Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
AnnettePK,
Mine does not email(maybe a secret one for hooking up) so thank goodness no worries there.
I am not going anywhere near him.
He tried to make me feel guilty for not coming to see him for his bday.
Not happening.
SITC
Every time you don’t contact him, don’t respond to him, and eventually don’t think about him, you are protecting yourself and caring for yourself in the best way you can. Congratulations for staying far far away from your ex and anything and anyone to do with him!
AnnettePK,
I know that having no contact is the best.
I am seriously struggling with moving on and making myself a priority.
I think about it and want it but I just sit here.
It’s been an entire year(his birthday)since I found the “teen” porn on his phone. Duh, he made sure before he left to make sure I knew it was my fault, that I was going through his phone…I wasn’t…he was sitting right there and asked me to look up his stupid court date.
Other things have happened that are really bugging me right before he left for Florida this time.
I hope I am wrong, but I think I’m right.
I’m going to go sit in the sun and try to relax.
I’m so glad he is not here.
SITC
Typical abuser tactic to redirect the issue to you seeing what’s on his phone rather than the true issue that he uses child porn.
I moved away from focus on my ex psychopath in steps, a little at a time, gradually adding other activities and interests and people to my life, and gradually removing him from it. It was not easy, though. I had to deliberately resist focusing on him and thinking about him and reacting to him; and I had to make myself do other things. If one is still having contact with the spath, one keeps getting new hurts to recover from, new information to try to figure out, etc. With NC, the spath experience can fade because one isn’t constantly getting new spath stuff in one’s mind.
AnnettePK,
Thanks for the link to the MOSAIC questionnaire.
I did it this morning and I scored 181/200 and 7/10.
Not too good I guess.
I am doing better in the fact that I am less interested in what he is doing and now that he is away I dont have to worry about the stalking for now…although he has enlisted his friends in the past to do it for him.
Now that he is closer to his family he is using them for his pity plays and drama.
I have to force myself to even do small things and thank you for your encouragement that it will get better.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
AnnettePK,
I know. As soon as I sent that comment I knew that I was just having a moment.
Yes, his horrible behavior has been done over and over.
I know the ring did not mean any kind of love.
He did it because it was meant to make me feel bad as he knew it meant nothing to him.
They make you think they are not listening to you but they are always listening very carefully to use it against you.
It still blows my mind that these people exist.
I know I have posted here many times about getting to the bottom of why I continue to fall for these men…
I know why. My parents are both narcissists. There I said it.
Its very painful to think about.
I started to explore it when he left me in 2006. I had a wonderful therapist. I always knew my mother was crazy but I never thought about my father because he was always at work.
I had a big ah ha moment when she asked me why I was not angry with my father.
He sat back and watched my mother abuse us and did nothing. I never thought of it like that before.
The birthday thing…hell he put me through hell on mine and am still sitting here wondering what the hell happened 6 months later.
Its time to explore and deal with this once and for all.
I will not be quilted into having contact with my parents because they are my family.
They abused me. It’s not my fault.
Thank you for all of your support.
It is extremely helpful to me.
Stronginthecity
SITC,
Did you mean Narcissist support? A gal named Dana? I started watching her videos they are to a T. She has a video for each red flag. All about covert Narcissists.
Anyhoo, don’t feel bad about your parents being Ns, my mom is crazy and I hate to say it, kinda evil.
They say she is manic depressive, but she is much more… personality disordered for sure, prob Borderline.
My dad cheated on my mom before they had me, and left her, married another woman, then came back to my mom and they married again. My sister is 11 years older then me. So, my dad had his N tendencies you see, but, my mom left for good when I was 5 or 6 and my dad being the very responsible one, got the house, me, and raised me, and my moms dad lived with us! He stayed, my grandfather, he helped with me.
I had anything I needed or wanted, a nice house, tons of friends on our streets. My dad did have his girlfriends, one moved in and her son, then years later he married my step mom and her 2 sons moved in and they are still together for 25 yrs or whatever.
My mom has been with my step dad since she left, and she has been disordered all these years. Her poor husband is a total codependent. Never had kids only married my mom.
So my dad may have grown out of his selfish ways since my step mom but my mom is definitely the screwed up one, and they say I am lucky to have grown up with my dad. There was a 10 yr period that my sis did not speak to my mom.
Hmph.
Strong,
Cont.
And so, as psychology would have it, I probably was with my ex to try and get that love from a disordered person that I never got from my mom.
Crazy how that all works.
Hi all,
There are some great videos on you tube called narcissist survivor that are great!
Just wanted to share.
SITC
Stronginthecity, for your PTSD look into Adrenal Fatigue….see sites like Drlam. com, Adrenalfatigue. org, Mialundin. com (read her book)…see their symptoms list on each site. Dr Wilson of Adrenalfatiuge address PTSD & adrenal fatigue in his book….he states to heal PTSD you need to heal your adrenal glands. See Mia Lundin you tube video about high levels of cortisol and sleep issues.
Biggest issues with PTSD = hormonal imbalance, high cortisol levels & vitamin.mineral deficiency = adrenal fatigue!
Get test from a Endocrinologist or natural hormonal specialist doctor each of the things listed about.
THIS is the missing like to healing PTSD.
Jan7,
Regarding the adrenal fatigue..
Is there a blood specific test that I can request?
I have an appt next week and I need to get to the bottom of this PTSD and anxiety.
Thanks and hugs,
Stronginthecity
Hi Stronginthecity, I think dealing with the PTSD & anxiety is one of the top priorities when leaving a abuser. The stress it so hard on the body especially if you have been in a long term toxic relationship.
Yes, if you go to adrenalfatigue. org look for info on a “Cortisol test”, I would also recommend you get tested for vitamin/mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance as these two are issues related to stress. Symptoms of adrenal fatigue include anxiety, panic attacks, mood swings, can’t handle stress, sleep issues, memory issues etc etc etc there is a great list on all the sites I listed for you for you to look at.
In Dr Wilson’s book he discuss the relationship between PTSD & adrenal fatigue briefly. He states that to heal PTSD you must heal your adrenal glands. It is estimated that 80% of adults will suffer from adrenal fatigue sometime in their adulthood.
Hugs to you 🙂 You are moving in the right direction 🙂
also google “dr fuhrman PBS you tube” to watch his videos on healing the body with food…it’s methods work wonders.
plus “Dr Amen PBS you tube’ & “dr amen depression you tube”. His books are good but really focus on healing your adrenal glands it’s life changing.
Jan7,
I couldn’t remember who posted the PTSD and adrenal fatigue info, and I just found this.
Thank you as I have my appt coming up and want to get some blood work done.
Hanging on by a thread.
SITC
Hi Strong, glad you are taking this step. It’s the missing link to healing fully from a abusive toxic relationship.
Ask your doctor to test you for hormonal imbalance, vitamin/mineral deficiency and cortisol test plus what ever he/she thinks. All that I listed are issues with stress and adrenal fatigue.
Within hours of my doctor giving me specific hormones I felt so much better it was quite shocking. The more I read about the adrenal glands and their importance everything made sense with regards to why I was so stressed out and how my ex intentionally kept my stress level up to control me…he knew on a limited level that my adrenal glands would burn out because he did it to several other victims. I don’t think he knew about adrenal fatigue per sa but he knew that continued stress his victims were under he had more control over them and con everything he wanted from them/me.
Keep us posted. Don’t for get to google “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” and see his book also…a good clean diet will help you also recover quicker.
Wishing you all the best!! 🙂
Jan 7
I will look at the websites you recommended
Thanks for your advice.
Well appreciated .
Stronginthecity
All women,
I would like to apologize to all the women on this site for what men have done to you. It really is sad to read how terrible men can treat women.
I believe this is the most narcissistic time in human history. It seems to me that social media has caused people to care about themselves more than ever. People love posting selfies and showing everyone how great their life is.
I hope that everyone here, including myself, can heal from their pain and find a kind and loving relationship.
Jan,
Yes, for sure!
My hormones were all out of whack, she didn’t get to run my hormone panel but a lot of the symptoms I was having were hormonal crazies.
Jan7 and Remembertoforget,
Ugh, I was doing so well not talking to the disordered one..I talked to him on the phone today..
Nothing particularly interesting or annoying just the usual mumble taking mom to the store..mumble picking blueberries blah blah, mememememe…the usual.
When the conversation didnt go his way ..oh gotta go my mom is calling…whatever.
The time apart has been much easier than I thought.
I am trying to get some time off work(if I don’t get fired first) so that I can do some intensive therapy. I NEED it.
Thank you for the info on the adrenal insufficiency
Time to work on me!!
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Hello Stronginthecity… I’m new here, and so glad to have found a group of people who can understand what’s happening with me. I read your story and feel like it’s so close to my own story, with the reality that it’s so hard to let go and move forward. I think it’s necessary to completely cut him off – something I have yet to do – until we do that, I truly wonder if it’s possible to move forward and heal from all the damage that’s been done. Is that something you feel too? I’m curious if it’s just me realizing what I need to do but not being able to do it. Do you worry about hurting him by entirely ending it?
Gaslit073168,
To answer your question. NO.
I am not worried about hurting him because he does not have feelings like normal people.
I know that may seem harsh but if you read through the comments here you will understand that sociopaths do not have empathy.
They only care about themselves and that is it bottom line.
My posts are scattered here…but true to heart.
We feel safe to post what we are feeling without judgement.
No contact, I know its hard but it really is the ONLY way to move past this.
I have broken it many times and it always makes me feel worse because he gets off in some sick way knowing I am hurting.
Anyway, welcome to LF.
This is the best website as I have visited them all.
He does not care about your feelings, you are only a source of supply which I am still trying to figure out what that is.
I am now leaving it up to the professionals to help me as I am at my wits end with this abuser.
Hus and welcome.
Stronginthecity
Thank you so much, SITC! I had a feeling you would say it doesn’t worry you. I think that’s just me, and I’m working on it. I know it on a realistic level that he isn’t capable of feeling empathy, or having a sad moment because he’s missing the love we were supposed to have for each other. That’s the realistic me… then there’s the pathetic me who wants things to be the way they were when I didn’t realize he was manipulating me. I was happy then! He was fairly good at the game then, and even though I had the gut feelings, I pretended they weren’t there because I didn’t want us to end. We didn’t end for several months after I realized it was over, and to this day, it’s not entirely over. I’m working on a letter to him right now where I detail out the end of him and I and tell him all communication is being cut off… we won’t be pretending to be friends while we wait to get back together. It’s just over. I need to breathe again, and I need to be away from him to do that.
Thank you for welcoming me here. I feel this will be a place that’s going to help me tremendously. I will be posting my story very soon. It’s a highly disturbing story that is incredibly secretive at the moment… it will feel good to get it out of me!
I’m looking forward to getting to know everyone and learning from everyone’s experience how to move forward.
Thanks… my name is Penny xoxo
GasLit,
Your feelings of happiness during the love bombing stage, and your desire for the relationship to work and to endure are natural and right. Spaths lie, manipulate, bully, and exploit, which is harmful to you.
Not getting any closure from your ex is usual spath behavior. It’s normal for you to desire closure. Many survivors find ways to get closure without the spath, for example writing a letter and then burning it, visiting a place that was meaningful to the relationship and having a ceremony recognizing the ending. It is normal to grieve the loss of what the spath promised and what you expected the relationship to be.
In my experience NC is the only way to recover. Since the spath is harmful to you, every contact reinjures the victim and prevents healing. NC is difficult because spaths try to keep the victim engaged and focused on them.
Consider that your ex may twist around whatever you say to him in a letter, will not participate in closure, and will continue to harm you. Consider writing a letter telling him everything that you want him to know and understand, but not sending it. Since spaths play games about everything, it may be best for you not to have any contact. If you are committed to it, your ex may understand better than if you communicate your intent in a letter to him.
Gaslit,
Feel free when you are ready to share your story.
It helps to get it out.
SITC
Strong,
I can relate; it took me a long long long time to commit to NC. When I finally did, I made it a priority. It sounds like you are ready since when you interact with your ex, it proves to you that it’s not good for you.
NC is very difficult because there is no closure which is very frustrating and crazy making. Your ex may be doing subtle things to keep you hooked and to suck you in to more interactions with him.
Some helpful tools might be to write a list of the reasons why NC is good for you, and why interacting with your ex is harmful to you; deciding on a strategy in advance for times when you know you are likely to be tempted to allow contact with him – call a friend, go for a walk, post on LF, wait for 6 hours, etc.
It is the only way, the best way, and a powerful way to get free.
Kittylover,
My heart aches for you.
I promise you are doing so well.
I know that you are not feeling it now.
You are MUCH stronger than you think.
You are taking care of yourself by seeing your therapist.
One day at a time.
Get yourself better and everything else will fall into place.
You WILL know when you are ready to start dating again.
Your intuition will guide you and all you have to do is follow it.
You know it’s right. It always is.
The trust thing is something I am still struggling with myself.
You are an amazing person. He was just a bump in the road.
I know how hard it is to believe that such evil exists.
I really do believe that everything happens for a reason.
I’m not a super religious person but I do pray.
You are not Debbie Downer, just keep posting. Let it out.
HugsXOXO,
Stronginthecity
Kitty,
Be patient with yourself.
You are really in a much better place than I have ever been.
You are seeing your doctor, working and living.
I know that sick feeling in your tummy and the wanting to believe the lies.
It’s very hurtful and disappointing.
I am so proud of you for not seeing him.
Way to go!
They know that all we want is a stable loving relationship and use that to their advantage.
It’s NOT your fault.
Some of the women out there, the younger girls have zero respect for themselves and giving a BJ or sex on a whim is like kissing for women our age.
Truly disgusting.
We are ladies, not whores.
You are a beautiful person.
You took care of him when he was down.
Don’t stop being you.
You will know the red flags.
The butterflies in the tummy are natures way of warning you.
Never wrong.
I admit, I still long for the IDEA of what he said. He loves me, I am the only one..I will take care of you.
All a lie.
Hard to digest.
One day at a time.
Sometimes one hour at a time.
Double hugs
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Good news!
I have taken a leave of absence and am going to work with my doctor to get me back on track.
I desperately need and deserve it.
Money will be tight for a bit but the outcome will be a new and improved me.
It’s a long time coming and have support of my sister which is wonderful.
I love her and she has always been there for me, always!
Thank goodness for this site as it has literally saved my life.
I am grateful to have the support and knowledge of my LF sisters.
We will be ok, we will move on.
I know that together we will bring this subject known to behavioral health professionals.
Hugs to all!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I just typed a whole big comment and it disappeared!
SITC, KItty,
So glad that you were able to take a leave of absence at work as you wanted to.
Now you can relax a bit and work on feeling better strong.
That is weird you spoke to the ex. I would freak if I did.
Kitty, I was saying how I am sorry you are so down. Keep going to therapy. You will get there. It took me 3 months about, to really get my finger on what the ex was, and to start posting, and see a Dr. This just happened to you in April, and you came right here so you are ahead of the game.
I was soo foggy and in shock for 3 months before the help. 🙂
I was typing about wiping out my kindle to give it away and in the files were “the story of us”, he named it. It’s the 2 weeks of witty banter until we met and hooked up. I did not read it all, way tooo long. and I already know what’s on it.
It started to make me sick. Not sure who was more pathetic, him or me.
His spiritual script written was written so well, and I BELIEVED. So kind, sad, victim, hero, fun, spiritual.
The sad part though, was me. I was so vulnerable and down from just losing 2 friends and splitting up with bf.
I poured my heart out!
It’s gross.
Lesson here, don’t open up to people so fast.
Keep my mouth shut. Everyone isn’t good or nice, even when they say they are.
I couldn’t save it, so it got wiped out. it’s better that way.
There were a few pictures too.
He played such a roll, but things changed so fast.
I’ve read all there is to read about the disorder. My moods are balanced and focus has been back, I guess the next step is to really let go, and start the meditations on all that, and confidence building.
Thanks for listening, I had to type half of it twice!
Never as good the second time.
Remember,
Very good to hear you’re doing well. I reread some of the long email conversations my ex spath engaged me in, a couple of years out, and I felt the same way you describe – appalled at how he was able to draw me out to open up to him too much too soon; and seeing all the BS manipulation and lies and me falling for it.