Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
A nice reminder to remain no contact.
We all know this but a great explanation about why you sometimes miss them.
https://youtu.be/oiukOfvDob0
Stronginthecity
SITC,
Hi strong! I hope you are feeling well today.
I will watch that video on my way home.
This week has been kinda meh for me, but better than last week. I had anxiety for 2 nights, but ok now.
Good luck with the service/his sister…
I hope you are still having some decent weather. We have had rain everyday this week. Helps it not be so darn hot!!!
I found myself thinking about the past this week…5 months FULL no contact. Lol
🙂
xoxoxoo
Remembertoforget,
Glad you are feeling better today.
I am having A LOT of anxiety today.
Yucky day, trying to just roll with it.
I think I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired of all this craziness.
Going to try and do some of Melanie’s shifting work tonight.
Trying not to think about other peoples actions and focus on moving forward.
Weather is still nice but did not enjoy it today.
Yuck
SITC
Remember,
Congrats on FIVE FULL months of NO CONTACT!!!!!
SITC
Strong,
Yes, roll with it. Doing some shifting sounds like a good idea. Let’s shift that bullsh**!
If anything some nice deep breathing exercizes.
I’m with you woman….
Keep it movin, breathe, and shift. Something like that.
Feel well, it shall pass.
Will life always be a healing process?
Remembertoforget,
IDK, sure feels like it today.
Sure hope this passes soon.
Even the cats seem bummed out today.
I looked through my divorce papers the other day and found some notes I had written a long time ago.
It reminded me how horrible my marriage was and how I was feeling back then.
His behavior was terrible and very abusive.
Not much has changed since then in my choices in men till now and I think I will be ok.
So much I pushed down that is coming out now.
No wonder I am feeling yucky.
I’ll allow that today but I refuse to let this be my norm.
I was terrible to my friends when I was with the spath, I ignored them all.
I have to rebuild and be a good friend.
It will all take time.
Thank you.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
Hey there.
How you doin???
I am feeling better today.
Turns out my allergies are acting up, I think that’s why I was feeling so crappy yesterday.
Something GOOD happened this morning after a night of crazy dreams as usual…
I logged into my FB that I have had deactivated for months and was just checking out some stuff(nooo not the ex path)
Got a message from an old friend(a man ewwww) that was a HS BF.
He is newly single and asked me out!!!
I am like a giddy HS girl.
It would be nice to see him, in HS he was “too nice” for me.
The be open to possibilities anthem is working today!
Makes me want to shave my legs, LOL!!!!
Happy Friday!
Stronginthecity
Hi Strong,
I was just going to ask how you were doing!
I’m glad you’re feeling better today!
That is cool that a nice guy asked you out!! Please Lord, let him be authentic!
I put a request in to fb to have it permanantly deleted. Lol
I know there will not be any nice guys asking me out on there, that is cool that he did!!
My allergies are crazy. Yhey mostly are.
I’m ok, but honestly I am finding all this self observing and analyzing on a day to day basis is exhausting to me! I feel like I want something to look forward to, a reward. Just being honest here.
I am grateful everyday though and I say it!
Hmmm…
Old thinking?
Xxoooooo
Remembertoforget,
I totally agree that it is exhausting.
UGH!!!! So done with it all.
I am done with the researching and trying to figure it all out.
The “cleansing” although painful has been very freeing in a sense.
After our short conversation on FB, I immediately deleted it and told him I would be doing so.
It’s just a date with an old friend who I have nothing but good memories from.
He was married and ha a good job, very professional and not the bad boy type I WAS always attracted to in the past.
It’s something new to look forward to instead of the doom and gloom and I was not looking for anything so…
I never was on FB for any length of time and only have 24 “friends” there.
Stay open to new possibilities!
Have a great day!!!
SITC
SITC,
That’s awesome though to have him connect!
I abused FB…lol I was on it for like 5 years and probably reconnected with everyone possible, including many that I probably should not have!! Seriously!
Oh well, lesson learned.
I will stay open, just tired from all this “healing, recovering, aknowledging stuff”…
Thank you!
🙂
Remembertoforget,
No blaming yourself for other peoples actions!
I made that same mistake back in 2006 when I reconnected with people that I knew were wrong…I will own that but I don’t blame me for them.
Who knows, this guy may have cheated…I’ll find out.
One never knows but I will have my ears wide open and my mouth shut.
I’ll be able to tell now.
I am right there with you sister!
So tired of it..I think thats hugh for us..to be so sick of it.
I believe that means we are ready to move on.
SITC
Hi all,
Wanted to log in tonight and write a bit.
My daughter told me that something is in retrograde(Mercury maybe) on Friday and then it happened.
All HELL has broken loose.
First off another new thing I have learned about my daughter is that she follows astrology.
OK, sigh and a deep breath.
While I was on the phone with my daughter Friday afternoon, I heard my call waiting beep.
Mind you it has been so nice and quiet and was movin on yada yada.
It was the spath calling.
I did not get any other calls that day but this %$^^%^& knows when I am on the phone he can leave a voicemail.
Ok, so I listened to the VM spath left and it was to let me know that he is coming to my city this week and I can see him Wednesday.He used his calm authoritative voice saying hope all is well and he will call me when he gets here and he will understand if I don’t want to see him with the almost ready to cry voice coming out.
I immediately felt sick to my stomach as I pictured him coming to my door pounding and knocking with his keys like he did before.
As you can imagine this was not sitting well with me.
Long story short after nearly having a nervous breakdown and hiding in my house Saturday afternoon I went online and called the nearest therapist office to my house and called.
I left a message and this doctor dude called me back.
I asked if anyone could see me that day.
I told him a little about what was going on and he saw me today, yes on a Sunday and is amazing.
He spent 2 hours with me and we came up with a plan and guess what while I was sitting there, I asked him if he wanted to hear the VM he sent me and got my phone and that SOB had called again and left ANOTHER message while I was with the therapist.
I had no idea how on Earth he was getting into my voicemail since my phone is on lockdown.
The therapist and I listened together to new new message together.
This one more demanding that he was coming here now a day earlier and did I want to see him yes or no…
Excuse me but that is a big hell no.
The therapist and I came up with a plan which I will not disclose here but I feel safe, strong and more empowered than I ever have before.
I called the phone company as soon as I got home and found out I did not have a pass code on my VM…WHAT???
That’s how he WAS getting in.
No more of that.
Should I have changed my number before…yes but I look at it like this.
This ass clown was bound to show up here sooner or later and I would have still been sitting here with my thumb up my ass with no plan, no therapist and a sitting duck.
T thought I could just ride it out and go on but this MFer has proved that he is restlessness and guess what..I am not the same girl anymore.
I am on to your tricks and all of your games because I have learned here and other places as well what the hell they are all about.
I have never felt this empowered before and I wish I had found this therapist before but everything does happen for a reason.
SITC
Strong,
Hi my friend. it’s late so quick reply.
Yes, Mercury is retrograde. Haha.
That is awesome about the thrrapist dude!! Way to go! Good that you have a plan.
You have come a long way woman- we all have!
One step one day at a time!
🙂
xoxooo
Remembertofotget
Hi there!
I hope you did something fun this weekend and didn’t have any drama.
It’s amazing how far we have come and Donna posted something today that I will read again.
I found these less looked at videos this weekend by this lady Randy An dretti and it’s her stories if all the craziness that happened.
I could tell from the look on the therapists face yesterday that he had his first and was very helpful and knowledgeable but I don’t think he has ever heard a story like mine and he has only heard the tip of the iceberg.
I’m thinking about starting to write it all down way back from the first meeting with him in 2006 .
Btw I never responded to the guy from fb as he has his profile listed as separated and then I looked at his wife’s page alone with her girls.
I said f that he probably got caught on Ashley Madison and is having a mid life crisis as he moved out and is still married.
No thanks
Have a great day
Xoxox
Strong
SHADY shizzle translated-Copied from Kim Saeed
(to wit – when you hear these comments, interpret them to mean that the person in question is going to cheat and/or mistreat or continue any and all variations of such)
I’ve never really been good boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse material (I won’t be faithful or check in with you regularly)
I don’t think I can be the person you want me to be (ergo, don’t complain about my behaviors if you choose to stay involved with me)
I haven’t made a clean break from my Ex (i.e., we’re still having sex)
I have a very busy career (i.e., expect late nights and disappearing for hours that have nothing to do with my job)
I can’t tell anyone about us because I have a high profile position (I am cheating on my partner with you ”“ or ”“ I just want you around for intermittent bonking)
I just need more time ”“ to quit cheating, drinking, being unemployed, doing drugs, spending your money, ________fill in the blank (I want you to think I have plans to change, but this miraculous change will always be pushed off to some point in the remote future)
Can we just keep things casual? (I don’t want to commit and I don’t want you to expect me to)
I’m confused about my feelings for you (I want to give the appearance of “being confused” to compensate for not calling, seeing other people, and ignoring you while I continue to come over for occasional sex)
I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us but I still care about you and don’t want to lose you completely (i.e., I don’t want to put forth any effort for a relationship or your feelings, but I’d love for us to be “friends with benefits”)
I’m not really capable of loving anyone (so if you want to be in a relationship with me, it’s going to be on MY terms, which will include cheating, ignoring, and disappearing for hours, days or weeks)
Serious relationships have always freaked me out and I always do something to ruin them (I want you to think I have Family of Origin issues so you will forgive me for being a cad)
You have such high standards/values/morals. I can’t believe you’d give someone like me the time of day. (I want you to think your love will conquer all so you will patiently lead by example and wait for my miraculous transformation that will always be just out of reach).
I’m sorry about my sex/porn addiction, but it isn’t a reflection of my feelings for you, baby. Are you going to give up on me after all we’ve been through? (This so-called “addiction” will never cease to exist because I really enjoy supplementing our sex life with other partners and porn, but I want you to think I care about the fact that it hurts you so you will remain in my life as a matter of convenience).
You’re too good for me (I say this so you will think I see you for the caring, compassionate, unique individual you are while I continue doing unacceptable things, all because I’m not as good as you are)
I’m sorry I keep hurting you/ I don’t want to hurt you (My hope is that you’ll truly think I’m a caring person at heart, but that my behaviors are out of my control because of my “painful past”. In reality, I don’t really care whether my actions hurt you and I have every intention of continuing them)
You stopped caring about yourself (I’m bored and need extracurricular excitement and stimulation)
I don’t want to lose what we have (I don’t want to lose what I have, which is being able to do whatever the heck I please, yet still have you to come back to when I need to eat or sleep)
I’m not really ready for a relationship (but, I know if I keep hinting around otherwise, you will keep trying to prove what good relationship material you are)
I don’t want to lose you as a friend (friend with benefits, that is)
Oh, her? She’s a coworker and I’ve been helping her with her marital problems (by showing her the attention *wink* that she believes she’s not getting from her husband)
What happened to the fun, sweet person I used to know? (You know, the one who wasn’t yet aware of my cheating, lies, porn habit, and shady business dealings)
Sure, we can break up, but you’ll never find someone like me who will put up with your craziness, instability, drama, crying spells, ______ fill in the blank. (I stay with you because I know I’m the reason you act that way, and when you do it proves to me that my conditioning and mental abuse are working, which is great news for me because it means you’ll stay with me to get that ever-elusive validation)
It’s important to realize that no amount of praying, begging, crawling or Law of Attraction strategies will improve your doomed relationship. If you’ve heard these obscure messages from your toxic partner, take it as an unmistakable sign that you are with a person who will never give you the love, respect, or care that you desire from them – and the longer you stay with them, the longer it will take for you to get out, heal, and find the person who will (sincerely) love you for you.
Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed & Let Me Reach. All Rights Reserved
OMG, SITC!!!
Thank you for posting these. I heard all of these in some version or another! I will look this person up. Brilliant.
Slim
Slimone,
You are welcome.
I read through the list..
check, check and check.
How are you doing?
I have been trying to keep myself busy with impending doom of the spaths return..
WHATEVER!
I am so over it and actually went on a date last night.
Ok, here is the kicker.
He told me he was separated and because of a brief affair his wife of 25 years kicked him out.
OMG, I can’t believe this buffoon actually said this and then claimed she was controlling.
Check please!!
SITC
stronginthecity
So glad you pegged the guy exactly as he is, someone looking for a woman who’s okay with a cheater. Am betting that one night stands don’t count as “affairs” in his dictionary but there he was, a married man, pulling a pity play, smearing his wife of 25 yrs, and looking to date. What a “WINNER”.
I also want to thank you for posting the list. I looked up the author, Kim Saeed has a good website. Like you, slimone, and everyone else on here, I am familiar with them, some exactly what I was told, others are variations (“showed her some swim spots “for her to take her daughter”… such a considerate husband I had, right?!! Heh heh heh! I laugh now but then…? my stomach kept lurching into my throat.)
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
Yes ma’am.
I actually thought that was the deal but when I text him with my new # yesterday he asked me for a drink.
I thought what the hell, I’m only sitting here waiting for the spath to come back to town.
Actually yesterday d day was very productive for me.
More so then in a long time.
Instead of watching mindless TV, I put on some music, basked in the beautiful sun and got some cleaning done.
I plugged my laptop into some speakers and listened to Pandora all day.
So anywho, I said sure as long as it’s somewhere close to me and I don’t have to drive far.
So yeah, he actually told me that and today followed up with several text messages the last telling me that he was leaving work and needed to get something to eat, oh and do his laundry..
Things most likely done by his wife before he decided to so sticking his penis into other women.
I had a hard time replying to that one and I said something to the effect of that’s what it’s like in singleville.
He then proceeded to tell me that he HAD a date tonight but she canceled.
Have fun paying a mortgage, supporting 2 kids in school paying rent on your bachelor pad and dating women!
I really hope she finds herself a lawyer and gives it to him good.
I mean…..really???
He said it was just a “brief affair” meaning until he got caught.
BTW you are welcome for the “Shady Shizzle” .
Like me need more proof right?
UGH!!!!!
I’m just grateful for the silence on this wonderful evening.
SITC
NWHSOM,
The swimming spots for her to take her daughter.
IDK, but makes me sick to my stomach too.
OMG these horrible creatures.
I told my therapist today about finding the teen(child)porn in the spaths phone today.
He was even horrified.
The word disgusting was thrown around a lot.
Next session, the grooming of the daughter of his oldest son’s mommma drama.
Let’s go ahead and put all the barf in the bucket.
SITC
P.S. If anyone has any tips, tricks to relieve anxiety other than the things we have talked about please share.
I sat outside in the sun today which was good but I had a can of wasp spray in my hand, ya know just in case the wasps started acting up.
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
Update to the new guy.
After I sent him the “It was nice seeing you after all these years but I don’t think its a good idea to meet up again. I told him that I wished him luck with him decisions and hoped that he respects my decision” text message I waited for a response from him thinking it would be something horrible like from the spath.
He did reply and his reply was from a normal person, so there you have it.
Not all cheating men are spaths.
SITC
sitc
I hope you gave yourself a big pat on the back for how you responded. A cheat. A jerk. Not a sociopath. Yet still not worth the misery that came with him. Well done, You! Whew! Whoohoo!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
Thank you!
Yes I did.
It was very easy to do.
I did not receive a slew of inappropriate text messages like I did with the spath.
How refreshing, lol!
Turns out he is just a cheater.
SITC
Oh man SITC, He sounds like a certain kick to the curb. After my last escapade with THE sociopath I dated, and met another sociopath. It was short lived and not painful because I had my radar on, spotted him pretty quickly, and told him to go away. Did the no contact thing, again.
As for the SP coming back to your town you will have to be strong. He will probably get to hounding you, and spewing his nonsense, if you let him have contact. I have seen women get sucked back into the vortex, even after LONG periods of time with no contact.
Be careful.
As for anxiety. I think it just goes away on it’s own, after enough time away from the drama and upheaval. It took about 18 months before I was calm. And that was after ‘only’ a 6 month involvement. Our anxiety does serve the purpose of reminding us of how much danger we are in if we let a sociopath into our lives. It just takes time for our nervous system to register that we aren’t putting ourselves in any further danger.
At least for me it was me staying away, not keeping tabs, no contact; and then time helped me heal. Just had to live through the jitters and jumpiness. I tried anti anxiety meds but they made me feel suicidal (it is a bad side-effect, and I happened to be very sensitive to these medications). So I just muscled through the PTSD, with the help of therapy, friends, yoga, and time alone.
You asked how I am? I am great. Though I have been through a major medical event this past 8 months I am really good. I have loving friends and family, a great job with excellent people, and a kind/caring husband. So, no matter what I am ‘going through’ I have joy and I feel safe.
Going through this cancer (breast, mastectomies, chemo, reconstruction of both boobs) has ‘once again’ given me gratitude for waking up and getting away from users and abusers. I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through this with one of those types. Imagine truly needing help and getting nothing but abuse? Would be awful.
So, I am really well. Nearing the end of my healing.
Slim
slimone,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Battling cancer… your surgeries and treatment, oh my gosh.
I pray that you don’t have to go through any more treatments and can have some peace in your life and continue to stay healthy and heal.
Slim, you have been such a wonderful help here on LF.
You are blessed to have a great support system and feel loved and cared for.
This is precious.
Thank your advice on the meds, I experienced the same side effects to long acting anxiety meds.
I have found the old school short acting variety very helpful when I am having a meltdown.
I am being very careful.
It’s been very quiet.
I am working very closely with my therapist and the changing of the phone number has helped but I know this will anger him even more but tough noodles.
If he shows up here I simply call 911 and now that I have the voice mails saved I can file a police report.
I have no idea why, when or how long he plans to be here in my city but it does not matter to me.
The disordered one does not communicate via email thank goodness so I don’t have to worry about that.
There is absolutely no desire to listen to any of his double talk nonsense.
I have caved IN THE PAST, before I knew what the hell was going on but things have changed and will never ever go back.
I will tell him he is hot wanted here and then call the police.
Regarding the date guy from the other night, I sent him a very clear text message that I had no intention of seeing him again.
I need to take care of me.
My desire to fix broken men has come to a halt.
It’s a beautiful day today!
Thank you again for being here and all of your support.
It is greatly appreciated.
SITC
slimone
If you mentioned before that you were working through cancer I missed it. I am so sorry for you to have this additional burden in your life. You do make a VERY good point, that cancer is a terrible illness but thank GOD you are FREE from a sociopath. For I do so very much agree with you that relief has as much to do with your cure as any therapy.
I’ve been grateful for your posts here on lf because you write with such clarity. I’ve taken such encouragement from your works and used your example to find my own strength. But, like so many on lf, you have a bigger story. Look what you’ve done: you’ve helped so many while also quietly carrying on the burden of cancer. You make me think WOW. You are a WOW woman.
I send you all my positive vibes and prayers and again, thank you for the powerful message you share. Just reading your words about going through cancer humbles me and fills me with gratitude for being, like you, FREE of the monster so I can take on whatever else life throws at me… that particular kind of freedom puts all else in a very positive perspective. You…wow woman. Good for you Slimone, May Blessings rain on you and keep your cup full and always running over.
NotWhatHeSaidofme,
What a lovely email you sent to slim.
I feel the same about her posts and wanted to mention that yours are not too shabby either!!!
I have found your no sugar coating writing style very helpful and you have your way of helping by putting it out there by saying hey, this is what happened to me, this is how I fixed it and this is my story.
I love your style and remember pretty much all that everyone has written.
Please do not ever change it!
I feel like I know you ladies personally.
My friends!
I have learned so much here and my therapist is really impressed with how much I already know so the process will go quickly with him.
I have uncovered so much on my own that I just need guidance right now.
BTW, it’s been nice and quiet here.
I was so sure that the spath would stalk me(not letting my guard down) and I sat by the window last night for awhile and nothing.
Changing my phone number has given him the clear message that I do not desire to see him and I am so happy I have done so.
Will he try again?
Most likely but we all know how horribly lazy they are and will go for what he does not have to work for.
He’s getting older so he will have to work much harder to have his group of supply or will move on to an older age group.
I feel safe here.
I know that I can post something and if someone does not like it or agree that I will not be attacked with horrible replies and backlash.
I love that Donna has created this safe, useful and supportive place for us all to heal.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
P.S.
I’ not sure if I mentioned this but I have found that cutting my TV and commercial watching time including the news(local is the worst) has greatly help reduce my anxiety.
SITC and NWHSOM,
Thanks ladies, for your support, and your praise. You are both very generous, and I feel humbled by the recognition. Thank you so much.
Being here is part of what gives my life meaning. Now, instead of trying to help someone who cannot be helped, I can be here and use my desire to be of service to others by helping people who CAN change their lives.
It’s so true that when we consider how much life expects of us we cannot really afford to waste our time and energy with people who do not care for us, who contribute nothing to our happiness and health, and who demand their needs be met above all else.
Again, thank you for your well wishes. I am making a full recovery, and am feeling really well. Just healing up from the final reconstruction at this point. I am looking forward to being able to do yoga and ride my bike again!
xo, Slim