Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Good morning,
This is an older article about the emotional abuse of children.
Very good, wanted to share.
http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html
SITC
SITC I recently found that article and thought it was incredible. I hadn’t heard of Vachss before but was happy to find his writings. I think expanding his intended subject to include anyone who is or has been abused or exploited can help to validate and help heal many adults as well. Thanks for sharing the link.
4Light2shine,
You are welcome.
I’m glad that you found it helpful!
SITC
stronginthecity
The article you shared by Vachss is SO STELLAR that I want to make it mandatory that EVERY LF member reads it.
He says things in a concise way that validiates EVERY abuse victims perceptions. He’s writing about the abuse of children but it COMPLETELY applies to the emotional abuse from our partners in our relationships!!!!!!!!!!!
“the emotionally abused child inevitably struggles to “explain” the conduct of his abusers—and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self”“blame.”
YES YES YES. THIS struggle to explain and the dismissal by others when we fail in the struggle is an incredibly painful rejection, it invalidates what we know to be TRUE, that a monster has come into our lives and is seeking to destroy us.
This is the consequence for my beloved daughter, only she may not understand what was being done to her because I think her therapist is focused on the OLD assumption that if a child has emotional issues, it comes from the mother. That she has had a sociopath step father who has been in her life since she was five and has been mind controlling her, as he wove his evil tendrils around her AND her mother seems to NOT occur to the therapist at all. The therapist does further damage by encouraging my daughter to discredit ME, the one person who knows and understands what went on behind close doors in our home, the one who can validate her perceptions from a perspective of KNOWING when my daughter was being mind controlled… the one who can validate her and unravel because I have unraveled HIM and HIS manipulations and EVIL EVIL messages, such as no matter what she does, he thwarted her and he controlled whether she felt success or failure.
No matter how low and EVIL anyone can observe about the behavior of a sociopath, the reality is that they are even more LOW and EVIL. You will never get to the bottom of how EVIL they are.
Thank you SITC, this is more than GOOD, this is empowerment, someone who gets it, who is empowering just by his ability to say the truth about what the EVIL does to the vulnerable in this would.
@edit: “world” not would.
Notwhathesaid I totally agree. Some people just have a way of cutting to the core of things. Vachss has got it in spades. Ok so I’m shifting gears here. Last night I finally saw it. The 1944 movie Gaslight. While I had heard about the flickering lights & that her husband was trying to make her believe she was losing her mind, that’s about as far as the descriptions usually went. I was really surprised at how many of the spathy things this movie portrayed back in ’44. Ingrid Bergman’s performance earned her an Oscar over some stiff competition. Charles Boyer played the role of her husband. Slick, manipulative, controlling. He isolated her, systematically set her up, baited her, framed her, bullied her. It showed the progressive devaluation and escalating of how abuses became more vicious as her self esteem had been destroyed. This would’ve been around the time Hervey Checkley was getting recognition btw. The movie was based on a 1938 play. Very impressive and innovative for its time.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
I am glad that you found this as helpful as I did.
Bonus, at the end there is a link to many of his other articles that are very good also.
In a way all that has been opened to me in the last week has been useful in a sense that pretty much all the garbage that has been stuffed down inside has come to the surface.
For the first time I am embracing the emotions and feeling them and it sucks big time BUT it all needed to happen.
There is still much work to be done and I know that I can do it.
It’s going to take time.
I have to learn how to release the guilt I am feeling by society regarding the emotional abuse by my parents.
I am also done apologizing for my parents behavior to my daughter.
They treated her exactly the way I was treated.
She always felt and still feels unloved, singled out by her grandparents.
The article, the meditation and the time alone by choice has allowed me to sit with the feelings and move through them.
Most of all I do understand that what it all means and setting boundaries for the first time in my life.
What I am hoping and praying for in my life is to be authentic and the person I know I am inside.
Not the lonely scared little girl that cried in the closet to get my parents attention.
They never came to check on me.
They left me there until I fell asleep.
Yuck.
SITC
I posted this above in response to someone, but I didn’t put it in the right place:
I am new here and don’t know how to start a new thread telling my story. This forum is amazing and I can’t believe I stumbled upon it. Is it really normal to still want to cry? Do you have moments of total clarity where you really, truly are fine, and then moments later where you feel like you’re in the middle of a bonafide breakdown?
Also, are there any stories about people being involved with a sociopath at work? I am looking all over for help and advice from people who have been there or are there now, because I am in deep. I hate him yet I desperately need him.
Sorry for all the questions, like I said I’m new here and am finding my way around.
permanently ruined
Sorry for your misery. Sorry because I actually understand your misery even before I know the details. But please, contact Donna@LoveFraud.com to write your story. And for insight into what others have said about workplace sociopaths, at the top of this page, there are links in grey. “Cases” has a link to workplace sociopaths. Additionally, on the left right under the list of latest posts is a box “search comments” where you can put in your name (to keep track of what you wrote), the name of someone else (so you can look up someones reply….because when a conversation gets started, it can have multiple thread and this helps you to find the convo. Also, you can put in search terms but I find going to each of the red boxed links and each of the grey boxed links will give a lot to read.
All my best to you and a speedy healing/recovery
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, Remembertoforget and anyone else who may have had an emotionally abusive childhood,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkIP4ThAlME
SITC
stronginthecity
Co-dependency is a theory and doesn’t fit my situation. It’s a framework for understanding the consequences to a victim. But it has a very horribly abusive message that these type of therapist insist that the victim accepts or else, they say, there will be no healing. It uses the form of abuse that we experienced in our abusers to “heal” us… It might have a place for those who have no sense of self but I don’t consider it emotionally healthy at all.
If it works for some, that’s wonderful.
But for those who feel helpless by such labeling, I encourage them to understand, it’s a framework of a theory that has assumptions built in that may not fit the victims of a sociopath.
NWHSOM… it’s so good to see someone use common sense to discuss the concept of codependency! It makes me furious when people are labeled as codependent because they support the ones they love and think they should get the same kind of support in return. It’s what healthy relationships are made of! If there’s a continuous and overwhelming reliance on others, then there’s a disorder involved, and it’s about “rejection sensitivity” (which can be found in the DSM). When someone is sensitive to rejection, it’s usually due to something from childhood where the first trauma happened (for example if a parent makes a child feel they aren’t worthy of love), and then it carries over into adulthood with the child growing up to feel everyone else will reject her too – this leads to unhealthy expectations.
Just looking at the word “codependence” should be enough to show people what it REALLY means – it means depending on each other, not one fully relying on the other (‘co’ attached to dependence very obviously means two people depending on each other). It has never made sense to me and drives me crazy that people who can plainly see they’re being taken advantage of in a relationship are labeled negatively as codependent if they have the nerve to speak up about the abuse. It gives these sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths something else to throw in their victim’s face. Then therapists use it and it just makes the victimization worse.
Sorry about ranting… I just wish there was less blaming the victim in our society.
Hi P R. A name like that says a lot. You will find plenty of others here with a pretty broad background of dealing with personality disordered characters. I’m sure someone here can help you with a close enough life experience that you can relate to. I’m supposed to be working on taxes today so I may check back on you later. & yes btw I have had to deal with wolves at work, & no I don’t work in a zoo. 😊
– PS- Every time I submit a comment my tablet screen goes white so I exit site. When I come back to site my comment posted but doesn’t appear in the recent comment section. What’s up with that ?
4light2shine,
I have been having the same issues with posting a comment.
SITC
Sorry folks – we’ve been having technical difficulties. We’re working on the issue.
OK – it appears that the comments and “Recent Comments” are working again.
Permanently ruined,
Hi there.
I hope that you are on your journey to discovery.
This is one place where you don’t have to apologize, ever.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Thanks for all the responses. I really loved the relation between the 11th and kicking him out. I have not been in contact however the stalking has started. He showed up at my daughters game yesterday morning (she is in cheer leading) uninvited but left quickly when he realized my family wasn’t happy about it. I went to a friends house last night because it has been so long since i’ve seen her because he kept me from all of my friends. I had 30 missed calls and countless texts from him. Then this morning i ran to the grocery store and he followed me there. Was rying and being hysterical in the parking lot. He pretended to be sobbing but when I got close to him there were no tears but he managed to have his eyes swelled up. He demanded an explanation and told me he had been driving around all night the night before looking for me. He said he couldn’t live without me and promised to go to counseling. I told him there was nothing to discuss and he had to leave me alone because I knew if I let him talk long enough it would start to work. I made it clear he had to leave me alone and haven’t received any word from him since. I hope it stops because I start a new job tomorrow and im terrified he is going t ruin it for me since he knows where it is. I think if it doesn’t stop soon I will have to get a restraining order.
md23,
PS
It’s not your fault!!!
SITC
FYI
20 Signs You Are With A “Covert” Narcissist
https://youtu.be/-WVLZXLyO-M
SITC
md23
Good luck on the new job. Keep your boundaries strong. Start a journal of incidences of stalking with dates, times, and locations. You can add more details if you want, but those are the most important details to capture. That way if you end up having to file a restraining order or otherwise go to court you have documentation of what he has been doing.
Try not to engage him in conversation if he accosts you in a public place. Just firmly say “Leave me alone” and walk away, preferably toward people. If he continues, repeat “Leave me alone” loudly enough so that others can hear you. You can also get out your cell phone and record the incident or call the police if he won’t leave you alone. Don’t respond to the content of what he says – he is trying to engage you so he can suck you back in. Just ignore the words and tell him to leave you alone. Most places, people will come to the rescue of a woman being harassed if she makes it clear the man’s attention is unwanted.
Have you changed the locks on your house? Depending on what type of work you do, you may need to provide your employer with a photo of him and let your employer know that you have a stalker. Don’t do it if it jeopardizes your job but keep the info handy in case he shows up to cause trouble.
md23,
This is the first time that you have given him boundaries.
You see his mask slip quickly.
He will use pity play, anger and the promise of counseling.
These people do not change and can actually con a professional who is not trained in this area.
Now that you have your boundaries in place do not deviate.
Now you will work with the therapist and find out why you would allow this behavior.
Lot’s of work to do,
Stay strong and safe.
Don’t tell him anything of your plans.
Follow your gut!
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
md23,
Good luck on the new job today!
Way to go.
Hope you had a nice peaceful evening.
XOXO
Stronginthecity
I can’t find that article…I see the recepie one, I will have to look better. I’m on my phone.
Remembertoforget,
Here is the article.
http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html
SITC
Strong,
Thank you for the article, will read it later.
So I found out my dads brother passed on Sat, and so my mom calls me today and rudely asks me why did I not call her yesterday and tell her…I gave her excuses and she was rude, yet my sister called her to tell her.
And that was it, just dumped her negativity on me, no hi how are you, I told her my throat and ear was sore all week.
She didn’t care, gotta go, and hung up.
So mean and nasty. It triggered me!!! In my mind I told her off. I can’t do that, I never win. Choose my battles. She always claims- i’m the mother, yet she has never been a real mother to me.
Anyways, just thought I’d share. Long week and weekend…
You hang in there Strong, it’s alot coming up all at once!!! You are doing the right things! Those who choose to look are BRAVE. We are warriors!
Hugs! Hugs to everyone!!!!!!
xoxoxoo
Remembertoforget,
I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your family member, truly.
I can hear and feel the pain in your post with your mom.
Are we sisters?
You are not alone in this.
Maybe some meditations are in order tonight?
Please reach out here when you are ready.
Triple hugs to you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Remember,
I just read your post. I’m am so sorry about your loss. And in a way even more sorry about your mom’s reaction and manipulation. From what you’ve said about her in the past, she needs to be the victim, no matter death or her daughter’s cancer.
Write that book! People would laugh with you, cry with you, identify with you and celebrate with you. Heck, I already do that with you.
I’m happy you’re on here and that you’re seeing things for what they are. You’re grieving and reaching out. Your mom’s shit is hers and hers alone. Not that it feels any better. At least you can own the fact that you’re empathetic and caring.
I don’t mean that to sound so harsh about your mom. It’s just sad that you have to deal with that on top of things.
KeepingOn,
Hi! It’s late..i’m late with getting notifications.
The book! Yes, I found the beginning of it one day. Lol
Well, I hope this week goes well for you…this month is crusing by!
I won’t make it up north for the funeral, but i’ve been in touch with some family.
Here’s to you and to all of us, and to life!!!
And you weren’t harsh at all! She is how she is (mom)! Bleh.
Well, good night and God Bless..
xoxoxoooo
Remember,
Sorry you aren’t able to make the service. Hopefully your interactions with other family members have been positive, present circumstances aside.
I find my days are going by and quickly too! I don’t miss the horrible grieving days…when one day seemed like one whole week that needed to end. That was a painful time.
On the up and up. To Life!!!!
Xoxo
SItC,
Well GEEZ I wasn’t geeting emails about posts and missed some replies and comments. Lol
I just had to go read the thread…
Sorry if I seem lost!
I didn’t see the one about md getting a new job. Yaay!
I did read the reply about our mom’s…haha oh and the pumkin, I just saw that one! Everyone will have good pumkins this year!!
I’ll be back.
Remembertoforget,
Hi there, I hope you are feeling better today.
I think that there were some issues with the website and replies were out of whack but it seems to be all good now.
I would like to chime in on KO’s comment…most awesome KO…about your moms shit being hers.
I like that and I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it, lol.
I have not heard back from md23 well only since Sunday night and she was starting a new job Monday.
I try to be grateful everyday for something.
Today I am grateful that the weather is beautiful in my city and I am still off work…(I can only imagine the gossip at work and their plans for me when I return, whatever) so today I will go to the beach!
F it.
That’s my happy place and the days are numbered with the weather here .
I wish peace and happiness to you all.
KO, I wish you safety and feeling secure with your tech challenges.
Happy day!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
SITC,
Hello!
Yaay for you going to the bewch today! Definitely enjoy that weather while you can! It will be hot here for a few more months lol, never getting past chilly. Haha
Oh I just read that article about childhood emotional abuse. Good article for sure. I want to forward it to some people.
Today I think i’m just grateful for today.
🙂
I may not feel great, but I feel grateful!
Feel good and enjoy the air!!
Remembertoforget,
Hi there!
How are you today?
I am thinking of everyone here today.
I know a lot is going on now.
We are here for you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
KeepingOn,
I just saw your post asking about the memorial.
Thank you.
My controlling ex sister in law is handling that.
I guess I have no say so in anything.
I am so sorry about your frustration with the password change crap.
Unbelievable. I hope this will end and give you some peace
Training for the half marathon must feel incredible!
You go girl.
Hugs to you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Sorry you still have to deal with her. Is the service soon?
How are you doing these days?
Just found out my ex struck again! Its an account I’ve been locked out of for a few months. Suddenly my password works again and my info is changed. Classic him. Ahole.
Thanks for the encouragement on my running. It feels great. I’ve been feeling so positive in general for weeks now. I feel human and happy. I have moments but I’ll take them if it means I can be more at peace than not!
KeepingOn,
Thank you.
I am keeping my distance from her right now.
Thats the best for everyone as emotions are still running high.
I am doing ok.
How are you?
I am your marathon training cheerleader!
WTF with the ex and his online stalking antics.
Hugs to you.
I am hoping he will give up and give you some peace.
It all feels so different for me.
Going no contact has been a day to day struggle but getting easier everyday.
I can imagine how hard it must be to maintain composure when someone,anyone is invading your personal data.
You sound like you are dealing with it quite well.
Knowledge is been very empowering.
Human and happy!
Love that.
Have you heard anything from md23?
I talked to my daughter about her today because she told me about a family member with small children at home and is involved now with a spath.
The story she told me made my skin crawl…
UGH
Together we will all be ok.
Bahamian glow!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
md23,
How are you?
Your incredible strength is very inspiring.
You took action to save yourself and your children.
Way to go.
SITC