Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Remembertoforget,
They are all the same man!
I had a chance to read an article on here about sociopaths as parents.
This is such great info.
I feel that my expath now living with his grown children is a HUGH mistake.
I don’t really know how damaged the children are. I did have a chance to meet the 20 year old son, and mainly seemed irritated with his father. I could tell that he was annoyed with his fathers stupid stories and antics. The older one, 24 I never met but he has quite a temper.
I am sure that he is annoyed to no end that dear old dad is living with them.
He was never around when they were growing up. Now that the ex wife has moved out he has moved back in!
Poor kids!
SITC
SITC,
So is it just him and the kids?
The thought of spaths being parents grosses me out.
My ex has 2 small children, and she left one day with them when he was at work.
And the whole time i’m thinkin he was Mr. Dad and that I was gonna be a step mom…
Wow. Gross.
Remembertoforget,
Yes he had to move in with them because he couldnt afford the studio basement apt anymore.
No thoughts of GETTING A JOB.
Those kids were raised with the mother and he was never there.
She actually did a really good job.
One thing they dont need is him. They are 20 and 24….
He is a lazy bum. He is happy with only a disability check.
I’m pretty sure he got a vasectomy thank goodness.
He has another son that was a result of a teenage fling.
Thank goodness the girls family stepped in and he had nothing to do with that son until he was in his 20’s.
Yes, gross.
I am just thanking my lucky stars that I did not have any with him, nor did he ever legally live in my home.
Smart cookie to take those kids and run.
Did you ever get a chance to talk with her? Just curious if you ever heard her side of the story.
Stronginthecity
SITC,
No, I never got to hear her side.
His cousin just said she was messed up, but then again, so is the cousin that told me.
Anyone who is going to be involved in his life is certainly messed up. I finally get that, and why he has had long relationships…
That’s why I didn’t make the long haul, I guess it’s not in me to down-grade so much. Ha haaa.
All joking aside though, it was hell afterward, of course.
I am glad that your exs kids turned out ok, and that she did a good job with them.
Thank God!!!
Kitty,
So glad to hear you say well, read… about you getting back on track!
It does happen. You came here for a reason, you are a fighter, a survivor, a seeker of truth.
This site is a God-send…(Donna) and all these wise people.
I still have thoughts, but now, they are more like whispers.
The other morning as I opened my eyes my first thought was about laundry…not the Spath.
Now that, my friend is progress!!!!!
You will get there too. Promise.
Kittylover,
There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong.
You keep taking care of you and talk to your therapist about how to deal with the triggers.
Every dog has his day!
Karma baby!
You are going to be ok.
I promise.
SITC
Kitty,
I have the dreams(nightmares) too.
They are starting to subside now.
It’s your minds way of releasing the anxiety.
I see him in my dreams and he is always a horrible distorted figure.
I had 2 dreams the other night I was bitten by spiders on my hand. The pain was so horrible I could feel it on my hand.
It will get better. You have done so well with no contact.
I totally undersatnd exactly how you feel.
I got a text today that I was a horrible person for not jumping on a plane to go see him for his birthday, that I caused a fight between him and his grown sons. I was like..ok…lets see.
You moved down there. I’m supossed to take time off work and spend all this money to see you on your birthday and then have caused a fight between you and your kids!
Just keep no contact.
Mine is across the country and still causing me grief.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Good for you for not responding to his text!!!!! Keep up that good work you are doing for yourself. Next step is not reading his texts, if you can do that safely.
After a period of NC, I noticed how much worse I’d feel when I heard something about my ex psychopath or got a communication from him.
I feel as though i’ve been slightly triggered too Kitty, since yesterday at work.
I work in the salon industry and you get alot of N type people in the biz, or just flat out wack jobs.
Anyways, i’m a big girl now so I won’t let the co-worker that has had a stick up his ass and is being nasty to me since yesterday infect me. HA.
I did feel slightly infected, and after thinking how alot of people are such asses, it led me to thinking about the spath and how ass he was.
I’ve been surrounded by meanies this week.
Hmph. Just gotta keep our chin up and don’t let the bastards get us down!!!
I just want to say thank you for sharing. Kitty hang in there. You are a good and loving soul. That should be celebrated. Especially in times like this. Same with the rest of us. That is a VERY good mantra. Thank you for sharing. I too am very insecure and terrified of others using he same tactics he did. Very weary. I also have nightmares every night I can’t wait until they subside. You are not alone. Strong good for you for not responding. I’m proud of you. It’s very clear he is doing everything he can. Remember you deserve better. All of us deserve genuine love. Even in the hair dressing community. ( bless you I don’t know how you last all day with the divas!). Just wanted to put that out there.
Remembertoforget,
Hugs to you! I work in a corporate office setting with mostly women and I can only imagine the drama that takes place in your field.
With all that is going on in our personal lives I know how hard it is to ignore the drama at work.
I have to take a lot of PTO time lately.
Then I sit home and get nothing accomplished because I look around my house at of the projects that the spath promised to do…still left not done.
Everything is so annoying. I don’t even know where to start.
I am going to make a dr appt this week and possibly get some blood work done because I just feel off.
I am pretty sure I have PTSD, the nightmares are getting worse again and my sleep patterns are off.
I spend most of my time alone.
I do have my kitties, they love me and they make me happy.
SITC
Strong,
I don’t think any normal human being experiences abuse and trauma without getting PTSD. It is a normal response to abnormal traumatic events. It’s my understanding that the longer one suffered trauma and the closer the perpetrator, the more severe the PTSD is. For example, being physically injured by a tornado is likely to cause less severe PTSD symptoms than being emotionally abused for years by a partner in a relationship that is supposed to be based on love and trust.
SITC,
Do you see a therapist or psych?
I can’t remember if you said you did.
I did and it helped, well the Dr. part did.
Good that you are going in to get blood work and stuff.
We must take care of ourselves.
I’m new to this site. I’m grateful to read your stories. Although heartbreaking. Unfortunately my last ex isn’t my first disordered. My therapist has shown me I’ve had a few. Who knew?
It’s been a hard journey. I no longer talk to my ex. I don’t no where to turn. I have a great therapist who gets what I’m going through. I’ve lost people in my life because of my ex. I have a strong support system of people who decided to look ex’s bs.
I can’t seem to rid myself of the drama. I don’t believe in the lies anymore. I’m trying to move on. I feel helpless because I can’t escape the drama/lies. I feel like my life is being sucked out of me. The farther I run the closet my ex seems to come.
Thank you for being here. I don’t know where to turn anymore.
I think I’m feeling numb. Can this all be real? People belive me but they don’t understand.how can you go from one moment of being head heels to finding out your ex may as well be the devil in disguise? It’s been over a year and I still feel the same.
I know how bad he is. But my heart still misses what he was. I’ve had to change my number 5 times in the last year. How he keeps finding me who knows. Why I still wake up every morning with him haunting my thoughts I will never understand.
Please help me.
KeepingOn, so glad you found your way to Lovefraud. This is a great site for educating yourself on your ex’s disorder & for wonderful support. Feeling “numb” is normal…so is being shellshocked….or mad, angry, sad then back to feeling “numb”. It’s a process to heal your body, mind & spirit after having the devil himself in your life.
I would recommend that you go to the very top of Lovefraud and read everything under each tab & watch all the videos over and over. Then relate the material to what you went through in your relationship this will open your mind up from your ex’s mind control & brain washing.
Donna Anderson (Lovefraud site creator) has authored several books on the subject & if you look to at the top under the red tab “book store” she has a list of books that she recommends. My counselors had me read “Women who love psychopath” by Sandra Brown which I highly recommend. Another book is Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan. This book will educate you on the fact your ex was a mini Cult leader and you were his cult follower. Cult leaders (sociopaths/psychopaths) use all types of techniques to mind control their victims (SCARY to think about) and this is what you have to unravel in your mind.
If you ever feel like you want to share your story with everyone here on Lovefraud you can send it to Donna and she will posted it on the main thread. You can posted it anonymously or under your post name. It’s a great way to get good feed back & support.
Just know you are not alone anymore. We sadly understand the hell that you went through & what you are enduring now. Have you thought about filling a restraining order against your ex? This may give you some peace of mind. You can contact your local abuse center for help with filing a restraining order.
Do a search on LF & on the net for “gas lighting abuse”.
You state: “I can’t seem to rid myself of the drama. I don’t believe in the lies anymore. I’m trying to move on. I feel helpless because I can’t escape”. Can you elaborate on this? If you are not talking to your ex who is he creating drama in your life or why do you feel you can’t rid the drama?
Hugs to you 🙂
KeepingOn,
Welcome. You are defiantly in the right place for support.
This is the best site for information and support because we are real people who have been there.
We get it.
Defiantly read all of the tabs on top like Jan7 suggested. Also the videos and books by Donna are a must.
It sounds like you are caught in what is called cognitive dissonance..stuck in between what was real and the idea of what he told you was true, which was of coarse a lie.
The reason he keeps finding you is because he wants to keep you in the rotation of puppets that he manipulates.
We are here for you and will NEVER judge and make you feel bad.
These evil people exist, unfortunately.They are very damaging and will come in and out of your life and cause major trauma. It’s hard to let go as getting caught in the drama becomes your norm.
Extracting yourself will help your heart heal of the idea of what you thought was real.
You say you miss what he was.
What he was a lie.
Stalking and socios go hand in hand.
They just love to keep tabs on you.
Mine would break into my house and move things around until I finally installed a security complete with cameras.
He says I love you like other people say hello.
I don’t think he ever even liked me.
I don’t think he even likes women.
Thank goodness he has moved away.
He still tries to contact and manipulate me.
I don’t let him.
You go ahead and vent. Let it out.
Other people do not understand. We do.
We are here for you.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
My ex P didn’t ever like me, he definitely doesn’t like women, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like people, and his actions indicate he doesn’t like God. He’d like to be god…
I just read an article stating that Narcissists do not like women. We are weak because of our emotions.
I can’t think of one woman in my spath’s past that he spoke with admiration.
Funny but I never really picked up on that before now…huge red flag for future
Stronginthecity,
I read your story. How horrible! I can relate in ways. After reading on here it’s like we’ve all been with the same horrible people.
I’m so much better then I was in the beginning, at least on how to bring myself back to a better place. I’m dealing with a lot right now. My past. Some stalking. I think the stalking may be worse than I thought it was. Maybe I’m just being parinoid.
So scary your ex would enter your house. Good work getting cameras. I felt like might was lurking get after we broke up so I got cameras for a piece of mind. They’ve helped.
I think you’re right about the cognitive dissonace. I’m dealing with PTSD and still have times when I question reality. I’ve been reading a ton and feel better now that I’ve joined this community.
Thank you for your support.
My ex hates women too. Even when he claimed his undying love for me I could feel his resentment and see the anger hate in his eyes.
Keepingon,
Yes, they hate us, but yet they need us, and have all kinds of things with us.
What a miserable existence.
KO,
Aka Knock out…lol
And although my ex fits the ASPD or spath, he is a covert Narcissist, I know they have all flavors, but something has triggered me about all that.
I hate it.
Remember,
Knock out. I like it!
My ex was a covert narc as well. And from what I know of him I’m leaning in the pshycpoath direction. Not that it matters. What matters most is that he abused me, was good at it and is a very mean and vandictive man.
I couldn’t even begin. Imagine I got what it feels like to foster that much hate toward people they need to feed their needs. My ex is pathetic.
Anything in particular triggering you? I’m apparently trigger happy as of late. It’s a dark and scary place to be sometimes. Trigger sad is more like it.
KeepingOn aka Knockout!,
The last sentence of your post was scary to me, the resentment in his eyes.
He made comments all the time about how women were all the same, like we are in a club or something.
He is downright scary and although he has moved out of state that will not stop him from jumping in the car and driving 15 hours nonstop to come back here.
His puppets are here. He has done this all his life.
His wife and children lived in Florida but he was always here.
I would always ask him why. His answer, I could not live with her.
I think there was more going on there but I knew I would never get an answer so I stopped asking.
When he resurfaced 7 years after he disappeared it started with stalking. I caught him driving past my house.
I was working at home at the time and would open my blinds in the morning and I would see him drive by. In different cars. The run in in the store parking lot is still a mystery to me. I thought he must have been following me…he had to have been. There was no way that was coincidental.
When he got my number from a mutual friend he said he was here visiting and going to another state to work but then I saw he was really back in Florida for his sons graduation. I saw the pictures online.
Thats why he hates the internet so much because its proof of his lies but he loves when people talk about him.
When he gave me an engagement ring for Christmas(it’s beautiful) it was actually one time he listened to what I had told him a long time ago when we talked about rings.
I showed him pictures of ring styles I liked and he actually remembered and bought it.
So you can see how this is all so confusing for me.
Why spend all that money on a ring that means nothing.
He is not a wealthy man. He actually did buy it at a jewelry store it really is a beauty.
I have been in abusive relationships before but this is a frickin Lifetime Movie.
I still feel on some level and in his crazy head that he does feel some kind of crazy love for me.
I also think he knows there is something wrong with him and actually has let me go to his doctor visits with him and talked about his depression and disordered thoughts but like most of them is more comfortable living this way, running away and being him.
There is nothing more I can do.
I don’t think he would physically harm me but who knows.
I know I must stay away as much as I miss the idea of the fantasy that he created in my head.
His birthday is a very touchy subject..I want to say happy birthday because thats what normal people do.
I have to think about it.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
It is very confusing when a spath does something that appears loving, like remembering your ring choice and buying it for you. Focusing on the big picture of all his words and behaviors taken as a whole, can help us think clearly. Overall actions will accurately reflect a person’s true motive. A spath will do loving things when he thinks it will work to get something from the victim. If his motive was loving, then all his behavior would always be considerate and loving. Remembering your ring choice proves that he can remember your requests and expressed needs and desires. Therefore, if he ignores your expressed needs when he has been shown to be capable of remembering and meeting your needs, he is deliberately choosing to ignore them.
From what you have posted here, it appears that you have enough information to know that your ex isn’t good for you and does not consistently include in his motivation your best interest. Consider that any one of his negative qualities, like hating women, is enough reason to continue not having any contact with him.
It’s my understanding that holidays and birthdays are times when survivors are most likely to reconnect with their ex abusers. The memories and emotions associated with these special times encourage survivors to give the abuser another chance. Sadly, in an adult past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
Keeping On,
I relate to what you’re going through. I’ve been out of a fake ‘marriage’ to a psychopath for a couple of years. It does get better; you will feel better.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job surviving; finding a good therapist who understands will help.
I understand that you miss the person he said he was. It is normal to grieve the loss. In my experience it is worse to grieve the loss of someone who never existed, who betrayed and abused and exploited; than it is to grieve the loss of a good relationship. I understand about the betrayal; being betrayed is the most horrible feeling ever, and it takes time and work to process and work through.
It sounds like you are being stalked by your ex. Consider if the reason you wake up with him haunting your thoughts could be because your ex wants you to continue to focus on him. Spaths like power and control and to make others miserable and afraid. My ex was sadistic; perhaps yours is?
Consider that you are probably experiencing symptoms of PTSD. Are you doing anything to treat those symptoms?
Take care.
Thank you all for your replies and support. I appreciate your words of encouragement and advice so much. I will respond more later. I just don’t have it in me right now.
I’m having such a bad day and am so tired. I am so much better these days than I was in the beginning. I have more good days than bad now but I had a horrible nightmare about my ex last night and am letting myself cry today.
In my dream I was sexually assaulted by a stranger and my ex acted like he didn’t believe me. He dismissed me, laughed at me, said it was all in my head and that I was crazy. There was so much more to the dream.
This morning I realized that my nightmare is a perfect reflection of the relationship we had. He was the stranger who assaulted me throughout our relationship without me knowing. After we broke up he told me I was crazy and that everything was in my head. Our whole relationship was a lie. He is a lie. I wish this all was in my head and I had made him up because then he wouldn’t exist. He wouldn’t haunt me and exist solely to cause others pain.
Keeping On,
I hope you’re feeling better today, and that this will be a better day for you than yesterday.
Your dream and your understanding of the meaning sounds like an accurate account of spath abuse.
It sounds like you’re going through the worst phase of recovery. It’s unbelievably painful and it takes a lot of work. You will fell better. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Annette,
Thank you. Today is a much better day. I spent the day with a positive friend and it helped.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt like I’m at stage one again. Not sure what that’s about. I do know that I’m beginning to face other demons from my past before I met my ex. I think it’s stirring up a lot for me. I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I trying to take one moment at a time.
I fear a lot of people now. This has been tough for me. I’m not a fearful person by nature. I hope to find a more peaceful state of mind eventually.
KO,
The few short comments you have posted describing your ex sound like a psychopath to me. I characterize my ex as a psychopath also.
You wrote that you fear a lot of people now, and that it’s not your nature. It may be a symptom of PTSD and it will fade. I allowed myself to feel whatever I felt and I indulged my emotions. For example if I didn’t feel like getting out of bed some days I didn’t. I found that I worked through negative emotions quicker that way. At other times I felt like I needed to push myself to do things – for example spend time with people when I didn’t particularly feel like it. It’s hard to describe, it was kind of an intuitive process where I tried to stay in touch with how I felt and what was the best way to deal with how I was feeling.
Annette,
My therapist had advised much the same as you. That’s why I let myself sit around and cry ysterday. I’m glad I did.
I’ve gone through stages of trying to put myself out there. I went through a long time of feeling I had to live for him. For a while I chose to not spend time with people and live for me only. There have been times when I force myself to see poeple. Lately I am noticing that although I have fewer people in my life I am surrounded by positive people who I chose to share more time with. It feels good.
I don’t feel right in myself but I’m feeling better with those I surround myself with. It’s a start. I don’t speak of him as often. That’s why I came here. It’s helping.
I don’t feel comfortable sharing my story in lengthy detail. At least not now. It seems we all share similarities on here. From what I’ve read all of our stories are similar and I can still post and gain insight.
I’m still wondering the difference between a sociopath a and psychopath. I’ve read so much and am still having a hard time distinguishing between the two.
KO….I’m not an expert… but basically from what I read a Sociopath is the same as Psychopath. One implies the disorder is rooted in the persons environment (Sociopath); while the other is rooted in being born with the disorder (Psychopath).
Others feel it could be a combination of the two that are the root cause.
Throw in cover and overt Narcissists….
They all fall under Borderline Personality Disorder umbrella…
Hi Kittylover,
I just finished reading your post about the bills being sent to your house.
Ouch, what a horrible reminder. So sorry girl.
So they were for STD screens? Did you know about these before?
Given his irresponsibility I’m surprised that he actually went to the dr.
What are you going to do with them?
Has he ever tried to explain anything or reach out to you? I know you have the RO but if not thank your lucky stars.
SITC
Kitty,
I would put back in the mail labeled NOT AT THIS ADDRESS!!!
🙂
With spaths the best course of action is usually no response whatsoever. If the ex spath wants a copy of the test results or any other paperwork he can always go to the sender and request a copy sent to his new address. If the spath somehow finds out that the mail was returned by his victim, he will see it as a small victory that he got his victim to respond even in some small way.
Kittylover,
That’s gross you got those bills in the mail. What a creep. That last thing you need are negative reminders of him.
I too have been diagnosed with PTSD. I’ve been in recovery for a while now but I feel like I’m in the beginning stages again. I’m not sure why except for I’m starting to deal with other relationships from my past.
In retrospect it’s only been a few months since NC so maybe I’m finally now just starting to heal?
The numbness comes when I start questioning myself. I think he’s stalking get me in ways I don’t know and it’s been very stressful.
I’m sorry you were with such a con man. You deserve better. We all do.
KeepingOn, there are a lot of disordered men on this planet….1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths/psychopaths. Experts like Havard Professor Dr Martha Stout (author of The sociopath next door) states that we meet a sociopath in passing everyday whether the deli line, at work, at a friends party and she also states that we have at least on in our circle of friends/family. Think about it this way every class you sat in in elementary, middle school, high school & college had at least on sociopath in the classroom. And it you work with 25 people there is at least on at your work place.
In addition 1 in 5 people (75% men) have narcissist personality disorder (just as abusive as a sociopath). So you can see why you have connected with so many men that are disordered. The good news now is you are educating your self on how to spot on. The book “How to spot a dangerous man” By Sandra Brown is a must read prior to dating again, although the book does not label the disorders it goes into great detail about what type of men to avoid.
It is recommend until you are full healed you should not date because a disordered individual such as a sociopath can spot a vulnerable individual from a mile away.
Jan7,
It’s so scary to me that ghere are so many diaordered people put there. I knew about the sociopath numbers but had know idea there were so many narcissists. That frightens me.
Good call on not dating too soon after. I think that’s why my ex pursued me. I’m just now coming to terms with the fact I’ve had relationship with other disordered men, I just didn’t know it. I met my ex right after I got out of a relationship with a very bad man. I was in a bad place and tired to resist my relationship with him but he pursued me until I finally caved.
Your suggestions about reading are spot on. I’ve been reading for many months now which had directed me to this site many times. I decided to join this community because I need more support. I’ve read the sociopath next door and some others. I looked up how to spot a dangerous man yesterday and it looks like helpful read. Not that I’m anywhere close to thinking about dating!
My ex is still creating drama by smearing me. I’ve had to let go of a lot of people. I can’t handle any more negativity and do the want people to have my phone e number. I went NC a few months ago. We communicated via email. He kept finding out my numbers though and that concerns me. I changed my email address so he contact me that way anymore. I feel like he’s stalking me. Maybe electronically? He’s good at that stuff. The man practically needed his phone and computer to breathe.
I went to the police and they weren’t helpful. I feel that a restraining order isn’t in my best interest at this point. My ex enjoys challenges too much. Not to mention he’s wealthy and shiny.
Keeping On,
Wealthy and shiny is a lot of potential power to use against you in a negative way. That is an added challenge for you.
If your intuition is telling you that he is stalking you, then there is a good chance he is doing so. A good book that helps get one thinking about what one’s intuition is telling us about dangers to us is The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He has a free high quality in depth questionnaire to help organize one’s thoughts and get a handle on the degree of danger posed by an ex or a present relationship. I found it very helpful. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/ The ‘domestic violence’ category includes emotional abuse as well as physical violence.
You are probably already doing many aspects of the grey rock technique which is the only tactic that works to encourage/manipulate spaths to leave a victim alone. http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
A survivor recently stopped posting here on LF because her stalking ex was reading her posts here, despite her using an alias.
Have you noticed anything in particular that makes you think about your ex stalking you electronically? Did your ex ever have access to your computer, modem, router, smart phone, car? Could he have planted a listening device in your home? If he ever had access to your computer, modem, router, smartphone, it would be good if you have the resources to get new ones and not transfer any data directly over to the new device. If he ever gave you programs, files such as photos or text files, don’t use them on your new devices. Don’t use any hardware he ever had access to, like CD, DVD, thumb drive, etc.
This article has some good points about dating. Even if one isn’t ready to date again, it helps form a new mindset that will be helpful if/when one is ready to date. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-gift-of-time-managing-the-pace-of-a-new-relationship
I understand the pain of the spath’s smear campaign. It is very painful to have others turned against you by his lies about you. It is a particularly damaging aspect of betrayal on many levels.
Abuse in a relationship that is supposed to be based on love, trust, loyalty and commitment is the worst betrayal there is – it is truly evil and unbelievably heartbreaking.
Annette,
He is so wealthy and shiny I feel like it’s my best bet to avoid legal pursuit and keep my distance in hopes he gets bored. I can’t compete with that. We weren’t married so that helps.
Thanks you for the resources. I’ve heard great things about the gift of fear. I’m not sure my ex is a physical threat but I’m going with my gut as much as I can.
Interesting about the devices. He’s touched almost everything I own. A lot of gifts. I’ve been feeling uncertain so I haven’t been accessing important accounts from home.
I’ve had some strange activity on accounts i use. Like sometimes my passwords don’t work and I need to reset them. Sometimes information is changed although slight. So slight that I wonder if I’m just messing up passwords or have somehow entered personal and security formation wrong. It’s hard to tell.
I’ve taken strong security measures with my phone. I feel it’s afe to use here if need be. Scary about the woman had to leave this site. Does she know how he figured her out? I felt like this site was safe because there are so many posts. Good to be aware.
I hope he’s not stalking me so I can move on.
If he gave you a lot of gifts it is entirely possible he may be using them in some way to stalk you. If the stalking gets too scary, you may need to consider dumping the material possessions and starting over. If you think your account information is compromised (banks etc) you can make a phone call to each company and ask to have your account inactivated and reissued. If you are being stalked and you are worried your mail has been intercepted, open a PO box and have your new account information sent to the PO box. Also let them know you may have been a victim of identity theft. That will lock down your information so it can’t be changed as easily. If he knows the answers to your security questions, make up false answers that you can easily remember, like instead of using family information (mother’s maiden name, etc)use names of characters from your favorite book, movie or tv show. Make it memorable enough that you don’t have to write it down in case he is getting in your house and going through your things. Also, buy a throw away phone and recharge cards with cash and only use it for financial type communications that you don’t want him to know about, never any social calls.
Even if you are not being stalked, taking precautions can give you peace of mind.
NMW,
Sounfs like you know your stuff! Hopefully not through experience?
I talked to my therapist and taking a step back I can see things are not right. I’m posting on here from a safe place. I’m not sure how bad the stalking is but something is definitely happening. I’m replacing everything. In time. These are expensive changes! I’ve already spent a lot.
Thank you for your advice. It’s interesting. I started claiming identity theft with a couple of companies last week. It goes over so much better than saying I may have a stalker.
I do think things are going on but you’re right, better to feel sound about it all regardless.
I appreciate you.
KO
My privacy is hard won. I have deliberately left areas where the sociopath can keep up the illusion of stalking, but all my real information has been squirreled away safely. I can’t go full NC because there are minor children involved. Just remember when dealing with setting up new financial information that there may be listening devices in your home, vehicle – even your office if he ever had physical access. For those accounts you can’t change in person (such as credit cards) make the phone call from a quiet place away from home where you can be sure you are not overheard. The middle of an open field in a park is a good spot. Of course, there are still listening devices that can pick up conversations from afar, but if you are unpredictable in your behavior he won’t have time to prepare.
I found all kinds of search histories for spy devices on our home computer, so I know what types of things the sociopath was looking for. I was fortunate in that the sociopath was arrested before being able to clear the computer history. The things that are available out there for those who know where to look are pretty scary/creepy. The only thing I still have that may possibly have a tracking/listening device hidden in a crevice is my vehicle. The sociopath hasn’t had physical access for so long now that whatever might be there shouldn’t have live batteries anymore. I am still watchful for strange vehicles following me though.
Also worth considering key logger spyware on the computer and remote access to the computer which will pick up everything, including posts here. Safest course of action is not to use any hardware, software nor files that spath had any access to. Get new hardware and new software and start over with everything. It’s my understanding that if spyware is installed the stalker can use a laptop camera to view the victim and surroundings in real time.
Annette –
Exactly why I left the computers behind when I moved out. The sociopath monitored everything.
KeepingOn, Donna (Lovefraud) has posted articles about computer stalking here you can do a search. IT is common for these sociopaths to but virus software into your computer just by sending an email and also they have put tracking devises on cars/phones. So your gut maybe warning you of these things and maybe some research is needed on this topic.
Im sorry that you are still enduring this hellish man but am thankful that you have chosen to join this site to get support.
Jan7,
Thank you. I’m grateful for your support.
I’ve been doing research and it’s amazing what people can monitor through. Even fax machines!
I feel most uncomfortable in my living room and car. I avoid those two places. I think that says a lot. Looking into things.
Jan7, Annette, NMW,
Thank you for the info. I’ve been doing a lot of research and figuring things out. I’ve discovered many things aren’t right. And many things I suspect. That’s why I haven’t responded. Needed to get away and clear my head.
I’m not going to write about what I’ve discovered just in case. But your articles and guidance have safe me.
I’m writing from a safe device. This is all so crazy. I believe he’s been watching my every move.
Despite that I feel I’m getting stronger.
It gives me so much comfort reading on here but makes me so sad.
I admire everyone on here. After all we wouldn’t post unless we were survivors.
Hi KeepingOn,
tons of HUGS to you 🙂
I am truly sorry that you have this evil person still wreaking havoc in your life. Please reach out to your local abuse center they can help you too. The more help you reach out for the better for your peace of mind but also for your safety.
Ask your closest trusted friend to keep a journal of what you tell her & tell her everything. This can be used in court against your abuser. Also keep a written statement in a safe deposit box or at a trusted family member’s home.
You are strong hon please know that…you will get through this painful part of your life and you will thrive!! So keep moving towards the light.
Check out the site psychopath free and Lisascott surviving a narcissist the path forward. Both are also great support sites for you to know you are no longer alone.
Take care 🙂
Thank you, Jan!
I’ve sought help through my therapist and the national domestic hotline. I have been documenting although it’s spotty. I’m tired of writing, changing things,etc. Relying on a friend is a good idea. Never thought of keeping documentation elsewhere. I hide it or keep it with me.
These disordered people. So much to handle. I’ve delt with too many and had no idea. At least I do now.
My nightmares are subsiding. So that’s something.
I have therapy tomorrow and am looking forward to it. I pray every day that my healing comes sooner than later. After all the steps I’ve taken in the last year I deserve it!
I second the idea of keeping information with a friend or other safe place. I kept a journal written in my own handwriting of the things the sociopath did to me as well as my fears of what the sociopath might be up to. It was kept in a location that the sociopath could not access but a trusted third party could access in case it was needed as evidence in my murder. Thank heaven it hasn’t come to that and I hope it never will.
NMW,
Thank you for your response. I keep a journal that I hide daily. I feel like that says something alone. I will make a friend aware of where I keep it.
Family, friends and my therapist are aware of who to look at in case something happens to me. His patterns indicate he is mainly trying to get at me via technology. I don’t question the fact that he may be capable of violence however it gives me a sense of safety that he has chosen to keep his distance for a while now.
Sad that so many of us fear for our safety. I hope this feeling passes sooner than later.
It helps me to recognize his end goal is to isolate and control me. I am trying to focus on myself more than what he’s up to. Easier said than done.
KO
I kept important sensitives papers in the spare tire compartment of my car. I was pretty sure my ex psychopath didn’t have keys to the car, and wouldn’t have guessed that location.
I told a couple of close friends to look close at the psychopath if anything ever happened to me. I also gave a close friend a copy of my living will, which among other things stipulated that if I were incapacitated by illness The spath should not be allowed anywhere near me.
Annette,
That was smart. Giving your friend your will that said he couldn’t come near you if you were ill. And your hiding place.
I’m so happy I never married him. He pressured me quickly. I stood strong. Not sure how I managed to avoid marraige. A blessing from God I think. Maybe my past with other disordered men that I held in my subconscious?
How long has it been for you?
I’m trying to put my fear in check. Started reading The Gift of Fear. It’s stirring up things for me.
I’m tying to cover my bases. I’m in deeper than I thought.
You warned me before so I’m using a safe device and will not share too much.
Thank you. Xxxxx
KO,
I’ve been out for a little over 3 years. At first I didn’t realize how severe my PTSD symptoms were, and how badly I, and my son, were damaged. It took awhile to get my bearings in life again. It is truly crazy making, like a walk through horror.
You sound like you’re working hard at recovery and at staying safe. Encouraging that you’re seeing improvements, like less nightmares and better sleep. It gets better, and life will be good for you one day.
Thank you, Annette. I hope life will be good some day.
I can’t begin to imagine being married to and having a child with a person like this. Mine was so shiny and wealthy he would’ve desteoyed me. You are a strong woman and your words have meant a great deal to me.
Tonight has triggered me on here. Not a bad thing. I’ve been through a decade plus of trauma therapy and then I end up here.
It turns out I was in a relationship with more than one disordered person. My current ex has been the hardest for me.
I’ve endured a lot of trauma in the past and have been selective of what I’ve shared with exes. I’ve survived so much. I was happy. It’s like they knew.
I’m I destined for disordered people?
KeepingOn…. destined for disordered people just struck me so hard!! I am like you this way. I had someone just tell me a matter of days ago that I am a basket case magnet. Nice way of saying I ask for it, I guess. But what I think is that people like us attract these people because we’re too caring and we show our willingness to be open to people and their needs. Does that make us ‘wrong’? No, I don’t think so. I think we are easily abused though because we’re too willing to try to help these disordered people and be there fore them when others run away. It seems like a virtue to be there for people… until the people we’re there for are evil and do us harm.
KO,
Although I was married to a psychopath, my son is from my first marriage to a very good man, from which I was widowed.
I wasn’t strong when I was with the spath, I was a mess. He could always push my buttons even when I understood what he was. I had to stop having any contact.
I don’t think in terms of destiny. I recognize that everything is subject to time and chance, but I feel like I have the power of choice which makes a bigger difference to me than external forces in my life.
Destined for disordered people? We don’t have to be with a disordered person; we have the power to say no and refuse to interact. Not being in a romantic relationship or marriage is an option in life.
I think there are more disordered and just plain evil people due to various factors in modern culture. Women are no longer taught to protect themselves emotionally and to discern that a man is bad if he makes her fee bad. The popular notion that it’s harmless to have sex in casual relationships without a real commitment works well for men but it is damaging to women. People are non judgmental to the point of failing to discern evil and immorality, to accept that anything goes, and to give bad people too many chances. Some old fashioned wisdom that I wish I’d known before I got entangled with my ex psychopath is that one lie could be a misunderstanding, the second could be a mistake, but the third is a pattern of behavior. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Adults generally don’t change.
Spaths prey on positive traits like trust, forgiveness, and generosity, that work very well in relationships with good men.
I was married to a good man, 10 years after I was widowed I met and married the spath. I was the same person in both marriages, and one was wonderful and one was a horror. I didn’t know that spaths existed. Now that I know, I hope I’m a whole lot less likely to get entangled again.
Annette,
Thank you for sharing.
I am very committed to change. I need to change. I’ve let too many disordered people into my life with out knowing. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the 3 lies thing as a pattern. I’ve experienced this in all of my relationships and some friendships. I am now aware of so many red flags. I’ve been developing new friendships and am using my knowledge when entering into them. For the first time in my life I am surrounded by positive people.
I’m recognizing that I would like to eventually date again. I’m no where close to that now and prefer myself alone. I’m just nervous I won’t catch the signs in time. I think it likely that I will continue to attract disordered people.
I’m happy for you that your son is from your first marraige. I’m sure the healing from your spath has been difficult for both you and your son. You are clearly resilient. I appreciate your positivity and insight.
Gaslit,
I believe it’s because many of us are empaths, which pretty much sums up all you said. It is our blessing and our curse. Right now I’m focused on the latter.
My whole life I’ve attracted the diaordered. I’m just now realizing this. So will change finally come?
We all deserve so much better.
I know that I am strong. I always prevail. Right now I feel week.
I’m putting my foot, heart and soul down. NO MORE!!!!
Gaslit,
I’ve heard many things.
“Wow what did you do to him?” Aka in reference to his stalking me.
“He must really love you.” Aka in reference to him stalking me.
Ugh. None of this is my fault and I don’t want him!!!
A dear friend, a survivor of a spath calls me “spath candy.” So gross and yet so true.
I spent a couple of years trying to get my ex psychopath to change. Of course they don’t. Change happened for me when I changed. It sounds like you’re committing to a change in your life, and you’ll make it happen.
Ameille22, Anette,
I stumbled upon that realization too, that abusers hate women, and or people in general. Pretty shi**y how the thing they hate they can’t do without…they are always preying on one or with more than one.
What a miserable existence.
Ladies,
Must watch alert!!!!
Stumbled on this Netflix,
The Hunt with John Walsh Episode 1, Murder in the Mountains.
I spaced out the first few minutes until the narrator started describing a spath…
Please watch .
She is describing to a t…
Stronginthecity