Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
This is an update and more to come. I am in the discarded phase again.
This time I know it was planned.
My birthday….
Christmas day was a basket of mixed emotions.I received a beautiful engagement ring and he was still in the gas lighting phase, again.
Of coarse he could not come to my family’s house as my daughter in particular would not allow him in her house nor did she know that we were “back together”. He happily laid on the couch for the day watching TV, one of his favorite past times.
The day after Christmas, while he was taking his afternoon nap(lazy), I decided to log into FB, which I rarely do I was surprised to see a message from his ex-wife…wishing me Happy Holidays… oh boy, here comes the drama. I do not communicate with her but she chose Christmas to send me a message. I responded that I did not wish to communicate with her and told her that I did receive a ring from him for Christmas, and knew it was wrong but hit the send button anyway.
When he woke from his much needed nap I told him about it and he said that he didn’t care if I posted pictures of us and the ring on FB.
An hour later I receive a call from his son…she had forwarded the message to him and I received a verbally harassing voice mail..”stay away from my family, tell my dad not to call me”. Keep in mind that I have never met his 20 something year old sons. A series of phone calls later to his son, ex wife etc started. I told him I was sorry for sending that message. I truly was because I knew it was wrong.
I was starting to behave like him and I hated myself for it.
Days went on and “the ring” that I proudly wore was never talked about. It was strange.
Why did he buy me this ring and put it on my finger? Finally I asked him. He said “because I wanted to show you that I love you”.
I accepted that. I wanted to be in that love phase that I am so addicted to. He was being perfect again. In the back of my mind I knew it would be short lived before the lies and nonsense would start again.
My birthday was coming up soon and I somehow could feel that something bad was about to happen but rolled with it.
I told him that I just wanted to go to dinner for my birthday because I knew the ring was expensive.
We had a perfect weekend, went to a great restaurant and had a fabulous time enjoying being a couple out and about as most of our weekends were spent having sex…and ignoring our friends and family.
It was too good to be true, could he have REALLY changed? He was divorced, was working and he gave me that beautiful ring. He told me while he was away visiting his children he had a lot of time to think and that he missed me so much, that he could not imagine his life without me in it. Everything I wanted to hear, again.
I believed it.
Backtrack to his birthday…it was midsummer and I had a small party for him. We had a great evening and next day went I treated him to a pedicure. While I was waiting for him to finish we talked about his upcoming final divorce and he asked me to look it up on my phone, he couldn’t remember the time. My phone battery was dead and I asked to use his phone which he claimed never used to go on the internet. He claimed that he despises the internet and wanted nothing to do with email, FB.
I opened up the browser and there it was…porn…not just porn but child porn, multiple site were open and I immediately was sick to my stomach. I took a deep breath and went to the site to look up the court time. We were in a public place. I remained silent while we drove back to my place. I confronted him. I told him I was disgusted and at first he tried to blame it on his friend, his friend was the one that was looking at it on his phone. Then he started crying like he usually does and admitted that he was a sick #$%^ and needed some help. He claimed the sites he visited were girls that were 18 and over but dressed up to look like younger girls. One excuse after another. We sat there for several hours and I went back and forth listening to his excuses. He tried to tell me there is nothing wrong with it and back and forth. He went to the bathroom and I took his phone and left. I went through his phone and really found nothing..(he had already deleted everything while I ran to the store) but when I returned he sat there with the “Im busted” look on his face. I gave him back his phone and he took it and smashed it. He left my house on his birthday crying, sobbing blaming me. We did not talk for awhile and again this was swept under the rug just as all of the other things had. I knew that he would somehow use this later to get back at me.
My birthday 2015, six months after this phone craziness, back with him again…after the ring, after promises of moving in together after months of lies that I couldn’t prove..it was about to blow up in my face. The day of my birthday I was off work. I told him 3 times over the weekend that I needed the entire day to take care of bills, paperwork, etc. He said he understood. Instead of going to work in the morning he decided to call in sick and spend the day with me…even though I told him I would be busy the entire day. He tried to crawl back in bed with me and I sent him off on errands so that I could take care of my paperwork…he did finally leave but proceeded to call me 7 to 8 times while he was gone for about 3 hours.
I got nothing done and I saw the delight on his face when he returned and I was clearly upset. He started making comments about his phone, he needed to get his glasses so that he could better see the porn on his phone. Mind you,that happened over 6 months ago and never talked about again, until MY birthday. I was still trying to finish up some work and he decided he was going to make me a birthday cake, banging around the kitchen making noise distracting me and taking pure evil delight in it.
Needless to say a fight, packed his things and left me again. I was to blame. He couldn’t understand why I could not get my things done and was irresponsible, I did not love him, he was never going to be good enough on and on.
Its been almost 2 months….I have been discarded with evil vengeance.
The text messages started again this week, changing my phone # does not help…
He was testing me after I have NOT reached out to him at all.
It has become REALLY predictable at this point.
He messages me about one of his many medical problems. I dont respond.
He tugs on my heart strings about going to the emergency room, he says, “oh, I thought you cared”.
It starts that way to get me to respond and then he starts with the,”you don’t miss me at all” texts.
It will then go to sex. He will remind me how great he is in bed and how he can make me feel better.
When I don’t respond he gives up.(I have given in before with the sex, It’s like breaking an addiction). I just want to fell normal again for a day or two.
I had a memory pop into my head this morning.
We were out to lunch, months after I found the porn on his phone.
He kept glancing at another table while we were eating. He had NEVER done that before. He always had all eyes on me anytime we went anywhere.
I ignored the urge to turn around to see who he was looking at. I waited until we finished eating to put on my coat..I was thinking it must be a really beautiful girl or someone he knew, right???
WRONG, it was a VERY young girl. Maybe 11 years old. He was giving her that look. The one that he used t give me. The little girl was smiling right back at him….makes me sick to my stomach just to think about it.
Please mothers of young children, watch who you let into your lives.
There are sick predators out there just waiting to move in and help single overwhelmed mommy.
Luckily I do not have small children around because this is so messed up.
My mind is wondering why do almost all of his close friend have small kids and he is 50????
YUCK
Blocking advice…text block followed by his # to 9999.
Text messages are completely wiped, never to be seen.
I am not changing my # again.
This is great especially in the beginning of NC because there is nothing sent to spam to even delete.
PLEASE READ!!!
I am replying to my own post because I want you all to read this.
Especially the younger women with small children.
I actually tucked this one away in my own head because its so disturbing.
Please read my post March 14, 2015 at 5:07 pm.
For the women with small children.
How on earth did I block this out??
The day that he was making up stories about meeting the biggest sociopath ever, his mother.
She was in town and he was desperately gaslighting my meeting her.
Read the above post to the end, the part about the young girl at the restaurant.
Of all the things he did, I forget about this???
You have to get up the courage to end it once and for all… If you don’t do it now and you marry him…he will ruin you!!! All these men do is take, take, take, until he has your mind and soul spinning in confusion… you already know he is lying to you, cheating on you… does that sound like love!! NO IT DOES NOT..Do not answer his calls If he comes by tell him you are in a committed relationship with someone else..so we will move on to his next victim. All you are to him is money & sex!! I should know the same thing happened to me too..
Soundra
Thank you for taking the time to read my crazy story, believe me this is just a snippet of the nonsense and if yo have been in it you know what I mean.
Writing about it made me feel better and everyday that I am away from him just gets better and better.
I did not marry him or let him move into MY house.
I found my voice and it says NO!
Thank you Soundra for the advice.
I need to hear more!
Hi Strong…. Hi Everyone….
I am reaching out with tears so thick I can hardly see the computer.
Please help keep me strong.
HOW CAN THEIR BE SUCH CRUEL…. COLD HEARTED PEOPLE IN THE WORLD?
why me? a trauma survivor already… and with anorexia and depression that almost took my life aug. 2013….
I never had kids. I gave up a good husband many many years ago.
I am alone.
People teling me all day how talented and loving and giving I am.
Oh yeah? then why I am a lone at 45 with a little apartment and a cat?
how could someone look me in the eye… have sex… cry with me… hold me… and all the while LIE…. b/c he needed me to think he was for real… b/c he lost his apartment and car.. even tho he is a fireman.
You guys…. HE IS REALLY EVIL. Not sick. Not weird. But actual evil.
I am sooooo angry at myself. that does not help when depressed…. for depression is anger turned inward.
I feel as if i want to die right now.
No…. I will not kill myself. If a broken heart can kill me…. I will die however.
I have lost someone who I thought was my best friend.
laughed every day.
NOW I HATE HIM.
that is insane.
i helped take care of his kids.. got them bday presents cuz he said he did not have the money. i tried to make it look like he gave them to the kids.
he has not paid rent since oct.
or any bills.
but….
he had me believing we were going to be forever together and that we were partners and would tell me that partners help the other when they are down and out and that he would cover for me when he got another job…and for the rest of my life.
HOW SICK IS IT THAT I AM CRYING OVER A MAN WHO NEVER EXISTED???????
worse than death. much much worse. death of him woul not have been my fault. people would support and love me. IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN INTENTIONAL… TARGET…. LOVE….TAKE…. LIE… LEAVE…
AND THEN BLAME THE VICTIM.
HE TOLD ME I PUSHED HIM INTO CHEATIN ON ME?
BY WHAT??/ COVERING ALL HIS BILLS? although I make very little?
by letting him live rent… and bill free? cooking… massages? loving… meeting my family….sex… my body.
I feel no hope right ow…. and sometimes I want one of you to throw me down a life vest to hold on to. I cant sink. I have my music…. and talent…. and brains….and my aging parents love me to death and have seen me almost die… and adopted me.
I have too much love to give seniors, kids, animals…
I just thought Jerry…. was going to be at my side. we were going to have our own little place. Id hlep take care of his kids. we were looking into getting a dog. talking honeymoom.
His mind is disorderd. I have witnessed such pure evil… that I feel as if I have been hit by a truck.
so… since this dude is soooo evil….
why am I have such a hard time letting go and saying god ridance?
THAT MAKES NO DAMNED SENSE. No. Wake up megan…. you are afraid to let go of the fantasy he created….
what you are really getting rid of is a lying conartist… serial seducer…. freeloading, lying, narcissistic, manipultive.. cold hearted parasite who will such the life out of anyone woman with who he is involved.
I wish god could to thi al for me . th nc. the not panicking cuz he’s gone. I feel like I cant do it alone.
the man who held me every night for almost a year… is GONE……
and blames it on me. and gets angered when i want to discuss things.
Lord.. release me of this please.
love to all of you.sory to ramble. I m half asleep.
Kittylover…please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the USA 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor…they WILL be able to help you…that is what they do…they help victims through their emotional pain.
YOU have to reach out for help hon, you have to follow the NO CONTACT RULE these are the way you find peace and calmness. We can only help you so much here but the hotline can help you even more as they are trained in these matters. ALso go to your local abuse center for free counseling and free women group meetings.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE…keep reaching out for help tonight!!
(if you are not in the USA then google your countries name with the words National domestic abuse hotline_
Jan7… I fell asleep as I posted last night, but… at some point during my crazy busy day. I will call.
I did not know they would help me emotionally.
again… he will not hit me… he is a fireman and will lose his job.. Instead he is stabbing me behind my back.
I have woken up with the worst headache ever… but from clenching my teeth… even while wearing my 1,555 dollar bite guard. My head is pounding.. how much pain and stress am I in?
i work with nurses.. and yesterday they told me to jump on their big scale cuz I look really thin. I am eating the same… but losing weight from this… it is almost as if my body is displaying just how much I am dying inside.
he texted me.. he is sorry. He loves me. he was scared cuz I kept threatening to kick him out.
wow… he was not scared enough to have me pay for everything including his car tags… he did this all under the guise f a forever/life parterneership.. making me think hed’ pay me back… pay rent when he recovers his second job… be there for me..
IT WAS ALL A LIE.
He told an exgfriend that I HAVE TRUST ISSUES and that I did crazy things cuz I was so paranoid that he would cheat and he just could not take it anymore!
I WAS RIGHT ON WITH EACH AND EVERY HUNCH.
I WAS NOT CRAZY OR PARANOID. I WAS RIGHT.
I am a singer/actor/dancer/writer… and artist…and musician and let me tell you….. I AM INTUITIVE.
I love you all and ask for your support today.
why am i no longer receiving emails when one of you replies? I really need that…
I ironically meet with a rabbi today (I am not jewish) for work…. trying to get him involved with my residents. he is an amazing singer and musician as well. I so want to open up to him… or at least say pray for me… or I need help
Oh…. and my spath… texted…. he thinks our love is worth fighting for and he f-cked up. He wants to keep trying.
and my inner child cries, “Yes! Yes! He loves me. He will stay with me. all will be well like before.”
This 45 year old woman says….
GET LOST.
I love you all.
thank you.
kittylover, BLOCK his number! His texts are traumatic and he is trying to suck you back in. Not only does No Contact mean you don’t contact him, but you also refuse to receive contact FROM him.
Megan. 800.799.SAFE.
Please call!
They will help you through this. I promise.
You need to talk with someone now.
We are all worried about you.
Please call.
Stronginthecity
We have all been there.
It doesn’t make sense because he is different disrespectful disordered.
You are loving caring and nurturing.
Please please call.
It is domestic violence.
On one hand, you dogging this guy to become a choirboy that he wasn’t and couldn’t ever be was not love but a fantasy about what love is and needs. You might want to explore the subject of love in real time more.
On the other hand, that porn business has to be a deal breaker for you. If ever there’s a kabasher on a thriving sexual life, it’s repulsion. And you’d get there soon enough. That it didn’t kill your appetite the first time you saw his interest is worth a ponder, too. Imagine a wedded life of no bliss for all the years wasted in conflicts over that and the repulsion. Because that’s how the marriage would go. (Talk to his ex if you don’t believe me.)
Forget that he was the discarder by realizing you should have been 6 months ago. When you didn’t do that, you set yourself up to loathe yourself without knowing it. We cannot fool ourselves at the subconscious level ever. You should suspect that’s what is working on you more than his leave taking.
If you want to get a good picture of the toll taken of self destruction with self loathing, you’ve got a great example of it in this dude. He hid out a lot for it and you would have found out that he did for nothing that fits into real life; just internal dramas. And then ultimately, he implodes.
Interesting that he revisits the porn issue again on his own initiative for what seems to be you setting some boundaries with him that day; ie, he must consume you to not disintegrate. And because you want “up for air”, he pulls your chain.
This is all convoluted stuff which is enough to declare for yourself “Done”. And thank that part of you that fought for a sounder way of living at the end.
Point well taken, Viewpoint!
I need some in your face advice!
I am so glad that our plans to move in together never happened.
I am living in my nice comfy home and he lives in a sad little basement apartment with roommates!
Thanks.
I’m not one for giving advice like I have solutions. I’m more into the reflection/points to ponder stuff about oneself…. And I do come across like I’m ganging up on a person in grief for the stuff that they are haunted by.
I think it’s over for you in truth. And there’s just the funeral to attend … with or without him. Don’t be surprised if you feel gloomy for awhile. Something/someone did die for you.
There’s an old advice column on rumpus.net called “Dear Sugar” written by Cheryl Stayed, author of “Wild”… It’s entertaining advice; emphasis on entertaining.
Thanks! I’ll check it out. It’s all about me at this point.
I feel stronger after letting it all out and by doing so was able to finally see it for what it is.
A parasite, a leech looking for somewhere to land.
Not here sweetie!
Mine too. And he admitted it.
He wrote me yesterday that he took advantage of my kindness. took advantage of a very good person.
he said he “was scared”…. I had him scared that Id kick him out and hed be homeless.
hey… if you are 46.. a paramedic, firefighter, physical therapist and you are homelss…. and your car is repoed..that has nothing to do with me.
HE IS BLAMING ME B/C I was nervous and anxious for two months. New job… and always wondering.. IF HE WAS FOR REAL OR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME.
I was right… and my fear and alarms were accurate….
and now he tells me he cheated b/c I DROVE HIM TO IT WITH MY ANXIETY.
omg.
Ive gotta somehow get dressed for work. more coffee please.
Kittylover –
you made me cheat because my cheating worried you? UGH what insane circular logic sociopaths use.
I love it strong. Basement apartment. that is where mine belongs Please help me to be strong enough to make that happen. 🙂
His Plan B has taken place and sad to say it’s his own son.
This finally came to light, DUH on my part.
His plan all along was to get himself established on disability and stay home and be the house husband.
But no no, you can’t survive just on disability payments. You need another person to live with, someone who has a real job.
His promised of working always happened, for a month or so for one reason or another he could not work full time….
He needed a nice comfy house to live in so he could sleep and watch TV all day while I was at work.Sure he would cook dinner and do a couple loads of laundry, who wouldn’t?
When he realized that this stay at home and not work plan was not going to fly with me he behind my back enlisted his just turned 20 son who grew up in small town southern Florida without a father for most of his life was coming to town for a few months. This was all planned while the two of us were making plans to move in to my house.
Where will he stay I asked..what is he coming for? Why isn’t he in school?
Apparently they had it all worked out and his son just could not wait to meet me. He is such a wonderful kid, you’ll see. He can stay in the apartment that he was going to sublet to one of his unemployed lazy friends. His son was going to work a construction job and save some money for school. He had already purchased a bus, yes, I said bus ticket for him and was on his way.
Wait, what??? His son was going to come to town and nothing was stopping this, and he could not wait for me to meet him He went on and on how good looking and wonderful he was. He was supportive of our relationship, not like the older son who was brainwashed like his mother.
He was going to whip this kid into shape and I believe the plan was for this kid to move into my house too. Oh boy!
The son was to arrive the day after my birthday…hmmmm.
Well after I was setting boundaries he realized that Plan B, the son working and helping with the bills, taking care of daddy was a better option than being with a woman with a woman that has a voice and a mind..
After the blow up on my birthday,in retrospect was a blessing in disguise.
I received text messages that the kid was working and he was enjoying making dinner for him.
His plan of living off the system was working! What in the world did he need me for?
After he tried to lure me with the”I’m horny” text messages and I declined he gave up.
It all makes perfect sense to me now.
The ring was just a token I guess.
It never meant a thing.
I’m sure that his son will see who his dad really is and catch the next bus(hopefully flight) back to school!
Pheww.I feel much better now.
Watch out, after the son leaves he may be back trying to suck you oh again. That is why no contact is so important. Don’t let him back into your life no matter what pity play our love bombing he uses.
Thank you! I know no contact is critical. I have been going through this since 2006.
I waited for him to come back, he did. It took another almost 2 years to finally realize that I do not want a man like this in my life.
I deserve better and I will not accept anything less.
The son went back home. No surprise.
I have not heard a thing…birdies chirpin!
Then again I have him blocked like Fort Knox!
One more reason to breath a sigh of relief… Picture the whole thing in real time: With the son, who wasn’t fathered, who comes to find out the reasons he wasn’t and finds the reasons that this reunion was a really bad idea. And you’re in the mix with a loyalty to the fiance, trying to make this sad mess not look like the sad mess it is to find out that impossible and you just made sad for the whole witless, rash endeavor. Ugh.
I hope you kept the ring.
Damn right I kept the ring.
I found out where he bought it and that I can return it without a receipt!
Sweet!
Shopping spree for me!
Update..
The son is still here. I met him last night. I couldn’t resist as I wanted to see the spath in action with his son who will be returning home next week.
LONG story short.
Ok, who the f is that man, my expath who was at dinner last night with me and his son?
He was so different but what the heck did I expect?
I just had to see it with my own eyes.
I am happy to walk away and say buh bye sociopath!
Stronginthecity
I think this is much simplier than it seems to be. I’ll be a bit blunt. I don’t mean it to be hurtful and hopefully being direct will instead be helpful.
So far in an overall picture I see (on quick read):
– “found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges”
– married while with you
– disappeared for many years without explanation to you.
That’s all you need to know. This is ALL you need to know to make a decision. And you KNOW this information. You KNOW it’s factual.
There aren’t any lies to believe or “trust”. You already know facts above about him, that you believe because they are flat out true. It’s that simple. They are BY THEMSELVES enough to know this isn’t relationship material, not a nice person, and not someone who will ever be a committed loving caring spouse material.
Move on.
There’s nothing to discuss (beyond your feelings of loss and hurt). There’s nothing to figure out. There is NO contact to have because this isn’t a person to have in your life.
It doesn’t matter what he says about how he feels about you. It doesn’t matter if he’s a cheater or not a cheater. You already KNOW how he acts (see 3 item list above), and it’s basic non-relationship material. He may be wonderful this way or that way — but he’s not, and those three facts are absolute about that.
It’s like dating a permanently-disease-infected dog, and trying to decide if he’s cute enough and loving enough to snuggle with. It doesn’t matter.
If someone told you they were dating someone with these past behaviors for a first date, would you tell them to go on the date, or buy a nice flower for themselves and find a friend to go to the movies with instead?
Sex is better in committed trusting relationships. So you aren’t missing anything there either.
So, change your house keys (all of them!!). Tell him it’s over and you never want to come in contact again. Then block his number and email addresses and change every single password to email and finances. Set up safe practices (he sounds pretty incredibly creepy so you may need a house alarm system or other cautionary ways of handling a breakup.) And get happy looking for normal guys.
If you are clean from drugs and alchohol (I don’t know if you had addictiosn or it’s not relevent for you), date only guys who have been clean for a year. If you are still using, get clean for a year before dating anyone. (Harder to do than say but worth it, and worth focusing on getting the help needed to get there.)
If this all isn’t pretty incredibly self-evident, and you can afford it, find a good therapist to talk about what you want in a relationship and what boundaries you would like to set in them.
The hardest part about manipulative people is that they take your power away. So while I’m being blunt the bottomline is this is YOUR life, and YOUR decision, so if anything I said doesn’t ring true or is offputing — ignore it, and do what YOU want and know is right FOR YOU.
Curls
Stronginthecity
Just in case I worded things badly — I understand completely the draw into things with someone even when the data is there, that there’s a problem. I was just trying to take a step back to the big picture, where it’s eaiser (I’m hoping) to see and then keep in heart and mind to arm you and keep you stronger.
Curls,
I am here for support and to vent like everyone else.
I find your posts somewhat bullying.
I post here because I am in recovery and do understand that he is , our relationship was not normal.
Thats why I am here.
Donna and this website has saved my life. It helped me to understand what in the world was going on.
When I was with him in 2006 after he disappeared I was in therapy for months and not once was I told about this type of person, the sociopath. He actually did attend a session with me when he came back into town and after ward the therapist told me that he lied the entire 2 hour session… I did not know until he came back into my life ..he did everything I asked him to do. He got a divorce, a job and FYI I am not, nor is he a drug addict.
Once he had his hooks in me with the engagement ring he thought he could just return to his bad behavior.
Anyway, I am NC, I do understand now that he is a low life douchbag with a penis that rocked my world and he knew it.
You will see this comment in almost all of the posts. They are big dicked smooth talkers. Sorry if that’s offensive but its true.
I’m not the only woman I’m sure to tell him how wonderful he is in bed.That adds to their illness.
Once again, I post here so that I don’t contact HIM.
I get it, he’s bad news. He’s a stalker. He’s a creep. I lost all of my friends because of him. I can still see the look of disgust on my sisters face when I even mention his name, not to mention my only child still mad at me.
I GET IT.
Stronginthecity, keep venting here it really does help to get it all out of your mind & to sort out every bit of the craziness these sociopaths planted in our minds. Your doing the right thing by venting 😉
Thank you Jan7..
I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
I just got off the phone with my ex husband, who is not the socio, he has terminal cancer and called to tell me that his mother passed away.
My poor daughter has been going through all of this and didn’t tell me anything.
I feel terrible and selfish for not being there for her. She pushed me away and I was tying to respect her wishes.
Truth be told, I didn’t want her to see me like this.
I need to get out of this house.
Stronginthecity, your welcome. I am sorry to hear about your ex’s mother. It’s ok to be selfish when you are going through all the turmoil that the sociopath put you through. Their hell is like none other.
You daughter will understand…now you can be there for her.
I like the saying: When you know better you do better.
Dont beat yourself up over all the past few months.
Getting out of the house is a good thing 😉
take care
Strong,
Like I said, I wrote the post without realizing that it was to things that were a month old. So it no longer made sense. It might have if I’d posted at that time, but now you are well past that place, and it sounds ridiculous to where you are now. I’d already posted it — so i couldn’t remove it or modify it. I added a comment after when I realized. And another comments afterward because I suspected it wasn’t reading the way I’d intended.
“bullying”
Can you clarify? I’d like to understand and try to adjust.
On addiction, i added it in case it was relevant, but added teh clause that I didn’t know if it was for you. I hadn’t read enough posts or wasn’t sure if I’d mix them up — but had no idea if it had anything to do with you, but it’s so important when it is involved.
My worry was when I saw you saying “I don’t know if he loves me” and other wiggling thoughts. And I thought, the big picture has enough issues, that I was hoping to point that out more — so that the smaller questions that might pull you back in, no longer mattered.
“I GET IT”
Sounds good. The post I’d responded to, hadn’t gotten it yet, and was asking for strong words reminding you of the problems. It was late and I mixed up the dates when I read the posts and realized it after I’d posted. But that was what I was responding to.
PS
I had gathered that things had seemed normal before he left, and you didn’t discover all the discord and crazy until after he came back. … and that’s how he was able to do his manipulation.
It’s ok curls, you have the right to post here like anyone else.
Just be aware that the people who post here are super sensitive and in real pain.
I don’t know if you have gone through this yourself, I get the feeling you are a social worker of some type and giving advice.
Please read all the posts before you give advice.
S
Curls, can you share your story with us why you found your way to Lovefraud?
You said your story was different then others on this wonderful site.
Jan
I have to head out now (with family). I think I will try to do that (when I’m home again). Thank you for asking.
Jan7,
I’m not sure how to write this at all. Or if I have good words.
I’ll start with how I got to the site. That’s simple and straight forward.
I’ve been working for a number of years with a therapist. I’m a little past 50. At some point she determined that a really rotten thing from my 20s was the root cause of why everything seemed to be a mess in my world.
At times, I’ll search something on the internet, pick up a piece of info, or experience of someone, or have an interaction, and it will turn out to make the next piece of work happen.
Right before coming here, I’d gotten a notice of a reply to a comment I’d written a while ago, to an article that was 2-3 years old. That article wasn’t very meaningful to me, but there was a link that got my attention, and on that article a reference to here.
Once here in one of the first comments I read, was someone’s description of what the man they’d had in their life did to their daughter. (She didn’t specifically say pedophile, but it seemed to be implying that.)
It was the very first time I’ve seen a set of words written or said, that matched a piece of the headgame that was played on me.
I needed that. That was a big, huge deal.
I wrote something saying so (what it meant to me), but it didn’t get picked up, or noticed. I was feeling invisible.
Then I stayed and it clicked for something else (nothing specifically on the site), but very, very helpful.
I figured that was it, since the site wasn’t feeling like a direct match to my situation and like I don’t, like it’s not the place, right for me to be here.
But then I stayed. I’m not sure why — but whenever I’ve put myself somewhere that’s not making sense at the moment, it’s later turned out to be for a reason, and often stunningly so.
I’m going to post this, then continue.
Strong,
I’ve gone through something but it’s extremely different. I posted a little of it very early on. Haven’t since.
I’m not a social worker. I’m not giving advice. I don’t know what’s right for anyone else — because no one can know what’s right for another person. I’m trying to give feedback that reflects the person’s own thoughts. It’s often annoying at first, but then really helps get a person grounded back into themselves — and get at their power and anger. In person in life, I’m usually very good, at least according to people throughtout my life, but online remote, is different…
I’m a little hestiant to post my problem, and I guess trying to figure that out. It’s very different, and a lot of this doesn’t apply — but I was draw to this site. So probably there is something here I need to help sort out this puzzle. We’ll see.
Probably if I was posting my problem, my posts would look less like advice.
Curls,
I do not find your posts helpful. I am extremely sensitive right now they are coming off offensively and I respectfully asking you to decline adding your not helpful advice as it’s putting me in a yucky place.
You said that you have not been through this and find this site “interesting”.
For me and some of the others it’s a lifeline.
Please respect my request as there are others that might find your advice useful, I do not.
Respectfully,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Okay.
But you said not a problem in reply to me. (“It’s ok curls, you have the right to post here like anyone else.”) Then I posted this which is about -me- not you, in response. It wasn’t about you.
The only thing that was intented to be in response to you, was to answer to you that I’m not a socal worker and not trying to give advice.
“You said that you have not been through this and find this site “interesting”.”
This isn’t what I said at all. Not remotely. I said I HAD been through stuff. And that this site seemed to be resonating and looked like it might be a place for me to get some help that I need. Only that my stuff is very different in some ways that makes it hard to know whether to post about it.
I was focusing on me, and finally working up the nerve to say a little more about myself.
Obvioulsy not a fit with your stuff. Good luck with your healing.
Thank you Surprised!
I thought I was to only one seeing this.
I(we)are extremely vulnerable right now.
I personally am going through a living nightmare.
Thank you again for your support as it is definitely needed right now.
Strong
I am an addict.
A major addict.
It will literally take a power stronger than myself to leave this person behind.
I am soooo confused.
Has anyone ever been so ill… so addicted… that they just surrender to their addiction?
I do not know what else to do.
Help me Lord. Universe. Please.
DO NOT WORRY… I would never ever ever harm myself… LOVE MY PARENTS too much…
but I have actually had the thoughts of how just dying.. cancer.. car accident… would just be easier b/c I cannot get out of this myself.
AND….. Id rather die than feel the pain again of his abandonment. It is unreal. Ive had it before….. but now it is worse b/c I am older… more alone… more of a failure.
I hope I do not upset anyone with this “rawness”.
THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH.
Kittylover,
Pretty sure you’re not going to upset anyone with your “rawness” on here! Yes, you are addicted to him. Just remember, that’s the bond HE created. You are strong enough to leave this person behind. You already made the biggest step by leaving him….congratulations!!! 🙂 It may not feel like it at this time, but the fact you left and that you’re reaching out, that’s strength! Strength you have in yourself!!
I think many of us have wanted to “surrender” at times. I remember being where you are now. Not wanting to die or to inflict pain on myself, but just wanting to get the pain over with. Driving and wishing for an accident, leaving my house unsecured so my ex stalker could just enter and kill me and get it over with…. It seems like it’d be the easy way out. In the end we prevail. It will get better! YOU are a FIGHTER. Keep fighting!!!
YOU, KITTYLOVER, CAN DO THIS!!!! 🙂
I went through that wishing to die in an accident phase as well. I knew every place on my daily commute that an accident would most likely be fatal due to a plunge into a ravine or whatever. Eventually it occurred to me – why was I wishing that *I* would die in an accident? There were too many people who loved me and would miss me when I was gone. That is when I started turning the thoughts around to wishing the sociopath would have a fatal accident. There were a few people (parents, siblings etc) that might miss the sociopath, but ultimately it would make no big difference in anyone’s life but my own if the sociopath were suddenly gone. Plus it would be just a little less evil in the world.
One day, I decided that the sociopath wasn’t even worth that much of my energy, so I stopped wishing for an accident. That was step one of eventually taking matters into my own hands and getting out for good. There will be no going back for evil.
Nomorewool,
I am so sorry to hear the pain you felt and probably still do on some level but way to go overcoming that dark feeling and being able to talk about it.
I am still in disbelief over how these evil people are among us and the way they just go about their lives as if nothing happened.
I am still learning about this and how to stay away.
I do love having my life back and hoping that he just moves on preferably far far away from me.
Stronginthecity
PS There’s something that is still stuck in my head.
He always told me he loved me so much because I was the female version of him….
Strong,
xoxoxox… glad you are feeling better today.
I do not “miss” mine either…. but I do not look fwd to seeing him at RO hearing Monday morning.
He and I both know what he did.
Should I look him right in the eye… to show I am not afraid?
Lawyer from legal aide has not contacted me yet.
Hi Kitty,
How are you doing today?
I see that your court date is coming up and asking if you should make eye contact with him..
Personally I would not. To me, that look will be in your head.
Is there a court advocate that will be there for support?
Reason I ask is there was one there when I went with my sister when she had one filed on her ex.
Someone should contact you today. If not give them a call.
Ask if you can wear sunglasses so that you can avoid eye contact.
Hugs to you.
You are stronger than you think.
You have really come a long way in just a few weeks.
Stronginthecity
Kitty,
I am having a terrible night.
I communicated with douche lord and now I feel terrible and stupid .
No contact no contact no contact.
It’s the only way.
No text. No phone. No meeting for lunch no nothing.
I am feeling horrible again and was doing so well.
More false promises and bullshit nonsense double talk.
Run my friend.
Cut all ties. Don’t look back.
Move if you can.
It’s a horrible addiction.
He is going again to see his stupid crazy family out of state and hopefully Will stay there and ruin someone else’s life.
He is nothing but a fucking fucked up loser and I hate him.
Go pedal your crazy bullshit somewhere else.
Not so stronginthecity.
Strong,
I’m so sorry. He is a loser and I can identify with your hate. I can identify with breaking NC. It makes my heart ache to see you being so hard on yourself. Just think of this as a reality check. Clearly you have been reminded by his bs once again! Every step we take, regarless if we break NC makes us stronger. It won’t be as hard this time as it was the last. Or at least it won’t take as long to get back to where you were. You’re still ahead of the game. One step back, two steps forward. You’ve got this!!!
Thistooshallpass,
Thank you. I had to medicate myself last night because I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. L must have woke up 5 times.
I feel a bit better this morning knowing he will be leaving town tomorrow morning.
The last week was a bunch of shady bs talk about family drama that made so sense and thank goodness only saw him one time.
It’s so easy to see right through it now but the pain is the same.
Thank you!
Stronginthecity
Thistooshallpass,
I feel like the worlds biggest loser…I believed his BS again and once again he made me feel like we never talked about any of it.
Last weekend, against my better judgement I went to dinner with him and his son. I was so wanting to see how he behaved around his son. Of course he was the loving perfect parent.I felt like I was having dinner with a stranger.
The son who came here to work and live with him for 4 months..while we were in the midst of making plans to move in together. He made sure the kid was arriving on my birthday, without talking to me about it at all until the kid was already on the bus. See above rant about my birthday. The ticket was bought for him to leave on my actual birthday.
He then picked a fight on my birthday and then breakup # who’s counting at this point.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I met him for lunch, I AGAIN fell for his”life plans with me” story. I knew he would be leaving to drive the kid back home, about a 14 hour drive and visit the crazy family and asked if I wanted to fly down spend some time there and drive back with him. I said I would look into it with work and all, he asked me again right in front of his son last weekend but all this week whenever I talked to him he never asked about it again, and barely made time to see me before he was to leave(today). My mind was going crazy. He wanted me to move to Florida with him, he was going to look at some properties while he was there, blah blah. He made no plans to see me at all and I received a text message last night at 8:30 that he was sorry that he didn’t call me all day that he was having family drama. Yeah right. I was furious because I knew he was lying. But he loves me….
I went to sleep and didn’t respond until this morning with a sarcastic text saying that it was ok, have a great vacation.
He responded, oh thanks babe, I knew I could count on you. REALLY?? He then said that his son was going to say goodbye to his mother and asked if I would be home…
I responded that the text I sent was sarcastic and that I didn’t appreciative being invited on a trip..(I have a full time job, he is a bum) and told him that I had met someone else while we were apart that didn’t make my stomach sick and I wanted to pursue that relationship.
I then forwarded him a link to a website(not this one) that explains sociopaths..with pictures and within a minute started calling me..mind you he didn’t respond to the text telling him I met someone else. I didn’t answer, he tried several times but I knew exactly what he would say..”that’s so insulting” that’s his stock reply when I call him out on BS.
This was all this morning. I am feeling relieved knowing that he is most likely on the road…the family reunion is waiting.. hope he will stay there as his lease will soon be up on his apartment.
I am done. I can’t go through this again but you are right, either he was behaving worse than usual or I have finally given up on being treated like a puppet.
Thats how I feel, once he knew that I was on board with his plans to move with him it all changed. Stupid me.
So glad he is gone.
Stroninthecity
I can relate to many elements of your recent experience. It will go on and on forever until the victim decides it’s going to stop in her life.
I gave my ex psychopath a lot of chances for a long time and kept going back again and again and again. When nothing changes and the spath kept harming me again and again and again, in retrospect it looks like a mistake. I looked at it like this: at least I now know for sure that he isn’t going to change, and I will never second guess myself and wonder if I didn’t give him enough chances. Instead of feeling “stupid” or “like a loser” consider that you now know beyond any doubt that you’re doing the right thing for yourself going no contact.
I’m sorry you went through another round of pain and suffering at the hands of someone who does nothing but bring you down and exploit you because that’s what he wants to do.
Also, even better for you than hoping he’ll stay gone is that you can protect yourself from him by refusing to have any contact with him no matter where he is. As much as you don’t think about him and what he’s doing, and don’t go on social media looking at stuff to do with him; you are taking control over his access to you. He doesn’t deserve to have access to you. You can spend your time and attention on people who deserve you.
Yes, him leaving right now is good as it puts some distance between us.
I feel like I can breathe now and stop thinking about what he did and said.
I want to get back to the “I don’t care” point again.
AnnettePK,
You are so right.
Thank you.
I gave him enough chances..
I know for sure.
I am hoping this horrible feeling will pass quickly.
Thank you.
Strong….
You are anything but a loser. Look at all you are doing for others on this site alone.
Love Fraud Fam…
yesterday I watched a snippet on mosquitos. I am one of theose folks who get eaten alive… and yet my dad would not get one bite!
Guess what? They have proven… that mosquitos can smell/sense our DNA..
KIND OF LIKE SOCIOPATHS
and then they suck the blood out of you…..
and move onto another person with the attractive and vulverable DNA that so pleases him.
I love you all.
I have a huuuuuge work week at the Nursing home. I have to focuS.
What… am I going to damage my career and job and reputation b/c I am obsesses with a mosquito?????
I just wish I knew what was real and what was not real.
Sadly…… I do not even think my spath knew or knows. It is kind of sad actually. His exwife of 22 years… 3 kids…. said he used to be an amazing man. He has gone downhill the past 5 years or so. His dad died in his 20’s at Vietnam…. so we do not know what is genetic or what.
LOve you all. Please send positive vibes my way for this week.
thank you all for your support and honesty…. please do not give up on me until I tell you to give up on me.
Kitty
Strong,
Sorry to just now be responding! I had to step back for a few days. It hurts my heart to know you’re going through all of this and that you are hurting so much right now. What a nightmare! The thing I’ve realized about breaking NC….we get stronger each and every time. I believe you will find yourself back in the “I don’t care” state of mind sooner than later. How are you doing today? How are you doing with the NC?
Every time we talk to them, we risk falling into their trap yet again. I know with me that sometimes when I break NC it’s because I need the reminder (further proof) of what he is. It’s almost like you knew that if you played with fire, pressed the red button to meet with him and his son, you would find the proof/reminder of what he is! You suggested that’s why you initially met with him and then you got sucked back in. They have no power over us if we stay NC. How quickly they can turn things around and then show their true selves again!
You are being so hard on yourself. You are not “stupid” or a “loser”, even if you feel that way about breaking NC. You were not stupid in your actions. This is HIM creating this. You deserve so much more! You deserve the love I know you have for yourself. You are a caring person who got trapped by a con. You are a fighter, which is why you’ve come this far. You may have broken NC and started the fall into his trap but then you realized once again….
Congratulations! You didn’t fall back. You may be hurt and angry, but you are moving forward. You are saying NO MORE. You are learning more and becoming wiser, not the other way around.
Thistooshallpass,
Thank you for the support. I am doing much better. Thank you for asking.
I know, once and for all that there is no future with this man. It was fafe, phoney a lie a bunch of crap.
I don’t know or care where he is right now.
He actually had his brother text me Thursday while I was in a meeting at work(because I have spaths texts and phone calls blocked)expath tried to call 2 times Thursday and it was blocked by my privacystar app. Brother…he is a spath too said something about a FB something or other and asked if I was the one who posted blah blah and wanted me to take it down because expath was staying witn spath mother in Florida and he didnt want mom to be subjected to expaths rants.
Wait, what ..I texted him back that I was at work, in a meetinag and was not on FB and didnt care about the drama.
I also told him, the brother taht I didnt know what was going on but please dont involve me with the drams. He apoligized and has not bothered me since.
I am done. I am at THE point that I don’t care what he is doing or the lease on his crappy basement apartment and his kids that are living in his house in Florida and probably as sick of his crap as I am.
I DONT CARE if he will be homeless because he does not have a place to live and can’t afford to live off his SSI payments. How about getting a job??????
I have chronic pain and go to work everyday. Deal with it.
The last week when he really avoided me because Im sure his kids were not on board with me flying down for the family reunion (eye roll). I don’t care but I was trying to juggle my work schedule to get time off beacuse he invited me and then never brought it up for an entire week…well that is just plain rude.
Why did I think he would do anything differently?
Thank you again for your kind words and support.
I am actually going to go to the grocery store and grill up something good today. Something healthy and yummy just for me.
When I was with the expath after working all week and the long commute, he would make me feel guilty for wanting to sleep in on Saturday morning after he slept in and took daily naps…unbeliveable.
He made me exhausted all of the time. If I did have energy, he would create drama to leave me anxious and feel crazy.
None of this is exagerated, if anything I am down playing all of the craziness because my mind can only process so much at a time.
I’m hoping that he is either seeing the exwife again or had been grooming someone else because he knew that I would call him out on hi BS all of the time. She put up with it for 30 years and I don’t think she is done even though he divorced her…
I’m going to get dressed and go to the store to make a nice dinner for ME!
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I’m glad to know you are hanging in there and taking care of yourself! One of my favorite things to do to get myself back on track is to cook a nice dinner. I especially love grilling and sitting outside. It helps me to feel more at peace. Great minds think alike! 🙂
You came so close to letting your spath back in, but you didn’t! You thought he might be different because that’s what they do. Lie, lie, lie to try and convince us. Their promises are painful, especially when they set up a vision of our future and drop it like they never said anything. It throws us off and makes us confused. That’s what they want. Is for us to be confused. By keeping us on edge and uncertain is one of the ways they keep control over us. Unfortunately for them, once we are stronger, it doesn’t work, which is why you are able to stay away.
Mine also kept me exhausted. It was horrible. It’s one of the things I miss the least! And like yours, the times I wasn’t exhausted and felt better he would try to convince me how unhappy I was and would crazy make more than ever!
I’m uneasy about the fact he had your brother contact you. Make sure to document that. My first spath used friends to contact me. It was one of the first things he did before his stalking began. By him having his brother contact you shows he’s amping up his game. I can’t say what his intentions are, but be careful and stay aware. Better safe than sorry!
As for his brother bringing up the FB post you didn’t write…it sounds like your ex told him that to convince his brother to contact you. It’s part of the pity play. Try to not respond to texts or answer your phone if you get an unknown call.
Enjoy your nice dinner, and keep staying strong!! 🙂
I agree with Thistoo- ignore and refuse to respond to any proxy contacts. Nothing good can possibly come from it and you may just be feeding the trolls.
Dearest Strong…..
my heart is heavy. I am scared and beyond sad. I am calling the hotline now from my office. I DO NOT WANT TO CALL.
he does not hit me. will not b/c he will lose his job.
but what he has done is literally hundreds of times worse. I get sick to even think about it. Really sick. I have even vomited. Please think of me now. I do not want to make this call.
🙁
Let it out girl!
I need my LF Sisters right now.
I am at work.
I cant focus…. and I am even on a low dose of Adderrall from my dr.
I have a complete Recreation calendar due in two hours.
My hands are shaking as I type.
I cant stop thinking about my situation.
I found out who it was.. an ex…. but I do not care… although I feel sorry for her.
but how do I get thru this day and get this project done? I cannot lose my job?
People have noticed at work that I have not been myself in two weeks.
I could have a great life and career if I could get thru this….
My heart is racing. I am sweating and I am a skinny little thing who shivers all day in the AC of Florida. My hands are shaking.
Please pray for me or send positive energy/healing/vibes… whatever it is each of you do.
God bless you all. Huge cyber hug.
ill keep checking my messages as I am working….
HOW DO I FOCUS AND GET THIS DONE?
I am sorry I don’t have any good advice for you on how to focus. The racing thoughts and shakes are awful and I am lucky I didn’t lose my job during the discard. I don’t want to second guess your doctor, but I am wondering if the Adderall is helpful if you don’t have ADD.
Take a deep breath. Focus on something nice – a flower, the sunshine outside, how nicely aligned the papers in your inbox are, anything. Then transfer your thoughts to “recreation calendar” and plow on through by sheer willpower. I used to find it helped if I allowed myself 5 minutes of worry for every 30 minutes of work I did, but I had to work the *whole* 30 minutes to earn the 5 minutes.
Good luck kitty. We are with you.
My support and understanding lf fam… I’m not doing well. I’m hurting. I’m soooooooooo sad. Angry. Hopeless. I don’t even want to go to ro hearing but I must. My company that fired him will not even come w me. Coworkers who saw? Nope.
Surprised
My comment of good luck with your healing was meant to be a nice wrap up … a way to say a positive nice supportive thing, while moving away from her as requested by her. There was nothing sacrastic or dismissive about it. It was geninuely meant.
Tone of voice doesn’t come through online.
I am also vunerable right now. I tried to express some of that, and to say that, that last post was about me.
Stronginthecity — I posted that one post with advice, but not since then. Not sure what in the later ones that is readng as advice. But nothings meant to, so ignore it if it — and figure I didn’t word it well.
I will give one comment though
“Hell, I ring his answerphone just to hear his voice. Messed up, aye?”
In a way it’s messed up, but it’s also very, very normal :).
————
I don’t know if posting my situation will clear things up … or be different enough to get me into a negative place, where it’s not understood…. still trying to figure that out.
Jan7 and surprised,
Jan I saw the comment where you invited that person to share their story.No reply.
Surprised, thanks for the back up just when I needed it.
Hopefully he/she will just go away but I am jaded as well because prior to that I felt safe and comfortable here.
I guess there’s always one in the bunch.
All of the other LF members have been kind and respectful but seriously I felt triggered by the comments from that person.
Something that none of need right now.
Lets hope that Donna will see that as well.
Have a peaceful and drama free evening.
Surprised,
I am the same way.
My expath would always tell me that I should have been a cop.
Call me detective. .
You are smarter than him because you got away. .
I’m sure Donna has the email address that person used to sign up here.
Doesn’t sound like the rantings of a sociopath.
Sounds umm shall I say disordered.
Let’s just not respond to anything.
stronginthecity, surprised and Jan7,
I’ve trusted curls and have been trying to view this from all sides, however I’m going to have to agree with you on this one. Something isn’t right. Too much unsolicited advice. Is able to freely use labels except when applied to her/his situation? Confusing, not to mention controlling. Surprised, you’ve expressed to curls that you are uncomfortable and would like for her/him to not respond to your posts. That has not been respected.
All of these correspondances remind me of conversations from my ex and the posts remind me of emails from him. His emails never made sense and when he tried to send me loving make-up emails he would seem absolutely shocked when I told him his emails made no sense.
Looking back over posts he/she also seems very informed about spaths and why they do what they do..has very clear explainations for their behavior. Not saying people can’t be informed. Some people on here are very knowledgable about spaths but approach it with sensitivity.
Stronginthecity, as we know spaths are disordered and sneaking. I’m not ruling out a spath at this point….
Thank you, thank you!
One thing about mine is that he did not use email or social media only thing he knew how to do so he claimed was to look up teen porn…eye roll.
Anyway I’m saying that I don’t know what an email from one would look like and I am assuming the above post from c.
I felt uncomfortable with the responses from the very beginning and asked him/her to stop giving me advice.
The ramblings were coming across loud and clear with the double talk and I didn’t say that, your imagining it so on so forth we all know what I’m talking about.
Thanks for your support as my posting is all over the place on here but that’s how it happened.
I have reported my concerns to Donna and I hope you all do the same.
I am getting stronger everyday.
Thank you,
Stronginthecity
stronginthecity,
“The ramblings were coming across loud and clear with the double talk and I didn’t say that, your imagining it so on so forth we all know what I’m talking about.” Exactly. The back and forth that seems helpful, yet you have to reread because there are statements that cut you down and are invalidating at the same time. I’ve ridden that rollar coaster 100s of times!
Your ex couldn’t use social media or email but child porn wasn’t a problem? Surprise, surprise!! I’m adding to your eye roll right now. My spaths loved their porn and my first spath was obsessed with touching himself! He lived with his hand down his pants, even when his teenage son was around. Yuck. We actually got in a ton of arguments about it. How ridiculous is that?!
I’m happy you’re getting stronger every day. Me too! Yay for us! This journey is exhausting and so difficult. I pray every day for healing to come sooner that later…just wish sooner was right now!
Thistooshallpass,
Yes, that seems to be a common bond they share..love of their penis.
Another thought just “popped” no pun intended, LOL and I did actually laugh..feels good to do that by the way..
He would lay on my bed after sex or while I was doing my hair, putting on makeup, sigh that man never left me alone..we even showered and brushed our teeth together..
Anyway way I was going to say was that he would admire his penis lovingly and would ask he all the time what made it so beautiful..was it the head, or the lovely circumcision, the length, diameter?
He also loved me to take pictures of him naked and fully erect, absolutely loved it. He would pose with that snarly grin on his stupid face.
For someone who didn’t want their business aired on the internet..he was always the first one to jump in front of a camera.
He was interviewed for the news a couple of times and I found out a couple of days later..oh did I mention I was interviewed for the Cubs construction? Huh, what??? Ah no you did not. All you have to do is Google cubs renovation and there you are stupid.
I am shaking my head just thinking about it. He looks like a street person and all he was worried about was that they spelled his name right..
I certainly can relate with your post.
I tell myself I am getting stronger everyday…I have to.
I have to finish my taxes today.
Oh no,that is triggering something that happened last year around this time…trying to get my taxes done and asked him to stay at his place till I was done.
Instead he decided to come over with a friend a lawnmower, leaf blower with power cords running through my house as i was trying to finish my work…
AHHHHHHHHHH
I WILL get them done today..I WILL!
Thistooshallpass & Stronginthecity,
Stronginthecity, my ex was the same way, you are the first to post about taking showers together & brushing teeth together.
In the begaining I told him that I loved hot showers…well I know now anything that I said I “loved” he would insert himself into that or would say over and over “I hate that” to brain wash me not to like it anymore.
As for the shower eventually I would sneak into the shower so I could have alone time but he would come into the bathroom and either get mad at me for not telling him that I was taking a shower or he would make me feel bad if I told him I wanted to take a shower by myself. He of course would guilt trip me and get in the shower and especially in the winter would make me stand in the cold while he was under the shower head enjoying the shower. I look back and it was all part of his sick twisted mind game to control me and every min of my day.
At the time I would be upset that he would not listen to me not wanting to take every shower with him but you just get to a point you dont want to fight anymore so you just give in to their crazy demands. This is what society does not get….they just say “well why didnt you just leave”…it’s because they have your mind so twisted up you dont know which was is up and which was is down. They have reprogramed your brain. It’s all about them crossing your boundaries to control you.
Thistooshallpass, you state “His emails never made sense and when he tried to send me loving make-up emails he would seem absolutely shocked when I told him his emails made no sense.”
It’s called “Word Salad” (google) when they dont make any sense. My ex was the same way and reading Curls post I was like what did I just read? So I read it again because I did not know how to respond to her/his post of what happened to him/her. I have decided not to respond because it reminds me of my ex’s emails too when I left him and before. I have not responded to any of her/his post before you all brought up the same reasoning…seems like he/she is a pot stirrer who has studied some therapy books. Not sure what is going on but it is sending up red flags especially since you all have noticed the same thing. I sent a notice to Donna too.
Strong,
Ugh, these men and their penis’. Penis, penis, penis! And yours was so specific and detailed about his. Lucky you! I can’t believe we put up with their crap. Considering your ex claimed he didn’t want his business aired on the internet, do you think there’s a chance he’s posted naked pictures of himself somewhere? Just a thought. With his penis obsession, you would think he’d want the world to share his all mighty gift with!
I totally get what you’re saying about your ex dominating/controlling your time. Spath #2 (I refer to them as #1 and #2 because I dated two back to back) would wear me down. I have a very stressful job, so when I had down time I needed it. The more tired I was the more he managed my time and/or ruined times of rest. I know believe it was a brainwashing technique. If I needed to get up early the next day, he would stay up all night and find excuses to wake me up and/or pick fights with me in the middle of the night. If I had time off work he would plan trips and busy activities.
Your post also reminds me of a time when I asked him for help fixing up my bathroom. He came over and started doing another task in my house I didn’t even ask for help with and I sat around for hours annoyed that he was even there. Guess who’s bathroom he never ended up helping with? Of course not! If he did help that would mean I was in control by getting what I wanted. He was such a control freak. Sounds like yours was too, judging by your tax day last year.
You WILL get your taxes done! You’ve so got this!! And you get can get them done in peace this year. 🙂
Jan7,
The endless control while being with them!!! I’m so grateful to have the control of MY life back! I can’t believe you and Strong’s made you shower with them and then gave you pity plays when you wanted to shower alone. Actually, I can believe and relatein so many ways.
Mine also pushed boundries to the max and brainwashed me into believing thins I once loved I didn’t anymore. He was always showing up at my house and bringing me things. He knew I didn’t like it. I finally gave up and he could come over and bring me whatever whenever he wanted. He would even say, “See, you thought you didn’t like me doing that when we first started dating but now you love it!” Pffffff.
He convinced me I didn’t like certain friends (I’ve reconnected with them), that my family was toxic (they’re great and supporting me through all of this), that when I was getting stronger during our relationship while #1 was still stalking me that I was “unhappy” (he said that sooo many times — I WAS happier) and that I hated my job and should quit. I LOVE my job!!! So much brainwashing.
I’ll have to look up word salad. Sounds about right! He used mind games and gas lighting regularly in the end. I got to the point that Like you said about knowing up or down, I didn’t know my ass from my head at the time. I started writing every thing down and even admitted it after we broke up during a fight and he said I must of written things down wrong and questioned my mental health.
I also had to reread those posts and ones made to me over and over. What I thought were helpful posts also confused me and made me question myself. I know why now. Word salad, indeed.
Jan7,
I just found this online. Welcome to my world! Hahaha.
Gareth’s Word Salad – Example – A Letter
After each line of the letter I will post the translation to what he is saying in the way the translation was given to me in the beginning of my road to understanding the narcissist. I thank the friend who gave me this translation because at the same time as being correct it was humorous too which made it easier to accept the truths.
Translation In Bold
“I have worked out what I love about you and why,
BECAUSE WHAT I THINK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK
I love what I cannot see, i love that intangible quality you hold,
HERE COMES MY PROJECTION
that “thing”
OBJECT -‘THING’ BEING THE MOST OPERATIVE WORD HERE
that you are and always have been.
YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN A THING TO ME.
That is what tantalizes me, delights all of my senses and creates a certain emotional admiration of you”
HERE COMES SOME IDEALISATION…GET READY FOR THE DEVALUATION SOON TO FOLLOW.
“It explains that when I hold you there is no need for words or conversation, they limit and distort the “Pure You” inside.
I CAN’T COMMUNICATE.
“You walk into a room , you are 100%, I walk into the room with you , you look at me and try to tell me how you are feeling but you fail,
NOTE YOU FAIL..NOT ME…YOU FAIL
you fail because there is a set of words, a dictionary, you have been taught,
YOU KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE AND I AM JEALOUS OF YOU FOR THAT.
you cant make up your own words as I wont understand them,
I REFUSE TO LISTEN.
everything you say to me will be degraded
BANG! HERE’S ANOTHER TRUTH.
down to 70% because all i would of received was a few words and i can only understand 30% of what you wanted me to understand
COS i DON’T GET IT.
The personality you have is something that is nothing but an interpreter for YOU
PROJECTION AGAIN. I ASSUME YOU ARE WEARING A MASK, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO.
Nothing you say can constitute me loving you
I STILL DON’T GET IT. I WILL HAVE MY WAY OR ELSE..
Whatever spirit man is inside me,
WOOOO-oooo- NOW I AM BEING DEEP
hes happy when im with you, and longs for you when im without you, hes not writing this letter, i am but i can feel he is glad i am writing this.
HELLO, SEE A LITTLE ‘PERSONALITY SPLIT’ HERE?
when something is wrong with you or me, or your doing something bad or wrong,
NOTICE I NEVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU DID ANYTHING GOOD, FEEL GUILTY YET? YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.
its like the real you….that spirit ,
MY PROJECTION AGAIN.
shouts to me and begs my attention
MORE PROJECTION, IT’S YOUR ATTENTION MY LITTLE TEENSY WEENSY SPIRIT MAN WANTS…
saying “help” or “shes in trouble again” and in response,
I WANT YOU TO BE IN DISTRESS SO I CAN BE A HERO AND SAVE A DAMSEL..HELPS ME FEEL ALL BIG AND STRONG
my spirit or soul makes the physical me feel different usually a dwelling pain in my stomach,
YOU GIVE ME A PAIN IN THE GUT..
which then sparks me to physically take action and find out whats going on.
IT’S YOUR FAULT I STALK YOU.
I cannot say all my love for you is because I love you,
I DON’T LOVE YOU.
or your personality and the things you say and do. Its not.
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
I love whats inside you, behind all those feelings and words.
I LOVE WHAT I WANT YOU TO BE, NOT WHO YOU ARE.
It is like there is something inside us both,
IT’S BEYOND MY CONTROL, COS I DON’T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING.
and both spirits inside us are connected and are “in love”
WE ARE JUST GOD’S LITTLE GLOVE PUPPETS (PROJECTION AGAIN)
and we as people have to just follow those instincts ,
I WANT TO BONK YOU.
not ever knowing if its just looks, words, sex or personality that we love about each other.
I DON’T WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU ON ANY OTHER DEEPER LEVEL.
The emotions i feel overwhelm me when we are together,
I HAVE POOR IMPULSE CONTROL
and your personality you have taken on
I’M SAYING THAT YOUR PERSONALITY IS FAKE(PROJECTION AGAIN)
is a mere tunnel to the real spirit and vibe of you, the soul or aura you have drives me wild when i think about you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.
You are insecure about us XXXXXXX, there is no need to be,
DON’T FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.
wake in the morning and go to sleep at night and what happens in the daytime happens, but there is something inside both of us that will always want to get closer so leave it alone,
I WILL BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR FEELINGS
dont worry or feel the need to govern the relationship.
IT’S MY JOB TO GOVERN THE RELATIONSHIP
Say what you feel instinctively and we will naturally get along well.
DO AS I SAY.
I love the spirit and soul that is in you I feel it when im with you and around you, when I cuddle up to you or lie down with you.
I WANT TO BONK YOU.
It is hard for me to comprehend what im saying but when im lying
I’M ALWAYS LYING
against you its like there is something inside me
THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE MY PANTS
thats happy and that something is what i am talking about.
I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
I dont know if you understand what im saying, and if you cant then it furthur supports what im saying.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM SAYING AND IF YOU UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS THEN YOU ARE AS NUTS AS I AM…
Let us look forward we are in love much deeper than i can ever comprehend,
THIS IS WORD SALADY RUBBISH WHERE I TRY TO BE DEEP AND MEANINGFUL
whatever is inside me will guide me and clear the way.
MY PENIS LEADS THE WAY.
in time you will start to see the white before the black….the positive instead of the negative.
I SPEAK OF BLACK AND WHITE, THERE’S AN INDICATOR THAT THERE’S NO SHADES OF GREY, PRETTY MUCH THE WAY A PSYCHOPATH/NARCISSIST VIEWS THE WORLD.
The medium of talking is poor.
I CAN’T COMMUNICATE..
Your skin like silk, your body is beautiful, your eyes so perfectly dark and deep, your hair so vibrant and attractive, your lips so lush and striking.
I WANT TO BONK YOU. HERE’S ANOTHER BUNCH OF COMPLIMENTS TO IDEALISE YOU AGAIN BEFORE A D&D. DEVALUE + DISCARD
Your make up you wear masks
OOOH NOTICE THE “Psychopath” SPEAK…”MASK”
your natural beauty and can instill lust and physical desire but still does not answer the question of what and why do i love you.
HERE I GO AGAIN….
So Let love thrive and enjoy the warmth it gives you.
DO AS I SAY.
Allay your worries and fears as there is no need for any.
I FLUNKED ENGLISH CLASS.
All my love …is just for you
FOR NOW.
Hope it helps a lot to know im always going to be here for you……
THAT I WILL ALWAYS STALK YOU.
Ineffable = unspeakable
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE A DICTIONARY EITHER
Ecstasy = Overwhelming emotion
OR A THESAURUS
Intangible= Can be sensed but not physical
BUT I CAN ALWAYS TRY SPELL CHECK
“Im not saying your stupid XXXXXX”
I AM SAYING YOU’RE STUPID BUT REMEMBER, THAT’S MY PROJECTION.
Now that I think about it, bits and pieces are coming back as I am healing he knew exactly what he was doing.
He used to tell me that I am the female version of him..he said it all the time.
Naive me thought aww how cute..I never really knew what he meant.
He knew exactly what he was doing.
There was a comment after we broke up he made when I told him something, it was a lie…
He replied that’s defiantly a (his name omitted ) response with that snarly laugh.
surprised,
I’m not sure what’s going on. Game, truth or otherwise. I just know something feels off and I’m trusting my gut on this one. This is a safe place for all of us to post. We deserve to be heard, comforted and given nonjudgmental insight. Sometimes we word things that may come accross wrong or could be interpreted the wrong way, but it’s not a pattern. I don’t know about you, but I’m over patterns. Analyzing my spaths patterns is exhausting enough!
surprised,
Thank you for your kind words and that I could help you along the way. It sounds to me like you have found some balance in your life and it’s serving you well to move forward! I hope to be there sooner than later.
I’m thankful that this site and others on here have helped you so much. You’ve come along way. You deserve the best and to never be discarded again!!
I wish you the best in your journey. We’re all here for you should the need arise to check in! xxx