Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts by the name “stronginthecity.”
I am currently in a relationship with a sociopath. I’ve been with him since June 2013. I was with him before. That relationship ended in 2006, leaving me jobless and depressed because he left the relationship abruptly and literally disappeared.
I am a medical professional, so I am the typical target I guess.
He resurfaced last year proclaiming his love for me and how much he missed me — giving three or four reasons, explanations why he left. I kept tabs on him through the years from time to time and found out he was in prison in 2009 for drug charges.
He is a constant liar and manipulator and we had a “chance” meeting in a drugstore parking lot where I had never been before in February 2013.
Again he disappeared then reappeared around May 2013. I saw him drive past my house many times. He never tried to contact me until June of 2013 when he got my phone number from a mutual friend.
I had just started dating again and was on a first date with a man when he called me. The calls were blocked and I didn’t listen to the messages until the next day.
He said that he was at a street festival and “why don’t you answer your phone” and “you should meet me”. I didn’t even know it was him. I had an idea but wasn’t sure.
A few weeks later, exactly the time I was leaving for work, he called again from a blocked number and I answered. It was him telling me he was working in my state, when he was really 2,000 miles away with his wife and children, saying he wanted to meet me for dinner. I agreed to meet him and before I knew it I was in deep again.
He actually did get divorced from his wife, but now the wife has moved to my area and things are again in the crazy stage. I have caught him in numerous lies and am certain he has cheated multiple times but I never actually caught him.
I have been back and forth trying to establish no contact but somehow I always end up back with him as he makes me believe the lies and sucks me into the drama. He loves me. I am the only one yet other women, who he claims are friends call his phone.
I also believe he has made copies of my house keys and comes into my house when I am at work.
He has not held down any steady job since June 2013, thank goodness I am full time employed but he knows my work schedule and keeps tabs on me. He tells me I am crazy when I question the nonsense. He lies about his whereabouts and actually gives me “clues” just to make me jealous. I am at wits end right now as he is trying to wiggle his way back into my life.
The last time I saw him was Halloween weekend, after an argument again about his whereabouts.
I need help to maintain no contact as he is texting me with the, “I’m a good guy story, I miss you” again. Of course we have an incredible sexual relationship and he swears he does not want anyone else, and has not been with another woman since June 2013.
My gut is telling me he is lying and I know I am right.
Unfortunately, I had a setback and saw him last weekend and during this week. Thank goodness he had a trip planned during our no contact and I am glad he is gone as I found myself making life plans with this man again.
He has been on his best behavior since I agreed to see him Saturday night. He spent the night Saturday and Sunday. He went to work Monday and Tuesday night and came over again making me dinner, flowers, my favorite wine and worked on my house. The whole nine yards. He left Thursday morning because he wanted to see his kids that he has not seen in over a year.
I am glad he is there as I need this time to regroup and make sense, crazy sense of this entire situation. I will continue to post and read on your Lovefraud because it’s so helpful to me. I know that I need to stay away from this man ”¦ he was talking about getting married again. He said lets write up a prenup and get married because he loves me, blah blah blah.
I DON’T TRUST HIM.
I left him alone in my home again. I need to end this once and for all.
Remembertoforget,
Maybe put some lavender on your pillow(thanks for that) and get some rest.
She will call!
If she is super busy,maybe just stop by the salon?
See how you feel in the morning.
It will be ok.
Hugs,
SITC
Just found this and wanted to share :
The beauty of no contact
Although you had no control over his decision to chest and leave the marriage or being an inappropriate spouse and father, YOU CAN control what happens as a result of that decision.
In fact YOU are now the sole person capable of “enforcing” the consequences of his actions or decisions.
If you “force” him to live with the consequences of his decisions (i.e. When he says it’s over , he does not love you anymore , you are to be blamed for his infidelity ) YOU exercise your agency, your power. You seize the control you can in the interaction.
Now, after a few months of no contact , it will bolster your ego and self esteem in the face of his rejection .
You will transform yourself from someone who is pathetic, weak , needy and dejected , into a person who exercises influence , power, control and VICTORY.
“There is always light in the darkness, speak victory, not fear”
27 months of no contact today.
kaya48,
Like button inserted!
I’m back!
way to go!
Stronginthecity
Kaya,
Thank you for sharing! 27 mounths!!! Way to go lady!!!! You haven’t posted in a while…to this thread at least. Good to here from you…and to celebrate!!!
To be honest, I feel safe enough now (or just don’t care anymore) to share that I’ve been here under so many names I can’t count. I’ve been reading your posts for a long time.
Thank you for being such an inspiration to us all. NC has saved me and I’ve been at it for a while now. I continue to be stalked. It’s been over a year from one man, although I’ve had previous bad men/stalkers. You’ve helped me so much along the way. THANK YOU.
I will always be grateful and thank God you’re doing so well.
Xoxoxo
KeepingOn, SITC,
Hi guys. Thank you for your kindness and support. It’s nice to have that and from people who understand all this emotional life stuff.
So, I found a salon to work, busy, looks like all older people. 🙂 no young diva Narcissists. Lol. I will be 5 days there and one day on another side of town. If I get burned out I will drop the one day place.
I’ve been thinking of the ex. Yuck.
I hope you guys are thriving…in your own ways. It’s unfortunate we ended up here due to psychos but glad you all are here.
I’ve been having some pain around my left hip when I walk ish….hmmm. then I get to thinking it’s right above the groin where the cancer was. Geeez. We’ll see. If I freak out i’ll get an xray.
Other then that I am ok!
I hope you guys are keeping on ok. We have learned so much. It’s emotionally evolving. Maturing.
KAYA, thank you so much as,well, you have taught us so much.
Ego kibbles. I can’t give him ego kibbles.
Xxooooo
Remembertoforget,
We are always here for you girl..
I hope that pain in your hip is a pulled muscle or something that will just pass.
Sounds like you are keeping VERY busy with the new job.
errr I hope the feelings will pass.
I have found a new way to make that shit pass with just a thought of one particularly horrible interaction with the spath.
Anytime I think of him(not missing his or feeling guilty for anything)I replace him with this one particular incident and it goes away.
I cancel him!!
Please keep us updated on you!!
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Remember, Strong, Kaya,
Remember- Congrats on the new work! Hopefully you’ll find more peaceful with these older women. I enjoyed come to realize, now that I’m aware that bad people exist, that there’s a chance we’ll always encounter at least one at work. I’m just glad you’re away from that toxic girl.
I have concern about the pain in your hip. Do you think it may just be the aftermath? Even though we’re still young, arthritis/age pains seem to be creeping up after a previous physical experience. At least for me! Stress and weather changes don’t help!
I’m wondering if it might be worth getting checked out before the freak out point to ease stress? Maybe easier said than done. I imagine just scheduling a doc appt for an x-ray would be stressful at this point. But if it was nothing it’d be good to have off your plate…
I’m doing good very well. Except for my new boss. I see right through her and her manipulations. I’ve maintained being professional. It saddens me because she’s bringing my teams morale down. She is disheartening. I’m believe I’m taking the right actions, speaking my truth in nonreactive ways, and I’m trusting in God.
She said something today to a person in need that was truly evil, in her kind tone of course. It was life damaging as this person is in her trust. I don’t want to go into the type of work I do but think about the kinds of things a socio mental health care provider may say to a patient that may cause serious harm. It’s that bad. And it hurts my heart. How do you protect others and your own well being when working with a person like this? It’s not been easy.
I sitting outside, surrounded by fallling leaves and trees, enjoying life’s beauty. Yet I’m so saddened that bad people like this exist.
I had a dream the other night (I wrote it down), I was an older version of myself and a person asked me in an interview, “what is the most important thing you’ve learned in life?” I responded, “I’ve endured so much pain in this life. I know now that not only bad people exist, but I’ve experienced them personally and I’ve grown. It feels good to be happy again and know that good exists.”
It’s was a good dream.
keepingon,
I feel your pain on the boss situation.
Most corporate offices love these people which makes me sick as we both know how ineffective they are in the workplace.
I have been through 3 of these at the same job in 2 years and once I discovered ewww that person is a problem I steered clear of them and they were eventually fired only to have a worse person take their place.
Your dream… I have experienced that same type of dream myself this week and I am taking it as progress and healing.
The only thing to say about the boss that helped me was to document situations where it was clearly not only unprofessional but unethical.
Remember,yes..if it the pain does not get better with ice and rest please see your doctor.
Hugs,
SITC
KeepingOn, SITC,
KO,
I loved your post. It does get saddening that these people exist. I feel bad for whomever she said that to.
The nice tone. Yea, ugh. Saying mean things in a nice tone.
Your dream sounded awesome.
Strong too- the pain has kinda been there for a long time when I stretch n stuff, now I notice it when i’m moving certain ways or taking the stairs, KO, yes it could be scar tissue type thing or arthritis.
I will keep note of it and if I must, go to the doc. This year has been so focused on my damn mental health. Whoo. Thanks Spath for bringing it all out!!!!
I’m glad you are doing well KO, keep your head up and keep it to the point with her. This is a test. A boundary test.
Strong you sound good. And- No cracks in the door. None.
I go to new job tomorrow. 🙂
Love you guys here at LF!
Thank you everyone. 2-1/2 years ago I followed many posts here. You all gave me so much hope, strength and support going through this nightmare. Back then , going through ugly divorce priceedings, it seemed like I could not wake up from this nightmare. With time and no contact I have a peaceful happy life now. I lost so much but it was mostly material things. I have gained so much more. Buy freedom and my sanity. I will never go back to the craziness and manipulating life I used to live with him.
All of us share almost the same story. I can promise you that at the end you will feel victorious. It was a painful , difficult , emotionally and for me financially challenging road to travel. But so worth it. Divorcing that evil man was the best decision I ever made. God bless you all.
Remember
So glad to hear you are well . Having a job that you enjoy is so beneficial. Yes, I do remember the ego kibble theory. I stopped feeding him a long time ago. What a difference. Now we have the power , the control and it still feels awesome to me.
This was one of my favorite advice someone wrote on here, I live by it every day :
Giving the abuser a one inch crack in that emotional door is most certainly a mistake for they will take any opening that allows them to hurt you. Remember this too, successfully detaching will not eliminate their behavior,because their dysfunctional traits and characteristics are virtually cast in stone. This is why no contact must be accomplished as long as you live.
kaya48,
I love your shared advice and I will use it as well.
No cracks in any door.
You are right about that one for sure.
NC FOREVER!
XOXO
Stronginthecity
Thank you Kaya
This is what I needed today. The sociopath has a comorbidity of other mental illness. I have found myself wavering on my commitment to No Contact because some days it just feels cruel to have abandoned someone in the depths of their psychological breakdown.
Then I remember that I did not ABANDON the sociopath – I was driven away by continued abusive behavior that happened *all the time* and not just during meltdowns. I left to protect not only myself but also my children, no matter how sad it made them. They too have chosen No Contact with their sociopathic parent, even though I have let them know that it will not hurt my feelings if they want to maintain communication. Children *can* recognize the abuse too.
No more wool
You are so one hundred percent right. No contact is not a too for revenge or for punishment. No contact protects my emotional well being, my sanity , my every day life and my health.
I call the day when I went no contact “the day of the grand finale “. The day he tried to send me to a mental institution was more terrible than anything I have ever felt before. It was the outright dismissal of my self worth . He was playing a game for many years leading up to this event. After I started no contact my life became quieter. For once I was the most important person. Of course my son who also went no contact was my number one priority. I became a quieter version of myself , not the loud one that wasn’t really me. Now I am mostly at peace with myself. I am in control of my emotions. That was something he was building his case on. In my emotions and on my weaknesses. And that’s not love. And that’s not a part of a marriage. 20 plus years he trampled on my emotions and manipulated. It took along time for me to return to my old self. One day I woke up and felt stronger than ever. When he lost in the divorce and he was begging and whining to have contact. That was my victory. He now has to live the consequences of his actions , I am not a part of this anymore nor will I ever be.
No contact is not vindictive or cruel. Why would I talk to someone who cheated and lied, who blamed me for his infidelity ? Who tried to have committed because I was “so crazy “? He tried to destroy me, but my spirit was indestructible . I have my self respect back and I am free. My silence was the closure that I never got. And that’s enough for me. Mentally I let go of the “image” he created, my words are loud and clear to him. He is dead to me.
I hope all of us will find happiness and peace despite the things we went through. I also learned that I do not need a boyfriend or husband to make me happy. I am my own happiness.
Clip from Dr. George Simon’s 48 hours interview that I watched as I found=d out the order of protection has been served on the spath.
Please pray for me.
This is scary.
https://youtu.be/dp0ImaVueGA
SITC
Remembertoforget,
How was your day at work?
How are you feeling?
We are all here and thinking of you.
Please let us know how you are.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Hi Strong,
The job went well! It is all older people, my age bracket or higher. Good! The clientelle is too. I’ve been warned that it gets insanely busy there for season. It is on the beach surrounded by high-rises. So i’ll work my butt off and hold on to any extra money for when it slows down again.
I have a cold right now, it has been creeping up on me all week! Now it’s here. Lol
Looking forward to tomorrow to rest and repair.
The George Simon stuff is great huh?.
Girl, I hope you have a nice few days this weekend- with peace and quiet.
I’ll be thinking of ya!!!
Thank you!!!!!!
Remembertoforget,
Yeah new job!
Sounds like it’s a better and more professional atmosphere.
On the beach sounds amazing…
Wish I was there!
I really love the George Simon stuff and I also found a Dr Steven Porter that is doing active research in the UK…
I hope your hip feel better and got some rest.
So he has been personally served Wednesday…so he was at his old crappy basement apartment again with the loser friends that will be his flying monkeys.
It’s been nice and quiet since then that God.
Please please f/u with your oncologist as an xray is very limiting in showing soft tissue. I am a x-ray technologist so if you have any questions about what imaging method shows/is best for please feel free to ask me.
We can connect off here if you want.
Email Donna and she can give you my email address, ok?
I love you guys!!!!
Hugs,
Stronginthecity
SITC,
Hi! So was your weekend good ss it was quiet?
How do you feel since he has been served? It’s still crazy that we have to do such things to people we were once with.
Just life, I guess we know know and won’t do it again….
I know you are right about the xray stuff. I have a bad friggn cold now and it isn’t bothering me. Sometimes my leg hurts the one that had the surgery and groin lymph nodes removed, so I think that was aching too.
I will email Donna and send my email address too.
It’s still warm here where I live. Hmph. So much for October. Jk
Good night sleep tight!
Remembertoforget,
Hi. Yes nice and quiet.
Not sure how I feel about it all but will discuss further if we talk privately.
It was necessary though. He drove me to do it.
Pain could be scar tissue, hopefully it’s feeling better today.
Having a cold is so annoying, try to rest as much as you can, ok?
It’s your body saying slow down…you have had a lot of stress in the last few weeks, also you have accomplished so much after all the drama.
It’s really nice here too and feeling better and better everyday thanks to all of the support and communication with people who truly understand where you are coming from.
I wanted to share a lovely quote from Eleanor Roosevelt with you guys:
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”–Eleanor Roosevelt
I so wish I could do a time travel to meet her.
I will email Donna as well, thanks so much.
The support from this site has been so loving and helpful.
I hope work is going well and you are making some good $$$$
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong and Remember,
Strong- thank you for sharing that quote. I needed that today. I’ve been through so much, I know I can handle these people/experiences! My narc boss is really starting to get to me. I’m finding my job performance is starting to surround her needs rather than the actual important work at hand. Basically, she’s getting exactly what she wants! I’m still being proactive rather than reactive but I’d really like to focus on my job and less of her mind games/expectations. Let go and let God…that’s what I keep telling myself.
Still ex free? Any minions pop up yet? If you know his minions they can be put on a RO, just sayin’.
Remember, how’s the cold? How’s the leg/groin?
Sounds like your new job is quite the change. Like strong said, I hope you make lots of $$!! Lucky for you, you have a job that allows you the opportunity to get another job elsewhere if need be, so if it’s not a right fit you can always move elsewhere. My job works like that too. Doesn’t mean it’s not a pain in the ass! 🙂
KeepingOn & Remembertoforget,
You are welcome for the share!
Ugh about the Narc boss, hopefully she will move out of the country or something…we can wish right?
I was listening to a radio interview regarding this and they recommended when the N boss or the minions are asking for a private meeting or a out of the norm work request to say that you are extremely busy right at that moment but if they put it in an email you can add it to your calendar.
IDK if it works or not but worth a shot
The one at my company who was promoted right before I went on leave is one too. Yuck.
It’s been extremely quiet around here other than the one call I had last week.
I don’t think he would want to share that yet another woman has a protection order on him but Dear Lord, who knows whats swimming around in that disordered brain.
I did not know that the minions can be put on the RO, good to know and thank you.
Just trying to stay safe…
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
The minions would basically be listed in a group for the RO, i.e. mutual aquintances, etc that can be listed. At least that’s how it works where I am.
So….having a little issue. I have a past stalker. Previous ex to my recent ex stalker. I thought he’d gone away. He stalked me for a very long time. I hoped I’d heard the last from him. Some stalking events recently I thought could be either my old stalker or my ex but chalked it up to just being my ex. It’s all so complicated I hope this is making sense.
Anywho, old stalker has returned. Not face to face, nothing ground shattering but apparent enough to know it’s him. Very apparent. I’m not too worried. Just figure he wants me to know he’s still around. Clearly the power of his very young live-in gf is wearing off….dammit. Still….I’m not happy about this. At all.
KeepingOn,
Thank you for that.
I have a group of people that I will ask to be included.
Great info. I did not know about that.
This is a fabulous site by state regarding domestic violence.
OMG, I am finding so much MORE about this.
It’s making perfect sense.
Keep safe…
Check this out if you ave not already.
womenslaw.org/
SITC
KeepingOn,
This stalking thing is crazy.
There is one thing for sure that we can do, and I know it’s hard but do not give them any power by ignoring them.
What in the world is wrong with these people who creep around poking into your business?
Hope you are having a good day today and not being bothered by annoying people.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity
Strong,
This site is so great for resources. I hope your RO works out. You’re definitely on the right path!
So tired of the stalking, as I know you are. I’m giving no attention, just a case of hiccups in my day. None the less hiccups that come when I’m trying to enjoy my delicious drink, aka my normal everyday life.
They’re pathetic. I hope to be left alone one day. At some point I just need to get the hell out of Dodge and distance myself.
KeepingOn, SITC,
Hi guys! My email app updated and I didn’t even see these posts in my inbox. Lol
I’m at work, I do like it. Still have a cold. Layed down all day yesterday. My side/hip feels alot better, it’s like it was aching before I got sick. I felt it a tad today.
I am picking a new health plan, I have until Jan 1. So next month I will do that. I cancelled it for October.
KO,
Geez with the creeping and stalking. Crazy.
Sorry about the boss. So crappy. They somehow manage or try to suck attention or energy kibbles from you.
Strong,
Yes, we will chat about it. I hope you are ok today. We are all healing, and growing from this all.
🙂
Remember,
So happy you’re liking the job and that your aches are a little better! Good work taking care of you. And your he lath plan stuff.
I’m over energy suckers. Great news…the higher ups are on to my syoervisor and people are pissed. Glad I spotted her early on and her spots aren’t changing! Guess she’s taking on authority including her bosses. Shocking. Hahaha. Bet she feels justified in everything she does! Classic narc and not a psycho or she’d be better at it…thank GOD!
KeepingOn and Remembertoforget,
KO, Woo hoo that the higher ups are on to the N boss..she will back down from bugging you now!
I admire you ladies for holding down your jobs and going through the spath craziness.
I will be going back soon and looking forward to it.
Not looking forward to that job but have to get back to my life and that includes working…
Energy suckers …well they suck!
I will just go, do my work and go home.
It’s work and not a social life.
Hmmm funny that I have barely heard from any of my so called work friends since I have been off.
Anyhoo-glad to hear that she, the boss will be put into her place.
I hope all is quiet if you know what I mean.
Rembertoforget-
I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better and resting when you are not working your butt off!
Please keep us updated!
I am so proud that you were able to move forward after the “incident” and have a new job with mature clientele.
Please let us know how you are doing..you too KO,please be careful.
This stalking shit is getting to me and not going to put up with any more nonsense whatsoever.
Been nice and quiet..almost too quiet- oh KO thanks again for the reminder about including the minions on the RO, as I had almost forgotten about the texts I was getting when I called the woman who kept calling the spaths phone, she had her friend… a mutual friend of the 2 text me that she was going to come to my house…ugh, I can’t find the texts they were a while back but will bring that shit up in court for sure.
Have a great evening,
It’s beautiful here, hope the same for you guys.
XOXO,
Stronginthecity