Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
KO,
You are welcome!
I’m sorry about your friend too- he packed her clothes up, how awful…
Now she is gonna be going through the pain we know too well.
The articles come from Melanie Tonia Evans, google her name and go to her website, she does a NARP program, using Quanta freedom healing- even if you don’t get into all that, it’s good to sign up for “your new life” emails, i’m on day 11.
Good stuff!!!
KO,
And it’s ok to cry…we are greiving our past.
Our past life, our old self.
Afterall, it’s all we’ve been conditioned to know.
xoxoxooooo
Strong,
I could definitely use a nice Bahamian glow! Better yet, a good time machine to get me to the better place that’s sure to come. Easy way out for sure, but one can day dream, right?
Remember,
True story!!! 🙂
It’s damn hard but I’m very grateful for this transformation. The need for change feels so strong within me right now that it’s almost hard to accept how blind I was. I really do feel that I am evolving! I just hope I can put it to good use one day…for myself and others.
KO,
Also check out Teal Swan on you tube…
A spiritual one, with teachings on all of this stuff.
Thanks, Remember! I’m going to look into all of this tonight. I’ll let you know how it goes!
KeepingOn,
Your statement about the strength you feel in the need for change..!!!!
YOU GO GIRL!
I am right there beside you!
I too feel the evolving.
It feels damn good.
You are already putting it to great use by showing others here that it’s possible to get there as I know many are in different stages of recovery.
I am defiantly procrastinating on the resume..I will get it done today.
I did make some hummus and went to the grocery store today because I had nothing to eat here.
The medicine I was on took away my appetite so I only bought a few things.
Hummus and Mediterranean chicken for dinner tonight.
Sorry I’m rambling!
Now…to the resume.
Hugs to you and no beating yourself up about your temporary blindness.
You can see the sunshine now!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
You’ll get the resume done! Work at a pace that feels good to you. Going to the store and making good food is the best self care, isn’t it? I did the same today and am whipping up some fancy slaw and bbq! It makes me happy.
We are on our way to living good and happy lives! I had a moment this morning that I was so grateful to not wake up with him and have him manage my day/time!! I’m so happy he’s gone.
Remember,
I’m definitely into that kind of stuff and will look into it. Thanks! The emails sound great. I’m looking for good tools online to help me heal and to replace my social media loses.
It sounds silly but I sometimes miss being connected. Sometimes I don’t miss it at all. I think I’m jaded just because I’ve had to change my lifestyle so much and haven’t felt like I’ve had much of a choice but to do so.
Remembertoforget,
Thanks for the info!
I want all the “your new life” emails I can get!
Has anyone been on letmereach.com?
I just found this site over the weekend and it’s bee really helpful.
The short book about no contact like a boss really helped me a lot.
I also got an answer to my question about why he was so mean when we would “break up”.
It all became so clear.
Here’s to our new lives!
A nice big glass of water!
SITC
So.. I’m triggered.
I thought I was on the right path. Still researching and reading. I’m grieving my losses and I cleared my place of his stuff and have been taken time for myself to take care of myself. Emotionally and steps towards physically excercising after my c treatment ( still healing and waiting for the doc to give me the ok). I get home today and there is a letter taped to my door. I don’t recognize the hand writting. I open my mailbox and there is another letter. This one has his writting. I go inside. At this point im bothered but telling myself I don’t have to be and its to be expected my lawyer sent him a court notice last week to sue him for my stuff especially my pets remains. He was bound to do something. I called my friend so I could get out of the house/area in case I’m being watched but more so I was bothered and felt icky. We went for coffee she told me to bring the letters. I did. I told her I didn’t want to read the one with his writing on it. We continued drinking coffee. I ended up opening the other one. She ended up in the end reading his. It was the same letter. It was telling me that I was to blame for our relationship difficulties and he was angry because no one contacted him to tell him if I had died or not. He got my messages before sug and did not agree to them. ( Those were me telling him that I needed to be treated equally and with respect and that I loved him and especially now I needed to know the silent treatments would stop). Ok so he didn’t agree. Ok fine. I have been doing no contact for several months. You’d think he’d get the point. The whole letter was as if these few months didn’t exist. He was angry. Nothing about the court date. Nothing about my things. No apology nothing. Just blame. The last paragraph was asking me to meet him and call him because my number isn’t working ( yes I disconnected it after I woke up from the hospital and your fight with my doctor) why play dumb?! The clencher he wanted to discuss his upcoming nuptials!!!! If I had any questions he is willing to answer them face to face.
I know I shouldn’t be surprised. I know I shouldn’t be angry. I know I shouldn’t be hurt as it has just been a few months. But I am. I’m hurt. My mind keeps thinking of how he should have been there for me during fighting for my life and c, and he’s getting married to someone in a span of a few months?! My friend thinks he’s a jerk and for me to burry my feelings but I can’t. That’s not healthy. I am also getting an overwhelming feeling of I should tell her what he is. I’m beside myself just trying to calm down. I’m also ashamed. I don’t want to be attached. I just wanted my things and grow and move along healing.
Blue,
I’m sorry to hear about that crap!
I would be triggered too. It’s a process, it takes time- you have had so much going on.
One day one step at a time.
Go through the feelings, don’t try to stuff them.
Cry, scream, and release them out of your body.
Hugs and prayers to you…
You are doing it!
Well I gave myself 24 hrs. That was my limit. Normally in the past I would literally cry myself to sleep not eat, and be devastated whenever he would disappear on his silent treatments. This time I figured 24 hrs that’s all the negativity I can handle. It’s been months I have kept my nc. All I asked for was my things. The hospital sent it to him being he was my proxy then and they thought he was my boyfriend. They thought by the time I would get home he would have received it and all would be well. All I asked for now was for my pets remains. ( my beloved died while I was hospitalized and my good friend brought it to the hospital thinking it would give me solice. She was my baby). I never expected this. All the other times I would beg for him to talk to me. I had been abused as a child and didn’t understand why someone would treat me that way. As huge years progressed it was obvious he did this on purpose. He refused to talk about it or acknowledge it he would stare at me if I wanted to ask him why he did that treatment. In eleven years we had seperated once ( besides his silent treatments which were a lot). He ignored me for 7 months. I never got a response or explaination or anything. He just refused to reply to my phone calls emails or me showing up. When he made contact it was because he found out I was moving out of the area and a go from school who he knew had feelings for me and we were hanging out with my friends. That night pop! An email proclaiming his undying love and he needed to explain. I bought it. We met up and I ended up pushing the good friend away and taking him back. This time it’s clear that I know what he is. He knows I know. He knows I’ve seen the mask slip a lot. I didn’t know I was shinning light on it but now looking back my questions where to unconfuse myself from the crazy making. To him it was very obvious I was coming close to uncovering what the heck. This site, you guys have made me see the light. He’s abused me covertly and very outwardly and he’s lied more than telling me the truth. He obviously cheated and while he made me believe I could trust him he showed me me being sick was well not a good thing. The last 24 hrs I have been so confused and so hurt. A part of me wants that love. To be loved. To believe what he said before surgery. Another part of me believes my doctor and I understand why they fought. It obvious that the doctor called him out. But why now why would he use this as an excuse to talk? Just give me my things and leave me alone. It’s simple. Don’t drop notes off don’t bother me. You made your choices. Then there’s a part of me that is screaming inside that is just asking why her? Why is she good enough to propose to? When I had loved him for eleven years? I trusted him. I wanted a healthy life ( that’s why I questioned things and asked for us to go to therapy), I took care of myself and paid his bills. Why is this women better than me? He always made feel like everyone would come before me. But if he wasn’t updated by my medical status boy was that unforgettable. 24 hrs I gave myself to cry. To be upset and pity myself and then be angry. I finally reached being angry at him.
I checked my video cameras while I was gone to my appointment. ( the appointment to find out if they got all the tumor cells out), and my feedback was positive ( thank god I don’t think my heart could handle that being negative and the surprise that he left). I go back in two weeks to find out more about my blood work up.
Now this. It’s like he knows. Sigh. I know he won’t answer my questions and really aren’t they moot? He’s engaged! So what does it matter now? He shouldn’t even be talking to me. That’s not right to her. Whoever she is. The women who is better I guess. That’s what he would probably say. I don’t think I’m strong enough to see him. Just the thought. It finally discusts me. I mean who treats someone like that who is fighting cancer? He could have told me the truth and be done with me not lied to me or the doctors. I made an appointment to see my lawyer on Tuesday. I don’t know what to do. A part of me wants my questions answered. All of me just wants my things back. I just don’t understand why everything with him is like a game. That’s not what I did or would ever do to anyone.
I’m still heart broken. His promises and what actually happened. He had his choices. He treated me horribly. Healing alone after surgery. Him holding on to the remains. He knew how much that animal meant to me. It’s cruel. I feel like if I don’t go I’ll loose whatever I have left of my baby. I feel if I go he either will bring it or he won’t buy hell just make me cry and I don’t want him to see me crying. If I wait for the court date ( over here it takes a long time for courts to session) it’ll be at least a year. What if he gets rid of the remains? I’m at a loss.
Also he wasn’t the one to drop the letter off. It was a female. A female I dont recognize. Again maybe I’m just confused. This is what he does to me.
And who does this? I mean really. No apology no explaination just wanting to discuss his up coming marriage? Why? Why does he think I should be included?
Yeah I’m still angry.. I think I need to do more clensing of my apartment. Sigh
Oh, Blue…I am so sorry for your heartache. Good news is that you’re on your way to allowing yourself to grieve and made a time boundary for YOU.
There are many points I want to respond to but am writing from a cellphone and this will probably be a shorter response than I’d like. My heart aches for you.
First, why this other girl and not you? Maybe a better supply, meaning she’s easier to manipulate. Spaths seem to have more than one agenda. Most likely she is an easy target and is also being used against you. My ex picked a much prettier younger woman that he began a relationship before we were apart. I know that part of his picking was intentional to make it hurt more.
As for the woman on the camera…it’s more than likely his new partner. My therapist warned me about this when I had things showing up on my doorstep. After getting my cameras it turned out not to be a girl like I expected. Still, they use their minions and partners. If it is his fiancé, God knows what pity party he’s playing.
As for your remainings…that’s hard. I pray for the best. I pray he still has your momentos and pet’s remains. As you have already contemplated, there’s a chance they may already be gone. Maybe not. Postmark of an abuser though is getting rid of sentimental things.
It doesn’t near compare but my ex had precious pictures of mine he used against me to keep contact. He would say he had them for me, then would claim they were gone, then would say he really had them, etc. Bottom line, he had destroyed them.
I keep my hopes up for you. Unfortunately, he is a very bad man. You are grieving in so many ways, mostly because of him…your relationship, his new “love”, your belongings and your health.
Your situation is unimaginable and you don’t deserve it. So many loses…
I’m so sorry for your loses. I don’t mean to discourage you. Your situation is painful and it sucks.
You are free of him. Not completely but at least your living and breathing without his presence. You have a lot of healing to do. At least it’s without him. You have you, and you have your good memories he’ll never be able to take from you.
I’m praying for you tonight. We are togehter in this, along with so many on here. You are not alone.
Xoxoxoxo
Blue,
Of course you’re triggered! That’s horrible!!
The notes sound awful and intrusive. Anyway you would consider security cameras?
He wants to talk to you about his upcoming nuptials? So classic. What, does he want you to be in the wedding?? What a manipulative dick.
As for your friend. You sound hesitant to tell her what he is. I’d follow that gut feeling. My friends and family laugh about all the spath education I give them. They laugh in an endearing way. Still, I’m careful with who I talk to about it. So many people don’t understand and I find it only hurts me more when I get the whole “let it go” schpeal and am invalidated.
You said you feel ashamed of yourself. Funny, that’s how I was feeling this morning. Ashamed. And then I was ashamed at myself for feeling ashamed. Then I reminded myself to be kind.
I think it’s natural to feel all of what you’re describing.
Thank you for coming here and sharing. We are here for you! It sounds like you are taking good steps. Be kind to yourself and let your lawyer take care of your ex.
Keeping on,
Thank you for your reply. Yes I feel ashamed. I feel so ashamed that I still care and he can still just confuse the heck out of me. I see now just how badly he’s treated me. It’s not right. The thought of seeing his face turns my stomach.
I don’t knew his true reasons all I care about is my pets remains. He can keep everything else including photos of my friends I made in cancer groups. If he is that pathetic. But he is being cruel. He knew how much that animal meant to me. All of this. Is just I don’t understand how anyone could do that to another person. I don’t have family. I have friends and he and my pet I considered family. I’m scared if I wait for the attorney hell just get rid of the urn and ashes. If he’s capable of the last year then surely he’d be that cruel.
As for my friend. Some know who he really is. Some don’t care. They just chalk it up to him being a bas**** and tell me to pack my stuff up and move. All my friends despite dealing with cancer say to put a scarf on and start looking for someone new. I’m still young, but I am broken. My energies were more spent worrying and panicking over him the last two years then my cancer. I have only been looking after myself as I should have all along only recently. I get that schpeal every time I talk to a friend about him. If at best one truly understands because he studied to be a psychologist. Even then. Reading the books mentioned here has helped. I’m on a waiting list for a psychologist. I don’t really bother mentioning my feelings. I do keep a journal and Thad been helping. This site helps. A lot.
Hugs.
Bluelight,
Double hugs to you.
How can someone treat you so badly?
I am so sorry.
What he is doing is atrocious behavior.
Please don’t think this girl he is “engaged” to is going to get better treatment.
He will do the same thing to you.
I recently discovered an article that explains this. They are stuck in childhood.
You are probably not up to reading right now but I posted a link to it yesterday.
Please stay around the friends who care for you.
Let them take care of you right now.
I am praying that all will be well with your health.
Let him go Blue.
I know it’s hard and hopefully you will someday soon get your beloved pets remains back.
I know your baby can’t be replaced but can you possibly adopt a pet that needs a forever friend?
I have my kitties and I don’t know what I would do without them.
I love them more than most people I know.
Please get some rest and take care of you.
We are all here for you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
KeepingOn,
Thank you for the encouragement! I need it right now.
The resume, ah yes. I am determined to get this done today.
I have been sleeping in for the last few days, and I am allowing myself to.
I think my body needs it.
EVERY TIME I tried to do something positive for myself or for my job…it was sabotaged.
The spath tried to call 3 times this morning, blocked by my privacy star app! When he calls the line just automatically gets disconnected!
Haha. Didn’t bother me a bit.
I have no idea nor do I care why he was calling. No desire to call or text, thank God.
Regarding your friend..I’m sorry.
I know how hard it is to see someone you care about go through this but all you can do is be there for her.
It may sound a little harsh but I remember and I’m sure you do when people would tell you to walk away and you just were thinking..about the plans he promised, the I love yous the thought of how you felt. You didn’t want it to end.
I am done beating myself up over it, I hope that your friend will get there soon too.
I know you want to be there for her but you have to think of yourself too right now because you have worked so hard to get where you are now and you said it was triggering you.
Please, no backsliding.
Regarding the legality of him moving her out..can he do that?
Is it legal for him to render her homeless?
How horrifying.
Try to encourage her to stay off social media right now.
Hugs,
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Good work listening to what your body needs and for keeping distant from your ex! Feels good, doesn’t it?
As for my friend, you’re right. I need to take a step back and remember what the loss was like in the beginning. I’m not too worried about being triggered. It’s not a bad thing. If anything I’m realizing how far I’ve come and how I could give a rat’s ass about his opinion or what he says about me now. He smears away and I walk away! None of my concern now.
They’re common law married. Nit sure what the legalities are. They had a place together up until a few months ago. He suggested saving money and moving into a small condo he owns. She agreed mainly because she’s been supporting him financially for years. A couple of weeks ago her friend had a bad feeling and encouraged her to make a copy of her key. Sure enough, two days later he went into her purse, took her keys and told her to get out.
We went to her old place and all her stuff was gone. He gave her the key to a storage unit. It’s so sad. Not to mention he’s posting on fb about escaping his abusive relationship. She’ll get off social media when she’s ready. So many life changes at once is hard!
KeepingOn,
Yes ma’am!
It feels wonderful. I feel like I am on the other side if that makes any sense.
Your friend is certainly lucky to have you!
A storage unit..how humiliating.
I agree that too many changes at once is difficult.
That man sounds pure evil.
SITC
Strong,
Still at work, so quick reply…but yes, it is that, suddenly we have to deal with and heal our past, our friggin childhoods!
I didn’t even realize that I was affected by my childhood and my BAD mom!
These relationships, the spaths resemble or represent something of our parents or maybe a parent.
It’s crazy right? All of a sudden we have to go in and evaluate our wounds!
I’ll bb later. Enjoy the weather!!!
Remembertoforget,
Happy Sunday.
I hope you are getting some rest today.
Thanks for the reply to my rant yesterday.
It was one of those days.
I was happy that I got the car fixed and even though it needed a bit more work, it was still much less than I thought.
I picked her up and took her in to get a good wash and cleaning inside.
It made me feel so good to get that done.
Unfortunately I did not have a good evening.
I ended up staying home alone last night and cried for the first time in a long time.
After I wrote that post a lot of suppressed emotion came out.
I felt so drained.I wish I had more energy to get some of these unfinished projects done around here.
I am really trying to look at this as an opportunity to deal with my childhood wounds but it’s hard.
I am going to have to look for a different therapist.
I don’t think she quite get’s it..I think she is fascinated by my story.
The psychiatrist on the other hand was right on top of it.
I am going to call him tomorrow to get a referral.
Ugh I have to go for an MRI tomorrow to find out whats going on with my lower back.
It’s all crazy alright.
It’s a beautiful day today and I am motivated to do nothing.
I am going to try to go to swim in the lake tomorrow after the MRI because it helps me feel better.
I feel so alone but it’s certainly better than being subjected to cruel abuse.
Thankfully he has left me alone.
Thankfully I have no desire to reach out to him either.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
KO,
I feel EXACTLY that way as well about the social media…
I’ve entertained creating a new annonymous profile, but nah…
There’s other people I don’t want to see.
The emails are a number of days about healing the inner wounds.
This and that, is my social media!!!
I think we are better off, alot of those people are addicted to promoting themselves and pretending to have such a great life!
Remember,
That’s EXACTLY what I don’t miss! The image and realizing there are so many people I don’t want to talk to or have access to me.
I’ve thought about a fake profile too. Maybe as an old man…so I can at least keep up with my family. I think it’s all still fresh now so I’m staying away.
I’m excited to sign up for those emails! I’m way into self help stuff.
KeepingOn,
I have deleted all of my social media except linkedin.
I was never really into the FB thing anyway and I would always end up making a comment that someone took the wrong way or even worse contacting people I have no business contacting such as his ex wife! UGH, son’t need any of that drama.
I think doing so has helped me tremendously.
My true friends are in contact with me by email or text so for me it was something I needed to do.
I did create a “fake ” FB before so that I could check up on certain people but I no longer feel the need to even log into that.
I will be signing up for the positive emails from Remember as well!
SITC
Strong,
I just read that- the workbook! Lol, I don’t have a printer…lol, I will downloaf it and split screen it and take notes also. Hahaa
I hope it’s good!!!
I hope you had a good day also!!
Remember and Strong,
I’m doing the webinar, too. Wondering what it’ll be like. I’m feeling positive about it!
Strong,
Yes, I receive emails from Let me Reach also…
Definitely check out Melanie Tonia Evans- and Teal Swan is on youtube…
Here you guys go…
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com
KeepingOn,
I have deleted all of my social media except linkedin.
I was never really into the FB thing anyway and I would always end up making a comment that someone took the wrong way or even worse contacting people I have no business contacting such as his ex wife! UGH, son’t need any of that drama.
I think doing so has helped me tremendously.
My true friends are in contact with me by email or text so for me it was something I needed to do.
I did create a “fake ” FB before so that I could check up on certain people but I no longer feel the need to even log into that.
I will be signing up for the positive emails from Remember as well!
SITC
Remember,
Thank you!
I had not sen this site before.
SITC
Remember,
I can not thank you enough for directing me to that website.
I received an email today about why they do what they do and I am so grateful to finally understand it.
It answers so many questions, the missing piece of the puzzle.
I can now go on with my recovery as I have all of the answers.
That truly was still stuck in my mind. WHY?
I had ideas, but to read it, wow!
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-narcissistic-supply/?utm_source=New+Life&utm_campaign=46f2ce877c-16+days+to+your+new+life&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_005709a593-46f2ce877c-407709721.
Here is the link if anyone else cares to read.
If you are stuck with why they do what they do this will answer it for you.
The fact that he is a spath was not enough for me.
Thanks again.
Time to grill the chicken!
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Yes, Remember! Thank you!! That site is a Godsend. Day 2 of Your New Life! It’s so I formative and inspiring. Even better than I expected.
KO,
Wow! You’re getting them already?!
I didn’t click it right from my phone so I didn’t get my day 1 for a few days! Lol
The articles inside the emails are great too.
I’m so glad you’re indulging in it.
I saw her stuff right at my breakup, but was nowhere near ready for it!
We’re ready now!
It’s nice to not think of him today huh?
Last night I caught myself in an ego zone, and I forgot, what was I doing when this happens? Oh yeah, recite my prayer over n over!
Duuuh.
And Strong Yaaaay for getting your stuff handled!
I listen to Teal Swan on the wayto work her youtube videos, so many that she has. Her father was a psychopath and abused her. She did a recent video with Ross Rosenberg. Good stuff!
He spoke from a psychology standpoint and her a spiritual, and both had same understandings of it all.
Remember,
I wouldn’t have been ready either. Such a journey. I’m actually getting excited about what life has to offer me! Not that I don’t have bad days and not that God won’t show me another mam like this…I’m just realizing for the first time the expectations/downfalls I was setting up for myself. You get it….
I thought I entered something wrong but day 1 came the night after I registered. Must be a time difference thing? Before I got into it all I was sold on the whole muscle memory thing.
I’ve always done spiritual tricks like that the my ex made fun of me for and would come up with different explainations. There’s something about connecting to your spirit that makes things tick/spiritual connections other might question. Not sure if that makes sense to you.
I started listening to Teal Swan last night but got tired. I wasn’t aware of her past. Listening to YouTube while driving…I never thought of that! Good thinking! 🙂
It’s strange. I always thought of all of this as a lesson. Now I’m thinking about it as a gift. I really like this is my evolution. It’s a strange feeling.
I’m wondering about getting off this site at some point? Just living for me. And my healing. Self work a different researching when I need to.
I’m not feeling quit there. And again, in a way this is my social media healing outlet. I love what this site stands for. The education and support. I know I’ll continue to reference it and feel good that I’ve shared it with a couple of others now.
KO,
I guess at some point we will leave this group, but I don’t think I’m there yet either.
I think it is great that we are entering the next phase of recovery.
I think you were saying about people having different ways they practice their spirituality?
There was a video today where Teal was talking about spiritual bypassing, and I believe that I was falling into that way before meeting him.
I was almost meditating and practicing detachment to escape deep rooted un happiness…
Being too nice, loose boundaries, and almost living in a la la land. I also thought, someone’s coming. Someone’s coming, a love for me. LOLLLLL… Like all my life was missing was that right person.
Anyhoo, Teal mentions here and there in a video or two about her extremely abusive childhood.
This was a gift, and a lesson, both. If we learn the lesson it becomes a gift. If not, we do the same old stuff over and over.
I had completely stopped all my spiritual stuff, anything’s I did. He pretended to be into what I was into, before we met, that’s how he got me. He would post positive or spiritual stuff on fb, until one day I messaged him about a topic.
He used to have on his phone and write to people his quote…”something wonderful”
This isn’t meant to be about him, it’s an example of the people who act like they are positive and inspirational and they are the opposite!
So I am easing my way back into this stuff. I have to keep it real, and balanced, not la la or woo hoo. I hope you understand. LOl
Sorry for rambling I am tired, helped my neighbor decorate her daughters baby shower after work, and i’m busy all day at work tomorrow!
Sleep well, God Bless you.
xxxxoooooo
Remember,
Are you going to be in on the webinar tomorrow?
It’s at 8PM Central time.
Melanie said that it will be recorded as well.
SITC
Strong,
Hi! I will be in the webinar it’s 9:00 eastern time for me.
Yipppppe!
Remembertoforget,
I will be there too!
Looking forward to it.
It will be recorded as well.
I hope that you are having a good day today.
I am grateful for all the info that everyone has posted.
I broke up/fired with my therapist today.
I feel good about it.
I will find another.
It felt good to recognize that we were not a good fit and to take action.
I really love the Teal Swan channel on youtube…great info.
I am open and ready for it.
I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.
This experience has forced me to look at myself in a way I knew on some level had to be dealt with.
Better late than never!
I did not do much in the way of social activities this weekend but I spent a lot of time dealing with my feelings.
That’s important work.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Remember,
Hi.
I have a question about the webinar.
Do you know if it’s going through Facebook?
I ask because I replied with my real email address, not the one I use for FB.
Thanks!
SITC
KeepingOn,
Yaay! Me too, I hope we get something out of it.
🙂
Hello all… looks like I’ve missed a lot. I’m wondering what the webinar is that I’m seeing everyone talk about.
I hope everyone is doing well. For me, it’s been pretty rough the past week or so but still solid with the NC. It makes me happy but also makes me feel crazy because I don’t know how to deal with not knowing what he’s doing/thinking. That’s the point of NC but it’s not easy (really bugs me that I can still care what he’s doing/thinking). I’ve also been incredibly mad and not sure how to get past it. I’m going to be seeing a psychologist next week for the first time, so that should help.
Just wanted to say hello to everyone and hope things are good with you all!!
🙂
Strong,
Hi!
I just got in, I sure hope it’s not!! I’m not on fb.
I wasn’t under that impression.
I got an email last week saying I just have to click there I think.
I have to read it.
I’m charging my computer so I can listen to it!
Remember,
Thanks for the quick reply!
Hope your day was good and positive!
Thanks for the info.
There is a 3 page workbook also.
Looking forward to it!
Charge that computer!
SITC
Hi all my LF friends,
I am in need of advice/support.
I have a dilemma.
I am currently on medical leave from work and have about 3 weeks left.
I have made so much progress in my recovery from the spath.
I am uncertain that
a. My job may be terminated when I return
b. I don’t like my job and consider it a toxic environment.
c. I want to return to my profession but have been out for about 5 years.
Ok, heres the deal.
I have the engagement ring that he gave me for Christmas.
I know I need to get rid of it.
My car is in need of about 800.00 of repairs and I can’t afford/desire a new one but realistically I will need it to get to work since my chances of finding another job making my current salary in 3 weeks slim to none.
Let’s through in there that the ex husbands health(not the spath) is grim.
So I finally looked at my options of selling the ring.
I found one on Ebay exactly the same.
It was 3250.00 new and I could probably get 1000.00 on Ebay for it with fees, etc right in the ball park of what I need to fix my car.
I know this should be a no brainier but I am having a really hard time with it.
Can someone please talk some sense into me?
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Yikes. This is a tough one! I’ve learned what’s best for me is to do things on my own time and when I’m ready. You’ve mentioned wanting to get rid of the ring. It may seem like a no brainer but you need to feel good about it. Is there a way to pay for your car and maybe use the ring money for something positive in your life? From the sounds of it, no. I’m just wondering your options. In my world I call it wishful thinking! 🙂
It sounds like you’d really like to get away from your job. If you’d like to return to your old profession it seems worth pursuing. 5 years isn’t so long…just a hiccup of time away. What steps would you need to take to get back to it?
KeepingOn,
Thank you.
You are totally right.
The thought of going back to that job is causing me great anxiety and to get back to my profession would mean me getting my butt in gear right now.
I just can’t afford to be without a paycheck and to get the car fixed I would have to either put it on my credit card or borrow the money…
I don’t feel good about selling the ring that way and not that I’m sentimental about it..it’s pretty but just a ring.
Clearly no meaning behind it.
I have the option of returning the ring to the store for store credit and getting some nice things for my house which I have not done in such a long time.
I would love to have the sticker price and surrond myself with some new things. I deserve it.
My savings were spent paying for my daughters wedding and that’s ok.
I have to finish my resume and get to applying!
Thank you for your prospective.
It means a lot!
I went to the lake for a swim and a bit of sun today but tomorrow is all business!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Yay for self care today!! You’ll get everything done. Again, everything in your own time.
What I’ve learned in my life is that when I do things I want to do for ME everything else seems to fall in place and better things continue to come. Enjoying your profession and surrounding your home with things you love sounds like a great start!
Sure, it’s going to be work but it all starts with positive thought about what you want in your life.
You’ll figure out the car stuff and what route feels best to you. Bright side is that you have options and are taking care of yourself!
KeepingOn,
Thank you!
I’m going to get a good night sleep and get to work first thing in the morning!
Sweet dreams to you.
I appreciate your help.
very helpful and motivating.
SITC
KeepingOn,
Thanks again for your support/advice!
I am feeling more like myself everyday.
My sister who is a manager has agreed to help me with my resume.
Regarding my car, my ex husband(not the spath) always fixed my cars for me. he is a master mechanic but he is unable to do so anymore.
I decided to just have the brakes fixed for now and found that the parts are only 30.00!
I called the auto supply place and talked to the sales person and asked if they recommended a mechanic in the area, there are so many. The mechanic I was using has gotten a bit big for his britches even though I have send so many people there.
Anyway a female answered the phone at the auto supply store and I told her what I needed.
She told me she uses the service station 2 blocks from my house and you can bring your own parts.
I had brought my car there before for flat tire repairs but never thought to bring it there for brakes because I have a German car.
The girl told me he only charged her 60.00 to replace the pads….!!!!!
I may have to do the rotors too but still much cheaper than the other outrageous quotes I received.
This is the old me! The girl that can take care of business.
I called the service station and the man confirmed that I can bring my own parts and he can fix it tomorrow!
I am so relieved. The other stuff can wait. I am hoping to find a job that does not require a 50 mile a day commute in rush hour traffic both ways.
Sorry I am rambling but I wanted to thank you so much.
I have received so much great advice here and it’s so gratefully appreciated.
My therapist, mind you I have only seen her twice .. has not given me anything to work on.
I have to drive to her office, pay a 40.00 copay and I just talk and go home.
I don’t feel she is very helpful.
I will see her again next week but if she does not start giving me some feedback I am going to look for another because I believe she bills my insurance like 240.00 per session.
The spath had been calling (blocked) but now has stopped thank goodness.
I’m sure he just wanted to keep me in the back round, gross.
It was a full moon last night…it was so beautiful.
I want so badly to get back to that strong, independent professional woman that can support myself and not worry about money.
The last 2 years have been hell but I feel confident that I am on the right track!
Thanks again for everything.
I hope that you are having a wonderful day.
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Strong,
The take care of business girl! I hear you on that. Feels good taking your power back, right? We did it before and we’re doing it now. We don’t need them a different never did. They rendered us seemingly helpless.
Your car stuff worked out easier and much cheaper than thought it would! See…you’re doing it! Like attracts like. Thanks, Universe!
As for your therapist…do you like her? Has she given you any insight? Have you ever contacted your local shelter/safe house (if there is one near you)? They typically offer free counseling and would understand your situation. I’m sure you’ve already looked into this. Just thought I’d out it out there.
Happy Friday!
I didn’t think about the ex all day today until after work! At least not consciously. Feels great!
KeepingOn, Remembertoforget,
Thank you for the positive words and encouragement.
It’s been so long that I had forgotten who me is.
When I do things for myself I have to fight the feeling that I am being selfish.Crazy, right?
Remember, I totally feel you on the loose boundaries and being too nice.I too was living in la la land and pushing it all down,obviously not healthy.
Time to come to terms with it all.
Definitely going to check out Teal on YouTube.
Remember the site that KO recommended is based in Australia and that’s the reason for the delay in the email timing. BTW, I had sent I link on here from that website (a link from)about a therapist who specializes in narcissist abuse recovery.
I emailed him and never heard back..I recently started getting a bunch of spam too so I’m sorry if anyone send him any info. I will also inform the website owner of this.
My stomach is in knots right now.
My car is needing more work on the brakes but the guy just called me and didn’t jack up the price too much on the extra parts.
One thing I can say that I did this on my own.
He always had “a guy” for everything…would always jab his jaws and produce nothing.
I always took care of my own stuff, he made me feel so dependent on him even though he rarely followed through and has left me with such a mess to clean up.
Regarding my therapist.. I am going to see her Tuesday but if she does not start coming up with some options/plan for me I will seek out someone else.
The last 2 sessions were spent me blabbing about him.
This is not about him. I need help understanding and coming to terms with the abuse in my childhood which still continues now.
I rarely talk to my parents. They are not nice people.
My sister keeps in contact with them but my mother always manages to make her feel bad.
The psychiatrist said that my father never saved us when we were kids was because he was probably afraid of her.
I remember when I was in such a horrible place after the first discard in 2006.
I called her on the phone, sobbing barely able to speak.
She told me she didn’t have time to talk to me because she had chores to do.
I asked her if she could please talk to me and she said that she had already spent 15 minutes on the phone with me.
Another time after I went back to school in 2007-2008 and completed a year long program to further my career.
I had to leave my well paying job because it was a full time program requiring lots of class and clinical time.
I worked 12 hour shifts on the weekend to support myself.
I finished and I was so proud of myself.
She said..this is really hard..her exact words”I guess you think you are better than everyone else now”.
I cried. It made me feel so terrible.
When I brought it up later she said that she did not say it. Yes she did.
I am wondering if mom is a spath too.
I am wondering if I was so conditioned to accepting this behavior (I knew it was wrong) if that’s why all of my relationships have been with abusers?
I remember telling my father when my ex husband first put his hands around my neck and threw me into the wall in front of my baby girl that I wanted to divorce him.
He told me this is part of marriage and that I should go back home.
I did go back home and try to make things work.
We bought house, I went back to school because I only had a HS education at that point and knew that if I was going to leave him I needed an education.
So I did. I went to school and worked my butt off.
I graduated with honors and got a job right away.
The abuse continued and I still tried to make things work with my husband.
I would write him letters pleading to go to counseling and he never tried, I tried to make a date night for us.
I got a sitter, got a new outfit and I’ll never forget coming down the stairs ready for our date.
My daughter then about 7, was there.
he said, “oh look at your mother. She looks like a slut”. Look at the way she is dressed.
I told him that I dressed up for him, I wanted to go have a nice dinner with him and talk like we used to.
He kept on telling my daughter that I looked like a slut, a tramp and to go wash my face.
I was mortified. I ran back upstairs and cried in bed all night.
He was dealing with his own demons. Drinking, the loss of his dad at a young age of cancer and who knows what else.
Once we were married he changed. I guess his mask slipped too.
I am sorry for rambling and who knows if anyone will even read this but these are the things I need to work on.
Now he is dying of cancer too.
I feel terrible for him.
I don’t hate him.
He did tell me many years ago that he was sorry for being a bad husband.
I know he meant it.
I only wanted what everyone wants.
A happy family, a comfortable home and love.
I’m feeling and I think that’s a good thing.
I know that life can be difficult with many twists and turns.
I look around my home at the many projects to be done.
It;s overwhelming sometimes.
I am trying my best to let go of the anger and the broken promises made by someone with evil selfish intentions.
It’s a beautiful day outside.
I intend to enjoy it.
I will get things done when I am ready to do it.
One thing at a time, this time on my terms.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
stronginthecity
BEWARE! The one gift that may not be yours is an engagement ring. This could be used as a HUGE trap.
Did you pay for it? Because if he paid for it, in most states, he has the right to an engagement ring returned. If you sell it, he can require FULL purchase price back. He gave it to you but that’s the ONE gift that remains HIS.
The value of jewelry is determined by an appraiser, not on one that looks similar on Ebay, based on quality of stone(s) and metal (gold/platinum, etc)
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
He did pay for it.
I offered to give it back to him face to face.
He would not accept it.
I will not sell it on Ebay.
He does not care about the ring and I don’t either.
For now it sits in the bottom of my jewelry box with my junk jewelry.
Thanks!
SITC
Strong,
All that stuff sounds like great news!!
You will get back to the old you, but even smarter!
I did 3 meditations yesterday but the 2 before bed I didn’t really get into. That happens.
Gotta keep on practicing.
Glad you are having a good day!!!!
🙂
Remember,
Thank you!
I just finished my first meditation!
Since my car is broken I don’t have to worry about going anywhere.
Just here to take care of me…
Feels so good.
Hugs,
SITC
Strong,
Hi!
I listened to the whole thing too. I do believe it, the whole concept, the science, the spiritualality…I wasn’t able to find the pain last night to identify it and shift it. Lol, but I will keep trying. I haven’t been able to get into my meditations this year. I will keep practicing.
I’m not going to order the program as of yet, but maybe at some point.
I have a psychologist/reiki master/energy worker who believes the same and does work on you. I sent everyone to her. They love her. I haven’t been back since I was w the ex.
I should go. She will see me for cheap!!!
Very glad you liked it!!! I like it. It’s true on a cellular level!!
Strong and Remember,
I stayed on too. I love her messaged and was touched by the shifting. It felt great! I felt like the webinar was a little too wordy for my taste the first half.
Although I love her message and agree with doing the work on ourselves, I’m not going to purchase, at least not for now. I didnt like how much she pushed it in the end, but hey(!), we all need to make a living and hers is for a very good cause. I do believe she has helped many others and will continue to do so.
I’ve found that my mediations make me feel similar to the shift. She used a fair amount of helpful grounding techniques and healing methods.
I don’t believe all therapy is about rehashing. In fact my therapist and I talk less about him (we know what he is) and focus on what steps I need to take to heal, including grounding and healing methods. I’ll be telling her about this webinar.
Strong, I’m so happy it resonated with you so much! I agree with so much of it. Please let us know what you think of the program!
Remember, I’m a big believer on the cellar level and will continue to practice as well. I love that you have a good energy worker. I had one many moons ago. I may just have to look into it again.
KeepingOn,
I am so happy to hear that this form (or similar forms)of healing are working for us.
I never thought I would stay on for the entire 3 hours but when she started doing the shift work and I was writing down the goal, I just felt it.
My entire body opened and I know this is what I have been searching for.
I never have done any of this energy work before.
I do yoga and always wanted to explore more but going to use my stock excuse..I never had time.
I have time now and I am all over this.
I know it’s going to help me.
I knew there would be a push at the end to purchase the modules but she is providing a service and if I could make a living helping people this way I would too!
The way she talked about her breakdown sounded like she totally lost touch with reality and I’m telling you if I had pushed that crap down one more time after my panic attack and just went back to work I would probably be inpatient right now and it’s been a month.
Good news, my medical leave payments have been approved. I have 3 more weeks to get it together.
I am so happy that I connected with all of you here and we traded our favorite websites!
I’m going to do just a bit of research on the modules, I love they are in digital format so I can get started right away.
I will find another therapist but since I am on a time frame, I will most likely start with Melanie.
Hugs to all!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
So awesome your medical payments we’re approved! Good things are happening. I’m seeing it in my life too.
I definitely felt the shift last night and did one this morning. It’s very similar to mediations I do. Remember’s right about the meditations out there. I think this program will definitely help you on the right path!
I’ve found that a mix of things have been beneficial to me, like melanie experienced. I’m feeling so much growth and am excited about my releases and the progression I’ve been experiencing.
I had a big nightmare last night that my ex had planted cameras all over my house. The difference in this dream is that I took charge, discovered what he was up to and interestingly decided not to press charges because I felt it was time to move on. First time I’ve woken from a nightmare feeling somewhat good!
Remember,
Thank you again.
If I did not find this I would be going to my therapist, driving in traffic, sitting on the couch for 50 minutes blabbing about HIM…that’s what the 2 sessions were.
I knew for some reason there was something better in store for me.
OMG, if you have someone you know that can do this for you at a good price I hope you go!
I never made it to my reiki session..it’s expensive. The first visit was 60 than 80 per session.
The silver program was like $120.00. I don’t have a lot of money or even know if I have a job but I have to do this.
I was paying a 40.00 copay every time I saw the listener!
I too felt the shifts.. I know this is right for me.
I help little strong and comforted her. I felt it. Tears just flowed like a river.
Anyway, I have to do something and fast.
I had my MRI yesterday and the doctor office called me an hour later, yikes.
I only have 3 more weeks of FMLA time left. I have been getting paid, not my whole salary but enough to pay bills and copays!
I was at the point when I freaked out at work and ended in the ER to admit myself to a inpatient mental health center.
I am so glad I didn’t because they would have loaded me with all kinds of drugs and crap.
I took care of it on my own and I really do feel so much better.
I will call my psychiatrist today and tell him I dumped my therapist(he totally got the whole spath thing).
I never started taking the meds, I don’t need them.
It was his nurse telling me this neuro ortho guy would call me today…My car drove automatically to the beach after the MRI..so i felt compelled to stay and get some sun and go for a nice swim.
I am going to order it.
She gives a 30 day money back guarantee, lol!
I really have nothing to lose.
Thank you, thank you and thank you!
No more talking about what he did!
Can you tell me, when you have time about how your reiki sessions and work with the energy healer?
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong, KO,
Side note…
His cousin that lived directly across from me- if you remembered I mentioned, well, looks like she moved out! Saw a moving truck Sunday and landlord carrying stuff out today.
They were having a hard time paying…she is a heroin addict!
So…NO MORE me looking over that way knowing his cousin is there!
He doesn’t go around her anyways- but still…
Buh byee!
One less thing to THINK about!!
Yipppeee!
Remembertoforget,
Sounds like the cousin received a “shift”!
OMG, buh-bye drug addict cousin…
I’m sure the landlord is as happy as you to have her gone.
SITC
Remember,
YES, one last thing to thing about! WOOT!!
It doesn’t matter how much she talked to him…There’s always the grape vine. Now you can live in peace and free of triggers next door.
Wonderful news!!!!
Remember,
I’m sorry. I just read your post again and saw that you were not able to identify the pain.
You understand this much better and sounds like you have done this work before.
I have never done anything like it and I believe that’s why I felt the shift so easily?
I did not know what to expect.
SITC
Blue,
My heart hurts for you.
You’re a survivor, and you will get through this and come out the other side.
I went through crazy relationship stuff when I had cancer, and I had a friend who did too. Why does crazy stuff happen when people go through illnesses?
I hope you are still using the lawyer in regards to your pets remains.
The other girl- better/more useful supply.
I questioned soo much because I was trying to figure out the crazy just like you. She is NOT better than you, she is WORSE, in the sense that she is better supply, and marrying him!
You may not feel lucky, I used to feel like I missed out on a bond with the ex because he had children with someone, that that must have been so special for them…This is our false mind telling us stories!!! It is not true.
I am praying for you tonight.
Yes, you are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you.
One step, one day at a time. Yeah?
Feel the pain, let it out.
xoxoxoxoxo
KeepingOn,
I just “broke up” with my therapist!
This is a good thing.
I am not taking any more nonsense from anyone.
I have been in therapy before so I have something to compare her to.
Granted I only saw her twice but she never even asked the basic questions about ME!
I will find someone else, I live in a big city, have insurance for now(lol) and don’t have time to waste.
I felt like I was running the session, like she just agreed with everything I said and did’t give me anything to work on, so buh-bye.
Honestly I am finding the things I am doing on my own, now that I know what to work on have been the most helpful.
Anywho, just wanted to share!
I hope things are nice and peaceful for you today.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Good evening all,
?oh=e809b6cc3ff73b658ef03e3103f527cc&oe=563702BC
Please enjoy and have a peaceful evening!
SITC