Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Strong,
Well, we have certainly had a full few days. I’m glad the service is Monday so you can finally deal with that phase of your life. I hope your daughter is hanging in ok.
I made it here about an hour ago. I was crying off n on the way here. I also thought about you saying that’s how the bad one would probably like to see you, in a robe on the couch still, or something like that. Good news is- he doesn’t know how you are…
I am glad I see the psych on Monday, obviously I have a lot to tell him.
I’m more freaked out about bills now, and finding a job!!! My dad n step are saying please just rest here and relax from the hustle n bustle. Yes, it is nice.
Oh yea, at some point I will say sorry to the bully for touching her, but i’m not ready yet. I think I did that day wh err n she came back out.
Strong, we will get through all of this stuff. Life.
Thank God you can come here.
Have you been depressed, or just stressed out?
Sweet dreams, it’s late.
🙂
Remembertoforget,
Glad that you made it safe.
Sometimes you just have to cry.
It’s natural. You had another traumatic event happen.
I hope you are enjoying some quality daughter/dad time.
Let him pamper and take care of you.
A road trip sounds great!
You have inspired me to do something, yeah.
I feel pretty good today. I took a shower.
I too am worried about bills but it will all work out.
You will find another job.
I have zero dollars coming in right now but I HAVE to work through this now so that I can get better.
You too! I’m glad that you are seeing your doctor Monday.
How are you feeling now?
I have tried everything to relieve my anxiety and I feel it’s a little better today.
I have really cut down on caffeine. I only have coffee in the morning anyway so 2 days now only 1 cup in the morning and not as strong as I usually make it.
The service can not happen soon enough.
My daughter is shutting down emotionally,I know that she is dreading it but I know she will feel better after it’s over.
She is not being very nice right now but I will have a talk with her when things calm down.
Her verbal outbursts have pushed me away.
I am not a punching bag, not even for her.
I know she has been through a lot with her dad but so have all of us.
So, I saw this therapist again today and still uncertain how I feel about him.
Trust is something that must be earned.
We will see. I talked to him about the issue of my perceptions of him not viewing this spath situation as domestic violence.
I never really got a clear answer to him but something that stood out was him asking me how long I thought the spath would be bothering me.
I told him forever.
Now that I think of it he can only remain in my thoughts if I let him.
It’s not as if I am pining for him in any way it’s just the thought of the nerve he has to think he can just roll into town after everything that has happened and that I would want to see him.
Whatever. I am defiantly calming down a bit that he will show up here, but not letting my guard down either.
I am feeling…IDK..I guess a little depressed but not hopeless.
After what we have been through with the mind F&^% and all of the lies and craziness I think I am feeling what anyone would feel, except spaths!
Have a great time and do some self care.
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
SITC,
Hi there. I am glad you are calming down a bit. Cutting back on caffeine is a good idea. I didn’t even go for a second cup today for the same reason.
Are you using any lavender oil or anything in a burner? It helps a little. I have been rubbing peppermint on the back of my neck and it helps some soreness.
So, your daughter, ugh I bet she is so turned around inside. You will have the talks with her when it is just the right time.
Tomorrow I head back. I miss my stinkin dog after only a day hahaa.
I forgot to leave the key with my boss that day so I have to give it back. They are still giving me an opportunity to work there…I don’t feel comfortable, the two that talk crap all day and make fun- she the one always joking that i’m crazy and weird, (yes, because of the spath situation then my diagnosis), so I mean hello, they are really gonna have crap to talk now!!! So yea, no, I don’t feel comfortable going back there.
I want to work somewhere that they don’t know about my business, so they won’t have any crap to make jokes and entertain themselves with. To get attention with. Their sarcastic, rude, disrespectful jokes. so funny I forgot to laugh, yea really, I am an ass for letting it get too far. I did tell my boss little things here and there, and others, but I am still learning to put up boundaries here! Next time they are going up right away. How bout I don’t talk to anyone and act real scary and crazy so they leave me alone. Haha.. just kidding.
Oh boy, life, it’s crazy.
I asked my dad then step mom if I ever seemed to them like I have a victim mentality, in general like my whole life if I was like oh poor me I deserve this and that the whole socio type stuff too… lol
They said no, see because the spiritual lady kept using that phrase on the phone- NO lady i’m not crying victim, i’m just saying straight up that her behavior is bully-ish!!
Grrrrrrrr.
Strong, God Bless you, and your daughter, and the family.
I know you took a leave from work, is it done now?
I reached out to someone today about a job, but I need to hustle one quick!
Prayers for everyone.
The spiritual lady commented like good thing it didn’t happen at publix- like as if I could have flipped out at publix. NO they don’t harass me at publix, and you are in and out quickly at publix. This is on going. So annoying. No lady, No.
Remembertoforget,
Quick reply..full reply coming!
Can you go back to that work place and possibly work when the bullies are not there.
This will keep you not too stressed about money while you look for another jog??
If you get a chance check out on youtube Randy Andrettis videos they are great..
Try to look at them in order oldest to newest
Let me know what you think.
SITC
SITC,
Wow, I just clicked on him on youtube.
A lot of stuff there!
Gonna lay down and check some out now.
Remembertoforget,
Hi there.
So Randy is a woman!
I found her videos so interesting because she starts her vlog with diary notes from 16 years ago when she first started dating the man she eventually married and was discarded for a woman half his age and of another race.
****DISCLAIMER^^^^
I am not racist nor do I have any views or opinions on mixed race marriages.
It’s what happened to her.
Anywho…
Hope you have/had a safe trip back home and when you go back to give the key hold your head up high.
It’s something that happened and please don’t get too hung up on it.
Keep on truckin along!
We can do this.
Stronginthecity
Remember to Forget and Strong in the City
I watched some of Randy’s videos too. Sometimes what resonates for one person doesn’t resonate with another. I think she says a lot of what people here on LF say, and having a face on a video is powerful… to look a real person saying what we go through feels more authentic, and makes me feel more sure that she knows her stuff.
You already know that I shout the praises of George Simon, he resonated with me because I wanted a professional to agree that there are people who are able to pretend in life and play pretend their entire lifes, and yet at home, behind closed doors, he/she is a monster.
I don’t believe anyone “snaps” when they murder someone. There is always something else happening, a personality disorder that knows right from wrong, i.e. controlling borderline/sociopath/narcissist… or a brain disorder that has lost connection with reality, such as alzheimers or schizophrenic.
My ex is capable of murder. I KNOW that because he went that far. But up to that, he was a monster towards me, the emotional/mental/financial abuse, his extortion of my relationship with the daughter that I refused to leave behind… life was awful being married to him, a trap until my daughter was old enough to leave home. I know people if he had been successful at ending my life, people would have said he snapped. But that wouldn’t have been true. He was merely someone who was proud of being in control, proud of having a certain reputation that he KNEW was NOT true, and he reveled in his awareness that he was not hampered by (weak, he said) feelings that govern the rest of us, guilt/empathy/heartache/loyalty etc.
You guys are an inspiration to read. Thanks for the Randy recommendation. The internet and youtube esp have exploded with so many people we can identify with. When I left my husband, I was certain that I was ALONE in my nightmare and a total nutcase. Now I know, it happens to countless others.
NotWhatHesaidofMe,
Thank you for the response.
How are you today?
I want to first and foremost tell you that I really don’t know how to respond to the fact that this person tried to kill you.
I want to wrap my arms around you and not say a word.
You are so brave for escaping the demented workings of what was put upon you by somebody that is so sick and twisted.
I’m just going to come out and ask.
I know that you are capable and strong enough to express what you are willing to share or not share.
I wanted to know if he is in prison.
I ask because..IDK I just wanted to know is all.
Like you I am trying to recover my relationship with my daughter who’s dad just passed.
He was my ex husband and was abusive physically and emotionally.
After our divorce he spoiled the shit out of my daughter and I see the pain in her eyes as she tells me that she is ok.
She is angry with me right now, but thats nothing new.
I’m sure it’s going to be a long road and I can not wait until this memorial service is over.
The narc sister in law, care taker of everyone(and makes sure everyone knows) has already found a new victim her elderly uncle while trying to hijack my relationship with my daughter.
That a whole other thread!
I came upon Randy’s videos because for so long I have been trying to fight off what I am feeling.
I was searching and searching for some validation that what I (we) have gone through is real and so terrible that I just want everyone to understand.
I was trying to hurry up and get through this pain and make it go away.
I was(still am working on it) pissed that mental health professionals are not recognizing this NSV as something very real and it’s own animal so to speak.
I don’t deny my part..not blaming myself at all..but my own personal shit that I did not deal with, Lord knows I have tried but obviously not hard enough, played a part in letting this one person put me through the new term I found on Beverly Banov’s youtube channel called ghosting..ya know when they just disappear.
So I went through intensive therapy in 2006-7 which cost me big bucks and not only in dollars.
Because I was not educated about what the hell had happened I decided to leave my very high paying full time cushy job that I had worked over 12 years pushing my self up the ladder in the only field I have ever actually loved and was good at to go back to school.
Not to say that furthering your education is a bad thing ever but don’t as they say quit your day job.
So here I sit, in my robe on a beautiful Saturday afternoon watching youtube videos and finally decided that it’s ok to feel like this.
I am done fighting it.Done.
I an just going to sit with this and continue self care.
NWHSOM, Remembertoforget and everyone else who has been here right now I am grateful that we are all alive and I am good with that for right now.
Look how we have all come together and poured our hearts and soul here.
It’s very healing to have a place finally where I do not have to force someone to understand what I have been through.
I am still harboring some contempt(work in progress) for the mental health profession.
All I have learned and what I have become today is due to Lovefraud and the resources and guidance I have received from thrivers and those that may be posting here for the first time.
Please continue to post anything that you like and want others to take a look at or thoughts or suggestions on what has helped you to move forward.
I hope everyone has a great day and be kind to yourself.
Stronginthecity
StrongintheCity
No he’s not in prison. And had he been successful, he wouldn’t have been in prison. He’s a sociopath. He’d planned his crime for YEARS. He’s the MOST charming man you will EVER meet. Everyone loves him and wants him to love them back. EVERYONE….Except for those few who’ve been on the receiving end of his vengeance when his mask was off.
So yes, SITC, let yourself do what your body tells you it needs to heal, or to find peace, or to find the answers that you need. Or whatever you/your body tells you. (sometimes it’s hard to listen or to hear.)
I needed a lot of answers and then I needed time to process because the answers were SO bizarre. So when I say, the answers “YOU” need, don’t ever let someone tell you to just get over it, or stop dwelling, or poopoo your experience in any way. As you know, they don’t know S*. It’s not good to get stuck so don’t stay stuck, but if you need to ponder something for a while, then PONDER, and ponder some more. I learned A LOT, about sociopaths and narcissists and borderline personality disorder and ways they were similar and ways they were different. And I learned things about the dregs of humanity and how low and empty humanity can go, shadow of death stuff that I could have lived without knowing.
Walks in the woods helped me a lot. My friend swears by the sound of the beach waves. I LOVE sailing but the beach waves didn’t do it for me. The sounds in the woods did. The silence. I felt so secure. The smell, the feel. The twittering of songbirds.
And then came a time when I no longer wanted to feel the way I did, and that’s when I took all I learned and went into action, in a thoughtful, planned, strategy. I am on the other side of HELL, where my life is mine again. I know what is my “s*” and that I am NOT responsible for other people’s “s*” no matter how much they say I am, commanding me to do their bidding.
I’ve learned a lot of life lessons and I live by most of them now. One is that I only have X number of days left on this earth and I use my time to serve others who will appreciate what I have to offer which is NOT the same thing as being used by a vicious self serving narcissistic narrowminded self absorbed self entitled A*.
I am NEVER settling for less than…. Dignity. Self respect. Self responsible. Accountable. FUN. Hard working. Interdependent. Caring. Resourceful. Thinking. Curious. Exploring. Nature/critter lover. Faithful to GOD. Compassionate. Etc. etc.
NotWhatHeSaidofme,
Thank you for sharing.
I am so glad that you are safe and away now.
Life is now.
I absolutely love walks in the woods too.
My life dream has always been to buy a place in the country, always.
Land where I can have a couple of horses and let my kitty’s play outside safely.
It’s funny(not haha) now that I look back when I finally had started dating someone authentic that could share my dream I allowed the spath to come back into my life and lost him.
I was promised my dream would come true by someone with less than honorable intentions.
I am on my own now and learning to love me.
I can still have that and now is a better time than ever before.
Love, love your last paragraph.
They are qualities that are non negotiable.
SITC
Strong,
Hi it’s late but I wanted to write back…
I listened to 8 of her diary entries so far. Interesting. Especially when he called an ex 7 times from her house, and when confronted she notes how he does a lot of talking but no real explaining!!!!
Bleh…
I tried to think about the ex on the drive home wondering did I not really heal up from it or sone thing? I only ended up shedding one tear, so I guess i’m over him?
Anyways, i’m delerious…
I hope your day was alright today…I feel like people around have a lot going on right now. Changes.
Must be that lunar eclipse. Heh.
Night…xoxo
Remembertoforget,
Hi there.
I hope you slept in and got some rest.
I have been sleeping a lot lately and I since I was sleep deprived for 2 years I am allowing my body to tell me whats good.
I wrote here that I am finally just allowing myself to say hey, this is what has happened I understand it and I am just going to feel it.
No more fighting.
Now that I am completely NC in all of it’s real glory for the first time ever I can allow myself to feel.
Everything I do including the breakfast I made for ME this morning was for myself.
It’s very freeing.
I hope that you are comfy today with your dog and not thinking too much about what happened at work.
It’s something that just happened.
Are their consequences?
Hell yes but look at it like this.
You as a normal person with feelings will take this situation and use it to help you understand more about you.
Thank you for being brave enough to share it here with us.
I know that my postings are rambling and go off in different tangents but all I write is from my heart.
I will just sit with my feelings today and most likely do some meditations.
I love them and thank you for telling me about them.
I hope you have a wonderful day and I will be around today, hangin with the kitties!
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
Oh yes, I think after I heard that part I think that was in diary 1 or 2 I was hooked.
I especially like the rotten tooth video.
So through her videos and the others I am subscribed to I found another lady that I really like.
https://youtu.be/6IQm4nhjMug
Beverly Banov Brown is her name and I think she gives some REALLY awesome advice that I wish I had gotten a LONG time ago from one of my very pricey therapists.
Especially the one that I want to find and shake.
The one the spath actually attended a 2 hour long session a long time ago…..UGH
Sorry,not going there.
I saw my daughter yesterday and thank goodness this memorial service a month after her dad died is going to be over soon and we can begin to move forward and heal.
Please don’t feel bad that you cried when you thought about the disordered one.
It’s normal.
The fact that you only shed one tear is very telling that you are in process.
We are going to ok!!!
Just imagine(only for 1 minute max) that you were still with him or someone like him.
Hugs to you and the lunar eclipse!
SITC
Notwhathesaid and Strong,
I am going to check out the guys videos you mentioned, George Simon.
I really thought things wouldn’t have gotten worse for me on a personal level because immediately after the drawn out harassment, confusing, crazy breakup, when I became clinically depressed for the first time ever (only mild functioning depression before, and during chemo), I went to the hospital and got on antidepressants that saved me.
I now realize that I too should have taken time off then, like you did SITC, and maybe this breakdown wouldn’t have happened. Either way, I had to work, had to pay bills.
I now realize how my work environment wasn’t a great environment for me to be recovering in. The place is like a playground, a free for all, and I knew them already and hadn’t set up any kind of boundaries from the start. Had never learned about boundaries until the spath.
I let her push and push until I flipped out like a young girl and felt like that’s how I had to defend myself. It always felt like a no win, because saying anything to her would end up with her nasty attitude and defending herself as she did that day.
So, she kept calling me crazy until I gave her crazy I guess.
I have learned lessons in all this.
It’s not my place to know if she has. They are all concerned about me because of that anger that I displayed towards her.
Making mean jokes are ways to be mean without having to take any responsibility. There were so many times that she would just be plain ol mean, and not even joke. They all think she is so nice. She doesn’t be mean to any of them.
I’m not sure if she is an N, but she comes from an abusive background and relationships. She has a bit of N traits. It’s always about her, her, her.
All the attention should be on her.
I don’t know what it means to inject illegal gel into your buttocks to make it bigger either.
I do not hate her. I send love out to her. I didn’t handle the boundaries and communicating properly. It was a toxic-ish not a healing environment for me to be in, and I judged her as a mean girl. She is. I saw it day in and day out. Then sometimes, when it was just us there… so nice to me.
I just had to vent it out as I have been thinking about it all.
I’m sick over it. I disrupted my life routine.
I just want to take the lessons, and move on. Healthy, and not with meanies.
Happy Saturday guys…
One day at a time.
Remember to Forget
It’s a little late to warn you but there’s this other personality disorder that’s out there. Borderline. They love drama, they love pushing buttons to the breaking point. Then they run and hide, claiming victimhood. It’s a set up.
So while you think the worst is a sociopath, it seemed that when I was vulnerable, these borderline personality disorders seem to fixate on me. I guess they could feel my desperation. It’s kind of a one two punch. I’ve seen it happen to others… they went from sociopath to a borderline.
Borderlines are highly sensitive TO THEMSELVES. So it feels NORMAL esp after life with a Sociopath. Just beware and take stock of people in your life. I think the B* in your life sounds Borderline. You have to deal with them differently than you do with sociopaths or with normal people. But… like sociopaths you do have to implement NC as best you can, don’t engage, be civil and professional, NOT social, that kind of thing.
Time for tea and a biscuit. And maybe a nap.
Remember,
It’s been a while since I’ve checked in. I’ve read here and there. What is going on with you lady? Sounds like this girl at work is a real B. What in the world happened for you to physically react? Please fill me in (if you’re up to it), it’s hard to find all the posts on here when not reading up.
Are you okay??? How are you feeling now? I’m worried about you. I also know how strong you are and you will prevail.
I’ve been caught up with lots of work. My narc boss harassing me. Little does she know I’ve gone above and beyond to cover my ass and am being so professional it’s beyond me.
I set a boundary for myself to stay single and focus on me for the the amount of time I spent with my ex. I made it! And celebrated with friends. I’m so proud of myself.
The ex drove by while I was on a training run yeaterday and smirked at me while driving slow enough I could see him. It’s not a small city but he lives not so far away. Coincidence? Normally he follows me through strangers… So gross. Yesterday I was good thinking it was coincidence. Today on the other hand…
KeepingOn,
Hey there stranger!
I saw the spath is gracing you with his presence, I had an unwelcome visitor today…
UGH
911 here we come.
Will they ever just GO AWAY???
SITC
SITC,
I must have been typing when you were typing.
Haha.
Yes, just breathe, relax on the out breath. I should do this stuff too…
Thank you for being there for me, and yes, I just wanted to say it, what I did.
Yes, I want to be healthy. I have empathy. I just still have wounds that need to heal.
And I bet the Dr. is going to just dose me up on more medication. we will see.
My other post was rambling. Just venting.
Your daughter, I feel for her. I know it’s got to be so hard.
You have one more day and then you can have the service. And when you go in, take a few deep breaths in and out.
Remembertoforget,
Yes, we were talking to each other at the same time.
I can really understand where you are coming from.
I had lots of bullies at work and I think they like the spaths can smell it out.
They know how to get the digs in when you are already feeling bad.
I think that if someone called me crazy I would have reacted the same way.Honestly.
I made the mistake of telling a couple of co workers that I thought were my friend just snippets of what was going on because #1 they asked me what was wrong and # they were nurses and social workers I thought they could help me but then I clammed up because I knew they were talking shit behind my back.
So I am now broke, cut off from my pay and don’t know what is next.
Oh well, it will work out.
I hope that the doctor will get your medication adjusted and you will feel better soon.
The healing is going to take time and I have just accepted that I can not force it to happen.
Is there a way for you to possibly do some work out of your home?
A few clients here and there when you feel up to it?
Just a thought.
On the boundary issue..
I did not even know what a boundary was let alone implement one until I started doing my research, when things were so crazy with the spath…he was making me feel like I WAS crazy.
It’s amazing how much info is out there about personality disorders and the person who has shit injected into her butt well what can I say about that?
I can have empathy for someone from an abusive back round that has to do that to their bodies.
SITC
Not,
Thanks for the input.
I think my mom is borderline, and she’s been doing conscious-less things to me my whole life, and yes crying victim.
The sociopath had some borderline traits to him but we ho knows.
I think I just have issues, lol.
I wouldn’t do or say the heartless things those B’s have done. And i’m not crying victim of a bully either, but they kinda acted like I was. She did too, she said I was playing the victim. I was just repeating to her how she acts to me.
You may be on to something….
🙂
Hi NWHSOM, SITC, RTF & everyone. I really appreciate how supportive you are being to one another and how thankful I am for this forum that we can all share our experiences on. I wanted to weigh in on the subject of bullies. In a workplace environment when an individual or individuals are consistently taking shots or we notice they are conveniently leaving out certain important details to give a certain impression, these people are showing us a glimpse into their character. I am thrilled to hear that you are going to look at Dr Simon’s work and I think that his explanations of covertly aggressive people will resonate with you. When others cloak their aggression in so called jokes or humor, when they deliver it within so called deep concern and counsel to ” encourage ” you, it can be tough to see on its face value. What I am endeavoring to do is to look beyond the delivery system or package that the message is wrapped in and to look at the message itself.
Related to that is the idea of stripping away labels that can trip me up or prevent me from being honest and equitable in my perceptions. These preconceptions are everywhere and the disordered hide behind them with ease and comfort. Badges. I don’t need no stinking badges. Authority, implied authority, titles, family, religion, causes, activism, gender. You name it. If you can put a label on it, the preconceptions that societal expectations put on that label can provide camouflage for a disturbed character. Just like a spathy cop will present differently than a spathy drug dealer or a spathy minister, a spathy female can present very differently than a male. Even that label spath can trip us up if we let it. Not that there’s no use in understanding the distinctions, but more importantly that when we see the underlying toxicity to whatever version that they are, that we see it for what it is. Anyway I gotta go. Thanks to all of you. Your posts are strong and encouraging.
I always thought my youngest son, the pentecost pastor, must have realized some goings-on between my ex-spath husband of 20 years but i did not know how wrong i was. I left my aweful life 1 year ago, and have not looked back with anything less than contempt and pity for that lost soul unable to feel. However, i did not anticipate the years of preparation he had taken to insure my ruin. He knew full well i no longer cared for him, therefore he took steps to drive a wedge between my children and i forever. I wondered for so long who was spreading such vicious lies and never suspected it to be the one who was “there for me” through it all. Once again the fool, my son accused me of leaving his father for another man, cheating and lying to his father for years, and all thise times where i was crazy were thrown in my face. He would not let me take up or explain myself. He says at least dads trying. Id like to know trying what? He lives with a woman out of wedlock, does not attend church, smokes, drinks, does not work. I live here in my sons apartment with my other son, have a job, attend his church regularly, never drink or do any drugs. Apparently i have brought a bad spirit into the apartment.
I visit this website almost daily. I rarely post but i dont feel so alone. A close friend told me i dont get over it because i am always on the internet looking at these things. I know if i did not find this forum id likely be dead now, but what do they know. I am not crazy, or throwing pity parties, or anything less than finding a way of coping from this deserted island of a life ive got.
Noone will ever understand unless they go through it. In my experience, very few can relate to 20 years of extreme emotional and mental abuse.
My daughter still wont speak to me or allow me to see my grandchildren. My sons still believe me to be crazy, liar, lowlife drug addict. Both my dogs died within 3 months of each other, and i wonder how much a person can actually handle. We are stronger than we realize. And when we think the pain is to much to bear- we can take more of it. Ive become very spiritual. I go to church as much as possible. I pray. I cry and I dance, and somtimes fall to the floor exhausted from the pain of this life. But its pentecostal church so its ok.
If it werent for God i would surely perish of heartache. He is all i have at times, and when noone else has a clue of the depth of my pain, He does. Never lose faith sometimes its all thats left.
isogrl1
You are so right, that if someone hasn’t gone THROUGH it, they will NEVER understand.
Your friend means well but… it’s bad advice.
The reason it’s bad is because it’s a breakup with a disordered person, a person with NO conscience. YOU have been the recipient of several forms of abuse, ASSAULTS on your psyche. You’ve had NO relief, NO chance to recover from those assaults. SO Now, just like someone who’s been robbed or in a car accident wants to make sense of the trauma, SO DO WE. And an ASSAULT is TRAUMA, even when it’s not physical.
You can tell your friend that it’s not the usual marriage breakdown. And you can offer them some youtube videos. But… am sorry to say, you might lose your friend. She might even be spying for your husband; sociopath frequently use our friends to betray us.
I lost a lot of support because I would not forgive and forget, that “these things happen”. But… that’s NOT TRUE!! Those people telling me to “get over it and move on” would NEVER Tolerate for themselves what they expected me to submit to.
You may lose your kids for a bit. They are also trying to make sense, and the one son who is sticking up for his dad wants YOU to be the one to make it all make sense for him. If only you’d admit to what he accuses you of, then… (you know) it makes sense. Only you CAN’T because that would be a LIE.
You can make a deal with your son, the kind of deal I made with my daughter, that I accept responsibility for ALLLLL my “S*” but NONE of My husbands. I stopped discussing her father with her. I stopped discussing my pain and the assaults done to me. I stopped because a kid can’t hardly stand that their parent is that vulnerable… they feel SO BAD. So I stopped those type of conversations because my daughter just needed to deal with her own “S*”, no one elses. SO I did my best, told her I was there to explain what he did to HER, when/if she needed insight but other than that, I was NOT her doormat, I was her mom who only wanted what was best for her, and being mean to me was NOT GOOD FOR HER… OR ME.
I don’t know why you are living with your son, but I wish you the best on getting your own place… and that might help with him… so he doesn’t see his mom being anything but self reliant and self care taking. He might be an adult, but he still thinks of himself as your little boy… and little boys are uncomfortable seeing their mom in the state that a sociopath takes them into.
I do LIVE FOR GOD, b/c like you said so very truthfully, no one has a clue of the depth of my pain but GOD. I found a path through the nightmare hanging onto the hand of GOD, 23 PSALM was my last prayer at night and the first in the morning.
I hope you understand my message. I am NOT coming down on your need for help from your son after the nightmare from your husband… I am just saying it’s REEAAALLLY hard on EVEN grown up kids to see their mom brought so low.
TAKE CARE of YOU the best you can. That’s all that GOD asks, for us to do our best, whatever “best” is at that moment.
Sorry… b/c I do have a clue of the depth of your pain. ANd I wish I could take it away. I don’t wish that enormous grief for ANYONE.
pps My daughter was a jerk for quite a while but after I stopped trying to get her to understand what her dad did to me, when I just kept my grief to myself, when I told her that I was going to take the time to figure things out and IF SHE had any questions, I would answer them but she was not entitled to be mean to me… it took a YEAR but now she’s talking to me again, as if I am an adult and WORTHY… no more contempt or rudeness. So… putting a boundry on her snide snottiness didn’t change things immediately but it did turn things around for both of us.
ppps It DOES get better. In fact, it gets SO much better that I found being discarded by my sociopath husband to actually end up being a blessing from GOD, who drove evil OUT of my life.
BEST,
NWHSOM
isogrl1,
Hello there and thanks for posting here.
How do you feel now that you have?
Sometimes it feels good to let it out and just talk to people who completely understand.
I get how frustrating it can be when even your close friends do not get it.
You are not alone there.
People who have not been through it simply don’t get it and I have decided to stop trying to make them understand because it is sucking the small amount of energy I do have.
So here I sit, about an hour ago my ex spath that I have been NC with and changed my phone number had the nerve to come to my house.
I was paralyzed with fear when I saw it was him, but I have regained my bearings now and am ready for him to come back so that I can finally file a police report.
I am so sorry to hear about your family and the brainwashing that your ex has done to them.
They are nasty animals.
Keep your faith.
Then your dear pets passed?
I know you wonder how much a person can bear.
I am so sorry about you dogs.
My pets are my only trusted companions right now.
I hope that your son will eventually realize the smear campaign against you is exactly that.
Lies and more lies about you.
Keep posting here if you feel comfortable.
Hugs to you,
Stronginthecity
4light2shine,
Wow. Thank you for that insight!
It really got me!
Disguises. Fake, I guess is another word. I had a hard time figuring her out as fake, but she has to be! She jokes with a lot for attention, but not as frequent and on their known weak spots as me. Also, the times when she was just flat out mean and nasty to me- she NEVER did that to anyone else there!, yet then the times when she needs my assistance, or I supplied her with adoration and praise for a job well done, she was indeed sweet.
I told my ex boss at lunch today, yes, I was the asshole for handling it with a fight, but when I was younger that’s how it ended up happening. They were always from someone messing with me until I exploded. I wasn’t a weirdo. I was popular and cheerleader. Hahaaaaa. Too much. 41 and now look.
N’s and P’s and B’s all around.
Next time i’m smacking up a boundary from day 1!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
God Bless you guys
Remembertoforget,
OMG, he the spath about 30 minutes ago came to my HOUSE.
He has the balls to actually come on to my front porch and knock with his stupid keys.
I am shaking and about to vomit.
I have my phone all set up with 911 and the video recorder on for when he comes back and he will.
I was in my bedroom and I heard someone loudly come up the front stairs, then the knocking with the keys and after the second knock I got up to see who is knocking at my door only to see HIM walking fast down the stairs and jumped in his car and then drive past again.
I documented and will sit here and wait.
He has such nerve to just show up here after the funeral yesterday.
I hate him and will smack him with some boundaries if he shows up here again….
How are you doing?
I see you said ex boss.
Does that mean you will not go back?
SITC
SITC,
Oh noo!
You’re doing good! No answering. Document and keep monitoring!
How did you feel about seeing him leaving your house?
This is a quick reply until later.
No i’m not going back, not looking back. Taking my lessons and keeping forward movement, after a few days of rest.
I don’t know how I would feel if I heard from or saw Spath ever again. I highly doubt I ever will.
Remembertoforget,
Oh now I am sitting right in the living room waiting …cell phone and pepper spray right here.
I am documenting everything and even got a photo as he was driving away.
I even wrote down what he was wearing and exact time.
Sure he thinks I am at work and will come back at the time he thinks I come home.
I feel terrified but ok. I knew it was sooner or later.
I put a call into the therapist too.
I’m still shaking but trying to remain calm.
He looked like a thug.
Glad you are taking some time for you and not going back to the toxic place.
Good for you!
SITC
Strong and Remember,
The chaos these people can cause in lives is unimaginable! I still have a hard time wrapping my head around all we endure from their chaos.
Strong, I’m so glad you have a safety plan on place. Hopefully he won’t stop by again, but considering his patterns we know he most likely will. What a creep.
Remember, I’ve been reading through your posts. I’m sorry about your job, although it sounds like you’re taking the right steps. I agree with others that bad people are good at baiting. You know this girl’s intentions were bad but now you look like the bad one because of how you reacted. They are so talented at switching things around so that they can play victim. 🙁
I think you’re wise to consider a job where you can chose those who are safe to confide in. It’s emotionally safer that way. I know longer share at work when something happens. And things definitely still happen!
I have no doubt you’ll find a new job, keep safe boinderies and be emotionally stronger when the bad ones come your way. God gives us signs to move direction, even if it’s not all pleasant. This will app be a good thing in hindsight. Your ex was so toxic and you are still moving forward. Your work situation was adding to his toxity.
I feel it’s great you’re taking accountability for your actions but be kind to you. Yes, you were diagnosed with bipolar but I strongly believe you just had enough. Enough is enough! Stay strong. You’ve got this! 🙂
Keeping On,
Hello! Thanks for the encouragement!
I can’t believe you saw your ex!,you said you would…
I am glad to be out of there. They are not the type to be around while healing. My ex boss yes, but she doesn’t care how they act. They make her money.
There was a time that I saw a flag with the girl. After her funny antics I told her a prank to do to her and she literally got serious like why would I do that to her!
I thought wow, she’s quick and good and manipulative.
I would say aww she’s nice she’s my friend then 2 days later she’s a bully.
I have no doubt now. Her mouth is relentless.
I’m going to start over and keep my mouth shut.
Fresh start.
Funny, because she has no one to be her punching bag anymore. Her little pet.
The Dr asked me if that was the only person I had a problem with, and I said yes. I think that was a good sign. Lol
I hope that boss is behaving at you job!
Strong, hang tight, and your phone will work!!!!!
Remember,
Good for you for catching on to her ways so early in the game! She sounds shady. You are just human so naturally you gave her the benefit of the doubt at the beginning. Lesson learned for next time around to trust your gut before things escalate. Managing bad people is a learning process I’ve discovered!
I think your Dr is spot on and her being your only problem is a BIG sign. It’s not like you have a pattern…
Yep, the ex finally revealed himself. He’s still been stalking get just not in ways where he physically reveals himself. Which is what makes it hard to chalk it up to coincidence even though I want to! It just creeps me out because it’s like he knows my every move. For some reason even though strangers have known my every move (no doubt orchestrated by him) it makes it more real seeing him. It’s hard to come up with different realities. Make sense?