By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves.
I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me?
After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a new man, I found a psychopath who was seeking a new “respectable wife” to cheat on. My feeling of “happiness” was very short lived when I realized he was still “carrying on” with his former mistresses, which essentially amounted to a harem of needy women hoping he would “choose me.”
I elected to get out of that relationship. I found a great deal of sadness in my life at that time, but the “happiness” I had sought was not in view. I later realized that it could not be provided to me by someone else, but was something I had to provide for myself.
Wanting to be happier
Recently I read a great article entitled, The dark side of happiness, by Gareth Cook. A couple of short paragraphs in particular of this long article stuck out:
It is not so unreasonable to want to be happier. Are we really just supposed to stand by and let life have its way with us?
Well, yes and no. One of the most powerful ways to boost happiness ironically is to learn acceptance. Instead of viewing negative emotions as a failure, learn to see them as a healthy, natural part of the human drama. Negative feelings are often there to tell us something, an invitation to reflect, to make a new plan, or examine an issue more slowly and carefully. This basic notion can play an important role not just in therapy, but also in a balanced and meaningful life.
Who among us doesn’t want to be “happier?” But what is going to “make me happy?” That is the big question.
I hear people say, “I will be so happy when I get out of college and can get a real job.” I’ve said such things myself. When I do, I remember my grandmother telling me, “Don’t wish you life away, child,” to remind me to savor the todays of my life, not live in the future when thus and such may happen to “make me happy.” I’ve found that when things happening are the things that “make me happy,” the feeling of “happiness” it engenders doesn’t last long, but is a fleeting joy.
Today I dropped a heavy glass lid out of the top of my cabinet when I was trying to rearrange it and broke a glass canister that sits on the counter and held my oatmeal as well as a glass of water I had sitting there ready to drink. It made quite a sound as it broke. My son helped me clean up the mess and he said, “Well at least it wasn’t your grandmother’s serving dish.” I laughed and said, “Honey, I broke those a long time ago, but it wouldn’t matter if it was my grandma’s serving dish, because things are not that important to me any more. I’m not going to be unhappy because something is lost or broken.” (Though I admit I recently got angry when I realized that a former friend had also stolen an emergency stove I had stored in my barn!)
Joy and happiness
I also look at the difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy to me is getting a new puppy or a new car, or making a great dish for my friends and me to enjoy. Joy seeing the pleasure in someone when I give him or her a gift. It isn’t “happiness,” but the accumulation of joy builds to create happiness.
What is the difference though in “happiness” and in “joy?” The definitions below may give us some guidance.
From the Free Dictionary
joy (joi) n.
1. a. Intense and especially ecstatic or exultant happiness.
b. The expression or manifestation of such feeling.
2. A source or an object of pleasure or satisfaction: their only child, their pride and joy.
v.joyed, joy·ing, joys
v.intr.
To take great pleasure; rejoice.
v.tr.Archaic
1. To fill with ecstatic happiness, pleasure, or satisfaction.
2. To enjoy.
According to Dictionary.com the definition of happiness is:
1. the quality or state of being happy.
2. good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Don’t know about you, but I can’t say I totally agree with these definitions! Let’s see what others think. A definition of happiness, actually several definitions, are listed on the web site Happy Life.
What the sages say
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi
“Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” Eleanor Roosevelt
“Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness.” Bertha Damon
“Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.” Leo Tolstoy
The “definition” of happiness in the dictionary is sort of a self-defining word, “happiness is being happy” and still leaves us wondering what it means. The above website’s quotes from several sages seem more to define what “happiness” is, though I think each of us can and should define what “happiness” is to us as individuals, how we can build that happiness with the smaller joys of life, while realizing that our feelings of sadness at times, or remorse, guilt, or even shame, are signs that we might need to reflect inwardly for guidance in our lives.
I personally agree with Eleanor Roosevelt’s definition: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.” To me, happiness is the culmination of the smaller joys of life, from the enjoyment of a well cooked meal, to sharing a laugh with a friend. The personal satisfaction I experience at the end of a day when I have done my best and lay my head down on my pillow in peace.
Thank you for your support Aussie!
She really hurt me in the car last week when, out of the blue, she told me how she “hates” me and her sisters!
She truly feels that I should allow her b/f to sleep over in her bed with her!
She is angry that I don’t allow that or approve of her sleeping over with him by his house!
She has been isolating herself in her room since I built it for her. She allowed her dogs to destroy the carpet in there…whcih I just replaced for the renter.
Everyone who knows me sees that I have done more for her than the other girls.
I spent 650 dollars on head shots…have spent 2 thousand on auditions to NYC and acting classes…skate lessons,…piano lessons. Everything she wanted I tried to give her.
My other two daughters never “insist” on getting things because they know my financial situation.
When I told her we were keeping the house….got it back from the bank..(foreclosure)….she was angry. She said …”we could have rented a 4 b/r house..” (which is what I have now). She doesn’t get it that we would have ended up in a TWO bedroom home . Its all I could afford here. So, instead I opted to save my home and rent out the room. She was WELL aware of this plan.
So, she is now going to school, and is probably living with her b/f….who, she told me she broke up with a few days before telling me how unhappy she is living here!
I know that she is young and confused. But, she is very ICE COLD, SELFISH….Manipulative….lies….and wants control.
So, I don’t know if she has her father’s genes….he is a true sociopath….or if she is just going thru a phase.
She hardly spoke to us for the last year…only when she broke up with her b/f. Then she sat down in the lr with us…was nice to her dogs….and was happier.
Once they got back together…she hates us.
I am just letting her live where she is…even though I am not sure. By Friday, if she doesn’t talk to me…I will tell her that I am not supplying phone service for her anymore…and I will shut it off.
She IS going to school. So, thats one good thing.
I just can’t believe this is happenning.
Tobehappy,
She has the control and she knows it. Why are you waiting until Friday to cut off her phone service? Do you think that she will change back to a “nice” person by Friday? What are you going to do when she comes back home with a baby in her belly?
She has taken from you, but given nothing back…she has destroyed the home you provided for her by not taking responsibility for her pets, which you are now taking responsibility for and caring for.
She has proven over and over that she is selfish, demanding, angry, and egocentric like her father and you are waiting until Friday to cut off her cell phone service?
Come on 2B—commmmmme on, get out of denial and accept what is going on here. ((((hugs))))
I guess I think that she will cool off and contact me to at least tell me what she is doing. Idk. I’m also afraid that she will hurt herself, since she threatened to commit suicide last year when her b/f broke up with her for another girl!
I am going to text her and tell her that the phone service will be cut off this Friday.
Why tell her? Why not just do it? She’s gonna make drama either way, but by telling her she’ll use it to create drama for you between now and Friday, and use it to show to other people what a bad mother you are. When the line is actually cut, she’ll have to hassle others for being able to call, etc… It will actually be HER problem.
2b “I think she might hurt herself, she threatened suicide lasst year” COME ON she is “threatening” suicide as a way to CONTROL you. “Do what I want or I’ll kill myself” LOL
2B she is in control….you are not in control. You have given over your parental control to this girl and she is beating you over the head with it.
TAKE CONTROL, take CHARGE, STAND UP and BE the PARENT.
Cut the damn phone off, she will NOT kill herself over it. she will be angry and spout off but she is gonna be angry and spout off anyway. She has decided she is going to do what she wants to do, which is have sex with that boy and sleep with that boy and there is nothing you can do about it.
She has not shown you the least bit of respect, yet she expects you to continue to pay for her phone and whatever else she wants but she is going to sleep with that boy over your objections. FARK YOU! is her attitude. Well, show her at least that you will NOT continue to provide her goodies as long as she is showing no respect for you.
I still think you should call CPS because your daughter is not where you can watch out for her or see to her welfare….so how do you know she is even alive or okay? She is not under your control and you have no way to keep her safe. Just my opinions, your decision…and you can take them or leave them.
True. I am just going to shut the phone off then. Let the “friends” she chose to live with pay for her service.
Ox Drover, you got that right Gratitude is part of the package. Happiness is not about a perfect life without problems. But its how we choose to deal with those problems.
Yes a good book. Reminded me of the guys that came back from Nam and what we are seeing with the one’s coming back from all the new wars. Those that had the ability to deal with life before they went, have a better time of it when they get back home. Where the one’s that had problems before they left come back with those problems magnified exponentially.
Batan, the camps man can be cruel.
And like you I’m blessed. The question of what are we going to eat has always meant, what do you want out of all the choices and not the question of there is no food.
Gratitude like happiness, an attitude thing. It’s how we choose to see things. Which leads to our actions. Which gives us our results. The hard part is coming to gripes with the fact that we do have a choice and the choice has always been there. We just have to take it. And yes it’s easier said then done. But it can be done.
T
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Dearest 2B ~
I am so sorry your daughter is putting you through this. Unfortunately, I’ve been in your shoes.
I would recommend that you do contact Children’s Protective Services also, before they call you. And without her being 18, you are responsible for where she is and what she does. For instance, IF she should decide NOT to go to school, you could be held responsible. At least have it on record that she is doing these things without your permission, and against your wishes.
Again, so sorry and wish you only the best. This is so hard.
2B I am being “hard on” you I know, but it is the “boink” that comes from “having been there” in that state of denial…when Patrick talked C into financing his “move out” and getting “them” an apartment that neither of them could afford (except C had money saved from working, going to college etc.) so Patrick talked C into getting this apartment then he came and stole my car out of my yard in the middle of the night to haul the loot from stealing all the computers out of our friend’s business….and when I turned him in to the cops (got both of them arrested!) he said “well I had to steal because yoiu wouldn’t support me! How is that??? It is always someone else’s fault.
MiLo has been through that mill too and is still going through it with the Grandson…and keep in mind there is another child that is also being “raised” by this daughter and MiLo can’t take it, but at the same time knows the child isn’t getting the nurturing the child needs by the daughter from hell.
I wish I could tell you that your daughter is just going through the “stage” of being an arsehole teenager, but this is MORE THAN THAT….I kept hoping that Patrick was just going through a stage too…but it was MORE THAN THAT.
Just like I would tell you with your X, protect yourself, I am telling you the same thing about her, protect yourself.
She has already THREATENED to turn you in for abuse, to try to get your other kids taken away….these THREATS are signs to me that she does not have much in the way of love and compassion for you or for her sibs. She is totally irresponsible and expects you to keep on taking up the slack. It is time for YOU to change 2B….she is not gonna change until she decides to, but ARE YOU going to continue to enable her to keep on?
It is up to you, you can’t change her or do enough for her to make her “happy” or appease her, so it is now up to YOU to take care of YOU and the other children. You cannot reason with her. (((hugs))))
2B ~ One more suggestion that may be helpful. While the threats of suicide are most likely control tactics, this is something a parent can’t just dismiss. I would do some investigating and find what is in your area in the way of mental health services. For instance our county has a mental health facility, with a 24 hour hot line. Next time she mentions suicide, pick up the phone and report it to them. The outcome of reporting this also varies. With her being underage, they may force her into an evaluation. This will do two things – 1) tell you if she is possibly suicidal or 2) keep her from using that one on you again.
I did this with my daughter. She was one shocked cookie, but it was many years before she pulled the suicide threat on me again.
I didn’t realize, until I read Oxy’s post that she threatened to turn you into CPS. If you talk to them first, next time she threatens that just say, I already talked to them, would you like the name of the worker.
Also, if she is in fact staying at boy friend’s house or another friend’s house, don’t count on the fact that those parents are thrilled to have her. I would bet my bottom dollar that she has told them her abusive mother threw her out and she has no where to go. If the parent’s aren’t total loosers, you may think about calling them.