Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Kitty,
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I know first hand the pain and discomfort. Good news is you’re jumping on this fast!
I experienced this when I was with my disordered ex husband. No meds worked for me either and the docs couldn’t figure it out.
Toward the end of the relationship I finally had an endoscopy and by then my stomach was a mess. No ulcers but a lot of bleeding. Turns out it was advanced celiac.
Not that you have celiacs but I know how the stress of these men can make a person so sick. Hopefully your Dr will figure it out soon and that the camera reveals what’s going on.
It may be worth the money to see a naturopath. They’re helpful when looking at diets and supplements to help this kind of thing.
Wish I could be more help! Recovery from the spath combined with sickness is the worst.
Prayers you get well soon!! Xxxxxx
kittylover
The only thing that ever helped me was Tagamet. They have a weaker OTC generic of “Cimetidine 200mg. But as long as you’re seeing a physican anyway, a real Rx of Tagament might give you the relief that it gave me.
I can’t find the post where I read you had a nightmare and was having a hard time getting over it. I learned that when I didn’t deal with something in the day time, my darned subconscious made me suffer it at sleep time. I learned I had to change the neg via multi-sensing level approach. And to change my expectation from “healed” to feeling a “little better”. A smaller goal so I didn’t beat myself up for being “weak”. As you know mentally… we are NOT weak, but that evil message is being hammered on us so I found that if I worked with or accepted that the trauma was being done, I could feel “a little better” and at the end of the day, that small victory helped me to feel even more better. So for me, a multi-sensing proactive sense would be 1) music, playing is better but listening is good. 2) nature. a walk in the woods or the gardens. SMELL the roses, or whatever… literally! 3) touch, a bath with my fav sponge/music/candles/scent 4) you have tummy troubles but my go to was tea/scones. So pick a little something that you know is good for your body AND soul. If tummy is too upset, skip this part. You must not create a neg experience. 5) My fav perfume, scenting my home… for me, because I have a daughter, I took a bath with the scent SHE gave me. so the scent was pretty and the emotional tie was to my beloved. 6) Funny or inspiring movie to overcome “the bad guys”. I love My Fair Lady, which was the first movie I ever saw. Try to pick one that is uplifting AND has an emotionally positive connection for you.
This is just my examples of what I picked and why, and at the end of the day, I did feel a “little better”. Which was a far improvement over the start of the day.
All my best to you.
KeepingOn,
I hope you are having a lovely day today. Lol.
I read that we shouldn’t fight to ward off our anger or sadness, but acknowledge it, bless it and work through it.
We know that already though right?
That Happy Birthday text I got on his bday was really a wrong # because a lady just called from it asking for someone else.
That was a weird thing though!
Hahaaa, false alarm.
No Spath my way. There are no cracks for him to peek through!
Remember,
Yesterday was so much better than Monday!! Thank GOD.
I’m all for trying to embrace my emotions. I’ve been pretty successful. The other day I just wanted to jump out of my body and leave it behind for a while. It was horrible. The nightmares along with some stalking stuff last week clearly caught up with me!
I’ve been grouchy as all hell today but I’m in a better place than I was.
So glad that phone call didn’t come from your ex! I love it when I can debunk things like that.
I had 3 stalking things happen in one day last week. One thing may or may not have been him but considering so much happened that day I think it was. I saw my therapist today and she agreed.
He may still be around but at least I’m out of a relationship with him!!
Kitty,
Apple cider vinegar organic
it balances out your ph.
I’ll let you know the brand.
Your body does not have a lack of N exium.
Google it!
Strong
Kitty,
It’s Braggs spple cider vinegar, it’s the best for acid reflux.
You can but it at pretty much any grocery store.
I have developed all sorts of new ailments…
Hope you feel better!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Hi all,
Worth a read about acid deficiency and cortisol levels.
http://healthwyze.org/index.php/component/content/article/221-why-you-should-use-apple-cider-vinegar-instead-of-antacids-and-baking-soda-for-indigestion.html
Stronginthecity
kittylover
I gave medical advice and I shouldn’t have. I did it b/c I experienced what you described and because it was NOT acid reflux, Nexium, Prilosic, apple cider vinegar did NOT help.
It’s something to discuss with your medical health professional. Please, if you have a medical issue that you can’t resolve, then self diagnosing is not working and you should seek professional care.
I regret the advice for Tagament, which I took for painful esophageal spasm, I didn’t have gas or acid reflux. It was inappropriate for me to recommend a treatment when I hadn’t the chance to question/take a history/examine you.
Keepingon,
I just read your post and I hope you are feeling better now.
I totally get that feeling of being scared that something bad is going to happen.
For me I have learned that came from being in the drama for so long and now silence.
I definitely can identify with the obsessing and I confess that there were entire weekends spent just searching for something, anything that would give me answers.
You are not being paranoid or ridiculous,from what you talked about in your story there are some things that stand out as needing to be cautious.
Have you talked with him at all? Has he tried to contact you or have you contacted him?
I ask because there was a point when I was still contacting my spath because I thought it would be better to know whats going on but that backfired because he would never tell me the truth anyway.
I too feel like he is plotting something against me because of the silence and maybe he is or maybe he is not.
My best guess is that he has latched on to someone else(he moved from my city back to his house in Florida about a month and a half ago).
Thanks for the well wishes. I spent the entire afternoon with a back doctor and need further testing…no answers yet.
I have another appointment coming up this week with a head doctor and have to see if I can get my medical leave extended because I have only seen my therapist 1 time so far. Her schedule is somewhat limited and there would be no way to see her if I am back to work right now.
I have to get my anxiety under control.
Please be kind to yourself and try to stay away from him and his “people” as they don’t seem to be trustworthy for you right now.
This is terrible for all of us and I have made so much progress having everyone here for support and it make me feel good to support others.
Have a peaceful evening.
I’ll be up for awhile if you want to chat.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I had a much better day yesterday and needed to disconnect after all my anxiety and obsessing Monday. Thank you for your post. It’s helpful to know that people get it.
So much for your ex being silent! At least it wasn’t him at your door…or so he says. Just because you talked to him and it seems he’s not in town doesn’t mean that he isn’t. I hate always having to question because of the lies.
I went NC almost 4 months ago. I cut off all mutual friends and lost people close to me in the process. I choose not to go into his stalking on here because I believe he’s had access to many things in my life. I write on here from a safe device but am staying cautious.
I do feel like I’m in danger. A few unsettling things happened last week. I hope he gets bored and goes away. I’m sure he has other women.
It’s amazing the energy they have. Other relationships and still finding the time to stalk! It sounds like a horrible and exhausting existence.
I’m sorry about your back and anxiety. Hopefully you Dr will help with the anxiety stuff tomorrow!
Kittylover,
I hope you don’t feel like I was giving you medical advice.
I am well aware of the endoscopy with camera follow up.
I was only suggesting the apple cider vinegar because it has helped me, and that was in case the tests all came up negative(which I am praying they do).
I hate that you have to go through all of this and hope you are feeling better.
Good luck with getting the RO extended.
One thing at a time.
You are taking good care of yourself and doing everything you can to make yourself feel better.
Hugs
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
One day some day, I won’t think of it anymore.