Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Strong,
Right? There is no comparison between being a part of someone’s LIFE and being a part of someone’s GAME. Two very different experiences. We, non-disordered, people want other’s to share our lives with, to witness beauty, tragedy, hope, change, love- together. But for disordered people they just want you to be a part of their horror story, to say your ‘lines’, to follow the script, participate in the movie until the final scene where you die (literally or not).
What a weird existence to be unable to participate spontaneously with the world around you, and instead only be able to try and act as a catalyst- from the outside. Always trying to precipitate an event, without being changed by the event yourself. Very weird existence.
I know you are being strong, and you are clear about what you want for yourself. So”you go for it and just keep going forward. No need to look back too much, that is not where you are going.
Hugs, Slim
Amille, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I haven’t been on to much to catch up with you post.
Hi Jan7! I missed you…. Are you ok? I have not seen many posts from you and was starting to worry.
I am hanging in there…trying to focus on making plans, staying active, looking for a new hobby or class or something positive to introduce into my life.
I thought of you the other day while reading about mind control and the techniques that spaths use. When you first mentioned that to me and encouraged me to read up on that I thought, “what? How could he hypnotize me or use mind control? Surely I would see that happening.”
And then I had an awful memory surface. We were eating lunch one day and he said,”Can you believe I read an article about a guy who used mind control tricks on his girlfriend?” I replied that was the dumbest thing I ever heard. How pathetic is this guy to have to resort to such tactics. What girl would fall for that?
He must have been smirking to himself the whole time. Or thought, “Challenge accepted.”
Anyway, there it all was in black and white. All the articles discussing and illustrating phrases, methods, manipulation, etc.
The biggest thing that jumped out was anchoring. He was always wanting to touch or have me touch him. I don’t mean in a sexual way….but hugs, holding my hand, etc. I thought he was being affectionate and caring. Now I understand it was a means to evoke and reinforce a feeling….usually happiness with him…that my happiness would always be associated with him. He actually reached out and touched me the day he left for good too. I’m guessing that was to reinforce sadness and pain in me….because he mentioned it in the last text I received before I blocked him.
Therefore, thank you for opening my eyes to that….and so much else!
Hi Amille, yes everything is good, I have just been very busy last & this week.
OMG…this is exactly what sociopaths do…him stating about this so called article on brain washing….just shaking my head at their bits of truth mixed in with their craziness!!
My ex h would say out of the blue odd things…one thing he would say is “create a distraction”…I just did not want to deal with his craziness…and if I asked him what he meant by his statement he would just say some lie but his little truths (and your ex) this behavior is a way to have one over on us but also to brag about what they have done or plan to do. So sick they are, what a crazy way to live. Thank goodness we are normal and would never resort to such lying manipulating craziness as they do!!
Yep, I think of all the times my ex h must have been laughing inside at how I was trying to fix the marriage while he was taking it a part piece by piece min by min. There are some days I am still shocked at what I lived through…and saddened so much for all of us who have crawled away from their mind games & evilness and the fact that we had them in our lives and that they took away our innocents of life.
In the book Women Who love Psychopaths by Sandra brown she talks about the trance & hypnosis that sociopaths use on all victims. I don’t watch reality shows but have channeled surfer & stopped a few times and the guy on Keeping up with the Kardashians Scott Disick has used trance on his gf on the show he is definitely a sociopath even on of the sisters researched this on the show because she did not like him one bit…..it was shocking to see him do it on the show. If it had not happened to me I would never have picked up on it.
I remember towards the end of my marriage before I escaped I had a light bulb moment that he was hypnosis me and trancing me (even though I never read anything about these things ever). It got to the point if we had an argument I would not look in his eyes…he picked up on this and tried to force me to look in his eyes to which I refused he because very forceful grabbing me trying to turn my head. My subconscious or conscious mind was picking up on this and maybe to the fact that I was planning my escape I was waking up from his mind control & brain washing.
Like I told you when I found a therapist after I escaped him, I asked the therapist if he was hypnosis me and immediately the therapist said YES!! SO SCARY they are. I am glad that you had a mind awaking about your ex’s mind control. After reading the book Freedom of Mind by Steven Hassan I have noticed how politicians use mind control by repeating things three or four times…Hitler did the same thing…signs that Hitler posted around Germany were repeated three times this is part of mind control. Makes you wonder how many people we have crossed paths with that have done this to us.
Amille, I was thinking of you the other day too when you said that your ex pointed at his ring and said the ring was for you…LOL…seriously does he think that will fly!?! It’s a ring that his wife game him on his wedding day. Another shaking their head at their craziness that they try to get us to buy. Makes me wonder how my ex explained away his wedding ring.
Have you ever looked at the site Meetup. com. It’s a free site that list all the clubs, organizations & hobbies groups in your city. It’s a very cool site & good way to connect with people. Obviously you have to be alert when going to one of these groups since you are still healing and might be vulnerable to another sociopath/narc. Sticking to the all women groups might be a good idea.
Jan, Luckily my mind has settled down a bit with the random memories/stories. For awhile it was so overwhelming.
I have learned now that everything bad his friends, brothers, ex wife, or random people from internet did …were actually him.
There is one supposed brother story and other memory that has me reeling still. Its still too horrific for me. I will just say that I am so angry as to what he exposed me to….with absolutely no regard to my health. I have been tested and I am ok. However, I will never forget nor forgive.
The last day I saw him was only 3 days after I found the obit so I was still very much in shock. What I do remember is him being angry with me when I asked if he was married…and he waved the ring and said of course not….he wore that for me.
That certainly was telling wasn’t it? And of course I didn’t believe him. Didn’t even cross my mind for a second that he could be telling the truth. At the time I was also shocked at his anger at me. I had never seen him angry with me before.
Create distraction? As in you were supposed to do that? Or was that him telling you that he was doing that to you? To keep you from learning the truth? Are you the one that told me that if we paid close attention they will tell you exactly who they are?
I’m in awe as to your strength. That you have done more than just claw your way out. I wasn’t married to mine so I am able to untangle myself physically with no effort. It is amazing that we were treated the way we were, all because we loved someone.
It is inexcusable that you were trying so hard to save your marriage while he had no regard. That he acted as if he did.
Do you know where he is today. Did he remarry? Does he still try to contact you? I know you don’t care. Am thinking you might know only so you take necessary precautions.
While I was researching the mind control I watched a video on how the news media manipulates stories too. How certain words and tactics can lead us to conclusions that aren’t necessarily the truth. It was scary to see in action.
I just heard about the meet up groups. I made a note to look it up to see what is available in my area. Thank you for the suggestion. I think I may have mentioned that my gym membership expired so I’m going to find a new one. I need to exercise more….plus it is a good way to lightly socialize with new people…. Which is all I can handle now
Hi Amille, yes the racing mind can be very overwhelming. glad that your mind has been settling.
As hard as it is for you to see him for who he is and that all his stories of others were really about him it’s a good thing. This will help you to not contact him or if he contacts you, you will not engage in a conversation with him. It’s sad though because you were truthful & honest during your relationship while he was the opposite. 🙁 I am sorry that you were sucked into his crazy world.
I know everything my ex told me was a lie with a few bits and piece of truth to throw me off. If I caught him in a lie he would lie again & again.
He was angry at you when you called him out on being married…this is what they do = intimidation if pity play does not work or their lies do not work..they will turn everything around on you to control you…to make you submissive again.
The “create a distraction”…I think he was just playing mind games…that he needed to distract me with a chore or job task so he could go off and be with one of his mistress or do one of his con games. He is masterful with mind games…sick and twisted manipulation of everyone. He loves the power & control over everyone.
Yes, I told you if you really listen to what a sociopath tells you, you will hear some of their truth…but most importantly you will hear RED FLAGS and your gut will be warning you with loud bells & whistles.
I need to clarify something with you…when I wanted to leave him after all his mind games then he would manipulate me back in to his game with his love bombing & pity play…ie “I love you”, “don’t leave me”, “I love being married to you” plus fear & intimidation tactics then there would be peace for a few hours or maybe days then it would be back to his negative mind games which would lead me to want to leave him again then he would love bomb me back in….
it was a constant emotional roller coaster ride and classic domestic abuse wheel i.e. honeymoon, tension building, abuse to honeymoon again. This is one of the tail tale signs that someone is in a domestic abusive relationship = emotional rollercoaster ride.
It’s hard to explain if you have not experienced the loving words to the evil abusive words it wears on your soul & your body, your mind. You end up emotionally, mentally & physically exhausted (adrenal fatigue). I literally crawled out of his hell like so many.
I am so happy that you did not experience the extreme abuse although you DID experience emotional & mental abuse without fully knowing it…so thankful that you found your way to LF and are opening your mind up fully to what he did do to you and now are healing. It really warms my heart, you are a good person so it’s so nice to see you & all the other victims that come to LF like myself to work out their relationship with a sociopath and finely seeing the truth.
He kept our the homes so I think he is there but who knows. I know what he is doing he is conning people that is the only thing he knows how to do. He I am sure has one primary victims to appear “normal and so that he is not alone plus an endless number of secondary victims (mistresses). I hope that one day they will escape his grips. I pray for them even though I do not know who they are and will never contact them, I still pray for their safety because I know how evil he truly is and will always be.
I discontinued all contact with the friends who remind friends with him…for my peace of mind and to heal I had to do this because I do not want him to know what I am doing for my safety.
I am glad that your gym membership expired = a good blessing. A new gym is a nice change of pace and peaceful for you to go to not having to be on guard.
Glad you are doing ok. Thank you for sharing your story with me (with everyone) it has helped me tremendously to see the other side of my ex’s double life.
It’s a blessing to be able to connect with other victims, the healing process expedites ten fold being able to chat with others.
Wishing you a great day!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Jan7, I can somewhat relate to the cycle you were in….I think I may have mentioned my ex husband was an alcoholic. He would promise not to drink. He’d control for a bit, then start again. It was more of a heartbreaking and resentful cycle but still a cycle.
You were and are strong Jan. You survived. You pulled yourself out, asked for help, educated yourself, and now you are helping others.
How did they become such masters of deception and manipulation? I mean is it just inherent?
It makes me sick to think I was being submissive and I didn’t even realize it.
I meant to respond that I have never watched Keeping Up with the Kardashions…. I may watch now just to see the sociopath with what I now know.
I’m so glad I found this site. That I can safely share experiences and feelings. My friends mean well, but they don’t understand.
Thank you for sharing all your wisdom…enjoy the rest of your day
Amille, ABSOLUTELY you understand the cycle of abuse. You experienced emotional & mental abuse from your ex. I forgot that your ex was an alcoholic = emotional roller coaster ride for sure with someone who has a addiction.
Check out the domestic abuse power wheel you will see that relationship much more clearly that you were in a abusive relationship. The bulk of domestic abuse IS emotional & mental abuse. This is what society does not realize.
You ask: How did they become such masters of deception and manipulation? I mean is it just inherent?
I think when it comes to sociopaths/psychopath it’s all inherited trait. My ex h’s family was extremely dysfunctional on his mothers side. I saw big red flags with them as they were always fighting about nothing. I had never experienced that type of family dynamics ever…just before we got married I started to really analysis his family and wanted out of the relationship.
I even made a point to say a few things about his family and that I was not sure about getting married but he like aways twisted everything around = spun my mindset with his nonsense = just more confusion. I remember the very day that I brought this up and his response. I was right about his family & him from the min I meet all of them. Lesson learned first impression are lasting impressions & listen to your first gut reaction it is NEVER wrong EVER. And also what you see is exactly what you get.
There is debate about sociopaths/psychopaths being related to up bring & inherit traits. But honestly I think it all is inherit traits. My ex h would tell proudly story of him as a child manipulating people he knows exactly what he is doing and has been doing it his whole life.
Yes, Scott Disick (keeping up with the kardashians) is a perfect example of a sociopath with narcissist personality disorder conning people right before their very eyes. He will go out get drunk not come home to his gf then talk his way out of everything within mins…he is a master at manipulation with words if you watch & listen closely. He uses pity play and smear campaign against his gf with her own family to shift the blame to her. He is textbook sociopath.
He will tell his gf what she would say to him before she even can get a chance to say it but then she thinks he understands and will change but he will never change. She is also a walking step ford wife robot sad to watch her being emotional & mentally abused without help from anyone. She is definitely in the cycle of domestic abuse honeymoon, tension building, abuse, honeymoon etc. Plus the whole trance thing that I saw him do once to get his gf to take him back really freaked me out…still does!!
The reality is society can not spot a domestic abuser or con man but then they blame the victim for staying because they don’t fully get that she in mind controlled and needs help opening up her mind just like a cult follower.
Jan, I think because I experienced a covert form of emotional abuse vs a cycle, I’m having a harder time with this break up.
Not that my divorce was easy. Its just after going through the ups and downs, disappointment, resentment, false hopes, counseling, Al Anon,etc I was emotionally done with my ex husband at the end. I don’t hate him or love him. He is the father of my children. Otherwise, I don’t give him much thought. I hope that doesn’t sound cold.
But with the spath, there was no roller coaster. So I thought I was happy. I didn’t realize the abuse until I found the obit.
I read through The Women who Love Psychopaths today. Lots of good info there on the mind control. Thanks for bumping that up on my reading list. It was either there or another article I read last night….said that survivors of spaths typically recall the “good” or love bombing phase of their relationship first….then the “oh yeah, but he was a cheater” thoughts come second.
That’s all due to the manipulation and mind games they play. Scary and sad and sick and twisted.
I would imagine that changes over time? As you heal?
I agree on it being inherent. Everything I have read points to them being keen observers;watching
their prey. I tend to observe people too before I jump in….but not because I want to manipulate them! Therefore, there has to be something that is in them to act as they do. How can you teach someone not to have a conscious?
I don’t know about his family since he kept me from them. However, there did seem to be drama. Of course, he was the savior. The glues that held the family together. I wonder if he is even close to them? If he spent as much time with them as he claimed?
Did you have to spend much time with your ex’s family? Were they all broken so that they didn’t recognize him for what he was? Or did they know?Were they surprised you divorced?
I imagine that they keep Scott on the show because he creates drama. The fact that it is mentally impacting the daughter? Evidently, not as important as the show and its ratings. More sadness and twisted thinking.
You are right about society blaming the victim. In fact my mother and I exchanged words regarding the poor woman from New Jersey who was stabbed by her ex. “Why was she with someone like that?” I tried to point out I was with someone who fooled me. She didn’t want to hear that. I think it frightens her.
I hope you are having a great day!
Hi Amille, It’s hard to get over a relationship with a sociopath because it was not a “normal healthy” relationship instead it was a relationship based on the sociopaths lies & deception something that you did not know about until reading the obit just a few short weeks ago,
so now you are standing here saying “what the hell just happened for the past 5 years”…you are standing there dazed & confused still processing everything he said & did to you over the past 5 years and comparing it to everything you are learning about sociopathic abuse.
Your breakup was not a normal breakup with this guy…you did not have normal relationshp closure by discussing the fact with him it would be better to breakup then to go forward with this person. There were no definitive issues that were causing you to want to end this relationship like your marriage. everything appeared normal until the fateful day.
Donna has written articles here on LF on this very topic that it is not a normal breakup with normal closure this is part of why “getting over” a sociopathic breakup does not happen quickly.
It WILL take time for you to process this relationship & breakup. When you choose to end your marriage you tried to do everything in your power to fix or make the marriage work and the only thing left was for you to ended it for you to have a peaceful healthy life.
That was the only choice for you because you realized it would never be a healthy relationship nor a good life to continue with your ex. Although the relationship was not a normal one since your ex had addiction issues that you could not solved the ending of the relationship was more normal relationship ending because you had time to process all that was going on in the marriage and try counseling etc. Therefore you had closure.
Right now you don’t have a formal closure in your mind yet…..yes you have your answer as to why you needed to end the relationship (his lies/deception/obit)
It’s important now to really look at his behavior & manipulative words and see if the relationship was really as “good” as you thought it was. Like you state the love bombing manipulated our minds into thinking every thing was good. For me I thought there were “good times” in my marriage but when I really dissected the relationship and the “fun” & “good” times I realized there were NO fun or good times because my ex was extremely moody, demanding, selfish everyday…during the marriage I just put on a fake happy smile and tried to see some type of positive days out of all the crazy negative days. In reality i was lying to myself just to survive the hell I was living.
To open my mind to the truth about there were not good times I read something about sociopaths pattern of behavior I related it to my ex and this opened my mind up to see the truth = no good times. I would recommend this for you too.
Really analysis your time together to see if you were really disappointed that he could not come over or that he did not come to say a birthday or a friends party or that he did not include you in family get togethers or with his friends etc. And analyze the times you were together was he really fun, happy etc or was he really angry, mad, moody not fun to be around…you might surprise yourself that your mind might have played tricks on you.
I just want you to know all the emotions you are feeling right now is normal…the process is very hard what you are going through right now. Hugs to you 🙂 Let your feelings out don’t bottle them up.
You spend 5 years with this man thinking that you had a life time partner. Who would have ever guessed after 5 years that you would find out he is not only a liar, cheater, con man but also a sociopath. You have been thrusted into a world you never would have guessed you would have entered nor a world that you fully knew about before.
Just finding out your ex is a sociopath It’s shocking to say the least then throw in all the mind games terms that he used to con you and it’s literally mind blowing.
The book Women who love psychopath was a very good book for me, I hope it helped you…not sure if it did or not since your relationship was very different then most.
As for my ex’s family….the first time I went to his moms house for dinner my first impression of her was “cold hearted”…while she cooked dinner she yelled the whole time at her husband (3rd husband). I was shocked and wanted to tell her to stop and I wanted to leave but I was young and did not want to be rude LOL mean while she was rude the whole time LOL. Her husband was a very kind hearted man.
When I went to the first full family gathering they fought the whole time. It was so uncomfortable and I was just flabbergasted at their lack of common decency. This is how every family gathering was. I did not want to have anything to do with is brother because of his selfish loud obnoxious behavior. A group of monkeys has more civility then my ex’s family lol. I am still in shock that I even married my ex based on his family dynamics.
Yes, I think why most people don’t want to hear stories of victims might be because they don’t want to hear about problems as they are just trying to get through life without their own problems. Not sure. But if society would truly listen to victims they would learn the truth about this world and the evil that walks amount us.
Anyways. HUGS to you. Sometimes it’s good to take a break when you first learn about this topic just to calm your mind. I know when I first found out that my h was a sociopath like you I read everything I got my hands on but I did have to take a few breaks here and there from the subject matter just to have some kind of peace & to give my mind, body & spirit a little time to breath and rest from the shock of it all.
I just want you to know you are doing great reading/processing/venting & your healing path is moving in a very healthy direction. So pat yourself on the back on those days you feel sad, angry etc it’s all part of the healing process.
Sunny days are just around the corner for you 🙂 🙂 🙂
Jan7, As always you have provided me with very good points/areas of focus. I really do appreicate your help! You are very good at this! You should be a therapist 🙂 I notice how you carefully word things so that you aren’t telling me what to do per se…….just keep pointing me in the right directions.
Yes absolutely I understand why the relationship had to end. There are no lingering doubts or questions there. Spath stuff aside. He is living/married to someone else!
I think the other reason I struggle is that I wasn’t really asking a lot of him. In other words, I was content with some of how our arrangement/timeframes worked out. In other words, I wasn’t looking to get married, have a father for my children, financial assistance, a bigger a house, etc. etc. Especially in the beginning when my kiddos were young. They were/are my priority.
I was looking for companionship. Go see a movie, dinner, a weekend get away now and again, etc. etc. Not every night; not every weekend. I think that’s why it lastest as long as it did. Our limited contact and lack of shared responsibilites kept us both on our best behavior.
Now to was I really happy? That is a great question and why I’m phrasing “I thought I was happy.” I have to do more soul searching on that.
In the beginning I was so busy with full custody of the children (that meant no free every other weekends for me like a typical divorce/single mom), full time job, house, a cat that was training me that he was not to be treated like a dog, etc. I thought I was happy. He seemed so caring, thoughtful, helpful……loving.
As I mentioned in the original letter I sent Donna, the last 8 months or so? I can honestly say not so much. It started after a sucessfull triangulation (didn’t know what it was at the time) that raised all those doubts I had stuffed. My children are older (they don’t want me around so much LOL) Why isn’t the relationship progressing a bit more (still don’t want marriage though!!)? However, I was starting to feel smothered Jan. He was always here during the day….and feeling that crazy/busy/distracted you talk of so much with your marriage. The resentment was starting to build too. I have to work during the day. Yes, I can take breaks/a little bit longer lunch but his constant presence started to feel disrespectful to me/my time.
Therefore, during my bad moments…and to your point…..I force myself to think of the last 8 months.
In doing so, I’m slowly discovering that I don’t miss him so much. That my struggle really is with the deception. The fact that the entire relationship was a lie. THat I was being abused and I didn’t even realize it. That really bothers me.
The Women who Loves Psychopaths is a terrific resource. The chapters where she defines the characteristics of the survivors? I’m all there Jan. Empathy, cooperation (I have to do a lot of this in my job), etc. I’m thinking a lot about my role in all of this. How can I change my way of thinking? Set up boundaries and not care if it offends, walk away immediately if the red flags, gut instincts kick in an not worry if I’m not being polite, etc. I’m not saying I want to be Bi@.......#$ now. I think you know what I mean.
I would have reacted the same way you did to your former inlaws. Did they ever contact you before/during/after the divorce? Did they ever aknowledge his behavior? My former inlaws were supportive/understood why I divorced. That helped.
Yes, I”m planning trips, outings, etc to give me breaks from thinking about this. I want to be careful about the amount of time/energy I think about the situation..think about him.
THank you again for your guidance through this process. It is so nice to have you and this group that truly understand what we go through. Try as we might, we can’t just say “oh well, it didn’t work out” and walk away unscathed as friends may seem to think.
Have a great day!!
Thistooshallpass and Slimone,
I too just want to have support here right now.
What I want is to return to the person I was before I met him…in 2006.
So much has happened and I am glad in a way that I was able to expierence it and be able to move on.
Its really been an eyeopener.
I have learned to trust my gut.
I have learned that I deserve more than a jobless, conartist who really did nothing but make me feel crazy, and sitting back watching it and loving it while working on 5-6 other “projects”.
I will be ok.
If I ever see him again I know that I will walk away.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I have complete faith you will not only return to the person you were in 2006, but a more improved and enlightened person!
I’m sad to say that this will be my last interaction with you. A lot has happened today that’s proved I’m not safe on here.
Take care of yourself. I can feel that you are finally in the place of sticking to NC. Please stay safe. I wish you the best! Thank you for being here for me. 🙂
Thistooshallpass,Kittylover,AnnettePk, Slimone and all of others that have posted here,
What’s happening?? Are you ok?
I read a post from you that you can’t use any electronics and can’t respond to any posts?
Does anyone else know what is going on?
I am worried and hope you can take action as I am assuming that #2 is hacking your emails or discovered you are posting here and is harassing you.
Please reach out to the domestic violence hotline and take this seriously.
I hope you are staying safe.
We are all here for you.
No idea. Haven’t been on for days. Are they okay?
Just know we are here for you.
Hugs. Thinking of you guys. Stay safe.
Since This Too posted that she was going to stay off LF for awhile, I am trusting that she made the best decision because one of her stalkers is apparently reading her posts here as I understand it.
I hope and pray she is finding other sources of support, and that she can find ways to protect her devices and internet access from the stalkers.
It may be best not to post much about This Too in case the stalker is still reading here.
I hope Thistoo is OK.
Strong”.you can do this. We all deserve so much more than we got from these slime balls. We forget that the more we interact with them, but as we keep our distance, and continue to feed our own lives with good things, it becomes less about ‘knowing’ this, and more about living it from our guts. I am certainly NOT the person I was before I met this last creep.
I am so much better. So much more loving with myself, my friends, and my family. My life is better all the way around”.the things that drew me to him are more or less ‘worked out’, and I know that for my part (and not his manipulations and lies) I am not so susceptible and naive. This is a really good thing.
I hope you find (if you need to) parts of yourself that will make you so much more than you ever were in the past.
xo, Slim
Thistooshallpass,
If you can please let us know that you are ok!
Stronginthecity
Slim,
Thank you. I am really in need of some support.
I find myself wrapped up in the trying to figure things out mode especially on the weekends.
Since he moved away…or so he says who really knows I have spent all of my time alone.
Thank goodness I have a party to go to tonight or I probably wouldn’t leave the house again all weekend.
AS much as I hate my job it does give me some relief where I dont have to think about things.
My house is a disaster and I just don’t care right now. He promised to fix all of the things but never did anything.
He claimed he had to move because the house he owns in FL that his ex wife raised the children alone in and bought her out after the divorce is falling apart.
I can’t believe I actually asked this creature to move in with me.I thank God for watching over me….it never happened.
I think about the bad behavior and his half truth craziness.
If he is truly in Fl I hope he stays there and leaves me alone.
He really is a slime ball.I actually think the ex wife has moved back there too so that he can avoid paying her off the rest of the money he owes her. Why am I even thinking about this sneaky bastard and what he is doing? He could not tell the truth if he was before a firing squad.
With his heart condition Im hoping that nature will just take its coarse. I know that sounds harsh but…true
I am hoping to get to the stage that I am done trying to figure things out.
Would you be willing to share your story and how you were able to move on?
If not I totally understand. I did meet someone recently but have decided I am not ready to be in a relationship right now.
I have nightmares every night and the last one was I was being bit by a large spider. I could feel the pain and it woke me up.
The educated professional me knows that this whole thing was a big lie and the woman side of me still think he did love me in some way but who on earth treats someone like that.
I still have the engagement ring he gave me for Christmas that never meant a thing.
It’s going to take the entire day to get myself ready for the party tonight but come hell or high water I am going even if I just stay for a bit.
I know I am depressed and most likely have PTSD.
I crawled my way through this before and will do it again.
Stronginthecity
For a good Monday Laugh out loud…..Saw this on Instagram:
How do I like my eggs?
umm,
In a cake.
sometimes you just need a good laugh with all the craziness going on in your life 🙂 🙂 🙂
AnnettePK,
Thanks for the update on Thistoo..I hope is is ok.
I can’t imagine my expath reading my postings here.
Actually I don’t think he would he able to focus long enough.
His mental illness, whatever it is seems to be getting worse.
He moved back to Florida thank God because according to him his house that his kids are living in is falling apart.
Truth he is lazy and broke and needed a place to live.
He’s been there for a few weeks and I am not sad one bit he is gone.
I am so relieved.He called me during the week and said he was going to come to my city to visit(even though he just left)and I was able to talk him out of it.
He goes on and on how the house needs all of this work, but mumbles relentlessly about picking blueberries, going to the beach and his cousin, aunt someone making jelly. OH BROTHER!!!
He has done nothing on the house, big surprise.
His rantings are so crazy that I don’t know how any sane person can even stand to be around him.
The house was where his ex wife raised his children..alone for over 20 years while he was out doing whatever…never home.
No wonder the house is falling apart. He complains now its sooo hot there. Hello its Florida in the summer. I found out the house does not have central air…one window air conditioner.
Have fun in Florida!
Stroninthecity
Consider that your refusal to interact with your ex spath will determine whether you will be safe from him, regardless of where he lives.
You might also consider having no contact with him no matter what, when you are ready.
Slim, AnnettePK, Kittylover and all my LF buddies,
Question..
I have been reading about sociopaths, bipolar and cluster B personalities.
I’m getting a bit confused and wondering if anyone knows if these personality disorders are the same or a group of separate disorders?
The reason I ask is that I have been in relationships with men that have these issues and know the common denominator is me.
I have to figure out why I keep attracting these men.
I am so happy he has moved away and now is my chance to get back to me but the new and improved me.
I do not ever want to get involved with anyone like this ever again.
I know what I want and will settle for nothing less.
I realize what I had with my expath was lust and not love.
Can anyone shed some light on this subject?
Stronginthecity
I am not sure if my understanding is accurate so you may want to confirm with another source. Bi Polar is the newer name for Manic Depressive, which is a mood disorder. This is not a cluster B disorder. The cluster B personality (character) disorders are Antisocial PD, Borderline PD, Histrionic PD, Narcissistic PD. Victims of spaths may be misdiagnosed as Borderline, based on PTSD symptoms which may mimic Borderline symptoms.
Determining never to get in a relationship with a disordered person, knowing what you want, and being unwilling to settle for less, provide a strong basis for you to avoid being deceived and victimized again.
I think that many aspects of modern culture and society lead to more spaths than in past generations, empower spaths and spath behavior, and fail to hold them accountable. There are less good, motivated men out there these days.
This article has some good ideas about dating practices that help avoid being victimized by a spath. There is a lot of other useful information on the website.
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-gift-of-time-managing-the-pace-of-a-new-relationship
SITC, As I understand these disorders, the common denominator is narcissism. This is for Borderline, ASPD; the cluster B disorders. Bi-polar disorder isn’t a personality disorder, it is a treatable chemical imbalance that causes faster or slower cycles of mania and depression.
The thing is a person with a personality disorder, generally speaking, will have other accompanying mental illnesses. They could be borderline and have bi-polar disorder, for example. Or be a sociopath, with paranoid tendencies. Or a psychopath with Borderline tendencies. They are milkshakes of mental illness.
This means that disordered people can ‘look’ very different from one another. What I have read though is to look for the underlying pattern of narcissism, which means all of the PD’s will be self-serving, and willing to throw you under the bus. Their methods for doing so may look a bit different, but they will accomplish the same goals, to get what they want when they want it , and not to let anyone get in the way.
Not including bi-polar (which is NOT a personality disorder), I see all the personality disorders as different flavors of malignant narcissism. I, personally, don’t even see it as ‘degrees’ of narcissism, based on what personality disorder they have. The professionals try to ‘suss’ out the fine details of each disorder, but I think they really fit under one giant umbrella, but have other co-existing mental health issues that ‘flavor’ them.
Like I dated a sociopath with flagrant narcissistic behaviors. He was loud, brash, a braggart, a loud dresser, life of the party, funny, and great looking, etc..but he was also a sociopath: deceptive, a liar, a schemer, and eventually stole a big sum of $ from me. He dumped me like hot potato once I called him out on his deceptions. I went no contact, completely. I found out, via a website, that he was doing these same things to dozens of other women, and had been his whole life.
I also dated a mental health therapist. He was soft spoken, a ‘helper’. I think he was a sociopath with borderline tendencies, and depression. He also stalked me for almost 4 years, after I broke it off only 3 months into a long distance thing. He moved to my town to stalk me. He tried to get me fired from my job. He told me his last girlfriend was bi-polar, and he came home one day and she had moved out with no forwarding address!
Plus, intelligence, wealth, cultural and familial influences; all these play a factor in how they do what they do.
Look for your gut feeling that something is ‘off’. Feel that. Look for manipulations: pity plays, getting too close too fast, being a drama king/queen, being too good to be true, dominating behaviors, pushing too hard and too fast to get what they want, asking you to do them favors, talking (even subtly) poorly about past friends/etc”
Slimone,
Thank you for sharing some of what has happened to you.
I know it’s hard to talk about.
I feel safe here.
You sound very intelligent and grounded.
I strive to get to a better place day by day.
I’m still not certain what mixture of mental illness affects him but I was able to talk to a mutual friend this morning.
He actually sent this older gentleman to my house to cut the grass . I met this man before and he is a lovely and very intelligent caring man who I never had the opportunity to talk to without the presence of the expath.
The first thing he asked me when I went out to greet him was “how are you”! Imagine that! I was able to get his # because he does odd jobs and I always need something done around the house but expath always had to arrange it before. We talked briefly about expath and I told him I was grateful he came by and how unreliable the expath is. I flat out asked him if he thought there was something off with the expath and he confirmed it. He didnt even know that expath moved back to Florida and said it’s probably for the best..kind of giving me the what in the world did you see in him kind of look.
I will never look past my intuition as it has ALWAYS been right.
I am just so grateful that he has moved away.
The calm, the peacefulness and my sense of just being me are still shall I say a bit confusing because I was caught up in the nonsense drama for so long.
Thanks for all of your guidance and support!
Stronginthecity
slimone
This is an excellent explanation of how sociopaths can seem to be all one animal and yet be so different in how they perpetrate their evil. My ex appeared to be very passive. As you note about the mental health therapist… my ex was similarly very gentle spoken, engaging, and welcoming…but in reality, he loved to instigate nightmare dramas and just sit back and watch the fireworks. My ex was able to inspire people to the level of violent murder. Ironically, revealingly, my ex was also pyro. He loved to set fires.
In my pursuit of understanding the nightmare of my marriage, I found a quote:
“Hell is run by Love of Dominion.”
For me, that explains my ex, a sociopath, in a nutshell. He sought dominion over his prey, at first with charm so I freely submitted to what I thought was a relationship path, until the end with his discard and humiliating smearing, where his control, abuse, and sadism became overt and life threatening and dangerous.
Again, I think most of us didn’t know about sociopaths except in hindsight. I don’t think it’s possible to know about the depths of such evil until we experience it. So I am at a loss on how to protect people BEFORE or at the moment of meeting EVIL personified. I think our society has lost it’s pragmatic protective wisdom, to listen to our gut feelings, and to know that honoring our feelings is NOT being judgmental or rude.
AnnettePK and Slimone,
Thank you so much for the explanations about the bi polar etc.
It’s very confusing.
Annette, I know I should not accept his phone calls and I will get there soon. I think the reason is that because I am still kind of scared of him, I can tell by the tone of his voice what type of mood he is in, also his mood swings impair his rational thinking such as jumping in the car and driving for 12 hours to see me. We don’t want that.
I need to know that he is staying down there for good and I’m afraid if I ignore him completely he will become upset and come here to bother me. He will use the “I love you and lets spend our lives together”on me. He knows I desire a relationship, just not with him. I am hoping he will eventually hook up with an old girlfriend there or meet someone else and just fade away. He knows I will never stand for his not working and being lazy. Maybe he will find someone who is ok with that. I told him that moving back to Florida was a good idea. To me its the best idea that he has ever come up with. He has plenty of family there to mooch of of and listen to his nonsense stories.
Our conversations are usually brief and it actually helps me keep my anxiety level down while I get myself better, stronger to deal with the craziness of what I thought was a relationship.
He still thinks he is a catch! He looks like a sick old man but can still be very charming to someone who is not aware of how sick he actually is. Hell, I fell for it. I hope to become as strong as you ladies are but truth be told, I am hanging on by a thread. I am fighting off depression day by day.
I don’t want to say I’m glad I went through this but as I mentioned before I have been in so many relationships with horrible men, including my ex husband who has terminal cancer. I feel bad for him but he was so horrible to me and I feel sorry for my daughter who is trapped taking care of him.
I am happy that I am educating myself and still able to function enough to go to work.
I am looking for new jobs too. Something closer to home, but looking back at all of my jobs no matter how close or far..even when I was making a great salary I was not happy.
I know I have to dig down deep and I have some ideas where this all stems from but I have to deal with it in layers.
I still catch myself wondering if I was too hard on him..then I say NO! I was not.
A healthy relationship is between 2 people who love, respect and compliment each other.
With him there were always warning bells going off and I can’t live in a constant state of worry, fear and someone who calls me crazy when I know I am not.
He loves his life of having no responsibility. That’s who he is.
I have come to accept that all of the lies he told me were just that. He was telling me what I wanted to hear.
Have a wonderful day!
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I understand that you’re not ready for NC yet – it took me a very long time to get there for a bunch of reasons. I also understand that you’re managing your ex to keep him from acting out in ways that would be detrimental to you. I also understand about your anxiety.
You might consider coming up with a plan that will work to free yourself from the situation. Maybe you could tell him one time only in a non-emotionally charged way without mentioning blame, without mentioning your feelings, without giving any reasons beyond generalities, ie. that you think it’s best for both of you that you move on. You could use the grey rock technique. After telling him once, go no contact, but don’t tell him it’s final and that you intend to have no contact. The chances of him fading away are better if you don’t give him any emotion nor drama nor anything he can hook you into an argument about. If you don’t specifically tell him you’re going to go no contact, he may not feel challenged to manipulate you into breaking it.
Even if you put off no contact, whenever you make that change in your life it’s likely you’ll experience a period of anxiety and grieving due to the change in your life.
While contact continues, it keeps you engaged with the concept of him as you get new material to think about with each encounter. Spaths are always harmful to their victims. I hope you can find a way to have nc – it made my life so much better.
Strong, I completely understand what you are saying as to why you don’t want to go completely NC.
However I agree that still being in touch with the spath inhibits our ability to heal.
When I started blocking, I felt like I was in a game of Whack a Mole. I’d block something and he’d pop up somewhere else. I felt anxious as to where he was going to strike next.
Therefore, since mine likes email hoovering, I reopened my email but I entrusted a very close friend to go in and change the password. She now monitors for me and will let me know if the emails start to become threatening. This way he thinks he is getting through to me…but I don’t see them (the only thing she told me is that he is sending 2 to 3 emails a day…we broke up 2 months ago).
I also read a suggestion of buying a cheap track/prepaid phone or getting a second line/phone. You give the spath the new phone number. He can call that number and you just let it go to voice mail. That way when you go out, you don’t have to worry about him calling. Even a few hours or day of NC helps clear your mind.
Mine was an email hoover-er too…
I ended up closing the email account, I found it too tempting to just peek and see if he emailed.
Now since May I am full on NC.
He has no phone number, email, or social media on me. It’s as if I died.
Sad it resorts to this. It’s not like this with any of my other exs.
And from your perspective, it’s as if he died.