By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
Sky, I missed your last post. I do realize I went into fear yesterday, and yes, one of the things the neighbor living his fearless life reflects back to me is my own fear of life. I actually have been very proud of myself for being relatively happy lately and coming out of my shell. Being around the neighbor, however, I realized just how much I do live in fear. This is all part of the learning, along with learning who is and is not compatible as a friend or lover.
Unfortunately, fear is not an attractive quality to a man. So it’s a catch 22, that while my real self is probably very attractive to the right man, he has never seen my real self because I go into fear around him. Oh well. It is what it is. And I believe it’s all for a reason. The outcome for me will be a positive one because I will make sure of it. I mean, for myself and my own life – not anything to do with anyone else. Even if I remain alone and unattached, I intend to live a happy and meaningful life.
Thanks again, for your caring and your friendship.
Star, You bring to mind Demi Moore, look what she is going through because of a failed relationship with a BOY…
With all due respect, your trying to hang on to your youth, you identify with men on a sexual level more than an intellectual level.
Being with much younger men can be fun, but when the fun is over you feel older and insecure and that can cause anxiety itself. I am sure you will disagree about the age difference, sure it doesnt matter if some boy is lookin for a fling but if what you want from a boy is a longterm comitted relationship your barking up the wrong tree. I speak from experience, I aint never going to be the older man in a committed relationship, I am to insecure and selfconscience about my age…Sure there are boy’s out there looking for a father figure or a sugar daddy…no thanks, I want an equal partner in age and life experience…yes young men are nice to look at, but i wear my sunglasses and hope they dont see me lookin..don’t set your self up for rejection. I think it is good that you have relieved sone tension with this neighbor, but he is not going to be your best friend..I am not sure what his motive’s are but you are the one that pursued this reconnection with him…be careful…
Hens, he is not a boy. He is 46. That’s definitely within my dating range. This is SO not about sex or chasing my youth. Trust me on that. He could be 90 and he would still be attractive.
Tobehappy,
If this has been going on since she was 13 and she is now 17, I think you have had some ideas and were in denial…gosh I was there. Hoping I could do something to break the cycle, but now you have come out of denial.
So now that you are out of denial, you can ACT. Pick up the phone and call the police and report her as a run away.
Pick up the phone then and call child protective services and tell them she is out of control.
Then take a DEEP BREATH and no matter what she says or does, APPEAR CALM to anyone who comes to your door or anyone you talk to on the phone.
Yes,, your daughter is out of control, and has been for some time. You cannot appease her and you cannot get to a better place with her…she has thrown down the gauntlet and decided she is in control of herself and if you try to stop her she will punish you. Of course that does not mean you are not still obligated to give her money, a cell phone, and a ride to NYC for an audition—in her mind at least. LOL
Well, she needs a lesson in life, and it is “the golden rule”—he who has the GOLD makes the rules. She has NO GOLD and no way to get any except get a job at a McDonald’s at minimum wage.
Pack up her stuff (just the clothes and cosmetics etc. the TV, Stereo and all that STAYS at your house) and have it ready when she appears at the door or CPS comes to get her or the police. If there is an available in-patient locked adolescent unit, send her there. Tell the cops you cannot control her, tell CPS you can’t control her. Let her see that she is not the center of the universe. THEN if she comes down to earth, take her back, under YOUR rules. NO EXCEPTIONS. She behaves or leaves.
Regarding Demi Moore, it’s easy to say the age difference got them. That’s where my mind went, too. But in reality, the divorce rate is 50% and even higher among Hollywood celebrities. Also, no matter how young and beautiful the women are, a lot of rich, famous, and powerful men cheat. Remember she was also once married to Bruce Willis who is in her generation. He cheated too. I know of several May-December romances with a 15-year age difference (in both directions) that worked out. So I’m kind of on the fence about that kind of age difference. I don’t necessarily think it’s doomed to failure. But I think there needs to be a strong devotion to overcome the unique challenges.
Star,
I don’t think you are fearful at all. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. Your neighborboy is fearful. That’s why he seems fearless.
Lots of people live their lives actively suppressing all fear and they seem fearless. But when you really look at their lives, you see that they fear everything and everyone. Fear of intimacy is a primary indicator of fear (so they cheat or have meaningless sex in thailand). Fear of commitment (to anything) is another, so they live in a perpetual Peter Pan mode.
You, my dear, are the fearless one. You allow yourself to feel your fear and face it. The neighborboy numbs himself and lives a meaningless 2-dimensional cartoon character life. It seems exciting though, huh? He skims across the surface, dabbling in this and that, experiencing everything just a bit, but never dipping his entire being into a committed experience.
EDIT:
He’s not much younger than you, yet you call him a boy. That’s your subconscious leaking out and talking to you. It sees everything clearly.
2b,
After reading up on what’s been happening now and what’s been happening since she was 13… I think Oxy, is giving you the best advice.
Star,
You know, I understand your feelings. There always have been some men I froze around, where I’d feel I’d have to act all cool and hide my attraction. I’d think myself a fool over it, and berate myself to just open, but never would. I never questioned these beratings at myself… never thought, “hmm, maybe I’m freezing up for a good reason.” Months after though they were dating or being friends to someone else, nor did I miss them. Now I think it’s either because I’m attracted to them for the wrong reasons and that they probably are not people I can be myself with. The tension isn’t there because of the attraction, but because they make me feel they’re either players (and I’m their possibe next plaything) or they have commitment issues, and because basically they themselves are too busy with being cool, rather than being authentique.
If I tense around a man, I now recognize it as a sign that I’m tense in a response to what they emmenate. There are too many men I know where I never even act tense around at all to know it’s not “me”. Some of those are hot handsome men. And some of those I may even once had a one night stand with or thought attractive. But it never bothered natural interaction and relating, never made it feel ‘forced’.
Darwin’s Mom,
Great post! I hadn’t really thought about it in that light before and agree with what you said. If we are “frozen”, nervous and on edge with someone, that IS a sign. Will definitely be keeping this in mind as I move forward with my journey. Thank you for your post and bringing that fact to my attention.
Be well.
~New
New Beginning,
Yes, it’s a reaction to someone being closed off. I don’t think it’s a sign for spathiness though. Spaths would put all the charm on you and want to have deep talks to know your likes, soft spots, etc… But I do see it as a sign that the person is not open to an emotional connection, not even as friends really. Bonding issues, but for other reasons than sociopathy.
On the other hand, I think it has a connection to falling for a spath. For example, when a spath starts to target his victim, it is kind of uneasy and strange. It stirs a gut feeling, but you can’t really describe it, and because the reaction is actually quite strong, you end up explaining it or attributing it to attraction.
The same goes for the ‘freezing’ and ‘being uncomfortable’ to someone who’s closed off. That too we easily ascribe those as feelings of attraction.
I think this explanation goes back to
a) how you feel as a teen when you’re crushing on someone
b) teen movies, and romance paperback novels pander to this type ‘attraction’ in almost every story.
Now, I’m thinking it’s what we tell ourselves to explain the unsettled feeling away, whether it’s to someone with commitment fear or a spath. Different causes, different uneasiness, but we tell ourselves the same “myth” for both of them, then ignore our ‘gut’ response and berate ourselves for it.
Thanks, Sky, for your insight. It’s true, I don’t call all the guys I date “boy”.
I had a healing session today, and it stirred up some very old pain. It’s just painful – no way around it. I am very clear that the neighbor is not interested in me except as a friend. He is not attracted to me but he does care enough about me not to want to hurt me anymore. I think he knows he hurt me. I think he is very much wanting to just have fun and doesn’t want anything serious. It threw me when I saw him on the dating site looking for a relationship, but I don’t think it’s what he wants. As much as it hurts, I finally have my answer. I don’t have to obsess about him anymore. It’s a done deal. There is some kind of connection there that is mutual, but I think it’s just the connection of friendship and possibly a little guilt on his part. I’m so glad I could intuit this on my own (finally) without having to ask him.
I am taking a sabbatical from dating until I get this part of myself healed.