Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Kitty lover, reach out to your national domestic violence hotline to talk with a free counselor 24/7…in the USA the number is 800-799-SAFE.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, keep reaching out for help & keep coming here to vent!
Jan7,
Thank you again for your words of support.
I just finished a chat session with the domestic violence website. I wanted to find some in person support groups in my area. The person on the other end was amazing, like you.
I am so sorry to hear that 12 years of that for you.
How are you doing now? I hate to bring it up and feel free not to respond, but how did you catch him cheating?
I think sharing your story would be helpful to me and the others because even though he claims I am the only one, he never slept with anyone else, even when we were broken up blah blah ..I know he is lying but never actually caught him.
He only loves me and if he cant be with me then he is going to be alone..yeah right.
I am so sick to my stomach because I did sleep with him again and now worried that …well you know.
I feel he is wearing down by my questions when he tells his stupid stories about his day. The dumb lies that make no sense at all.
I did speak with his brother this morning and glad I did because even though they are very close, I know he cares about me and did confirm that the lying and temper tantrums happen with him too.
Stronginthecity
Stronginthecity, your welcome. BRAVO to you for reaching out for help with the domestic violence website. Sociopaths slowly isolate their victims from the outside world so you feel that you are alone but in reality that is not the case there is so much support you just have to reach out. And that support will help you out of the sociopaths mind control grips. So pat yourself on the back for reaching out for help today!!!
I am doing good…I never really think about him and if I do it’s that he is evil. Yes, sometimes reading others post on here bring up lots of emotions and there are days that I have to sort out those emotions but I see how he sucked me in, I see how he manipulated me from day one, I see him for who he really is (I saw who he was from day one) but I did not have the term for who he was nor did I really know that he could never change.
In those 12 years I left him for a few nights here and there but he would always talk me back. I would sit in “marriage counseling” (what a joke that was) and tell him and/or the counselor I was done that I wanted a divorce but he is soooooo masterful like all of them that he manipulated me right back into the honeymoon stage.
At the end what really opened my eyes to the truth was the fact I was a former shell of my happy go luck self and I was not setting my goals & accomplishing them like prior to meeting him…instead he had sucked the life out of me and I was only accomplishing his goals because he would give me the poor me “I need help bs”. I was exhausted all the time mentally, emotionally & physically. I would say to myself during my marriage I need to leave him & go on vacation alone to clear my mind. I knew that I needed to leave him but the brain fog, anxiety, lack of sleep prevented me from thinking clearly throw in his gas lighting abuse, brain washing and all the other sick games he played I could not walk out on my own. I was just a walking stepford wive zobie robot with him.
When I had proof that he was having an affair with his co worker (they travelled together for business and were on an overseas trip at the time) I called her and she stated “but we never talked about you”….I told her she better call her husband and tell him the truth because he too deserved to know that she/he were cheating. I gave her two days to call her husband she did not when I called her husband he was shocked. He had zero clue. I thought the phone call would last only a few mins but he kept me on the phone for 3 hours. We compared phone bills hers/my ex and every call in/out was them talking…they talked 100 times a day. I confronted her and she again denied the affair but it was obvious the proof was out. My ex h told me that he loved me, begged me to stay with him, said that she was the one that was after him, that he did not love her. She told him he was lying to me….well guess what he was lying to both of us…triangulating us like all sociopaths do to take the attention away from him. Turns out her husband cheated on her prior, she cheated on him with my ex h, my ex cheated with her and everyone else…I stood there alone on the “none cheating spouse side”
I was finally leaving the marriage at that time…I had had enough of his drama, chaos & cheating. He knew he could no longer manipulate me I was done so he manipulated friends to manipulate me back into his con game. All lies…he did not end his relationship with his mistress and by then he turned up the brain washing, gas lighting until I broke emotional. He knew exactly what he was doing…pure evil!!
So my advise to you Stronginthecity, is when you have any doubt about ending your relationship with him or that he will change come here and vent before you call him, and read, read read everything about sociopathic behavior & watch the videos at the top over and over to open your mind up from his brain washing. Especially now that you broke the no contact rule and he had gotten back into your mind again…you must reprogram your mind with the truth = that he is a evil sociopath.
It’s good that your brother sees who he is…that is really great and a comfort for you in the time of need to see the truth about him.
NO CONTACT RULE DAY ONE STARTS NOW 😉
You will get to a point you will never want to see him again.
(google Taylor Swift never getting back together video) watch that too it will help to sink into your mind that you are better off without him in your life)
Wishing you the best!! 😉
Jan7,
Thank you for sharing your story. You sound like you are in a good place right now.
I watched the video! Amen!
On that note, I watched a really good movie this morning and I highly recommend “The Other Woman” with Cameron Diaz..I know the title is a not very good but it’s actually very empowering as a cheating husband is busted and exposed.
Another good one is “Diary of a Mad Black Woman”.
I feel stronger everyday as I educate myself on this subject and learn and trust my woman’s intuition.
I will never fall victim to another person like this.
Your LF friend,
Stronginthecity
I am in literal agony.
He emailed me. he is sorry. Ie appreciates all I did for him.
He asked me to lunch tomorrow?
SOMEONE TELL ME WHY WHY WHY?
And yet I just *67ed and called him… 11:27 at night….. we all know he is with another woman… he doesn’t even have a place to live…
and no answer….
ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?
Hmmmmmm… why did he not ask to meet tonight? Or call tonight? huh?
I NEED LOVE. SUPPORT. ADVICE.
WHY IS IS ASKING TO MEET ME FOR LUNCH.
I KICKED HIM OUT.
HE OWES ME MONEY I WILL NEVER SEE.
HE IS CLEARLY… THE man who a week ago today was still speaking marriage and forever….
he is cleary screwing someone somewhere…. soooooo
WHY OH WHY DOES HE EMAIL ME AND WANT TO MEET FOR LUNCH?
Oh my God.
do you know how it feels… to be in my one bedroom apartment… that I made his home as well.. at no cost to him… since oct. 4th.
where we cooked and cuddled and laughed every night? not to mention amazing regular sex?
where my aged parents came and my mom and I made dinner?
Where id give him massages. play piano for him.
SOMEONE TELL ME WHY A SOCIOPATH IS CALLING ME WHEN HE HAS ANOTHER VICTIM OR VICTIMS ALREADY?
remember…. I caught him by pocket dial on THursday.
HELP. PLEASE.
and thank you for saying it is okay to miss him.
if you saw the amazing and sweet caring… huge, strong fireman he pretended to be….
you…. would fall for him too. I wish we could post photos of our guys up here… 😉
Why?
Kittylover – he used you, and he wants to use you again. Do not see him. Do not call him again. Send his emails directly to the junk folder. It is all about exploitation – especially if he doesn’t have a place to live. If he is with another woman, then you are the backup plan.
Be good to yourself – do not respond.
thank you Donna.
Exactly what Donna said. Why he is contacting you is to see if he can get you worked up, to see if he can still control you, and to see what he can exploit you for. The details vary, but the motive is always the same. He is lying, just as he has always lied.
Consider that if him contacting you is causing you to feel a lot of confusing and intense emotions and is triggering intense memories, you would be very vulnerable to his control, and any kind of interaction is going to be harmful to you.
Consider that in normal positive relationships of any kind, there’s no confusion and questioning his motives – when people mean what they say and say what they mean, and their motives include caring about others’ well being, and they are committed to values like honesty.
How long have you been no contact? Maybe make a list of the reasons you went no contact with him. Make a list of the things you miss and the things you don’t miss about him. Make a list of how your life is better and how it’s worse without him vs. with him.
I remember seeing the movie the Exorcist as a little girl…. many many years ago. The 80’s.
There was a few moments of the movie that continue to come to mine because they are exactly how I feel in a relationship with a sociopath to whom you are addicted….
It was the part where as the little girl… who was possessed by evil…. as her BODY that was possessed was asleeep…
Oh her arm in red….. appear the letters….
H
E
L
P
I am trapped and controlled by evil and I cannot get out.
It’s normal to feel the way you do – trapped and unable to get out. Your ex spath did a lot of things to get you to feel that way. It’s a lot of work, but you do have control over your thoughts and even your feelings. As much as you can, think of positive things in your life, or fiction that is cheerful. Think of an uplifting and inspiring movie something like The Sound of Music, and push the Exorcist out of your mind. You can’t change your past experiences with the spath, but you can put good people and good thoughts in your mind to balance the grief and processing you’re experiencing due to the ending of a relationship.
If you have a religious faith, prayer and reading the Bible, may help, even if you can only focus for short periods of time.
Take care.
Thank you.
I just want to say hello and thank you all again.
I am hanging in there.
I am truly addicted to a person. How sick is that?
I have a resident at the Nursing home. Cancer. COPD. AND YET SHE CONTINUES TO SMOKE!!!!
Get it?
She is dying and does not have the strength to say no to smoking!
I have been doing the same thing.
Thanks for checking in. It’s good to hear from you.
You will recover; and you will go on to have a good life. You are strong.
Kitty
You are welcome.
We are all here for the same reason.
Your addiction to this person is not your fault.
It’scalled being normal and expecting normal.
He is a freak show.
So I’m thinking you are probably a CNA a compassionate caring person that takes care of the sick that can’t help themselves.
I commend you for that.
You are still young.
Concentrate on perhaps going to nursing school and triple that salary.
Just a thought.
You would be so busy and when your done you hold your head up and walk away
You hang in there and pray everyday.
You will be just fine!
Your friend
STRONG
Stronginthecity…
are you an angel?
change your username please.
angelontheinternet
🙂
Kitty,
That’s so sweet.
I’m not an angel but I do believe that we are all put here on Earth for a reason.
I know we are both up getting ready for work right now.
You have a wonderful day and please keep in touch here.
I completely understand what you are going through.
You will be ok. Read here and educate yourself about sociopaths its amazing they all seem to be the same person.
I hope you consider going back to school.
You can do it and have a well paying job forever. You can do it.
Make this your focus.
Talk to the RNs at this new job that you’re rocking and get as much info as you can.
The nursing home may even sponsor you to go back to school.
Then you buy yourown house!
Gotta run for now 45 minute commute for me!
Your friend
Stronginthecity
Question:
Why would I call a domestic Abuse Hotline…
when he is a Fireman and would never risk his job by physically hurting me?
Ugh. Scared. confused. blindsighted. desperate. addicted. nervous.
Kitty,
Domestic Abuse is emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, abuse as well as physical abuse. Counselors that you can talk to on a Hotline know that. They are trained to know what to do to help when someone feels the way you feel – your feelings describe what’s it like to be abused. The harm done to the victim’s mind is just as serious as physical harm. You’d go to the ER if you experienced physical trauma and had broken bones to be set. It would take time to heal. Emotional trauma needs emergency care for the acute stage, and ways to manage the healing time.
A hotline counselor can help with what you can do to manage and mitigate the intense feelings you’re experiencing.
Remember that the way you feel is a normal reaction to having been treated abnormally, having been abused, betrayed, lied to, discarded, abandoned. PTSD is a real biological condition caused by real events. Spaths try to make us feel like we’re wrong and crazy for feeling like we do – they don’t accept accountability for abusing.
Oh my gosh.
you just validated everything I am feeling and experiencing.
I cant believe it.
THANK YOU.
thank you
thank you.
can you believe I was in a treatment center a year and a half ago for three months…. for PTSD and anorexia? Three months! A famous top notch facility.
I come out…. and within 6 months meet Mr.Wonderful… charming, safe, warm, fireman. Oh, I am so confused.
Well said.
Thank you.
I’m exhausted.
Kitty,
Did you continue to see a therapist regularly after you finished at the center? It’s an ongoing lifelong process dealing with PTSD and anorexia. Having someone to touch base with weekly about what’s going on in your life could be very helpful in healing and in dealing with new problems.
Bonding to a person works well in a committed honest love based relationship. When spaths use normal people’s caring and ability to bond with another to exploit them; it is like an addiction to overcome. You are a good and normal person for your ability to bond to another. Your ex wronged you and betrayed you.
thank you. wow. wow. wow.
Kitty,
I’m relying to your post below, I can’t find it to reply to it.
It’s unlikely he was freaking because of your anxiety. He was freaking because he wanted to freak and then he blamed it on you. Spaths turn stuff around. The truth is his freaking and blaming you caused your severe anxiety.
It’s unlikely he started another relationship because you kicked him out. If he didn’t want you to kick him out, then he would have stopped doing the things that cause you to kick him out. Again, he is twisting cause and effect so he can blame you for whatever he chooses to do.
Sadly, it’s unlikely that he regrets anything. They don’t care. If they did care, they would do differently. He orchestrated events the way he wanted them to happen, and he blamed you. That contributes to how absolutely awful you feel right now. I can relate. We have all been through it. It’s beyond horrible, a real life nightmare.
As much as you can, try to balance your grief with focusing on other things for a bit. Glad you’re at work and I hope it’s distracting you a bit from the pain.
Consider blocking the numbers he or his kids are calling you from. He is messing with you, and since he’s exploited you twice, he is very likely to cycle back to you at some point. He doesn’t care about your feelings and that is a very painful betrayal, because he lied to you and made you believe you were in a love based relationship. Consider to committing to no contact whatsoever, not even looking at his stuff on social media, etc. No contact is to protect you from him. He is harmful to you. We care about you. You care about yourself. You want to protect yourself from harmful people, and save your wonderful giving personality for someone with good character who appreciates it.
Hi Strong.
I still feel like a stunned bird.
I am at work right now however.
I found out he did not sleep with her…
and went to his pals’ homes saying he messed up.
he was freaking b/c dt my severe anxiety last two months…
I almost kicked him out twice.
so…he figured…
he’d start up a relationship with someone… so that if I kicked him out… hed have a place to go.
Then it pocket dialed me.
I caught him.
He’s gone.
he regrets.
im moving on.
and sad.
and scared.
and angry.
and tired.
Leech, bum, loser, manipulator, sociopathic nightmare,liar,loser, broke ass , broken down limp dick, society drainage, drama filled empty shallow shell.
That’s a description of him
I hope nature takes its course.
That’s right I found my voice fucker
If mine had a limp dick…. I’d let go of him with no problem!
There I made a funny. A joke. Hopefully someone else smiled out there! 🙂
Viagra my dear. .
I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to know who the girl he had begun talking with….. meeting with… was not often….
but I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO KNOW WHO SHE IS……
ANYTHING.
I would love to hear her side of the story.
Id love to show her my messages and texts and photos and card.
Again, it’s natural to feel the way you do. But the reality is that it’s probably best for you to be no contact with anything and anyone that has anything to do with your ex. Even though you really want to know, if you do find out who she is you probably won’t feel any better; and any interaction you would have with her may not go the way you predict it.
Consider writing a letter to her, telling her what you want to say and show her, but don’t send it. Keep it somewhere for yourself, or burn it or destroy it in another way. This can help give you a little bit of closure in a way, and it’s much better for you than interacting with anyone to do with your ex spath. He’s not a good person, and you can protect yourself from him doing more harm to you by staying away from him in every way. He has only caused you harm in the past, and he will only cause harm in the future. The best way to win is to rise above him and his current victim, and go on to have a good life with good people who deserve your time and companionship.
Kittylover,
I know how you feel but it will not help.
AnnettePK explained it .
You have to cut ties with him and everyone associated with him. Hearing her side will make you feel worse because more than likely he lied to her too.
Don’t think that he treated her better or didn’t use the same tactics on her…he is disordered and not healthy for you to be around.
It’s over. You caught him. He is a liar and a cheater and used you for a place to live while looking for other women to exploit.
Let it go…I am doing the same.
Stronginthecity
hahahahahahahaha love it! too bad there is no “like” button.
I just called hotline.
she could not help me. and just told me my option is to just get rid of him. I told her that is my problem. something iw wrong with me and I cant and I love him and he is saying he will go to counseling and he loves me and is sorry he messed up, etc.
she just said that my option is to get rid of him.
I thought he was my best friend. you guys don’t get it! He been here for me… alone is a new state…. freshly out of treatment center for anorexia and depression FROM PREVIOUS ABUSE. I make little money as a recreation and music therapist with dementia patients. I have no family here.
he is the most handsome man I have ever seen. it was the best sex I have ever had or will have. Trust me. He is 6’5″.
then again…
he is a liar. he has not paid me rent or wifi electricity since he moved to my place after breaking his leg with me Oct. 4.
His car was repossessed. and b/c I had not charged him rent… he got enough money… just 2,0000 to buy a car off a friend. I was stupid enough to BUY HIS TAGs. THIS IS JUST 3 WEEKS AGO! And… I gave him 350 bucks b/c he never once paid his storage unit and they would not even open it for him without that much money. I thought I would help him get on is feet again….AND HE SAID WE WERE PARTNERS FOR LIFE.. he wanted to marry me and be with me…. so it was give and take… if something bad had happened to me… he said hed be there for me. He met my humble, loving parents.
He abandoned me three times… just packing and leaving b/c he had IMAGINED I cheated on him by going thru my phone and seeing something he did not like. So then… I would erase things… normal things… but if a male name appeared.. a friend… a coworker… my gay ex-husband… he would flip out. so I changed some names out of fear of his suspicious mind. he figured that out… and now says I am a pathological liar not to be trusted.
Here he is meeting with a woman… I get a pocket cal as he is telling her.. as he is living with and off of me… how he is having fun… but needs to stop… b/c when they do finally have sex, which he hopes is soon…. HE DOES NOT WANT IT TO PURELY BE PENETRATION. That he respects that he is in a “VERBAL” agreement with me…. AND DOES NOT WANT TO CHEAPEN HAVING SEX WITH HER.
I caught him. He supposedly stopped seeing her… I even checked it out with his friends, etc.
He says he was scared I was going to kick him out… cuz I almost had two weeks prior. but we talked about it. we made up. we discussed. we enjoyed easter and every day saying how happy we were. he said and I quote..on a pier… at sunset to me just two weeks ago…. as he was already meeting with the woman…
“Megan…. you have nothing to fear (I told him I had a gut feeling that something was going on with him as he seemed distant..), nothing can come between our love, not a person, not a situation. Let go and trust Megan. I love you and I am not going anywhere and want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
two days later my LF fam…..
THE POCKET CALL.
I need to stop now. I feel sick and sad and I am at work. Please write me.
I just want to die.
I have lost someone who I thought was my best friend and support. I love his children and at 45… I have none of my own and never will.
someone help me please.
It took me a long time and a lot of abuse to let go of the sociopath. Eventually I came to the realization that it was all just an act. The really amazing stuff about the sociopath’s past accomplishments were all stories the sociopath told me. Were they true? Maybe, maybe not. I have no way to verify. I suspect that the events probably happened, but that the sociopath’s role was more of a secondary character or on-set extra, and only in the retelling is the sociopath the star.
Looking at the sociopath’s actions since being in MY life, I must say that the sociopath is mostly talk with only enough effort to give credibility to the stories. For the day-to-day struggles of life, I had to depend on myself. For the moments of glory, the sociopath was center stage.
More importantly, the sociopath sucked me dry with the mesmerizing charm of a vampire. I gave that creature everything I had and everything I was. In return, my life, my friendships, my hobbies – anything other than the sociopath that gave me a moment’s happiness – was slowly ground to dust beneath the sociopath’s overwhelming ego.
After decades of abuse, I can tell you that freedom is sweet. My finances are in shambles, my friends long out of touch and most of my belongings still in the sociopath’s possession with no chance of getting them back, but it is worth it. I am old and dumpy and have to fight for every moment with my children due to the sociopath’s alienation, but I am slowly becoming myself again. You can do it too.
I am sorry the helpline was not helpful. I found a similar experience. Their only advice was to call the police, even when I explained that that was what the sociopath was expecting and if law enforcement showed up at the door there was a high chance someone would end up shot before they could break the door down and I wasn’t willing to risk my children’s lives that way.
I am sorry you are separated from family. Do you have friends to help you through this? Maybe a support group in your area could help you out. My only saving grace was that my family was near enough to run to when I escaped, but far enough away that the sociopath was reluctant to follow.
kittylover
It seems to me, as I read your words, that you are asking us to give you what you want. Him.
But we don’t have that power. We can only tell you what you didn’t want to hear from the abuse center. That it comes down to a very basic choice. Stay with him. Or leave him.
The choice is easy. DOING IT is the nightmare.
You are chosing to battle in his game of semantics.
So it’s not cheating as long as he doesn’t put him penis inside her? That’s HIS definition of cheating. Is that yours?
As long as you submit to his manipulation that HE decides what words mean, then you should at least realize the outcome of such a decision. It means he has TOTAL control, that whatever he says is what matters and what you say or want doesn’t matter at all.
I know. I have been through this same game of semantics, this nightmare. I found that my now ex husband’s definition of abuse was the only one that mattered. So I had no right to complain because he decided EVERYTHING in our relationship.
I totally understand your nightmare. There he is dangling the carrot of the possibility of happiness… if only you would only submit to his definition of what matters in life, then you could have happiness. Only… it’s a lie. You are focused on the carrot and not seeing the stick. The stick is that you don’t matter to him. Your hurt doesn’t matter, your efforts don’t matter, what you have to give doesn’t matter, your feelings don’t matter, your money doesn’t matter, your home doesn’t matter. Good heavens, can’t you see why this is so painful to you? I do. But then, I’ve been caught in the same vice grip, until I realized… that I have to Matter to ME. Until I realized, I had to reject HIS conditions of our relationship, his condition that Only HE mattered.
I am so sorry because the answer is, you already know. He has shown you who he is. There is no virtue in him. That he didn’t put his penis inside her so it’s not really cheating? That’s the definition you will accept? And when he changes the definition, you will accept that too? That whatever HE decides is what matters?
That’s not a relationship I could live with. It was just that kind of relationship thinking that nearly killed me.
It really is that simple of a choice. But really, incredibly painful, ALMOST the most painful truth that I had to accept… that there was in reality NO relationship, never was one with his personality type, and never would be. My ex husband’s type of relationship was ONLY a demand that I accept and APPROVE of his ABUSE OF ME.
And since I could not ACCEPT and APPROVE of his ABUSE of ME, then there was ONLY one choice for me. To take my broken self away from him and find a path to healing, without him EVER EVER in my world. Which, in the end, has turned out to be my path to true happiness and LOVE and JOY and my life is now full of possibilities and good loving caring relationships.
Sorry SO SOOOooo Sorry kittylover. I totally understand. You want things to be different for you, this time. Unfortunately it just isn’t. It’s a pain I wish I could erase for you. But…I don’t have that power. That kind of power (and answer) does not exist.
Dear Not what he said of me:
Your post has really touched me and really reaches into the depths of my desperation, fear and sadness.
This relationship IS killing me.
and you know what? When I tell him of my hurt or ask questions? HE GETS ANGRY AND TELLS ME TO STOP dwelling on the past. When I tell him truths about what he has done to me… he twists it and blames me.
BUT WE ALL KNOW HE IS FULL OF PSYCOPATHIC SHIT.
OH MY GOD….. I was CRYING about the pocket call I received of him with another woman… and I asked them what they did…. He laughed… and said… “You know… you have a problem. You just cant get over things!”
I have to leave office now.
I ask for prayers and truth and GOD AND THE STRENGTH TO KICK THIS EVIL, LYING, ABUSIVE,, MOOCHING, PREDATORY mother fucker out of my one bedroom apartment with my little kitty.
SAVE ME GOD PLEASE.
Love to all of you and thank you for listening.
I will get back on later this eve.
I wish I could just call the “Sociopath Removal Service”… just call some trucK and big guys to walk in.. get him.. get his things… not allow him to say twisted, abusive, evil things to me…. and take him away forever.
His responses to the issues you bring up to him and to your natural and normal needs are common abusers tactics to twist things around, shut you down and manipulate you.
It seems like a very difficult task to get him to move out. It is likely to be more pain for you, and a risk that he will manipulate you into letting him stay, and a risk that he will get very very very nasty.
Consider having someone with you, maybe a male friend or acquaintance you can trust. If there is a Domestic Violence shelter consider getting their advice and help. From what you have said, your ex may become dangerous to you physically. He is dangerous to you emotionally, and that is enough reason to get help in moving him out. You can call the police and have an officer present for the move out.
If your ex has a key, you could have the locks changed when he is out. Then tell him he needs to move his stuff out. Consider boxing up his stuff and setting it outside the apartment if it’s not a lot of stuff.
He is likely to try to take control of you and of the situation. It’s difficult enough for you when you are in pain from the loss.
Stay safe, emotionally as well as physically. It will be so hard for you, even if things go as well as possible.
Prayers for all to go well and for you to be strong and be protected. Deuteronomy 31:6.
Ah YES KittyLover,
You write of the same response I found. ANGER.
What kind of human, when looking into the face of his partner, a face of hurt and pain… and responds not with compassion but with ANGER. No care at all about your hurt. Who ridicules the person who feels such hurt and pain? MONSTERS do this ridicule, someone with NO HEART does this.
And if I am right and he still lives with you, I wish you the strength and resolve to kick him out because dear Kittylover, this is a DANGEROUS person and the sooner he is gone, the better. In fact, if he does live with you, then you need further counsel on how to get him out so that you remain safe… in which case, I STRONGLY advocate that you have a counseling session with Donna.
I did it not what he said. I kicked him out. I feel relieved. I can’t thank you enough for your post
notwhathesaidofme…
I am rereading your post… as it is past midnight and I am freaking out. Im feeling anxious and scared…. I really think he might try to break into my place…. esp when he is served restraining order.
for almost a year… I have had a 6 ft. 5…. (You are all so tired of hearing that…) huge fireman hold me all night long… telling me how much he loves me. hed protect me. Help me Lord, Please.
do you know… when I did meet with him last week…. after he asked to meet me after I caught him cheating and he said it was a lapse in judgement… (three weeks long…. and so calculated?)… when I told him Id like him to listen to himself on the pocket dial voice mail message on my phone of him declaring love to another woman… after he had just done the same with me. sex also… and texted me 30 secs prior to pocket dial… I LOVE YOU… in caps. he was just placating me… cuz he was busy. with the words.. I LOVE YOU. That my friends is evil.
anyway… when I told him to listen to himself and told him how hurt I was… and I was crying… he replied…’;”Did you just meet me MEgan so you can abuse and harrass me? Should I just leave the car now and never see you again? Am I just your punching bag? ”
so twisted. I knew inside…. this is a psycopath. he is playing victim to his victim b/c he got caught victimizing.
I am so angry at myself…. for not listening to my gut… my fabulous intuition… believing his words and fantasy stories… I have literally been living a lie.
I just took an mg of Klonopin that my Dr. prescribed today… I made an emergency appt. and told him what happened. I hope it kicks in soon.
You guys…. I do not know the law… if this restraining order is approved in court… will it be on his record? When folks do background checks. companies.. before they hire you?
this rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts is uncanny. I thank you all for preparing me.
I just had the thought… maybe If I had had more singing gigs at nice places and with bands and was performing again… he would have stayed in love with me. But I started to bore him. He got restless.
there is nothing anyone can do to change a psycopath or make them love you.
it was nothing I did wrong. My mistake was trusting him. trusting a man who look at my cell phone the first week of dating.
but hey.. he then went to therapy and got on meds…. to get better cuz he loved me so much and wanted to stay with me!
Nonsense… he cheated and lied while on the risperdone.
I am falling asleep. How did this happen to me? please tell me that at some point in his life… he will face some type of consequences?
He didn’t love you and he never loved anyone and he never will. Real love isn’t what he does. If you decide to get out performing again, you can do it for yourself and for the good people who enjoy the music. He didn’t encourage nor support you to do good things, and he didn’t enhance your well being, and he didn’t appreciate all the good things you have to give to someone who deserves it.
He might have been lying about going to therapy and taking meds. It’s hard to know if what he says isn’t backed up from a trustworthy source.
Can you take a few days off and get away, maybe stay with family or friends somewhere? It helped me a lot to go out of state for awhile when I was going through the unraveling of my fake ‘marriage’ to my ex psychopath.
Consider getting new locks and some good security measures to keep yourself safe if he does try to break in.
Will you see him in court about the restraining order? Be prepared for some really intense feelings. And he will do whatever he can to rattle you. If you can have someone with you, a friend or colleague, it might help.
I hope you’re sleeping ok now, with no bad dreams.
Anyone awake?
I just woke up with a jumpstart of fear and adrenaline. My heart is racing.
How did I allow this to happen? How can this predator have exploited me to people I do not even know….telling them I am a liar, a batterer, a psyco…
when all I did was fall in love with the character he portrayed and got taken for free room, board, food, sex, car, child car, xbox, money and a used car b/c his got repossessed?
took him in as he gave up his apt. (How convenient) b/c he broke his leg with me ice skating and was sure to make me feel it was my fault// b/c I am a skater… and he took me skating with his daughters.
Kitty,
I hope you got back to sleep, but you can expect some sleepless nights during your recovery. I don’t think I slept well for a very long time.
The questions you ask, how and why, haunt every survivor of psychopathic victimization. There is never any closer in relationships with spaths, because it wasn’t a normal relationship, the victim was just deceived into believing there was a relationship.
Consider creating your own closure, in whatever way works for you. Maybe write a letter asking those questions and telling how you feel, but instead of sending it, burn it or release it in some other ceremonial way.
The only answers to the how and why questions are ones that we as normal people will never understand. Why does he do what he does? Because he likes exploiting and harming people. How did it happen? Because you’re a nice and normal person and he deceived you with lies.
I found my answers to why and how in my spiritual beliefs and my theology. You will find answers that work for you and you will eventually have peace. In the meantime, it’s a very painful process to work through, and not very peaceful.
Take care.
Kitty,
You’re doing a good job trying to sort out your thinking by going over the pros and cons; and it seems like you’re getting an understanding of how confusing it is. You’re right – he wants you to be confused. He is willing to lie about anything if it gets him what he wants, so you have no way of knowing if something he says is true or a lie. It’s random. You can be sure of what he does, and what he does proves that he does not care about you. He is just using you. You can be sure about how you feel and how much harm he is doing to you. How you feel because of him proves to you that he is not good for you.
The good things about him, like being a friend to you and supportive of you are not true. He tricked you into believing that, but what he does is not what a friend does.
At one time I felt like you are describing how you feel now. It is the worst, and it makes you want to give up and die. I know about feeling so sick and in so much pain. I think you’re a strong person to be able to work with all this going on. I pretty much stayed in bed for months.
You have lost a relationship that seemed good, and it is a loss that you will grieve. Losing your relationship with his children is really sad. It hurts and it is a loss.
When I finally committed to no contact with my ex psychopath abuser, it was absolutely unbearable pain at first. After awhile, I started thinking clearer. I started feeling better. I am a couple of years out, and I feel better now than I ever did with him.
You’re taking good care of yourself to come here for support. I can just about promise you that if you decide to stop having any contact with him, you will feel a lot better in a couple of months. You’ll feel worse at first, but then it will get better. You will have time and energy for good things in your life, and for resolving the problems you were dealing with when he began targeting you. It is common for psychopaths to target victims who are vulnerable because it is easier for them to manipulate us. You mentioned you had just moved to a new state and just gotten out of treatment, and you’d been abused previously.
I think it would help you to find a good counselor who understands psychopathic abuse and manipulation – someone who knows what tools you can use to help yourself feel better and reach the goals you want.
When you’re feeling as bad as you are now, if you can just focus on no contact with your ex and make it a priority to take good care of yourself to get through the hard part, you will feel better in a few weeks.
Take care. You’re doing good dealing with this loss.
I DID IT. I JUST KICKED HIM OUT!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL AND YOU HAVE POSSIBLY SAVED MY LIFE.
I am crying….. but it will stop one day.
I DID IT…….. HE IS GONE FOREVER.
OKAY…. I WILL NEVER GET MY MONEY BACK….. BUT I read from one of your posts… to cut it as a loss.
I CAME HOME……. I KICKED HIM OUT.
i love you all. THANK YOU. THIS WILL NOT BE EASY. but anything is better than being used, abused, made a fool of and in CONSTANT TERROR.
I LOVE YOU ALL. THANK YOU DONNA.
how do I block his number again??? please tell me… something 9999?
HE LAUGHED AT ME. Like I was crazy,,,,,
that is so funny. He is literally insane…. and evil…. and that cannot be cured.
i feel relief. i cant look back. THAT’S WHAT kills me.
how do I block? please tell me? and his texts too?
Congratulations! You have taken your power back; you have accessed your own strength and power. You are an inspiration.
Keep on going forward!
We love you, too.
Please consider changing your locks. Even though you took his key he may have more copies stashed away. Depending on his particular type of crazy he could come back inside your place to harass you, to randomly move stuff around and make you feel crazy, to spy on you, or even to physically threaten you. If you have considered a restraining order, then you are worried enough to make extra precautions a sensible thing to do. Keep your windows locked and let your neighbors know that he is not supposed to be there anymore under any circumstances whatsoever. There are also relatively inexpensive battery-operated stick-on alarms you can put on windows and doors that do not require any handyman skills to install. If the door or window is opened it emits a loud noise that will alert the neighbors someone is breaking in.
I don’t want to make you paranoid – just vigilant.
I agree with NoMoreWool – I was thinking about your situation this morning, and that if he wants you to suffer he could try to harm your cat or you. Be very very careful and keep you and your precious kitty safe.
Take care. Keep up the good work you’re doing. It’s so hard, I know.
HE IS GONE ANNETTE. I DID IT!!!!! He is gone!!!!!!
I lost lots of money… and I am a mere music therapist on my own….
but cut my losses…
lost money to my addiction. just pretend I was a coke head and spent it on drugs.
i do not care how good looking he is. i do not care how big his dick is or how great the sex was… b/c I WOULD NEVER ENJOY THEM AGAIN ANYWAY…. b/c his mask came off.
You are thinking so clearly – it took me years to get there.
Be prepared to cycle through feeling weaker and feeling the emotional pain again; and times when No Contact will be very very very difficult to maintain. As time goes on, you’ll fill your life with good things.
I don’t know how to block a number, but if you go to the website for your phone company it probably will tell you. Or you could just call the carrier and ask.
So glad he didn’t make trouble for you, prayers answered. Psychopathic abusers will go away when they know that they can no longer exploit their victim, when their mask is off, as you said. My ex P did lose interest when I finally got to the point he could not manipulate me any more.
Kittylover – good for you! It’s the first step in taking back your power. Keep going – it will be an emotional roller coaster – stay firm in your decision. It is the path to healing.
Do I file a restraining order since he has come back so many times? it is amazing to me… that police do not care if you have been emotionally, mentally, financially and fundamentally abused….
they just want to know if he hit me or not!!!
I have no proof of my pain, his lies, a literal victimization that was done to me in the name of love! THAT IS A CRIME.
There are pros and cons to restraining orders. One aspect to consider is that an order prevents you from contacting him, too. Knowing that it could get you in legal trouble if you contact him could be helpful if you’re feeling weak and might contact him.
A DV shelter in your area or a DV hotline could help you make the decision about a restraining order. How it is carried out varies in different localities; and how effective it can be depends on your ex’s individual type of evil and insanity.
How do I post so all of you can see what I post?
I filed the RO today. Not fun.
I came home this eve… and there was a message on my voice mail. his numbers are all blocked.. so I was sure it was not him and since he is in law enforcement and knows not to leave evidence… well.. he left a message from some other phone.
In the most evil… THREATENING VOICE….. that tone he uses… when he is saying (You better obey me or I will hurt you. It is the Dr. Hyde!) he says… and this is a total false
“Stop calling people that I know Megan. Stop calling people at 3:00 in the morning and telling them wonderful things about me. Telling them everything. I know it is you. Do not make things awkward. Stop it Megan.”
I NEVER EVER CALLED ANYONE at the morning!!!!! what is he talking about? Maybe some other woman he is playing called someone…. they can check my phone records.My Dr. Prescribed me a med to knock me out during this crisis and I even woke up late for work this morning.
He is at the Fire Dept. on Thursdays for 24 hours so hed never come over here tonite…..AND HE will not risk his job by breaking laws or calling the polices’ attention b/c it would affect his job.
it is a horrifying message.
Im very sad right now. and most of all? I am angry at myself. So angry at MYSELF.
I saw my psychiatrist today… he said not to feel stupid. That I was targeted. He knew what to say and do to “work on me”. whatever. why did I not listen to the red flag? cuz i had just moved here than month? after coming out of a treatment center for 3 months that saved my life from anorexia nervosa and ptsd? Bc I do not know a soul here, have no family, no kids, live alone with my kitty and drive a shitty Honda Civic?
I am so angry at myself. so angry. I knew deep down. but he overcompensated for my fears. I feel he has something going on with an ex? he has dinner made and candles and music and a love letter when I get home from a long day with alzhiemer’s patients?
This is my fault.
kittylover,
This is NOT your fault! You are taking the right steps and brave ones at that. You KNOW the truth. You kicked him out. And filed for a RO. All in a couple of days!!! I’m surprised you’re even standing. No wonder you’re being hard on yourself. You must be exhausted….
As for your previous comment. I know that threatening voice all too well. It’s horrible. You know you didn’t call anyone, which leaves me to belive he’s projecting and/or most likely LYING to get a response. They will do ANYTHING for a response.
Stay NC!!!! You’ve got this!!!!!
He is setting you up. He probably made that call from someone’s else’s phone and he said what he said not for you but for someone else in the room with him listening to him leaving the message.
If you feel horrified, listen to your intuition. He is thinking about you; and it seems like he is planning something.
If there is anyway you can get away for a few days, visit relatives or friends in another state. Or have a friend come stay with you.
Have you done the threat assessment questionnaire? It may help you determine his dangerousness. https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
You’re right he won’t risk his job. It sounds like he is planning to do something where he will not get caught, by making it look as though you are crazy and unstable. This is a common MO with psychopaths.
I don’t mean to make you alarmed nor paranoid, but your intuition is telling you he left a horrifying message, he has the potential to do horrifying things.
If he has violated the restraining order, report this message to the police, if you think you can be safe from him.
Everything is always clear in hindsight. You didn’t know what you didn’t know at the time. The psychopath did everything in his power to deceive you, pushing all your buttons to get you to do what he wanted you to do. They are successful deceiving and manipulating intelligent, accomplished, street wise victims.
It sounds like your counselor understands about manipulators/abusers/psychopaths.
Kitty,
Consider if your ex used hypnotic techniques on you. Psychopaths hypnotize their victims. They stare into the victim’s eyes, they use a hypnotic tone of voice, they do things to get the victim into a relaxed state, and they use several suggestive techniques to tell you what to do.
My ex psychopath had me in a trance like state for several years. I ignored all kinds of red flags. Maybe your ex did the same to you?
NEVER EVER HAVE YOU ALL HEARD THIS ONE….
My Therapist told me to call/contact the following:
http://www.womenindistress.org/
They are a Domestic Abuse place and hotline…
i just called the 24 hour hotline to help me calm down…. I told the woman my facebook idea…. SHE TOLD ME TO DO IT. A Counselor. She said… you would be doing nothing wrong but trying to warm other women and people! Now I am very very confused! support and advice PLEASE.
a sad little kitty.
Kitty,
I am surprised a domestic abuse counselor encouraged you to post something negative about your ex. Maybe she was not aware of some of the details of your situation you’ve shared here on LF. Given what I understand about your ex, it would probably make him happy if you posted about him. I don’t think it would be good for you right now.
You mentioned Jackie Kennedy in a post. She was always gracious in adversity and kept her poise and her class. She had a way of rising above the negative things around her. I think you don’t want to let the psychopath bring you down to his level of behavior.
Donna and my LF friends,
Please help to distract me and encourage me to stay away.
Texts are blocked and he is leaving tomorrow morning with hid son to go back to Florida for a family Reunion or some bullshit…this is so important because his lease is up on his crappy basement apartment that he can’t afford. The plan was to get back with me and move in when he comes back…then the 2 of us move to Florida together….
NOOOOO, I don’t want any of this, he would be the same lazy, liar but in another state and I’m not renting my home that I have been paying a mortgage on for over 10 years to some strangers.
Plus I don’t even like him, hes crazy and I dont trust him.
I just want him to go and stay down there and if I ignore him without a fight or scene he will probably do that because he has nowhere to go here.
Help me, tell me just hideout 1 more day and avoid him until he is GONE tomorrow morning.
Thanks,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
Realistically, it will take your commitment to NC and you doing everything you can to get free of him, for the rest of your life. When some time, for me if took a year, of NC is past, you won’t want him anymore and it will be easier. But they always come back, to see what they can exploit their victims for.
A spath’s long term plans are never to leave their victim alone nor to have a good life together. The spath’s long term plans are to keep doing what he is doing now forever.
Consider doing things and thinking about things to get you through today that are about you and make your life better, and have nothing to do with your ex. Interact with good people, build good relationships with family and friends. Do something good for yourself – get some exercise, clean your house, call a friend, buy something you need, read something for you, watch an uplifting movie, whatever works for you. If you need to focus on your ex, come here to LF, or read something about recovering. Write in your journal about your feelings, not about what the ex spath is doing.
After today, be prepared for him to pop up in your life when you don’t expect it. He will try to hook you in again, as long as he perceives there’s a chance he will be successful. My ex P finally stopped when he sensed that his BS would not work any more.
Also, be prepared for all kinds of mixed feelings about him when he’s gone, it’s a let down and a void when the drama is gone that it takes time to fill with good things in your life. Be prepared for moments of weakness when you wonder if you did the right thing and you feel like interacting with him again. It can help to plan what you’re going to do when you feel overwhelmed. NC is the only way to have a good life, but it is so very hard.
He already knows that he is not in my good graces.
He is only going for a week or so then coming back to either move in with me or pack his uh well basically his clothes because the furniture in his apartment is all garbage anyway….ans move back to Florida where he can live on his disability payments.
Strong
AnnettePK,
Thank you, I am really going to try . I need a haircut and a pedicure .
As long as I keep his texts blocked and don’t talk to him or see him before tomorrow I will be ok…
If I hear one more drama filled story from him about blah blah son, ex wife, brother I am going to lose it.
I am going to go and get some breakfast!
Thank you,
Stronginthecity
I just reread your post..
the part about what their long term plans are.
To keep doing what they are doing.
Annette PK, you are so right and I need to focus on how I am feeling and not what he is doing.
Thank you,
Stronginthecity
HUUUUUUGE ADVICE BEING ASKED FOR….
Did you know today is National Honesty Day? What a joke in my world of lies…..
He is a predator… he hangs on this one island in fla where he is also a fire man.
I shut down my facebook after I caught him with another woman…. and living with and off me 100 percent…
Number one… he has lied to people on his “Ave”…. about me… the exgirl friends and fuck buddies and other womens’ whose hearts he has broken that I ABUSED HIM EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY
and now he is homeless b/c of me!!!!!!! OH MY GOD.
Now… would it be wrong of me….
to open my facebook account… put his photo there… say it is national honesty Day and that I have something to share with anyone who knows this man… you know… the one who has lived with me under the guise of love and engagement….but in reality he is a lying, predatory, conartist. WHY CANT I DO THIS? Let the truth be known. I have proof of all
my accusations. I could make other women THINK. let the truth be seen. and then tomorrow close it down again.
advice please.
kittylover,
You need to do what feels right to you, however, you are asking for advice on this, which makes me believe you know it’s not right. My personal feeling on this? DO NOT POST ANYTHING! Heck, get off of FB!! It sucks, I did though and it saved me.
If you post he knows you care, you’re thinking about him and you will be baiting him! He may even think it’s fun!! Besides, he can use your post as further proof that you are “crazy”. He is a manipulator. It wouldn’t be hard for him to show others you’re crazed if there is PROOF. Even though we know it’s not true.
To my ex and even ex best friends, I am crazy and I am abusive. It’s so hurtful…more than I can even begin to describe. It’s still fresh. I’m still struggling with NC but no online activity!
Posting will only hurt you!!! Protect yourself. Please.
kittylover,
Please think about the comment Annette just posted. She makes excellent points and was often right on point when I was being stalked by my first spath. She may not always be completely right, but not far off, she knows her stuff! Please hear her out and consider.
There is a possibility you could be in harms way. If you post, you may be putting yourself in harms way and you are dishonoring the RO you just filed. Don’t revisit FB. Take care of yourself. xxxx
thistoshalpass….
your posts are very helpful. thank you.
I guess I feel that Id be posting the ABSOLUTE TRUTH and maybe all the people he hangs out and drinks with and lies to and seduces… and walks around and sweet Mr. Paramedic Fireman.. maybe I WILL HELP SOMEONE get out of the trip or avoid it all together????
I am not struggling with NC. The man I love is dead. he never even existed… all I have to do is listen to my wonderful pocket dial voice mail of him with another woman…. while he is texting me he loves me. telling her he wants to get rid of me!!!!! My God…. i was his room and board. the night before he made me dinner and proclaimed forever……. CONARTIST
why oh why cant i warn others?
we warn them os sexual predators…. that is what he is?
we post other types of criminals…..
heck… I would have much rather had some burglar come in and steal all I own.
they can be posted and on tv and advertised and caught…
why cant I do this?
maybe you are right and I will look crazy… but I can say that in my post… “I know you all think Im a batterer and crazy… but isnt that what most predators say of their victims? here is a photo of him… 6 feet 5… 250 lbs.. and here is me…. the girl people call Olive Oyl…. you really think I battered him? when? between the checks I wrote him?
would you like to see the texts and emails… I can post them right here for you.
Like his new white car? great. I bought it for him… b/c his orange camero was repossed.
i can tell them he lived off me. lied. all of it. why would they not believe me?
I am a little out of it now from stress. I am all worked up. I am sorry.
I am feeling impulsive and just want to do this, but I do not want to make a mistake either. could there be legal issues? I am not lying about him at all. IT IS ALL TRUTH.
I can post… if you do not believe me… meet with me…. see the texts he was sending me while screwing you…
help please Love Fraud Gang. sorry to be high maintenance tonight.
kittylover,
You are NOT being high maintenance. You are hurting. That’s what this site is for. Post away!
You are breaking NC if you post about him. And again, as we know, he’s manipulative. If he finds out you posted about him, game on!! You want to warn others but it will only end up hurting you. Think about it…the people he drinks with, lies to and seduces? Who’s side are they going to take? They are his minions, which is why he hangs out with them. I’ve been down this path. Trust me, they will not believe you, no matter what you do or say.
Protect yourself! You have already done so many things to do so! Keep looking forward. It will hurt as all hell for a long while, but doing things for you is way more important than trying to save others and prove a point. YOU are the most important thing in your life. Focus on YOU right now.
Kitty,
You’re considerate to want to warn others. There are some websites and there is also the Rape by Fraud legal concept in some states. Consider waiting a few weeks before doing something along those lines. You will be more effective and less likely to make a rash decision that might backfire to you, if you wait until things settle.
You might consider getting a new phone number and just giving it to a few trusted people so he won’t get the new number. You or a trusted friend can check the old number to see if he left any messages, threats or otherwise, that need to be reported to the police. Don’t erase anything he leaves, and of course you won’t respond in any way.
One thing that help me to feel better is to make a gratitude list of the good things in your life. It’s hard at first, but once you get going it will help you feel better. Even if the only things you can think of to be grateful for are things like clothes and food and shelter, etc. it still will make you feel better.
Take care.
Keep in mind that once you have done this you can’t take it back if it backfires, and it probably will. If you don’t post, you always still can do it.
In my experience, any kind of interaction about my ex psychopath always backfired or worse, he twisted around to incriminate me. The only way I could ‘win’ is to not engage and not even think about him. It’s painful and frustrating, and the injustice is crazy making, but the best thing for you is to not engage in anyway, especially now.
Your comments soooo helpful and I need to reread and reread slowly.
I WOULD NOT BE GOING AGAINST an RO… b/c there is not one yet. I filed. I go pick up papers tomorrow to even see if the judge will grant me a hearing!
and…..
I would not be contacting him!!! he is not on FB with me anymore.. tho he had me plastered all over his for eight months. Wow… the shows people with perform for free rent and everything else.
I am reading and rereading this post from you Annette. Even tho a counselor on a Dom Abuse Hotline said go for it!
oh my gosh.
Kittylover, PLEASE slow down. You stated that today you filed a restraining order against your ex bf.
You SHOULD NOT go online now and post negative things about him because when you go before the judge your ex might bring up the fact that you are the one doing bad things to him. This could ultimately back fire against you. Let it go!!!
So PLEASE do not do anything out of spite or revenge!!
The greatest revenge you can get is to get your life back in order after he destroyed it. That is what the sociopath does not want…this is why it’s the best revenge = to find happiness again
Kittylover,
Please, please just delete your Facebook for now.
Posting things about him will just continue the communication.
It’s best to just delete it and stay away.
I know you want to get back at him, make him feel your pain but his fucked up brain does not work that way.
He is probably going to talk shit about you but it will die down after awhile and people will start looking at him like he is the crazy person he is.
Right now, focus on you and keeping yourself safe and not losing this job over this monster.
Stroninthecity
So right!
This is happening right now.
He is coming to my city and found a way to contact me.
I can handle it now because I don’t care.
It’s a non-issue.
I did it strong. read above.I KICKED HIM OUT.
GONE. YES IM CRYING, BUT I AM FREE.
THE EVIL IS GONE.
stong.. how do i block him please?
Kittylover,
I’m sorry I have not been here this week as I am in the process of reconnecting with my daughter who feels like I tossed her aside while her grandma died and I was not there for her.
Ok, text blocking info..
1. Go to create a new text.
2. in the place where you would enter a phone number or contact name type in 9999
3.in the message body of the text type block xxxxxxxxxx.
X’s being his number or any number you choose to block then click send.
you should get a text back that the # has been blocked.
You will never see the text they send.
Also download the app called privacystar. It’s free. Block his calls here.
You will be ok. I promise.
We are here for you.
Strong
stronginthecity says: KITTYLOVER READ THIS DO YOU WANT TO BE LIKE THIS??
March 7, 2015 at 4:42 pm
Christmas day was a basket of mixed emotions.I received a beautiful engagement ring and he was still in the gas lighting phase, again.
Of coarse he could not come to my family’s house as my daughter in particular would not allow him in her house nor did she know that we were “back together”. He happily laid on the couch for the day watching TV, one of his favorite past times.
The day after Christmas, while he was taking his afternoon nap(lazy), I decided to log into FB, which I rarely do I was surprised to see a message from his ex-wife”wishing me Happy Holidays” oh boy, here comes the drama. I do not communicate with her but she chose Christmas to send me a message. I responded that I did not wish to communicate with her and told her that I did receive a ring from him for Christmas, and knew it was wrong but hit the send button anyway.
When he woke from his much needed nap I told him about it and he said that he didn’t care if I posted pictures of us and the ring on FB.
An hour later I receive a call from his son”she had forwarded the message to him and I received a verbally harassing voice mail..”stay away from my family, tell my dad not to call me”. Keep in mind that I have never met his 20 something year old sons. A series of phone calls later to his son, ex wife etc started. I told him I was sorry for sending that message. I truly was because I knew it was wrong.
I was starting to behave like him and I hated myself for it.
Days went on and “the ring” that I proudly wore was never talked about. It was strange.
Why did he buy me this ring and put it on my finger? Finally I asked him. He said “because I wanted to show you that I love you”.
I accepted that. I wanted to be in that love phase that I am so addicted to. He was being perfect again. In the back of my mind I knew it would be short lived before the lies and nonsense would start again.
My birthday was coming up soon and I somehow could feel that something bad was about to happen but rolled with it.
I told him that I just wanted to go to dinner for my birthday because I knew the ring was expensive.
We had a perfect weekend, went to a great restaurant and had a fabulous time enjoying being a couple out and about as most of our weekends were spent having sex”and ignoring our friends and family.
It was too good to be true, could he have REALLY changed? He was divorced, was working and he gave me that beautiful ring. He told me while he was away visiting his children he had a lot of time to think and that he missed me so much, that he could not imagine his life without me in it. Everything I wanted to hear, again.
I believed it.
Backtrack to his birthday”it was midsummer and I had a small party for him. We had a great evening and next day went I treated him to a pedicure. While I was waiting for him to finish we talked about his upcoming final divorce and he asked me to look it up on my phone, he couldn’t remember the time. My phone battery was dead and I asked to use his phone which he claimed never used to go on the internet. He claimed that he despises the internet and wanted nothing to do with email, FB.
I opened up the browser and there it was”porn”not just porn but child porn, multiple site were open and I immediately was sick to my stomach. I took a deep breath and went to the site to look up the court time. We were in a public place. I remained silent while we drove back to my place. I confronted him. I told him I was disgusted and at first he tried to blame it on his friend, his friend was the one that was looking at it on his phone. Then he started crying like he usually does and admitted that he was a sick #$%^ and needed some help. He claimed the sites he visited were girls that were 18 and over but dressed up to look like younger girls. One excuse after another. We sat there for several hours and I went back and forth listening to his excuses. He tried to tell me there is nothing wrong with it and back and forth. He went to the bathroom and I took his phone and left. I went through his phone and really found nothing..(he had already deleted everything while I ran to the store) but when I returned he sat there with the “Im busted” look on his face. I gave him back his phone and he took it and smashed it. He left my house on his birthday crying, sobbing blaming me. We did not talk for awhile and again this was swept under the rug just as all of the other things had. I knew that he would somehow use this later to get back at me.
My birthday 2015, six months after this phone craziness, back with him again”after the ring, after promises of moving in together after months of lies that I couldn’t prove..it was about to blow up in my face. The day of my birthday I was off work. I told him 3 times over the weekend that I needed the entire day to take care of bills, paperwork, etc. He said he understood. Instead of going to work in the morning he decided to call in sick and spend the day with me”even though I told him I would be busy the entire day. He tried to crawl back in bed with me and I sent him off on errands so that I could take care of my paperwork”he did finally leave but proceeded to call me 7 to 8 times while he was gone for about 3 hours.
I got nothing done and I saw the delight on his face when he returned and I was clearly upset. He started making comments about his phone, he needed to get his glasses so that he could better see the porn on his phone. Mind you,that happened over 6 months ago and never talked about again, until MY birthday. I was still trying to finish up some work and he decided he was going to make me a birthday cake, banging around the kitchen making noise distracting me and taking pure evil delight in it.
Needless to say a fight, packed his things and left me again. I was to blame. He couldn’t understand why I could not get my things done and was irresponsible, I did not love him, he was never going to be good enough on and on.
Its been almost 2 months”.I have been discarded with evil vengeance.
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stronginthecity says:
March 14, 2015 at 5:07 pm
The text messages started again this week, changing my phone # does not help”
He was testing me after I have NOT reached out to him at all.
It has become REALLY predictable at this point.
He messages me about one of his many medical problems. I dont respond.
He tugs on my heart strings about going to the emergency room, he says, “oh, I thought you cared”.
It starts that way to get me to respond and then he starts with the,”you don’t miss me at all” texts.
It will then go to sex. He will remind me how great he is in bed and how he can make me feel better.
When I don’t respond he gives up.(I have given in before with the sex, It’s like breaking an addiction). I just want to fell normal again for a day or two.
I had a memory pop into my head this morning.
We were out to lunch, months after I found the porn on his phone.
He kept glancing at another table while we were eating. He had NEVER done that before. He always had all eyes on me anytime we went anywhere.
I ignored the urge to turn around to see who he was looking at. I waited until we finished eating to put on my coat..I was thinking it must be a really beautiful girl or someone he knew, right???
WRONG, it was a VERY young girl. Maybe 11 years old. He was giving her that look. The one that he used t give me. The little girl was smiling right back at him”.makes me sick to my stomach just to think about it.
Please mothers of young children, watch who you let into your lives.
There are sick predators out there just waiting to move in and help single overwhelmed mommy.
Luckily I do not have small children around because this is so messed up.
My mind is wondering why do almost all of his close friend have small kids and he is 50????
YUCK
You know why I am scared this morning?
Bc I have filed a RO… which trust me… I need to do.
but it is not out yet. I do not even know if judge will grant till this eve.
he only works two days a week at fire dept.
we are not sure where he is staying now. I have an idea..
my fear is that this man is going to incriminate me!
I know how this sociopathic predator works.
If I am granted an RO… and there is a court date..
CAN I BRING SOMEONE WITH ME?
Should I get a lawyer?
will he make ME look like a criminal… b/c an ex of his and I spoke….. compared notes… she is free of him and survived.
How How How do I prove that all I am saying is real?
would my psychiatirst come? a friend who has tried for 8 months to get me away from this “hostage taking” as he calls it. Even contacting my best friend in Chicago thru facebook and telling her I was in danger,
My exboss who fired him and banned him off property?
what if no one is in my corner?
I feel alone… and he is a fireman. charming. smart. calculating. cold and callous. then again… I was told by a fireman’s wife… that the Dept. knows what he is about and some officers refuse to work with him.
I need someone in my corner. thank you.
Kittylover – is there a domestic violence organization where you are? They may be able to offer guidance on what to expect with the restraining order hearing.
You should certainly bring people with you – for moral support, if nothing else.
thank you Donna. yes there is. Women In Distress in South Florida. i called the hotline last night.
I will call today. I wish I did not have to go to work… so I could just walk in.
this has affected my job. I have to prove to my boss that i am going to kick ass again and leave this behind me. He knows how talented I am and he knows what happened. he has been nothing but supportive… but yesterday… I fell behind in documentation…. and one of my assistants did now o her job… and of course… who gets in trouble? Me.
thank you so much.
that man gets off work in an hour.
I am so scared he will come over here to intimidate me or break in. he is a firefighter he kicks in doors on a reg basis…. and he could easily come up my little front porch and come thru window.
I am terrorized. will have a friend stay with me tonite I am thinking…..
Good thinking to have a friend stay with you, or you stay somewhere else. Is there a way for you to leave your cat somewhere else besides your place? It would be beyond tragic if he hurt your cat to get back at you, but sadly spaths do that.
Consider calling the police and letting them know your concerns.
Listen to your intuition. You wrote you are terrorized. If you feel that way, there is a reason, and you are possibly in danger. Nothing is worth harm to you, not your job, your possessions, nothing. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe. Even though these are important things, don’t let your responsibilities to your job or your things, override your safety. If you feel terrorized, there is probably a risk to you. Women’s intuition is usually accurate. There is a book that explains it called The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker.
Have you changed your locks? Can you nail the window shut or put some kind of bars or other security on it?
contact your local domestic violence program. Depending on how the program is operated, you may be assigned a case worker who will go to court with you, help you file paperwork, and basically walk you through the system. Not every program has the resources to provide individual assistance through the initial crisis, but it never hurts to ask.
I think you have assessed the problem facing you and your needs accurately. It sounds like you are prepared for the aggressive and harmful things psychopaths do. Court is open to the public and you can bring someone with you. An attorney would be helpful, too. It’s important to find one that understands manipulative behaviors.
The local women’s shelter may be able to recommend one, and Donna of LF may have a list of professionals who can help including attorneys.
It sounds like your friend who understands you were being exploited may be a good support for you, and less likely to succumb to the psychopath’s manipulative charm.
In my experience some people will never believe the victim and will always be taken in by the spath’s charms. I have come to accept that in my situation; and I don’t blame them much because I was deceived. Before my spath experience, I would not have really believed a spath victim’s side. I did not know this kind of thing existed.
Annette… I am going to Domestic Help Center tomorrow… Women In Distress.
i never thought about asking them about a lawyer b/c i would like one. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My court date is 5/11.
I am so afraid HE IS GOING TO PLAY VICTIM and try to make ME look crazy.
I hope the DV center will be helpful. I don’t think the counselor who advised you to go ahead and post negative things on FB about him gave very good advice, even though she meant well. I think you will do a good job of evaluating things people suggest and tell you, and decide if you agree what’s the best thing to do. It’s difficult when you’ve been brainwashed by a spath until we don’t know which way is up, and we’re hurting, too.
You’re right that he is likely to play victim or do whatever he thinks will work for him. No matter what the outcome, if you do your best and stay ethical and don’t lower yourself to his level, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did your best and you did the right thing.
Prayers all goes well, and you get a good attorney to help you.
I cannot tell you how much you are helping me.
I am at my job right now. I am supposed to be catching up on paper work.
I feel sick. adrenaline rushing and butterflies in stomach…
You mean… It is Sunday… and I do not have my almost husband to return home to and to see his kids maybe cook for them and be a little family.
Ironically, I received an email from his exwife today. No… it is a good thing. she was married to him for 22 years. 3 kids. been divorced three years. She said that she heard we “broke up”.. but not to worry…. they do not believe a thing he is saying. She said after 22 years of marriage… when she figured out he was cheating… she was done and never looked back b/c he is such a huge liar! HE TOLD ME HE NEVER CHEATED ON HIS WIFE! he swore by it!
She told me to be glad I am free. That she knows what he is….she said to move on and be happy. That she is happy now without him.
She also told me he hit his last girlfriend.. burned her with cigarettes and locked her in apt. not letting her out. Why did this girl not report this as I am now so that it does not happen to another woman? ESPECIALLY IN THE MAME OF THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. Why don’t women protect each other?
She wished me luck.
I AM SO SICK AT WORK. I CANT FOCUS. I AM LITERALLY HAVING A PANIC ATTACK BUT I CANT TAKE KLONOPIN OR XANAX FROM DOC NOW b/c then I am too tired.
My heart and stomach and yearning…. “Where is our safe… loving… warm… attentive… fun… snuggly…. sexy partner?” He just said days ago… marriage. forever.
HE TOOK ME ON A PIER to Saturdays ago last night — no joke. I asked him if all was okay with us. he seemed distant. He was not initiating sex. I had told him I wanted intimacy and for the first time… he did nothing about it. If we did get intimate… he would get up… of course saying I love you.. but go out on my little porch and smoke. for like 15 mins. No.. he wasn’t texting anyone. I checked.
So two SAt ago I was getting sad…I could feel something was different and not right (HAVE MY INSTICTS EVERY BEEN WRONG in this situation?)
and as we were sitting on a bench at the beach.. he meanly looked at me and demeaningly spouted, “What is wrong with you?”
I thought deep down and even told him… “There is nothing WRONG with me.”
But he wanted me to think there was…. OMG so evil that I am nauseous right now…
He took be to the gorgeous pier at sunset. He said.. I want to walk you on the pier and tell you something.
The clouds were pink…. the night was gorgeous.
He brought me out there… and looked me in the eye…
“Megan… No person, place or situation will ever come between us. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
He hugged me… I felt so relieved.
two days later…
pocket call of him fooling around with another woman and telling her that he does not want sex to just be penetration. That once Megan is out of the picture… and that will be soon… their deep connection and bond will be celebrated. “I have never felt so emotionally bonded and connected to a woman in my life.”
CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND THE PURE EVIL THAT HAS PASSED THRU MY BODY, HEART, MIND, SOUL?
How oh how could a person do this?
NO CONSCIENCE WHATSOEVER. None.
My landlord had come to him two weeks prior and I got sited for having him stay with me longer three months without putting him on the lease. She told him he has to be put on lease and have a background check run.
He never did. And he started this “affair”, this bond of a lifetime (How did that happen, he was always with me… or texting.. or messaging or calling?) as AN ESCAPE PLAN!!!!
I now want to have a background check run on him and see what he did not want me to see… but how could that be if he is a fireman?
can someone please please tell me how and where I go to have a background check run on him and a financial background check?
we run them at work for hiring… but I should not ask at work, should I?
advice please. Maybe it will help me on my court date May 11th with restraining order.
Ted Bundy was nicer. At least he put his victims out of their misery.
that was not nice or funny. sorry… but sometimes I am in so much disbelieve and horror that I feel that way.
Love you all.
about to reread some posts.
please let me know about background check…..
thank you
Is there a chance that email may have been from him pretending to be his ex wife? If it really is her, it’s nice to have her support. But I recommend you don’t respond to it just in case. At least now right now.
As far as a background check goes, you know enough to know he’s a liar and dangerous to you. I’m not an attorney but I’m not sure the details you’d find out in a background check would be allowed in court. I think you just tell them what you know first hand. I may be wrong, but consider waiting until you get an attorney and see what he/she says about a background check. You could also ask the DV people tomorrow.
At this point, I think you’ve got enough to do, and the more about his evil that you assimilate in your brain the more harm that happens to you. You know enough about him for now. Finding out more through a background check might be useful info for your recovery in a few weeks or months, but consider putting it off. If you can help it, don’t even google his name right now. Your intuition is probably right about him. If nothing comes up in his background check, he could have still done a lot of things that he never got caught; and he has the potential for doing evil things he may not have done yet.
Just do what you need to do to stay safe from him now, regardless of the details that you could learn about him.
I hope you can find a good attorney. I think that could be a big help.
Annette no… it was her… it was actually a facebook private message. they are not friended on fb or anything. I am positive it was her. thank you for being concerned.
This is the first time that he has left — the fourth or fifth time —
but this is the final abandonment.
does anyone know what I mean?
he is done. I saw him sitting outside… al happy and back to his life of a player. he is not sending emails… or calling from other phones or coming over as he used to.
HE IS DONE.
That is great… yes… I figured him out and kicked him out …
but there is still a sense of rejection and abandonment.
and I am mourning a bond that he had me believe was there… but never existed so I am grieving a ghost. this is so twisted. Stephen King? Are you getting all this?
I can even feel the connection broken. Like a 6th sense or a psychic/spiritual feel. He is gone. Truly gone. He is not coming back… not only b/c he will not be able to by law or b/c I am not interested… but b/c he ….
finally does NOT WANT ME ANYMORE.
The butts of his cigarettes and ashes are still on my porch.
I am working at my nursing home today. Just had this sweet Catholic priest here saying mass for the residents. I asked him if he would or if he knew of a priest willing to bless my apartment.
where do I buy sage and how do I burn it?
thanks everyone.
Kitty,
Everything you’re describing about how you feel and what you’re experiencing is a normal reaction of a normal person to very abnormal treatment, abuse, betrayal, exploitation. PTSD is a normal response to abnormal horrific experience. You describe what it’s like very well. I relate, and I’m sure other survivors do too.
Since he has been trying to contact you, definitely be careful with any communications to be sure it’s really who they say it is. A knock on the door, letter, package, social media message, email, phone call, etc. Maybe his ex wife would have liked to warn you, but she discerned that it wouldn’t have helped and/or he would have tried to harm her if you told him she made contact.
Spaths discard people routinely and cyclically. I think it was Hanalei Moon who calls them “mini discards.” For a couple of years pretty much all my ex psychopath did was leave and come back. I started keeping track and for at least six months he didn’t go for one week without leaving. Mine is a long story with plenty of twists and turns. I considered writing a book and contacted a writer who has helped write books for others. She declined, saying she feared the dangerousness of spaths.
I felt a spiritual element, too. I believe in a real spirit world, and in the existence of good and evil.
He never did want you as a person. He wanted to exploit and use you. Now he knows that it isn’t possible, so he is gone. He has been unmasked to you.
You have a lot to mourn and grieve. It’s a bit loss. Sadly reality is beyond even what Stephen King thinks up.
Kittylover.
How are you doing?
Were you able to get to the DV center and get some support?
Are you still getting the RO?
I hope so.
My e xpath is stalking again and was thinking about you today.
Please let us know how you are doing.
The national center for domestic violence is excellent if you just need someone to talk to.
Stronginthecity
Kitty,
Pretty sure you can’t do a background check on someone without their consent.
What your feeling is called cognitive dissonance.
Google it.
You could hire a private investigate but do you want to waste your hard earned money there?
No you don’t.
You will be ok.
Keep posting here and maintain no contact.
Stay away.
These people can be dangerous.
I’m pretty sure mine is stalking again and believe me as much as you feel hurt this man is not worth it.
The pocket dialed call. ..almost makes me think he did it on purpose because that’s how they operate.
They shower you with affection then pull the rug out like it never happened
Do you want this in your life?
No. You don’t.
What’s going on with the RO?
Strong
I will never develop a relationship via text messages and phone calls again!
Ending This last relationship is difficult. I’m sick to my stomach. He lovebombed me to the point of brainwashing me that he loves me so much.
I’m counting my blessings that I didn’t sleep with him and that I found out now ( because he slipped up ) and I didn’t relocate to be closer to him.
But it’s still so difficult to think that I even fell for his words and I really thought he was being sincere.
When I found him on dating sites I can’t tell you how hurt and angry and betrayed I felt. Omg
I’m still in Shock and pain from the whole ordeal.
He texted me ” I miss you ” and I never should have responded. I did. 12 hours later I texted him ” well you are stupid. ” I thought he would respond. Maybe admit it again and apologize again. I got no answer.
So in left here trying to figure it all out. Mourning the death of the fantasy he sucked me into.
I go from anger to sadness.
Okay, Okay…. I will not reopen my facebook. I will not post the truth for others to see… b/c I will just look like a crazy vengeful bitch. It is kind of Jerry Springer and I prefer to be more the Audrey Heburn, Jackie Kennedy type.
I just with this one minion could see that he gave me as a gift…. a beautiful leather purse that she gave to him last year to give his DAUGHTER.
Can you imagine??????? They have all been told I am a batterer and dont trust him for no reason and he just cant take my paranoia anymore. OH MY GOD. The evil of it!