Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Thank goodness for my LF friends!!!
OMG!!!
To make matters worse….I received a call from a 850 # this morning(Florida).He has an 850 # but it was not his.
I was getting my breakfast ready so I let it ring.
There was a voice mail.
It was him, the sociopath.
While I am scrambling around trying to schedule all kinds of appointments for ME, off work…leave still not approved by my employer…may not have a job to go back to…blob of a mess..
He left a voice mail if I wanted to talk????
Are you frickin kidding me….
HELP!!!!!!!!
He said his cell phone “froze” …ok whatever..and he did not get a chance to get another one. He left his HOME # that he would be home at 8 tonight I could call him then, PUKE..then he called me “babe”.
He had that pity tone to his voice.
OMG, I don’t need this crap right now.
And who’s phone just freezes?????
LIAR.Stuid story, he probably smashed it like he did before.
HELP,
Stronginthecity
Change your number. Make it unlisted. Even list it under a false name if you can so he can’t find it with one of those people finder sites. Don’t let him trigger you. Hugs. NMW
Nomorewool,
I can’t change it right now as I have appointments scheduled and messages left at doctors offices and my work.
Crap.
As I mentioned I may not have a job to go back to and have to get these appts scheduled asap while I still have insurance.
I’m now sure the friend I ran into called him yesterday and told him he saw me.
I DON”T WANT TO “TALK”. There is nothing to talk about.
I need him out of my life forever.
SITC
Strong, I just recently changed my number and email. It was a giant pain calling all my contacts and kids doctors, etc to provide the new number. Same with Email.
However, it has been a huge relief.
I no longer have to wonder if he is going around the blocks with different emails and phone numbers.
He also doesn’t have the power to interrupt my day, my thoughts, my peace.
It has been more than worth the hassle…
Just something to consider
AnnettePK,
Yes, you are totally right about changing the phone #.
I now have all of my appointments scheduled do I’m not waiting for people to call me back.
Will do.
It’s the best way to avoid things like what happened today.
I need to stay focused on my recovery.
Thank you, again!
Stronginthecity
Sorry Amille22!
That last post was in response to your post about changing #’s!
SITC
No worries Strong! I just want you to be happy.
And I think the only way for us to do that it to stop letting them into our lives.
Even if we don’t respond to their craziness, phone calls, emails, it still is upsetting to hear from them
Thanks for all your posts. They help me tremendously to read and learn with you.
It is your choice whether you interact with him, regardless of what he wants and what he does. It is likely that he will continue to contact you different ways trying to get a response. If you don’t respond in any way, he will eventually get bored and leave you alone. Don’t respond by telling him to leave you alone. If you respond after he calls and texts you 50 times, then he will contact you 50 times the next round because he has learned that that is what it takes to get you to respond.
At this point it may be better not to change your number or block him, because he will see that as a response. The ultimate no response is to let the calls go to voice mail and ignore them. Alternatively, you could block the number he calls from each time he calls from a different number.
If you accidentally answer when he calls, hang up as soon as you realize it’s him. Don’t show him any emotion, because that is the payoff for him – to get you to get emotional – he doesn’t care what the emotion is, as long as he can get you to react emotionally to him.
AnnettePK… that’s so true! If he can get an emotional response, he doesn’t give a damn what kind of emotion it is. All he cares about is being the cause of something, because that way, he wins. I noticed this many times with my ex spath. I would try to stay even toned when we talked, but then I would either laugh or I’d make an angry remark… his reaction was the same either way. It gave him a charge to make me feel something that he caused. Yuck.
Really liked your point about not changing the number, as that would be a response. I have been no contact for a few days except for an email I sent him telling him he owes me $400 for some things he’s done that were malicious. I said I was writing off the vast majority of what he owes me, but these particular items were necessary to be repaid. I told him if he didn’t I would forward the email to his family. This is equivalent to a threat because his family is totally unaware of how he’s treated me. I ended the email with a date that he needs to pay me by, and that this does not change the no contact rule. He replied with agreement to pay and nothing more… he needs to mail it to me. I felt it was a win for me, so I’m happy about it. No contact is critical, but for this situation, I had to step a little bit outside of that for the sake of making him have at least a small measure of consequences.
Sorry for rambling about this! It’s just right there in my head so I wanted to share it. And I would love to get some feedback from everyone about my email to him and if this was a mistake or not.
xoxo 🙂
Gaslit,
In my view it is a judgement call whether to send him the demand for repayment. If you’re not further harmed by the contact, then it’s not a mistake. If it backfires somehow and you are harmed, then it was a mistake.
In my experience, if one is in control of one’s emotions and is resolute not to allow the spath to continue to push one’s buttons, that spath’s sense this and they stop trying to play their evil games. From what you describe, this seems to be the case in your situation; and it sounds like he may pay you.
I have had similar contacts with my ex psychopath, and they have been short and to the point. It’s like dealing with a machine now that I am a couple of years out. I don’t think that my recovery was harmed nor helped by these business matter type contacts.
It’s an individual choice. Some survivors would choose to forego the $400 rather than deal with the spath, and that may be the right decision for them.
I’m a little bit confused now. I shouldn’t have changed my phone number and email addresses? He kept using alias and new Numbers to contact me.
I found that upsetting.
However you are saying that my action was actually a response? Will cause further action on his part?
Amille,
I don’t think changing your number was necessarily a response, and since it worked well for you, and many other victims, it is definitely the right thing to do. It depends on the situation.
I suggested that Strong consider not changing her number and letting the calls go to voice mail, because from her description of her situation it sounded like her ex spath might get into a game with her where he would keep getting her new numbers and she’d change her number and he would see that as a response in his game. It sounded like she had been going round and round for awhile trying to achieve NC, and he is playing her in any way he can push her buttons.
I offered the idea of not changing her number for her to consider, but it may not be the best course for Strong, and she is in the best position to decide what will work best for her. Every survivor has the power and responsibility to decide what works best for them.
Hi Amille, I just wanted to add that there are two reasons to change your phone number & email once you leave a narcissist/socioapth.
1) to send a clear signal to your abuser that you don’t want anything more to do with him. Telling them this is not enough.
2) to give you time to clear your mind, educate yourself on his disorder and to start the healing process without him interfering in this process.
By you changing your email/phone you now can see that he does not care about your boundaries, he does not care that you do not want him in your life, you can see that he does not care about his wife & you can see he is trying to use love bombing to control you & manipulate you back into a relationship with him even while he is still married.
What he is doing now by searching for your new phone number & email is stalking you. This is a wake up call to who he really is. He is married or living with another woman and he is still trying to keep you in his con game. This is the sick behavior & thinking that they do. He is with another woman clearly he does not care about her feelings or yours.
The best thing you can do is talk with your phone company about how you can block “blocked numbers” from your phone. And also you should keep a journal of the times he attempts to call you & if he leaves a message have a friend/family member listen to the message & for them also to keep a journal of what he stated in the message…why is this important to do? you are documenting his stalking behavior in case you need to get a restraining order on him.
Google “stalking” to learn more about this abusive controlling behavior of his.
You did the right thing by following the No Contact rule. It’s the best thing you can ever do for peace & calmness in your life!!
Take care 🙂
Thanks Jan! I need to clarify that since I changed numbers and deleted email, I have not heard from him. He has no means of obtaining either unless there is some database or paid service.
The reason I changed numbers and deleted email was because the blocks weren’t working. To your point, he showed no respect for me/my decision to walk….or his wife/girlfriend.
It has truly helped not hearing from him or letting his emails and texts intrude my peace.
I still have some bad moments. Probably loneliness is the tough one now. However I would rather be lonely and alone than lonely in a bad relationship…..
Hope all is well with you!
Hi Amille, yes, all is good with me thanks for asking 🙂
Ahh I miss understood your comment, I thought he was calling you with a blocked number. Glad that is not the case.
I think the biggest misconception with the no contact rule & also with a restraining order is it’s only used to keep the abuser away but infact it’s also for the victim to come out of the fog/control & start the healing process.
As for the “loneliness” you are experience…that is normal when you first leave your abuser. But it will subside with time & healing. When I first left I felt the same because my ex h had isolated me so much from friends/family both physically but also with all his word manipulation so I too felt alone. But one day I really thought about “loneliness” in general and came to the conclusion that there are 7 billion people on this planet and you are never truly alone..you just have to get out and meet the right people but also learn that you yourself are the greatest company you can ever be around.
I don’t get lonely anymore. I enjoy my company now a days even more so. I also have learned that being alone gives me time to do deep thinking & just being in the moment to really see the say a beautiful sunset to it’s fullest or a rainy day to it’s fullest. I think this is really an true awaking to life.
Buddhist teaching is to become detached…not detached to not care but detached to just be at mindful peace and have no exceptions of yourself & others. Not really explaining it well but if you read up on this Buddhist philosophy i.e. detachment even if you are not a Buddhist (which I am not but I like their messages) it will make more sense.
The “bad moments” will subside as well…it’s a grieving process but the light at the end of the tunnel will be bright that’s the good news 🙂
sorry auto corrected wrong..should be “no expectations of yourself”
Strong,
This is almost exactly what mine would do!! Blame it on the phone. He ALWAYS blamed it on his precious blackberry freezing. Please please PLEASE learn from my experience they have nothing of value to say. He just wants to suck you back in. It’s a maneuvering technique that sadly works when you are not aware. Mine would do this when he would come back into my life when I was at the hospital and he was silencing me and he wanted back into my life. I know how excruciatingly annoying it is to change your numbers and personal information but please consider doing so when you have some energy. It will help relieve any pressure or guilt or residing feelings. He is trying to push your buttons.
Please focus on you and if you cannot change your information there are apps from google like google talk that allows you to have your own phone number through Internet. I used that in the later months of my relationship because I was fed up of being hurt. I slowly was reverting everyone of value towards there. Consider after every appointment telling them your number one at a time ( if you so choose taking the plunge it’s less overwhelming this way and slowly everyone will know this helped me when I had no energy). This app allows you to block people as well. It also sends you an email of the written messages so it’s less triggering. This is what I had by the end when I was standing up for myself and saying no to his silent treatments before my last surgery. It did wonders for me. It helped me have the power back and I no longer shuttered whenever my phone rang or get anxiety of what would he say today? I answered because I wanted to answered not because I needed to.
I just saw this and I had to post something- it was like I was reading my life experience and wished someone told me when I was going through it. Take it from me who bought into it believing in the good and giving the benefit of the doubt, he’s no different. He can’t be different. He will only offer the same. This time take it for yourself. You’re doing good in making appointments ( which is energy draining in itself). you need to love yourself and take care of yourself. Your health is more important than this schmuck and the lies he will tell.
The ladies have very great responses. Hugs
Bluelight,
Ah yes, the phone…
I could go on and on about the phone but I will spare you all the details…
One thing I know that if his mouth is moving it’s a lie.
Last time he wen to Florida his phone just stopped working and had to get a new phone and a new #.
Now the message he left said that his phone “froze”..ok because phone do that all the time…whatever.
Perhaps he got a virus from looking at teen porn again..which blamed that on me too.. I could go on and on and I won’t even let my mind go where I believe his true motives are for picking up suddenly and moving back to “fix his house”.
I have a sick feeling about it and like everything else I know I am right.
His sick porn obsession, what I found on his phone with multiple browsers open and things downloading when he asked me to look up his divorce court date because my phone battery was dead…that was my fault too.
He smashed that phone after he admitted he was a sick F$#@....... and then told me he never said that, my fault too.
I still have the broken phone and the SIM card but as Jan7 pointed out I refrain from using that to hold over his head because I have seen that temper and it’d some scary stuff.
Certain people know and that’s all I am saying here.
Now that I am not caving to him as I have done in the past and he is living with his computer savvy kids, I don’t want him to stumble on this site as I did accuse him of being a spath.
I now know I should not have done that but whats done is done.
I am sure the reason for his call was just to see if he still had me hooked,and I’m sure his friend called him on his “frozen” cell phone or the # he called me on is his new # because he either loaded it with a virus or smashed it when I did not answer his calls.
Anyway between my phone setting, blocking through my cell carrier and privacystar app I am good for now.
I somehow figured out to set my phone to only let calls and texts that are in my contacts come through. Quite awesome I must say!
The Google voice # I have had for years and seldom use it. He has that # too. I put a block on that # also.
I know he will never change. I know he is a rat.
I’m sure there is plenty more that he did and I really don’t care.
I am on the right path. I can feel it.
I don’t feel any urge at all to contact him.
Will he come around again?
of coarse he will.
I have no doubt whatsoever that I have the strength to walk away.
Thanks for everything.
This site has really been a life saver!
XOXO,
Stroninthecity
OMG you guys..
defiantly a pattern.
The phone call was to put out feelers to see if I will talk to him.
He thinks I will tell him everything like before.
I am telling him NOTHING!
I am not calling him, are you kidding.
I am not calling the cell phone # he called me from, thats blocked now too.
He will be home at 8:00 pm tonight and I can call him……yeah right…
I finally got a psychiatrist appt next week and waiting on return calls from therapists right now.
I got the names of a few that sound promising.
I still have to take care of my back issue to see if I need surgery all this and the HR person from the corporate office has not yet officially approved my leave…I need to get my short term disability and my FMLA approved…ahhhhhh!!!!
If he was here he would be sabotaging all of this and be crying about some bullshit nonsense…
I am going to stay strong and focus on making MY appointments.
I finally deleted all of his infantile text messages yesterday.
Stronginthecity
“I am going to stay strong and focus on making MY appointments.
I finally deleted all of his infantile text messages yesterday.”
You go girl!
Nomorewool,
Thank you so much for the support.
All of you!
Have a therapy appt coming up really soon and so looking forward to that.
I want to get back a part of me that has been gone for so long.
His call today was pretty much on queue.
It does not matter if his phone was “frozen” or whatever. I did not call. I wouldn’t know!
Stronginthecity
PS I think I’m going to change my name to Idontcare!
Deleting his old texts is a big step that empowers you; and takes his power over you away.
Kittylover,
Thank you.
You are so right
The drama is so familiar but know he motives are pure evil.
I have seen it over and over again.
I’m trying not to read too much into this,
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I’m out of my torment. My was bipolar (schizophrenic related type) with a borderline of narcissism PD. Very clever, charming and focused.
However, I was never truly comfortable with him, luckily I didn’t share my vulnerabilities to him as he never asked I just didn’t feel the need to explain my baggage.
He made a considerable effort to get me, I was discarded 3 times by phone for no apparent reason. I pressed on the 2 Ne occasion and he mentioned his ex had contacted him and I’d made him ‘say it’.
Stupidly I felt I should try again as I had invested my time and he was ‘ill’
i worked out the splitting a long way back, I had sympathy although he never told me about this part of his co morbid condition. His eyes would be saucer like, he couldn’t look me in the eye and his voice was different even the intonation and grammar. He truly believes that nobody notices this dramatic change, they do of course.
when this man tantrums the explosion of toxic material is not imaginable unless you’ve been a victim. It’s prolonged, slanderous, spiteful, affection is withdrawn its like rape.
Best to shut up and bide your time until you can slip away, I have suffered from nightmares after my experience & needed Valium for the first time in my life. Just from one evening out.
The abuse was covert, it’s was deliberate, I got a poison pen letter blaming me for his behaviour ? This is a 50 year old man with a good career.
Here are some clues I picked up on 1 limited sense of humour
2 pretend to understand what you are talking about when you know they don’t.
3 get cross if you don’t answer the phone when they deem to call. Might text you if your engaged on another call.
4 like to ‘suggest’ what you wear or how you could ‘look better’
5 are very 2 dimensional when disassociated, take everything literally so be careful not to joke.
6 patronising with strange beliefs about women.
7 objectify themselves and all women,
8 being thoughtful is a chore to them so gifts etc will dry up.
9 accept that they are more clever than you.
10 prefer not to talk about anything don’t know about.
11 your views will be considered silly, I’ll informed or unimportant.
12 massive control freaks, often covert and disguised as ‘caring’
13 sulking and silences, not returning calls until hey are ready , I was accused of this when I went no contact.
14 tantrums, violent emotional abuse, rage hissy fits and bullying.
15 they are 100% coward, no courage whatsoever.
16 jealous if you seem more popular than they are. Strange really as they wanted people to like you.
17 enjoy speculating about the lives of others whilst not being keen on all the gossip ( they created)
18 believe they are superior to their ex wife, in a different league.
19 eventually you will dress you. Tell you your thoughts, the sex will be rubbish and you’ll be a shell just as they are.
Mine was a vulnerable dark triad candidate. Being part of this had totally freaked me out as I didn’t believe that cruelty for its own sake was an option for any human. It was his enjoyment of it which made my blood run cold.
Obviously he’s the real victim in life ask him !!!
I relate to this so much. Mine actually went through my closet the first year we were together to throw away the things HE felt weren’t flattering on me and I let him….always used the Bible against me and made me feel like I didn’t know God and His word like I thought I did….we were ‘celibate’ but in reality it was only I who was celibate – he had premature ejaculation issues and I now see his attempt at making us wait until marriage was to hook me because he knew I believed marriage should be forever and would put up with a sexless marriage just to keep my word. I could go on and on, but your story sounds so much like mine. I just wish I had known about this before I met him. I had never done online dating before – now I wish I could go back.
I’m reading all of these posts and thinking about all of the things my spath told me about his ex-wife. He told me about how she changed immediately after the wedding. His family said they could tell she didn’t love him and was only marrying him for what he could do for her. He told me she cheated on him towards the end of the marriage but he wanted to make it work. He said at the end of the relationship she tricked him into thinking their home was being foreclosed on and the minute he moved out she changed the locks and got a restraining order against him before filing for divorce. He called her crazy. Told me about a time she tried to throw herself out of a moving car. Constantly called her stupid and uneducated. One of his brothers would mention on several occasions that she seemed depressed, unfocused and like a shell of herself since the relationship was over. I remember hearing one of his sister in laws tell me how angry his ex-wife was when she sat down to talk to her shortly after they separated – how she felt that he ruined her life, her credit.
Now that I’m more aware of what kind of abuser he was, I feel like such a fool for not seeing that his ex-wife was never crazy, she was just broken, beat down and destroyed by him. She was going through her own process of dealing with things, only she had to live with the fact that she gave him 20 years of her life and not only has 3 children with him, but their youngest has special needs so she will probably have to spend the rest of her life having to deal with him on some level. I feel for her, but I’m also so glad I never married or had children with him and it makes me feel terrible to say that out loud. I just wish there was some way I could reach out to her, even if it was just to make sure she knew what she was dealing with and why she feels the way she does, maybe tell her about this forum. I don’t know how she’s dealing with this on her own.
My ex psychopath also told me many negative things about his first ex wife, and I believed him at first. Eventually, he had all the same complaints about me. Including how his ex ‘changed’ and I was ‘not the woman he married.’ My ex psychopath also said his first ex wife was angry all the time. After being ‘married’ to him for awhile, I was angry all the time, too.
Her ‘crazy’ behavior he complained about made sense to me after he drove me crazier.
I also wanted very much to reach out to her, and came very close to doing so. However, I don’t know her at all, she lives on the other side of the country, and I didn’t want to risk causing her consternation. What I considered doing, and perhaps this would work for you, was to let her know that if she ever wanted to talk or meet for lunch or whatever, I’d love to chat with her, and give her my contact info.
It’s not healthy to be talking in detail about an ex anyway. When my ex psychopath first bad mouthed his first ex wife, I asked him not to talk about her. When he kept doing it, I told him to be careful, I might take her side, kind of joked that women stick together, etc. Our first argument was because he agreed not to talk about her and then did it anyway. It was the first red flag I missed. When I brought up the issue, he spent the next 2 years doing nothing but talk about her, probably trying to prove he’s always right and perfect.
I also
Had a loong dream of the ex last night, woke up mad.
I rarely dream of him. I also think the usual hormonal fluctuation has to do with the mood.
Working through it. Just really feel like I hate him today.
His behavior and how he treated you deserves to be hated, but you don’t deserve the stress of hating him.
Remebertoforget…hating him is a good place to be in the healing process. You see him for exactly who he is…it’s ok to hate him.
I have those kinds of dreams especially when I first left him but now for me in my dreams I actually tell him off…LOL…the good news is he never gets a chance to respond to me telling him off…LOL.
My mind sorted it all out. Your mind is going through the healing process. Embrace the anger stage it’s part of the “grieving process” (google)
🙂
Remembertoforget,
Sorry you woke up mad from the dream.
Dreaming is actually healthy and your minds way of releasing your fear and anxiety.
I am a very vivid dreamer and always have been.
I was experiencing dreams(nightmares) about my ex always hurting me or chasing me and trying to hurt me.
I would wake up in tears because it was that frightening.
I am not a dream expert but I believe its helpful because my dreams were showing me what I suppressing.
He is evil and I had been still in contact with him. My dreams, I feel were helpful to finally realize that any contact with him(thank goodness he does not email) were holding me back from healing.
I know you are feeling yucky today.
Try do do just one thing that will make you feel better.
Go for a short walk. Do some yoga stretching or even some yoga breathing.
Call a trusted friend.
Journal. Go get a manicure or just wash your hair and blow dry and style it. Put on some make up.
Pick a time today that you will stop hating for today as we all know how much energy that takes.
I brush my kitty cats and cuddle with them.
It really helps.
Post here get it out!
I love the idea of putting up happy pictures in my home of places and people that I love like the beach or countryside.
Hope this is helpful!
Hugs to you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
AnnettePK,
I have changed my phone # before and he was always able to obtain it somehow.
The difference now is that I don’t answer the phone and talk to him!
I am in control now.
I was upset when he picked up and left but in retrospect it was the best thing that could nave happened.
My mistake was continuing to interact with him, and thanks to my LF friends(trust me no one else gets it) I was able to stop that too.
I no longer feel the need to communicate with him to see what kind of mood he is in because I don’t care.
I care about me, my health..physical and emotional and my job situation.
He does not have a job and never respected mine.
I am done.
The phone call from him yesterday just made me more productive.
I got all of my appointments scheduled, cleaned my house, cooked a nice meal, cleaned my basement and did all the dishes.
I still have lots do do but I am getting it done when I want to.
I also got a nice phone call from one of my true friends.
WE had a nice chat.Love her.
I love you guys too. I know I can always post here and not sit with a sick feeling in my stomach if there will be a nasty response.
I’m sure you all identify with that
I was thinking about the one person who was on here about 6 or 7 months ago that was posting inappropriate comments and making us feel bad, remember?
I won’t mention a name but that person faded away thank goodness.
Other than that I feel safe to say whatever I want and not fear the “wrath”…
Anyway, I still have not changed my phone #.
Right now I will block, and not respond.
I don’t feel the need to like I have in the past because I don’t care.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Anette, Jan,
I thought I was done with anger. Lol. You just reminded me, in the dream I was telling him off or telling him exactly what he was!
Remembertoforget…Girl Power = telling a sociopath off in your dreams = priceless = for everything else there is Master Card…haha 😉
Hahaaaa!
🙂
xoxooooo
Love it!
It is so good to hear you feeling in control and positive! The good things you are doing for yourself, like housecleaning, cooking, phone visiting with a friend, etc, probably wouldn’t be happening if the spath was still around, because he would be doing everything he can to create pointless drama, pain and suffering so you focus on him and trying to do the impossible – get him to change. It took me a couple of years to clean up the mess my ex psychopath left in the house and the yard. They are destructive on every level.
Sounds like you have turned a corner. You’ll probably have ups and downs, but every day of your life will be getting better.
AnnettePK,
Thank you! I do have my moments when I look around my house at all of the projects he promised to do,
Nothing done. Not a thing.
I remember the days when he would be here and make a big deal about taking out the garbage.
I don’t think he ever even bought a roll of toilet paper.
I think he once bought a bar of soap….
UGH, not going there because I don’t care.
Now I am getting paranoid and thinking way too much into the voicemail he left giving me his home #….
It’s just not something he would do unless he has a motive.
I am scared that he did that to give me a false sense of security to think he is still there and really on his way back to my city…
I certainly hope not but if he is I will stay strong and not see him for any reason.
I am going to keep positive and not be scared.
SITC
His motive could be as general as trying to get you under his control again; or he may have a specific scheme in mind. When you get to the point you are now at – determined not to go back, having a clear understanding of what he is and what he does and that he will never change; you render powerless his ability to hook you by his lies. You are much less vulnerable.
Do you know how he got your number?
Besides being aware of what he might try to do, you might think through and plan out in detail what you will do if he shows up at your door, drives by your home, encounters you at the grocery store, has another person contact you on his behalf, etc, whatever you can think of he might do. For example, if he shows up in person, you might plan to not open the door and call the police. Kind of obvious, but it can be helpful to rehearse it in your mind to keep from being taken by surprise. However he may surprise you, plan to say and do nothing no matter what he says and does. He may plan to try to push your buttons into interacting with him. You can always respond later to whatever BS he comes up with that is designed to hook you. If he’s near, make it a priority not to respond in any way and to get away from him.
Hopefully, he will sense that you’re no longer going to allow him to play his games with you, and he may move on to a better victim.
Jan7!
Love that..Girl power!
They are used to us cowering and not coming together to support each other.
SITC
Stronginthecity…. finding our gumption & Girl power together!! 🙂
I hope someone gets this…
I fit EVERY SINGLE description of a spath target. I was kind, loving, good hearted, from a small town where everyone knew everyone, and always believed the best of people. Four years and 5 breakups later I don’t know who I am anymore.
I fell in love with this man. I thought he was the answer to my deepest prayer and now I just feel so stupid. The last breakup was over a month ago and this time it was me who did it. Prior to this last time, we hadn’t spoken in over a year and during that time I did research, found out about narcissism and was really in a good place, but the good part of me thought he had changed, or that I was now strong enough to handle him so when he “hoovered” in May of 2014 I thought things were going to be okay. As my “luck” would have it my mom got sick during this time with cancer and passed away 6 weeks after he reentered my life…I, like a fool thought that him coming back was some kind of sign that God brought us back together because He knew I would need a shoulder to cry on. I didn’t see that all he saw was a chance to get back into my head was basically handed to him…
I had my moments. I was stronger this time and even raged on him once. I didn’t know where it came from because I’m usually mild mannered but I let him have it, called him on everything he did, dropped a LOT of f-bombs, screamed, and when he attempted to cry I told him I wasn’t moved. When he did his disappearing act for 2 months I went out and dated other people. But, I felt like I was out of line for being so disrespectful to another human being and reached out to him. He immediately responded and we had an 8 hour drive around town doing what I thought was sincere talking, listening, understanding and making a decision to try again. But it didn’t last. I had my usual 3-4 great months of things going great and just like clockwork, the minute he sensed he “had me,” we played the back and forth, hot and cold game again. I was still stronger, but instead of just leaving I tried to prove points – show him I wasn’t the same woman anymore. After a disagreement in late May I woke up to a page long text shaming and criticizing me for what he saw as a major issue with a decision I made about something. His words didn’t really hurt me like they usually do, but what hit me was the reality that the same man who made me feel like any request for more affection from him, something as simple as getting a ‘good morning’ text each morning was putting too much pressure on him, had ZERO problem waking up early enough in the morning to leave me a page long hurtful text knowing that’s what I would wake up to…it hit me then that he wasn’t going to change, didn’t love me, and I was wasting my time.
I ended things by email. True to form he actually said he saw it coming and ‘wished me all the best in everything..” I told him I wouldn’t be responding to anything he had to say..he sends an email later saying he’s mailing back my key and saying I didn’t need to respond if the address was right (I already said I wasn’t responding to you, you JERK, smh). The same day I broke it off, I took my phone off of his account, got my own, and he has been blocked form my phone, email and ALL social media.
I was feeling proud of myself but now I just feel numbness and a LOT of rage. I’m so angry with myself for giving him 4 years of my life. Moving away from everything I knew because I loved him and believed we were supposed to be together. I’m a smart woman and can’t understand how I became so dumb. How could I give him FIVE chances when I’ve always been a “once and done’ woman in relationships? How could I keep holding on to a dream when it was so clearly only in my head? How could I continue to love someone who managed down my birthday, disappointed me on all major holidays, and always treated me like I was just supposed to be an extension of him instead of my own person? How could I not see that the ONLY time he would pull the silent treatment and breakup was when I got enough strength to let him know I didn’t know what was happening but he wasn’t treating me right and I was tired of it. How could I spend the last 4 years letting my son see me in various stages of devastation? How did I not see this.
Today I’m writing because I’m realizing I might be acting out. I haven’t been to church. I’m a Christian but I no longer believe. I have a hard time trying to comprehend how God would allow me to meet someone so vindictive, knowing that I had the complete opposite intentions towards him. I’m now wondering what the point of religion is and why I should continue to follow any of it. I was celibate for years and I’m now having sex several times a day with a very nice man that I’ve been attracted to for over a year not just because I’m attracted to him and we have so much in common, but because I believed having sex with him would help me sever the ties I had to the N. NONE of this is like me, but I feel like God didn’t protect me from this man, I don’t know if I can trust myself anymore, and after several disappointments with men I’m just wondering why God gave me the heart he did if he was just going to keep letting people crush it. I’m starting to feel like I’m better off doing my own thing and equally afraid that I’m at this point.
I just hope someone out here gets this because I really don’t know what to do. I don’t mean to sound like I’m having a pity party and I hope it doesn’t…I’m just so tired…I want him out of my head…I want him out of my heart…I want this to be over…I just wish I could be me again. Can anyone relate to this or help me somehow?
I think I understand your feelings. There are a lot of similarities in my psychopath experience to your experience. The feelings you describe, anger at yourself, difficulty in getting the spath out of your head, etc.; and the questioning about God, who He is and why He allows suffering, are natural and normal reactions to abnormal abusive experience. Betrayal by someone in a relationship that is supposed to be love based results in the worst PTSD. Relationships with spaths don’t have normal closure. Spaths do everything they can to keep us hooked and focused on them, and to harm us and cause pain. It is difficult to shake.
I found answers that work for me in my spiritual and religious understanding, and in my own values. I pray that you will find answers that bring you peace. Jer 29:13
It is natural that you feel righteous anger towards the way your ex spath mistreated you. Anger can be a powerful force for positive change, but it can also lead to bitterness. It sounds like you are recognizing that there may be a conflict between what you really believe and the choices you are making. You may be able to do some soul searching and meditating, and make changes that will help you.
I find it helpful to realize the Heaven is the realm where God regins supreme. Hell is the realm where Lucifer reigns supreme. Earth is the battlefield in between where good and evil both are at work. Just because evil appears dominant in a battle doesn’t mean good has deserted the field. Free will means that you must make the choice to embrace either good or evil. We all have our own parts to play in the battle.
Life is a battle and a struggle, as described by Paul in Ephesians 6:10-18. 2 Corinthians 4:4 tells us that Satan is “god of this age” for now, and that he has “deceived the whole world” Revelation 12:9.
NMW,
Ahh I found this comment.
It’s very good…
Thank you!
Humans have been battling good and evil since the beginnig of time I suppose.
ichoseme,
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain and conflict over this disordered individual.
I hate to keep saying this but the patterns of these creatures are so similar that I am sometimes convinced we are talking about the same person.
Welcome to Lovefraud.
We have all been there and completely understand how you feel.
The thought of finding your soul mate is incredible and the we are going to spend the rest of our lives together, I’m going to take care of you, etc.
Then to discover not only was it all a lie this person did this only for the sheer enjoyment of watching someone suffer.
It’s despicable.
The aftermath is torture and beyond life changing.
I know you feel like you have wasted 4 years but try to look at it like this.
You now know the truth.
He will not change.
This behavior only gets worse so be grateful that you know now and hopefully did not marry or have children with this creature.
We are all here for you!
I am Stronginthecity aka Idontcare!
It has taken me 7 years to finally get to this point and girlfriend I feel your pain.
Holidays to the spath are always made into nightmares instead of Hallmark moments they promised you.
You go ahead and vent.
Nobody will judge you here.
We have all been there and in several stages of recovery.
If you read my story feel free to browse through my nightmare told in many comments here, all of the crazy drama he put me through.
Maybe you will feel better!
Hugs to you,
Stronginthecity
Thank you stronginthecity. I truly appreciate it. I found out about this group from a book I was reading and knowing that there are so many people who understand what I’m dealing with and going through makes me equally feel not so alone and so sad that others have had to endure this kind of hurt. I’m learning I have to lighten up on myself and accept that this will be a process. I want him out of my head like, yesterday…I want to be rid of him in every sense of the word but as we all know, the love we gave to the N was real so I’m going to experience the grief because I was being sincere. Luckily no, I didn’t marry him and we didn’t have children, so I guess the blessing is that I can really move on and not have to see him again for any reason; I’ll just be glad when thoughts of him don’t affect me. Several of my friends believe that I’m going to hear from him again at some point since I took his control away, if for no other reason than to try to suck me back in so he can leave me and feel like he’s back on top. I don’t believe I’ll hear from him again but I also pray if they’re right that I’m strong enough to maintain NC…he seemed to have a knack for coming back at a time where I’m doing my best and feeling my best – smh, it’s almost like he had a crystal ball.
ichoseme,
Way to go sticking to NC! Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like you are taking the right steps to healing. I hear you on wanting him out of your head, like yesterday…:)
Them and the bonds they create with us. I am convinced they can feel us when we are stronger which is why they continue to disrupt our lives. It’s a strange thing. I wonder if they can feel when the bond is finally broken?
I have heard of many survivors noting that the spaths seem to sense the degree of vulnerability in a victim or survivor. I believe in a spirit world and a spiritual dimension behind spath motives and behavior. The Bible says ‘resist the devil and he will flee from you.’ I believe that promise.
Thank you KeepingOn, I appreciate the encouragement. It’s been 47 days. I know that’s not a terribly long time but knowing that he’s blocked from reaching me really does make me feel like I’ve created my own protective shell.
The fog is lifting so fast and while I’m glad to see exactly what was happening, I’m so frustrated with myself for not doing something about this sooner. Looking back, it’s almost like I was in some kind of trance and I’ve never experienced that before. I don’t know how I allowed that to happen and one of my fears is that since I don’t know how I let him do that to me I’ll repeat it. How can I get over this?
IChoseme,
Spaths almost universally use hypnotic techniques to put their victims in a trance like state. There is some good information here:http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/am-i-under-his-spell-part-1
It sounds like you are thinking clearly and working on your recovery. Knowing that spaths exist, what their motives are and how they operate will provide protection against spaths. Learning to recognize the ‘red flags’ and paying attention to your intuition are good defenses. Knowing our vulnerabilities and taking steps to protect ourselves is helpful Spaths are very cunning and they try to take victims by surprise.
Ichoseme,
Wow, 47 days! That’s such an accomplishment. Please don’t discount yourself by saying that’s not long. In the initial days of recovery 47 days is a sign you are on your way to lasting NC!
You felt like you were in a trance because you were! It’s amazing how good at brainwashing they are. I fear it happening again too. I’ve been in a few of these relationships now. The last one he was a trance master.
I’m hoping our awareness of these people will help us to stay clear in the future. We may date another and be fooled at first, although I belive we will be more equipped to see the signs early on. I pray this is the cade because I’m not sure I could handle another relationship like this!
In a way I’m thankful for my ex because he opened my eyes. I can now see that I’ve had several disordered people in my life and can finally heal from past relationships now that I know what they were. Not sure why I didn’t see it in the past and am seeing things clearly now.
Hang in there. The support on here really helps. From what I’ve been told we will get past this! Allow yourself to grieve and continue to educate yourself. This healing stuff is so hard. I wish healing would come sooner! I’m working on being patient.
KittyLover,
Thank you so much. I can hear the concern in your post and I can tell you’ve definitely been through this. It’s been 47 days and while I know that’s not a long time I already feel the fog lifting and I’m not very proud of what I see.
He ended things 4 times in the past 4 years and I was really hoping since I was the one to do it this time, followed by almost immediately blocking him from every way to access me, he would finally leave me alone for good, but no one else thinks I’ve heard the last from him because I took his control away. I guess I need to heed your warning. He’s blocked from my email, all social media and my phone – unfortunately I can’t change the fact that he knows where I live but I took my brother’s advice and changed my locks (he felt there was a chance he made a copy of my key before returning it) and I also live over a hour away from him so my prayer is he wouldn’t travel that far just to stalk me – especially since he never seemed to have a great deal of time to come over when we were ‘together.’ Is that thought process naive of me? Is there something else I should do?
Amen Kitty!
Hugs,
SITC
I’ve been reading everyone’s thoughts today and I realize I might be pretty fortunate right now. First time I’ve felt this way in a long time! I don’t think I need to worry about my ex spath harassing me with unwanted calls and messages because he’s actually afraid of me right now. Before he knew I had a ton of incriminating evidence on him, he was constantly doing all of the things so many of you are dealing with” the calls, texts, emails, unwanted visits” but that all stopped when I sent him a final email where I detailed the information I had and the fact that he needed to stay within certain guidelines or I would expose him to family and authorities (what I have on him is horrifying ”“ involves ’preteen’ pornography). He agreed, although in his response to me, he made certain comments that he knew would push my buttons. He shouldn’t have because that made me decide to get some form of justice, and I’m requiring him to repay me for a couple small things” $400 worth. It’s not at all about the money. It’s the point, and it feels pretty good to force at least one small consequence for his bad actions. Until I went NC several days ago, I had no upper hand in this, but now that I’ve informed him about my intentions, it’s like I’m in control. That feels better than I can describe! But still, I’m so sad and feel hopeless about my own future. I need to work on all of that, but I think now that I’m getting some things under control with him, it’s going to give me a chance to heal and see what the future holds.
I feel so bad for everyone here who feels the need to get new numbers, email addresses, etc. because it’s bad enough that these disordered creeps have done so much damage already, but to keep having that ability to cause problems is beyond disgusting. It’s so awful to have the things in my head that I do because of my ex spath’s deviance, but I can feel grateful that I don’t have to worry about all of the harassment right now.
About the dreams” I wish I could have a dream where I tell him off!! I have dreams every now and then and they’re all about replaying the time period at the beginning when he was so loving and convincing. It’s like getting punched in the stomach having those dreams because it still hurts me so much that it was all a lie. He’s never been capable of loving me because he has no conscience. But those dreams still happen, and I just wish it would change. It means I’m still heartbroken and haven’t truly let that go yet, which is horrible (especially considering what I know now about him). I guess I have good things happening with the NC and making him have at least a small consequence for his actions, but there’s still the issue of my heart being broken. Not good, but it’s truly helping me a lot to see everyone here understands what I’m feeling and it’s amazing to get the validation and advice on how to take steps in the right direction. I’m very relieved and appreciative to have found the LF group!!
Hugs to all!
Gaslit, please please be very careful poking a bear…sociopaths do not like to be controlled or have someone have power over them. You might have put yourself into real danger.
Also if you have any of your conversation with him in email you are exposing yourself possibly as an accessory to a crime at the hands of your ex. I don’t know what the legal protocol is if you find out someone is looking at child porn but you might want to rethink this situation by doing a search on the net or asking a lawyer. What he is doing is a crime & abuse to these children (young teens).
Just think to yourself what you would say to your ex to “tell him off” then say it out loud or write it in a letter this will free your mind up.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi Jan… I have talked to law enforcement about this. He’s already known to them and what I have is actually not real evidence… he just thinks it’s real evidence. Long story! I wrote my story and Donna is going to be posting it, so it’ll explain more of the details of this nasty experience. I wish the evidence was solid, but at this point there’s nothing I can do to turn him in. If there was, he would be sitting in jail. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. I know what you mean about poking a bear… I agree, but felt I had no choice because of the thought that he might actually harm a child. I felt like giving him the idea he’s being watched could at least help keep him under some form of control. It’s dangerous for me, but I felt I had no option. Just the thought of him doing something is too much for me. I honestly don’t think he would do anything with a child, but I thought I knew him and I didn’t, so I can’t be sure.
I do a lot of writing about telling him off. It does help. Journaling has gotten me through a lot of tough times in the past several months. It’s something I need to keep doing.
Thank you for the advice… the criminal aspect of this is disturbing and scary, so I need to keep on my toes. I agree talking to a lawyer is an excellent idea so I’m going to do that! 🙂
Ya…
I’m worried for you. I hope you are taking every precaution to keep yourself safe and aware. Don’t walk alone, look around you, get pepper spray, etc. You hold something over him that threatens his freedom. I’m glad the police have been informed of this, at least.
I also worry on the topic of people on here who advise women to get restraining orders. I did research for a Dept of Health training video on domestic violence … there are so many stories in the news of the abusive ex going to kill the woman just hours after police served him with a R.O. It’s no guarantee of safety, and may provoke them more.
Tread carefully.
I agree with MissFortune about the retraining order. It’s good for some (glad its worked for you Kitty!) and not for others.
I am a victim of stalking and my gut has told me that a RO would be more dangerous. Follow you gut. And document everything.
Read The Gift of Fear. Becker addresses ROs and gut instincts. I recently read it and it has helped guide me.
MissFortune… yes, I’m watching over my shoulder a lot right now. Pepper spray is a great thought!
I was so relieved after he agreed to back off when I told him no more contact and that I would expose him if he tried doing harm to girls. But then I got advice here on LF that woke me up to the reality of threatening a sociopath. I figured I would have the upper hand, but the reality is that I have threatened the freedom of someone who has no conscience. Not smart, but I felt like I had to do something because I couldn’t live with it if he hurts a child.
I’m glad I talked about it here. It has made me more cautious than I would have been without the warnings. I so appreciate everyone for being straightforward with me. I have also contacted a lawyer to try to figure out what avenues I should or shouldn’t take with this because in reality, it’s bigger than me and I can’t deal with it on my own.
I wrote probably 110’s of emails telling my ex psychopath off, and never sent them. Unsent emails became like a journal for me.
Gaslit073168
I am with Jan7 on this one.
If your ex is afraid of you, he’s not likely a sociopath. There’s something else going on.
Sociopaths are not afraid of their victims.
Perhaps he is feigning in order to set you up.
Or his disorder is something else, he might have no empathy but have some other issue, perhaps borderline?
My ex used a pity play with others, pretending to be afraid of me so that they would stick up for such a nice guy… they’d literally attack me, shove me, trip me, tell me off, and he’d watch because my ex LOVED to instigate drama and then watch the fireworks, the pain. He’d laugh so hard, he’d fall down, ridiculing how I looked when they laid into me. My es also used his “victimhood” to set me up so that others could relate a history of my so called abuse of him… so that when I was murdered, he’d had an excuse… self defense from the mentally unstable wife. Fortunately by a fluke of luck, I got away. And later my therapist looked at my journals and noted that they were a type of evidence of what was being done to me, and my state of mind (I was not violent, I abhor violence, I just wanted the abuse to stop.) She has kindly stored my journals so if anything happened to me, it was not going to be an open/shut case.
Jan7 is right. Don’t poke the bear.
Even if he is borderline and afraid of you, he’s unpredictable and may lash out. The advice is to get free of him, so you can live your own goodness, dignity, and honor.
Notwhathesaidofme,
I had that same reaction.
Your story is terrifying.
You are very brave to be able to talk about it.
I agree, they are terribly unpredictable.
I would never dream of trying to make any type of ultimatum with him.
It would have terrible consequences.
I think thats part of the reason I remained in contact with him , but now know that I have to stop.
He will find another victim or recycle one of his old ones.
He can be charming to a woman who does not know him.
Towards the end I stopped feeding his ego and he did not like that at all.
I’m sure if he gets through to my phone again, the voice mails will not be “babe” and I miss you but that I am a crazy bitch or that he has met someone else that loves him.
I don’t care…
I am so looking forward to starting my therapy…
I am spending a lot of time alone but that’s ok.
I am really enjoying the peace and quiet.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
He’s definitely a sociopath. He has every possible red flag and once I realized it, the fact that I should have known all along was overwhelming. I have a master’s degree in psychology, and that just makes it so much worse for me. I should have seen it but I dismissed so much! I’ve never been a naïve person, but I believed everything until I just couldn’t dismiss it anymore.
It’s not that he’s afraid of me. He’s afraid of going to prison, which is possible because he’s already a level 1 sex offender with felonies (the same crime from 15 years ago) and he now believes when I found his files (because I made him open the files when I stood right behind him) that I was recording over his shoulder and he was very boldly confessing things to me at the time, saying there was nothing that could be done because he’s covering everything (such as his searches) by using the “deep web” and other features to help him hide. I told him later that day that I had recorded the whole thing on my phone and he was not so bold about it after that. So I’m using a total lie with him… I didn’t record anything. It’s not what I would recommend to anyone because it could very easily become a dangerous situation for me, but I truly felt I had to do something.
I totally agree getting away from him is the only good option. It’s just become so complicated with this issue. Now I feel like I’m looking over my shoulder a lot, so that seems to be my trade off for not getting the calls or messages now. It’s a scary situation, but I can’t imagine if he was to do something to a child… I wouldn’t be able to live with that if I did nothing to try to stop him.
It never worked for me to lower myself to the level of the spath by lying. I lost the power of good and it always backfired on me.
Is there a legal reason a recording is needed? Would your testimony as a credible witness about what he said and showed you be enough?
Annette… good point about lowering yourself to their level by lying. I’m just hoping it doesn’t backfire on me that I said I had evidence even though I don’t.
From what I was told by law enforcement, my word means nothing even though I have no criminal record or anything that puts my character in question. I’m still “the ex” and that makes me the bitter angry one who just wants to get revenge. I guess they say it’s always the way they have to look at the ex because the bias factor is too strong. And without evidence, I can’t prove anything. In this type of case, it needs to be proven. Unfortunately.
Gaslit,
That makes sense, that there needs to be stronger evidence for the charges to hold up in court. I was asked about what evidence I had, and also if I could gather evidence. I considered allowing him back in my home and getting some proof, but because of several factors I didn’t allow him back in the house.
I also am concerned about the harm he may do or may have done to children, and what my responsibility was to prevent it.
It took me a long time to recognize that my ex psychopath could have done just about anything that I didn’t know about. Every time I discovered something horrible about him, I assumed without really considering it, that it was the worst there was. I eventually realized that he could have done anything, and if he hasn’t been caught no one knows. I don’t think that he necessarily has done anything horrible, but I have absolutely no way of knowing. He could have murdered someone; nothing would surprise me.
Annette…. that’s exactly how I’m feeling, that I have no clue what he’s capable of. It could be anything. That’s the scary part right now.
I was asked by the police to gather physical evidence too. Glad you didn’t let him back in when you were asked. I think about going back to the apartment where I lived with him and it makes me feel sick. I really feel for you that you know how terrible that feeling is of wondering about your responsibility if he hurts any children. That feeling is so ugly! And it’s not fair.
In general ‘spaths’ fear being exposed, which, results in them being potentially dangerous to whomever might expose them.
My ex psychopath was constantly playing the ‘I’m afraid of you’ lying game. He also used to say his problem was that he’s a ‘people-pleaser.’ It makes me angry just thinking about it, and the hours I spent explaining over and over that if he was a people pleaser he would be choosing to do the things that he knows please me, not the things he knows harm me, etc. etc. etc.
They are so infuriatingly evil.
Anette,
Yes mine was a people pleaser or a care taker as well.
Never saw what he was talking about.
I like what you said yesterday about good and evil, and just because we see more evil doesn’t mean it won. Something like that.
Thank you!
I think that post was by NoMoreWool; I liked it too.
Gaslit,
Congrats on the no contact! Keep it up.
Regarding the porn, teen porn issues..OMG I always feel like we are talking about the same person…
It’s so disgusting. How did you find it?
I am really surprised he has agreed to it.
Mime acts like he is invincible. Unbelievable.
I have my phone blocked like fort Knox and I feel strong enough now that even if he does contact me that I will not go back.
All talk. Blah blah blah…
Just the thought of listening to his stupid stories now makes me sick to my stomach.
The pity plays I fell for and all of the other crazy nonsense and drama.
It was all so tiring. He loved to keep me exhausted so that I would not have energy to question him.
When he did he would call me crazy….you know the usual sociopath BS.
I am happy that you were able to get some control back, feels good right!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Thanks Strong… it’s been hard getting to the point of NC. I’m relieved!
Yes, they all do seem like the same guy!! I sent my story to Donna and she’ll be posting it at some point, so the details will help with understanding what happened. It’s fairly complicated and disturbing. I’m not too surprised he agreed to it because of the reality that he could go to prison for what he believes I have evidence of. Hard to explain without going into the whole story. He definitely knows he needs to be careful with me right now because he doesn’t know if I’ll turn him in or not.
I get it about being called crazy when you questioned him. My ex spath did that to me any time I even slightly questioned what he was telling me. The sympathy plays were rough, and I’m so glad I don’t have to listen to that anymore. It does feel good to get some control of my own life back! Now just need to build on that and let the drama die down, hopefully without anything scary happening. It’s a fear, but I need to try to find some peace with all of it.
Gaslit,
My spath experience has some similarities to yours; the ex psychopath was into cross dressing and porn, including child porn. I don’t think my victimization was as bad as many others. I covered my responsibility by reporting him to NCMEC’s CyberTipline, who put me in touch with local law enforcement. I recognized that he will never be investigated because the limited resources are used to go after those who create and distribute, not those who merely use it.
My ex psychopath didn’t chase after me and phone stalk me; he discarded me. I let him think that I was still pining away for him because, for a number of reasons, it made him less dangerous to me.
I never lose sight of the fact that my ex P perceives he would be better off financially and socially if I were dead; and I am careful to keep myself safe. It is likely that the world’s spaths get away with murder many more times than they are caught.
You might consider that spaths do not have any restraints on their behavior besides the possibility of getting caught. They can lie and they don’t care if they harm others to get what they want. Most are sadists and enjoy the power and control they feel when they make others suffer. What they want also includes exploiting others for things like sex, money, status, and the convenience of living off others. Being exposed is about the only fear that spaths have.
It’s possible your ex spath will seek to neutralize your threat to expose him by discrediting you to others. If he anticipates what you might tell his family and friends, he may tell lies about you that will make you look like the crazy one when you expose him. Also consider that anything he told you about his friends and family may not be true. Unless you corroborate what he says with a reliable source, you may not have a true picture of his friends and family.
I don’t know your situation, and these dangers may not apply to your situation. In my experience, the depravity and the lengths to which spaths will go to get what they want, have no limit.
Your broken heart at his betrayal and lies to you is natural. You are normal and capable of love, and you bonded to the person he said he was. Spaths don’t bond and they can change whom they’re faking loving on a dime. You have experienced a real loss and normal people need to grieve the loss which takes time; it’s not possible to turn your emotions off as soon as you learned that he’s evil. I was widowed to a marriage to a good man before I met my ex psychopath, and no one expected me to stop loving and missing my late husband immediately because I knew he was dead.
You sound like you’re doing a good job of recovering from a painful and harmful experience.
I’m so mad at myself right now. Especially because I’m mad at myself. And because I care.
I cleaned my house all day. I mean on the ground scrubbing. Riding him of my life. Cleansing my space. It felt so good.
I ordered food and when I picked it up I ran into the wife of a good friend of his. She was surprised to see me. Did a double take and smiled. Her greetings used to be so warm. We had small chat. I looked like crap from cleaning all day.
She asked what I’d been up to. I said I’ve been pretty boring, cleaned today, blah blah blah. I rambled a bit. She of course had a mouth full of food. I said I’d let her eat and walked away. I didn’t even say goodbye. So not like me. I didn’t know how to handle myself.
Why did I day I’ve been boring? I actually haven’t been. I’ve been taking care of myself and surrounding myself with good people. Why should it even matter what I said? Why should it matter how I looked? Why should I even care? So what if he tells her I looked bad and acted strange? Maybe she’s not even thinking that. Why does it matter to me what she thinks or what he hears? He shouldn’t matter.
So now I’m in my cleansed house, not yet eating my good food because in e lost my appetite. I feel sad and pathetic.
KeepingOn
It’s been a few days since your post so I hope you see this. You prolly got through this day and process some about it.
I just want you to notice a TRUTH here. MY ex messed with my head so badly that seeking TRUTH was my best path, it sure helped me to discern crap from reality.
The TRUTH is, you may not realize it but your higher power, your subconscience, your guardian angel… whatever name you give your protective agent… did something very nice for you.
BORING is exactly what you want to be around a sociopath and his minions. It’s the report you want to go back to him.
You ask WHY did you say that? I say, whoo whoo, GOOD GOING for this. You did the BEST thing at the moment, even if you didn’t realize it.
Here’s the thinking: Sociopaths will give you a little breathing room if they think you boring. There’s no drama for them to feed off. A piece of ADVICE. NEVER let them know you are healing or taking care of yourself. Any goodness will draw them back to slash at your well being. They WANT your destruction. If you told her you were doing well, taking care of yourself, she’d have told him and he’d have gone into EVIL mode. Don’t give them that kind of ammo.
I’m sorry you feel bad, but try to see the truth of it. You didn’t hand the minion any ammo for the sociopath to seek out and destroy. You are NOT sad and pathetic. You were amazing. It’s a type of victory… no matter how it comes, from you or your protective angel. That’s STRENGTH, and empowerment. GO that path! In a short time, you won’t care what he thinks. You will just dismiss him as evil and no one cares what an EVIL one thinks.
~NWHSOM, seeing saving grace in small moments = the path to recovery
Notwhat,
Thank you for posting this. I love your outlook. I wouldn’t have considered me saying I was boring was a gift in disguise.
I do find it interesting that my response was so not like me. It makes sense to me that I was guided. Thanks higher power! And thank you for pointing that out!
I hope me being boring pays off. I find it interesting though because some strange stalking sort of things happened the following day and then that night. I’d prefer not to go into detail. There could be alternative explanations so I am trying to follow my gut. Not sure about my gut reactions sometimes though. What I do know is that my initial reaction that night was a spike of intense fear until I considered other explanations for what happened. So who knows. If things happen again I’ll know for sure.
Good news is that I’ve been very social this weekend and have had a great time! It hit me this morning that I haven’t been constantly thinking about my ex. I didn’t even think about him Friday night. And I am finding more mornings are happening that I don’t think about him right away when I wake up. I feel like this is a start of better days to come!