Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Remembertoforget you have plenty of insights of your own. You are learning some tough life lessons and you are paying attention. That is the important part, that we not squander the opportunities that we have for personal growth. So you’re not perfect. Welcome to the club. I’m as flawed as anyone. What I like is how you own what you did. That takes some backbone, some integrity, and opens the door wide for healthy relationships and the ability to resolve conflicts. It’s getting tougher out there. There are growing numbers of manipulative, deceptive people out there that we will have to encounter. I have seldom had to deal with pugilistic bullies since I was in high school. Most bullies don’t use their fists. They enjoy inflicting verbal and emotional blows. Some will go to any length to bait you and set the hooks to set you off. That is their intent. With some it’s just for sport. Others have an agenda to paint you as a hothead or a confrontational trouble maker. Yep. I know that one well.
KeepingOn,
Yes, he came here all cocky and so spath like.
He appeared more thug like then I had ever seen him.
I bought him J Crew to try to make him look normal but I guess he likes black hoodies and a thug hat instead.
Lord knows what he is doing here in my city ..hmm I wonder what the connection could be between a big city and small town Florida.
He would not try to show his mug at the funeral yesterday as the place was crawling with my ex husbands police friends.
Pu^^&.
Let him try to pull that crap again.
I am not playing anymore.
Thanks for your support.
I need all I can get.
My therapist did not feel the need to call me back.
So, I guess I’m on my own.
Hopefully I can dial the phone unlike my reoccurring nightmare where the numbers don’t work.
UGH.
Stay safe!
SITC
Keeping On!
Hello!
Thank you for the encouragement!
Yes, there were things about her that posed a red flag, one time after many of her antics, I made a joke about playing a trick on her, and she kinda got all serious and literally acted like she didn’t understand why I would do that!
It was weird, I thought wow, she was quick and good with that.
I used to go home sometimes and say aww so n so is so nice, she’s my friend, n then 2 days later be like she’s such a bully.
Maybe she has something too. Drastically changes fake hair every month, fake eyelashes, lips, illegal gel injected in her butt, sky high stilletos to work every day, always talking about looks, and is a baby mama number 3.
Geezers. Yea, I will keep my mouth shut, I get to start fresh. The Dr asked me is this the only person you have problems with? I said yes, so I have a feeling that’s a good sign. Lol.
I hope work is ok. I can’t believe you saw your ex too! You said you would! Barf…
Strong- hang tight, and don’t worry the numbers will work on the phone!!!!!!!
Oh wow- the reply did post! Sorry for a duplicate response guys!
Tech difficulties.
Look up narcissist victim syndrome, it’s a real thing…
It’s in the new DSM5.
SITC
Remembertoforget,
I just saw this post!
Wow, imagine the time, money and energy it takes to be so fake.
I’m surprised her fake hair did not fall off her head.
I’m sorry I am not making fun of your situation but honestly sucks to be her.
I ran into a person like this yesterday at the pharmacy.
I had never seen this one before as this place I have been going to over 10 years and the pharmacists know me and are always very kind and helpful…professional.
This one is a pharmacy tech and one thing I can take away from the therapist is something he told me to do when I am annoyed with a situation is to take the power and control and make it happen.
So after I go to the courthouse I will stop to pick up my rx, I will then have a chat with the pharmacist and tell her/him what my experience was like with this one and insist they have a chat with her or I will take my business elsewhere.
About the numbers on the phone..I did not have that dream last night.
I slept well!
I hope you are feeling good today!
SITC
STRONGintheCity
Can I just say WHOO HOOOO WOMAN! You’ve gone from crisis to making GREAT choices, got yer head on straight, and I sure am INSPIRED by the way you faced your fears and did what you needed to do… even to the way you managed the issue with the pharmacist. BRAVO!
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
Hi there.
I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your encouragement and resources.
I checked out the professional resources from George Simons website and emailed a therapist near me, stating specifically what I was looking for and never heard back.
I won’t let that stop me.
There were others, I am in the US, that are nearby so I will just keep truckin along.
How are you doing?
I hope that you are having a nice weekend!
I love his website and videos, so much info.
What Dear Lord have we gotten ourselves into with these people?
It’s been quiet tonight after this week of visits by the spath and court.
I am on edge and doing my best to self care.
I just pray he goes away.
I called the phone # for the domestic abuse hotline connected to the court system in my city where I filed the emergency order of protection and spoke to someone who was a survivor based on her caring nature and recommendations of what to do when he shows up again as he has not been served yet.
I am documenting everything I do as this goes along.
He knows how long he can be at my front door before the police arrive and then he takes off.
Sigh….
Any advice that you or any one else has would be welcomed.
Thank you again,
SITC
KO, strong, 4light,
I had to type that twice, my phone is acting up, but I just want to say Thank you for your support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🙂
Hi All,
ADVICE NEEDED.PLEASE
So yesterday the spath came to my house as he had been leaving me messages 2 weeks ago before I changed my phone #.
Problem is I called my therapist yesterday after he showed up and he never called me back.
Is this typical?
The last therapist I had was 2007 after the first discard and she even met him and knew he was a liar but never mentioned he could have this personality disorder.
If I had known back then I would have researched just as I am doing now and would have not taken him back.
I do admit that my childhood issues come into play but I feel both therapists are either not aware or downplaying the situation as it’s part of the big picture.
I AM CONFUSED.
SHOULD I FIRE THE NEW THERAPIST????
Pleas tell me if I am overreacting?
I am still off work and have been cut off from pay and no way ready to go back.
I need some serious advice.
Thank you,
Stronginthecity
HI Strong.
It’s too early to pull the plug on the therapist.
I say that b/c you haven’t said that your therapy is set to to be “on demand”, that is… did you set up your therapy so that you receive help whenever you call? Or is it set up as appointment based? Otherwise, you can call again and leave another message b/c you don’t know what’s going on in his practice and it’s unfair to yourself and to him to assume.
Did your jerk come into your home or just came by and you didn’t answer the door? Can you call the police and tell them, ask for a driveby.
If you didn’t answer the door, then GOOD for YOU. and… CONTINUE THAT behavior!
Take a step back and self empower.
1) Lower your stress with deep breathing, change your state of being.
2) Don’t respond to him, NC is for YOU.
3) Leave another message for the therapist.
4) Write back and let us know you are safe.
Best, NWHSOM
ps There’s no such thing as over-reacting to a sociopath. They are the epitome of dangerous predators. So no self blame, okay?!!?! But I do want you to CHOSE your response rather than react to being triggered by a sociopath. Thus… self empower list. 🙂
NotWhatHeSaidofMe,
Thank you for your response.
I read it 3 times and thought about it.
No, we never had a call on an emergent basis, as a matter of fact he has never said call me if anything comes up so as of right now he has still not called me back.
The disordered one came to the door.
I was home but in another room and was not expecting anyone to come over.
I heard someone loudly walking up the front stairs and then I heard loud knocking on my window with keys.
I froze and grabbed my phone and peeked out of the other room as the person was knocking a second time.
It all happened so fast.
By the time I started walking to the front room I saw him running down the stairs and quickly get in his car and then turned around and drove past my house again.
I got my bearings and sat waiting for him to come back so I could call the police as soon as I saw him approach the house but he never did.
He will be back.
I am empowering myself and you are correct.
NC is up to me.
I do not intend to speak with him other than through the window tell him he is not wanted here and I will be dialing 911 at that point.
I refuse to be a prisoner in my own home.
I am safe right now.
I am working very hard on this.
I do not desire any contact with him whatsoever.
I feel like it was an audition for when he comes back.
I will not hide when I hear someone at my door.
As for the therapist what bothers me is that I don’t think he understands or has no training regarding the way these people work.
I can not force him to understand.
He goes agree that he is a sick individual but IDK, I am not trusting of many people right now.
I can choose to continue to search for a professional who understands.
I have an uneasy feeling about him for some reason.
Thank you again for your response and very helpful and kind words.
SITC
stronginthecity
I implore you to not speak to the narcissist, not even to say go away or the police have been called. Just by telling him he’s not wanted is giving him what he wants.
Starve a narcissist by not acknowledging their existence. (ps When you look back, denying them their manipulative control thrill will be a victory for you. NC is GOOD for you on many levels.)
As far as the therapist is concerned, I say go with your gut. You know when you are being invalidated. You’re paying for a service and if you aren’t getting it, then I support you looking for someone who does.
I had a wonderful therapist who helped me break free of my abusive husband, and I can not emphasize enough how precious that was to me, it sent me on my path to validating myself. BUT… In the end, I felt disappointed when she mentioned that he was merely “not in touch with his feelings.” Such a statement meant she didn’t really understand the nature of sociopathy. HOWEVER, most mental health professional are NOT taught about sociopaths or psychopaths, viewing them as extremely rare. That’s an OLD model of psychology.
I don’t know where you are, but Look up George Simon, PhD (Character Disturbance). He has vetted therapists and maybe there is one in your area… worth a try, right? Or contact him, there’s a feature that allows you to ask him a question. I did that and the personal answer was very helpful for me.
http://counsellingresource.com/features/author/george-simon/
ps Thank you for writing back. I confess I would have worried all night if you were okay.
Strong,
I agree with NWHSOM. Go with your gut on your therapist. From what I’m seeing from your posts is that your gut is steering you away from this therapist.
I do think when you shop around during more and find someone you clarify what is expected when you contact them. When will they get back to you, etc. My therapist and I have an agreement. I can call and vent/leave it at that or call, vent and tell her I need phone guidance and she will call that day if she’s in the office.
I have a similar plan regarding the drop by’s. Tell him to go away (depending on my comfort level) and call the police. I get what NWHSOM is saying about feeding him but it all depends on your comfort level and instinct. Do you feel in danger/potential physical harm? If so call the police. I will if that ever happens because I feel the danger.
It all depends on the situation. There have been times I know he’s been outside of my house and have decided not to call the police. In hindsight the last time I should have. But at that time I felt he was baiting and I wasn’t in harms way. Him at the door…that’d be a different story!
Hi Strong,
I agree don’t even show him your face at the window…
Hide or report it. You can do this!!
I started George Simons videos. Great stuff! Great!
xoxoxo
NotWhatHesaidofMe,
Thank you.
I value your opinions and resources.
I will defiantly check that out.
I am reaching out for help and my friends here never fail me.
The advice on not talking or engaging any conversation makes so much sense.
if he shows up here I will just call the police and hopefully he will get the message but who knows.
I know that his intentions are only evil.
I have discarded him. I changed my phone number.
That’s right. I did.
I am going to think about the lack of communication from the therapist as unprofessional to say the least.
I never called him back nor has he reached out to me.
When he agreed to see me on a Sunday I was in full panic mode and I was grateful for that but yes, I am paying for a service and I think a call back or text to see if I was alive or dead.
He allowed me to text him at first but then put a stop to that last week and asked me to only communicate with him by phone.
So I abide by his new texting policy and conform to his rules as we go along.
Oh, BTW he had the paperwork that my short term disability company filled out and he knows the decision of me getting paid relies on this paperwork being faxed asap.. I asked when it would be faxed and he said within 24 hours..ok.
No hurry there.
I am going on my intuition here.
Yes, I will keep on looking for a new one using MY guidelines and interviewing him/her with the info Donna provided me.
I am open and willing to try anything and everything right now.
Thank you again,
Stronginthecity
NotWhatHeSaidofMe, Remembertoforget and KeepingOn,
THANK YOU!
I have been sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of the therapist not getting back to me at all.
I signed something when I saw him that Sunday in crisis mode and honestly if it mentioned contact policy I don’t remember it and the first 2 weeks I text messaged him frequently and he always responded.
Then he put a stop to that ok, I get it but here I am putting all my trust into a professional who makes the rules up as we go along.
That is sounding terribly familiar.
I thank you ladies for your input and advice. I really mean it.
Thank you very much.
I can only hope and pray that he goes away.
Such a slithering slime ball parasite.
He, the therapist is not a battle that I should have to fight right now.
I need to find out what is needed legally to file a no contact order.
I am just going to go to the courthouse in person.
The info online is too confusing.
I will do that tomorrow.
SITC
UPDATE!!
Thanks to all of you.
I found the courage to call my cities domestic violence hotline and I was directed where to call and filed a POLICE REPORT on him.
I did it.
I feel so much better.
I am directed to go to the courthouse tomorrow to file a restraining order and a warrant.
I’m doing it.
I had to.
Thank you.
If he shows up here tonight he will be arrested.
SITC
Strong,
Don’t forget you can get free counseling through them too.
Keeping On,
Geez. He hasn’t stopped huh?
Mine has probably either moved in with some chick or moved one in.
Lucky them!
Yes, I haven’t had a physical fight since my early 20’s!
I thought you did see him drive by…?
I’m glad for this place, because I am not telling anybody anything about my life anymore. Haha a.
Oh the red flag from her wasn’t early on- early on I saw how she was just a b**** but she barley acknowledged me back then.
Hope work is not stressful for you!
Remember,
He did drive by! It’s just that for a while now I’ve been followed by a couple of different cars. I figured he would show himself sooner than later..it’s the just somehow feels different now that I actually saw HIM and that he wanted me to. No disguises or “what ifs”. I figure he just wants to get to me more now. Who knows how his sick mind works. Good riddens.
That girl definitely sounds like a B. Glad you’re away from her! I’ve figured out for myself that I don’t have to completely shut myself off from talking about personal things completely, I just chose carefully now. To be honest I rarely talk about him anyway now. He doesn’t deserve my energy in my daily life. Here is a different story! As you know.:)
Strong, congrats! I’m glad this has given you strength. Beware that he could amp things up now. Police reports can sometimes have that effect. Hopefully he gets the point and goes away! Prayers to you. Xoxo
KeepingOn,
Good morning?
How is the training going?
Sorry again that this nutcase is still lurking around in bushes and crap.
You sound really good, the training and work you have taken over and put more of that old stuff behind you.
I can tell by your posting.
We have all come so bar with a few annoying speed bumps in the road.
Well, I thought about it and I don’t think he will be back.
If it’s one thing these suckers have is an excellent selective memory.
I think that was a last resort him stopping by like that and I confused his cockiness for being scared.
He knows at this point that I am not playing.
I remember when he started nosing around in Feb/March 2013 a few months before he got my number, he was sniffing out new supply by driving past my house over and over again.
I later asked him why on earth he did that if he wanted to talk to me he should grow some balls and walk up to the front door and knock on the door.
That is how I talked to him all the time, I always called him out on his bullshit, always.
I don’t think a woman has ever done that to him before.
When I am treated nicely I return that with an extra topping but when I am lied to, made to feel like I am crazy and have my boundaries disrespected over and over that’s when I turn into well not so nice.
I am not going to be nice to you when you are screwing with me.
Anyway, since he is not living here anymore or is and I don’t know I gave the police his old crappy basement apartment address that I think he rented out to one of his stupid friends.
I hope the police do go knocking there.
The news will travel quickly to him as they are like that cartoon where you have the switchboard lady calling all of the towns people at once to warn then with the latest gossip!!!!!
The police officer said that serving him with a no contact order is going to be tough but I don’t think it will be hard at all.
I am going to go down to the courthouse and do it.
It won’t be his first no contact order.
His ex wife who still chases him around the country had one written into the divorce papers but she was the one who would violate it because she will let him do anything to her and still take him back.
I am done being his doormat and not scared of him anymore.
He’s a 51 year old man hanging out with a bunch of 35 y/o’s that all have established relationships and he is an outcast.
UGH anyway done talking about him.
I know that this can amp things up but I am really not scared anymore at all.
He is all talk, and no action in everything he does.
I could tell the police was probably looking at his mugshot when I was giving his name, DOB and she said OOOhhhh, so this was your boyfriend?
I said yes and fiance.
She said “good thing you did not marry him” it was crazy how her tone turned from me just being another caller with requesting a report.
Maybe there is more of an arrest record than the one I know of.
She got nicer and more compliant, giving me info about the process after I’m sure she saw his police record.
Sorry, I am rambling but this is coming to me as I type.
I prayed last night before I drifted off to sleep and also found a text thread the other day from my now deceased ex husband and one of the texts came to memory this morning when I woke up.
I said to myself I wonder whats next..
Those same words were written by my ex husband about a week before his cancer invaded body gave up.
He said I am sitting thinking whats next and I now know what he was talking about and it was not about me coming over to help him sweep out the back parking pad.
RIP – I forgave him a long time ago for all of the stuff that happened in our marriage.
He actually said I am sorry for being a bad husband many years after our divorce.
I know he meant it and then we became friends again.
I miss the jerk.
I always called him a jerk and he called me jerkette and we would smile at each other and laugh.
Ok, time to put down the coffee.
Oh, one more thing if anyone is still with me..
I have cut down on the morning caffeine by more than half and that alone has reduced my anxiety by 60%.
Have a wonderful day.
Stay safe and strong.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Remembertoforget,
Yes, I will not leave the courthouse until I have all in place.
There are victim advocates there so hopefully I can get some advice on how to do this.
I am so glad that you have not had any contact from the spath but I am sorry that you are still experiencing the side effects of the poison they inflict.
KeepingOn,
So he is still stalking you??
When is this all going to end?
Thanks you guys for the advice.
That police report # represents my commitment to remain NO CONTACT forever.
SITC