Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
SITC,
I found the exact same thing: listening to the news sent me right into anxiety mode. I used to listen to NPR a LOT. I stopped, almost entirely. I also didn’t watch news.
I also quite listening to any overly intense music. Anything that was too intense sent me into a tailspin and got my fight or flight response revved up.
slimone,
I am so happy to hear that your recovery is going well and that you are feeling good.
I feel the same in the respect that way too much energy went into someone who was a parasitic leech.
Since I began taking care of me, my energy is coming back more and more everyday.
Today I cut the grass and cleaned the outside windows and front porch.
This is hugh for a woman who just last week was unable to leave the house for days at a time.
I hope you are able to ride your bike soon!
That sounds like so much fun!
You will get there.
Hugs,
SITC
slimone,
I did the same, I know what you mean by overly intense music. My anxiety cup was running over and I did what I could to minimize what others would call normal anxiety triggers. I stopped watching contemporary dramas on tv (esp those shows with what I call “evidence porn” – did anyone NEED to see a bullet pierce a body and spew out blood? I didn’t need to “borrow” misery! I listened to calming classical music (the UK’s Classic station drive time is lovely). I became quite discerning in my choice of books/movies and even library discussion groups, no monsters/pedos/rapists/gory deaths.
I am MUCH better now… I knew I’d recovered a lot when a sudden home repair made me feel happy because I recognized it as NORMAL stress that everybody deals with.
Be sure to let us know your anniversary date so we can add our voices to your congrats.
All my best
nwhsom
DSM5 to be used by mental health providers as of 10/1/15.
Copied from pas-intervention.com
To these I would also add the following new PTSD Diagnoses:
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome (NVS)
Is the result of the damages that occur to a person who is closely connected or involved with or works with a Narcissist. A narcissist is someone who needs total control and believes the world revolves around them and them only. The narcissist craves constant praise, admiration, honor and respect, even when they do not deserve it. They will use any means within which to obtain this constant control including the following: intimidation, abuse (physical, sexual, emotional and more), isolation, deprivation, financial/economic control and anything else that they can use to keep the victim under their thumb and control. One of their best tools is Gaslighting or the denigrating of the victim so they believe they are crazy and that only the Narcissist is capable of taking care of them or being with them. The narcissist is also always right and the perfect person, thus they could never possibly be wrong. This lends well with the theory of Gaslighting as the Narcissist will have the victim believe that they are too weak, or crazy, or delusional and more. They will actually cause the victim to distrust their own selves and ability to think for themselves. Narcissists are about total and complete submission of control to them. They do not recognize any boundaries or borders between them and others. They are the border control
Some of the signs and symptoms of NVS include:
Revisiting of the trauma, like flashbacks, bad dreams and thoughts that scare them. Any reimaging of a tragic or traumatic event will cause them to also demonstrate avoidance responses such as avoiding people, places or things. They feel guilty but yet, scared. They are depressed and worried. They are anxious and paranoid. They will even block out things to protect themselves from remembering the tragic or offending issue. The will often avoid things that are triggers of upset or hurt, or that the narcissist considers a problem. And they are easily startled or jump, have insomnia and exhibit other hyperarousal response to stimuli that normally would not cause this.
A victim of NVS can exhibit Stockholm syndrome or cult-like behavior joining up with the aggressor. They will defend and protect the narcissist for fear of not being loved or part of their inner circle. The victim’s self-esteem is so torn down by the Gaslighting and other crazy making behaviors of the Narcissist that it is just easier for them to follow along. They often are so emotionally beaten down they do not realize what is even happening to them, just that they are angry or sad all the time, and feel like they have no persona or sense of self.
They will/can show signs of Cognitive Dissonance, which basically means that they know that the situation they are in is no good, but they continue to stay it, using false rational. Yet, they are angry, scared, confused, lost and do not know where to turn to. They fear things that never happened or even exist but because the Narcissist says they did, the Victim is programmed to believe it is so. Their ability to think clearly has been disrupted and taken over by the Narcissist.
NVS can occur at any age as well. You do not have to be a small child to be forcefully convinced that the Narcissist is the only person should be respect and listened to.
SITC
THERAPIST ADVICE NEEDED******
Hello all.
I am asking for advice from survivors here as I am on the verge of firing therapist #2.
We all know that we need someone who recognizes and can treat the NSV that we are experiencing.
With or without insurance we have to be practical in the sense that therapy is very expensive.
Yesterday he suggested that I go for a walk to relieve my anxiety.
I certainly have thought of that one on my own.
I also don’t think he takes the danger element very seriously or is downplaying it so that I don’t feel he is feeding into it.
I know some of you are a more familiar with my story.
I remember reading somewhere about a list of terms and questions to ask when you are interviewing a therapist.
If anyone had this info or any insight about how a session has gone for them I would certainly appreciate it.
BTW, he is a psychologist.
I have already canceled tomorrows session until I decide if I will see him again.
Thanks in advance for any info.
SITC
Here’s the article about evaluating an unknown provider’s expertise in sociopathy – although you already know this person. I would say that if you’re not finding it helpful there is no point in wasting your time (and money).
http://www.lovefraud.com/2009/01/15/evaluating-an-unknown-providers-expertise-in-sociopathy/
Donna,
Thank you!
This is perfect.
I was grateful that he was able to see me on an a Sunday and that he is near my home, I don’t think he gets it.
I have seen him 3 times with a 40.00 copay per pop and the best advice he has given me is that it will be ok and I should go for a walk in the park.
I will probably see him one more time with this checklist and see what he has to say until I search out another therapist.
Thank you again,
SITC
THERAPIST RESPONSE to me telling him I am uncertain if I want to reschedule my appointment I cancelled:\
Me: I am uncertain at this point there are not to many who understand this narcissist victim syndrome.
Therapist: Ok..I’m sorry you feel that way. I know you are going through a tough time and I am happy to support you in any way I can.
Let me know if there is more I can do for you….
My thoughts…UMMM YES, realize that I am in danger with this crazy person who after months of NC thinks he can roll into town any time and thinks I want to see him.
Remember the one who had a murderer living with him not that long ago and lied about it along with all of the stalking and breaking into my home.
Telling me that I need to go for a walk in the park, yeah ok…
Am I overreacting to this?
I told him over and over again I DO NOT FEEL SAFE.
I have been practicing trusting my gut.
It’s not like he dismissed my fears, we came up with a plan if he shows up and all that.
I think he is a good therapist just not good enough for me???
I also have in the back of my head when I called him in distress last weekend and one of the first questions that came out was what type of insurance do I have??? Is it in network???
Ok, so I understand he wants to be paid but what if I did not have insurance, and what happens if I lose my insurance is he going to dump me?
Give it to me straight if anyone thinks I am overreacting?
SITC
Hi Strong, Hi guys…
I may be backtracking a bit, but are you able where you live to go through the women’s shelter?
They have single 12 sessions after applying, and group sessions while you are going through the approval process.
Some bad stuff happened involving me and the “mean girl” at work today. She pushed and pushed and pushed until I had a meltdown (meaning a physical altercation with her). I already have my 3 month checkup on Monday with my Psychiatrist. I have not had problems with any workers or jobs like with this person. I even won Employee of the year at the last job I was at.
This salon to me has become the hostile environment type, and I believe the owner sets the tone or culture for the business.
I was diagnosed bipolar immediately after the Psycho/abusive relationship, since I came down with clinical depression, first time ever for severe depression.
I also have significant hearing loss over the past 5 years that I just investigated and found out it is from the type of chemo I had. I am really thinking about applying for some type of disability help, I had it for years during and after the cancer. Been just working hard since I got off of it.
Also, the girl came outside as I was leaving with my belongings and was saying I don’t want you to quit… etc. etc. I gave her a
hug, she said I care about you, you should have told me before bla bla. It’s just fake, if you cared and were nice, then you would not constantly BULLY me in front of people all the time. You wouldn’t make rude jokes, poking at me. Sometimes her and the guy gang up on me like highschool kids or the peanut gallery. seriously.
She said walking out of the kitchen that I was playing a victim when I imitated for her what she does and she did not like it, well calling me a victim pissed me off, because I was just speaking the truth.
Thank you for me being able to vent.
My boss is thinking about it and so am I, but if she says no It’s not a good idea to go back I will say I agree.
Either way, I will not go back.
Remembertoforget,
OMG!
What a horrible nightmare.
I am so sorry. I do understand what you are feeling right now.
That’s terrible and I remember you talking about it before, about that place being toxic and for it to escalate to that level with the salon owner allowing it.
You should definitely apply for some help, you certainly deserve it and that’s what it is there for.
Take some time to take care of you.
Thank you for the shelter info.
I will definitely look into it as I am broke as a joke.
Again, I am so sorry those bullies did that to you.
I dislike bullies… alot.
Fake..like you should have to tell people your personal business and then they will be nice to you and not pick on you?
Whatever.
So all this happened today?
What jerks.
One of my daughters friends worked in a salon and had the same issues.
She eventually got a job at Aveda doing something with the office end of things and said she is much happier.
SITC
Strong,
Yes, the shelter gives free counselling. I inquired but didn’t do it because it was a month wait.
You would qualify, they go over your relationship with the abuser. Physical abuse or not…still abuse.
Yea, my boss feels horrible as she is a people pleaser type too, but she is blind to the negativity/friendly teasing. Since the girl takes her jabs by “joking” ya know, it’s ok. I said to my boss if your daughter had someone constantly jabbing at her it wouldn’t be nice.
It’s strange because usually I would be worried or concerned about what they are all saying now- and guess what? For the first time I don’t even care!! I did nothing wrong, except the ending, but I told her, you would defend yourself that way too. She is ghetto but tries to act proper. She has fake lips, and got a fake butt, and works hard to be beautiful… is a very cute girl, and nice, but the world revolves around her. She is also baby mother #3 to her boyfriend. Hmmmm.
Oh, i’ll be with a client and she won’t be busy but she still wants me to order the lunch. Ummmmm?
I wish her the best. Go find another bitch.
Remembertoforget,
As I am writing this I have the TV on(been trying to limit) a breaking story comes on, a 40 something y/o woman is found dead in her home this morning, they are looking for her estranged husband.
HMMMMM, no!!!
Another domestic violence victim.
I called a couple numbers and the first one I called to inquire about counseling for domestic violence.
The person who answered the phone said “what are you looking for” I said again, counseling..she responded like I was speaking a foreign language.
I hung up and called another place from the city that gave me the phone #’s of 2 places that I have to call tomorrow and do an intake.
No wonder this is happening.
Anyway, right now I still have options.
UGH, she sounds like a treasure..the bully.
No, you did not.
People like her and her sidekick have no as one of teachers used to say home training.
Baby mother #3, say no more.
I had a lot of “educated” ghetto people I worked with that could not even form a sentence but they have a Bachelor’s degree in whatever. OK.
They will continue their abuse until someone knocks them in the head or worse.
Just like the spaths.
Bullies.
Order your own damn lunch.
I know the type, trust me.
I certainly understand how you feel.
The dealings with the spath alter our lives.
Hopefully your boss will implement some type of no bully policy now that this has happened.
Are you ok? I mean considering what happened?
SITC
Remembertoforget,
So I Google the woman found dead in her home this morning in a town about 45 minutes from my city and see that this is the second one.
There was another one found Sunday…the killer her estranged 400 lb husband.
The story said, oh don’t worry it’s domestic violence.
Not in those words of coarse but you get my drift.
Has your left you alone I hope?
SITC
Strong,
The intake lady sounds like the right one. Say yes I was in an abusive relationship…
Usually you have to go there and wait and apply. Here it takes a while… the system is packed.
Bullies, yes, I said if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything that’s what I learned. She didn’t like that. Gave me a threatening look.
I just called my boss bla bla they want me to stay. I have the next few days to think about it.
My dad told me to get in the car and come stay for a few days. I’m going tomorrow he’s on the west coast of Fl.
I feel like poop, my head hurts and I have scratches on my face. Haha. Tis embarrassing but oh well.
I’m growing out of mean people what can I say!!!
I hope u get in because you can get counselling. :))
Remembertoforget,
Be careful in that part of Fla, the Western most Southern region is where spaths live..
SITC
Strong,
Wow that’s scary!!!!
Yea, good ol DV.
Oh my neighbors downstairs, I had no idea but they are DViolence…
Oh yea, knocking doors down, 2 small kids, Rocky relationship yet she just popped out a 3rd baby!!!!!
They have been told to leave. They move the first.
Remembertoforget,
Yes!
I am so happy to hear your dad is telling you to come visit.
you are so lucky to have him.
My dad would tell me that he is busy or something.
Yeah!!!
Support.
You go and take care of yourself.
All will work out.
You know you still have a job if YOU choose.
This is super scary.
The picture of the guy they are looking for today shows him with a Thuglife sweatshirt on.
Say bye bye crazy neighbors.
Poor babies.I feel sorry for the kids.
My new therapist does not recognize I am a DV victim and thinks a walk in the park will cure me.
Hey, I am recognizing boundaries with a therapist!
Get some rest and have a great trip to see your dad.
Please let us know that you are ok when you return.
Hugs to you,
SITC
Strong,
Lol, i’d be interested to know which part, i’m going a tad north to Sarasota.
Honestly, I feel most of them live in Palm beach, Broward, and Dade county…where I am. It’s crawling with them.
Bleu.
I meant bleh
Strong,
How’s today? 🙂
So here’s what I got for today. How I reacted was wrong, and I attract this to me because my thoughts about it are, I am a victim of a bully etc. etc… and that I need to change my thoughts by looking at it from true compassion at her that she may be coming from a place of pain and fear as well.
That if I do that, it will change the behaviors of those in my reality. But, I ask, so when something like those things occur what do I do at that moment? You go into a meditative like state and look at it through compassion. Also, true compassion is not expecting them to change or behave a certain way, but you give compassion anyway. This is all from a spiritual lady at work.
I thought of her calling me, and then my phone rang.
They are worried because this is out of character for me. Also wondering if this is a side effect of a medication. I wondered it too, but my feelings leading up to that were feelings of being
overwhelmed…
And…….she said she thinks this is all related to what I just went through with the socio!, Yes, and I told her I am sensitive now to meanness from others, very, guess a trigger. Esp her making crazy jokes about me! And also I have been feeling less compassionate for people as I used to be. After I looked around at all the Ns in my life and un-empathetics, maybe I have become
angry and bitter and just have no tolerance to be around those.
Well, no justification for me physically fighting her. This was an analysis of what has taken place.
Again. I see my dr. on Monday.
Any thoughts from people who have read from yesterday are appreciated.
Strong, Thanks for being around!!
Remembertoforget,
The spath does not reside anywhere near there!
He is here in my city and thankfully has stayed away so far.
Today was terrible. I am being jerked around by the short term disability place and the claim lady is nor very nice.
We will leave it at that.
I decided to continue with the current therapist.
So, you have had a lot on your plate too.
I’m sorry you went through that.
I don’t condone violence but is sounds like you were backed into a corner and protected yourself.
That’s very brave of you to look at it from her perspective.
We are victims of the biggest bullies of all and it has affected us in ways that we have never imagined.
The spiritual lady at work sounds like a great soul.
Isn’t funny how people like her come into our lives at the right time.
I understand your wanting to call the girl, I probably would have wanted to do the same so the air could be cleared.
Who needs another thing like that dragging you down.
It may be a side effect of the meds or your body and mind said that you had enough at that point.
It happened to me too.
Luckily I was able to leave work before I had my meltdown and am still recovering.
Maybe look around on some anti bully sites to get some info.
I’m thinking that the info is very similar to the domestic violence websites.
I’m wondering if there is a hotline where you can call?
You are blessed to have people who DO care about you in your life.
I could only wish.
I am alone and have nobody but the cats to talk to but it’s ok.
It is what it is right now.
I have tried reaching out to the few friends I do have left and they have pretty much bailed.
I get a text every now and then.
The service for my ex husband is coming up Monday and I honestly can not wait.
It needed to happen weeks ago, but out of my control.
I text my therapist today and told him that I felt the spath would just love to see me like this, still in my robe and isolating myself.
I hate it, I am trying my best to reach out for help and I am hoping that I will get it.
I was angry that the therapist did not view(my thinking) my situation as domestic violence.
When I told him today I wanted to call the hotline he was supportive of that and it made me feel better.
I do not trust anyone, even him.
I had to check his license to make sure he was not fake.
Talk about paranoid.
I think your lack of compassion, perceived or real is a just what happens when you are recovering from this nightmare.
I am so sorry that someone, the bully and her sidekick made you resort to violence but I look at it as self defense.
I know you feel bad about it.
We have compassion, empathy and feelings.
We are human beings who make mistakes, recognize them and admit them.
We then take actions to find out how and why we reacted that way and try to make it right.
Please don’t be hard on yourself.
Did you make it over to be with your dad?
If so, I hope you have a nice visit and feel better.
I am always around!
I think I will be here for awhile.
Feel better!
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
I think I misread your post that you wanted to call the bully.
Sorry bout that if that’s not what happened.
SITC