By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
Dear Fantasy Island,
Welcome, glad you are here, but let me bluntly comment on a couple of your sentences.
Darling you ARE living on FANTASY island—I don’t know what you call “abuse” but continual lying is my definition of ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR, and HAVING ANN AFFAIR is my deffinition of ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR…you have a lying cheater and you don’t see this as ABUSIVE?
Educate yoursellf about abuse, read here and know that KKNOWLEDGE IS POWER, this man is an abuser, and if you hang on to him he is what? going to quit being a liar and a cheat? I doubt it. You need him like a hole in your head. Dump his miserable arse to the curb! Again, welcome! God bless.
I suggest that you read the articles here in the archives and learn about psychopaths then learn about healing. It works. God bless and again, welcome.
2B,
You said when I learned about Sociopathy on this site, a few years back”I said to myself—Omg, it sounds like my daugher!—
Then you said “I still feel shocked that this is happenning. I still blame it on her b/f’s influence on her”.that has changed her over the past year.”
Okay, you SAW IT “a few years ago” and it is the same now, but you are blaming it on the boy friend’s influence over the past YEAR?
Sounds to me like you have had this problem(s) with her for years and have been trying to appease her for that period of time by giving her everything she wants out of guilt because you didn’t get those things as a kid (and neglecting your other kids to do it) and NOW she is throwing the BIG fit because of the BF? Nah, 2B this is NOTHING NEW FOR THIS KID–SHE’S BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS…she is practiced at manipulating you and you are practiced at DENYING what she is, and you have led a merry dance trying to make this kid satisfied with what you do for her…and no one is ever going to be able to keep up with her desires. She may be pretty and talented but she thinks that makes her ENTITLED to be lady Gaga or Madonna and have the world jump to her beck and call.
I hope you can get to a counselor soon, because Ii think you’ve got some fence mending to do with your other girls, and some issues on your “guilt” trips….I can tell you it is not a good way to “travel” a “guilt pass” on someone else’s behavior makes US have a ROUGH TRIP!!@.......! (((hugs)))
2B ~
I know you are in shock and I know your heart is breaking and I am so sorry. I almost don’t feel like my comments are “support” and I do so want to support you, but I can see where this is possibly going so I’ll give my opinion one last time.
She invited you to that concert so she could do exactly what she did to you, rub your nose in the dirt.
1) – Stop trying to diagnose her. Right now, it does not matter if she has spath characteristics or she is being influenced by her b/f or she is spoiled. It is her BEHAVIOR that must be dealt with.
2) – Get her home!!! If it takes another trip to the police station, a informational call to DCF, whatever it takes, she is not where YOU WANT HER TO BE. You are responsible for her actions. Find out what exactly you can do to FORCE her home and do it.
3) – Set the rules, if she does not follow them, do what you must do so that she will. Find out what your options are, so you are prepared.
If you don’t 2B, you could find yourself sitting in a court room, whether it be JV or Family, listening to a Judge rip you apart for not taking responsibility of you minor child. If that Judge should feel that you can not or will not take that responsibility for your child, they can put her in a foster home or residential setting and YOU will have to PAY for her to be there in the way of support.
And make no mistake about it, not knowing for sure where she is and what she is doing is exactly what they will consider as neglect.
You said, “I don’t know what to do next”. You do know, it is just that you know if you do it, she will raise holy hell and she will. Just, please think of the alternative I have outlined.
I am sorry I have been so blunt and I won’t “bug” you again because you know your daughter better than anyone and these are “almost impossible” decisions you are faced with.
My prayers are with you.
Milo and 2B I agree.
Fantasy Island,
I agree that your problem is that you don’t recognize abuse when it is happening. He has asked you to change your boundaries from a monogamous relationship to one in which he gets to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. And you agreed? ok.
He purposely included those emails because he wants to triangulate you with his girlfriend. He wants you and her to fight over him. HE WANTS DRAMA. HE’S A PSYCHOPATH.
He is NOT a nice person. That is the veneer that they wear so that you will allow him to continue abusing you RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE and not even notice.
Do you know how to boil a live frog? Slowly. Put it in a pan of cold water and set it to low heat. As the water warms up the frog acclimatizes to the heat. When it reaches boiling, the frog will never have noticed the increase in heat, even as it boils to death.
You’ve been boiling for a while now.
I’ve been reading “The Gift of Fear”. The author says that many women who have been abused have their fear mechanism dulled. He gives an example of a woman who calls a shelter hotline to ask about a place to stay. The hotline asks her, “Are you in danger NOW?”
The woman says, “No.”
As they continue talking, she explains that her husband is in the next room with a gun.
The woman did not consider herself in immediate danger because he wasn’t currently pointing it at her. She was so accustomed to violence that she no longer perceived it as danger.
Your perceptions are off, Fantasy. Good name BTW, it’s your subconscious trying to tell you something. You desperately need to get help before you are too far gone. This guy is EXTREMELY manipulative.
Fantasy Island,
You had me at “a bit more than a year ago he revealed that he had been having an affair. It was difficult but we worked out an unconventional path…”
Why were you not outraged at his betrayal? Even if you are okay with an open relationship, which I doubt you are, the fact is he lied to you and betrayed you. Where is your rage over this?
And yes, if someone could lie to you about another relationship, it would come to reason that he is lying to her too (and whomever else he’s sleeping with). A person typically doesn’t say to someone they want to cheat with, “Hi, I’m happily in a monogamous relationship. My partner doesn’t know about you. So what do you say? Want to have a go?” NO, they will typically have a long saga about how their partner treats them badly. It’s called the pity play. Sociopaths use this to the max – it’s how they get their victims.
There is something wrong here – your outrage at the betrayal is absent. Sounds like you don’t even realize you were betrayed.
Thanks so much for everyone’s support.
I got a call from my wireless service provider. They notified me this morning of “overages” since I changed the data plan for internet usage on the phone and told her not to use it.
Well, she texted me back…with threats. She said that I am an “unfit” mother and that I “better put the expanded plan back on or shut it off and she would pay for the extra 15 dollars a month! She said its “the food you don’t have to buy me!” OMG!
I told her that I am shutting off the phone. I did. I contacted the neighbor/mom and told her what was going on. She texted her and told her to stop the threats and talk to me later. I contacted the school to report that she threatened to leave school today and go far away, “out of state” and never talk to me again.
The threats were that she is filing “neglect” charges and that I am insane and unfit…and I can’t afford 3 kids…(‘face it” she said) and that she will never talk to me again. this is before I shut the phone off.
So, I doubt she will come to talk to me tonite as the neighbor suggested.
She won’t be happy until she gets her way…and the threats are awful.
I can’t believe this!
2B it is “interesting” that you “can’t afford 3 kids” BUT you can afford the bigger internet plan for HER phone. LOL
Also I suggest that if you have not yet contacted child protective services that you do so IMMEDIATELY…as she WILL try to carry out this threat, even if you contact first at least you will get to fire the first shot. Contacting the school is a good move too.
The threats she is making are to punish you for not giving into her demands so she is going I think to pull off anything she can think of to “get even” with you.
She has gotten her way in the past by threats, guilt and intimidation….she isn’t going to change now, but she will RAMP IT UP because she knows if she ramps it high enough you will give in….you always have.
If there any way you can file charges against this boy for having sex with her? Can you file a petition with the court to have her declared out of control and the state take control of her and put her into a theraputic foster care home? I would give those a try if they would work in your state. It may not help her if she doesn’t want to be helped but at least she should be safe and you’d be off the hook if something happens to her.
Oxy,
She means that 2B can’t afford 3 kids raised in the style to which she is accustomed… Lol.
2B, I don’t think it’s a good idea to react with emotions. Emotions are her weapon of choice. Don’t play that game where the threats escalate. She will play chicken to win.
Have the police bring her home to talk to you. Then calmly discuss her options. She can be emancipated if she can support herself or she can live with you by your FAIR rules and that includes going to therapy.
Her phone plan – the basic one, not the smart phone – can be dependent on her attending therapy. There are other things you provide for her which you can use as enticement.
The ONLY weapon she has 2B is her hook into your emotions. TAKE THAT AWAY. Show her NO EMOTIONS and no emotional reactions such as outrage or threats. When you say you will do something, make sure it is something that you WILL follow through with. No empty threats and don’t let her change your mind.
2B, I agree with Skylar on this….no empty threats and show her that you can get the cops to bring her home….but NO emotional outbursts, NONE, so maybe get a third party to stand in, someone from CPS maybe. But do not let little miss priss run the show!