Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Strong,
I did the tapping last night. I’m gonna keep doing it, I imagine I will get better at it with practice and incorporate a meditation into it.
Thank you! I had not seen or tried the tapping method yet.
Remembertoforget,
You are welcome!
I so glad it helped..
There are many other youtube videos on the tapping. The tapping points are all pretty much the same.
I am going for my first Reiki session later today and I certainly hope that helps because this medicine is actually making me feel worse.
I have a call into the doctor right now to see if I should keep taking it.
How are you doing today?
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget and all others seeking validation of their feelings,
I know I posted this link before but take a look at this doctors description of what they do.
It helps reinforce the no contact decision if we are having a doubting moment
http://boundariesofthesoul.com/2015/06/08/narcissist-abuse-being-hooked-by-the-illusion-2/
SITC
Remembertoforget,
OH NOOOOO, my Reiki appointment got canceled!!!
She was having a puppy issue and thank goodness I have my therapy appointment tomorrow.
I am feeling a bit better as that medicine is leaving my system.
Yuck. I’m so glad I called the doctor and stopped taking it.
I have to get dressed and get out of the house.
I feel so safe here though…
I have to go to the pharmacy which means washing my hair and putting on some make up so I don’t look like the crazy lady in case I see any one I know.
Can you tell me about the meditation you do?
I have never really done it before but I am open to it.
Thanks!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I just read the article, it is good and true.
I’m sorry that your med is giving you side effects. That used to happen to me when I tried some years ago- but this time I was so depressed that they helped, without yucky side effects. I think I got lucky!
Reiki is wonderful, i’m a level 1 Reiki practitioner, lol.
I need to go back to my sessions with the energy worker, I sent everyone to her n I haven’t evrn been back!
I am praying and doing atleast 1-2 meditations each night.
Here’s hoping.
I hope you can get the right med that helps you with out discomfort.
xoxoxoxo
Remembertoforget,
Thank you for the kind words.
I just got off the phone with the doctor and he said stop the medicine and he is calling in something else for me.
I think he is a very good doctor and I feel lucky to have found him.
I have not felt this depressed in a long time. It was mainly anxiety before.
I am so glad I have that appointment scheduled today or I probably would not leave the house.
So you know all about Reiki? That’s awesome.
You should go back to the energy sessions… I know how you feel. You probably don’t have the energy to go to the energy sessions. It’s also a bit on the expensive side.
I really don’t know what it’s all about but I am willing to try anything right now.
I am hypersensitive to medications and really don’t want to take anything for depression.
My body responds better to yoga, massage and the tapping has been very helpful.
Thank you again for the kind words and support.
I feel so alone.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
SItc,
Sure!, I do almost all my meditations from you tube!
I use my headphones- type in anything you want…ex; meditation for…(fill in the blank) I prefer 10 min ones then work my way up.
For what we are going through I am doing ones for reprograming our subconsious mind.
Also look up brain wave state ones, alpha theta gamma states.
There is a meditation for anything.
I will share a link when I find a favorite!
I have a headache, lol but must clean and do laundry.
Lol
Strong,
You are so not alone. We are here 100%.
I am hypersensitive to meds that’s why I was shocked to have them work…he said it was because I was so- clinically depressed that they did the right thing for me.
I never had depression like that before.
I was very into my meditation and energy stuff and all, but got completely derailed during and after the tazmanian devil!
I am getting to know myself now and easing my way into things and re-evaluating everything.
xxxxxoooooo
Remember,
Thank you for the meditation info, interesting.
I wouldn’t even know where to start without your info!
I hope you are feeling better.
My doctor prescribed another med but I don’t think I’m going to start it right now. I need to get the other one out of my system.
Yuck, I felt like I was falling into clinical depression 2 days after I started taking it.
I have tried many before and they never helped me.
In 2009 I was so depressed, it hit me like a truck.
I was not working and didn’t have insurance.
It was terrible.
I do believe in God, I pray and try to do the right things in life and I received a miracle when I just started calling everywhere to look for help.
I called a hospital that does research and somehow got a direct line to an angel.
I got a call back the same day and it just so happened they were 1 person short for a study on TMS therapy.
I had no idea what it was but I got in the study and I can tell you it saved my life.
I think now that it is finally FDA approved I an going to ask for a “boost” dose.
Look it up, I have no idea how much it is but I think I remember the doctor say something like $10,000 for 6-8 weeks of treatment. It is now covered by most major insurance.
I don’t ever want to fall in that horrible hole ever again.
Thanks for being there and telling me I am not alone.
I am happy in the respect that I don’t crave him anymore.
I don’t feel the need to know what he is doing and I am not tempted to send that text that would always start the entire nightmare over and over again.
This site has been so helpful in the education and support.
Even when I went through all of the evaluations for the study none of the psychiatrists or psychologists ever mentioned anything about this being a reaction to my abuse.
They were wonderful and I had full telephone access to them throughout but once the study was over and i felt like a person again that was taken away.
I didn’t follow up and when the sociopath returned I was not prepared.
Feel free to ask me anything about the TMS.
I hope and pray that you find peace in your life and get back to taking care of you.
XOXO and a double hug!
Stronginthecity
Strong and Remember,
Meds are a tricky thing. You’re body will tell you if they’re not the right fit. I’ve been on meds that have made more more depressed and/or anxious. I have a good fit now! Strong, Good job listening to your body. That’s the first step to finding the right fit!
Good mediation advice Remember! Strong, you may want to start off with a timer for 5 minutes and allow your mind to wander a bit. Coming up with a short mantra is helpful to keep you on track at first. Mediation is wonderful although it’s a proccess! It sounds like you are a sensitive soul so don’t be surprised if it even makes you cry a bit at first. It’s your body, mind and souls way of connecting to your higher power. I’m only speaking from personal experience.
I’m so happy you both are moving forward. Me too. I’ve had too much time to think today and instead of meditating/self care I’ve been getting lost in thought. I think I need it today though so I’m allowing myself to think. I’m mainly trying to put pieces together of a few people from my past. I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around a lot of things. I believe time will help me understand.
I did have a great morning. I went for a long run and thought about how if I were with my ex my long run wouldn’t even be happening, even tough he wanted me to lose weight. He was so good at consuming all of my time for things I enjoyed doing. I am so grateful to be free of him!
Strong, sorry your appt got cancelled today! Let us know how tomorrow goes!
KeepingOn,
Thank you for your positive words! They are very helpful and welcome.
I am doing the best I can.
I am more worried about myself instead of him, I think thats a good thing.
I am going to give the meditation a try. Thanks for the timer tips, as my mind certainly does wander!
It can become overwhelming to think about the entire picture, so I try not to.
I am focusing on getting back to work.
I have homework tomorrow, I am getting my resume together.
It’s something I have put off for such a long time.
I now have time and that will be my focus!
Isn’t it nice to have time to things that we want to do instead of taking care of a grown 2 year old throwing temper tantrums!
Good for you!
I need to exercise myself..too much sitting around..
I’ll get there.
XOXO,
Stroninthecity
Strong and Remember,
I’m so proud of us for moving forward! Thank you for your encouragement. It sucks we’re good through this but we are and keep taking steps forward one step at a time.
Strong, your homework…You’ve got this! There’s nothing more pleasing than taking steps for ourselves spath free.
Remember, I hear you on your sarcasm. So true! Turns out childhood wounds are a biggie. Years of therapy and you’d think I’d get it. But no…all it took was for a few spaths to damage me. And them ClICK. It all makes sense. Thank GOD it clicked for all of us on here.
I’m so sad right now. I just got home from spending time with my friend who was discarded. For the umptinth time in her 10 year relationship. This is the final discard. She keeps pointing out the hurt he’s causing is calculated yet she says how he still showed he “loved” her “sometimes” over the years.
He is smearing her, using social media, being kind in his responses on occasion. He’s left her homeless and has moved all her stuff out within days. How violating.
She’s still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I see what he is. I express so much but have to withhold. I don’t want to come on so strong.
It’s triggering me. I can’t stand to watch this happen to her!! She’s smart and I think she’s figuring it out. All I can do is to encourage her to research.
It’s hard to explain how I feel. Me going through it is one thing but one of my best friends going through it and accepting she’s in the beginning stages is so hard. My heart hurts for hers. I want her to recognize him for what he is..
It took me 3 spaths to realize what they were. I wish someone had seen the signs at the beginning.
I don’t want to come on too Strong when helping her. I’m trying just to listen. But I want justice!!! I want people to recognize and know how these people tamper with ourlives unknown and in disguise….
SITC,
TMS- wow, I looked it up, I hadn’t heard of that ever.
So it did help you for a while?
I still have a headache!
KeepingOn,
Your wandering mind on others is fine as long as you keep the intention of healing and letting go going.
🙂
I still think about him, each day, not as intense, but keep reciting the prayers.
I do observe my thoughts and I see the root of them is feeling un loved or not worthy or good enough- when we know it’s the polar opposite. Knowing the root is progress!
We are keeping On!
Remember,
That’s what I figured…letting my mind wander for healing porpuses.
I figured out my root is feeling unloved and not worthy as well! I think that stems from my childhood. I’ve been working on that. Now I can’t stop thinking about being duped. I know that I’m better than him but when will it sink in?
Right now I’m dealing with stalking stuff (sigh). It’s a daily thing I’ve learned to accept. It’s been very time consuming and expensive. I’m being surviellenced. I know how he’s doing some of other but I’m still trouble shooting the rest.
Tonight I’m playing detective. Not looking into him but trying to figure out how the hell he’s doing all that he’s doing.
True testament to patience? Electronic stalking and having to let it go every minute of everyday that you’re home knowing that you’re being monitored in order to stay sane.
Welcome to my world! Self care and finding balance have been interesting with all of this going on yet somehow I find it’s working and I’m improving.
KeepingOn,
I hope you are well today!
Yep, the childhood wounds are our assignment to heal. Apparently our lives will be wonderful once we do…
That was a bit sarcastic, but i’m going with it. It must be the way…and our FAITH.
We think we got duped, but hey, we just wanted to believe….who wouldn’t want to believe in a great love, a soulmate type, so caring, smart, and sweet??? Someone, just like ourselves!
It’s not our fault!
It will sink in. Keep working on our root- keep the intention going.
Nothing bad will happen to us if we just let go.
xoxooooo
Remembertoforget,
The TMS helped tremendously and I am not starting any new meds right now.
I am still recovering from the horrible one and saw my therapist today. I did most of the talking but it’s only my second time seeing her.
She agrees that no contact is the only way to go forward.
I want allow myself to feel, to grieve under my control this time.
I hope you are feeling better today.
I find myself thinking less of him and more about me.
How I am going to fix off of the broken promises.
I just know what he is and I deserve much better.
Buh bye sociopath.
Go find your supply somewhere else.
I have all of my questions answered.
Now it’s time to rip off the band aids and get back to me.
I am praying for you and all of the others here to get to a place of peace and move on.
SITC
Strong,
I forgot, the meditations, do guided meditations, you can type that in, it hepls when you start because they tell a story and tell you what to imagine.
🙂
Remember,
Thank you!
Is it better to do them at bedtime?
SITC
Kitty,
I am so glad to hear the results of your tests!
Yes a change of diet and NO stress will certainly settle it.
A friend of mine ended up with ulcerative collitis from too much stress and stuff.
We have to be careful with stress in our lives. We know that though.
The YMCA sounds like a great idea!
I hope you get to feeling better soooon.
xoxoxoxoo
Strong,
Hi! You can do meditations any time. I pick bedtime since i’m already trying to relax! I do guided ones because you have something to focus on…they guide you. I didn’t do one last night, the night before I did the tapping you sent.
Will you be able to follow up on the TMS thing again?
I’ve been getting headaches, but I believe I need to drink WATER! Lol.
I still think about him but then I interfere the thoughts with better, healing thoughts.
We gotta stay on this healing intention!
Glad you saw your therapist again.
Keep up the good work!!!!!!!!!!
xoxoxooo
Remember,
Thank you on the meditation advice.
I sometime get lost when I’m looking up things online, you know one search leads to another!
I am going to do it tonight.
Yes, you could be dehydrated…try to drink more water for sure.
How is your blood pressure? I ask only because I had to go on medicine…hmmm exactly 2 years ago…
I emailed the place where I had the TMS study and she emailed me back and said that if I wanted to do it again it would be the whole 6 weeks. I thought I could do some type of booster treatment but I guess not.
I am feeling much better since that medicine is out of my system.
Yes! Healing for us. So much was taken away it’s going to be a process but I fully intend on getting there. YOU TOO!!!
We can do it.
No more spaths ever.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Kittylover,
I’m glad to hear that you have been taking such good care of yourself.
As far as the RO goes, it does not sound like he is bothering you, and the last thing you need is issues at work.
You need your job! It sounds like you love it and you need to stay on your schedule.
If he starts to bother you can’t you go back to the court and get another one?
I’m just saying that you run the risk that the court won’t extend it because he has stayed away and you will have to see him there again…plus the boss issues.
I think that joining the YMCA is a fantastic idea. It will keep you so busy you won’t have time to even think about the spath and think about all of the new people you will meet.
Stay strong and all will be ok.
You are doing great and as your friend said, don’t feel like you have to be the life of the party.
Let someone take care of YOU!!!!
Stronginthecity
Kittylover,
I’m glad to hear that your boss is going to let you have time off to take care of the RO.
You do whatever it takes to make YOU feel better.
It sounds like this is a priority and I hope all goes well.
You have been taking care of you by going to your doctor appointments and tending to your health the best you can right now.
Believe me, I do feel your pain.
Like you said, he uses his uniform to prey on women, but there is nothing that you can do about that except make sure he does not do it to you.
You are stronger than you think.
We now know that these people exist. We will never let them take advantage of us ever again.
The pain and heartache is tremendous.
We have each other.
I promise that it will get better with time.
Get some rest and take care of YOU!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Kittylover…. I can understand you feeling the RO is needed. You know the way he is! About him being a fireman/paramedic, my ex spath was an EMT!! I think a lot of these evil people go for careers like that because it’s a good cover. And yes, I wouldn’t doubt at all that he does it to prey on women. So awful!!
Hugs to you, Kitty… I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for how strong you actually are! 🙂
Kitty,
So glad your boss is allowing you time!
A while back you talking about getting your RO extended got me thinking. I still don’t believe its safe for me, but it’s been working for you!
I was hoping you’d have the opportunity to renew it and you do! I’ve been concerned about the possibility you may not renew…because then, game on!!!!
I believe you are making a good choice. You’re right, his profession plays a big role! Despite your anguish and loss you are taking good steps for your safety and self.
You go girl!
Kittylover,
Were you able to get the RO extended?
How are you doing?
SITC
Hey Kittylover I was reading your comment and thinking wow this girl is really putting it all together. Go Kitty ! Then I got to the end and – Bryant McGill. Never heard of him but I like him already. I’m glad to see you hanging tough and learning so much. Remember that this stuff isn’t supposed to be fun. It is more like necessary evil education. My point is it takes its toll on you. For the first couple of years into my education in Narcicissm and Sociopathy it would all just overwhelm me sometimes. I would awaken every single day with the magnitude of what wickedness I had not been able to detect until then. I’m several years into this stuff now and striving to find a balance. I’m beginning to feel much of my old self return. I’m finding that I am much stronger of a person in that I don’t need others to validate my reality or my positions. I have learned to trust myself more. While I’m still fragile in some ways, I don’t really worry about my spaths as much anymore. Since I’ve had so many dealings with them I know what to expect. I worry less about the minions these days but they are probably more worrisome than the actual spaths to me. I just see the spathy ones more as two dimensional .
KO, SITC, All…
From an article,
This time it is different. This time we are sat squarely on our behind with soooo much pain that any attempt to just get up and go back to “business as usual” doesn’t really work ”“ in fact it feels downright near impossible.
And the reason is because this is an EVOLUTIONARY process we are going through ”“ we are going through a “death” of our old identity ”“ our old ways of being and relating to ourselves, others and life, and the ways we used to prioritise what was our life and our identity.
Melanie Tonia Evans
Remember,
Thank you for sharing this. Love it! This really resonated with me. I cried. Although to be honest everything is making me cry today. It’s a hormonal thing I think. Spath free crying! 🙂
Where did you find this article?
It reminds me of how grateful I am that my life is taking this turn. Turns out ignorance wasn’t really bliss after all. This “death” of my old self is so difficult and strange. The way my perspective is changing toward me and others. It’s like discovering a whole new world. So many unknowns I’m trying to make sense of.
Thanks again for sharing!
KeepingOn,
I second that!
I wish that we could all jump on a plane like the ladies from that movie..the one with Cameron Diaz where they were staking out the cheater…except not to stake out anyone.. just go to the Bahamas and have girl time on the beach.
That nice Bahamian glow!
SITC
Strong,
I could definitely use a nice Bahamian glow! Better yet, a good time machine to get me to the better place that’s sure to come. Easy way out for sure, but one can day dream, right?
Remember,
Thank you for sharing that!
How wonderful.
I can’t tell you how much I needed to see that right now.
Believe me, the spath was not my first, he just was the best.
I am quite certain that every man I have been in a relationship with including my ex husband is a spath.
It’s time to figure out once and for all why.
Awesome!
Thanks again!
Stronginthecity