By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
I have been emotionally drained all night. She came out of her Drama club and walked past my car with a g/f and didn’t look my way. I drove her sister home.
I texted the neighbor and asked if she was there. She said…”Yep, she’s here.”. I didn’t answer her yet.
I am too drained to even talk to her. She won’t come home anyway. She’s really mad that I shut her phone off. Oh well….I’m not paying for a phone for her if she doesn’t live here and have any respect for me.
Guess what? I checked the phone records. She is talking to her father in FLA!!!!!!
She told me last year that she “hates” him and is going to get a gun and shoot and kill him someday.
I kept telling my friends/support systems…”I feel like I am going through the same hell now as I did with her socio father”
No wonder! He is coaching her!!!! He made so many threats…said I was “unfit” and “incompetent” …etc.
Same thing..different year…different body!
I am drained from the abuse.
At this point, I don’t even want her to come home! OMG!!!
I cancelled my debit card and bought locks for my room door.
I just can’t believe that I have to deal with another abuser who is twisting things, lying, and threatening me.
I don’t want to talk to her tonight.
Tobe, threatening to shoot and kill someone is a serious accusation. I wonder if the police should be aware of this. Sounds like more that normal teenage stuff. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I hope she wouldn’t hurt your cat to get back at you.
2B,
This is a whole new ballgame when she involves her socio father.
That is the ultimate betrayal.
Maybe it is time you let her go.
Maybe you can get her emancipated so you don’t have to be responsible anymore.
Dear 2B, I am soo sooo sorry that you are going through this rinse and repeat…and yea, she has the best COACH of all….the P sperm donor. (head shaking here)
I hope that tomorrow morning you will contact an attorney ASAP you get your butt out of bed and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. There is no sense us telling you what you should do until you know what you HAVE TO DO, or don’t have to do, or what sources you have for help from “the system” are.
This little princes is ramping up to be the queen bee (she thinks) and her sperm donor is having a ball telling her how to mess with your mind.
There may be some hope for her, but I doubt that there is much hope for her, I’m sorry to say.
Change the locks on your doors or put something in front of the door so she can’t get it without making a racket at least. Get your car re-keyed as well….and get a locking gas cap or make sure it is garaged where she can’t get to it to put sugar in the tank or something along that line. This is WAR and you might as well realize that because she has declared it for sure…and I’m like sky, the threats to get a gun and shoot him while maybe not serious at the time show a mind set that she will do whatever it is that she wants to get control or revenge. BE SAFE! God bless. (((hugs)))
Thanks Oxy! Funny you said that. I heard noises outside and I actually thought she was wiring up my house to record me! OMG…just like walking on eggshells with her Sdad.
He wired my house and car before our separation!
Yes, I am wiping my hands clean of her now.
She emailed me and addressed me as 2b, not “MOM”
She said that since I turned off her phone she will email me daily to let me know that she is staying in my backyard at her friends.
I”m done. I”m not contacting the police or anyone.
She can live there and I am not supporting her.
DONE
2b,
Wow, yup, she’s getting spath coaching for sure now.
While I think it’s good that you can make a decision about her at this moment from an emotional point of view (be done with her). I do think that it’s important to use your wits.
She is still a minor, and under your custory officially. If she’s being coached by her spath father, then it’s even more important than ever before that you acquire evidence that you are doing what is in your power to be a legal custodian over her until she’s 18. How you deal with these last months can always be used against you otherwise with regards to your other 2 daughters.
a) GET LEGAL ADVICE, regarding emancipation of a minor, and get documentation of every action you take to ensure you are doing what society expects you to do as a guardian, as far as your legal responsibilities go. You don’t need to do this to get her back home, or “win” her back… Perhaps you don’t even need to convince her to come back home. But you must do what is legally responsible FOR YOURSELF and your 2 other daughters, so that it can never be said before a court that you turned your daughter out on the street while she was a minor. If you do nothing now, you can be sure that your ex-spath will use it against you with regards the custody of your youngest daughters. Are you willing to risk your other daughters, because you feel betrayed by your eldest?
b) go to therapy for yourself and your other daughters. You need to repair the relationships there, And at least that is evidence that you are doing whatever you can to prevent this from happening again.
Darwin…
Thank you for your support. I can tell you that Nov can’t come quick enough! 18!!!
I NEVER in a zillion years thought that this would happen to my family. I worked so hard to give my girls above and beyond what a single mom could do…raised them in a newer home on the lake, in a great area, with beaches and bikes and good schools!
And, the one and only thing I was proud of in my entire life, is that I was able to work and provide the best life for my girls…much better than my own life!
People are amazed at what I’ve done to raise 3 honor students ….all gifted and talented. We have 2 pianos, 3 guitars, and they wear good clothes and noone would ever know that they were raised by a struggling single mom.
To have the oldest, who got all the piano lessons…trips to NY for auditions, (which costed me 100 dollars a shot), etc, etc…do this to me is just shocking.
Ok, I wouldn’t mind if she said, “look, I don’t want to follow your rules (about b/f’s sleeping over, etc..) so I am going to stay with my g/f (in my backyard)…etc..
BUT, she is calling me bipolar, insane, unfit….etc…and threatening to take me to court and lose my other two!!
This is shocking and heartbreaking.
My 45 yr old brother is going for heart surgery tomorrow because his selfish daughter has driven him to this! (Had a baby with an abuser who she keeps running back to!)
Well, I am not doing this. At this point, I KNOW I am responsible for her, but in NJ, there is little to do to bring her back under my supervision! If the police bring her back, she will just run off again.
So, before I go through all of the legal things…I am going to give myself a rest from it all…and not contact her. Let her email me as she did yesterday to let me know where she is.
I will speak to an attorney today about what to do.
2B, I applaud you for working to provide your girls with the material things of life, and I’m glad that they have made use of the talents they have in school and with music…but even with all of those things, “you can lead a horse to water….” and this daughter apparently admires her P sperm donor.
I am glad that you are going to speak with an attorney today.
((((((((((((((((((((( tobe )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Wow. Just wow. I’ve been reading about your situation and the more I read, the more I relate and feel so much for you. I’m so incredibly sorry that you’re going through this. It is excrutiatingly painful and I wouldn’t wish it on any parent.
I have one child I definitely believe is borderline. She is my 25 year old with my two grandchildren. This last year with her has been an intense nightmare. She has used her children as weapons against me. Provokes arguments, fights, and it could be anything that raises her ire at me. Exploitation, threats and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I NC’d her, even though this was so painful because I love my grandchildren dearly. Some say I should have put up with her so I could see my grandchildren. But then I began to realize that this back and forth stuff for them, was unhealthy too. I would be allowed to be close to them, then I’d inevitably do something to piss her off, and then the kids would be taken away again, just when I’m building a relationship AGAIN with them and feeling like it’s safe too. I began to realize this was purposeful. I’ve also seen abusive behavior towards my granddaughter since my grandson was born. It has killed me to see her mother speak to her the way she does and I watch this child’s face literally fall in pain. My daughter is repulsive, disgusting and not something I want anywhere near me again. I’ve cut contact with her all around. But the pain of not having my grandchildren is beyond what I can describe as well as worrying for their emotional safety.
When I posted her last, I was having issues with Junior whom I thought might have some P traits. Things went from bad to worse with him. He was so drug/alcohol addicted, was losing weight, vomiting everyday, I called the state children’s services to find out what to do, my health insurance only covered inpatient treatment and unless he were in trouble with the law, there wasn’t much I could do. Children’s services hands were tied yet I was responsible for this child? It is amazing to me that you can’t get the assistance for your kid when you need it, when you’re BEGGING for it yet the threat looms that YOU’RE responsible if the child is under 18. So my son got sicker and sicker, more and more abusive. I found out that he was dealing drugs one day from a neighbor. This was the blessing in disguise. So I got up early in the morning before he was to go to school, went through his backpack and BINGO! Five bags of marijuana and a huge prescription bottle crammed with it. I called the police while he was still sleeping. They came and arrested him under a felony charge for distribution. He underwent quite a painful detox in juvie. He was then sent to boys and girls aid and to stay with a foster parent through their program until he could be put into what is called “drug court” in our county. It’s an extremely intensive 7 month treatment program. The alternative to this, is jail for ten years. He opted for the drug court option. What is happening now is that he is getting much needed therapy, as is the family. They have a required parents support group I attend weekly while he attends his groups twice weekly. He has a tracker to answer to and court in front of the judge every other week, school, community service, you name it. He has gained 25 pounds, his attitude has changed, although he’s still occasionally mouthy, but the removal of the drug issue not only saved his life, but may also have been what contributed to his “P” behavior. A full psych. eval is in the near future where personality disorders will be assessed, such as conduct disorder. I think he’s too young to be diagnosed psychopath yet. But we shall see. Perhaps intervention will help this child. I’m hopeful now, where before I was not.
But this is not the case with daughter. I had to let her go. She is vindictive and unkind. She uses people to her advantage.
TOBE, I want to share something here that I’m picking up when I’ve read your posts. Providing for your children with an emphasis on things, talents and gifts, is great. But like Oxy said, you can’t lead a horse to drink, ya know? It’s a misnomer that those that are “poor” and single can’t accentuate the talents, gifts and educational pursuits of their children. Four of my six have and are doing really well in life. Hopefully number five will, number two is no hope at all.
It’s more than that tobe. It’s much deeper than any of that. I think many of us as parents do our best with whatever tools we have to raise our children. Sometimes this doesn’t mean much when you’ve been raised in a pathological home. If we as parents do not have a personality disorder, and we have empathy, then we do our best to provide for our children under the guise of “I will NEVER be what my parents were to me”, or “My children will have far better than what I have” then we carry that into our parenting and unintentionally,we hurt them anyway.
I spoiled my second borderline child. Badly. I saw that she was born a sensitive child. She was highly reactive as a toddler and her father was mercilessly abusive to her, so I made up for it by NOT disciplining her the way I should have. I am to blame for her lack of empathy towards others, ironically, in giving her TOO much empathy from me. I was afraid to hurt her and in doing so, hurt her far more and those around her, had I not spoiled her. This also hurt my other children as well. My older girls felt that pain of my prioritizing my daughter and giving her the best. They definitely did not get half out of me that she did. I don’t know that she wouldn’t have been borderline anyway, but the sorrow and pain I carry because of that is huge now. I’m working in therapy on my own traumas now and see how they have played out on my children. Family therapy is helping my other children heal by sharing with me how I hurt them. It has been very painful, but with all the purging, it has also brought us much closer.
I’m learning about boundaries now with my children. This is particularly helpful with junior and his issues. But I have had to face the reality that one of my children is lost to me forever, as well as the grandchildren who are dear to me. Taking responsibility for that is, strangely, almost a relief, even if very painful.
Tobe, it might be wise for you to seek therapeutic services for yourself and your wounds, as well as the wounds to your other children for the emotional neglect they have experienced with the spoiling of this other child. You will find this very painful, but so rewarding in the end. Letting your child go is wise and turning your focus to yourself and the other children left that love and need you, is the best thing you could do right now.
God Bless.
LL
LL, I commend you for calling the police and getting your son into the program that hopefully will benefit him. IF he is going to learn from it, he WILL, if not, he’ll just hate you for it and blame your calling the cops on the fact that 40 years later he’s still in prison for more crimes. LOL (like my son Patrick is) But some can be helped and will grab at the opportunity to do so. Good luck with him. I hope he is one.
I also commend you on the NC with your daughter who is abusive. You can’t change her and you cant’ protect the kids either. It’s a shame, but accepting it is all we can do. Not easy though. I’m glad you are taking advantage of the therapy to make some changes in your own life as well. God bless.