Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Strong,
You can start by asking your primary to test your hormone levels in the blood test. You have to ask them to do that though.
Rememberto forget,
Thank you.
I am hoping all goes well with work paperwork etc
mmy doctor is behind me 100%.
Please wish me well.
I get it about opening up.
They thrive on that.
I have been having issues with the website getting error messages when posting comments.
I reported it to Donna.
Yes i feel bad about taking to him but it’s definitely dwindling as he is boring and now that he is away it’s so much better for me.
Please let me know if you are having errors with the website .
of course I am getting paranoid.
Ugh
Hugs
Stronginthecity
Hi Kittylover… I’m in the same boat as you. The depression is too much. I also trust no one now, and I’m trying to figure out how to get beyond that feeling because it’s too much pain. I keep trying to believe there’s something to move toward. I’m almost the same age as you – 46, almost 47 and it’s so hard to think about starting over, especially when I feel I can’t trust anyone. I’m sure many people here feel that way too. I felt very alone until I read about this website. Sad to see so many people have been hurt by these sick people, but good to not feel totally alone.
Hi Kittylover.
Sorry I haven’t been posting for a while. Busy, traveling lately. Wanted to say hello. Hey don’t worry about being a Debbie Downer. We all have those days. I had some friends and family that I’m sure that I exhausted during my darkest days. You are still pretty fresh off your situation. You have learned a lot of freaky stuff in a pretty short time. The rest of us can see a lot of growth in your comments. It’s kind of sad in a way that we have all had to loose our innocence when we finally have our eyes opened to all this vile stuff. Bottom line is we need to know about the Wolves that are out there. Now you know better than you did before. Don’t pile too much worry on yourself about the future right now. Baby steps for now if need be. I love Debbie Downer btw. One of the funniest sketches ever. Waaaaa Waaaaa ….. 😒
Hi Everyone,
The first 3-6 months after getting loose from these kind of relationships is sheer HELL. It is. Period. I have not heard or seen ANYONE here on LF, or in my personal life, who did not struggle like crazy to find a place of simple peace, even for just a moment.
Accepting the reality of being deceived is awful. When it is a love deception it is compounded by all the hormones that help us fall, and stay, in love. It is compounded, also, by stress hormones that ‘amp’ us up. It depletes us, energetically, and makes us want to go back to the source for some kind of ‘relief’.
We never find relief from being in touch with an abuser. Never.
Staying clear of any contact is of critical importance in our being able to find our physical, emotional, and psychological equilibrium. Any contact, for any of us, throws us off- and even if just a wee bit, it can be too much when we are in such a fragile state. Especially when we are just out of the abusive relationship, contact is DETRIMENTAL.
Remember, WE have to take care of our own hearts. We HAVE to. We have to want to take care of our own wounded and sad hearts. Being gentle with ourselves (taking to people who abuse us is NOT being gentle with ourselves). We have been abused into thinking we were not worth treating well. THIS IS NOT TRUE. We were deceived, manipulated, abused, and discarded.
I don’t mean to sound condescending. I just know”.I was there. Once I committed to being kind to ME, it became easier to live with my awful feelings of insomnia, weight loss, lethargy, confusion, despair, and hopelessness. Somehow committing to LOVE MYSELF made the suffering more bearable.
I was able, and it was really good for me, to go to therapy, take anti-depressants, take a leave from work, go on walks, sleep whenever I could, hang out with VERY trusted friends (and I was NO JOY to be around, believe me).
Slowly it got better. The bad feelings began to lift. I became slightly, and then more, interested in activities: sewing, yoga, going to dinner with friends, looking for new work”
By year 2 was about 70% living a life I felt comfortable with. I don’t know, exactly, what percentage I would give my life now. I feel 100%, but that seems sort of unbelievable. But I am living a better life than I EVER had before. Full of peace, friendship, good work, integrity, safety, and trust.
And I am 6 years out.
But I had to make NO CONTACT before my journey really began. For me, any contact slowed my progress, even when the contact was trivial and didn’t include any overt abuse (but any contact with an abuser involves some level of abuse, even in the form of their sheer disinterest in us).
Please, if you can, stop thinking about THIER feelings, or hurting them. You aren’t hurting them, they just like the drama, and to feed off of your caring and hurt. They like knowing they can MAKE you feel certain ways. They like knowing you can’t stop contacting them. They like to know they are in control.
Stop letting them think they are in control. Cut them off. Take BACK control.
Once I knew what I had been dealing with, off and on, my whole life I realized the lesson for me was taking full responsibility for my own life. This in no way felt like I was responsible to ‘letting’ myself be deceived. Rather, once I understood how my own strengths and weakness (which are far to many to list them out), I understood that I was giving my own autonomy to other people, and sometimes they were very BAD people. I had to want to take charge of my own life. I had to want to be more fully present to myself, my ability to love myself and care for myself”.even if I was ALONE.
This may not be what comes up for any of you who are struggling through these early phases of healing, but I thought I would share that for me NOT GIVING MYSELF AWAY was critical. It was like stopping a wound from hemorrhaging, but putting a tight bandage on it. At first it felt so restrictive. But, actually, placing some boundaries around what I was willing to do for LOVE, ended up being so FREEING.
OK, I’ve ranted on enough. Please, everyone, take care of your very precious lives”starting with your wounded hearts and emotions. Be kind”.
Slim
Slim,
Thank you so much for that heartfelt post.
I believe it to be true.
Sincerely,
RTF
Happy 4th of July you all!
xoxoxo
Slimone,
I only have energy to reply a short thank you.
I feel like you are an angel.
I am taking a LOA from work because I NEED to get to the bottom of this crazy making nonsense that I thought was a relationship.
It’s all so confusing and sad.
I feel deceived and victimized by a very disordered individual who used and abused my heart and soul.
Wounded heart pretty much sums it up.
Will post more later.
I am drained.
Thank you again for your incredibly helpful and no nonsense posts.
My dear sister has been very helpful and understanding going through my LOA with work.
I don’t know whats going to happen but it can’t get any worse.
Stronginthecity
I think you will start feeling better when you can get a rest from your ex’s endless abuse. It sounds like you are utterly exhausted from his game playing and lies.
AnnettePK,
I have my dr appt coming up and I barely have the strength to type this.
Was it you that posted the info on adrenal fatigue?
If so could you kindly post it for me again?
I need to get my paperwork straight so I can get pain while I’m off work and want to make sure I ask for the right blood work drawn.
Hugs,
SITC
Strong,
I think it’s Jan7 who often mentions the role adrenal fatigue plays in physical and emotional exhaustion from stress. If you search on this site for “adrenal fatigue” her post may come up.
I don’t think I’ve every posted on the subject, but I take a supplement called Adrenergize by Enzymatic Therapy. I perceive it helps me. I never had any lab test done, and It contains bovine adrenal cortex and whole adrenal extract, so it’s like a very concentrated food that the body will use if it needs it. A study showed that oral glandular extracts are delivered by the body to wherever they are needed.
It sounds like you are feeling really emotionally wiped out now, like all the stress and keeping going despite emotional trauma, is catching up with you and hitting you all at once. I hope you can get some real true rest and peace, and have a safe time and place to process your losses and harm done to you, and grieve in peace. It helped me so much to be able to just stay in bed some days when I felt so bad.
I understand that your energy is limited; you don’t have to post or respond to anything here if you’re not up to it.
Thank you Slim. Your words always resonate with me. In a world where most of us feel largely misunderstood It’s nice to get some valilidation once in a while. Beautiful advice. I know how easy it could be to move on and away from posting here once you have put years behind your dark days. This site has meant the world to me. I found it a couple years back right after I devoured ” the sociopath next door “. I feel like I really have to do something to help others who are going through the same nightmare that I was in. Makes me feel like I’m useful again. Anyway, always nice to hear from you. Be well Slim.
4 light (and all),
I keep coming here (like you) because I feel very strongly about helping other people get free from this level of abuse. It is a driving force for me at this point, and though I am sporadic in my ‘visits’ and posts, I want to continue to contribute.
Freeing myself from a psychopathic relationship, and then understanding the topic, has been THE greatest gift I have ever found. I was so entangled, so many times over the years; my life was a near constant train wreck, with some years of calm in between. Love Fraud saved my sanity, and helped me find a small light to follow.
I have taken some breaks from LF, mostly in the beginning, when I would get overwhelmed, or people’s stories were just too close to home and I needed to focus on my own pain and healing. Now, I am not so triggered by other people’s experience, and I feel strong enough to try and help support other people through the darkest parts.
I hope I can continue to provide a little bit of relief for those who come here with so much confusion and pain in their lives. I had many people do this for me”.and I might not be so well off right now if it weren’t for them!
Love to all, Slim
Hi Slim and to all the posters,
I need a little insight with regards to being scammed. I believe I was, but so infatuated I barely noticed.
Facts:
1. I’m American and he’s Jamaican. We met on social media but we never got personal. He’s a musician, and our friend in common sent me some of his music to enjoy. Still, we never got personal until…
2. He contacted me via social media to let me know he was coming aboard and if he could get in touch with me. I said, ‘sure’ thinking, he was coming aboard to perform.
3. Found out rather quickly he did have a P 3 entertainers visa to perform for income. He was here in part to attend an event where he would act as an ambassador for Jamaica.
4. He called and we spoke briefly. He put his manager on the phone, we spoke briefly and that was it. Until he called almost two weeks later.
5. He said, “I have to keep my daughter for the summer, she’s arriving within the week, and I spent my last $700.00 for her airfare. Then he asked if I could help him out with a few dollars. I said, ‘no problem’. We made arrangements to meet so I could give him the money. That was the day it all began. From this encounter our relationship grew very personal and very fast. Within two weeks, he was telling me, he loved me.
6. A week or so before the event, he asked if I could purchase airline tickets for him and his daughter to return to Miami to get back to Jamaica. I had that look, but he assured me I would paid as soon as the event was over. I had no reason not to trust him, so I purchased the tickets.
7. He left the day after the event, but I was not concerned because I knew how to contact his manager or I believed he would have his manager contact me. It did not happen.
8. When arrived back in Jamaican the requests for financial assistance continue. I was really becoming concerned about this. Then he tripped while running upstairs to his apartment. The result was 3 broken toes. After confirming his toes were actually broken, he said, “I’m going to have to rely on you for financial assistance.” I was stunned. Yet, my heart felt sorry for him. He had no job and no regular gigs to play. I was doing ok financially and figured I could help out for a short while. It turned into two years.
9. At the two year point, he was ready to resume his career. He was putting on a show and asked if he could borrow money as the sponsors would only agree to pay for certain things. I called to his memory I never was never reimbursed for the airline tickets. And he said, “Oh that event did not make any money” My mouth fell wide open. But, he promised I would get the money back this time. I thought it over a few days, then decided to loan him the money. Well…the event was a bust and no money was earned. I was able to verify this true. Still, I told him, you must repay me.
10. I waited and waited some more and after 7 months of not receiving a dime, I told him to stop calling. I was not his personal ATM or bank and that I was closed for business.
11. Right now I am fighting to get the money back. So far, I’ve received $50.00, however, in my last talks with his management they pretty much told me, you are not getting the money back. I was sent a an email to cease and desist from any further contact.
In summary, I believe this guy targeted me from the beginning. I began to retrace my steps. Flag #1 He came aboard and then brought his daughter aboard on a One-Way Ticket. How did he expect them to get back to Florida? All total I spent over $30,000. But, it’s the money I loaned I want back.
Thoughts? And thanks for reading my long story.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you got ripped off for $30,000. How much did you loan him? Why did it take 2 years before he could perform again when he broke his toes? What instrument(s) does he play? Is he still with you?
Consider that just about everything he told you may be a lie. Take anything with a grain of salt unless you can corroborate the fact from another source. The person you talked to may not really be his manager; the person he says is his daughter may not really be his daughter, etc.
If you can afford it, an attorney may be able to help you. Legal Aid can offer you some help if you qualify. You can report him to the police; their response will vary depending on where you are.
Hi AnnettePK,
Thank you for responding.
I cut off all contact with him last November. He owes me $1740.00 in loans for airline tickets and to put on a music concert. He’s a bass player, singer and producer. In fact, his name is well known in Jamaica. He plays jazz and American R & B. As you may or may not know Jamaica is a third world country. But, he can make money. Perhaps not a lot but some.
Although, I have documentation via voice messages, text messages and his word. I doubt the police would even bother since he lives in Jamaica.
I was just interested to know, if perhaps he targeted me from the beginning as he and his daughter arrived aboard with no return ticket. And no money. I did have the opportunity to meet his daughter a few times before she returned to Jamaica, and have spoken with her over the phone. I met his manager as well. He appeared so open and honest about his life. This is why I had difficulty understanding why he would not send money for the loans after he was back on his feet working. Even if it was just $5.00 here or there that would be something. But, nothing came until I got forceful. In, April of this year I received $50.00. When I contacted his manager demanding more and/or monthly payments I was told to cease and desist from contacting them.
It’s very hard to accept. I think about it every day all day and at night. It’s like I got robbed and can’t fight back. That sucks!
JamTee,
It is likely he targeted you from the beginning. Good people are committed to be cooperative and fair to others, and not under any circumstances exploit others by lying and stealing. Someone who does exploit others is always willing to do so whenever there is opportunity. If he doesn’t exploit someone, it is not because he is ethical, it is because he doesn’t think it will work. So in this way, yes, anyone who is willing to exploit others and to lie and steal, has that on his mind from the beginning. This is not the same as a mistake made in a moment of weakness by someone who is ethical. In that case, the wrongdoer will apologize and correct the wrong done.
I understand how awful you feel and how it’s impossible to get it out of your mind. Betrayal, especially in a relationship that is supposed to be based on love and trust, is the most horrible awful harm done to one’s heart and soul. You may have some symptoms of PTSD; you may want to look into doing some things that will help you recover from the betrayal.
There is nothing wrong with you that this happened to you. The spath lied to you in order to manipulate you into giving him money. If you knew the truth, you would not have helped him out so much. He probably used a lot of subtle tactics to control you. My ex psychopath used subtle hypnotic techniques on me.
I’m so sorry for you about this situation. It’s awful to realize you’ve been duped by someone you believed loved you. I assume you love(d) him too. It looks like he is without conscience and used you for his own purposes right from the start. This is so painful, and can drive you nuts trying to figure out why, and what you did to deserve it…. you did NOT deserve it! I hope you know that.
I know someone who was scammed financially like this a few years ago, and she was directed to contact the Secret Service (through local government offices) to report it and get help retracing the incident and recoup her losses. I would recommend this to you as one potential direction to take. I also have a question… the “cease and desist” statement – was this just something the manager said or was it a legal document from a lawyer? Sounds like the ‘manager’ used a legal term to try to scare you away, so I would find out if the “cease and desist” is a legitimate legal document or just an addition to the scam. You have a right to try to recoup your financial losses with this horrible guy!
I wish you well. You deserve more than just a hard lesson to learn about how cruel and nasty some people can be.
Jam Tee,
I know this will sound totally cut and dried but I would suggest you drop it. You lost ‘only’ 1740.00. It isn’t worth it (believe me) to go after him for what is, in the larger picture, not very much money. Aside from that I understand he completely lied to you, about LOVE no less, to get such a small amount of ‘compensation’. It is amazing how low these types will go for almost anything they can get ahold of. You really do have a right to feel outraged and betrayed.
But letting it go will serve you much better than trying to get justice. You will become more and more frustrated, while he has probably just moved on to his next ploy.
They really are not worth our time and attention. I hate to say it but I know it is both our hearts AND our egos that get battered by being treated like we are COMPLETELY inconsequential. But, to a personality disordered person, we are of no worth, other than what they can con out of us.
He will not be changed by your trying to collect money from him, and you will likely become more and more frustrated. His promise to repay you is nothing more than words, and his family and friends will protect him. This can only mean more heartache and frustration for you to pursue it.
Save yourself the aggravation….
BTW, I lost about 20,000.00 dollars, in airline tickets, loans, dinners, hotels, clothes, rent. It TOTALLY killed me not to go after him for this financial loss. I really wanted to nail him to the fence, but I decided for my sanity, and against trying to achieve some kind of fairness or justice. He had far too many supporters, and was FAR too slippery to pin down. In the end it was a small price to pay for my freedom, happiness, and security. But, man oh man, did I want him to pay for what he’d done. Believe me, I understand.
Take care of you…Slim
Howdy Gaslit,
The cease and desist statement is a scare tactic his manager used to scare me away. Only, he is not as legally intelligent as he seems to believe. Under the Law I have every legal right to pursue the debt. Telling me to cease and desist means nothing if a judge does not make the ruling.
This guys actions certainly reflect, he never intended to repay the loans. He was scamming me from day 1. Yes, I loved him and cared for him very deeply. It’s been hell placing those emotions aside and getting on life. Not only did he rob me of my money, he got my love and care.
I have two options. 1)Sue in Jamaica’s Civil Court or 2) drop it and move on with my life.
The expense of legal fees and travel to Jamaica, would prove costly for me. In addition, even if I won a judgment how would I collect? So, it seems he gets away with it.
I appreciate your response. It helps to have a safe place to talk things over and gain perspective.
Hi Slim,
Just learning how to use this new site. I may have posted the wrong response to another poster.
I’m taking your recommendations to heart. And I’ve already been shown the door by his friends. The most difficult thing is knowing you got scammed, the person gets away with it, and there’s nothing you can do but to accept it.
Thanks for replying.
Jam Tee,
You might make a list of pros and cons of the different courses of action you are considering, to help you decide what is best for you overall.
Jam Tee,
Also, I understand the frustration, anger and helplessness when there is no justice. Sadly, there is very little justice in this world.
Grieving losses and coming to terms with changes in one’s life can be very depressing. If you expected to marry and have children, it’s natural to go through a period of depression when you realize your life is taking a different course. Having a family is a good thing, and living a single life is good, too. Your future can be joyous whichever way your life unfolds.
It is natural to experience deep depression when you’re suffering symptoms of PTSD, and from the abuse you suffered. You will feel better, and you will get yourself back. Keep doing all the good things and the hard work you are doing for yourself.
You can do some things differently when you date that will help you discern the man’s character. Here’s a list of many helpful articles about dating after surviving a pathological relationship. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/?s=dating
I have a question. I tried to leave the sociopaths many times, but he did kept promising to change and I believed him not knowing what a sociopath was. He finally discarded me, which took me by surprise. He sent me a loving letter saying that he cared too much for me and that we would be soul mates. I could see him running for that CO2 bottle, because his pants went up on fire. I told him that I knew what he was all about and that I knew he would eventually do this and that although I cared for him at one time, I no longer do and never to contact me again. I did not plead, did not ask questions, nor fought. I did tell him that he was callous and that he had lost a good woman. I was really good to him, but I was seeing things in him that I did not like. I told him that I was too good for him, and that I was the best woman he would ever find. I told him that this too would pass and that I intend to be happy. It’s been 5 months, going on 6 and I have never contacted him. I posted a picture on my wall with someone who I love dearly. I got 115 FB comments of how beautiful our picture is. I blocked him from my FB. I noticed that he had 3 accounts, this is where the final straw came and he discarded me because I questioned this. However, I know that they open many, but I have done my best to stay away from this creep. My question is: Since I did not plead, nor question his discard and he sees that I am happy. Will he doubt himself? I know they expect you to fall to pieces, and believe me it hurt, because I never expected this, but I did not let him have it his way. Also, do they come back? He tried hoovering twice, but I ignored that too. I got out of our group on FB also. I would never give that creep the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me. It took months and now I don’t desire him. In fact, I can’t stand to even look at him. I knew that he was trash from the beginning, but could not put my finger on it, because I was to busy falling for the pity ploy, while he was devaluing me. I have everything going for me. He needed me, not me him.
Equanimity113 – he will never doubt himself. He will never change. He will just move on. Sometimes they try to come back and pretend that they’ve changed, but it is an act, and sooner or later he will revert to the old behaviors.
The key is for YOU to decide that it’s over, and stick with your decision. Congratulations on doing that.
Thank you Donna,
I read and reread many many hours, I attended therapy sessions EMDR and it help me considerably. I know that they will never ever change, since their soul is just a black hole without a spirit. A spirit is the most beautiful element that a human contains. This with conscious and empathy makes us human. He is not human and never will be. In reality, I hurt like hell just like we all have. I never saw it coming. In fact, I looked at him and thought he was ugly looking, no personality, no money, broke and sleazy. Oh, but good ol me wanted to save such a pitiful soul. Little did I know that I was actually seeing was a mentally ill person. I don’t actually see him as a person. I see him for what he is now, one of the mentally ill in society. I has helped me not want to do anything with him. If I see him like a smooth talking stud then I give him too much credit. He is mentally disabled. Nothing more nothing less. His brain is broken. These people are dangerous, but I don’t fear him. I fear that the village idiot will try to come back, since I did not give him the time of day. Barbara, I was so glad that he discarded me. I almost lost someone who I adore and adores me. This was a blessing in disguise. I am happy, wholesome and with a clear view. In essence he gave me a gift. He showed me what true evil can look like. This was a very bad experience in my life, like for all of us. I will never, ever be the same. Oh, but much wiser. Now I am aware. I am very compassionate. I help those poor souls lost in the street, I rescue animals. I will continue to heighten my compassion, because he will never steal this from me. I have boundaries, and I’m even writing my doctoral dissertation on psychopaths in leadership roles. You and psychopath free have helped me so much. I thank God for you and them. I have been able to write many essays on FB and this has helped many of my friends. I know this was a test for me, but I stayed strong. In the beginning I could not see the light. I saw the train coming and did not think I could make it out of the dark tunnel, but I faked it till I made it. This helped me. I pray that we all find that light. I pray that these beautiful souls come out of this a better person. Again, thank you beautiful lady for all the gifts you have bestowed upon us!
It sounds like you did a good job getting away and maintaining no contact with your ex when you recognized his disorder.
In my experience spaths are not insightful enough to doubt themselves. If they did think that way, it would lead to them changing. They are very set and rigid with respect to their motives, although they are flexible in using different tactics in manipulating and exploiting people.
Your ex probably wrote you the soulmates forever stuff and I love you too much to be in a relationship with you BS which makes absolutely no sense, in order to keep the door open and keep you hooked in case he ever wanted to exploit you again in the future. Spaths are predators who don’t think like normal people and are not motivated by the same things normal people are. When your ex saw by your actions that you know what he is and that you are not likely to be manipulated by him, he will probably just move on to another target/victim/prey that he thinks he can successfully manipulate. They don’t bond with people and they don’t feel any sense of loss when relationships end. Spaths really don’t do relationships, they just fake them to get something else they want – sex, status, power, control, someone else’s home, money, and the glee they get from duping others and causing others pain. They are sadists.
Hi Annette,
Thank you for you response. I have to agree with you, I may have used the wrong word insightful. Maybe questioning self-worth is more along the correct lines. I know they think highly of themselves. I read where when they discard you and you don’t fight they keep you up on a shelve for future play, (they are entangled in a 3 year old mental stage) and then say, “Hey, wait why did she not fight for me?” They try to get you back when they recycle their past targets. And because you did not fight for him, he will make you pay twice fold for making him work to get you back. Just something I read. I don’t want that ugly troll in my life ever again. As I stated in my post to Barbara, he needed me. I don’t want to sound arrogant, because God knows that this is not my intention. However, he’s broke, no class, no education, lives in a cheap sleazy neighborhood. Has judgments against him, bill collectors up his butt. He’s about to lose his house, tape on his truck. Absolutely no friends. Been fired from every job perhaps for stealing. No personality either. What I saw in him was compassion and pity, because he reminded me of a hobo. I never, ever loved him. I felt so sorry for him and was trying to help him make his life better. Little by little I was caught in his web of deceit. He has nothing over me. He said that I was naive, psychopath tell. I was naive, but he failed to understand like I told him, once that I am one of the strongest women he will ever meet. When I want something I am determine to get it. I wanted to be free from this evil person and I am now. There is still the residue of wanting to know more about these mentally ill people, so I will forever continue to educate myself. I have too many friends on FB 403 and I would not want to give him the satisfaction of controlling that too. I know if he ever tries to come back he will get nothing. I give him nothing because he is nothing. So maybe you can answer that questions for me if you can. Thank you so kindly, and a big hug to you.
And a bit hug back to you, too! Spaths tend to come back to previous victims, because they are never really in a relationship and they are never really done with a relationship. They just go through their lives looking for people to exploit. If your ex spath thinks he can get something from you he wants, he’ll come back. Good for you for determining not to interact with him again ever. You’ll have a better life without him in it.
equanimity113 ,
They do NOT ever change, if anything the behavior gets worse until you actually do feel crazy.
My advice is to stay off FB and all social media.
Take a break from that crap.
YES, they do come back.
Mine discarded me in 2006, then decided to ruin my life again 7 years later…..THATS because I let him.
No more.
SITC
Hi Strong in the City,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I have blocked him from FB. He had 3 accounts, even creating one when that I found out about later and blocked that one too. I want nothing to do with the Village Idiot. His IQ is probably -2. However, they play dirty and I don’t know how to play dirty so I have to play smart and keep two steps ahead of him. If he senses that in anyway that he can get in he will. I have too many friends on FB 403 and I would not want to give him the satisfaction of controlling that too. I need him to see that he could not break me, because this is their intention. He has 29 friends and these are mostly people we were stationed with while in the Navy, so basically he does not have any, lol He’s a deadbeat and I could never myself, a happy person with someone so dark. Therefore, I will never welcome him back into my life. I can’t imagine my life with someone like him, broke, ugly, scum of the earth, thief, loser, mentally ill, unstable, can keep a job. I could go on and on. I have someone in my life for 30 years who I have loved and he adores me. He is extremely good looking, sexy, good and lifts me like a queen. I almost lost him, because of this sick trash. I have a happy life now without the chaos. I have blocked him on FB and he knows that I am with my other half so he won’t dare call my phone. This is a good thing. However, because I never went after him, like he thought I would. Instead, when he wrote that letter, it was to keep doors open, and I shut them in his face sought of speak will he still try to come back even though he knows that I’m with someone else and want nothing with him? He knows that I know he’s a dead beat. Oh, and I got really good revenge on him. He never paid IRS taxes, so I turned him in and did other little things that will make his life worst than it is. Then I wiped my hands and never looked back. It’s been almost six months and I do not desire for him to come back. In fact, I don’t want him to come back, because then I feel that I would have to fight him off, even if it is giving him the silent treatment. How did your Village Idiot get a hold of you? Thank you so much for responding. Everything has helped me, because I learn more each day.
Equanimity113,
My expath loser sociopath manipulator, soul sucking nightmare initially contacted me through a mutual loser friend who I have broken ties with.
To date I correspond with him minimally to see what kind of mood he is in so I know if I will be able to sleep at night or not.
Thank goodness he has moved out of state and I have taken a LOA from work so I can get myself better.
This guy sounds a lot like your loser, I felt sorry for him and thought I could help him. BIG MISTAKE..it you have some time you can do a search on here of my user name and see all of the craziness in the last 2 years.
Hopefully OI will have a job to go back to when I am better.
He has moved in with the 2 children that he abandoned while they were growing up and mooching off the system that I stupidly helped him get.
Truth, he is a lazy mentally ill con man that has burned all of his bridges and now chooses to take it out on me.
He cares about nobody and Im sure his kids are less than thrilled that he is there doing what he does best…nothing.
I just pray every day that he stays there and does not come back to my city which he has been known to do.
Ok, thats all I have the energy to talk about right now.
I will reply if you want to know any more of the gory details.
His entire family is crazy too.
Nightmare…I have to take care of me right now.
Stronginthecity
AnnettePK,
Thank you for the info on the supplement that you are taking.
How long before you started feeling better?
I got a lovely all caps text yesterday from the disordered person telling me how horrible I am because I did not do anything nice for his birthday and how his kids didn’t do anything for him for fathers day, and that was my fault too.
He also YELLED at me in a text that he was upset that I did not answer my phone, and now he is not calling or answering for anyone, except his mother!
I am dealing with my issues, my ex husbands terminal cancer and my poor daughter who is stuck in the middle of everything.
I have zero family support and am in fear of losing my job, even though my leave is FMLA protected its not yet approved and I wont be able to get any relief from this anxiety until it is.
Thank you for your kind words and your support.
My friends here are the only one who truly understand how I feel.
Back to blocking numbers again.
I have no idea why I have any contact with him at all. I am still fearful, I think that if I know what kind of mood he is in I can relax but obviously that is not working either.
I am trying so hard to be supportive of my daughter but she is upset with me too.
Is there anyone that’s not mad at me?
I don’t even have the energy to get dressed and go to the store.
SITC
I felt more emotional and more physical energy just a couple of days after I started taking it, I take 3 caps/day with meals. But I don’t have the continued stress on me like you do. Do you have a good counselor to help you figure out what to do to make changes in your life to make things better?
Did you respond to your ex spath or just read his texts?
You’ve mentioned a couple of times that you don’t fully understand why you continue to allow your ex spath to have contact with you. It may be that your fears are your subconscious telling you that he is potentially dangerous to you. Or it may be that he deliberately instilled fear in you with his moods in order to manipulate dominate and control you, and you are feeling fear out of habit. In my experience, the ex psychopath conditioned me to think that I needed him for various things, but the reality was that things worked better without him because he made things worse.
Have you worked through Gavin deBecker’s Mosaic risk assessment? If you’re feeling fear, it may help you organize your thoughts about it.
Is there anyone you can trust to screen your email? What are the pros and cons in blocking his emails and texts so you never see them?
With respect to your ex with cancer, for whatever reason he is an ex, so you don’t have an obligation to him. Consider how much energy you have to spare after meeting your own needs, and what the pros and cons are in you continuing to support him. You might also consider whether contact with this ex is good for you; and whether he’s continuing to manipulate you into feeling like you have to support him.
Is your daughter an adult or still a minor? If she is young you may not have to worry about her being upset with you. Teens and young adults are often upset with a parent when parents are doing the right thing. Good parents don’t often win popularity contests with their children until the kids are older and wiser. If you’re fulfilling your obligations as a parent and loving your daughter unconditionally, it doesn’t matter if she’s mad at you for something that may not be her business.
Try not to stress over who’s mad at you in general. Maybe make a list of the priorities in your life right now. If you’re happy with the choices and decisions you’re making, that’s what matters, not if others like your decisions. You don’t have to please anyone besides yourself, and God, if He figures in your spiritual life. If it bothers you when others are mad at you, unscrupulous others, and most children, will use that to manipulate you into doing what they want you to do. They will ‘be mad’ at you all the time until you do what they want.
AnnettePK,
Im sure that therapy will be part of my treatment plan. I need it.
I will order the supplement. I did the adrenal questioner on the website and my numbers said extreme adrenal fatigue.
I responded to his text that it sounded like he was having a bad day and hoped he felt better..oh brother how pathetic that sounds now.
I dare not tell him whats going on with me as he will use that against me for something.
I do fear him as he is highly vindictive and mentally unstable.
He moved away, we are not together and I don’t need anything from him.
He seems to think that we are still in some sort of relationship and thank goodness he does not email.
He always asks if I need the grass cut or other things around the house(he never did anything)except make me feel guilty because XYZ was not done because I was working 60 hours a week. He did not work.
I did the Mosaic assessment and those numbers said this was an extremely dangerous situation.
He uses the pity plays with everyone. I guess he ran out of targets here and according to him nobody is answering their phone on his demand(maybe they are working).
Thank you for the advice on the ex husband. He was extremely abusive to me and I do feel bad that he is so ill. Having cancer does not automatically make you a nice person. I try to help out in any way I can because its the right thing to do.
You are right. I do not have any obligation to him, my daughter is in her late 20’s and married. She lives near him and is capable of taking care of him and she is the one that chooses to not clue me in on whats going on with treatment etc.
I told her that I am always here if she needs me, and she said she understands but gets upset when I ask how he is doing.
I am happy with the choices, other than the obvious being my choices in men.
I do try to live my life by how God judges me. You are so right that if I am happy with my work, living choices its nobody’s business.
Wow, thank you I feel so much better!
He ruined my self esteem and made me feel like working 60 hours a week and paying a mortgage and all the bills myself for years was not good enough.
I do not need him for anything. I need to stop all contact, again because he is blaming ME for his poor relationship with his kids. He was never there.He cheated on his wife and lied to her just like he did to me.
Thank you my dear AnnettePK.
I really do feel so much better.
I need a therapist and to get back to work because as much as I complain about working it’s really good for me.
Hugs to you and thank you so much!
XOXO
Stronginthecity
So glad you’re feeling better!! I hope this will be a turning point for you. Be prepared for ups and downs along the way to complete recovery.
Hi you,
I just read the posts. I myself have been down and out because of my own treatment and couldn’t help but be incredibly hurt to hear about how he’s treated you. I mean angry hurt. Please know you don’t deserve any of this. The replies here pretty much sum it all up. These ladies really know what they are talking about! I also want to reinforce that even if he is going through Cancer it is not your job to be there. You are not family and you owe him nothing. He had his chance to love you and respect you and he didn’t even come close to doing that. He did the farthest and most cruelest opposing thing. You are not obliged to help out in any way and his poor guilt trips are discusting! I mean really– d-i-s-c-u-s-t-i-n-g-!! I too have been battling the disease and while everyone’s is unique and no hard ship is equal, even when I had a relationship with my spath and I needed help I never ever would treat him or any other human being like that. Everyone deserves respect and he is being a self absorbed, abusive, controlling, manipulative, temper tantrum boob! Please let him shake his rattle. Let him act like a baby. Just block him. Please don’t allow this mental case make you feel bad. In the states are better equipped for people who need help ( far better than where I reside in I can tell you that and if I did it down and out and being abused and mentally kicked down and played with by a spath) he can figure it out and have people helping him that’s paid to do so and by NO sense of responsibility should you feel it is your place to help or be there! I’m sorry to hear that there is a child involved but hopefully they can see for themselves who he really is. Just because you are sick doesn’t mean you can mistreat people. You’d think he would reflect and look at things in a different light. If anything this should confirm just how mentally disconnected he really is! You are a good person and do not deserve this situation nor this treatment. Change that number hun! It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself… One step at a time.
Hugs.
Strong,
I realize I am kinda far along in the post-spath experience, and that it colors my responses to some of the postings. Please take this as it is intended…I totally cracked up when I read that he texted you about his birthday and his kids. What an effing baby! They are such absolute emotional morons. Like it even makes sense to text you these things. It is ridiculous, to the point of absurdity. Please, please, please don’t take it to heart. And, please don’t feel like I am in any way making fun of you. I get it. But from a distance, when they aren’t ‘our’ spath, they look like such boobs!
He texted you a 2 year old’s temper tantrum. How classic. Then he tried to punish you by telling you he wouldn’t respond to your texts. Like you even want him to respond. REALLY!
The spath I knew did the same kind of crap. For a time it really got to me. That is why I cut him off. I couldn’t handle the stoopid any longer. I also felt afraid he would show up, or do some other crazy thing. But, eventually, the fear subsided and I wasn’t a scared white rabbit any longer. Part of the fear is created by staying in contact with an crazy person. He may be sane ‘appearing’, but he is morally insane; and wants to control you, now through fear and intimidation. MOST of these sorts do not kill their past partners. Most of them just make us miserable, irritable, jumpy, and disconnected from our own hearts.
You might consider that keeping tabs on him is the source of your ongoing fear.
Much love to you Strong….Slim
Slim,
Something actually clicked in my brain when I read that post from AnnettePK.
I really do feel so much better!
I laughed when I read your post and I agree what a big baby.
Any feeling I had be it scared, sad, depressed literally left my body.
You girls are amazing and I dont give a flying f%$# what he says, does or does not do.
Temper tantrum pretty much sums it up. I think I will sleep like a baby tonight for the first time in a week.
He is a loser. I am actually going to change my phone number. Something I never considered before.
I am DONE! I can’t believe I was actually jealous of him being with someone else. Please go!
I don’t give a shit what he does and I dont care about his kids, brother, mother or anyone that has anything to do with him.
You are totally right in saying that keeping tabs was the source of my fear.
If he shows up I dont even care about that.
I would laugh in his face.
Thank you AnnettePK for helping me realize that I am the one that makes the decisions around here.
My ex husband, well that’s what it is.
I am so sick of sitting around here boo hooing over some loser who has nothing to offer me.
I will go to my doctor, take care of my business and move on.
If I have a job when I am done, then good. If not I will find another one.
I am done letting people push me around especially a lazy ass loser who is so miserable with his life that he wants to spread it around.Yuck.
You ladies here are the best therapy anyone can have.
I will still tend to MY needs but I feel like a weight has been lifted and I am getting back to me.
I do not in any way feel like you are making fun of me.
You are totally right.
The thing that really pisses me off is our government giving disability payments to people who did not work. Thats a really messed up system. I have a frickin headache every day but still go to work!
Thanks again and I will NEVER settle for a low life loser.
All men have dicks!
Hugs XOXO.
Not scared anymore!
SITC
Yes, Strong! Change your number!!!!
I’ve learned like so many on here going NC is the only way.
I’m on my 5th phone number now. I’ve taken serious measures to make sure I’m not hacked on my new number. Fingers crossed it lasts!! I’m tired of changes.
I’m so glad you’ve found strength through this site. I have too although I rarely post. NC is the way to go. No matter how many times I failed at the beginning it’s for my better good. I am stronger regardless how many times I’ve had to change my number.
Best to you. You’ve got this. Keep on keeping on!
Keepingon,
Thank you for your support and kind words.
I am so sorry to hear that you have had to change your # so many times.
Thank goodness mine is not tech savvy.
I have failed no contact many times but something changed yesterday.
I feel different.
I still have issues but I no longer feel the addiction for him as I had in the past.
I just don’t care anymore.
Its gone.
I am praying and trying my best to let go of the on guard, mean and non trusting person I became when I was under the spell.
Thank you
Strong,
That’s how NC was for me. It just clicked with me one day. I was done. No more need to hurt myself through his words. It took me many months to stick to NC until the day it finally clicked. I’ve stuck to my decision and will continue to do so.
Take care of you. It sounds like you’re taking the right steps. Do your best to let go of being on guard. That’s been hard for me. I trust only consistent people in my life right now. I’m especially afraid of men.
I’ve read some of your past posts and you mentioned that you’re afraid of what he’s going to do if you go NC. What I’ve learned is that he’s going to do what he’s going to do regardless of your actions. Your actions will never have an impact on what he decides to do. So the best thing to do is to do you!
Be aware of his patterns though. It will help you determine what may come. If you’ve documented his actions your notes will help. Better to be prepared of potential possibilities!
So glad to hear you’re still feeling better!
I generally try too hard to please others, and have a hard time dealing with people being ‘mad’ at me, so I relate. I took a short seminar in assertiveness which helped me.
You might go through the Mosaic threat assessment again when you’ve been feeling less stressed for awhile. You’ll be more effective at assessing his dangerousness and doing things to keep yourself safe.