By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
Well Sky,
I had lunch with the neighbor boy today. He was charming and personable, gave me a hug and would not let me pay for the meal. And he did not put out the slightest romantic/sexual vibe. Yet he still wanted to go to the gym with me later. So I’m just as confused as I was before. But I noticed my own feelings. I woke up anxious this morning about the lunch and felt a lot of fear and anxiety during the lunch (fear of rejection, of him being out of my league, etc). At one point he mentioned he went to Bangkok last year and had a fantastic time. I mentioned prostitutes and he smirked and said yeah, he had a great time there. This triggered all kinds of fears and insecurities in me. But at the same time, he is very sensitive and really takes an interest in the other person – he asked me all kinds of questions about my life and seemed genuinely happy for my trip to Costa Rica. He also mentioned that I should come with him to a recital he’s teaching (guitar) for on Friday. It’s his first and he’s nervous. He is treating me like a good friend. I can’t tell if he just feels guilty for how he’s hurt me, or if he genuinely likes me, or if he’s just being polite. Time will tell. Musicians are so weird.
I feel very very guarded and scared to open up to him. I don’t know if I ever will. Being with him triggered me into some old pain. I have an appointment with a healer tomorrow to see if I can clear some of this. He is such a teacher for me – he has no idea. But the lesson is very painful. I feel very drawn to his energy but painfully and neurotically scared of being vulnerable with him and letting him see my pain. He reminds me of all the guys I used to like when I was in high school whom I thought I’d never had a chance with. I felt so much shame back then because of the family I came from. One day at a time. I am going to the gym alone tonight. I won’t call him like he asked me to.
2B,
You sound very angry now, and I understand why you would be angry at her threats….
Even if she recorded you don’t let her threats scare you. I would call the police this evening but be sure that you are more calm when you call them….it is important that you don’t come off like “the crazy mom” but let her appear like the “crazy” kid….which she will I have no doubt.
Also you might point out to the parents of these other kids that they are not allowed to take over your child at will.
I would cut off her cell service as soon as possible….immediately if possible. You are not obliged to provide your daughter with cell phone service…only a place to sleep, clothing, and other necessary items….and that doesn’t include rides to NYC for auditions….or a college education for her to blow off partying or cutting classes.
Again though I strongly suggest that you get some professional counseling for yourself and for your daughter if she will cooperate at all. If not, get some for yourself. Going through such a time right now is going to make you “crazy” without some good support…believe me I’ve been there with Patrick and I WAS as CRAZYEEEEEEE as a sheet house rat! I didn’t get professional counseling and I know in hind sight I should have. ((hugs)))
Star , I am gonna stick my big nose in here.. Personally I think you desire an intimate relationship with him because you have been somewhat obsessed with him for so long, and you do fear rejection. I think this guy like’s you and finds you interesting and fun but does not want anything more than friendship. I would keep the friendship lite and fun and save the heavy stuff for a therapist. Dont scare him off by exposing your raw emotions and fears..I have done that in the past and people just dont want to hear it when there is really nothing they can do other than being there and being a friend. Stimulating conversation is great, but if you enjoy his company ‘ as a friend ‘ dont spill your guts…
2bhappy – HUGZ – I am so happy my son’s are 34 and 36…I remember some ruff times when they were teenage assholes, but it has all worked out…
Star,
I agree with Hens but for different reasons.
It’s a great thing that you are observing YOURSELF and you own emotions here. Because in the end we cannot control anyone else but ourselves.
He still makes you nervous. That means he still has power over how you feel. Your goal is to be the only one who has power over how you feel. I think that, as victims of spaths, that is the goal we are all striving for here, so being intuned to our reactions and observing our emotions is critical.
I know that your wish is to be yourself, and to be authentic. That will come in time, when your “self” is less vulnerable and less afraid. When your self is more solidified. Meanwhile, as Henry said, it is also our responsibility to respect other people’s boundaries. If he doesn’t want to be emotionally intimate, then you can’t force it or make him feel bad about it. He may just be someone for whom sex is not about emotions at all. That’s his problem and not your responsibility.
As good looking as he is, you are way out of his league in the looks+brains department. (you know that’s true or you wouldn’t keep referring to him as “the neighbor BOY”.) His previous behavior makes me think that he wanted to bring you down a peg. Don’t let him.
I like that you see him as a teacher – that’s awesome.
From Travis Vinings post on gratitude and miracles
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/01/25/gratitude-miracles/
Oxy,
I AM angry. She is threatening to have my other two children taken away from me now!
I cannot wait until she is 18 in November.
She is a sociopath like her father!
He SHOCKED me when he called Dyfs and the police on me three times!
I noticed a change in her when she was 13! She is a selfish lying manipulative little b@tch!
I cannot believe that this cute little girl grew up to be just like her father!
I mentioned it a few years back when I first found LF…that I was worried about her being a sociopath.
I was right.
Her sisters hate her and she has very little close friends. She uses people and isn’t a true friend.
Her bf walks into my home and doesn’t even say hello to anyone…goes straight to her room and closes the door.
NO friggin respect. And I was afraid to say anything!
I wish she would move out. She has my permission.
Do I still have to support her?
Thanks, hens and sky, I gleaned a lot of wisdom from both your posts. I feel like I walked into a fire. I got all kinds of things triggered. But it’s all good. I’m going to get through it and learn something from it. I think just having the imaginary conversations with him helps me to process the feelings. But you’re right, henry, I’m not gonna do it with him. I don’t think it will have any good outcome. He is not interested in this stuff. It’s just odd how he keeps reaching out to me. I wonder if he feels some guilt that he hurt me last year, so he’s trying to backtrack and be a good friend? I was supposed to take him to lunch today. But he would not let me touch the check. We fought over the check, but he insisted on paying. Another act of kindness.
I feel a little discouraged that I have been doing so well for such a long time. Then this happens, and I feel this dark, horrible pain like I did growing up. I sometimes wonder if I will ever plod through all of it. It seems so endless at times. Relationships are such great mirrors. I really do regard him as a very powerful teacher for me.
Star,
the biggest mistake I ever made was projecting my own feelings onto other people’s behavior. It SEEMS like it would work, but it never does. People have all kinds of reasons for what they do.
I think a lot of it is fear. I just read a book called “Fear of Life”, recommended to me by a friend. I think you would get so much out of it. The bioenergetics society sells it but they are non-profit, so you might be able to get it for free if you ask.
Star, I dropped in last night and read your post. Then fell asleep writing an answer. (Too long as usual.)
Have you ever noticed that, whenever we think we’ve learned a lesson, life sends us a test? Just to see if we really got it. Maybe the occasional test through the years, just to make sure. Because we can always make that same old mistake again, and learn the darned lesson again.
That’s what this sounded like to me. A test. And actually, you’re coming through it with flying colors, because you have strong feelings and you’re listening to them.
The problem, if there is one, is that you’re thinking about him, and trying to understand WHY you’re feeling this way. Instead of starting with trusting the one thing that is absolutely true.
You don’t feel good about this encounter. In fact, you feel afraid in its aftermath. (Anxiety is a form of fear.)
In reading your letter, I can see good reasons why you’d feel that way. And I don’t even know your history with this guy, which both hens and skylar mentioned in their excellent comments. If he actually did go to Thailand to play with the sex workers, that says a lot about his attitude toward sex and women. The fact that he introduced this topic (even indirectly) in a conversation with you suggests that he’s inclined to treat you as one of the boys, or that he’s testing you for interest in casual sex.
And I know that this is pretty blurry. You’re reading things into his expressions, that may or may not be there. But on the other hand, you really don’t understand why he treats you the way he does in other ways. Why does he want to be with you at the gym? Why is he making an effort to build a relationship with you, either casual or not? Frankly, I wondered why he was paying for your lunch. Did he owe you something? Was he trying to get on your good side for some reason?
I know I sound too suspicious. But I don’t like it when people make an effort to get closer to me, and I don’t understand their motives. I think that “good” people are open and honest, or at least try to be. I don’t imagine that I’m on the same wave length as everyone else. There are always going to be things I don’t understand. And in a way, relationships, especially early relationships, are about getting to understanding what makes each other tick and why each of us is making the effort. So we can figure out if we have some potential to be real friends or more.
All of this is me “after the sociopath.” I’m not like I used to be, showing all my feelings, telling everything about myself, and wearing my vulnerability like a badge of honor. Now I tend to go into “meetings,” whether it’s a date or a business meeting, with a sense of what I want to get out of it. Often, especially in early relationships, I simply want to walk out of that meeting with a sense of whether or not I want to spend more time with that person. I’m testing them. Not in an ugly, cold way. But I’m paying attention to see if I like what I hear, if I feel good about it, and possibly more important, if there is something that enriches my life. (And I expect them to be doing the same thing, so we’re both making an effort to be authentic and also entertaining.)
I want to know if we could have fun together. Do they make me laugh? Do they make me think about new things, or offer conversation that enables me to talk about what I care about? Are they interested in what I have to say? Is there potential to do things together that we both enjoy, or better yet, share our interests in ways that open doors for each other to new activities? Do we both like chess or scrabble, or dog training, or long drives in the country, or antiquing, or running marathons, or building businesses, or fixing social injustice? And probably most important of all, does it feel like there’s a spark of connection, of similarity on a deep level, that relates to values, emotional structure, view of the world?
It’s not that I’m looking for an identical twin. Far from it. Most of my closest friends are much more evolved than me, in some way that I deeply admire. The fact that I learn from them, that seeing the world through their eyes make me a better, stronger or smarter person, is a big part of my relationships. I’m not less than them in these relationships, because they also see something in me that they love and admire. But that mutual warmth and respect is something that keeps us valuing each other, and thus keeps the relationships going through the years.
I’m telling you all this because I want you to feel what I’m telling you. I want you to feel how it feels to have relationships based on a sense of yourself as a person with moment-by-moment judgments and choices. And those judgments and choices are based on what’s good for you.
You walked away from this encounter “triggered” with fears and raised issues. That’s what you’re focused on and that’s why you wrote your post. And that focus tells me that you are in the process of judging and choosing.
I think the big question here is how much tolerance you have for living with these feelings.
As we move through the learnings after dealing with a sociopath, or recovering from other abusive relationships, one of the big things we come to understand is that our tolerance for living with fear or discomfort was the enemy inside ourselves. Not the feelings. But our failure to recognize that we already knew this wasn’t good for us, and we were treating ourselves as though we couldn’t be trusted to have accurate emotional responses.
It’s true that people with PSTD (or however you may describe living with unresolved issues) may have overblown reactions. But just because they’re overblown doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It just means they’re noisy. It just means that your normal emotional reactivity is trying to get through to you.
And sometimes it’s talking to you about danger in the world. But sometimes it’s talking to you about you. It’s telling you not to make the same darned mistake again, because it already knows the signals of danger, even if you can’t quite see them in your conscious brain.
I’m not trying to turn you into a scaredy cat. Afraid of dealing with anyone who makes you the least bit nervous. Actually I’m suggesting something else. That you use your emotional sonar to look for what you want. Or maybe to look for paths where there is smooth sailing. And when you run into something that is clearly not what you want, you say to yourself “nope, that’s not it” and look elsewhere. Especially, when you run into something that actually turns the emotional sirens on that warn you that you really, really, really don’t want to get close to something out there.
If you’re still in the healing process, you may look at this as protecting yourself. If you’re through the healing process, you are more likely to look at this as simple housekeeping. Someone once said to me, “I don’t wear crazy people’s clothes or sleep in crazy people’s beds.” It was a funny way of saying the same thing. Why get involved with people we don’t trust or even particularly like, when we think about it? Or people whose values are so different from ours, or who can’t communicate in ways that we understand, or who are pursuing us for no reason that apparently matches what we want from a relationship.
It’s not like that’s all there is out there.
Before I close this up, I probably should add that we tend to attract people who are working on the same stuff, and who are at the same emotional maturity level as we are. We understand each other in a deep way. But that also means that we attract people with the same problems that we have, often in intimacy or self-awareness or self-esteem. If we have our heads on straight — in terms of wanting our relationships to be experiences that enable us to grow together and build something together — this can be an opportunity. But if we are looking for people to complete us, this can be a problem. A big problem.
We have to take responsibility for our own development as human beings. And we have to take responsibility for shaping our own lives. Other people are the supporting players in our lives, that’s all. We are the center. And no matter what we do, what choices we make, we are creating our lives.
You are wisely considering right now whether this man is a good thing to add to your life right now. Will he make it better? Will he fit in with your normal human needs? This has less to do with whether he is a good or bad person than whether he is what you want in your life. I think you already have an answer. The question is whether you trust your feelings enough to accept it.
Love,
Kathy
Kathleen,
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to respond to my posts. I really value your insights, too. Your post rings very true for me. I definitely realize that this is not someone I feel good and natural around, and yes, it is a clear sign that he’s not someone I’m meant to be with. I will likely always feel this way around him, and he is not the first guy I’ve had this response with. The Bangkok thing definitely triggered me because a guy I used to live with (who was very similar) went to Bangkok toward the end of our failing relationship. He claims he didn’t have sex with prostitutes but I never believed him. So it’s always been a rather sore spot for me, and it really threw me off balance when the neighbor said that. Also, when the neighbor said that, I wondered to myself if it ALL men are like that and how I’ll ever get past it without it killing my sexual confidence as a woman. I.e., my thought process is…..I seem to be attracted to these very exciting free-spirited men who have been with a lot of women. What if I don’t match up or don’t hold their interest? I realize this has nothing to do with whether they are right for me or not. It is just a trigger for my insecurities. I know there are *some* men who are not like this, but that was still my kneejerk reaction.
I do know that the way I feel around him is NOT the way I have felt around all men I’ve liked. For instance, I developed a real closeness with the Canadian guy I met in Costa Rica in 2010. I felt like I could be completely myself around him, and he accepted me for who I was, neurosis and all. Because of this experience, I can say I know the difference between someone who is compatible with me and actually wants a committed relationship. The way I felt around him was 180 degrees different from the way I felt around the neighbor. Even before you spoke it, I was starting to come to the same conclusion – that my fear, particularly how overblown it seems – is telling me something about whether he’s good for me or not.
And like you, I do wonder why he has reached out to me so much and not just blown me off. Perhaps he was checking to see if there could be another casual sexual encounter. Whatever it is, I’m thinking that my level of fear yesterday probably put an end to whatever interest he may have had. It is also probably what scared him off last year too. I never really knew for sure what happened last year. And now I think I know. I had to touch the stove one more time to find out. I’m glad to have the information so I can stop wondering about him.
I still feel heavily triggered, however, and I am going to see a healer today to see if I can clear it. I totally believe that people like him are great teachers in our lives and this is their purpose in our lives. Having said all this, though, I do think he’s a still a cool person and will think of him as an interesting person and kind neighbor to have in my life – but perhaps at a distance. He was telling me that one of his former guitar students whom he taught for 5 years went on to become famous. He is now the opening act for a band I really like this June. This is a show I’m likely to go to, because I love that band. So the neighbor is at least a very interesting person. None of our incompatibility can take that away from him. He’s probably one of the most interesting people in a neighborhood full of dull, dysfunctional people.
Thanks again for all the responses – Sky, Hens, and Kathy. They are really helping me gather my wits.