Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Remembertoforget,
ME TOO!!!
One day, soon!
Errr I got triggered by an ad on the LF site.
It’s an ad for the type of ring he gave me, antique like setting…
Yes. I still have it.
I just like it. I wear it on my right hand.
I know I have to get rid of it as it’s still confusing to me.
The store where he bought it said I can return it for store credit.
I am not holding on to it for any other reason than I like it.
I do not have any hope that it means anything.
I’ll tuck it away for now.
I’ll return it soon.
My car is breaking down so perhaps I can sell it and fix my car.
SITC
SITC,
That sounds like a good idea…use it to fix your car when the time comes!
Very good idea!
We have a diagnosed N that works at my job now. She won’t last…she tried to suck me in her negative realm. I smacked her with a boundary.
My boss believes she is here for me- as a test!
Geeeez.
Anyways, sometimes I think, hmph, oh my support site, why am I there?, because of some guy?, some low-life?! Weird! It feels like it was all a dream.
Remembertoforget,
Ugh, N’s at work…yuck.
Good job smacking her with boundaries.
I know it must be difficult in your field.
May she move on to another place like, tomorrow!
I know..I feel the same, on here over some guy…geeze..
I am (almost) so over it!
I do coe up with some good ideas posting here though.
The ring, the horrible noise my car was making driving back from the doctor..ok I stopped at the beach..
Doctor said my vitamin D was low and I needed to eat my salad somewhere!
Multitasking!
SITC
Strong,
Eating salad at the beach while catching some vitamin D…awesome!
I hope your LOA goes through ok.
It will!!!
Remembertoforget,
Thank you!
It was such a beautiful day and the beach just happened to be on my way home!
It was later afternoon and even though I was alone I had a peaceful afternoon after an annoying 3 hour appointment at that stupid dr appt.
I think tomorrows weather forecast is also amazing so I will take advantage of my Dr’s advice and get some sun and a nice swim in the cold water lake..it’s physical therapy for my back!
Thanks again.
Here is to the N coworker..a kick in the a#$ and move on!
Buy-bye…
Have a great night!
Hugs,
SITC
PS, I think Friday the ring will either go back to the store or sold on ebay..I need my car fixed!
SITC,
Have a good day, hopefully you will be able to take a dip in the lake. Swimming is good for the back!
I think you’re right when you mentioned about us being so used to the drama-and now it’s just quiet. The Happy bday text was a wrong #, an accident, but I had thought it was a prank, ya know?
Sometimes I think something might happen, but it can’t, he has no numbers or email for me, so the feelings are probably that-residual effects from the trauma.
Crazy.
Have a well day today- Everyone!!!
Almo07,
I’m so sorry that you are in pain.
Unfortunately, we know it too well.
I have said and felt exactly your words. I felt I didn’t want to exist on this planet with this society.
I did reach out to a dr for depression.
I hope if you need to that you will.
It will get better.
It’s a process.
Support helps.
Rembertoforget,
Thank you!
Today has unfortunately not been so good.
First off, someone was knocking on my door this morning.
I was still in bed. I put the covers over my head until whoever it was went away.
So I went to go in my yard and clean up a bit and noticed my neighbor had left piles of leaves there…I was going to try to clean some of it up but I’m limited due to my back situation..anyway I started to scoot some of them with my foot and got stung big time by a wasp..man that sucker got me. Second sting this week.
I was so mad that my neighbor left all of that stuff there. I put my garden stuff away and started praying that I could calm myself down. Last thing I need is to argue with my neighbor.
I prayed and calmed myself down, took a shower and cleaned my sting.
I decided that when he gets home from work I will ask him nicely and calmly to please help me clean them up as they are on both of our properties.
I am so happy that I am learning to cope with my anger.
Anyway…as soon as I got out of the shower, I noticed there were 2 calls from the spath blocked by my privacy star app.
I also thought I heard someone knocking on my back door when I was in the shower.
Now I am in the paranoid mode and am so afraid that he is back in town.
Please, please I need some support right now.
I am so afraid he will come by.
I do NOT want to see him.
He will set me back big time and I don’t want him to know I am on medical leave.
I have my dr appointment tomorrow and hopefully can prescribe something for this anxiety.
Remember I am so happy that the phone call on your birthday was not your ex trying to contact you and ruin your birthday.
I guess when you change your #..which I am going to HAVE to do now theres the chance you will get some calls from whoever had that # last.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Dear strong,
I’m sorry to hear you are having a bad day. I am also sorry to hear about your neighbors and the knock on the door. One thing that has helped me with my over bearing, over controlling neighbors is to think like a dog on a walk. Kick some grass over their situation and move on my merry way and enjoy my walk. In other words it’s their issue. (My neighbors like moving my bins around to prove a point and use them when theirs are filled to the brim. We all have our own spots and bins. I have no problem u using mine but ask. Don’t assume I have nothing to fill t with and make me wait another week). I have been too doormaty and scared until recently. Recently I had stuck up for myself asked them to stop and be respectful. It doesn’t stop them but now I hum and just think and see what it is. Some people only think about themselves and don’t care. So they are in this group. Try not to be effected by their mess. It’s hard but it’s their issue. All you can do is be respectful.
As for the knock I know how you feel. This is why I got cheap cameras and pointed them to each main side of the house out of the window. You can get cameras for that ( it’s expensive and if you have the money go for it but if not there is an alternative. Alternative is simple. You can get a computer camera with night vision. There’s loads of models that range from 15$-50$. Pick one. Attach it to your computer network. There are programs that will only record when there is movement and it can alert you via email, via noise at home and your computer or via your phone or tablet).
This way you don’t have to worry. If it’s the mail man you’ll know there will be a recording of him or her dropping off your mail and leaving. This way you’ll know who is near your house and what’s happening. I believe it is even admissible in court so if he is stalking you.
It’s helped me and has eased my mind. Hope that helps!
SITC,
Very good to hear about you managing your anger…
I hope your neighbor agrees to help clean up the leaves.
I really really hope that was NOT the xpath knocking on the door!!
Do you think you will answer it, if he does?
Don’t answer it! If he came back to town, does he have anywhere to stay?
Remember,
Thank you. I feel good about having a plan to talk to my neighbor like a normal person!
I don’t know who else would be knocking on my door, the first time it was with a key..tapping on the window.
I’m pretty sure it was him.
No way I would answer it.
If it was him, how dare he just come by my house.
If he is in town, he has plenty of people to stay with.
Trying to ward off this anxiety.
Going to do some stretching.
My back is really acting up now!
Thanks for being there.
SITC
Perhaps you could use the opportunity to let your neighbor know that if your ex comes by, you do not want him to know you are home and its unwelcome, but you don’t want any action taken, just to be notified and kept an eye on. Neighbors may be good at informing you of what they see.
MissFortune,
Thank you. I will speak with him about it.
Unfortunately, my expath is extremely slithering and moves like a snake.
I don’t think he is here.
I finally answered the phone..I know..I know.
He kept calling.
I was very short and to the point.
He said he was calling me to tell me that his phone was back on.
Me..silence.
He said I left you a message a with my home phone number but you never called.
I told him I never got it.
I said, so you are calling to tell me your phone is back on?
He said yes, he had been without “digits” for awhile.
I was silent.
He said oh, sorry to be bugging you at work. Call me when you get out of work.
Stupid me…I’m not at work.
He said oh, I didn’t know that.
I said ok talk to you later bye and hung up.
UGH, this guy makes me sick.
I have to get out of this house right now.
I think he was just calling all of his supply to let them know he was available.
Goodie, we are all so lucky.
I know I never should have answered but I did, and I really don’t feel all that bad.
I really don’t care.
I’m going to get some dinner.
SITC
Hi Strong in the City,
I recall you have me some good pointers a couple of months ago. My socio is back after 6 months. I am like you, I am extremely short and unpleasant with him. I wrote me an email telling me that he needed to explain why he left. These 6 months I used to get strong and get therapy as I did not know what the heck him me, until I discovered he’s a sociopath. He told me today was his birthday, and I ignored it. I told him not to contact me again, but he will. It’s felt good that I now discarded him. I will never, ever let him in again. I will play games with him and make him think that I don’t know he’s coo coo. I just saw is most recent picture and I can’t recall what I saw in this piece of crap of a man. Either way, hang on. Don’t let him know that he broke you. Mine is so confused, because I never went after him and he came after me. I have contempt for the bastard, but he does not know this. He’s trying to be his loving self again and love bomb me again as I continue to ignore it all. If I let him in, he will see me as a weak person. I want him to work hard and get nothing in return. Ha, he thinks he’s stands a chance with me. Yes, I too broke the NC, but if felt good to discard him and I will continue till he figures it out that I’m not going back. I’m just having a little fun with the bastard.
SITC,
Breathe. Good luck. Stay Stong!!
To all those who saged their places it have a question where had you found the sage? It sounds like a very good idea to rid my place from all the surrounding torment of him.
I have been focusing on myself the last week and have finally come to the end of my treatment. It’s been hard and I find out next week if I’m in remission. Let me tell you this is not how I had imagine things. I have remained no contact despite seeing videos of his sibling knocking on my door while I was away. I have cameras pointing out windows to record movement so I can see the coming and goings of each people even when I’m not home just to feel safe. I don’t feel safe. At all. I know his temperament and I know how vengeful he would get to his friends at work or when I met him at school and even though he hurt me emotionally in my worst ways I don’t want to think what he is capable of. Still he refuses to give my possessions back and the framed photos of my Cancer buddies and everything the hospital sent him including my pets remains. He shall be getting his court order tomorrow or Friday. I’m worried. Since lives with his parents they will now know the truth so whatever lies he had been saying is going to be blown away. I see now by reading Marlas story ( my god when she found the phone the reactions to him cheating was almost simillar to what I lived through when I found out he had cheated on me ages ago. I however had no right to look at the phone records as we were never married). It all hits home. These people are made from the same tree that it’s scary.
So right now I’m laying low. Hoping this won’t cause anything and trying to remain positive in my own health. I did look for sage but regrettably the craft stores do not sell any and I am just thinking of being some at the grocery store. If anyone have any ideas of where one can find some that would be great! Sorry for this post being all over the place.
Bkuelight,
Quick reply.
You can but a sage plant at any garden store.
Plant it in a container so you can dry to leaves!
SITC
BlUe!
I get it from the metaphysical stores, BUT Whole Foods has some!
Xoxoxo
Blue,
Also, if you’re getting rid of-cleansing, burn it and go around your house in a counter-clockwise direction, through all rooms. Open a window or door while doing it.
When your done put it out in a pot or something and then spray something sweet. Any fragrance you like!
🙂
Thanks guys! I’m leaving now to go get a sage plant. xo
Blue,
After you dry out the sage make sure you bundle it before burning. It makes for a better smudge. You can look up online how to do it. 🙂
Dear LF friends,
Please if you can say a prayer for my ex husband(not the ex sociopath)my daughters father.
His cancer has progressed even further and is fighting for his life.
My brave, strong daughter is his main care taker and I must be there for her right now.
It makes my issues seem so small in comparison.
I pray for all of you, I know some of you are struggling with a cancer diagnosis as well.
Please take care of yourselves! Your health is more important than a person who only cares about themselves.
I will be checking in here from time to time but have opted out of email alerts at this time.
You all have been my main support through all of this craziness.
I choose my family, not the sociopath.
Hugs to all.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I’m so sorry to hear this, Strong. Please take good care of yourself and your family. You are going through so much at once.
We are here for you if you need us!!
Xoxoxo
KO, SITC,
Yes, we are here for you if you need us. xoxoxo
KO, see, I look, people are fighting for their life, so I tell myself “snap out of it”
I’m sorry he messes with you, just like a child.
I should be glad mine is gone forever. Yet, i’ve been down off n on since Monday.
It’s me- it’s my ego mind that holds on.
I used to meditate for about a year plus…I know that if I get back into it and work on my subconscious mind I can probably dissolve the wounds. It takes self discipline. Ohh…it’s always been so hard to let go.
I will pray for us tonight.
Remember,
Thank you for the prayers.
I totally get the ego thing. If anything this while experience has made me focus in on my inner child and ego.
Sorry you’ve been feeling up and down this week. It gets old. Let’s heal already! Oh ya, patience….another thing I’m trying to focus in on.
I used to meditate a lot too. I still give it ago and let my mind wonder. Sometimes it upsets me more though when I let myself think too much. Counter productive at best!
Remembertoforget,
Thank you!!
SITC
Strong,
I’m sorry to hear about yor exhusband and his diagnosis. A Cancer diagnosis and the process is always grueling. As someone who has been fighting this disease please if you feel overwhelmed the hospital provides free group sessions for people just like you in yourand your daughters situation. Do not feel like you cannot go and talk to people who are in simillar circumstances as yourself. It helps! Don’t be shy. You’re doing good and please know you friends on Lf are here for you. Sending you hugs and prayers at this time.
Hi Kittylover,
Hi there, just a quick reply.
I don’t know if you saw my post from yesterday, I talked to the expath on the phone then found out later that day my ex husband(not the spath)his cancer is invading his body..he now has tumors in his neck that are pressing on his spinal cord and having trouble breathing…I have 2 appts today and then I am heading over there to see him.
Anyway, I won’t be on here that much for a bit but wanted to reply to your post.
I had a HUGH ah ha moment last night.
The spath called me again last night before I was going to bed. He was using the same BS spiel, I miss you, you are the love of my life, come see me…blah, blah, sno concern fro me or my poor daughter taking care of her dying father it just made me SICK, the sound of his voice used to woo me now it nauseates me.
I also had a very enlightening dream. Ill make it short.
In the dream, I was talked into going to some kind of cult church, that involved getting in some kind of roller coaster type ride uphill on a track in a cave. Lots of other people on the train. It stops, there’s something wrong, the train is broken and a voice announces that tit is stuck and no time frame when it will be fixed..we should all just be patient and wait. I looked around and got out of the car thing and started walking out of the path that led out of the cave!
Soooo you will get there my dear sweet Megan…your BS meter will explode and the pain and longing will just go away. Poof!
The red flags will be large and waving in front of your face. You will find the love that you deserve.
The fireman was a speed bump in your love life.
I must get ready for my 2 appointments . I wish we could go offline because I would really like to know what meds are helping you. I still have anxiety is still bad and I am seeing the doctor that can give meds today.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Strong and Kitty… to both of you, I’m thinking about you!! I truly do feel for your circumstances and I can relate all too well.
That hopeless feeling is where I’ve been since January with short time periods of feeling better, but it’s not sticking. I’ve been NC since July 9th and I thought that would make all the difference, but it hasn’t. I got an “unknown” call 2 days ago and no message left – I never get those, so I think it was him but can’t be sure. I won’t call him! I’m hoping at some point I can feel what you’re feeling, Strong. Feeling nauseated by the sound of his voice is GREAT because that will help you to no longer answer his calls.
Both of you are moving in the right direction, and I am too but it’s just not easy yet.
Strong, wishing for peace for you and your family, especially your daughter regarding her dad. I have seen too many people in my family die because of cancer, so I know how hard that is.
Hugs to you both… and to everyone else here on LF too!!
Gaslit,(and all of my LF friends,
Thank you for all of the well wishes.
I am so happy that I saw the psychiatrist today.
Was I reluctant? Yes.
I do not trust many people anymore but I knew I had to put on my big girl pants and go.
I feel like I have my “dream team” in place now.
My primary care doctor extended my medical leave and I have my therapist in place now this guy, well all I can say..amazing.
I am very picky with doctors and especially doctors that have prescription pads but..
I have to say, he picked up on the sociopath right away.
I played dumb, like I didn’t know anything about his personality disorder.
I asked him what type of person does things like this..I only had to give a brief overview of what was going on.
Out of the mouth of the professional…narcissist, con man, gas lighting,manipulator, take what they can get from people….ahhh yes.
NO CONTACT! I had to talk about my other things too but he gets it!
He refilled what I am already taking and prescribed me a new med…I really like him.
I feel confident that I will be on track soon…
If anyone is hesitant about seeing a psychiatrist or therapist I saw run, don’t walk.
If take a while to get a first appointment so if you are thinking about it I say make that appointment.
I wish I had done it sooner, but thank again I also wish I was a Vogue model!
I read several posts about the moon bringing them out…so ironic mine chose yesterday to start his drama.
Oh one more thing the doc said…he probably is doing this to someone in Florida too.
I replied that I’m sure he has many…he recycles them. He agreed. I feel he is very knowledgeable on this personality disorder.
So, my dream team is going to help me!
I’m going to every appointment while I still have insurance…he seemed to think that if I am terminated when I return to work that it would not be a bad thing for me…toxic environment but I still need to pay my mortgage and bills.
I am praying that everyone here will seek help.
I put it off way to long thinking I could manage on my own.
This stroninthecity is not that strong, yet!
Now I have to take care of my baby girl.
My beautiful daughter is in pain and momma needs to tend to her.
She is very strong willed like her daddy.
He absolutely despises doctors but I am going to insist that she take care of herself.
So, the disordered individual is blocked again and I am not up for any more of his bullshit.
It’s such a sick game and this girl is not playing anymore.
Hugs to everyone and thank you all for the kind words of support.
XOXO,
Stroninthecity
Strong,
Good for you! Take no more bs from him!! Amen for NC!!!!
God and the universe work on mysterious ways. You went to see the psych who confirmed your ex and you got extended medical leave. You are blessed.
I’m so sorry about your ex and what your daughter is going through. I’m praying for you.
KeepingOn,
Reading through the comments here.
Not sure if I said thank you for this..
if not, THANK YOU!!!!
I do feel blessed and am very grateful.
The prayers and advice from all of you here have helped me so much.
I hope that you are safe and well.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity