Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
AnnettePK and amille2,
As soon as I finished writing that..the reason why I am still talking to him I realized how messed up that really is.
Who am I trying to kid? I have absolutely no business or reason to continue talking to him.
He left to go live in Florida because he is a lazy con artist bum.
He does not care anything about me and my house that needs tons of work, he promosed over and over to do it but never did a thing.
I know I have to go no contact.
I have really been doing the eye role every time I talk to him.
He said he had to rush on down there because his house is falling apart but still has done nothing but sleep, hang out with the grand kids and take a nap. Oh thats right he picked blueberries.Sounds exhausting.
I’m sure he is living his dream.
The problem is that for years he has been coming back and forth from Florida and my city.
I guess I am weaning myself from my addiction.
It’s been pretty easy!
Thanks ladies!
I do need a good kck in the butt!
Stronginthecity
Slim, Annette,
Great,great,great explanation of personality disorders- “flavors”.
The underlying narcissim in all of them, good way to understand it.
It’s all crazy! I think there are many more out there then the numbers say.
My ex best friend is still messaging several people “looking for me”…claiming she needs surgery. She kicked me when I was down in the worst way. Our friendship ended.
Just the fact that she is looking for me shows how dysfunctional her brain is.
I have to keep quiet and lay low so she goes away again
Hi Everyone, ((SITC!!!)),
Good for you Strong! Contact with a pathological manipulator is always damaging. Someone said it so well that as you learn ‘new’ information, it keeps that person alive for you, and even if you are eye rolling, you are also engaging in his being a ‘real person’; who in this case is a lazy liar, and has grandkids he see’s, and picks blueberries.
Who gives a shit, right? It is all a phony involvement for him and his ‘world’. You would be good to find ways to manage your own fear, and let ‘it’ go.
I changed every #, got off all social media. When he got through to me one time I let a friend read his email, and tell me what she thought. She told me his email was all about us being friends”.but that there were lots of ‘buried arrows’ in his seemingly friendly email. I know this would not have been so obvious to me at that time because I was devastated, scared, insecure, lonely, and confused. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I lost my job very soon after because my boss thought I was a drug-crazed loony. I don’t blame her, I did some very stupid things at that job, because I was having a total breakdown, and was so traumatized I couldn’t really cope. I was feeling totally terrorized and ashamed.
Going no contact DID FEEL SCARY. It was ‘keep your friends close”.and you ENEMIES closer’ thinking that made me want to contact him, so I knew what he was up to and could manage our ‘relationship’. But there is NO managing a relationship with a personality disordered person you have been intimate with, unless you are using an attorney or the police.
The constant fear goes away after awhile. In my case it was a crazy-flamboyant, loud, psychopath who stole my money that I was most devastated by. But after a time he went away. Moved onto new targets.
They do cycle around, sometimes decades later. I have seen the high-flying psychopath. It did not send me into an emotional tailspin, or upset me. I know what he is. I know what he is capable of. I no longer have feelings for him.
I was one of those women who also went for these types (disordered people). I have had multiple disordered boyfriends, and women I was friends with. For me the soul-searching revealed a long family history, including family members who were disordered. I realized that this style of relating, though hidden from my conscious understanding, was never the less familiar.
I was doing what any person would do to try and heal my own wounds: I was seeking a familiar pattern, and trying to influence it to have a positive outcome”.so that I could feel I was finally ‘in control’ of my life.
Of course now I know that trying to be in control of one’s own life by trying to heal others, and anticipate a glorious outcome, is a childish (and I don’t mean that judgmentally) endeavor. MY personal journey did involve learning about my own narcissistic co-dependency. It was a real eye-opener to discover I could’t heal a psychopath with my love and commitment, and that I was attracted to psychopaths because I was in contact with two of them my whole childhood.
And it wasn’t until I’d really LOST a lot (money, self esteem, critical thinking, happiness, my job, friends, appetite, sleep, etc”) that the pain was bad enough for me to look at ME as a way of avoiding THEM.
I learned the only way to settle into one’s own life is to be knowledgeable and connected to oneself.
Healing to all, in each of our own way”.Slim
Slim,
I love this! Thank you so much. Even talking to this guy on the phone ruined my entire weekend.
The nonsensical bullshit about this that and basically nothing. If you read the sory I wrote in 2014 you will see that I was involved with the same person in 2006…he up and left when I refused to put up with his bullshit(I did’t know anything about sociopaths back than) I just though he was another asshole. I was devistated and then in 2013 he decided to give me another go round.
Anyway he is truly pathetic. He is 50 years old and now lives off disability payments and food stamps. he has NO intention of getting any type of job because an afternoon of swimming is just too tiring.
His family is just as crazy as he is and the 2 kids never had a chance and even worse for them now he is living with them(he was never around when they were growing up).
The torture he has put me through in the last 2 years has almost knocked me down but I am NOT going there.
I know my parents really messed me up..thats a whole other story.
Will write more later on this Slim!
Thanks again,
Stronginthecity
I so get this Strong”by the end of my relationship I was exhausted. I mean spent. Even a few minutes talking or being around the Krazy One made me feel like I was sucked dry of every bit of energy and good feeling I had. Even if we just made small talk over dinner, it was constant manipulation by him.
You know they are so tuned into being in control they are very sly masters at manipulating even the smallest nuance in a moment. How much silence, the volume of discussion, the topic, the ending of a topic. They do it moment by moment, and we are never able, in the constantly changing direction of energy, to find our intellectual or emotional footing.
It is all so exhausting and so BORING. I found myself both wound up by the never ending evasions and misdirections, and at the same time I was bored out of my mind.
Never being able to connect with another person is really boring and draining. It is NO basis for a relationship. To me it was like trying to have an adult relationship with a 5 year old. BOR-ING!
Every one of these types ended up nearly boring me to death because I felt so disconnected. Funny though that it still hurt so much when I finally ‘woke up’ to what was really happening. I think, for me anyway, that most of the hurt was in the form of shame and humiliation. I finally realized who and what I had been involved with (and so MANY of them in my lifetime!). I felt such a level of shame and humiliation I couldn’t stand myself.
Forgiving me was the hardest thing.
Slimone…
thank you for that post. I feel as if I could have written in.. except for the fact… that I felt much more connected to a 5 year old or even a 1 year old than I did with my spath…. 🙂
and forgiving myself is the hardest part for sure….
Slim, Kitty,
Agree, Agree…
Only I didn’t have too much time to get bored because there was always something, but I thought how boring he was in reality…
The shame and humiliation was brutal to myself.
Thank you for sharing that.
Slimone,
You are so right…boring. It was the craziest thing.
When he would be by my house for days all we did was have sex and go out to dinner. We were playing house.
When he would leave to go back to his place he would call or text me on the way home and start dropping clues and hints to make me jealous.Crazy, crazy. Other than that we had nothing in common.
When we were not together he did his best to lie about just about everything.
He knew my schedule of coarse. I was at work.
Every day that goes by I miss him less and less.
He has nothing at all to offer me.
I can definatly relate on the shame and humiliation. Why oh why did I think this loser was good enough for me?
Why didn’t I think I deserve a million times better?
SITC
SITC,
Sounds just like us, sex and food.
Blech.
When not together it was constant contact and crazy-making tactics!!!!!
Boooooo
Me too, Slim, me too.
Attracted disordered types commonly, friends as well.
Looking back and realizing the truth about my mother.
This guy/relationship too caused me great enough pain that I had to look at myself- and start the healing journey to self-love and peace.
God Bless us all.
RTF,
As painful as it’s been, I have ‘finally’ gotten my background and conditioning. We are fortunate when we are the kind of people who can have personal insight, that helps us evolve into better versions of ourselves. We become deeper and more grounded in our self-knowledge.
The truth can set us free.
Disordered people never have the level of personal insight that frees them from their psychological disparity.
Hi Amille, how are you?
Hi Jan! As always, thank you for asking/caring. I hit a bit of a bump but am doing much better now.
Weird, because I was feeling very anxious one night…. Extremely so……sure enough, I saw him the next day. What are the odds we would be at a stop light at the exact same time? I did not acknowledge him, just drove off as soon as I could. At the risk of sounding dramatic, I felt evil radiating through the car.
I see why we really need to avoid them. The event triggered me for a bit…..but only for a bit. I can only imagine if I had talked to him. I guess the anxiety means my “gut” was warning me again….
Otherwise, I’m looking into taking a class of some sort, joining a Meet Up group, etc just to get out more.
How are you?
Hi Amille, your welcome. I’m doing good thanks for asking.
It’s very interesting how ESP (if you want to call it that) works….how our gut some how can look into the future and warn us. It’s crazy how things happen like you both at the stop light…blows my mind when those things happen. Makes you wonder what our minds are really capable of if we really listened to it and not talk our selfs out of what it is warning us or suppress our emotions so we don’t fully open our minds to what our minds are capable of especially capable of warning us of future danger or encounters (if that makes sense).
Triggers suck! Sorry you were triggered. The good news about a trigger is it reminds you that the best thing to do with a sociopath is follow the NC rule. Cut them out of your life all together to have peace & calmness not only in your life but in your mindset & emotionally too.
The first time I went to my ex h house I stood in front of him & told him he needed a cross for his house. I am not very religious but that is how I felt, I felt evil in his house. He quickly twisted my head away from my emotions. I have never told anyone that they needed a cross for their house. But Guess what my gut was screaming to me to get the heck out of his house that it was him that was pure evil. Now when I think of him or see a picture of him I see the evil in his face very very clearly now. I’m glad that you have it set in your mindset that your ex is evil that will keep you from ever going back to him.
Have a great day! 🙂
I find it very helpful to remember the times his mask slipped and the evil came out.
He liked to say he was just mad or frustrated that I would leave him.
Anytime I think maybe I like him…I quickly shift my thoughts to the evil.
I do not deserve that.
Dearest Remember to Forget (And I finally have.. 🙂 )… and Kaya…
Unreal how that mask would slip off…. and yet… when we saw the monster…. he would smoothly slip the mask back on…. with excuses… or tales of how he only did what he did b/c he loved us so much.. and was so afraid of losing us…
How EVIL is it… and this is when I started picking up on stuff… (They cannot keep their evil hidden forever… esp when you learn TO WATCH THEIR ACTIONS AND HOW THEY DO NOT MEET UP WITH THEIR WORDS!).
He was telling me on Saturday how much he loved me. took me to a pier on the beach at dusk… to tell me while looking in my eye that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. ‘No one can come between us. No person, no situation.” He told me I was being weird and paranoid of my suspicions ( I was RIGHT ON…)
The exact same hour… as we are driving in the car he suddenly says to me, “You know.. you are so pretty that if you want to… if I cant provide all you need b/c I am just a fire fighter.. you could so easily find a retired wealthy man here in South Florida who would fall for you and take care of you!”
Who says such opposing things or even thinks them in the same hour?
HOW SICK IS THAT?
No wonder I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was right above me.. hanging by a thread.
He toyed me me and my emotions and my love of him (Addiction) and my past abandonment traumas…. all for fun, free room and board, a new car. bills paid, a model looking woman at his side, sex, food — everything.”
When I replied, “Wait a minute… if you LOVE me and want to be with me for the rest of your life… why are you even entertaining the thought of my ever ever being with another man?”
HE REPLIED,
“There you go, being paranoid again.”
OH MY GOD I WAS IN THE BONDAGE OF EVIL… AND I thank the universe and God… and a pocket dial.. (him with another woman) and all of your for getting me back on the track of my life.
xoxoxox
kittylover,
Perfect example of constantly changing directions and themes to keep us off our center, and emotionally confused. What a douche he is. That must have just had you spinning to make sense of his intentions. What they say and do are never (over time) aligned. Geez!
I also have an example. Mr. Krazy decided to start flirting and checking women out in front of me. After a short time I decided to confront him. We were at a restaurant and I told him that I didn’t appreciate his looking at other women, and outwardly flirting with them. I told him it was painful for me, and that it made me feel insecure in the relationship. As he began to shift the conversation I became more aggressive and finally told him that there were also other fish in the sea for me. I got teary. (so strange to think back on this as I would not put up with this for one second, now).
He then became overly conciliatory. He apologized, and told me how bad it made him feel for hurting me. He looked sheepish. HOWEVER, the next morning he said he realized the solution (in a dream no less, he was very’spiritual’).
The solution was for me to STOP LOOKING AT HIM SO MUCH so I wouldn’t have to be hurt.
They are so crazy.
Kittylover,
Thats some sick sadistic shit.
I am so sorry.
Actions NEVER match the words.
Feel better
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Hugs to you to Strong.
I am now able to see his sadism.
I told my best friend of 30 years last night… a particular incident with him….
she texted back in CAPITOL LETTERS.
DO NOT EVER EVER TELL THAT TO ANYONE EXCEPT YOUR THERAPIST.
She said it was so bad… so sick… that for someone who loves me to hear it.. would be too painful.
and of course… never tell new folks, friends, acquaintances… people I will date… b/c they will see just how low and sick and broken I had become to receive such abrupt abuse and not only not KICK HIM THE HELL OUT OF MY HOME… but go along with his accusations of me… and defend myself every hour of my innocence.
If any person… man.. family.. coworker.. acquaintance EVER ACCUSES me of nonsense again.. b/c of the sickness in their own minds…. ADIOS. And I will not look back.
I just wish I had told someone at the time. But number one… I am new out here and do not know anyone… and number two… I felt GUILTY when he accused me of things!!!! HOW SICK IS THAT? I was brainwashed into thinking I COULD NOT BE TRUSTED AND WAS A BAD PERSON!
and guess what?
all of the things he was accusing me of… and was threatening to abandon me for….
WERE EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY…
WHAT HE WAS UP TO.
Kittylover,
Thanks for the hugs!
I certainly need them.
My trust for everyone is broken.
I am pushing everyone away.
I feel like the minute I open up I just get kicked in the head so I sit here and just shut up.
Then everyone asks me why I am so quiet?
There are bad people out there, work too.
I don’t trust most people I work with but I have good reason for that.
Just be glad he is gone, I know it was not what you had pictured for your life.
You have really been so strong with the no contact.
Much stronger than I!
SITC
KL and RTF,
To clarify…I would much rather talk to a 5 year old myself. But trying to have an ‘adult love affair and partnership’ with a 5 year old would be impossible. I didn’t mean to dis 5 year olds!
The shame and humiliation do finally resolve. It takes time, and it helps to keep reading and getting support from people who really GET IT. Over time it sinks in that the SHAME really belongs to the perpetrator, and the humiliation is because of THEIR behavior, and is more because we are SO embarrassed by how we were treated, and how much we tried to resolve it to no avail.
It’s OK that we tried and tried and tried to find resolution and peace. It’s quite natural to want to. It’s only when we finally get educated enough to know we cannot negotiate peace with a malignant abuser that we can let go and quit trying.
Peace to you both….slim
Slim,
Are you reading my mind right now?
I am feeling exactly what you are writing.
Your last post at 3:15 pm today
I too feel embarrassed. I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I made the mistake 1 time at work and opened up just a little bit to a co worker.
That was a hugh mistake.
Stronginthecity
(((Strong)))
I recognize the place so well, that is all. I also tried to talk to people who didn’t know about personality disorders. When I did this I was met with several kinds of responses.
1. He was a ‘player’ and I shouldn’t ‘look back’ and ‘get over it’.
2. How could I have fallen for such an obvious loser?
3. I should get online and start dating, to erase the memory of the loser.
4. That I was somehow defective and they quickly put a stop to the conversation.
This left me feeling even more insecure and devalued.
It is safest to talk only to people who have a solid understanding, and perhaps experience with, disordered individuals.
I has a good friend who really understood, and my therapist. Everyone else thought I was off my rocker. It was a lonely time.
slimone,
Ok. I actually brought the subject up at my sisters bday party of all places.
I was listening to a woman talk of how her college age daughter was so strong and well rounded.
It just flew out of my mouth “now you just have to keep her away from sociopaths”.
I know, I know…but guess what this well educated very friendly woman approached me later that evening and was really interested to hear what I had to say on the subject. I gave her the Cliff note version on my relationship and directed her to the website.
She thanked me.
It turned out that there is a family member that is involved with one.
The others in the conversation looked at me like I had 3 heads!
I can totally relate to #’s 1-4!
SITC
That was a great outcome! I also sometimes took ‘the plunge’ and several times over the years I have helped someone else discover what was happening in their life.
Plus, you sound like you brought it up in a more general way, to the party. This is less threatening than saying you were a victim of a con-man. This makes everyone (nearly) run screaming from the room.
People honestly believe they are too smart, strong, and capable to be hooked in. But, generally speaking, unless you have the real life education about sociopaths you are vulnerable.
I am glad you were able to provide some help for that woman.
Slimone,
Yes, it was! You are right though. Most people do go running as far away from you as possible.
I do think about some of my coworkers that are married though.
One woman a manager here making a nice salary has brought up several times that her husband contols everything with the finances.
She said that he was really upset because she went over her data on her phone plan and he would not allow her to upgrade her phone. BARF.
As much as I say I want a “normal” life with a stable relationship the thought of a man telling me how to spend my money is something I have not had to deal with for years.
After my divorce in 2002, I have always been on my own financially.
This dude couldnt finance a stick of gum.
I have always wanted to move to the country.
Everything in my life is screaming go!
I actually hate my job and it’s not even in the field of my profession so I would have no problem saying buh-bye.
My house is filled with beautiful equity and could be easily rented.
Spath actually thinks I am coming to Florida for his birthday. Ha!
I’m not wasting my precious vacation time with that evil monster.
SITC
Strong,
Consider emailing your ex to tell him you’ve changed your plans and you’re not coming to FL without giving any explanation. Letting yourself be sucked in to game playing with him will always turn out badly for the victim; and it will prevent you from moving on to something much better in your life for a while longer.
I’ve been reading the posts of all since last night and ladies. Wow. You are hidding it on the head for me. I needed it. Here I was a few days ago peeking and being hurt that he didn’t care. I feel embarrassed. I realize now everything about him was one manipulative move after another. Lies. Abuse. Crazy making. I too would have a much more intellectually stimulating conversation with a five year old than him. Let alone the five year old would be more willing to be in touch with his emotions as well- and prob be more truthful.
Me too what did we have in common? Things that never panned out. He would promise to do things that I too enjoyed when u wasn’t able to do because of being in a clinical trial/ radiation. Yes I am so ashamed to say but if he was talking to me it was all about him. His days. His problems. His family. His coworkers. Of course there was a lot. Or nothing to be said but computers. That’s fine. I tend to want to help people and I figure things out very well so he would always come to me for advice. ( until I realized a pattern- he would always have problems never know what to do about them, blame others come to me for how to make it better do it half assedely and then say he thought of it). That was what tipped me off. Then he wouldn’t commit to the healthy behavior thus creating the problem all over again. Then suddenly he wouldn’t be speaking to that person. ( which now I see the truth of it all. I enabled his mask not to fall off and when it did that person didn’t speak to him). Because of where he worked had thousands of people come on and out- all companies working together there was never a list of people he had to impress or keep his mask on long enough. Which is a shame. But when it came to us when I was int he hospital or back to back with appointments, he was not around. Never answering. Silent treatment. When I was feeling better it was as though nothing happened to me and business as usual. Playing house. He got to be man of a house because he was still babied at home. I taught him how to cook, how to do things around the house. Even how to fix his car. It’s the little things. Then I would get a follow up from a doctor and have more appointments in a couple of weeks. During that time was him half ignoring. Then promising of all the things we’d do after the appointments. I don’t know if it was to get my hopes up to give me strength or what but by the time the third time of this happened it tore my soul.
Then add the in between facts of him some part of the hour was a committed soul and then a quick shift ( like a light switch) it would be the opposite. Just like kitty described the crazy making behaviors.
Before I was diagnosed I was busy working full time and always having hobbies. Also helping with shelters and helping out the community. He hated that. Never joined in. It was me always doing what he liked ( if I was ever invited), or he would come over and play house. He had weird timing scheduling so it was always after his work. (12-1 because he’d have to go home and shower first even though he didn’t mind seeing his friends from work without a shower and spend 2,3 hrs with them), so he expected to come over 1-3 am some nights when I was working would have to be up at 6 -7 am and when I was diagnosed he was annoyed that sometimes I wouldn’t answer my phone because I was asleep and I just wouldn’t wake up. But when roles were reversed. Boy don’t you dare bother him when he was asleep. Don’t you dare even think of asking. For him it was a given you had to do what was convenient to HIM.
In all typing this we didn’t have much in common. I thought we could have but I realize it was him just lying. All the time.
An honest caring ethical person will never have anything in common with a selfish person who is motivated to exploit and abuse others.
The timing of his visits was inconsiderate and abusive as well as weird.
AnnettePK,
I second that post.
They are so inconsiderate.
EVERYTHING is about them.
I remember getting the crap every Saturday when I wanted to sleep in or if I had something important scheduled like doing my taxes it was always sabotaged.
Stronginthecity
Tell me about it. Anytime I would question if he would get all aggressive or silent. I know his work schedule was work for obscene amount of hours for four days at a time and then the rest of the week off. Then he would change day shifts ( which would result to only seeing me at those hrs), to night shift where he would and could see me during the day. Lest us not forget his days off. What was really weird was he never had money. Ever. He owed his parents, he owed his family members, he owed me but I was stupid I did everything I could to make him happy. ( no thank you did I ever receive).
Yes it was ridiculous. The MOST ridiculous thing is if and when I’d bring it up to him he would divert it being my fault. I can’t even say if he actually had a job. He had a uniform, so I just figured. My neighbors thought it was weird too but I those are the hours if you work where he works. I guess. Anytime I would ask for him to be respectful to my work schedule and sleep schedule it was constant fighting. So I would give in a little. It was a nightmare when I went to school to finish my degree. That’s when he was cheating on me. Working night shift ( so he was with her all nights), and coming to me for money sex and a house, etc. Yeah I questioned things but he always. Always had an excuse and explaination. Then if I didn’t believe him I was the bad one. I never met anyone like him before. I mean I now have no trust for anyone. I am at that point that people have to actually earn my trust. I too also realized you can’t talk to anyone who has no idea what you’re going through. There was a post on thisi just read. When in the hospital I was consistently asked about him. It was tiring. How come he wasn’t there. How come he didn’t bring me to the appointments. The doctors nurses and other patients in the same treatments as I. It was awful. It was soul shattering towards the end. At first I would cover and by the end of it I was just drained. Too tired. Of everything.
The truth of the matter is I agree with these posts. An honest and ethical person communicate. There is no crazy making. There is no confusion. They make an effort. I was so used to being the only one caring if everyone was happy. Well if he was happy. He was happy as long as I didn’t question anything and didn’t ask for respect. Like these hours. He thought I was being difficult and crazy and a ***ch for asking for normal respectful hours. His idea of “helping” was my last treatment, dropping off food. At this time it was bad. I couldn’t get out of bed on my own for very long. I had a nurse come in and help me during the days ( I have no family and I didn’t want to burden my friends), he refused to help. Never offered. The only time was to bring food. When? 2 am. At that time I was awake twice a day for meds, bathroom and physio. Not at 2 am. Never mind having a hard time walking to go to the bathroom- he expected me to stay up, or get up walk down the hall, open the door and down the stairs to let him in. I was being controlling, dispicavle and unbelieveably difficult. Apparently. This was on his days off to boot. So if I depended souly on his help I would have starved to death. He did this four times in a year. That was him helping. Each time getting mad. Each time leaving it on my door. The food? It was half a sandwich one fruit and one bottled water. Don’t get me wrong- I appreciate the thought but seriously? I would never do that to someone I’ll and needing help. I was never a burden. I never put any of my responsibilities on him. But seriously? Yep. That was this past year. That’s how ” acceptable of your diagnosis I am” he would say. He would bost. It made my insides cry but I was way too weak to argue. At this point no one should have to. That was just obscene. Even to think that’s ok is wrong.
Yeah these guys are selfish to the degree of evil. I didn’t deserve that.
Obscene is a good word for his behavior. Can you corroborate from an independent source that he really was working when he said he was? It’s possible he was lying that he was working but was really somewhere else doing something else. When things don’t add up, like him not having any money in spite of working, it usually indicates that one is being lied to in some way.
You might consider whether there even is any thought to be appreciated in his bringing you a sandwich at a time so inconvenient to you that it’s more trouble to deal with than it’s worth. Was anything preventing him from being a real help to you during your illness?
You are right that you didn’t deserve to be abused. You are right not to trust blindly, but to wait and trust new friends/acquaintances after they have earned it.
Blue,
It always hits me when you write about his treatment towards you while going through cancer. You know I survived it twice, and actually, my own mom did a very selfish horrendous thing to me while I was having treatment.
Think about it…you couldn’t even have cancer!!!
It’s one thing for people who don’t do well with the whole cancer thing, but to be a cold, distant, selfish ass to someone who has it, that you love?!
My dear, you deserve all the love that the world can bring.
xoxo
Annette and and remember,
(I’m replying to this post because there was nothing abling me to reply to your posts.)
Sadly no I do not know anyone who works in that large building anymore. Those who did would always leave saying it was toxic and the relationships would feed off one another. So when I first heard he had an oppertunity and he was actually excited about work and it was there I supported him but inside I had a gut wrenching feeling. I knew his impulses were low simply because he used to ro drugs and he saw how he spent his money when he had some. No thinking of the coming weeks, bills, etc etc. His parents would always help him out. No matter what. ( I realize that should be a sign and I should have backed away). So is he actually working I don’t know. My guess is yes because his parents ( father mostly. The one he wouldn’t get along with but now I realize is the exact mirror image of beside being responsible), would have a fit and his parents were not known to communicate because of their cultural upbringing. Which the ex would blame the communication problems relentlessly on them. ( yes it could be the root but you are an adult now stop blaming your parents and start learning how to communicate effectively was always my mind set, his was blame others, promise this and promise that.) remember I am so sorry to hear of your battling but I am very glad for you being a survivor. You know how tough and emotionally strained and physically debilitating this disease can be. Thank you very much for your kind words. It’s all appreciated. I’m learning. I grew up not in a good environment and I see now I was the scapegoats of the adults around me. I was also the one who was peacemaker and asked for help. I see how his patterns even though he knew of my past transpired to be like my past. No amount of communicating with him worked. Stonewalled aggressive, changed subjects or projection. In the end silent treatments. He treated me like I doll in the worst way. When I was very bad off my friends who had helped with me and the fact my pet was dying and I wanted them to die on their own time and taken care of well until then- he never helped. He just said ah that’s too bad, and when the day came they were going to die that day, he refused to pick up the phone. I was home, it was freezing outside, I had a wheelchair and had tubes out of me and even though he said I could call for anything and he would help ( his promises he made to when the last silent treatment ended and part of his apology to me) he wasn’t there. I even called his parents place and heard him tell them he was busy watching tv he would call back. That was when I had it. It was one thing to treat me badly and excuse it but I did see he freely doesn’t care about me my feelings and what happens. There is something terribly wrong. I would never do this.
My pet was the most loving affectionate animal. He grew up with her. When it came time to have my surgery I was just heart broken. I lost my family. Physically I was healing but my heart was broken. Before surgery my doctor had made a few remarks at appointments prior to what would have come to a surgery. Even nurses who knew people who worked on his building were coming to me telling me about this guy’s behavior. So now I look back and it’s either him or not him but knowing now the treatment he gave me, and how he spoke to the doctor. It’s inexcusable. He pretends to care. To be shy and to be loving. I would understand the hours of he was a doctor but what he does. He doesn’t save people. For me it’s the people in my life that mean the world to me. Animals included. That’s why I also find it sick that he has the urn and ashes and my personal stuff. He does this to hurt me. Just as people have posted here. They contact us when they need something. He was never responsive. Ever. Only exception when someone was watching. If his parents were around. For example. Or at the beginning when the doctors had to call him. When he saw he actually had to be respectful and come in to meet them before they would take him seriously all respect was gone. Lost. It’s amazing.
To me all of this blows my mind. I understand it more now because of this site. Because of reading and educating myself. These men only think of themselves. It’s a shame we still can’t talk openly and are judged culturally. There should be a database of all of them out there. Again thank you for all of your kind words. I hope anyone reading knows we all deserve to be loved. These men don’t love. I see that now.