Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Remembertoforget
KeepinOn,
BANG! You got triggered.
Been happening over here as well. Actually had a rough one, strangely.
Let the feelings come, breathe, say it’s ok to feel this way, then exhale….
It’s all part of our healing.
Anger, disappointment, all of it.
Yaay to de-spathing your house!!
This to shall pass.
xoxooo
KeepingOn
Remember,
Your message is just what I needed!
Damn those BANGs!!!! I so badly want to be healed already.
I go through life everyday trying to allow myself to feel, heal and breathe. I’m give myself time. I use coping techniques. I go to therapy and surround myself with good people. I work on my schedule and am respecting my boinderies for the first time in my life.
So why am I still finding myself triggered so easily? I feel like acting like a 5 yr old and stomping around my house screaming “Whyyyyy?!” I may just do that. Bright side, my floors are squeaky clean so I can pound away in bare feet and roll around screaming on the floor and feel good about it!!
What happened today that was so rough? You holding up okay?
stronginthecity
Keepingon,
It will get better.
I promise.
We will work through this together!
Good job cleaning your place if the evil.
who cares about what that woman thought.
Take care of you right now.
If she tells your sociopath about you don’t worry.
He is insignificant right now.
It’s all about you.
Please eat and take care of you.
Hugs to you
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget
KO,
Oh just had a long dream about him last night a bad dream, and woke up mad. Very emotional anger today, I think it’s hormonal related, of course that makes stuff worse.
Been dealing with a bunch of annoying health ins stuff too. I almost lost my marbles for a minute, but thought about it and controlled it, like a big girl. Loll.
Plus his bday n that weird text. My bday is Sunday.
I’m calm now. I now have a negative angry journal, don’t use as much anymire, and a grateful happy one. Lol.
We are still healing. I guess it takes as long as it takes, ya know?
Gotta keep on keepin on!!!!!!
KeepingOn
Remember,
I read you had a dream earlier today. Those hit me harder than running into people.
What kind of health stuff? You deserve better. Thanks to your path for his toxicity! It’s so unfortunate we fell for these disordered.
Sorry if you’ve talked about your health problems on here and I’ve missed it. Been scaterred.
I’m tired of the negative outlets too although I still need those tools to release my anger. To balance I made a God box last week. I put in questions, prayers and grateful thoughts.
Keep on keepin on!!!
KeepingOn
Remember,
I also have an anniversary of this week. It’s made me on edge. I keep looking over my shoulder. God knows what may or may not happen. I know your feeling.
So happy you get to celebrate your day of birth without him!
Remembertoforget
Ha! KO, yea, anniversary dates, ugh. Bang! Triggers.
Of course I won’t get an odd random text on my Birthday, only on his! Hahaaaa who does that?!
We will get there, the other side of the tunnel.
KeepingOn
Remember,
So grateful it’s insurance and not health stuff. Still such a pain to deal with.
Of course you won’t hear from him on your bday! It’s all about him. Although I wouldn’t put it past him. Jackass.
I’m going to watch a movie and finally eat.
Thanks for being here for me tonight!
stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
How are you doing?
Happy early bday!
I hope you feel better and enjoy YOUR special day as we know if the disordered one was there it would be sabotaged.
Mine planned for 6 months to ruin mine and guess who’s fault that was..well mine….
I hope you are writing in your grateful happy journal.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget
KO,
No, no health stuff, just health insurance crap!!! Lol
I go through the Marketplace and my insurance co isn’t that great. I screwed up then they did. Last year I had a better easier plan!
Remembertoforget
KO,
Anytime!
Enjoy your movie!
xoxo
Remembertoforget
Yes maam,
After he left I saged everything he touched, and re-arranged my whole place lil by little!
Open a window though so it can go out, then spray something sweet, anything you like.
stronginthecity
Kitty and Remember,
I have done this too!
I have a beautiful sage bush in my garden that comes back every year!
It’s a beautiful night here windows open no air conditioning required and I can’t sleep.
Think I’ll cut me some!
Stronginthecity
Gaslit073168
Had another thought about my situation tonight (yes, I’m definitely obsessing about it!!!) and wanted to ask for some thoughts…
About him accepting the no contact thing based on me threatening him, I was thinking he is so afraid of exposure for his actions that maybe he’s just cutting his losses. He seems to know it’s beyond the point of being able to use me again, and he definitely believes it’s at least likely that I have the evidence I said I have against him (even though I don’t). He’s very smart, so he may realize steering clear of me is his best option. That way he doesn’t need to fear exposure. And he also believes I’ll be back anyway without him needing to reach out first (because he’s also a narcissist).
I might just be trying to find a way to not be afraid that he’s plotting some kind of revenge for having the nerve to try to stop his nastiness. I’m so good at over-thinking everything with him now. It reminds me of when he would stonewall me… if I needed to discuss something that was going on with us, he would become totally silent, no matter what I said, and it could go on for hours. I would get more and more distraught, and he would stay silent, watching me make a fool out of myself trying to get him to care and talk to me. Now ironically I’m the one saying no contact, and he’s staying silent, but it’s making me wonder what’s really going on in his head.
So here I am rambling. Sorry about that everyone! I guess like always I’m trying to get answers about him and there might simply not be any answers to find.
stronginthecity
Gaslit,
I will be back here tomorrow after I clean out my garden and make my sage sticks!
Love to chat.
Will you be on tomorrow during the day?
We can trade battle scars
Hugs and have a wonderful evening.
Xoxox
SITC
Gaslit073168
Thanks Strong… I should be here in late afternoon. Would love to chat with you. Trading battle scars sounds like big fun! 🙂 Have a great night!
xoxo
stronginthecity
Gaslit,
I missed an entire day on here yesterday.
I vowed to clean out my garden and it took an entire day!
I can’t believe it’s mid July and it’s the first time I even weeded.
I apologized to my beautiful perennials that I planted when I first bought the house.
Back when I was still me.
My beautiful flowers were being strangled by vicious weeds.
How fitting. Just had to do it!
I also had a horrible nightmare the night before about RATS…UGH…
It was terrifying. The rats were everywhere, live ones and dead ones. Every box, drawer my purse RATS…
I of coarse use Dr. Google to look up the meaning and spot on.
Good thing I have my(first) therapy appointment today!
How are you doing?
I have to read through the posts to catch up.
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Gaslit073168
Hi Strong! Glad you got your garden taken care of… it’s therapeutic to work in gardens, so good for you!!
I think the rats are representing sociopaths… or maybe I’m just obsessive with thinking about them and the idea of rats fits really well 😉
Wishing you a very productive appointment today with your therapist. It will be good to talk to someone face to face and come up with a plan on how to get rid of the panic attacks and all the negative crap you’ve had to deal with because of someone else’s mental illness! I need to find a therapist too… I really think it’s necessary for me at this point.
🙂
KeepingOn
Gaslit,
He’s a spath, which means he’s always plotting. They will never give you what you want. In fact they will go above and beyond to make sure you don’t get what you want. You are right to be questioning. It seems he let you off the hook too easy. In my experiences this means to expect the unexpected.
I’ve been with a few soaths now. I find the covert the creepiest because they will give good face but you will never know what’s coming.
Is your ex a covert kind of guy?
I don’t mean to scare you. I would love to give you confirmation and say everything will be okay.
In your case, you telling him to back off and he agrees…it just seems too easy. Almost like how a normal person would respect boinderies. You know he’s not normal so take everything he says as a grain of salt.
When did you write the email to him? I remember reading about it here to today or within the past couple of days. You may want to give it time.
Disordered people are rarely done. And if he suspects you suspect him he will most likely smear you or contact you to try and convince you you’re crazy. Most likely both.
If he contacts you, he will be baiting. Stay NC!
Xxxxxx
KeepingOn
One more thing, you are questioning his lack of response which means your gut is speaking to you. Regardless of what I say or any other opinions on here, YOUR gut is the most important. Listen to what it’s telling you!
Gaslit073168
KeepingOn…. I think you’re right that I was way too quick to believe he would just say ok and have that be it. Again, giving him way too much credit for reacting the way a normal person would. I’m feeling a lot less confident about it now, and that’s not just because of the advice I’ve gotten here (which has been so important to me!!). I am also listening to my gut on this. If I have learned nothing else, this has to be the most important thing.
So, here’s the latest question I’m asking myself… I intend to stay NC. But if he contacts me, will I just be antagonizing him and making him feel desperate and out of control? Would I potentially be setting myself up for something even more dangerous? If this is the case, I’m in a no win situation. I don’t plan to talk to him, but I’m also worried about what that will do to his need for control. I have no clue how he’ll react to me ignoring him.
Yes, covert is a very good word for him. He has had to be covert to get away with what he’s done with the preteen porn all these years. He’s a pro at diverting attention and doing things under the radar. And I agree with you, that’s very creepy. I think about the look he gets… the eyes, the smirk – creepy is an understatement. I used to see it as a part of his ‘sadness’, the depression he claims to feel (which I now don’t believe exists – he has no real feelings), I thought it was all just him in a silent thoughtful frame of mind. Now I see it more as plotting and scheming.
It’s been exactly a week since I sent the NC email to him. The email I sent him saying he needed to pay me for a few of his malicious actions that were financial was 3 days ago. I have heard nothing since that day. It’s been great to be at this point of no contact, but I’m also getting more nervous. Ugh.
Thanks so much for your advice with all of this. It means a lot to me!
🙂
KeepingOn
Gaslit,
I’m so happy to hear you’re trusting your gut! That was a hard process for me in the beginning stages, which I still find myself cycling back to from time to time.
Regardless if he contacts you stay NC!!! He will only bait you more and you will never get any outcome you desire. I understand your fear. My ex is stalking me (I didnt realize the full extent until recently) and I’ve taken pretty extreme security measures.
My ex knows that I know he’s disordered. I was in fear that if I didn’t respond he would retaliate or harm me. What I learned is that it didn’t matter if I kept contact or not. Turns out he was stalking me almost the entire time we were together. And he has smeared me along the way.
It doesn’t matter what you do or say. He’s going to do whatever he’s going to do regardless. So the most important thing to do is focus on you and have a safety plan. Meaning look at his behavior patterns. Also try and think of possible situations, like him showing up and how you would handle it (hopefully call the police and not speak to him).
These people are dangerous. Your ex fits into this category in my opinion. Expect the unexpexted while trying to better your life. I’ve found it’s a difficult balance.
After reading your story I related so much to how you would notice his creepy looks and how he’d cover them up by blowing a kiss (so creepy). Mine showed me glimpses as well. His looks could be scary. Sometimes he’d have a mischievous smile, sometimes I could see the malice and hatred in his eyes. And then POOF he was loving man a second later, like the look he just had never existed. I chose to ignore what I was seeing. I lied to myself a lot, like you. I will pay attention from now on. It’s too high a price not to.
I have a lot of experiences in the field of behavior and was spoofed too. I wonder if we were more fun for them?
Gaslit073168
KeepingOn… good thought with us being more fun for them. It makes sense. They love to feel smarter than everyone else and if they can fool people who have experience with psych disorders, then in their twisted mind, that makes them extra good at their game. So sick!!
You’re right, staying NC is the only way to go with this. He is likely to bait me like you said, and I can’t do anything about it except not give him what he’s after, which is that feeling of being in control of me.
That whole blowing the kiss thing has really creeped me out since realizing it was his way of trying to keep me from knowing his true nature. Really awful to imagine those expressions and that split second of realization that he was looking at me with his ‘real’ eyes, then blowing the kiss. Yuck, so horrible. It’s amazing how similar our ex spaths are… those glimpses of who they really are and then the quick change to ‘love’.
NoMoreWool
I think you have hit the nail on the head. The sociopath delighted in attacking me in ways that would undermine the strongest parts of my Self. So for someone who was strong in Psychology, the duper’s delight is much greater than fooling a “regular” person as to how messed up the sociopath really is.
NoMoreWool
If he is covert, he may be trying to turn the tables on you and setting you up to take the fall for his transgressions. Be super careful. If you don’t see any signs of him, he has just gone underground. He may spoof you to set you up for some sort of criminal activity. It is the kind of revenge these types would get a real laugh out of.
Gaslit073168
NoMoreWool… it’s a scary thought, but you’re right. I need to be aware that this is very possible. He’s definitely the covert type and I wouldn’t doubt him doing anything at this point. I thought I knew him and I wasn’t even close to seeing who he is. All I really know now is that he’s tremendously devious and has done malicious things directed at me. I agree with you that I need to be very careful.
I’m talking to a lawyer on Monday for a consultation, so I’m happy about that!
stronginthecity
NoMoreWool,
Dupers delight…they know exactly what they are doing and love to make you feel crazy and turn it all around on you.
I remember when I was on FB(not on anymore) I saw a comment on his brothers page boasting about him and his crazy brothers.
It said something to the effect of We are the blah blah brothers. We screw with women heads, laugh when they cry and blame it all on them…
I know, sick shit.
I told the sociopath about it..no comment from him.
The comment was removed the next day.
He is sick and twisted too and actually called me when the spath and I were apart and said that I should go out with him instead…this was after he tried to convince me that spath had changed…
They are all crazy!
UGH,,,,
Lord help us stay strong!
Stronginthecity
Gaslit073168
Go for it Kittylover!
I’ve heard people swear by saging. Never done it myself, but I say do whatever feels right to get those negative energies out. 🙂
Remembertoforget
Strong,
A sage bush how cool, a night without a.c needed, even cooler!!!
Night!
xoxooo
stronginthecity
I guess you have to dry it!
That’s my mission tomorrow.
I’m cleaning ny garden and making homemade sage sticks.
Great idea kitty!
stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
Yes a beautiful night m
it dropped 20 degrees and my sage bush is in full bloom.
I wish I could send some to everyone.
I’m cleaning the weeds tomorrow and will dry lots of sage.
I have been cleaning bit by bit too.
I really want to get rid of my mattress as I feel it’s part of my back pain and my emotional pain.
Master card!
I love the idea of changing the furniture around too.
SITC