He makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama

Hi SITC,

I have been busy celebrating feeling well, and now I see that creepy guy has returned and is stalking you! Geez.

I have also had the situation of being stalked for about 3 years. No violence, or threats, just simply would not go away. He tried to volunteer at my work. I’d find little ‘gifts’ on my front porch. He would call and not leave a message. I once found a book, then valentines gift, then a text from an anonymous # about how he would always love me. Then he would be spotted loitering around my office property. This was from a person I dated, long distance, for 3 months. I only saw him 4 times in person!

This guy was after the devastating sociopath devalue and discard”..I had started online dating, and found ANOTHER one. The one that really turned my world upside down did not stalk me. He tried, initially, to keep me as one of his minions, but when I went no contact he moved on (very handsome guy, easy for him to find targets, Thank GOD!).

With this long-distance guy, because I had no evidence of threats, and he was VERY good at staying ‘anonymous’, I could not file a restraining order. But I did go to the human resources dept. at my work, and they called him (the head of HR used to be the chief of police in my city). He talked with the crazy man and told him they would contact the police if he ever tried to contact me again, or was seen on any of my employers properties. This was the 3rd year into his stalking, and he had once again been seen loitering around my job site.

I have not heard from him since. That was a year ago.

Here’s what I did. First I kept No Contact after I told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship. Then I sent him ONE email, about a year into the stalking. I told him in very simple terms that I was not interested in ever hearing from him again. I didn’t threaten or explain. I just said ‘no’, in one sentence. I then blocked him from my email and changed phone #’s, again. I kept that email as evidence, just in case.

This is a guy, who when I told him that I didn’t think I wanted to commit to a relationship with him, that we were not compatible (I had gone to visit him and it was clear something was not quite right in his life), he moved to my city and then told me I was the sociopath, and that his friends all agreed this was probably true. He told me he just wanted to help me, because I was obviously in need of it, and that he would always love me. He told me he couldn’t sleep or eat, and that he had PTSD because of me. He had ALL the language down. He knew just how to play the victim of narcissistic abuse. Barf.

This guy is a therapist! Another HUGE BARF!

He turned the tables right around and told me I was an online troll who preyed on men, like himself. That was the last time I spoke to him, because by this time I was savvy about how disordered people project their own agendas onto their targets. So it was easy to walk away, and NOT FEEL GUILTY.

If you feel even a twinge of guilt you LET THAT GO. You did nothing, and you have EVERY right and responsibility to protect and love yourself.

I know we need to pay attention to our fear, and take action to protect ourselves. But on the other side of that coin, we need to keep our situation in perspective so we can really be present (and not so anxious that we are spaced out and ineffective). Most of these disordered people do not harm their targets. Most of them ‘just’ want to make us scared, angry, and insecure. They want to show us who’s boss. So, whatever works for you to keep your anxiety to a minimum is MOST helpful. So that you can, as you have been!, continue to make solid choices for yourself.

The likelihood is that he will go away at some point. He will eventually snag another target or two, and ‘fingers crossed’, lose interest.

Please keep us informed of how you are doing. If you want to contact me, personally, let me know. What I mean to say is if it would be helpful to have someone who knows your situation, that you can stay in contact with, I am available. I had local friends who helped me feel safe. So I am offering this in that spirit.

I LOVE that book by Sandra Brown, and found it to be one of the most validating books. I am glad you discovered it.

xo, Slim