Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
HI all,
I want to know about these dammit dolls.
What are they and where can one purchase one?
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
I know your birthday is coming up..
I wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing..
I am hoping that you have something planned to celebrate your special day without the sociopath.
What are these dolls you are talking about?
I’m so curious..
Stronginthecity
I found the dammit dolls online..
I think I am a different stage of grief right now, but as we know that can change!
Right now I am in the acceptance stage.
I am working towards the forgive stage.
Thats where I want to be.
I have found that making plans with friends makes me feel better so thats what I intend to do.
I decided to see that man I met a couple of weeks ago for date # 2.
I got the idea from my therapist that its ok to meet new people and socialize so thats what I will do.
I have not received any more messages from the disordered person so all is well.
I will be careful not to reveal much and just listen and get to know him.
If I see any red flags I simply wont see him again.
I got a hot pink mani/pedi today and I love it!
Not a color I would pick but the old me is coming back.
Yeah!!!!!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
The guy…, Mr. Coffee?
Was that your story about him before? 🙂
Yes, dammit dolls are online, but I did also stumble on them in a lil boutique.
Mani/pedis are fantastic! I do those at work hahaaa.
Sun I am going to eat with 2 friends- a couple, and that’s it. This is my long week, but next week I think we are celebrating at work. Life is a bit different for me now- I still hibernate at home, hiding from the Ns.
I am glad you sound good today! The sage bushes sound cool. Can you grow lavender where you live?
Remembertoforget,
The guy I am seeing this weekend..
I met him over the July 4th weekend and I surly thought he would not want to see me again, thats my self esteem talking.
I was so used to all of the drama with mr. Psyco that I did not recognize a normal person.
Anyway he wants to see me and I turned him down last weekend but this weekend I said yes.
Thank you, I feel good today.
I’m glad you have plans for your bday!
Slowly but surely keep up with the socializing.
Meet new people, not all men are like our ex’s.
I have been hibernating a lot too.
I totally understand.
Your bday is all about you and your friends and has nothing to do with him, right?
I did have a lavender perennial in my garden but lost it last year due to neglect.
I will plant another one in honor of your bday!
Hugs and stay strong!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
SITc,
Thank you!!
Have a nice time on your date with a normal one!
Enjoy your weekend, you deserve it!
xoxooooo
🙂
Remembertoforget,Kitty
Thank you!
I slept in and still feel tired!
I just finished reading some response here and I am entering the angry phase again.
Kitty has to undergo a medical procedure and go to court and poor Lila can’t stay away and it sounds like she has been horribly discarded again and is saying she thinks she has an STD.
It just makes me so mad.
Kitty I’m so sorry that you have to go through all of that.
What a bunch of slime ball men.
ERRRRRRRRRR. I am angry I need a dammit doll!
SITC
UGH,
Is Dateline on yet???
This ridiculous America talent show is on…
Where is my Dateline???
Thank goodness I have plans tomorrow and Sunday!
Stronginthecity
Kitty,
I have seen less of you posting and I am hoping its due to the fact you are moving on!
I certainly hope so as you are a smart cookie and caught onto the spaths evilness early on.
Consider yourself one of the lucky one’s.
Please update us when you have a chance.
I hope you are out and about getting on with your life!
Kitty hugs to you!
Stronginthecity
PS I thought about all of you while I was cleaning my garden the other day.
May the sage flourish!
App alert!
With the cost of therapy through the roof, even with insurance I am the kind of girl who wants answers now!
It’s called mind warrior and I’m just getting started with it.
It’s 2.99, so I thought I would give it a try.
It explains triggers and a “menu ” of what kind of trigger you are having and immediate remedies to them.
Just wanted to share.
Going to start getting ready to go out to dinner!
Yeah! I am so excited to get all dressed up and socialize!
I hope everyone has a nice calm evening.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Hi,
I was recently introduce to the above captioned website and this is my story.
A BRIEF HISTORY.
Chapter 1
About 5 years ago, I met this woman and during all of our communications, we both share similar ideas about family, devotion, life journey and loyalty. We shared so many similar traits that I honestly believed this could be the woman for whom I can spend the rest of my life under the umbrella of marriage. As a result of our desires to be united and move forward with this relationship, I left my military career in order to travel overseas and spend time with her and her family. In order to pursuit a new opportunity in marriage, I left the country and lived in China for 16 months. With the plans of pursuing this relationship, I gladly and with no reservations gave up my career and move to a foreign country. We were married in 2010 and by January 2011, I left the United States to start a new life.
Chapter 2
Although my original plans were to live in China for a few years, all changed when my step-daughter asked about attending a high prestigious university in the U.S.A. Seeing that her education was very important to the family, I returned to America in order to start the process of bringing both of them to live with me here in San Diego. As you can imagine the VISA process can be a long process that can take numerous years. However, with the assistance from Senator Dianne Feinstein, she was able through her connection expedite the process for my wife and daughter much faster. It took about 14 month.
Chapter 3
My wife and daughter received their VISA, and finally came the day for them to come to the land of opportunities. April 2014 was a big day, my family was finally here. From the time that we were all living together, we had to manage all types of issues. Like any family, good times, bad times, victories, disappointment, etc. This is what marriage and life is all about. Nevertheless, it was a great time under my eyes, to be with my wife and daughter and to travel together in this journey. I LOVED MY WIFE!!!
I was excited and felt a sense of joy when I had to drive my daughter to school every morning and to pick her up every evening. We were both very busy, but it was exciting to feel like a father and husband. My wife was adjusting to the way of life her in America, but since her English skills were superb, she had no problem adjusting quickly. She was able to land a few jobs, and also did some volunteering at a local non-profit agency. It was exciting times.
Chapter 4
As we moved forward with our daily life, I began to see some changes in the way our family was forming. I was beginning to see a lack of communication within the household. Also, each time I would try to be intimate with my wife, she will reject me or simply push me away. This was the start, of things that will eventually lead to the end. Having said that, she was always helpful in areas of finance, and I have always appreciated the fact that in time of needs she contributed to the finances of the house. As she used to tell me, “We are Family Now.”
Chapter 5
Our household affairs were slowing moving apart. A few examples; I will come home from work early in the evenings, and everyone would be on the respective corners talking to the computer or tablets. No sense of family interaction, no unity or a sense of family. I would come to a house and I would feel as a stranger in my own home. I brought this matter to her attention several times. “We should spend time like a family each evening, and discuss the events for the day”, that never happen. Everyone, continue with their independent behaviors. This was causing lots of frustration for me, since I like communication.
Chapter 6
Things were getting extremely difficult. Another example; I was also pointing out that her daughter will not even contribute 1% in the household activities, such as picking up the dishes after she ate. We or I had to remove the dishes from the table and bring them to the kitchen to be wash. I brought this matter to my wife, but no corrective action was taken. Very intelligent student at school, but extremely lazy around the house.
Chapter 7
My wife finally found a job with your firm and she was very happy and excited. Also, after 9 attempts, she finally passed her driving road test, and got her driving license. It was about 3 weeks ago, that we had another silly argument about some of the issues that I describe above. Her response was that she was NOW moving out of the house and is demanding a divorce. I was never expecting for this woman to do this, since for the past 5 years, it was her that kept telling me about family and loyalty. I am 100% sure that she receive some assistance from the other Chinese ladies working along with her.
Chapter 8
These last 4 weeks, has been the most difficult time in my life. I have sought mental help, psychological advice, religious counseling, I have even though about suicide. In discussing this matter to several other people, they all are telling me the same results.
“From the very beginning, she knew what she was doing. I was used in order for her to come to America. Now, that she has a job, driver license, and her visa, she does not need me anymore”. I was used for her gain. She is the winner of the AMERICAN LOTTERY by receiving her VISA. It’s just amazing how all the people that have giving me advise, all are coming with the same conclusion. From the very beginning, she saw me as a kind, honest man. Not rich, or wealthy, but honest and simple. So, she took advantage of my kindness in order for her to achieve her goals. An entry to America and for all the benefits that come with it.
A YEAR SINCE SHE GOT HER VISA, SHE RUNS AWAY, ABANDON THE FAMILY BETRAYS ME, HAS NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT AND IS SEEKING DIVORCE.
Chapter 9
If you were to ask her about me, she would probably said, that I have a temper, I was abusive to her and her daughter and that I have no future. The simple fact is that she knew about all my traits from day one. But, “she was willing to marry me.” Now, more than ever I can see how I became a victim to this scam.
The facts are that, my relation with them was as honest as it can be. I was happy to be able to take her daughter to school each day, I taught both them how to drive, I would give advice to my daughter, that in America a person needs to be a little aggressive and to have the eyes of a tiger in order to spot danger. I went as far to get my daughter a cat. Being allergic to this animal, I had my concerns, but I broke those concerns to satisfy her needs.
I am A MONSTER, simply because I was always seeking communication in the household. I am A MONSTER simply because I was trying to teach her daughter some basic responsibilities around the house. I am A MONSTER, simply because I was seeking a well balance family.
My wife,
Got her Visa, a Job, and Driver license. For the pursuit of the American dream or entry, she abused me and has mentally destroyed me with this betrayal. Under her eyes, a 5 years sacrifice, is worth a life time of benefits in this country.
By the way, in no way I am saying that I am perfect. I have many faults. But, a few qualities that I do have are, I am loyal, honest, try to live each day with integrity and committed to a caused.
9/11 is a prime sample. I was a mortgage broker during the high peak of the real estate market. Once, we were attack, I felt it was my duty to serve this nation in pursuit of those responsible for this attack. Left the mortgage industry and the possibilities of making some GREAT income in order to join forces in pursuit of justice. Join the Naval Reserve with the idea of serving just for a while. A while became 10 years and was mobilized 4 different times. To Iraq, Afghanistan and Kuwait. Not bragging, because is not my style.
NOTE: Having said the above there are 2 sides to the story.
I have also made several mistakes. Because of the lack of communication in the house, I would often loose my temper and open my mouth. You know what happens when we man open our mouth. We talk before we think. Financially, I have been struggling so it has been a journey filled with lots of excitement and drama.
However, I was also grateful all the times that she helped me or us. In my view, marriage is like a partnership between two entities in which they both together strive towards success.
I recognized all my mistakes, and I have shown how much I have regretted my former behaviors.
Maybe, I am the person 100% responsible for my current separation.
I am in real darkness, pain, loneliness, lack of hope for my future life. The only thoughts that keep coming to my mind is suicide. I do not want to live in such a nasty world anymore.
One minute, I have a lovely wife and step-daughter, and the next minute she packed all her belongings and abandon the marriage.
By the way, subsequently, I found out that she was meeting another man. She was pursuing divorce, so I sign divorce papers last Friday. Although, from day one I was refusing to give her any divorce, it seems a waste of time to keep the drama going on.
I AM HURTING, but refuse to follow the advise of some of my friends. Go out and meet other women.
I pray to God, that through his hand, justice will be served as a result from this abusive and betrayal from my wife.
Sorry, for the grammar, I am not thinking right and I am filled with emotions.
I need to some help fast, I am loosing it.
Al
Thank you for your time.
Al Maldonado
Al Maldonado, I am sorry that you are in emotional pain over your divorce. It’s not easy to deal with all of the pain & the racing mind from the stress you are under now & have been under.
Please contact the The Veterans Crisis Line 800-273-8255
This is the wording on their site which you can google “The Veterans Crisis Line” to read more:
“This Crisis line connects Veterans in crisis and their families and friends with qualified, caring Department of Veterans Affairs responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text. Veterans and their loved ones can call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online, or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Support for deaf and hard of hearing individuals is available.
PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP TONIGHT WITH THE CRISIS LINE & ALSO YOUR FRIENDS. You are not alone so reach out.