Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Remembertoforget,
How are you doing?
Sounds like you had a bad day.
I don’t encourage it but I wanted to give you some info so that if you do feel the need, such as this not to go the entire day wondering who the text came from..
It’s an app called privacystar.
It’s free to down load BUT…for like 12.00 per year you can upgrade and actually look up cell #’s.
You can also block and report numbers for free but I have found the cell look up helpful when I was getting calls from all these numbers who I later found out were his stupid friends.
I know that looking up cell #’s online can be difficult and time consuming but this app actually works.
Hugs to you and I pray that text will be the last of it.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Thank you for asking, and thanks for the name of that app!
I am fine!
If anything it’s just silly.
:)))
I hope you are good today!!!
xoxooo
Remembertoforget,
Good! I am so glad that you are ok…
It is sill but I understand how annoying that can be and how it can put you into a funk.
I am doing well…ok.
I have been NC since last week when stupid sent me that ridiculous
text about how I did not come to Florida where he decided to move out of the blue(to me at least) to see him for his birthday.
Dumbass with his stupid pity plays.
Now I am happy that he is gone but things have just been too quiet.
I know him, his patterns. He is probably down there with his new prey… whatever.
I am not even wasting my energy.
I have some appts scheduled next week and its all about me.
I was feeling a little down today because I was feeling soooo taken advantage of.
I DO NOT MISS HIM.
I do not feel like contacting him just the aftermath of the craziness.
I did have a date last weekend and had a great time but I found myself blabbing way too much.I need to learn how to just shut up and not reveal too much info in the beginning. He wanted to see me again this weekend but I am NOT ready.
I will work with my therapist next week about this.
Sorry to talk all about me, like a spath …still learning how to be me again but I am so glad to have my Lovefraud friends as pretty much all of my friends have ditched me….for now anyway. I will find my way back.
I will learn how to be a good friend again and not blow off my friends for any man.
XOXO.
SITC
SITC,
Yaay for continuing NC.
I have had the same issue forever with sharing too much to people right off the bat.
I’m consciously practicing not doing it.
We are a work in progress.
I had to blow off a bunch of people because they are all acting in unhealthy ways that I do not want to be associated with anymore.
I like my alone time. I like having quality over quantity.
You will get there.
One minute at a time.
🙂
Strong,
No other texts.
If I do, you guys will be the first to know.
One morning when I woke up I had a missed call from a restricted # and that’s not suspicious but it was from 5:09 am. That to me was fishy.
I am good though. Totally fine.
:)))) yaaay
Remembertoforget,
Thanks for the reply.
I like my alone time too!
I will admit it’s a strange feeling after all of the drama.
I am wishing you peace and quiet!!!
I also had to get rid of a lot of mutual friends that I do not trust.
We grew up in the same neighborhood and he still keeps in contact with most of them.
I never really did.
They were CHILDHOOD friends and I have moved on.
He is still a child so fitting that he still keeps in contact with them.
For the longest time I was trying to figure out what the heck he wanted from me and I read something today that they love to destroy strong independent women. I’m figuring I was his game.
Yuck.
I still can’t even believe I let this soul sucker back into my life 7 years after he totally discarded me…
What the hell is wrong with me?
Something to explore but I will tell you this.
I have learned a lesson and I will NEVER get involved with anyone like this ever again.. NEVER.
I will always trust my gut instinct, my women’s intuition that he told me over and over again that was broken.
Now that he is away it’s so much easier to see it.
The exhaustion, the disrespect for my job home and morals.
His general hatred towards women and lack of work ethic that I demand in a partner.
The red flags will send me running.
I am stronger in the fact that if he does come back to my city as e has been known to do, I will have nothing to do with him.
I am worried about his motive to move back to Florida and I have shared this with Donna.
Ok, I am done.
I am just so happy that the craving to text, call or see him has passed and he can go and con someone else.
The feeling of telling him off comes and goes.
I know there is no point in doing that.
He will lie, deny and make up stories.
I don’t care but i am still working through it as you say one minute at a time!
Hugs!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Good morning,
My co-worker just said there is even an app that you can have a fake number. I think Strong mentioned that…
Anyways, I don’t mean to be a negative Nelly, but between smart phone apps, fake Facebook profiles, all social profiles, fake this fake that- I believe the world is designed for shady behavior.
It’s so gross and disappointing.
Our best defense is what we have learned, and protect ourselves from evil as you guys say, evil.
Society has leaned towards the sick side of the spectrum.
Remembertoforget,
Yes there is an app for just about everything, fake this..fake that.
I actually saw a DR Phil show recently that a girl was actually arrested for doing this as it was tied into abuse from her boyfriend.
I didn’t catch to entire show but yes, I agree it’s disgusting that the world has to hide behind fake.
The app allows people to use this “fake ” number for dating sites and so forth, BECAUSE WE DON’T TRUST PEOPLE.
Just me and the space I am in…I don’t trust anyone right now.
I didnt meet my spath on a dating site.
He was someone from my neighborhood when I was a child but I didnt know him.
His family was like the dirty pig pen people and my mother did not allow us to go too far from our home. We spent most of our time at the park swimming, tap lessons, gymnastics and so forth.
What I am trying to get at is creepy people are everywhere. They always have been, we just have more access to them because of the internet.
We learned the hard way by not being educated and I so worry about the young girls and how they put themselves out there on FB, Instagram, Twitter and parents allow this.
I am having a bad time and feeling isolated but one thing is for sure, I an staying NO CONTACT.
I have never felt so strong about this.
The addiction to him is broken. I have no desire to contact him and the feelings of wanting to know what he is doing are pretty much gone too.
I just don’t care anymore.
He ABUSED me as a good person and enjoyed watching a strong independent woman turn into a crazy person.
NO MORE!!!!
I still sometimes feel the need to warn others but I am more important right now.
There is nothing I can do,
I just want to quietly fade away from his being and hope that I never see him again.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
That sounds like a great plan, fade away fade away.
I feel bad for the children that don’t have good parents that monitor them. What people accept and think is normal these days is sad. Partly because of the internet and pop culture tv reality shows. Glorifying the wrong things. And girls put themselves waaaay out there. There is also so much addictions.
I am glad to see so I can change.
I isolate but I chose that. I think we are better off like that especially for now.
I met the ex on fb but he is from a crowd of people I have known from 18 years ago.
Sadly, they are all older some married and divorced some wiyj kids, and some dead. Sad part being they are still running around feeding their ego beasts!!
If I didn’t have a wake up call I may have continued to think it was normal.
I didn’t meet mine on a dating site either. I met him in an exercise class. I knew him; or at least I thought I knew him for a year before we were together.
It was that false sense of security that caused me to let my guard down.After all, I heard from others that he was a nice guy.
Looking back, what could I possibly know about someone from just an hour or so a day, 3 or 4 times a week?
Lesson learned on that. However, it shakes my confidence in my ability to be a good judge of character.
I met my ex psychopath in Church, ‘dated’ for a year before we ‘married,’ and waited until marriage for sex. I missed the many red flags, and ignored my gut feeling warnings, because I didn’t know ‘people’ like this existed. I had no concept of this kind of abuse and victimization, particularly the subtlety of it.
He isolated me, although I didn’t realize it at the time. We dated in a vacuum, without much real interaction with other people, nor did we spend much time doing things cooperatively with groups of other people, such as family and friends. He cited certain circumstance for the isolation, which I believed at the time, but it makes no sense in retrospect. Even though we lived only an hour’s drive apart, he used long telephone conversations and long emails to keep me engaged and keep control over me on the days we did not spend time together in person.
Anette,
Geez, sounds just like my exspath except for the church part, but lived 15 minutes apart.
Everything else sounds just alike!
Happy Saturday.
Hi all,
I ran into one of my ex sociopaths friends today.
This was an acquaintance to me but one of his friends.
I never knew him all that well just a hello in passing.
To my surprise he was very nice and not really sure if he knows we broke up.
He just said hey are you sociopaths girl?
I just said yes I know him. It was kind of awkward.
He really didn’t say much but was very nice and friendly.
He said “you are looking good today. What are you up to today”?
I just explained I was doing errands and had to leave.
It’s nice to know that at least he is not bad mouthing me to his friends.
I guess I kind of broke no contact because I had been obsessing earlier today after running into him.
I’m over it now but I wanted to post here before I do something stupid.
UGH!!!!!
Stronginthecity
SITC,
I wouldn’t assume that he isn’t talking bad or indirectly insulting you, but he may be garnering pity, or he’s too embarrassed by the breakup to announce it to non-close friends. Also, don’t assume that any friends/acquaintances won’t go tell the ex that they saw you and answer any questions, especially about what you said.
My ex was always asking my close friend how I was doing, since I stopped going to the place he hangs out. I finally told my friend that I’d prefer he either not answer my ex, or stop telling me, as I didn’t need to be constantly reminded of him. (This is another way they try to hang onto us, so don’t be afraid to set rules to your friends or his friends.) I only want to know if something major happens to him, like dismemberment. :p
Strong,
I was just about to say the same thing as MissFortune. Just because his friend was being nice does not mean he hadn’t heard anything bad about you. The ex almost always used the pity play to smear you. I learned this the hard way.
Good news is that you didn’t engage in too much conversation. Always stay aware of the friends. No matter how close they are to him. Assume agendas and keep your distance. Better safe than sorry.
For all you know your ex got word that his friend saw you which may have inspired his call. Although your ex’s call seems to also represent his pattern.
Change your number! Using a different name is an excellent idea!
Stay NC!!!! We’re her for you. Xxxxxx
MissFortune,
Yessss! Dismemberment.. I would not even care about that.
I stopped contact with all of our mutual friends.
I’m sure his friend told him he saw me.
I don’t even care if he talk shit about me.
I am taking care or me now.
I am done with him, he has been able to get back in my life before, he thinks he can do it again.
NO WAY.
My life is on the line now.
I did not say anything about him to his friend and made it short and sweet.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Getting him out of your life will make room for good things to come into your life.
Kittylove,
Thanks for the kitty hug…I sure need one right now.
Did you see my post about the phone call???
Yikes..
The friend of his that saw caught me at a good moment, I was looking good yesterday. I don’t feel he was hitting on me just being nice.
I’m so glad he didnt cathch me wth my puffy eyes, no makeup and greasy hair.
I can’t believe that fucktard called me from another phone.
Getting therapy appt. scheduled right now!
SITC
At first, it really threw me for a loop when acquaintances mentioned the ex psychopath when I was out and about. When I prepared myself and expected people to bring him up, it was easier. I eventually developed a couple of standard replies: to most people I just said, ‘we’re not married anymore.’ To folks whom I thought it would be good to know a little of the truth I told them he did porn.
You might come up with a prepared answer, maybe something like: he cheated so I had to break up with him. Most people just reply, ‘oh, I’m sorry’ and move on to another topic. If not, you can just change the subject, or politely say, ‘let’s talk about something happier.’ Or whatever works for you.
Overall I found it much easier for me to deal with when I had a prepared answer.
SITc,
Glad you got over it and posted here.
Don’t do anything silly. Lol,
Keep strong!
🙂