Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Has anyone noticed the credit/charge info in the left side where the comments are the last few days?
SITC
Hi everyone! Hope all of you are doing well.
Tomorrow is the moment of truth. he is going to move his things out tomorrow. I will be away for the day tomorrow as will everyone else in the house. I have moved any of my personal things to a safe place i case he would try to steal them when he leaves. I explained to him that I am extending him a courtesy he doesn’t deserve by letting him stay until Friday. I told him that if he is still in my home when I return tomorrow, the landlord and the police will be here to move his things out. My landlord is a very close to friend to my family and I explained the situation to him so he is ready to take action if needed. His aggressive behavior has been even more so because he realizes he is loosing control. He is desperate and in a panic. I’m surprised at myself by how good I feel about the him leaving. I know that once it’s over I am going to fall to pieces and it will be a long process. I have already scheduled an appointment with a counselor so that I can start healing. I am in a rural area do unfortunately there are no women’s groups accessible to me. I think I haven’t cried and become depressed about the situation because I am too angry. I started reading the love fraud book about red flags of dating a sociopath. By reading the book it has pointed out to me that I have been completely manipulated, used, and abused. It has given me the clarity I needed. Now I am so angry at him for not being who he promised he was and angry for what he has put me through, that I have the strength I need to get him the hell out of my life. All his desperate attempts to beg and plead to stay and crocodile tears have been lost on me. It feels very empowering.
md23,
You are doing it.
You have taken control.
Getting the landlord involved, awesome idea.
You have an appointment scheduled with a counselor to help you after he leaves?
That is great. You are thinking forward.
You are one tough lady.
WAY TO GO!
You recognized something was wrong and took action!
Give yourself a pat on the back and smile, even if you don’t feel like it.
Double hugs and prayers,
Stronginthecity
md23,
I just wanted to mention something real quick about the lack of resources in your area.
Just to let you know, I live in a very large city and my own doctor was asking ME how I became so knowledgeable and able to move forward.
I told him lovefraud.com.
SITC
Md23, I have been following your posts but have let the more experienced and wiser members assist.
I just wanted you to know that I think you are so strong to be making this change! That you recognized what he is and are getting out. That takes so much courage. I will be saying prayers and rootinh for you.
I also wanted you to know that you said something prfound that struck a chord with me. That you are angry that he isn’t being who he promised he would be.
That’s it, isn’t it? All the lying, cheating, manipulating, emotional and physical abuse…yet they do it with a smile on their face and promise to love and protect forever!
I wish you all the best tomorrow and beyond. Please know we are all here for you.
Hi md23, you should be so proud of yourself. Just a few days ago you did not know how to change your “falling apart” life. You have a plan in action to change your situation!
It is not easy once they leave…all the stress that you have been enduring will percolate up and the emotions are difficult at times to deal with…but we are here for you so come here and vent, rant, cry & type what ever you need to keep the no contact rule impulse.
You can also call the national domestic abuse hotline 24/7 plus Donna here at love fraud has a life coach program where you can talk with her for a small fee. SO please know you are not alone we are all here for you in the next phase of your recover.
Keep us posted so we know you are ok.
HUGE HUGS to you during the next few days 🙂
take care
sorry for the spelling errors = auto spell correct 🙁 does not work so well.
md23
I have been exactly where you are now. I am very worried for the safety of you and your family. Rural areas can be tricky because of how interrelated everyone is. Make sure that local law enforcement is aware of your situation, and that if you or your grandmother call for help that it is serious and possibly life-threatening.
He has been treating you as an object, not a person.
Someone as twisted as he is would rather destroy a possession than let someone else have it. YOU are that possession. He feels entitled to you and everything about you and will not hesitate to destroy you for daring to leave him. If you think staying will provide a measure of safety, you are wrong. He will just kill you slowly over a period of years and suck your grandmother and your girls into the vortex as well. It took me over a decade to escape.
Be very careful. Restraining orders will not stop bullets. Don’t be alone in places where he might find you. Make sure your daughters’ schools or daycare providers know that he is to have no contact with them whatsoever, and that they should call law enforcement if he shows up. Make sure your daughters and ALL of your family members and friends know that he is to be nowhere around you or your daughters and that he is to have absolutely no information about any of you. Make sure your grandmother understands this as well. If he thinks he can charm her and wiggle his way back into your life he will. You may have to cut contact with friends and family who are unwilling to cut him loose. Your safety and your daughters’ safety has to be more important to you than anything else.
My experiences with a sociopath are very similar to yours, including the abuse you have described. I now have to live with the awareness that my life may be in danger every day. The sociopath had a mental hit list, and I know that I am now number one on the list. If there is ever a time that the sociopath thinks there is no way to trace my murder back, I may well end up dead.
I don’t want to scare you unnecessarily, but you need to realize that sociopaths have no conscience and will do anything they think they can get away with. Your best defense is to educate yourself about them, then take every precaution you can against getting sucked back into the black hole.
BE STRONG. BE SAFE.
YOU CAN DO IT!
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I am sorry you have been through a similar situation. I wanted to post an update. I decided not to wait for today to let him get his things. Last night while he was still at work, I decided to pack all of his stuff for him and left it on the front porch for him to pick up. I realized and especially thanks to everyone for making me realize I am in real danger, that I didn’t want to chance another night with him and I had a gut feeling it would be worse because he knew it was his last night. Of course he was furious which is why I did it over the phone. I have received all kinds of calls and messages and I haven’t answered any. It felt great to not need to answer them or worry about what would happen if I didn’t. I know now that it is definitely not over, I am constantly looking over my shoulder and worried about where he will show up. I have felt great all day and the texts stopped mid day Now I have the smallest urge to contact him and I feel completely insane for even wondering why he isn’t contacting me which I know is completely stupid. I know that the no contact is the only way. I this still going to be a difficult process. I can’t thank everyone enough for helping through this.
Md23,
I’ve been following your story and want you to know my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are being SO strong!
As others have posted, I’m concerned about your safety. Do you have a saftey plan (i.e. what to do if he shows up, etc)? You’re from a rural area, right? Do you have a Safehouse/women’s shelter somewhat nearby that could offer support? They often times offer free counseling. Many can help develop a saftey plan, even a short term one via over the phone.
Your urges to contact him may increase once you’re more settled. They’re like quitting a drug. Stay strong, trust your gut and reach out to your loved ones who you trust when you feel the urge to contact.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a lot to go through. Too much. It’s like being the star in your own real life horror movie. You can do this though! Like NMW and so many of us on here…we know the dangers and we are survivors. You are too.
I’m so grateful you found this site. We’re here for you! Xoxoxo
Hi md23, so glad you are keeping us all updated on your situation. The fear that you are feeling now that you kicked him out is normal…. your mind opening up to your dangeruos situation.
It’s scary & very emotional to feel all of the feelings your abuser has been suppressing for so long so that you could just be in survivor mode. Now you are seeing & feeling the true reality of your relationship.
Feel these feelings…dont stuff them down…cry them out, get angry (not at your family or friends) but just feel the anger etc. Come here every time you are very emotional and read everything up at the top, watch the videos up there too and vent/ask question here this will help you to continue to open your mind from all the manipulation & mind control your ex did to you. Don’t worry about spelling errors or gram just type to get your emotions out or write in a journal. Most everyone here has done this so don’t worry about how long your rant/vent is just type.
When you have the urge to call him…come here and vent out your feelings what you would say to him…it really does work to prevent you from calling him or you can call the National Domestic Abuse hotline 24/7 to talk with a free counselor.
What ever you do try your best to not contact him because he will try to sweet talk you into taking him back, when that does not work he will shift the blame to you, or use gas lighting abuse, pity play etc to suck you back in.
Know that they DO NOT change what you have had to endure is what you will endure if you take him back times 1000. The abuse gets worse if you take them back because they have lost control over you so they are not only going to punish their vicim but they are also going to impose fear so that you don’t leave him again.
If you are in the USA look online at Home Depot and Lowes for a home security system. They have alarms that you attract to your door and/or windows starting at around $20 and whole home alarm systems for approx $100 that are easy to install and take batteries vs hardwire and have no monthly fees or you can look into a home security company to install a system for a monthly fee and they will call your home if the alarm goes off.
Also if you see anything suspicious around your home call the police and file a report and keep a journal of such things that happen around your home & have your grandmother do the same.
Google “oprah gavin debunker you tube” to watch their interview about following your gut especially now.
You should be so proud of yourself…just a few days ago you did not know how to get out of your “falling apart life” and here you have just made wonderful changes for you, your daughter and your grandmother.
We are here for you 🙂
take care
Good for you md23,
And a good day to do it… I don’t know what country you are in, but 9/11 is the day WE say NO to TERRORISTS. He’s a terrorist of you and your home.
Have you spoken to the local law? SO that they know you kicked a dangerous man to the curb? DOes your grandma know what he REALLY is, not who he was in front of her, but that he is a threat to her home so she never lets him in? Did you tell your dad so he could protect HIS home? Let everyone be your support and you theirs. And let your kids know that to tell mommy if they see him so their mommy can do the right thing (this is a way to empower kids and give them something constructive to do… that is if the see something, they say something… see something/say something to YOU or any adult who is taking care of them).
YOU take normal precautions to maintain your safety. Always look in the backseat before getting in. Carry a flashlight. Lock your doors/car doors/house. And do whatever else is appropriate in your neck of the woods.(For example: I have soda cans with nuts/bolts rigged to fall noisily if a hidden string gets tripped. Low tech is pretty handy in the countryside!)
md23,
Hugs to you.
You did it, out of the house.
That’s the first step.
Now comes the rest.
What you are feeling is something we all know too well.
I am not the best one here to give advice in that area but I am here to support you in any way I can.
Trusting your gut is so smart of you.
Continue to do that.
You want answers and that’s why you want to contact him, maybe an apology.
You won’t get it.
If you do it’s fake and not in the best interest of you and your kids.
Keep venting here and continue to reach out to the hotline if you are up to it.
When is your counselor appointment?
You did the right thing.
Hugs..
Stronginthecity
md23,
When you can, reread your first post that you sent.
This first post explains all of the reasons why you wanted him away.
It was 5 days ago.
You have accomplished in 5 days what it has taken many here years to do.
Stay safe.
SITC
Md23,
I am so happy to hear this!!!
You are taking great steps. Yes, it will be hard afterwards, but we are here for you and there are now many resources available to people needing them.
Hang in there and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
🙂
Hi All,
Just wanted to write a note of encouragement.
With all that has happened this week I have been triggered.
They are baby triggers if that actually exists!
I have these moments where I want to call him(still workin here, please be kind) and I have not.
I have never gone this long.
In the past I would eventually answer his call, call him or send him a text..NOTHING!
It’s still a struggle sometimes but I see that light at the end of the tunnel.
This has forced me to take a look at my own life, my childhood and why did I always end up with these men.
It was scary and I fought this because nobody wants to admit they were abused as a child.
Yes, I have had an ah ha moment.
My mother is a narcissist and my father enabled her to abuse 3 little girls.
One would ask why wouldn’t I naturally run to narcissist.
The puzzle is almost complete.
SITC
You are so right, SITC. Your note comes at a perfect time to remind us…
It doesn’t have to feel good, it only has to feel FAMILIAR. It took a long time for me to recognize my mother in my ex… the derision, the ridicule, the I will never be good enough even if I am perfect message. I TRIED to watch out for red flags but it’s hard when, for us, abuse is NORMAL and NOT a red flag. The GOOD news is recognizing it when we do and NOT submitting to living that way. GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD for ALL of us!!
SITC,
Hi my friend! It is understandable being slightly triggered and ESPecially during this time.
So much has just happened, and now is a vulnerable time for you…it makes perfect sense.
You are a wonderful person and you are not alone. It’s all coming together so you can be completely healthy. All of us.
It’s been a long time now with NC for me and it’s that monthly time been making me feel a little mad towards him.
Listen to your body. Cry when you need to, scream if you need to!
xoxoxoooooo
Remembertoforget,
Hi!! How is your day going?
Thanks for the kind words.Right back at you!
Out of all of this I have reconnected with friends that I have not even talked to on the phone for hmmm 2 years.
I’m not mad anymore.
Still a bit of disappointment lingers and I remember that it was all fake.
I pray we are all there someday soon.
It is what it is.
I am proud of everyone here for the strength, courage and support that we have all shown.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
I am new here and don’t know how to start a new thread telling my story. This forum is amazing and I can’t believe I stumbled upon it. Is it really normal to still want to cry? Do you have moments of total clarity where you really, truly are fine, and then moments later where you feel like you’re in the middle of a bonafide breakdown?
Also, are there any stories about people being involved with a sociopath at work? I am looking all over for help and advice from people who have been there or are there now, because I am in deep.
Sorry for all the questions, like I said I’m new here and am finding my way around.
permanently ruined,
Hello there.
You can email Donna, the owner of the website if you would like to share your story.
Welcome here!
To answer your questions.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Sociopaths, I am learning are just about everywhere including work and even members of your own family.
You are in the right place for support.
I can say that because I have been here since 2013 and the people here all have gone(still going )through this.
It has saved my life and helped me to understand why we are victims to these emotional vampires.
Feel free to post here or email Donna directly.
We are here for you.
It’s hard work but you are not permanently ruined although I know you feel like that right now.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Thank you so much. This is so hard. I feel completely unhinged because sometimes I am fine – like most of all of today was fine. But I know the painful, stifling waves of hurt will come later and when they come, I can’t make them stop.
And I have to see him every day, all day. We work very closely together.
Today went well. Maybe I can learn to live in the moment and sustain that?
Permanently ruined,
I’m grateful you are finding comfort in this site, although I’m sad you’re going through this.
If you don’t mind me asking,how long have you been broken up? It sounds like your past the numb/denial stage so I’m assuming at least a little while?
I can’t imagine working with my ex. I have a narc boss and that’s harder enough! She triggers me along the way. I can’t imagine seeing my ex all day every day. Not to say working with him is impossible but im concerned for you. I feel like he will stand in the way of your healing. Do you have a counselor/therapist to help you through this process?
I went through the clarity and bonfire breakdown for a long time. I’m just now coming out of that place. I experience more clarity than not now. I’m starting to feel like there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
How has your ex been towards you at work?
I don’t know how to reply to your other comment but it is interesting you say it sounds like it has been a while, because it’s only been a week. But it has been coming for two months. It was a very fast sprint followed by a very hard crash. I was his absolute everything and at 43 have truly never had someone pursue me so strongly – in other words, I have never been the victim of such a strong predator. I fought and fought because I am NOT trusting of men, but he broke all that down literally within minutes of us spending private time together.
Today he was ok to me at work, last week he worked remotely for three of the five days, clearly avoiding me. He is either nice to me or he’s an arrogant, elitist pr*ck who is put out by the fact that I actually have feelings.
Pr,
One week! So either you do have a great grasp or it hasn’t hit you completely yet! I think the fact you have clarity is an excellent sign. Not to say this will be an easier process for you. As we all know on here, the healing process is tremendous! It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and are strong. Remember this in the months to come.
I would be weary of him avoiding you. He’s not being kind, it’s called the silent treatment. You’re more likely to reach out to him when at first he pulls away. He’s expecting you to question yourself as well as his motives. The longer he gives you space the more he allows you time to think maybe he’s not so bad after all. This was one of my ex’s favorite tactics.
Stay aware and trust your gut. Not to make you worry, but when you don’t bite his bait things may get substantially worse, especially on the job front.
KeepingOn,
I hope your week is going swell- with more space from the new boss! That’s good that someone praised you to her!
I think you mentioned possibly running into the ex in the near future….I hope not. That could be triggering. Ha!
A hair studio- yes, now that would be cool!
Well keep on keepin on…I think we all are…moving along.
Life.
xoxoxooooo
Remember,
Yes, we’re moving along! It hit me yesterday morning…I used to celebrate the days I woke up think about my ceiling fan first instead of him..it hit me that he’s not my first thought anymore. That’s huge.
I encountered another changed password yesterday. I was fine with it at the time. Now I’m irritated. I’d like to have my life back. I feel like the only way I can escape is to stop using technology period. I’m not ready for that and don’t even know how that’s possible these days.
My boss is still trying to pull shit yet I remain positive. Dealing with her is so much better than dealing with HIM. A lesser of two evils.
That all said, you (we) have come so far! Turns out we both have a thick skin and an elastic heart!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
Just when you think you have it all figured out…
It’s ok though.
Realizing what mommy dearest is now while all out and raw, bring it on.
It was another ah, duh moment when I thought back about things with my mother, and some professionals reaction to the question “so what do your parents do for a living?”.
My dad is retired now but he used to do XYZ.
My mother was a full time child abuser.
Yeah, that just came out and of coarse I get the lifted brow as he is jotting this down.
The doc said “we will revisit this later”.
It’s sad. I don’t hate my parents.
I just can not have a relationship with them.
If it was something that happened when I was a child and mom did some work to analogize and change, but EVERY TIME I open myself up to her I get it again.
No more.
The ex spath did the same thing.
I don’t know what the hell la la land I was living in to not see this.
I am sorry you had to pick up and leave but it sounds like you are safe.
On that note, did you or anyone else happen to catch Dateline last night?
If not I’m sure you can find it on the interwebs somewhere but OMG.
Just when you thought you have seen it all.
XOXO,
Strongonthecity
KeepingOn,
I am so sorry to see this post about the password change.
I can certainly understand your irritation and the boss situation on top of it all?
I know it’s all overwhelming and annoying to say the least.
I know you are a smart woman and have done all you can to protect yourself.
It’s a terrible feeling when your privacy is invaded.
I hope and pray that this will come to an end soon.
You deserve some peace.
Look at all you have accomplished.
I admire all of you that are still able to work and go through all of this, plus you trained and ran a marathon!
I hope you have a peaceful day!
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
KeepingOn,
Good morning ceiling fan!!
Love that!
I’m with you, it’s not the first thing on my mind, and when he is in my mind, the thoughts are more like background noise and don’t bother me.
I hear ya on being irritated.
Honestly this monthly thing wasn’t too bad before it but during it I’ve been coming down with sonething and have felt bad all week. Finally I woke up today with a cold or something.
So, i’ve been grouchy and tonight angry…lol I had to pull out some paper and write my anger and my inner wounds.
I know this too shall pass.
I feel for Md23 and the others as well.
I will pray for you and us tonight.
God Bless.
🙂
xoxoxoxo
Remembertoforget,
I hope you are feeling better today.
I am having trouble with the website, the posts are scattered and when I click the submit comment button it takes me to a blank page and says I have submitted a duplicate post.
Anyway I missed this one and will send you a chicken soup recipe!
Sending positive vibes your way.
Hope all is quiet and peaceful for you today.
XOXO,
SITC
Greetings all,
I have been reading for quite a while and I do not post much but I plan to start. I want to thank Donna for creating the place and space to allow such a wonderful supportive community to flourish and I am wondering how many lives she & all the people who post on this site have already saved. I swear some times I have to do a double take to assure my self that it was not ME who wrote the post. And even thougth it is mostly women helping women there are many men who are the victims of a lot of sociopath female abuse as well, so let us not forget that.
Well here are some things that might help:
1) …on your telephone called ID
…rename the socio’s ID to something like “U DESERVE BETTER” or “CHEATER LIAR” ..”WILL HURT”…. “HEARTlESS”..”SUCKERPUNCH”
you guys get idea
be creative, what does your gut tell you to put in?
…this is of course if they have no access to your telephone….don’t want to trigger violence.
Now when you see a call you don’t see their name so as to remind you of any good times or of an times when they were in grooming phase or when seeing their name lit you up
With this “new branding” …it will remind you of what you are truly dealing with, sounds silly?too simple? try it its powerful & very effective. Love to her feedback.
2) Remind your self that the person you are in love with and who you wanted & needed them to be or at least thougth they were …..(drum roll please)…..NEVER existed. Never! and as in Never means Never!!! (Hardest part to get your broken heart around!)
Who you think they are is a fiction of your imagination & wish fulfillment, or they filled a short term need, like you were in a jam & they helped & were your “Hero” for weeks or months, or even few years…Of course they did that to control you & eventually sue you for their own egos, sex, money etc, what ever they needed.
3) Expect & welcome emotional pain NOW…
yes this hurts like hell & bring it on!!! What you say that is crazy …
Well Lets say you fall & cut yourself & you don’t want to experience the pain of cleaning a wound properly NOW bc it hurts to look maybe reopen & look in, put water & anti microbial and cover, ouch ouch, don’t touch it … no I can’t accept I am hurt or injured, why did this happen to me? Why no ? Now my life is not what I wanted? etc…SO
if you avoid it, hoping to ignore and just cover it bc you hope its ok, and you can’t deal with the pain now, it will get infected and it will get much worse & hurt much worse…later, to the point that something will need to be done or you WILL die. (A heartbreak, soul break type of hurt or literally die and sometimes the two are very close connected).
The pain will be worse later & you might even have to loose a limb, if you try to avoid the initial pain. (A part of your self that you can’t ever get back might be lost, an innocence, a trust, etc. or something like your health? or again your life). So by allowing for emotional heart ache early on to get through the mourning as early as you can …this will reduce any more getting your hopes up’s type of thinking).
4) If you feel the need to talk with the socio or to reach out do it in your own email & then just save it to DRAFT, so you feel like you wrote to them & yet you never send the email.
DO NOT put the socios name in the address line, or at least wait till you are done with email to do so. If you do need to put it in to sense that it is truly completed then make sure you send to the DRAFT & not use the SEND button. If you can’t trust yourself or computer is glitchy, don’t put in the socios address in case it shoots out….oops!!!
Putting in the email address & writing email & sending to DRAFT makes you feel like you really DID write an email to them. And this helps ease some of those No Contact(NC)Jones that people struggle with. After a while it feels like you actually communicated etc, and you spent a while writing to them & you feel better & Jones has eased some, in doing so. You are tricking your mind.
This can work well when you are angry & want to say things that will only hook you further, invite retaliation, or info that will be used use to turn the tables on you.
So why waste your energy and give them the ammunition?
Write all you need to & then save it in the draft pile ..if you ever do really want to send it, then its there for later. Sleep on it a few days.
I guarantee you once you start to do this 9 times out of 10, after some time, you will be glad you never gave or shared what ever information, either good or bad with them b/c they will use that information against you or try to manipulate or shame you further with it.
BONUS
Also this is a great way to document what is going on regularly & to be able to read it months or years from now when you have become an expert in how sociopath operate & then you can say….. oh look at all their bag of tricks, that would never work today on me!!!
I would see right throught it & then you can see your own progress!!!
Alright enough for now
Inner peace is YOUR birth right!
:)))
Nokarma – welcome to Lovefraud. Thanks for your contribution – good suggestions!
It is especially true that we need to deal with the emotional pain – that’s where the true recovery lies.
nokarma,
Thank you.
I did that with the phone name the other day!
He is now WARNING DESTRUCTIVE DO NOT ANSWER.
SITC
nokarma,
#2 is STILL hard to read and deal with but now that I have a lot of stuff open to clean might as well do a spring cleaning only in the fall.
Thank you for your post.
Very useful info.
I have been sweeping a lot under the rug but nw is my chance.
I was having a very bad day yesterday.
It’s been a week since the passing of my daughters father and I am still off work for a couple more weeks.
I now have to respect my daughters space with her new husband and just be a mom now.
She will be fine.
Just starting her life.
I was boo hooing yesterday.
I was wondering what in the world is going to happen now?
Today after a good night sleep with the kitties I am just where I want to be.
My house. A beautiful sunny Saturday.
I can do anything I want.
So much has been put on hold.
One day at a time.
Now to that pile of bills!
Thank you and welcome here.
Great post.
Stronginthecity
Strong,
I just want to share that I am right with you on the realization about my mother and the similarities with her and the ex…
I swept under the rug a lifetime of pain and kept on trucking. Wasn’t until this disaster that my whole life came to light.
XOxoxooo
Remembertoforget,
Oh my goodness…
It’s all of crazy.
Thank you for sharing.
It’s like an addiction.
Admitting it is the hardest part.
It’s hard to come to the realization that your own mother does not love you but all I can do and have done is to stop the cycle.
My daughter is loved and my sisters have done the same with their kids.
When the spath started with the picking of my wounds it was so horribly familiar and hurtful.
That’s not love.
It’s all going to be ok.
We have each other here.
Only those who have been through it understand.
On another note with a nip in the air I want to share a recipe that is easy and so delicious.
http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/bucatini-with-butter-roasted-tomato-sauce
I made it last night!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Hello all… I’ve been reading all posts and it just hit me how incredibly brave everyone here is!!! We have all had to do something that basically comes right down to being a threat to our lives just so we can get away from these horrible abusers. It’s not easy knowing I’m part of a group of people who have been so badly hurt, but it’s great to realize I’m part of a group of people who are brave and no longer tolerating the abuse and lies! Amazing realizations!! 🙂
MD23, stay strong. Looks like you’re truly taking control of your life away from that creep. It’s ok that you feel the pull to hear from him. It’s because your love was real even if his was nothing but a lie. I know how hard that is to accept. We all have that struggle, and it’s so difficult in those moments to remember he’s a liar who has abused you. In those moments when you want to call him or wish he would call you, try to think about those bad things he’s done and realize he would use any opportunity to do it again. You are doing the right thing!! Keep contact here with people you know care and can relate with what you’re going through.
Take care everyone! Hugs and lots of appreciation to all 🙂
SITC,
Cool, a simple recepie! Thanks!
Did you say a nip in the air? Very cool. I can’t wait until next month when we start to get less humidity and a little bit of less heat! Lol.
I am looking forward to these holidays since last years were sucky as hell with him. I was trying to carve my pumpkin last year while on the phone with him- trying to have a normal conversation, but of course that wasn’t even possible, so, my pumpkin got trashed and ruined.
All because I asked a question about his kids having Halloween off from school.
Each holiday sucked.
Soo here’s to peaceful upcoming festivities! Even if they are with just us and our pets…hahaaaa
Remembertoforget,
You are welcome for the recipe.
I hope you get a chance to make it sometime soon.
It’s so simple and delicious.
I know the anchovy sounds weird but it’s what gives it that wow factor. I used anchovy paste and an entire head of garlic.
No chopping of anything just toss all the stuff into a shallow baking dish and let it cook.
I doubled it so that I could have extra!
I too for the first time in a long time am looking forward to the holidays.
Without the guilt of my family and the crazy drama from the spath I can finally enjoy it.
I let my parents know and left them a message without room for ambiguity that I would not be attending any family functions whatsoever pretty much forever.
It sounds mean but it needed to happen.
I also called my ex sister in law this morning and told her that I want my name included in my ex husbands obit.
The old me would have just sat there and pouted about it and be angry.
Hmm the pumpkin..I have a similar memory of Halloween last year.
The plans made and then just changed.
I got the ol I never said that.
Sorry your pumpkin got messed up, you can have an awesome one this year!
I hope you have a nice peaceful day!
XOXO,
SITC