Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
P.S. Strong…. One of the things my exspath got angry over was that every weekend, after I’d worked 50 hours, all I wanted to do was relax and get ready for the next work week. He had no money and didn’t work. He thought that was pretty selfish and inconsiderate of me.
I remember looking at him and wondering what the heck was actually wrong with his brain.
Now I know.
Slimone,
Yes, me too.
Actually anytime I had something important to do such as tax time, getting my continuing education credits done and anything that involved responsibility was sabotaged.
The craziness.
I feel like such an ass for putting up with that nonsense for so long but the thought of him puts that look on my face that everyone else had when I mentioned his name.
Ugh
SITC
SITC,
Do it, do it, rah rah rah!!
Change that number!!
🙂
Peace!!
Remember, AnnettePK, Slom, Jan7 and all the other awesome ladies here,
First off remember that post with this cheer about changing my number…HILARIOUS!
I slept like a baby last night, I woke up once but went right back to sleep.
Amazing!
I am off to my doctor appt.
Wish me well(a few more weeks off) to get myself better physically and emotionally but I truly feel so much better.
AnnettePK, thank you so much for taking the time to write that post yesterday.
It helped so much, you have no idea.
I have given up trying to save the world and take care of me.
XOXO HUGS!!!!
Stronginthecity
You are so welcome, I am so glad that there was something that helped!
Remembertoforget,
Love the change your # cheer!
SITC
Keepingon,
Thank you.
Its been nice and quiet since I have blocked and gone NC.
I feel good.
Judging from his past behavior and the fact that he is many miles away that he has moved on to new prey.
Im guessing it will be about 2 weeks and he will try to call, or have one of his douchlords do it but phone # will be changed by then.
I honestly could care less.
Its gone.
Thank God.
I have to take care of me!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
SITC,
Lol
I believe it’s true with these types the only way to start the full healing is to go No Contact.
Not only is it stressful but it can just go round n round until we are only shreds of a person…then what?
Sad it is, but it’s a test of our love of ourselves. We must love ourself more.
Blessings to you, you can do it!
Hi all(Kittylover)
Has anyone heard from kittylover?
I think its been about a week since she has posted.
I’m worried about her.
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
I felt the stress leave my body once I decided that I did not need to check on what his mood is.
Who cares.
I love me more.
Thank you and hugs to you.
SITC
Remembertoforget,
Well guys, I guess I technically broke NC, in a harmless way?
I did get triggered because tomorrow is supposed to be the losers birthday, and mine in a week 1/2… I could care less about his birthday, but the trigger was that once when I was trying to look up court records on him, I saw only one thing from 1990 and it had his bday as Febuary…
I found myself upset that that coulda been a lie too, saying his was the same month as mine.
Then I think, well wouldn’t I have seen the tag on his car, and he sent me a record of him in the end and I read it, a picture of it, and wouldn’t I have seen if the bday was a diff month?
Sad that some people are so dispicable that you really can’t make sense or trust ANYTHING they ever told you.
And by breaking NC I mean, thinking and obsessing about it for a certain amount of time today and feeling a rush come over me.
Remember,
Thank you for clarifying. I was wondering how it was you broke NC. In my personal opinion you haven’t! You obsessing and feeling that rush is just a part of the bond and your healing.
Trigger times are hard. I go through this too. Be kind to yourself. Feel what you need to feel. Think what you need to think. Lately when my thoughts go to him and I feel that NC rush I try and picture something else in my head. For example, I printed up pictures of things that make me happy. Like a beach, my dogs, etc. I hung them up so when I think of him too much I look at a happy picture. I think it’s a way for me to reprogram my brain.
Who knows if he lied about his birthday. Maybe, maybe not. My ex pulled that crap so many times. It’s like they get off on us believing something as stupid as their birthday being on a different date. I’m so over disordered people.
Hang in there. You’ll get past this trigger time and you’ll do it free from him! Thank God you’re not spending your birthday with him!! If he’s like my ex he would’ve gone out of his way to ruin your special day.
Happy almost birthday! 🙂
I just assume everything he told me is a lie. It causes less confusion for me.
Ameille22,
Yes, good idea!
Remembertoforget, Amille22 and Nomorewool,
Yes! Everything is a lie.
I agree so much less confusion.
Staying no contact now is not that hard.
I feel zero, nothing.
I used to get upset when I didn’t hear from him, not anymore.
It just kind of went away.
Now I have to deal with me.
I am ok. Not sad, not mad.
Just want to get back to me. My priorities, on my terms.
RTF, I’m sorry the birthday thing triggered this but it will pass.
You enjoy YOUR birthday, who care when his even is.
Hugs to all,
Stronginthecity
I look at it similarly: I keep in mind that if my ex psychopath ever said something that happened to be true, it was a random coincidence. He didn’t say things to communicate accurate information, he said things to deceive, manipulate and exploit.
Keepingon,
I love the idea of the pictures of things that make you happy.
I will do that too!
The triggers come and go pretty quickly now thank goodness.
Mine always went out of his way to ruin anything special in my life…
Assholes.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Assholes. Humph. That’s putting it lightly!
Glad you like the pictures idea. I even have a picture printed of ice cream cones. I don’t even eat ice cream much but the image makes me happy. I post them various places. One is on the edge of my TV because I feel my mind wanders a lot while I watch.
Good job holding up on the NC! When I got to that place I was so relieved and had so much hope. Now that my conquer NC high has faded I find myself still going through the motions…numb, sad, angry…I’m getting stronger though.
So glad I decided to post on this site!
Keepingon,
Yes its been a little more difficult since I am home waiting on appointments…but ok until something popped into my head.
What did he want from me..well he never got a dime so not money..never moved in with me so there is that..sex…yes he got that ..next..
To my surprise when I had a bunch of work stuff going on last week I received a piece of mail that I think I overlooked.
I remember him saying something when we were having the “trust” conversation that I would freak out if I knew that he could recite my SS number.
He was very good with memorizing numbers.
Well the piece of mail I received was addressed to my middle and last name …not my first, middle and last but my middle and last name only. Now my last name has a very common misspelling and it was spelled correctly.
That was something we talked about a lot because the spelling of our first names are also a common mistake.
It was one of those your private info has been compromised letters and it was from a state medicaid ….now I am freaking out.
That would be something he would be interested in..my private info…
He knows enough shady characters to sell this info to.
Great now I have to deal with this…
I’m hoping its just my mind going there but that letter has been in the back of my mind and now its worrying me.
I will follow up on that asap.
Thats all I need right now…
UGH.
Just when I think I am in the clear.
Going to my car to get the letter right now.
Wish me luck.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
What did the letter say? Maybe it’s a mistake?
Since I started posting here I discovered many of my accounts have been compromised. Slight changes that may make one think they were mistakes. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore.
I hope he’s not using your SSN although it wouldn’t surprise me. I would call medicaid just to make sure. I’ve had to call so many companies. It’s a pain.
Please keep me posted. Xxxx
When I had the peace of NC for awhile, and then had to deal with some of his antics, or I found out about yet another betrayal or lie he told as part of the smear campaign, it really set me back for several days each time. I could see clearly then how harmful anything about him was. That lasted a little over a year, and then my PTSD responses gradually got less and less. Now, a few years out, I don’t get triggered at all. I think I probably would get triggered if I had to see him in person or if he showed up in person.
It’s a balance between not obsessing too much in our thoughts about the ex spaths, and taking some time to remember and process grief. I found that if I didn’t think of him at all, I would dream about him – my subconscious needed to work through it.
Remember-
you came here and stopped obsessing. Now go reward yourself. Eat some ice cream and try not to think of… tap dancing unicorns.
NMW, KO,
Thank you very much!
No tap dancing unicorns…..weeee.
KO,
I guess it is good for us to find techniques to retrain our brain. Good idea. I’m gonna think of something like that.
NMW,
Yaay that I came here and stopped.
🙂
Remember,
I’ve found it helpful to have a bag full of coping tools, not that I’m consistent in using them. You wouldn’t even begin to imagine the ways I’ve tried to steer my mind of him. My tools become ridiculous at times!
Good work coming here in your moment of obsessing!
Your situation reminds me of some lyrics from a song by Sia that hits home for me.
“You did not break me. I’m still fighting for peace.”
KO,
Yes, best words right there…
🙂
Remember,
We’re in this together.
This too shall pass.