Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Dealing with some more spathtastic drama. Wish me luck. Not sure how often I will be on the next couple weeks. Do they all go on moon cycles or something to strike all at once?
(Where is Zeus with a bolt of lightning when you need him?)
NMW,
I hear you on the whole moon cycle thing! Mine has been creeping too. Where’s Zeus when you need him?!
Sorry that you’re dealing with more drama. We’re hear for you!! I’ll be praying for you and son many others on here. Hopefully things on are the up and up soon!
Xoxoxo
Friends,
I’m experiencing a stage I haven’t in the past. It’s hard to explain.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gotten used to his stalking, if I’m desensitized or finally finding my way to healing and God’s love.
I met with a friend earlier to catch up. She wanted to know the latest details. I found some myself skipping around and leaving details out that would make the most sense. Basically it was like it all seemed normal to me and made sense. To my friend I’m sure that wasn’t the case! I’m sure I seemed confusing. The thing is, I’m not confused. All of this nonsense is starting to make sense.
My hate for him is depleting. In return I’m feeling a sadness for him. Not that I justify him. I feel sorry for him. Sorry for his existence. So happy that I have so much more. So happy that I am ME. That I have this beautiful life. So grateful that after so many relationships with these people I have finally been hit in the head with a frying pan and am seeing the light.
So back to the stalking…yes I feel fear occasionally. After all, this is a man that wishes me harm and dead. He pulled some stuff last week that I dint react to as much as I would’ve in the past. I’ve been thinking maybe because I’ve been in denial? Thing is, I don’t feel in denial. I feel acceptance. I feel surrounded by good in spite of his actions.
I’m still aware that I could be physically harmed yet I feel at peace. Because I’m living for me. Finally!
I don’t know if any of this is making sense. I just needed to share. I’m feeling hopeful. I know this cycle well enough now that I’m aware I could be on here tomorrow sputting hate and sadness.
For now I feel acceptance and peace. This is the first time I’ve felt this. Maybe I’m on my way to a different stage of healing?
KO,
How wonderful it would be to move to a new stage of healing.
I prayed for us last night- us on here…
I started meditating again, doing ones that aim to reprogram the subconscious mind. I also am telling myself, just let it go- it doesn’t serve me to hold on and go round in my mind.
I say the Lords prayer. I tell myself, have faith not fear, there is nothing to be afraid of in letting go.
The past, old beliefs, old wounds, old people, let it go.
I have always believed that hatred is in proportion to love and is in fact love turned sour. If you love greatly, then when that love turns to hate, you hate greatly. As you let go of the love, the hate also diminishes to eventually be replaced by indifference. Destroyed love is the wound, hate is the inflammation, and indifference is the scar tissue left behind after healing.
Remember and NMW,
I’ve been working on letting go and staying aware of letting go everyday. Maybe it’s finally starting to pay off. I still cycle through my anger, loss and am only now starting to feel glimpses of indifference. Nicely stated, NMW! I appreciate your insight. It resonates with me.
I’m still feeling more at peace today, even with bouts of occasional distaste for him. I hope this feeling lasts and gets stronger. Will we ever truly be able to just let all of this go? I feel like I’m making things harder for me by holding on so much.
Remember, Thank you for your prayers. I’m happy that you started meditating again! I’m confident that it will help guide you.
This healing stuff sure is a bitch sometimes. Or more often than not!
I’m grateful to have you all by my side.
KO,
I guess I had forgotten the whole letting go part. I was just cought up in my mind again.
It’s like they told us time n time again, we can really heal when we stop thinking about him and focus on ourselves.
So, i’m with you- concentrating on the letting go and paying attention to my ego.
This healing stuff IS a bitch, and that is EXACtly why soo many DON’T ever try!
God Bless you, God Bless us. We don’t want to live in pain and dysfunction. We do want to heal.
I pray HE helps us to Let it Go.
xoxoxo
Oops on mis-spellings. Lol
Remember,
God bless you! Although this healing is SUCH a bitch I’m finding that dealing with it is my first sign that I’m discovering self love. I hear you on the ego thing! I’m so proud of us for taking the bull by its horns.
I’m so grateful God’s been taking his spiritual frying pan and knocking me over the head with it! Whatever HE is doing is working. I’m finally able to hear his message loud and clear!!! Still a bitch though. 🙂
So I just got off the phone with one of my best friends. We’ve been talking for hours. She was just discarded for her 2nd time by her BF of 9 years. It is all so clear to me while talking to her. She with held a lot of stuff about him in the past. It’s like BAM I can see his patterns and motives. I can see how he’s been planning for months and how calculated his actions are.
I was caring during our conversation and was strong in pointing out red flags and calling him put on his true intentions. I did not tell her I thought he was a spath (she’s still in denial) but I did encourage her to do Internet research. She was grateful for our talk and thanked me many times for understanding.
My heart bleeds for her. She doesn’t know yet the journey she has ahead of her. But she’s seeing things clearly considering. I pray she stays away.
Point being, if this was me 2 years ago I may have encouraged her in different ways. I don’t believe I would’ve see his patterns, intentions or the signs.
I’m hoping because I’m seeing her situation clearly and without judgement that most people are bad (he’s really shown his true colors), that I will recognize a spath when faced with one again.
I am so grateful for LF and everyone on here. I’ve been living emotionally blind for so long without realizing it.
Back to my friend, I see a dammit doll gift in her future!!!
Hello All,
It’s been a couple of month since I posted. However, I have been reading your post. In the last post I asked if sociopaths return as I read that they do. We had dated for 9 months and many times the red flags were there. In the beginning I did not fight back, but then I fought like hell. I was not going to let him control me. I did not know that a sociopath was until after the discard. I don’t know if you recall that I broke it off 9 to 11 times and his pity ploys brought me back. I gave him money to buy something, $100 and he fought with me and I never saw the money. This was one of the fights. Mine you my brother was a crack addict. I can swear to you on my soul, my brother never stole from us. From no one in my family. Don’t get me wrong he asked us for money all the time, but he lived in my home and he never stole from me, nor my mom. So this was very degrading to me. I could not prove it, so I went back. Anyways, I caught him in another lie and this was when he discarded me with this letter:
First off let me apologize for taking so long to reply back to your last message, I read and re-read it so many times that I’ve lost track, I did this so I could make sure how to respond back with words that would not come across to you as offensive or hurtful, I doubt that even now that I will achieve this but I want you to know from the deepest part of me what I have to say here and now holds no animosity or attempts to hurt you.
I will start off by stating that I know you have done so much for me and you have boosted my view of myself, a view that I have not experienced in over 15 years, At times I felt like a 20 year old again and I really enjoyed that feeling and as much as I care for you and value you for giving me that there is one thing I value more, that Is your happiness and well being. With that being said I looked hard at myself and knowing that even though you aren’t asking much I don’t honestly think that I can fulfill these without something else arising that will cause another “Misunderstanding” or argument that will just push us further apart and I also realize that no matter how hard we both try to avoid these instances they still occur and it makes matters worse, You deserve much better than that!
I truly pray that as you are reading this now that you are not taking this as me being selfish but as me being honest for it is painful for me to even write this knowing that these words are hurting you but please know this was not written in haste or with any malice as well as with your best interests in mind..
Even though I fully know that once this part of you moves forward without me and that door is closed forever I feel that no matter where our lives end up there will be that bond that will connect us till the day we depart this existence.
I have yielded my soul to your response and if there is none from you then I will say my goodbyes and pray that you have a joyous life as I know you will have.
Sincerely and Respectfully written.
I cared for this person deeply, but never fell in love. He never ever told me that he loved me, but he cared. I always told him that I give him exactly what he gives me. He says he missed me, I only gave him the same. He said, gave me grief, I gave him grief. However, for the most part I was kind to him and helped him when I truly knew that he was in a bind. I did not let him get one over on me after the $100
After the discard, I went through HELL as we all do when we don’t know what hit us. However, I found so much information and I read thousands of hours. I was hell on finding out what I had gone through. I thought I was in an abyss of dead souls and could not get out. However, I followed this philosophy: When you are going through hell keep moving, cause you are bound to get out-Roosevelt. I thank him forever for this. I went to a therapist, who does EMDR and got better. My second grade teacher who is now my best friend, (male) kept me sane. I went through all the stages confusion, anger, anxiety and many others. However, I slowly pulled myself out from this Hell. Mine, you I am doing my doctorate and I could not afford to fail. I also have someone who loves me deeply, but does not know. I will never tell him. However, last week this village Idiot, sociopath send me an email with a different name telling me that I deserve to know the real reason why he left was because I had ask him too, (liar). Also, in the email he stated: I am not doing this for you to change your mind or to get back with you, (psychopath tell). I broke NC, because I had healed and I knew that I could handle him. I told him that it’s too late for that and that it did not matter, because I had move on and hoped that he had too. I told him that I have had an amazing summer and the email serves no purpose. I also told him that I was not interested in him so not to contact me. This felt good, because now I discarded him. He emailed me again and told him to let him explain. Ladies, you see I can’t stand this sick bastard for the hell I went through. Before, I felt sorry for him and was willing to help him. Now, I looked at his picture in his email and it repulses me. I can’t stand to see the sight of him. If he only knew that I have the same contempt for him as a psychopath has for his victims. Oh, he told me that he is celebrating his 50th birthday in Daytona Beach with family. Last year, I gave him beautiful gift. LOL! I did not even answer. He will continue to write and I will never let the big bad wolf in. Now, is so easy for me to tell him to go F–K himself and turn the tables on him. Ladies, you will heal, you will become better and you will survive this trauma. I thought I couldn’t, but today I am stronger and my house is not made of straws, but of solid bricks which I can toss at this bastard if he tries to come near me.
KO,
Your friend is lucky to have you…
Thank God you can be there for her.
She will see it when she’s ready.
I’m glad you’ve been hit with the spiritual frying pan! I’m going that way too. I got lost in the drama and trauma…
Now is time to stop analyzing and start the next phase of healing like you said.
I’m going to keep praying and asking to give us that little nudge each day to let it Go.
Remember,
I’m going to keep praying for us too. A little teamwork can’t hurt!!!
KeepingOn, Remembertoforget,NOmorewool,Jan7, AnnettePK Kittylover and all of my other LF friends,
I wanted to thank you all for the well wishes with my ex husband.
I am going to try and pay a visit today.
I just wanted to share something that some of you may have discovered and are either in the process of or have moved past but I um DUH on my part had been spending so much tome researching the sociopath an the disorder(not that this is bad because we need education)but I found myself caught up in that.
After my phone consultation with Donna, I know what I had on my hands.
I have decided to take the focus off HIS disorder and focus on MY self care.
I have a Reiki session scheduled for Monday and see my therapist on Tuesday.
I am researching my self care and not him!
I think this is a step in the right direction.
I watched a you tube video yesterday about tapping for anxiety and it was amazing.
Brought me down from a level 8 of anxiety to a 3 within minutes.
Let me know if you can’t find it and I will send the link.
I also did not know that I was supposed to remove everything from my home that is tied to him.
I have a picture hanging in my bedroom that he gave me..gone as soon as I am done here!
The ring…that’s next. BAD ENERGY!
The medicine the doctor prescribed was yucky and I don’t think I can take it.(I have other anti anxiety meds).
So what I am trying to say is that I finally realized that anything that has to do with him is not truly no contact.
I download an ebook yesterday called How to do no contact like a boss!
I will read this today and incorporate my self care into that.
I love me more than the disordered one!
Hugs to you all!
Thank you, thank you!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
It sounds like you are definitely headed in the right direction!
I’ve started focusing on self care too. When I get too caught up in him I find doing self care research rather than spath research is more helpful to me these days. It’s becoming easier to focus on me.
I rid all of the sentimental stuff out of my house and only kept the things that are a necessity. Once I can afford it I plan to replace it all. I hate having any part of him in my home! Thank goodness for sage. 🙂
Speaking of my home, I’m feeling angry again today. I’ve decided to dedicate my day to home improvement. Of course I’m fixing things he’s always promised to help me with. I have no idea what I’m doing and am a bit frustrated. I keep telling myself “if you don’t succeed try try again!” I’m trying to focus my energy on the fact I’m doing this for me and life is so much better without him.
I hope you visit with your ex husband goes well today. This must be so hard on you and your family.
Way to go taking steps to NC and making appointments to further your self care. Keep us posted on how it all goes!
KeepingOn,
Thank you!
I really feel different.
His behavior is so transparent now.
I can totally relate on the home repairs too!
He made me feel like I could not do anything for myself even cutting the grass.
I always was able to maintain my home for years on my own and then he promised to do XYZ, and did nothing…
You will get it done, one project at a time.
I am going to do a sage cleansing tonight as I have been cleaning and washing everything in site.
Yes, defiantly when you can replace everything he touched. I totally get it.
I didnt realize how much better I felt when I starting getting rid of everything.
I actually found a bar of his soap and made the mistake of smelling it..it made me sick to my stomach.
I highly recommend that ebook “How To Do No Contact Like a Boss”.
Very easy no nonsense advise.
UGH, I so want to get rid of my mattress.
I’m taking everything off the bed and the bedroom is where the smudging will begin!
For the home improvement projects, YouTube!
You can do it!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
KeepingOn, Strong,
So it looks like we’re shifting into the next phase of healing/recovery.
It doesn’t serve us anymore going over in our minds about rubbish!
We are ready to put the focus on ourselves.
We are practicing our Faith in letting go.
We aren’t meant to suffer.
Prayers for your ex husband and family. Prayers for us…
Everyday, i’m praying for us and sending healing out!
xoxoxoxo
Remember and Strong,
So much for this next stage of recovery. I talked to my mom for a long time tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve talked about “him.” I’m attempting NC in conversations with others, aside from others on here and with my therapist.
So we started talking about his stalking. Apparently I kept calling him “fucktard.” Where in the world did that even come from? It’s definitely not nice. My mom said I’ve never used that word and is it even a word? I told her it was probably a word in the urban dictionary!
My point being, clearly I am still harboring anger and hate.
Let’s just keep praying. I will let go, I will let go, I will let go…God, he’s all yours!!!
Bright side! I completed some home improvement things today! Not all pretty, but I did it! On my own!!!!
KeepingOn,
Hey there, how about, progress not perfection!
We are STILL moving into the next stage…it’s not going to just be in the blink of an eye.
That’s why I am praying that HE helps us a little each day to let it go.
Come up with something, maybe the Serenity prayer or the Lords prayer and each time you go mulling around in your head just start saying it in your mind.
I keep doing it and so far it is ok.
I think keeping the intention going each day is a step in the right direction.
xoxoxoxoxo
Remember,
Serenity prayer in place of fucktard? I’m in!
In all seriousness, I agree with you. Our stages are a progression. I have to admit, I’m very proud of myself lately, ego aside.
I find it comforting, us moving forward together. Not to say we may not take a step back or ahead sometimes. It just feels good to be moving forward in comfort and to a better place togehter.
I look back to not so many months ago and it seems like so long ago, like I’m a different person who has come so far from the pain I was in. There’s hope!
Smalls steps and proof. Proof that this too shall pass.
hahahaha – they all use the same dictionary! That was one of the sociopaths favorite words.
KeepingOn,
I defiantly can relate on the anger and hate.
I don’t know if it’s the medicine or what but I am thinking about all of the BS he put me through.
Every time he lied and treated me like crap is coming back again and I am pissed at him and myself for putting up with it.
Pray and one hour at a time.
I think fucktard is a appropriate title.
UGH!
Stronginthecity
Remember and KeepingOn,
Good morning,
I decided to try to new medicine again last night.
I took it closer to bedtime, and it was not as bad.
I have to give it a shot.
I am so in the no contact and love myself phase but its been rough.
I am still going back and forth with my emotions. I in no way want him back but still pissed off and so wanting to move past this.
I did want to share a link to an online therapist who offers a free consult.
http://boundariesofthesoul.com/2015/06/08/narcissist-abuse-being-hooked-by-the-illusion-2/
Let me know if you can’t open the link.
I don’t believe he accepts insurance but for me I think it would be a good supplement.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
KeepingOn,
I am so glad we are on the same page of this evolution.
We may slip, but we will keep the intention going.
I’m gonna go meditate and also pray now before sleep and send the intention of healing out to us all!
We deserve it, yeah?!!!
Yaay to your home repairs as well!
Remember,
Yes, we deserve it!!! And we will keep encouraging each other through our evolution!
Home repairs were frustrating and not perfect but I’m slapping myself on the back for a job well done. I stopped thinking about what I needed/wanting to do and took action. I did it!
I’m headed to prayers and bed myself. Good night and peaceful dreams!
Xoxo
Hi all,
What we are all feeling..
https://youtu.be/XGl2DGRol1U
SITC
Thanks for this SITC! Perfect timing as I have been kicking myself the past couple of days.
I will try and believe/like the line that he chose me because he thought I was better than him.
Those are powerful words.
Thanks again. I appreciate all your posts as they are helping me. I haven’t responded much as I really have no words of wisdom to pass.
Amille22,
You are welcome!
I am doing things to make ME feel better instead of trying to figure it out!
I’m glad it helped.
Try the Chakra clearing, amazing!
SITC
Strong and Amille,
Yes, thank you for sharing Strong! Words to live by. I just wish healing was easier.
Amille, no need for words of wisdom! We have all been there, done that and got that Tshirt. I say post away!!!
I’m grateful we have each other.
Strong, Way to go on the NC! May as well give the meds a chance. You’ll know soon enough if it’s not the right med for you.
Strong,KO,
Thank you for the links.
Today I caught myself thinking, maybe he was ok, maybe she left him bc he moved them into the small apt and had a porn habbit.
Maybe he didn’t do the other crap with her and it was just with me?
That is NONsense Thinking. That is my wounded inner-child talking.
So I quickly recite the prayer. Over and over again.
Remember,
Try this…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=10&v=f3hy3P0W2BU
Takes 3 minutes to feel better right now!
It works!
SITC
Remember,
I still go through that sometimes. Was it only me he treated that way? He once told me I was the only person in his life that made him feel like he was t a nice guy. Right. He’s so covert that I can see how some of his ex’s may not have realized. Judging from his description of some ex’s they definitely figures him out.
So yep, nonsense thinking. Thanks spaths! Focus on nurturing your inner child. I sometimes talk to mine like I’m a supportive mother and/or friend. I even give myself hugs. Haha.
Sunday afternoon, and I am at the end of this rope I am in a hole of despair, isolation, hurt, pain and useless direction with this crappy life. All my aspirations to be a man of good virtues and integrity all killed with this betrayal.
Church tells me that these are tribulation and that the best is yet to come. My so-called friends tell me to “FORGET THAT BITCH,” others tell me, that is no big deal Jut let it go.
I cannot, I cannot. Such betrayal.
Where is freaking JUSTICE on this life.
I am so tired.
My mind, my soul and my life is destroyed.
I am sure the VA would be happy to give me some dugs.
I want revenge and find peace in my heart.
Al
Almaldonaldo07, seeking revenge will only put you in jail and destroy your life even more.
The best thing you can do is to start slowly putting your life back together it’s a process to heal. One foot forward at a time. Call the Veterans crisis center Hotline for help tonight. You can tell them you don’t want any drugs but they will be able to provide you with free counseling so that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Taking to a counselor will help you..it will sort out all of your feelings and emotions that you are going through right now. So give them a call asap.
Check into adrenalfatigue. org, Drlam. com to learn about adrenal fatigue and stress.
Wishing you all the best.
Please contact the The Veterans Crisis Line 800-273-8255
Al,
I agree with Jan7, regarding revenge.
We all know the feelings of betrayal and does it suck?
Hell yeah it does but revenge at this point would most likely backfire and get you into trouble or hurt someone that has nothing to do with the situation.
I know the feeling that others not understanding how you feel.
Are you seeing a therapist?
If not that might be something to explore.
If not, keep posting here to get your anger out.
Stronginthecity
KO,
Yes, I will focus on nurturing my inner child, especially when I catch myself thinking too much.
Thank you!
I sware i’ve been reciting prayer most of each day now like a song in my head. It does help me stop the analyzing…