenning to her…
Dear 2B,
SHE is establishing HER BOUNDARIES and “putting you in your place” as she is doing her best to manipulate and control you.
You have extended your hand AGAIN and she has spit in your eye.
I hope you have made an appointment for you and your younger daughters to see a counselor and therapist. I doubt that the older dtr will go, but I think YOU need to work on YOU and mending fences with your younger daughters.
You can only do what you can do…and she has “free will” to make her own choices. She will be 18 in a few months anyway, so she will have to learn to take her lumps. Not everyone will be willing to provide for her needs and desires. I see she has made up with her BF since the neighbor won’t be there so she can stay crashed there. Sounds like she is “couch surfing” or “bed surfing” for her place to stay. Pack her shiat up and put it on the porch. Turn off the phone again. Where it can’t be turned back on.
2b – your oldest sounds just like my sister. the narcissist.
Hi 2b,
Your oldest sounds just like my sociopath niece. My sister took her of facebook, took her phone away, computer etc.
guess what..she still had all those things without my sisters help. Please listen to Oxy and cut her off completely.
My sister and brother in law have gone thru hell raising two children who are not their own. When the oldest was 18 and the youngest was 16 they ganged up on my bil and tried to beat the crap out of him. This resulted in the oldest one moving out. The younger one called CPS and said my bil beat her. LOL
CPS of course believed every lie out of her mouth. The CPS person was about 23 yo. Pullleeezzze. SOOOO, after another year of torture from this kid. She FINALLY got a part time job at a super market. She came home one night and told my sister “don’t lock the door, I’m going out”
My sister said “on a school night at 10 pm?” The little sociopath said “NO, I’m leaving for good” My sister said she couldn’t unlock the door fast enough! GOOOD for her I say. We had such nice holidays with her out of the pic.
She is doing everything your daughter is doing and then some. She’ll sleep with anyone who ask’s her. She doesn’t care about ANYONE except herself and she never will. She uses everyone to be able to stay on their couch/bed. Whatever she can get from people…total user.
OH, The two of them NEVER saw my sister/bil drunk, use drugs, hit each other none of that. But, their parents both drug addicts/alcoholics/sociopaths have done all that in front of them. I tell you it is in their genes. My sister got custody of them when they where 4 and 6! I can’t express how much you should just cut her off. You think she will ‘do without’ NOT she WILL find someone to get what she needs. WHO DOES THAT???
I only respond because it triggers me and I can see the same pattern with your kid. She is running the show. God Bless you and your other daughters.
2B, I think it was nice of you to go see her performance. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you can’t love her and be civil. She will eventually learn to emulate you if you show consistency.
Or not.
Skylar,
NO she will not improve or be civil even if 2b shows good behavior! She will get worse. She invites them to her show then treats them like crap. Once 2b cuts off her phone, she’ll be no effen good! Rotten mother! But, you bet your rear end she’ll get a phone and let 2b know she got one. They are sooo draining.
Oh, yeah I forgot to mention my sister has two bleeding ulcers from the worry and bil has high blood pressure. Their health has suffered. But not hers…she just keeps on truckin baby. She’s already been booted out of one of the places she parked herself…on to the next one. That’s just in the last three months LOL.
Ah, to watch a budding sociopath grow, such a joy! They are the same at 17, 18 yo as they are at 40, 50, 60.
My sister and bil have NC with both kids. It’s done them a world of good. My sister can finally sleep through the night, not worrying where she is, is she coming home etc. You CANNOT control them!
Oxy,
I guess I was trying to be encouraging.
I will qualify that to say, “I hope that she will eventually learn to emulate you.”
Ana,
I do think she should cut off the phone. What I mean is that there is no reason to behave vindictively or spitefully. 2B’s behavior should be based on what is right and fair. She needs to stop treating the oldest as special but she can still love her as much as she does her other daughters. No need to add fuel to the fire with emotional outbursts.